Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping

[DeadManSleeping]

It doesn't sound like there'd be much chance of it being BAD, man. Try not to bring a bad attitude to potential romantic situations. Pessimism is the worst third wheel EVER.

[Heliomance]

Alternatively, shake things up in how you're meeting people.

This is having already shaken things up. Previously, my only real social circle was the uni gaming society, which has the usual low ratio of girls. Last term I joined the light operatic society, which has a far higher proportion. But again, all the girls that I've got on with to the point where I think they have dating potential are taken already.

[Serpentine]

I should have known it was something else, but with him saying he was fine with kissing other guys...I just had to take the chance.
I should have known it was more of my fault then his fault...

I don't think it's a matter of fault. You weren't wrong to tell him (I wasn't there, so I can't comment on the manner in which you did it). Any person telling any friend they have a crush on them is a risky and delicate business. You're not to blame for having those feelings, and he's not to blame for however he feels about that.
Probably the most common pitfall in the expression of unrequited feelings is the feeling of pressure it places on the recipient. I think the best thing you could do now is tell him (via email, say, if you can't get onto him directly) that, for example, you're sorry if what you said made him uncomfortable, that you just thought he ought to know and that you have absolutely no expectations of him and are happy to just continue on as normal; if the latter two aren't actually true, then perhaps a break from him is the best thing anyway.

[Adumbration]

It doesn't sound like there'd be much chance of it being BAD, man. Try not to bring a bad attitude to potential romantic situations. Pessimism is the worst third wheel EVER.

Well, there's a chance I lose two new friends if I screw it up bad enough. Which isn't too far fetched, considering I have 0 dating experience, I am socially awkward-ish and a habitual loner.

I am also terrible at flirting with a single person in a group social situation without coming off creepy, so I have a tendency of not trying. Not to speak of a situation where I know ahead of time there is an attempt of pairing me off with someone - I have no idea how to behave in that social context, so I may easily fail expectations of which I know nothing of. Or attempt to behave in a manner which I believe satisfies the expectations where there were none.

Did I mention the tendency to overthink things? I would be amiss to not mention it - for surely if I did not, you would.

[Serpentine]

Oh, you're actually worried about that? In that case (bear with me), just don't worry about it. Forget about the date aspect, and just get yourself excited at the prospect of meeting someone new that your friends think you'll get along with. Don't worry about flirting or being oh-so-charming and the like. Just be open, welcoming, friendly, and open to the possibility that you might make a connection.

[Ichneumon]

Hi guys,

I need some advise, because I feel absolutely terrible right now. Those that might remember, half a year ago, I had a girlfriend. Well, we eventually broke up because it just didn't work. A few weeks ago she and and one of my best friends hooked up and I really didn't mind that, at all. I'm happy he's happy and I really didn't care much about her (although I'm happy for her to). Now, the thing is, I just found out she's been cheating me with him, while we still had something, a month before we broke up. One night he stayed over and while I was sleeping they went into another room to... well, you know.

I really don't know what to think about this. At all. I really don't care that much about her, since I had already learned she was kind of a slut (that's also partly why I broke up), but I hadn't expected it from him at all. Really, I'm rather angry, especially since he didn't tell me and they did it, while I was in the same house.

[Coidzor]

Well, that depends on whether you want to go with trusting him and keeping him as a friend or whether you're more concerned about getting to the bottom of this or that you can't trust him as a friend in the future given the knowledge of this level of betrayal.

Well, there's a chance I lose two new friends if I screw it up bad enough. Which isn't too far fetched, considering I have 0 dating experience, I am socially awkward-ish and a habitual loner.

I am also terrible at flirting with a single person in a group social situation without coming off creepy, so I have a tendency of not trying. Not to speak of a situation where I know ahead of time there is an attempt of pairing me off with someone - I have no idea how to behave in that social context, so I may easily fail expectations of which I know nothing of. Or attempt to behave in a manner which I believe satisfies the expectations where there were none.

