Results 691 to 720 of 1486
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2012-02-18, 10:26 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2007
- Location
- Mars
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
Fate is a cruel mistress, brother. Lord Loss brings up a fair point with the calling her, but I think things like this are better sorted out in person. Maybe I'm too oldschool? Still, it's probably 3am in London, so at least give it until morning. Maybe calling her and asking her out to breakfast to talk about stuff tomorrow would be a happy medium?
"Maybe I'm Gigachad?"
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2012-02-19, 03:13 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2008
- Location
- Xin-Shalast
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
OK. So a rather bad codependent, emotionally abusive, and hilariously dysfunctional relationship is getting on my nerves and the nerves of everyone else in our social group. To the point where just about all of us are seriously discussing staging an intervention for the bloody cuckold.
Is there anything that we as a group of friends can do to help break the two of them up, keep them broken up, and ensure that they do not contact or see one another ever again? That's both legal and within the bounds of acceptable lapses in morality?
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2012-02-19, 02:53 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2007
- Location
- Finland
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
Relating to this, I went to an academic party and I happened to be placed near her and our mutual friends at the table. Much fun was had, although I did not flirt with her.
There's a distinct possibility of a semi-roleplaying game night with the same group at a later occasion. I'm not holding any high hopes for her, but they are a fun bunch and I expect to enjoy myself regardless.
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2012-02-19, 03:37 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2008
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
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2012-02-19, 03:43 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2008
- Location
- Xin-Shalast
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
Good luck, Adumbration. Sounds fun even if the iron wasn't hot. Spoilered to protect the delicate of sensibility.
Spoiler
Problem being she's already found about 50 of them (and that's just officially since she bullied him into saying OK to an "open relationship," where he's not allowed to do anything except wait around for her to "get it out of her system") last counting about a month ago (if the local betting pool's intelligence is correct) and has around 10 on active rotation. And mostly seems to be dating him in order to get the ego boost from knowing that she has someone twisted around her finger that she doesn't even need to shtup in order to keep him her thrall.SpoilerAnd has been doing something else with another friend of mine where she's wrapped him around her finger, but will have sex with anyone and anything except for him and her fiance, and admits to purposefully doing it for the rush of feeling that desirable and powerful without even having to trade her body for self esteem and refused to leave him alone even when a couple of us got fed up with her and forced a conversation after she had previously agreed to leave him in peace after being called on it by her girlfriends.SpoilerThat, and she'd already claimed to have met someone she'd go steady with, but even before that crashed and burned she didn't actually break things off with her fiance. I imagine partially it's an unwillingness to return the rock he stupidly bought for her after finding out she had sex with whoever she could get her hands on in his bed, his parents' bed, and his 6 year old little sister's bed, and partially an unwillingness to no longer have his place as somewhere to retreat to if she ends up without a roof over her head due to her shenanigans.
And he's gotten sick of her blatant bad behavior and carelessness, but, as said, managed to fall for one of the oldest and stupidest tricks in the book. I had to actually hold him back from attacking her and one of my friends who was drunk and very stupidly engaging in acts with her in the backseat of a car parked on the curb. At 2 or 3 AM on new years, so I'm positive that at least some of the neighbours saw this...
We're considering staging an intervention for him, but I have no idea where to start or what the usual construction for such events is, and so here I am addressing the thread.
And she's started a serious attempt to sleep her way around the rest of the social circle and I really don't enjoy having to deal with those advances or knowing that I can't bring any new people with me to things if there's a chance she'll be there without forewarning them about her or she'll try to sleep with them.
And here's the real kicker.SpoilerI was friends with her first. Back in high school. I believe I'm one of two people from that era who she hasn't completely alienated by repeatedly enacting this self-destructive cycle that she started her junior year after I had graduated and moved on so I wasn't really aware of what all she was getting up to.
And she's done a fairly good job of making up for lost time.
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2012-02-19, 05:20 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2007
- Location
- Mars
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
@Master Coid: In my opinion, there is really nothing you can do besides an intervention--and even that could be ineffective, depending on the personality and dynamic of your friends/social group... I have a similar personality as your friend, I think. Very clingy, high tolerance for trollops, deathly optimistic, afraid of change, and easily blinded by slight infatuation... I'm a 6'2, 220lbs battered wife, the "he hits me because he loves me" type .
