Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping

[Sholos]

Yay! Got message back. Question for the group. How long do you think is good before asking to meet IRL?

[Coidzor]

Yay! Got message back. Question for the group. How long do you think is good before asking to meet IRL?

If you've hit it off, I'd say asking to meet in a public place for something like coffee within the first two weeks would not be amiss.

[Moonshadow]

I'll give you both the same advice. Make your intentions clear. Ask for a date sooner, rather than later. If you get a good, steady stream of conversation flowing, then I'd ask to meet generally after a week or so.

If you're getting 1 message every 3 days, they probably aren't interested, and I'd move on.

Yay! Got message back. Question for the group. How long do you think is good before asking to meet IRL?

See my above post.

[snoopy13a]

Yay! Got message back. Question for the group. How long do you think is good before asking to meet IRL?

I think you can ask to meet for coffee after a short time. For people who live near each other and initially meet on the interne,t I think sooner is better than later. It prevents the awkwardness of one person developing a connection with someone and then finding out that they aren't physically attracted to that person when they meet.

The key is coming across as confident and assertive, but it is also important not to come across as overly aggressive.

[CoffeeIncluded]

Thanks guys. But it's okay, really. We're still best friends, and I'm not saying that like it's a bad thing at all.

[The Succubus]

We know but we like any reason for a Coffee-hug!

[Serpentine]

So, Serpentine, how have things been going since those back to back nights of drunken sexual assault? Has he managed to stay away from you? Did he approach you during the day and apologize?

He didn't even look at me during the day. He gave me a letter, though, containing lots of apologies. If I can find it again I'll post a copy - if you ask nicely, maybe Salbazier or someone will translate it for you (I used an online translator...).

[rogueboy]

Question for the playground, continuing from my previous posts asking for advice: how long is it reasonable to leave the ball in her court, so to speak? Since I'm allowing for her having been sick and busier than normal last week, I'm jumping between "it can't still be reasonable to wait, can it?" and "well, no, it's only been a few days" whenever I end up thinking about it (which I try to avoid, or at least keep to a minimum, knowing my tendency to overthink things). In the meantime, I'm avoiding actively seeking out or avoiding talking to her (we've historically fluctuated between talking multiple times a week and once every 1-3 weeks, depending on how busy we are at the time).

On a semi-related note: I really wish I could turn off my brain sometimes...

[Reluctance]

Rogueboy: As was pointed out when you sent the letter, you're putting her in an awkward position. She might be avoiding you just to avoid putting herself in an uncomfortable spot.

Remind me how long it's been? After a bit, your best move is to act like the whole thing never happened, and hope she'll play along. Get in touch if there's something topical you'd get in touch with her for normally. An indirect method like texting of facebook (not email) might be best for the first time or two.

[rogueboy]

Rogueboy: As was pointed out when you sent the letter, you're putting her in an awkward position. She might be avoiding you just to avoid putting herself in an uncomfortable spot.

I... did I miss this being pointed out earlier? Or did I just interpret that comment differently? Because I don't remember anyone saying that...

Remind me how long it's been? After a bit, your best move is to act like the whole thing never happened, and hope she'll play along. Get in touch if there's something topical you'd get in touch with her for normally. An indirect method like texting of facebook (not email) might be best for the first time or two.

I emailed her last Saturday (the 7th). Last Monday (the 9th) she told me she hadn't read it, and was going home to sleep because she was sick. I know that she had a meeting on Wednesday night, as well as Thursday meeting, and was busy, so I expect that she didn't read it until at least mid-day on Thursday (the 12th). As for getting in touch with her, I have a DVD of hers that I need to return, so that shouldn't be hard to do. It's just when I bring this up that I'm debating (because it's not something I'm willing to pretend never happened).

[Reluctance]

I sent her a fairly long (~3 long paragraphs, plus a few one-sentencers) email explaining myself. Not the ideal way to do it, I know, and I mentioned that (twice, maybe, throughout the entire email), but it's the best I could trust myself to do at the moment.

You really ought not to have sent an email that's got any chance of being interpreted as a wall of text.

