Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping

[Drascin]

Haha, crushes are a silly state of being. Even when you know you're not really going to pursue (we've already gone over my complete lack of desire for a relationship of any kind, I think), it's actually kind of invigorating. Here I am, an exam I have no idea about in an hour, but since we were just talking here I am, all but giggling to myself, instead of anxious.

As a wise ninja doctor said, "a cool, natural high". And in my case with no crash down, either .

[Moonshadow]

So it turns out that I am actually capable of being social without being awkward. My father got together a dart's team for the local league and asked if I wanted to join, and I decided that instead of sitting at home like I have for the past year, that I'd do it.


It was very fun, but honestly, most of the teams in the league are very scarily good.

I count a good turn as being able to get all 3 darts on the board and scoring. At least I managed that 95% of the time. Pity I'm only a beginner though, because I did end up costing us the match, but ah well, it was good fun.

I guess attempting to be social isn't as bad as people make it out to be.

[Skeppio]

So it turns out that I am actually capable of being social without being awkward. My father got together a dart's team for the local league and asked if I wanted to join, and I decided that instead of sitting at home like I have for the past year, that I'd do it.


It was very fun, but honestly, most of the teams in the league are very scarily good.

I count a good turn as being able to get all 3 darts on the board and scoring. At least I managed that 95% of the time. Pity I'm only a beginner though, because I did end up costing us the match, but ah well, it was good fun.

I guess attempting to be social isn't as bad as people make it out to be.

Yay! Sounds like you had a good time. And don't worry if you didn't do so well. You're new to it, and I'm sure they understand.

Good to hear you got out and had fun with people, Moonshadow!

[Reluctance]

Moonshadow: All you have to remember is that other people are just as spooked by you as you are by them. Speak in slow, soothing tones and you should do just fine.

As to the darts, we're all newbies at some point. You'll be surprised how quickly you become an old hat, and fresh newbies are looking to you for pointers. Just practice and enjoy yourself.

[Moonshadow]

Pffft, the majority of people in the 17 teams in the league have about 15/20 years over me, so I don't think I have to worry about spooking them too much

And I did enjoy myself. I need to get a better set of darts for me though, I think. The ones my dad uses are okay, but they're not quite right for me.

[arguskos]

It was very fun, but honestly, most of the teams in the league are very scarily good.

This is really off-topic, but it turns out that, in the little town my Dad lives in, there is one of the best players in the WORLD (ie. he actually was World Champion one year). Dad found out when he went to a darts night with some local guys and got thrashed by that dude, who threw a perfect game every single time.

Sorry, I just find that crazy. I've never met him, but kinda want to.

[101jir]

I apologize for not responding to other's problems, and for that understand that it would be just if no one responds to mine, but in case anyone wants to...

Spoiler

Show

Ugh! It is so frustrating trying to be part of a debate group when one member is an arrogant brat! Honestly, whenever I try to explain why we should say something a certain way, her reaction is always "Drop it" when she doesn't have anything to say. I have been rather patient up to this point, hoping that over time something would sink through. But instead of improving things have become worse. She has no respect for anything I have to say, and makes it way too personal, going so far as to roll her eyes every time that I open my mouth! I have hinted at trying to get her to be more up front about what exactly her problem is with me, mostly through "I apologize if I bothered anyone, but..." She doesn't take me up on it, and just ignores me. Whenever she has something to say, her words are pretty much divine. I can deal with people who don't know what they are talking about, and I can deal with people who are not good at being logical, but are still openminded, but people like that just drive me crazy! Not only will they not listen to a word you say, but they have to insult it on top of that! Seriously, this is a freshman (freshwoman? IDK what the gender neutral or feminine version of the word is) who is acting like a sevy (7th grader, particularly immature ones). I plan to confront her on it, since my professor insists that we work it out, but I don't think it will do any good.

Any idea how I can state the above without making it into a personal attack or otherwise making matters worse?

[Maralais]

As far as I see, trying to be as polite as possible didn't work for now, so I guess it'd be best to be as direct as possible. And it is personal you know, it's about the fact that her behaviour is getting in your way, so perhaps saying it just like that won't give the best result, but it's the most sincere method.