That being said, a man can only take so much bullcrap and heartbreak, and eventually he should wise up. Maybe if you try to remove him from her presence for a few weeks, he will see why he should leave. At this intervention, suggest going on a month long break from each other, and at the end of it she'll either repent (unlikely), or he'll be detached enough to view the situation objectively, and GTFO."Maybe I'm Gigachad?"
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2012-02-19, 11:59 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2007
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
Coidzor:
As a person who is easily pulled into that kind of abusive cycle, I can tell you there is likely no real way you can just break them up like that, much as you'd want it. Only he can break the cycle of abuse and it is really, really, RAELLY hard to do so.
But all's not lost. You can talk to him. Do not judge him. Just lay out the facts. Compare to actually GOOD scenarios. Above all, help him recover some semblance of self-esteem (low self-esteem is the best way to become an abuse-magnet). It can't possibly be great with that horrible woman treating him like trash. He needs that self-esteem in order to break the cycle.
He's not blind. He likely KNOWS this is a terrible situation. But he is, well, trapped. He can't bring himself to admit it externally, likely. Likely he tries to justify it to himself and to others. You mention that he's getting sick of this. This is GOOD. He now needs to feel empowered to change the situation.
All you can really do is help him. Help him make his decision, stand by him and support him.
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2012-02-20, 04:58 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2008
- Location
- Xin-Shalast
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
Well, part of the problem is the wheedling/harassment/abuse via electronic means.
So just having 'em physically away from each other's not going to stop her from texting him or posting facebook statuses or commenting on his or messaging him on facebook.
Which means I either need to convince him to block her and every other person that has their contact information to refuse to act as proxies for her (easier said than done, what with the social group not having dropped her like she was hot and instead many of them actively encouraging her bad behavior because watching the train wreck is hilarious to them ) or somehow get power over her in order to prevent her from reaching out towards him.
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2012-02-20, 05:29 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2006
- Location
- York, UK
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
Let's spoiler that...
Spoiler
Cast of characters
Myself
My husband - H
H's Girlfriend - G
G's flatmate/my friend - F
F's new Boyfriend - B
(Note, this is nothing to do with the fact that my husband has a GF we are poly and it's all cool.)
Do you ever get the impression that you REALLY don't like someone? There ARE specific things that you don't like, but they're comparatively minor, however they're quite personal to YOU, yet you can't shake the feeling of being **** scared?
H is living with G, ( and consequently F) while we redo our house. G and F have been really good friends for years. Like a comedy duo, G is very quiet, shy and timid, F is very strong , loud, confident and outspoken. I care about G very much. Going out with my husband, she is essentially family. G had Bad Things happen when she was younger which does affect her still and how she sees men and certain male behaviours...
F had an incident at an Xmas where this guy, B prevented someone from raping her. F has been going out with B pretty much since. Sounds great, the problem is that there is something that really sets my hair on end about B. He is ex marine (apparently) and still wears a lot of the gear, not a problem in itself. He is proud of his Scots family and upbringing. He prides himself on the fact that he does (did) Judo. (2nd dan apparently) he has a house in [other European country] but not in Britain yet. He laughs at everything that he say and he always seems jolly. He REALLY seems to want to be my friend, but I can't stand his mysogynist and possessive way of talking about women, the way that he seems to like the idea of some parts of geek culture yet not understand that he a) has barely dipped his toe in the water yet acts like he knows it all and b) manages to come across as quite laddish and anti intellectual.
F was once very independent and self confident is now making meals for him every day and becoming obsessed with the tidyness of the flat, B, like my husband is not supposed to be there and isn't paying rent, but I can't complain at him for that...
He doesn't really talk to H much except to brag about F-ing girls because you know, they're both men who like women so H must LOVE his mysogynist ramblings. even then, that's not enough to make everyone as uneasy as they are.
