Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping

[Mindfreak]

So I thought I should give an update...

Me and my best friend talked today. I told him that I didn't expect anything from him when I had tol him about my crush and that I was sorry if I made him uncomfortable. I was able to patch things up with him and I'm grateful for everyone's help here.

And with my best female friend and that girl who did the blabbing? Me and my friend are still friends which I'm glad for, but I don't feel comfortable asking her for any advice yet...and with that girl...things are just really awkward now. She gives me a wide berth.

But I still can't express how much I appreciate all of you help, guys.

[rogueboy]

Glad to hear it didn't damage your friendship, Mindfreak! I'd expect time will help with your best female friend, at least for being able to talk with her about what happened. And unless I've misunderstood, that other girl is just a classmate? I say let her feel awkward around you, she deserves it. Just keep doing what you're doing, and the whole thing will go away, in time.

[Starwulf]

So I thought I should give an update...

Me and my best friend talked today. I told him that I didn't expect anything from him when I had tol him about my crush and that I was sorry if I made him uncomfortable. I was able to patch things up with him and I'm grateful for everyone's help here.

And with my best female friend and that girl who did the blabbing? Me and my friend are still friends which I'm glad for, but I don't feel comfortable asking her for any advice yet...and with that girl...things are just really awkward now. She gives me a wide berth.

But I still can't express how much I appreciate all of you help, guys.

So, I'm kind of curious, what did your best friend have to say about the whole situation? Ignore me if I'm being to nosy ^^

[Mindfreak]

So, I'm kind of curious, what did your best friend have to say about the whole situation? Ignore me if I'm being to nosy ^^

He said he wasn't really uncomfortable with it but he said any relationship would be out of the question anyways. Since he does currently have a girlfriend and he said he wasn't exactly sure about is on sexual orientation yet.
He was surprisingly understanding.

[Anteros]

So. I just want to start out with a little disclaimer. I'm not really looking for sage advise. I realize that no one on the internet is going to post a few magic words to a stranger and make all of their problems go away. I am also most definitely not searching for sympathy. It's not that sympathy is unappreciated, it's simply that I don't feel that it is a productive part of the healing process for where I currently am. I'm posting this primarily because it's a place that I can vent my feelings in (relative) anonymity. My friends and family have all been very supportive of me through this, but there are things that I cannot say to them in comfort. That said, if anyone does have sage advise, or magic words...please feel free to chime in.

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I met G about two years ago. (“G” is of course, not her actual name. However, in respect of her privacy I will not disclose an actual name. Not that I believe anyone here would seek to invade her privacy of course. It is a simple matter of respect.) Anyway, I met G about 2 years ago. If anyone here disbelieves the existence of love at first sight, I can personally vouch for the phenomenon. She was simply my server in a sports bar and I was seeing someone else at the time although we were not serious. Within minutes of seeing G's smile, I had called the other girl and broken things off with her. It seems cruel in retrospect to have done such a thing over the phone, but we were not serious, and as I explained to her at the time “I'm sorry, I can't be with you. I just met the girl that I am going to marry.” According to G she experienced a similar phenomenon. As if I was “looking into her soul.”

Despite this, neither G nor I voiced these thoughts to one another at the time. Neither of us really believed in love at first sight, and we both wanted to actually get to know this stranger before we rushed into anything. So, I became a regular customer at her bar, and she my regular server. Thus began a courting process, during which we became friends, and eventually after 8 long months, lovers.

I had idolized this girl for over half a year. I had built up this incredible fancy of a perfect person in my head. Rationally, I knew that once we actually dated that this fantasy would be shattered. I knew that there is simply no way that reality can match up to the imagination of perfection my mind had concocted. In a way, I was right. She was better. In every way I had ever imagined this girl, she was better than the fantasy. She was better in ways that I had not even expected. She made me challenge things I had never thought to challenge, and try things I had never thought to try. According to G, it was the same with her. It was as if some divine being had created us, molded us to be a perfect match. What followed was the absolute best year of my life. I had found the other half of my soul, and it shone with a light to blind the sun. I was certain that we were destined to be together forever. Nothing could ever tear us apart. We were going to be married. We were a perfect love. It is this certainty I believe, which was my downfall.

