Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping

[arguskos]

In that case... Go! I give you 2 days to do something with whichever you want to make your move on first. That means you have until... ok, I have no idea what time zone you're in, but mid-afternoon EST. Make it happen!

• Bonus points if you make it happen in 1 day.
• If you fail to make it happen in 2 days, I'll have to figure out a punishment for you. Don't make me figure out a punishment for you.

1. I live in Central Ohio, so EST was a good decision.

2. Uh... that's good, cause I don't see C until Thursday anyways.

3. Get thinkin', you may need one.

[rogueboy]

1. I live in Central Ohio, so EST was a good decision.

2. Uh... that's good, cause I don't see C until Thursday anyways.

3. Get thinkin', you may need one.

1. Hurray for same time zones!

2. That's why I gave you 2 days.

3. You don't want me to come up with one. I mean, 2 days ago, I destroyed a friend's ankle. And that was WITHOUT her requiring punishment (at least as far as I know ). Don't make me come find you. Ok, fine, it was an accident while playing soccer. That's not the point here, though!

[Moonshadow]

How is she going about doing this? How are you reacting?

She's just being really grumpy all the time when she talks to me now, and is constantly accusing me of being grumpy and just generally being unpleasant. Which is a big change from how she used to be like.

[Coidzor]

She's just being really grumpy all the time when she talks to me now, and is constantly accusing me of being grumpy and just generally being unpleasant. Which is a big change from how she used to be like.

You guys have a break of communications for a bit to "cool down" or what have you?

If not, might be something to try.

And is this primarily through the written word or audio? Because one of the things about the written word is that a lot of what we read as far as tone from what others write actually comes from our own mood and feelings, due to the general lack of non-verbal cues. At least, I recall reading something about that.

[DeadManSleeping]

@arguskos: I recall that we live in the same city. Tell me where to be and I can come light a fire under you in the most literal sense

[Moonshadow]

You guys have a break of communications for a bit to "cool down" or what have you?

If not, might be something to try.

And is this primarily through the written word or audio? Because one of the things about the written word is that a lot of what we read as far as tone from what others write actually comes from our own mood and feelings, due to the general lack of non-verbal cues. At least, I recall reading something about that.

She said to me "well I'll leave you alone for a lil while". That consisted of about an hour. Now she's being all grumpy and passive aggressive and saying stuff like "WELL THAT WAS A SHORT LIVED FRIENDSHIP" and "GEEZ I JUST WANT YOU TO TALK TO ME NORMALLY", "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO AWKWARD".

And yeah. It's stressing me out. I've asked her to stop trying to guilt trip me and that made her even more pissy. sigh.

[Grinner]

And yeah. It's stressing me out. I've asked her to stop trying to guilt trip me and that made her even more pissy. sigh.

Could I ask you a question? When you said "friendzoning", exactly how open was the subject of romance at the time?

[arguskos]

@arguskos: I recall that we live in the same city. Tell me where to be and I can come light a fire under you in the most literal sense

I keep wanting to meet you at some point. Also, if you ever come up to Delaware (I go to Ohio Wesleyan via commuting these days), let me know and you can light whatever fires might be needed.

[DeadManSleeping]

I will probably never have an external reason to be in Delaware, but PM me and I can give you whatever contact info you need.

Or you could just join the GitP Facebook group. We're a lot of fun. Except when there's drama.

[Glass Mouse]

I met a cute girl at a Magic: The Gathering draft that a friend of mine was holding. It turns out she used to date the friend in question, and while they weren't on great terms, they could tolerate playing magic at the same table. I was just wondering how appropriate/inappropriate it would be to make advances on her; it seems like she and my friend were dating until rather recently.

Ask your friend.

Ok, I'm rambling now. Someone just tell me something, make me act, because I won't on my own, due to cowardice and pessimism. X_X

*clicks lighter*

If rogueboy's approach didn't work, I'm getting in line!

She said to me "well I'll leave you alone for a lil while". That consisted of about an hour. Now she's being all grumpy and passive aggressive and saying stuff like "WELL THAT WAS A SHORT LIVED FRIENDSHIP" and "GEEZ I JUST WANT YOU TO TALK TO ME NORMALLY", "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO AWKWARD".

And yeah. It's stressing me out. I've asked her to stop trying to guilt trip me and that made her even more pissy. sigh.

I'd say, stop talking to her. Take it all on you that you're kinda torn up about this whole thing, and you need some time to clear your head. Cue a period of non-communication in which she'll hopefully calm down.

Or, if you want to confront her again, use a very "me-focused" approach. Don't tell her to stop guilt-tripping, because she probably doesn't agree that that's what she's doing, so you just come across as inconsiderate and accusative. If you confront her, focus on how you're feeling instead of what she's doing. If she's not a total psychopath, she'll relate and hopefully do something about it.