G has said that there is something which uneases her about him as well. he doesn't talk to her, but she doesn't like being alone in the flat with him. G is also getting nasty flashbacks about her past.
problem is that no-one wants to say anything to F because she seems really happy and in love and wouldn't have a bad word said against him. Also, F and G have to actually live together. No-one will say anything to HIM because he hasn't directly done anything against anyone... also, he's a big guy and behind his strange manic jolliness, we all get the impression that he could be very violent (he seems slightly obsessed with violence in any form)
no-one knows what to do. I find being around him awkward because I find him so worrying, yet he tries really hard to be my 'bezzie mate', and I'm sure it's his constant presence triggering G's flashbacks, which is causing depression and self harm... On a lighter note, G and F have a hard time sleeping because B and F spend the night either having loud sex (or smashing furniture) it's hard to tell.
Advice that won't lead to awkwardness between G and F and noone getting their face smashed would be appreciated...
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2012-02-20, 06:16 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2008
- Location
- Xin-Shalast
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
SpoilerWell, it sounds like setting the stage for the frank discussion is the easy part, since you can just send the ladies out for something or go out as the group of guys. Though if you truly believe that you can't have any kind of frank discussion with B without him deciding to attack the both of you in public, then it sounds like you need to initiate a frank discussion with F directly or recruit enough of a group of tertiary hangers-on until you're confident he won't want to take on all of you over something so petty. And if he does, well, I imagine that would be a catalyst for a number of things. Real question is what, exactly, to say, but without a clearer idea of what the deal really is, I couldn't say.
If G is hurting herself despite professional assistance, well, the time for vacillation and letting yourself be intimidated by him has come and gone though. And if she isn't getting professional help, well, then, that needs to change.
Interesting to know that having Scottish ancestry is still a reason to dislike someone though.
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2012-02-20, 06:41 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2006
- Location
- York, UK
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
GODS! I didn't mean to imply that his Scottish ancestry made him bad... I was just giving background description of him... I don't want to disrespect any marines or martial arts practitioners either...
Problem is that he hasn't done anything DIRECTLY offensive, other than be a bit mysogynist, but no more so than the people I meet in my day job... I don't know WHAT to say to someone who has done nothing but save a friend from being raped and try to be friendly... yet he makes everyone uneasy...
I hate confrontation and I'm finding it very difficult to find the stones to do anything... meanwhile G is urging me "not to cause any trouble"
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2012-02-20, 01:45 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2012
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
Last edited by Grinner; 2012-02-20 at 04:01 PM.
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2012-02-20, 01:58 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2007
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
You know, I'm ok with valentines day, it's that today a quite frankly ridicilous amount of ''I've been with my honey for this amount of months/years now <3'' both in real life and facebook. And quite honestly, my ''life'' is pretty much in the weekend, sure I socialise and all at college but pretty much all of those are either taken or nothing gonna happen there. So, yeah, feeling single. Weee. Any way to reduce/distract away from this feeling without food/alcohol?
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2012-02-20, 03:57 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2012
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2012-02-20, 04:32 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2008
- Location
- Xin-Shalast
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
Last_resort_33:
SpoilerSorry, was a bit sleep-deprived, should've blue-texted it up. Mostly was just confused as to how it was topical in comparison with the ex-military persona.
A thought just occurred to me though. How much does F know about G's issues, by the way? Might be able to work something off of the angle of having 2 men in such close proximity in her living space getting the better of her and needing some time to cool down.
Dallas: As counter-intuitive as it might sound, there are some groups that are just for singles, so surrounding one's self with singles rather than couples could help with centering one's self. Many options don't even have a focus on getting laid if sexual tension is undesired for the exercise.
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2012-02-20, 04:52 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2008
- Location
- Seattle, WA
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
Personally, I find physical activity to be a good distraction. Either going to the gym (solo or find a friend to go with), or any type of sports. For myself, it's racquetball with some friends or pick-up soccer that does it. Finding those pick-up games is the challenge, of course, but once you know they exist, it's a good distraction. From anything, really - stress, feeling lonely/single, or whatever else there is.
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2012-02-20, 05:14 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2006
- Location
- York, UK
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
yeah, though I'm better friends with G than F
I see what you mean, it's just hard to watch G feel so uncomfortable in her own house...
[QUOTE=Coidzor;12757657]Last_resort_33:SpoilerSorry, was a bit sleep-deprived, should've blue-texted it up. Mostly was just confused as to how it was topical in comparison with the ex-military persona.