[101jir]

As far as I see, trying to be as polite as possible didn't work for now, so I guess it'd be best to be as direct as possible. And it is personal you know, it's about the fact that her behaviour is getting in your way, so perhaps saying it just like that won't give the best result, but it's the most sincere method.

I think I get what you mean. No matter what I do, it is only going to get worse. So may as well be blunt, right? Makes sense.

[AtlanteanTroll]

So, question ...

Spoiler

Show

I acted on some advice from earlier in this thread (Thanks for that, BTW) and some I got IRL this week. So now I'm going to the movies and dinner with the previously mentioned girl tomorrow. Well, her and some mutual friends. But I'm the one who asked her to come with us.

Being an anxious person I am now worried that maybe she's thinking this isn't an actualt date (which, I guess, would make sense, I'm not sure it is myself) and whether or not I should pay for dinner and stuff...

[Coidzor]

Generally no, the presence of other people who are not couples or on dates themselves suggests against it being a date.

So that would make offering to pay for dinner a bit of an awkward proposition if you haven't exactly been clear about the nature of your intentions.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Generally no, the presence of other people who are not couples or on dates themselves suggests against it being a date.

So that would make offering to pay for dinner a bit of an awkward proposition if you haven't exactly been clear about the nature of your intentions.

I dunno. I thought it had been. As it was going to be a double date. Now I guess it isn't.

[Coidzor]

I dunno. I thought it had been. As it was going to be a double date. Now I guess it isn't.

Sounds like there's a story here. My condolences?

[Sholos]

What do you do when you end up making out with someone, but then later don't really feel any strong attraction towards them? I mean, she's a nice enough girl, I just don't get those same feelings that I've had in the past towards others. Normal? I don't want to end up with someone (her or me) hurt.

[Coidzor]

Kind of an unrealistic goal after you've gotten physical, that, but since you haven't said that she's stated any intentions, not impossible to pull off. Seriously though, you've sometimes got to be prepared for the reality that all you can do is damage control, not damage avoidance.

More information about the time scales involved and any actions or statements on her part since then would be necessary for an evaluation, I imagine.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Sounds like there's a story here. My condolences?

Awww, nah. It's fine.

[Sholos]

Kind of an unrealistic goal after you've gotten physical, that, but since you haven't said that she's stated any intentions, not impossible to pull off. Seriously though, you've sometimes got to be prepared for the reality that all you can do is damage control, not damage avoidance.

More information about the time scales involved and any actions or statements on her part since then would be necessary for an evaluation, I imagine.

Neither of us have mentioned it, really. We've been randomly hanging out, a few times late last semester and then a couple this semester. It was the second most recent hangout that this happened. By 'makeout', I mean semi-extended kissing session. While fully clothed. And no real touching. And the next time we hung out, nothing at all happened. We also haven't talked about a relationship at all. It just kind of happened.

[Trellan]

I'd appreciate a little perspective from different viewpoints, as I'm in a situation where I'm in trouble with my girlfriend and, despite significant efforts to the contrary, cannot fathom why. Here's the deal (spoilered for length):

Spoiler

Show

I'm going on a short, 4-day vacation with my girlfriend starting tomorrow. It's to a cold, snowy area, so we've been looking around for appropriate footwear. I've been working a lot all week and have had no time to shop, so she offered to look for me. Yesterday she sent me a text saying she found something, but it was too expensive and she had no money. As a bit of necessary background, she quit her job back in November at my and her doctor's urging because it was way too stressful and hasn't been able to find anything new yet.

Partially because I do feel responsible for urging her, but mostly because she's my girlfriend and I love her, I told her that I had absolutely no problem giving her money since she's having problems right now. A bit more background that may come in handy is that we have been together for over a year, have discussed the fact that we both see the relationship as most likely heading towards eventual marriage unless something catastrophic happens, and are constantly pooling money for trips, dates, and pretty much everything else we do. As far as I'm concerned, we're at the stage where what's mine is hers. Me offering her money was the equivalent of saying "here, why don't you breathe some of this air in the room we're both sitting in" in my mind.

Anyways, she said no, and that she didn't want to accept the loan because she thought it would cause problems in our relationships. I pretty much explained what I did in that last paragraph, reinforced that it wouldn't be a loan and was simply me sharing what was already hers, then told her that, while I really disagree with the viewpoint that it could cause trouble (guess I've already been proven wrong there, eh?), I'll drop the issue and not offer again.