[Last_resort_33]

The true dichotemy

The two statements were unrelated! I meant to... Nevermind... I'm not very good at expressing myself... which is part of why I don't want to make a mess of this....

[Sholos]

Don't you hate it when one friend pisses another friend off and so the pissed off friend actively avoids you? For the foreseeable future?

[Marillion]

So I told a girl last night that I like her, in what i thought was a pretty unambiguous way. Her response? "Well I already know that silly. It would be pretty stupid if people hung around people they didn't like."

Polite rejection by deflection, or is she actually that oblivious? You decide.

[Starwulf]

So I told a girl last night that I like her, in what i thought was a pretty unambiguous way. Her response? "Well I already know that silly. It would be pretty stupid if people hung around people they didn't like."

Polite rejection by deflection, or is she actually that oblivious? You decide.

How unambiguous was unambiguous? Was it "Ya know, having spent a lot of time with you in the last *insert amount of time here*, I've come to realize that I like you, and not just as a friend" or was it "Ya know, I really like you, a lot". If the second, it could possibly be just she's oblivious.

[DeadManSleeping]

You must have been too ambiguous.

Or she might have a case of anime hero syndrome. It appears to be spreading.

[Marillion]

Well, she was listing her friends on FB chat and asking me which of them I'd *ahem*, and reasons why or why not. She got to herself, and I said yes, "because you're, well, you." She asked me what I meant by that, and I said "Well, S, I *like* you".

Perhaps it was the medium at fault.

[DeadManSleeping]

Marill, did you try to tell someone your feelings

Over Facebook chat

THAT IS A PROBLEM

Although I think telling her you wanted to her is a good step. Now you just have to be clearer on why!

[Cobra_Ikari]

Well, she was listing her friends on FB chat and asking me which of them I'd *ahem*, and reasons why or why not. She got to herself, and I said yes, "because you're, well, you." She asked me what I meant by that, and I said "Well, S, I *like* you".

Perhaps it was the medium at fault.

Eh, given that the subject was more focused on aheming, I could see that being ambiguous?

[Marillion]

Marill, did you try to tell someone your feelings

Over Facebook chat

THAT IS A PROBLEM

Although I think telling her you wanted to her is a good step. Now you just have to be clearer on why!

Heh, the opportunity presented itself, so I did it. If there's one thing I've learned from years of "Not now, it's not the right moment", it's that there IS no right moment.

[Coidzor]

Eh, given that the subject was more focused on aheming, I could see that being ambiguous?

Wait. What?

Girl: Would you have sex with me?
Guy: Yes, because I like you.

That's ambiguous now?

I mean, it is a rather silly phraseology. And a rather silly question if one weren't doing it with an obvious ulterior motive...

[John Cribati]

Wait. What?

Girl: Would you have sex with me?
Guy: Yes, because I like you.

That's ambiguous now?

You never know. The stereotypical guy these days (not actual guy, just a stereotypical one) desires to stick Mr. Grayson (or, if you prefer, Mr. Tracy) into every female he meets.

[Cobra_Ikari]

Wait. What?

Girl: Would you have sex with me?
Guy: Yes, because I like you.

That's ambiguous now?

I mean, it is a rather silly phraseology. And a rather silly question if one weren't doing it with an obvious ulterior motive...

I dunno. I suppose, in my experiences, people are much less selective when it comes to who they'd sex as opposed to who they'd romance. *shrugs*

See also any argument about why (straight) girls and guys can't be friends (That is, that apparently, most guys would sleep with any of their female friends, and most girls are not surprised that their male friends would sleep with them given the chance).

[Coidzor]

You never know. The stereotypical guy these days (not actual guy, just a stereotypical one) desires to stick Mr. Grayson (or, if you prefer, Mr. Tracy) into every female he meets.

However, "Because I like you" would not be the usual reason given when responding in the "horndog" vein. It'd be the more usual physical descriptors, like "cuz yer hawt" or "cuz you have great secondary sexual characteristics."

Further, actually asking the question directly about one's self is sufficiently unusual that one would think either there was something wrong with the person asking or that they had an ulterior motive in asking, so they'd actually consider the response they were given.

But, yes, it is the Silly Coidzor that considers that someone who is ostensibly someone else's friend would consider anything other than the lowest, most crass, and nonsensical stereotypical interpretation possible.

[John Cribati]

But, yes, it is the Silly Coidzor that considers that someone who is ostensibly someone else's friend would consider anything other than the lowest, most crass, and nonsensical stereotypical interpretation possible.