A thought just occurred to me though. How much does F know about G's issues, by the way? Might be able to work something off of the angle of having 2 men in such close proximity in her living space getting the better of her and needing some time to cool down.
Fair enough... yeah.
the problem is that H technically has more of a home to go to than this guy (ours is in bits, his is a few thousand miles away, and they did share a previous house together with 3guys and one other girl and all was well... it might be worth thinking about taking a tack like this...
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2012-02-20, 05:34 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2009
- Location
- Maryland
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
Some traits are pretty distinctly unlovable. A person might grow to accept them as part of the larger person, or even consider them endearing, but they're not remarkably lovable traits.
For instance, I have a complete lack of rhythm. Me and a beat will only coincide incidentally. This is not something that is horrifically bad, but it's not really something that I need to bring up on a first date, either. Everyone likes to showcase their strong side, first, and doing so is culturally accepted. If you use the normal "showcase your best stuff time to go over your flaws, you are not doing yourself a favor. In fact, you're showing yourself as worse than you really are.
And yes, everyone changes. The key is to making sure that the change is in the right way.
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2012-02-21, 06:16 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2008
- Location
- The Labyrinth
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
So, I ended up basically friendzoning a girl a couple days ago, and now she's being really grumpy towards me because of it :/ But I had good reasons. Like, for one, she's in another country, and I can't promise that we'd ever actually be able to ever physically in the same room as each other, and I don't like giving people false hope like that. Plus, I promised I'd never do long distance again after some bad experiences with it, and also, she's 6 years younger than me, and I'd feel uncomfortable doing it.
But she's making me feel really bad about it constantly. I don't exactly like hurting people, so it's kinda tearing me up :/Witness my glory and know that when my darkness fades, if you yet live, it is because an ally does not.
AN EMPTY SPOT WITHIN MY CRAW CRAVES YOUR FLESH, YOUR BONES BLED RAW!
YOUR FEAR! YOUR FEAR! SO SWEET! SO STRONG! TO TEASE MY TONGUE, YOUR LIVES ARE GONE!
YOUR ODDS UNFAVORED, MY WEB TOO STRONG! SPEED WON'T NEGATE A LINE STEPPED WRONG!
YOU DARE? DARE SMITE THIS AWESOME BEAST? YOUR FATES ARE SEALED AS MY NEXT FEAST!
HEED THIS BECK AND HEAR THIS CALL! FIGHT ME STILL, YOUR WILLS SHALL FALL!
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2012-02-21, 06:40 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2011
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
I met a cute girl at a Magic: The Gathering draft that a friend of mine was holding. It turns out she used to date the friend in question, and while they weren't on great terms, they could tolerate playing magic at the same table. I was just wondering how appropriate/inappropriate it would be to make advances on her; it seems like she and my friend were dating until rather recently.
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2012-02-21, 09:03 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2010
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
Tell him to stop being such a mysogynist. You are a woman, right? You can demand that someone who wants to be friends with you changes his attitude towards your gender. Or at least tries to.
That isn't impolite. His misogyny is impolite.
I guess his misogyny, and the implication that he would - under certain circumstances - rape a woman it encompasses, is the reason why G feels so uneasy around him.
Or...well, he could be a psychopath, and your subconscious knows it, but I sincerely hope that isn't the case.
If you think he could become violent if you talk to him, make sure there are enough people there to intervene. Someone in the next room with a mobile phone, ready to call the police, preferrably.
@Ancano: Is there any reason you can't just ask that friend of yours whether it's okay for him?
He's the only one who could object, right?Last edited by Themrys; 2012-02-21 at 09:06 AM.
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2012-02-21, 02:05 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2006
- Location
- York, UK
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
I'm not a woman, no. I'm a trucker, I come across far worse every day at work, but it doesn't creep me out as much... I could try this one... argh! I hate confrontations... :-(
I don't know if he would, but what I don't understand is why F puts up with it... because he's "just joking around" but no-one other than him is laughing. F is well known for not putting yp with ****, and now she works full time and plays housewife.
Yeah... I don't know how much of this worry is real, but he is big, and he does talk a lot about violence with a big grin on his face... when he's not talking about sexual bodily fluids... This guy is like 30 FFS...