At this point I moved the conversation on and started responding to some other things we were talking about. She brought the conversation back around by saying I lend money too much (I almost never lend money, but some buddies got in REALLY bad legal trouble a few years back and I lent them $2.5k. I got $500 of it back. This was before I even met her.), and she really wants me to stop acting like that.

I told her again that it wasn't a loan, I was giving it to her, and what was mine was hers. I tried to steer the conversation away again, but she brought it back by asking if I would do the same thing for a good friend. I told her yes, but there would be a definite limit on the amount that I lent, that it would only be for the two friends I pretty much consider to be brothers, and it would be a loan, not a gift. I told her that my friends will probably still be my friends in the future and I wanted to help them, but she IS my future if we're planning to get married, so it's an entirely different matter.

She didn't respond to that last one, but I figured she had just fallen asleep because it was 2 AM. Fast forward to today, I worked all day and was super busy, so I was surprised to still find no reply when I got home from work. I emailed her to ask when she was coming over because our plane leaves at 7 AM tomorrow, and she told me she would just meet me at the airport. I asked her why and if she was mad, and she said that she had a major issue with what we were talking about last night and left it at that.

I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out what this major issue could possibly be and doing everything I can to see things from her viewpoint, but I just can't see how I did anything wrong? I feel like she's acting completely irrationally to what was supposed to be a caring gesture. What am I missing here, folks? Is it glaringly obvious and I'm just too biased towards myself to see it?

[Reluctance]

Just immediately off the top of my head:

She doesn't want to feel obligated to you. (If you're the breadwinner, that sets up an imbalance.) She disliker her financial difficulties, and feels that you offering to step in as the hero draws attention to them. She dislikes the feeling that you see her as/she sees herself as a charity case. She's not really 100% ready for forever, and this makes it seem closer than she's comfortable.

In the short term, couch every offer of money as a point of repaying her. Let her do her part, even if her financial contribution isn't the same as hers. (If she cooks a meal for the both of you while you take her out, that feels appreciably more balanced.) And if there's any way to do this without seeming heavy-handed, assist her in the job hunt. Lacking a job and an income is going to ding the ego, even if the alternative was necessary for her health.

[Marillion]

So if, hypothetically speaking, a girl were to give me her friends number, unsolicited and without her knowing...what would be the protocol here?

(Assume, hypothetically speaking, that the girl whose number I've obtained is one whom I've talked to before and am pleasantly acquainted with.)

[rogueboy]

If anyone's willing to critique (and, ideally, explain their critiques) my OKCupid account (just made it a few days ago), could you PM me? Thanks.

On that note, any general online dating advice would be appreciated - first-timer to that world.

[breakdownjason]

So if, hypothetically speaking, a girl were to give me her friends number, unsolicited and without her knowing...what would be the protocol here?

(Assume, hypothetically speaking, that the girl whose number I've obtained is one whom I've talked to before and am pleasantly acquainted with.)

Personally, if someone randomly gave me a phone number, I would be pretty hesitant to call it, as I know that if someone randomly started texting or calling me and I hadn't given my number out (even if I knew them irl) I would be seriously concerned. If you know this girl and are pleasantly acquainted with her, just wait for her to give you her number when she feels like it. That way you don't come off as the creepy, and you KNOW that she wants you to have her number at that point.

Edit: Also that's awfully specific to be a hypothetical question.

[DeadManSleeping]

So if, hypothetically speaking, a girl were to give me her friends number, unsolicited and without her knowing...what would be the protocol here?

(Assume, hypothetically speaking, that the girl whose number I've obtained is one whom I've talked to before and am pleasantly acquainted with.)

It's normal to think, in this age of privacy being constantly in question, that every person keeps all lines of contacts deliberately closed off and only makes individual exceptions. However, that is not true. I've met very few people (though some) who would be seriously not okay with being called by someone to whom they had not given their number if they already talked regularly with that person.

So, you're okay to call her. But I maybe wouldn't ask her out on a date on the first call.