I remember watching an episode of "The Talk," where Sharon Osbourne, Carrie from The King Of Queens, Generic Black Woman and Generic Asian Woman were talking about guys with female friends and vice-versa. The other three were trying to convince Generic Asian Woman that she shouldn't have male friends who were too close, because any of them would totally sleep with her if she offered to. I've actually researched this, and read a lot of books by women about men. Pretty much all of them subscribe some version of the "men are all freaky horndogs who want to stick it in as many things as possible" theory.

[Glass Mouse]

I remember watching an episode of "The Talk," where Sharon Osbourne, Carrie from The King Of Queens, Generic Black Woman and Generic Asian Woman were talking about guys with female friends and vice-versa. The other three were trying to convince Generic Asian Woman that she shouldn't have male friends who were too close, because any of them would totally sleep with her if she offered to. I've actually researched this, and read a lot of books by women about men. Pretty much all of them subscribe some version of the "men are all freaky horndogs who want to stick it in as many things as possible" theory.

I must admit, even if that theory holds true, I don't really see how that should lead to no male friends. I mean, it's not like "I'd do it if given the chance" equals rape or endless pining.

Someone explain?

[John Cribati]

I must admit, even if that theory holds true, I don't really see how that should lead to no male friends. I mean, it's not like "I'd do it if given the chance" equals rape or endless pining.

Someone explain?

Something to do with the fact that Generic Asian Woman was married, I guess.

[Form]

Hmmm, looks like I'm not going to get any response at all from the girl I sent a rose to for Valentine's. I know it's not that big a deal and that she doesn't owe me a response or anything, but I would like to know how it was received, you know? But no reaction at all, neither even a 'thank you' nor a 'go away'.

I'm kind of reluctant to ask her about it, so chances are I'll never find out. It's like it never happened.

[DeadManSleeping]

@Form: Sucks, man. How well do you know her? If she's a friend, you should bring it up. Every proposition deserves an answer, even if the answer is a "**** no!".

But, yes, it is the Silly Coidzor that considers that someone who is ostensibly someone else's friend would consider anything other than the lowest, most crass, and nonsensical stereotypical interpretation possible.

Given that's how you interpret everything posted by anyone on this forum ever, you must not like us very much!

Most people I've known are perfectly able to handle being friends with someone who is attracted to them. The only issues seem to arise when that fact affects the behavior of the person who is attracted to the other. As long as you don't continually act as if you're expecting the other person to be a possible romantic partner, really, a friendship can survive a one-way attraction as if there was nothing wrong at all.

The stereotype about guys being horndogs has a little truth to it. Because, in our cultural perception, the male has a much higher chance of "enjoying" any given sexual encounter, casual sex has a much higher reward/risk function. If girls had the same high reward chance, then they'd be just as bad (check studies done with girls who like girls: they pretty much come right back to level with guys). So, basically, the lesson here is that we're ALL horndogs. And once we can accept that we're all horndogs, we can get past it and continue to live exactly as comfortably as we do now. Because if every other animal in the world can deal with it, I bet we can too.

[Drascin]

I remember watching an episode of "The Talk," where Sharon Osbourne, Carrie from The King Of Queens, Generic Black Woman and Generic Asian Woman were talking about guys with female friends and vice-versa. The other three were trying to convince Generic Asian Woman that she shouldn't have male friends who were too close, because any of them would totally sleep with her if she offered to. I've actually researched this, and read a lot of books by women about men. Pretty much all of them subscribe some version of the "men are all freaky horndogs who want to stick it in as many things as possible" theory.

The funny thing is that a lot of men believe it too. If I had ten euros for every man I've have to basically reassure that not being attracted to everything is not bad, is not a diminishment of his masculinity, and it doesn't make him weird... I'd probably have like half of the price of that PS3 I want to buy saved already. Most guys will act as if they'd hit everything even if they wouldn't, because hell, that's what guys are supposed to do, right?

[Coidzor]

I remember watching an episode of "The Talk," where Sharon Osbourne, Carrie from The King Of Queens, Generic Black Woman and Generic Asian Woman were talking about guys with female friends and vice-versa. The other three were trying to convince Generic Asian Woman that she shouldn't have male friends who were too close, because any of them would totally sleep with her if she offered to. I've actually researched this, and read a lot of books by women about men. Pretty much all of them subscribe some version of the "men are all freaky horndogs who want to stick it in as many things as possible" theory.

1. If this person subscribed to that belief, why would she ask and why would she be friends with him?
2. This belief system you're discussing sounds more like it's expecting justification based on physical things rather than justification based upon feelings. Which is what I was getting at in the first place.

Given that's how you interpret everything posted by anyone on this forum ever, you must not like us very much!

No, it's not.