You've already put yourself out there. Her pretending it never happened is her giving you a face saving "thanks, but no thanks".

If you absolutely must, next time you see her you can apologize for the rambling email and ask her out. Being realistic, there's probably a reason that it hasn't gone through yet. The question then becomes, if she gives an explicit "thanks, but no thanks", what do you do then?

[rogueboy]

Ah, ok. Yeah, I had interpreted Coid's remarks a bit differently, and had also forgotten about that particular part in my earlier post. Partly because that was based on my (mistaken) remembering of my email, which was actually a lot shorter than I was remembering.

[Kumori]

How young is too young?

I believe this is my first time looking at this thread, let alone seeking advice in it, but I do have a conundrum that anonymous opinion may help me to resolve. I have recently become interested in someone who I feel may be too young for me. I'm 25, she's 20. Is this gap too big, or am I just being too... oh I don't even know what the word is right now! I do know that age is not the only factor here; maturity, intentions with the relationship, and other things must be considered as well. I'm just looking for a generality here, so please, what do you think?

Thanks in advance!

[Heliomance]

How young is too young?

I believe this is my first time looking at this thread, let alone seeking advice in it, but I do have a conundrum that anonymous opinion may help me to resolve. I have recently become interested in someone who I feel may be too young for me. I'm 25, she's 20. Is this gap too big, or am I just being too... oh I don't even know what the word is right now! I do know that age is not the only factor here; maturity, intentions with the relationship, and other things must be considered as well. I'm just looking for a generality here, so please, what do you think?

Thanks in advance!

Generality?

[Starwulf]

How young is too young?

I believe this is my first time looking at this thread, let alone seeking advice in it, but I do have a conundrum that anonymous opinion may help me to resolve. I have recently become interested in someone who I feel may be too young for me. I'm 25, she's 20. Is this gap too big, or am I just being too... oh I don't even know what the word is right now! I do know that age is not the only factor here; maturity, intentions with the relationship, and other things must be considered as well. I'm just looking for a generality here, so please, what do you think?

Thanks in advance!

Hmm, there is an 11 year gap between my parents, and they do just fine. Of course, they got married a bit later in life, but still, a 5 year gap, even at your age is just fine. There is a 4 year gap between me and my wife, and it was much more extreme then you and the person you like. I was 20 and she was 16 when we first met, she was pregnant by the time she was 17, and married just before she turned 18. We've now been happily married since then, for the last 8 1/2 years, and while no-one ever thought we'd make it this far, we knew it from the start. We had a virtually unbreakable bond from the start, and there was absolutely no difference in maturity level, if anything, she probably handled herself far better then I did myself when we first met. There hasn't been a moment of regret since we've been married, we are even more in love now then we were when we first got married, and that's pretty hard to do, considering how much love it must take to marry a man who had just broken his back and(for all intents and purposes) ruined his future.

[Castaras]

It doesn't matter so much about the age gap, as to the experience gap. Which is why as you get older age gaps matter less. I'd say 20-25 is fine.

[DeadManSleeping]

Meanwhile, as a 21 year old, I often find 18 year olds too young for me.

Not everyone ages the same way. It's what's inside that counts.

[John Cribati]

I am 20 years old, but look like I'm around 16/17 (Runs in the family; My father's in his fifties but could pass for 35). Several of my friends are perfectly fine with me dating a 16-year old, if only because nobody would give us a second glance if we walked down the street together. Of course, I'd never do it because I don't know if any of them are secretly working for Chris Hansen.

[Scarlet Knight]

I doubt that. What sort of TV show?

Sorry it took me so long to get back.

I cannot remember the name as I was flipping channels and came in the middle. It was on ritualized kidnapping of brides in Lombok, I think. The woman in that show was consenting; but the announcer did discuss that the bride sometimes does not consent, but ends up in more trouble as her family and friends shun her rather than punish the kidnapper.

[Morph Bark]

Thanks guys. But it's okay, really. We're still best friends, and I'm not saying that like it's a bad thing at all.

If it were bad, it wouldn't be called best friends.

How young is too young?