Did I mention the tendency to overthink things? I would be amiss to not mention it - for surely if I did not, you would.

Nah. If they've survived you interacting with them, they'll survive you interacting with a friend they're willingly subjecting to you.

Now, they might beat on you for a bit, but that's to be expected if anime has taught me anything about male-female relationships.

[Sturmcrow]

I really don't know what to think about this. At all. I really don't care that much about her, since I had already learned she was kind of a slut (that's also partly why I broke up), but I hadn't expected it from him at all. Really, I'm rather angry, especially since he didn't tell me and they did it, while I was in the same house.

You should feel angry it is a normal reaction. I am sorry to hear that, broken trust is a terrible thing. It is a hard thing to forgive something like that.

[DeadManSleeping]

For the next few weeks, any time he asks you a favor or is hesitant about doing you a favor, just say "You [act]ed my girlfriend while I was sleeping in the other room" and leave it at that. It doesn't matter where you are, or who is there.

Example:
"Can you make me a sandwich?"
"You [act]ed my girlfriend while I was sleeping in the next room. You can make ME a sandwich."

Whether or not he apologizes, he'll feel sorry.

[Cobra_Ikari]

Hi guys,

I need some advise, because I feel absolutely terrible right now. Those that might remember, half a year ago, I had a girlfriend. Well, we eventually broke up because it just didn't work. A few weeks ago she and and one of my best friends hooked up and I really didn't mind that, at all. I'm happy he's happy and I really didn't care much about her (although I'm happy for her to). Now, the thing is, I just found out she's been cheating me with him, while we still had something, a month before we broke up. One night he stayed over and while I was sleeping they went into another room to... well, you know.

I really don't know what to think about this. At all. I really don't care that much about her, since I had already learned she was kind of a slut (that's also partly why I broke up), but I hadn't expected it from him at all. Really, I'm rather angry, especially since he didn't tell me and they did it, while I was in the same house.

...even long broken up, it's still difficult to hear that people betrayed your trust like that.

I'm not sure what kind of advice you're seeking, though. Anger is...pretty justified in this situation. Are you asking for advice on interacting with your former friends, or for how to cope with learning you've been cheated on, or something else? *hugs*

[arguskos]

For the next few weeks, any time he asks you a favor or is hesitant about doing you a favor, just say "You [act]ed my girlfriend while I was sleeping in the other room" and leave it at that. It doesn't matter where you are, or who is there.

Example:
"Can you make me a sandwich?"
"You [act]ed my girlfriend while I was sleeping in the next room. You can make ME a sandwich."

Whether or not he apologizes, he'll feel sorry.

Man, I want to use that line all the time, regardless of if I have a sigother or not.

[Maeglin_Dubh]

...even long broken up, it's still difficult to hear that people betrayed your trust like that.

I'm not sure what kind of advice you're seeking, though. Anger is...pretty justified in this situation. Are you asking for advice on interacting with your former friends, or for how to cope with learning you've been cheated on, or something else? *hugs*

The manner in which you find out about these things can matter a lot, too.

Three times now I've had a solid gut instinct that it was going on, and it was, but rather than force a confrontation with no evidence I drew the girls into admitting it to me. I guess it just feels more sporting that way.

[Cobra_Ikari]

The manner in which you find out about these things can matter a lot, too.

Three times now I've had a solid gut instinct that it was going on, and it was, but rather than force a confrontation with no evidence I drew the girls into admitting it to me. I guess it just feels more sporting that way.

Ah. My experiences have been more "walked in on" and "accidentally informed by a mutual friend", so...*shrugs*

[Karen Lynn]

Oh what the hey. I've seen a lot of people posting their links for OKC, so I may as well. How quickly are you chased away?

[Taffimai]

I would suggest leaving off the first two lines of the self-summary. Those really put me off. If you want to keep some humour in as a first impression, perhaps switch the two paragraphs around. Apart from that, it was an enjoyable and attractive profile to read and when I was ten years younger I probably would have responded to it - if I had ever bothered with dating sites, that is. I liked the bear picture a lot better than the one you picked for your profile, but it probably wouldn't make for a good substitute if it were resized.