To do list:
Grow a pair
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2012-02-21, 03:02 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2008
- Location
- Broken Damaged Worthless
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
Ok, can someone please light a fire under my ass?
Amazingly, after two+ years of being flat-out ignored by potential significant others, I end up running headlong into, at minimum, two possibilities, each of which is responding decently well to flirtation (though I will admit to being pretty meh at flirting). I have no idea how to proceed, or if I even should, and am overthinking everything with the amazing magical power of a deeply confused person.
Basically, the situation is as follows:
-On the one hand, we have C. C is a lovely lady I am in a class with right now. She's attractive, charming, witty, and intelligent, all of which catch my eye. However, I never see her outside of class (like around campus) and have no idea if she's interested or simply making conversation (we talk before almost every class, and there are a lot of laughs and smiles to be had during said conversations). At the moment, I put 40-60 odds on her interest, but I'm also pessimistically biased, so what the **** do I know anyways?
-On the other, we have H. H is a roommate of a friend of a friend of mine (ie. I have a friend, who has another friend who is rooming with H). She's also attractive, charming, witty, and pretty sharp, again all of which catches my eye. We chat about three times a week, during the lunch hour, and again, many laughs and smiles are had. We get on well, but again, I have no idea what her thought processes are. I'd put even money on this one, just because I talk to her more.
Ok, I'm rambling now. Someone just tell me something, make me act, because I won't on my own, due to cowardice and pessimism. X_X
All that I say applies only to myself. You author your own actions and choices. I cannot and will not be responsible for you, nor are you for me, regardless of situation or circumstance.
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2012-02-21, 03:07 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2006
- Location
- Dinosaur Museum aw yisss.
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
The Iron Avatarist Hall of Fame!
Prizes(Un)Official Best Playground Avatarist Competition
----
Also, buy my stuff! T-Shirts too!
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2012-02-21, 03:19 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2008
- Location
- Xin-Shalast
- Gender
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2012-02-21, 03:34 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2012
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2012-02-21, 03:34 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2008
- Location
- Seattle, WA
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
I've been in the "I don't want to do anything, because what if it ends badly" mode several times over the past few years. The simple answer: if you do nothing, you will always end up with a "well, what if I had done something?" to deal with (I only have 1 of those, fortunately - all the others I either got a "no" or things came up that made me change my mind on wanting to ask [personality and/or S.O. issues]). But if you do, there's really a very simple worst case (unless one or both parties are bat-s*** insane): things are slightly awkward for a little bit, and then things are back to normal. Best case is obvious, but even mild awkwardness (especially short-lived mild awkwardness) is going to be a better option than dealing with your own thoughts on the matter.
tl;dr for that part: Stop thinking and do something. You'll be glad you did, no matter what the outcome is.
Which just leaves which to pursue. And on that... I have nowhere near enough info to try to give you ideas, so that one's on you, my friend.
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2012-02-21, 03:42 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2012
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2012-02-21, 03:52 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2008
- Location
- Broken Damaged Worthless
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
My issues is not knowing this idea (believe me, I have more than analyzed it), but more the doing. I have serious issues with making things happen, though not because I'm stupid or indecisive or whatnot. I just... can't make them happen. I think too much. I need someone to take a metaphorical machete to my intellectual Gordian Knot and get me to DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING DAMMIT.
Which just leaves which to pursue. And on that... I have nowhere near enough info to try to give you ideas, so that one's on you, my friend.
Ok, this is a misunderstanding. H and I see each other at the lunch hour. We are not required to eat together, and rarely do. My university doesn't schedule class for 12-1 PM, so that people can socialize mid-day. That's all I meant there. I could probably use a similar line with H to decent effect (at least, I think so; AUGH MORE THINKING D: ).
All that I say applies only to myself. You author your own actions and choices. I cannot and will not be responsible for you, nor are you for me, regardless of situation or circumstance.
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2012-02-21, 04:27 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2008
- Location
- Seattle, WA
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
In that case... Go! I give you 2 days to do something with whichever you want to make your move on first. That means you have until... ok, I have no idea what time zone you're in, but mid-afternoon EST. Make it happen!
- Bonus points if you make it happen in 1 day.
- If you fail to make it happen in 2 days, I'll have to figure out a punishment for you. Don't make me figure out a punishment for you.