I believe this is my first time looking at this thread, let alone seeking advice in it, but I do have a conundrum that anonymous opinion may help me to resolve. I have recently become interested in someone who I feel may be too young for me. I'm 25, she's 20. Is this gap too big, or am I just being too... oh I don't even know what the word is right now! I do know that age is not the only factor here; maturity, intentions with the relationship, and other things must be considered as well. I'm just looking for a generality here, so please, what do you think?

Thanks in advance!

I have often seen 19/20-year-old women with 24/25/26-year-old men. When both are legal, age is just a number. Sure, it may affect other things, the things that matter, but that's why you go looking at those in the first place!

[Kumori]

Thank you all for such prompt responses. I think I was pretty much expecting to hear what you all wrote, which is relieving. I think I'll be asking her out next time I see her.

[Sholos]

Yay being told that I'm not depressed because depression doesn't exist and is just something people say. I'm a little mad right now. Especially when said person started talking about post-partum depression later.

Mostly this came from the fact that I occasionally get in a funk and start believing that I'm never going to be loved, blah blah blah. Of course, the only thing anyone ever does is say that they're sure it'll get better. Or my favorite, "You just have to keep trying!" None of my friends seem to actually be able to help me.

[DeadManSleeping]

The best way to attract mates is to know what's lovable about yourself, then enhance it and display it. And depression makes that really hard, man. Your chronic Gloomy Gus-ness is going to keep love from falling in your lap.

You should really look into medication. Clinical depression (usually) doesn't come from being single, it (usually) comes from chemical issues. It's influenced by hormone cycles, diet, exercise, and issues with neurochemical release. Try looking into these things. Especially try having a doctor look into them. A lot of self-medication for depression can sometimes make it worse (nasty example: DRINKING. DON'T DO THAT).

Love doesn't often find people. Most people have to find love.

[Sholos]

Doesn't help that every single time I've found a girl that I might like, something comes up to make her unavailable or she's uninterested. Every. Single. Time. It's very frustrating. And it's not even a matter of me waiting around too long. Mostly I just don't even get a chance.

As for the depression, that's a fun story because I'm not sure I can afford to keep seeing someone. I got put on medication, but it never really seemed to help. I still felt like crap most of the time. Right now I'm trying to figure out if the first third(ish) of my life was worth anything. Of course, if I ask anyone, they'll just say, "Of course!" (or some equally meaningless variant), or tell me to stop being emo. Neither of which is particularly useful for me.

On another note, can someone reassure me that people do, in fact, start their romantic lives well into their 20s, possibly even after 30? That's just one thing that's bugging me, the idea that no one is going to be interested in a guy that hasn't ever been in a relationship and is almost 30 years old.

[Starwulf]

Yay being told that I'm not depressed because depression doesn't exist and is just something people say. I'm a little mad right now. Especially when said person started talking about post-partum depression later.

Mostly this came from the fact that I occasionally get in a funk and start believing that I'm never going to be loved, blah blah blah. Of course, the only thing anyone ever does is say that they're sure it'll get better. Or my favorite, "You just have to keep trying!" None of my friends seem to actually be able to help me.

that would be because none of your friends are qualified to help you ^^ having suffered from depression in my early teens year, and then bipolar as I've gotten older, I can safely say that friends just aren't equipped to deal with what you are going through, and their responses will range from one extreme to the other and do absolutely nothing to make you feel any better.

On another note, can someone reassure me that people do, in fact, start their romantic lives well into their 20s, possibly even after 30? That's just one thing that's bugging me, the idea that no one is going to be interested in a guy that hasn't ever been in a relationship and is almost 30 years old.

Depends on how you define "start their romantic lives". do you mean, in a serious relationship that's going to lead to marriage? Or do you merely mean "have dated several women before"? As far as the people around me go, all of my friends have had at least one fairly major relationship before they were 20. ON the other hand, only ONE of my friends besides me is married, and beyond that, none of them are even in a serious or committed relationship right now, and aren't even looking(I'm 30, and almost all of my friends are around a similar age). Given that, I'm quite sure there are plenty of people who haven't had any kind of meaningful relationship and are older then you are, so it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Love happens when it happens. I will disagree AND agree with the poster above you. Love will find you, but ONLY if you don't make yourself into a hermit. Go out, meet new people, hang out, try new activities, put yourself into situations where contact with others can happen. Eventually love will find you if you do that.