To answer one of your questions: you probably get matched with a lot of single mothers because those are over-represented on dating sites. Without the responsibilities that children bring, a single woman has plenty of time to go on first dates. Once babysits come into the picture, the "who are you, what are your interests" stage of dating becomes a waste of time and money in most cases. A dating site allows you to be more selective in how you spend your resources.

[Karen Lynn]

Took both of y'all's advice on that. I think that'll work better. Also, dropped the single mother comment.

[Kyberwulf]

How do i get over this Desire for more then just a causual Sexual relationships?

sometimes i think there is something wrong with me

[Karen Lynn]

Age and gender?

[Karen Lynn]

Pretty much. The desire could just be biological based on age and gender. It's how I was for years until I met this one girl.

[Kyberwulf]

So, i just recently got dumped.

And i am having problems...
Not .. like i want to kill myself problems, just.

I need someone to talk to problems.

She was my best friend.

All my other friends. .. well are good friends. but not the kind you can talk to about relationship issues.

About the most helpful response i could get from them is, get over it.
Which i agree, is what i should do. but its to recent for me to.. be just okay with. By recent i mean it happen a week ago, and a week of talking made me finally agree.

i just, can't stop thinkin about what might have been. Like its still a possibility. She even said that the problems we where having was i wasn't giving her enough space, and time for herself. She made reference however slim.. that when she gets her life straight, it might be a possibility,... that however was a week ago.
Since then i just couldn't let it go. And now i don't even know if she wants to talk to me again.

Just everything in my being tells me to fight for the possibility. Everything but my brain. Its telling me to back off, give her time. let the situation cool down.

I guess, my question is this. How do i not fight for the someone that i love. How do i Not fight for what i believe in?

thats whats making this so difficult

[Karen Lynn]

Fight for her by fighting your urge. I don't say give it up, I say give it time. Maybe she has things she doesn't feel she can talk about. Next time you see her, tell her you understand, and will be there if she needs you. Then just leave her be. If y'all hang out, just hang out. Just bide your time.

*all advice from this account is from a hopeless romantic in love. Be warned. :)

[Grinner]

So, i just recently got dumped.

And i am having problems...
Not .. like i want to kill myself problems, just.

I need someone to talk to problems.

She was my best friend.

All my other friends. .. well are good friends. but not the kind you can talk to about relationship issues.

About the most helpful response i could get from them is, get over it.
Which i agree, is what i should do. but its to recent for me to.. be just okay with. By recent i mean it happen a week ago, and a week of talking made me finally agree.

i just, can't stop thinkin about what might have been. Like its still a possibility. She even said that the problems we where having was i wasn't giving her enough space, and time for herself. She made reference however slim.. that when she gets her life straight, it might be a possibility,... that however was a week ago.
Since then i just couldn't let it go. And now i don't even know if she wants to talk to me again.

Just everything in my being tells me to fight for the possibility. Everything but my brain. Its telling me to back off, give her time. let the situation cool down.

I guess, my question is this. How do i not fight for the someone that i love. How do i Not fight for what i believe in?

thats whats making this so difficult

It sounds like you were quite attached to her, but your brain is right. If it's over, then it's over. You need to just back off. Go elsewhere. Take up a martial art or something. Maybe a hobby? Definitely something physical.

That said, she may be up for it again in the future. But don't count on it.

[Dervag]

How do i get over this Desire for more then just a causual Sexual relationships?

sometimes i think there is something wrong with me

Why would this mean there's anything wrong with you?

So, i just recently got dumped.

And i am having problems...
Not .. like i want to kill myself problems, just.

I need someone to talk to problems.

She was my best friend.

All my other friends. .. well are good friends. but not the kind you can talk to about relationship issues.

About the most helpful response i could get from them is, get over it.
Which i agree, is what i should do. but its to recent for me to.. be just okay with. By recent i mean it happen a week ago, and a week of talking made me finally agree.

i just, can't stop thinkin about what might have been...