[CharityB]

I think if you do decide to call/text without telling her in person, first, that you have her #, you should start by saying, "Hey, it's me (your name), your friend gave me your number..." A lot of people wouldn't be freaked out, but it's just a nice thing to put someone at ease about something like that, just to be absolutely sure you're not stepping all over someone's boundaries.

[Ceric]

I think if you do decide to call/text without telling her in person, first, that you have her #, you should start by saying, "Hey, it's me (your name), your friend gave me your number..." A lot of people wouldn't be freaked out, but it's just a nice thing to put someone at ease about something like that, just to be absolutely sure you're not stepping all over someone's boundaries.

Seconding this. If someone I know I didn't give my number too called me, the first thing that I'd think is "how did you get my number??" (I don't give my number to many people.) But after that, I'd be okay with it.

[rogueboy]

I think if you do decide to call/text without telling her in person, first, that you have her #, you should start by saying, "Hey, it's me (your name), your friend gave me your number..." A lot of people wouldn't be freaked out, but it's just a nice thing to put someone at ease about something like that, just to be absolutely sure you're not stepping all over someone's boundaries.

Agreed. You might also want to make sure you're clear on exactly why the friend gave you her number, though that might just be me. I've given friends someone else's number just so they could nail down plans for something I had to back out of doing or planning, for example.

[Reluctance]

So if, hypothetically speaking, a girl were to give me her friends number, unsolicited and without her knowing...what would be the protocol here?

(Assume, hypothetically speaking, that the girl whose number I've obtained is one whom I've talked to before and am pleasantly acquainted with.)

What sort of terms are you on with the callee? If it's the case where you're likely to see her in the near future, mention to her in person that you got her number. If you two have overlapping social circles, call and explain that $friend gave you the number. Just be mindful of her attitude. If she doesn't seem into it by the end of the call, ball's in her court whether or not she wants to call you back. If you're lucky, you'll get her voice mail. Leave a message, same idea, and again allow her to decide to make the next move or not.

If anyone's willing to critique (and, ideally, explain their critiques) my OKCupid account (just made it a few days ago), could you PM me? Thanks.

On that note, any general online dating advice would be appreciated - first-timer to that world.

For that site in particular, it couldn't hurt to read this. Most people make the same sorts of mistakes, so try and learn from others. (Note: You'll probably want to be logged out, since new users lack forum privileges. And while the forums there are pretty work-safe, I'd be remiss if I didn't warn you that they were an unmoderated zone.) For more general pointers, go here and here; you'll probably want to be logged in for those two.

If you want to crowd-source your profile, post the link here. Or PM me if you want (although I'm unlikely to review a profile I can't read while logged out), but I think an open discussion on profile pointers would be more useful to everybody.

[rogueboy]

*helpful links*

If you want to crowd-source your profile, post the link here. Or PM me if you want (although I'm unlikely to review a profile I can't read while logged out), but I think an open discussion on profile pointers would be more useful to everybody.

I think I managed to address most of the points in the links. The pictures are the part I'm most concerned about right now (mostly just picking which should be my primary, I don't have a lot of pictures to choose from right now). Also: all of the photos I have are slightly dated (hair's longer now, and the mustache is gone), even though most are from September - do I note that somewhere, or just ignore it?

My profile is here, and should be viewable without logging in, if I read the settings correctly. If it isn't, let me know.

Any comments (praise or critique) are welcome.

[Marillion]

Agreed. You might also want to make sure you're clear on exactly why the friend gave you her number, though that might just be me. I've given friends someone else's number just so they could nail down plans for something I had to back out of doing or planning, for example.

Aye, there's the rub. The callee is the girl I mentioned in an earlier post . While I was stocking the counters at my job, her friend came up to me, said "You know that girl S? Well, here's her number." and walked away without explanation, not to be seen again for the remainder of the day.

So, I wound up writing my number on the same sheet of paper and gave it back to S the next time I saw her. She seemed...mortified that her friend had given her number out, but said she was ok with me having her number and sure enough she started texting me later. So perhaps her friend was just sick of listening to her talk about me? One can hope

[Coidzor]

So I think this might be something people in the market of giving advice may want to take a look at.

Specifically a DM trying to deal with someone in his group asking him for romantic advice with regards to a girl in said group.