[Objection]

The best way to attract mates is to know what's lovable about yourself, then enhance it and display it. And depression makes that really hard, man. Your chronic Gloomy Gus-ness is going to keep love from falling in your lap.

Heck, I'm not depressed yet I don't really know what's lovable about me. I can think of things about me that are awesome like my mathematical skills and my creativity, but I wouldn't say they make me lovable.

[Sholos]

Depends on how you define "start their romantic lives". do you mean, in a serious relationship that's going to lead to marriage? Or do you merely mean "have dated several women before"? As far as the people around me go, all of my friends have had at least one fairly major relationship before they were 20. ON the other hand, only ONE of my friends besides me is married, and beyond that, none of them are even in a serious or committed relationship right now, and aren't even looking(I'm 30, and almost all of my friends are around a similar age). Given that, I'm quite sure there are plenty of people who haven't had any kind of meaningful relationship and are older then you are, so it's nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm talking about any kind of romantic relationship at all. From serious-leading-to-marriage all the way to friends-with-benefits. I've had nothing. I'm pretty sure I've never even had a girl interested in me. At all.

Love happens when it happens. I will disagree AND agree with the poster above you. Love will find you, but ONLY if you don't make yourself into a hermit. Go out, meet new people, hang out, try new activities, put yourself into situations where contact with others can happen. Eventually love will find you if you do that.

This is the part that scares me the most. I'm almost out of college, and short of going to bars (which I can't stand and sounds like a bad idea for a serious relationship anyways), I still have no idea how to meet new people.

[Starwulf]

I'm talking about any kind of romantic relationship at all. From serious-leading-to-marriage all the way to friends-with-benefits. I've had nothing. I'm pretty sure I've never even had a girl interested in me. At all.



This is the part that scares me the most. I'm almost out of college, and short of going to bars (which I can't stand and sounds like a bad idea for a serious relationship anyways), I still have no idea how to meet new people.

Ehh, I've never had a "friends with benefits" relationship, and would never have wanted one even if I could have had one. And to not have a relationship, even though your graduating college, isn't that unusual of a thing. Don't upset or stress yourself out over it, you'll just give yourself migraines.

As far as meeting new people, there are a multitude of ways. Are you religious? If so, find a church in your area that you don't already attend, and is of the same denomination as you, and go there a couple of weeks. If there are some people there you are attracted to, strike up a casual conversation with them. Maybe they attend a young adult group that the church holds, and you can use that as a way to get to know them better without being obtrusive and/or creepy.

Not religious? Still fine, go volunteer at an animal shelter, or a food kitchen, or something of the sort. Have any interests that are commonly shared by large amounts of other people? Maybe somewhere around you hosts an event focused around that that you can attend, and that's definitely a way to meet someone you know you have at least ONE thing in common with!

Or, maybe you could just go hang out on campus at the cafeteria, or attend a sportings event, or something of the sort. College campuses frequently host lots of events so that their students can meet other students.

If push comes to shove, sign up for a dating site. It's not like when I was younger and the only people who signed up for dating sites were wierdos and creeps looking to prey on people. Plenty of people meet people online now-a-days, and I tell ya, it's pretty damn easy to find someone you share a LOT in common with, considering most dating sites have an extensive list of hobbies and stuff you can check a box next to that others will be able to see.

Really, your options are virtually unlimited :)

[Shining Sadist]

I find it to be enormously cathartic to type long, detailed descriptions of my problems into this white box.

I always realize before I hit "submit" that I'm not quite sure I need relationship advice from random people all around the country, but just putting down how I feel is nice.

So thanks, I guess.

[Shining Sadist]

I find it to be enormously cathartic to type long, detailed descriptions of my problems into this white box.

I always realize before I hit "submit" that I'm not quite sure I need relationship advice from random people all around the country, but just putting down how I feel is nice.

So thanks, I guess.