Ah. I see. Well then, is your problem that you want more than casual sex? Or is it that you want more than casual sex and you want those things with her, personally.

Just everything in my being tells me to fight for the possibility. Everything but my brain. Its telling me to back off, give her time. let the situation cool down.

I guess, my question is this. How do i not fight for the someone that i love. How do i Not fight for what i believe in?

Try deliberately doing things that have nothing to do with her? Try talking to people who have nothing to do with her? Try, specifically, to talk to girls who have nothing to do with her?

The brain can only store so many things at once, so if you want to move away from something, do other things until that space in your head gets refilled with something (or someone) else. If you want a life that does not include being madly in love with this one girl you met in the year 20XX, whether she wants you back or not, then you have to make sure to meet other girls in the years 20XX+1, 20XX+2, and so on.

And you wouldn't be betraying her by doing so, either, so try to fight that if you can. Ethically, she had a claim on you in the past, but she gives that up by dumping you. She doesn't get to keep her claim, and force you to honor it, by saying "but I might want you back (if I don't get a better offer or totally change my mind about the kind of guy I'm into)."

That's just not fair to you, y'know?

[Coidzor]

How do i get over this Desire for more then just a causual Sexual relationships?

sometimes i think there is something wrong with me

Well, that depends upon your age, sex, hormones, family history, and a number of other factors. Usually it's just an age thing. A man's sexual hormones usually start slowing down by 20 and reach a rough equilibrium around 25 or so? And then it's a long, slow, steady decline from there until it starts plummeting with old age.

Some people are lifelong inveterate bachelors. Others latch onto the first offer of monogamy they get, despite it not actually being monogamous.

[Sholos]

And then there's those of us who are pretty much destined to be single forever. 26 and not a single meaningful relationship with a woman ever. I wish I knew how people get girls interested in being around them, because I sure can't.

[Kyberwulf]

For me, its not hard getting people interested in me. Its how to maintain that ratio of ... being there so the friendship doesn't die, but at the same time... not suffocate them, or .. Smoother them. thats how all my relationship dies.

[SweetLikeLemons]

*Sigh* I understand the tendency to try to let people down easy, nobody likes to be the bad guy and crush someone, and sometimes people really are confused about what they want and might want to leave things open so they can come back. I just think that ambiguous endings to relationships are cruel, and usually just prolong the pain. It's probably best in that situation to think of it as a clean break, even if if wasn't. Allow yourself to grieve for it, but don't hold out hope that it will come back.

My advice is to focus on yourself for a while. Do things that you like to do, build relationships with other people (not romantic or sexual, just make sure to be social and spend time with friends). Explore new things, take a class, try something you've wanted to do but haven't. It gives you something to think about other than her, which makes it easier to move on. When you are ready for another relationship, it gives you more of a chance to meet people, and beyond that, having interests makes you interesting. And, if the thing about not having enough space and time apart wasn't just something she said, having things to be passionate outside of a relationship makes it easier to avoid that situation in the future.

[Karen Lynn]

And:

Don't drink and dial. I just made that mistake. >.<

[Karen Lynn]

When I'm sober: hanging out, game sessions, bar nights, and the occasional date.

When drinking: ruined relationships, booty calls, and skeletons coming out of the closet.

[Marillion]

So I told a girl last night that I like her, in what i thought was a pretty unambiguous way. Her response? "Well I already know that silly. It would be pretty stupid if people hung around people they didn't like."

Polite rejection by deflection, or is she actually that oblivious? You decide.

Apparently, neither. She wasn't oblivious, but she wasn't trying to deflect my attentions, just play with me. She hasn't said anything like "I'm not interested", "I like you as a friend", or "Get away from me you creep!", but she has said that it's not safe to like her, she's not girlfriend material, and so on. Yet, our banter has gone in an entirely new direction. The feeling I get from her is one of confusion and confliction.

Oh well. We'll see.