There were warnings. Signs that she was not happy. However, in my mind they were minor. No relationship remained perfect without work, and these were trivial things that we would deal with in due course. It has always been a personal failing of mine to not realize that what seems trivial to me could be so incredibly important to another, although I did not realize it until she left. Even in leaving me, she helped me grow. And thus, one day I came home and she was gone. At first I did not even realize she had left. We had lived together for months, and as anyone knows it is impossible to scrub the proof of your existence from a place in a few mere hours. It was not until I read the note she left for me that I realized. I was completely blind-sided.

They say that if you love something you should let it go. This is a terrible saying. I have always believed that there is truth in it, but also a lie. If you love someone, you don't just let them go. You fight for them first. So I called her. Her phone was turned off. So I called her brother. He would let her know I called, but she was not ready to speak with me. This was not nearly good enough. You don't get to throw away someone's heart with no reason given except “I'll tell you why I left later” scribbled on note on the dining room table. So I went, and I found her, and learned her reasons. Here we come to the truth of that terrible saying. You have to be willing to give those you love the freedom to seek their own happiness. Even if that happiness does not include you.

Her reasons were simple yet complex. She was young and not ready to settle down. She needed time alone to find herself. And of course, my own personal flaws that I had been too arrogant to see. Valid reasons, although it did not seem so to me at the time. I begged and pleaded for her to return to me, and although she relented that she did still love me, her decision was already made. “Maybe one day in the future the people we grow into can try again, but not right now.” Thus, with much crying on both sides of the table, we vowed to remain friends.

This, of course did not last. For two weeks we made an honest effort at friendship, but the wounds were too fresh for me. Every time that we would talk she would assure me that she was not seeing anyone else. She simply needed time alone to find herself. This gave me false hope. Eventually I told her that I could not simply stand by and pretend that everything was fine while she walked away from me. I loved her, and I always would. This would be the last time we would speak. She did not respond to any of my messages following that incident and although I knew better, I could not stop myself from trying to talk with her. It's not that I bombarded her with messages, or followed her to work, or anything crazy like that. I simply could not stop myself however from sending her a message once a twice a week. “How are you?” “I hope you are well.” “I really would like for us to be friends one day.” Things of that nature. She never responded. This went on for about two weeks before I finally found the willpower to stop.

Thus we arrive at where I am now. The crazy thing is that rationally, I've accepted that she isn't coming back to me. It's been over a month since the breakup and I am sure that she is probably seeing someone by now, even if it is no more than a rebound or a fling. But it simply feels wrong. I knew from the moment that I met this girl that we were meant to be together forever. This feeling hasn't faded. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know for a fact that we will be together again one day. I've been certain of it since I met her, and the feeling hasn't faded a bit over the last month. I'm not a fool though. I recognize that denial is the first major stage of grief. Logically, I understand that I am simply deluding myself from the harsh truth that I was wrong. There is no such thing as fate. She is gone forever.

Unfortunately, I've never been a very logical person, and I highly doubt I am about to start being one now. I date other people, but it never feels right. I always feel like I'm cheating on her, even though she isn't there any more. So I sit here, and I wait. One day at a time, while time carries her away from me. I know things will get better eventually, and perhaps in a few months time, after the wounds have healed, I'll get in touch with her again. Perhaps we can be friends at that time. Perhaps not. Perhaps one day we can even be more than friends again. I've got a lot of issues to work through before I can be with anyone though, especially her, even on the slim chance she would be willing to try again.

If anyone actually made it through that giant block of text, thank you for taking the time to read it. Like I said at the beginning, I needed a chance to vent.

[Grinner]

@Anteros: I too fear that this is only the beginning.

Good luck.

[Starwulf]

Anteros: This may not be what you want to hear, but I once went through something similar. I was so positive this girl was going to be my lifemate. My one and all, my everything. She broke my heart, dashed it to pieces, by cheating on me with a friend. Less then a year later, I met my true life-mate, and I've been happy and haven't looked back since.

It might be time to move on. There are people that appear as though they were destined for you, but in the end, it was just a trick of light. If I were you, I would go out, live your life, but don't close out the possibility of finding someone else, which I have a feeling you may have been doing for the last while. Be open to meeting someone else, and you may end up surprised.

regardless, I wish you the best man, and I hope you can find true happiness in the future.

[Anteros]

Anteros: This may not be what you want to hear, but I once went through something similar. I was so positive this girl was going to be my lifemate. My one and all, my everything. She broke my heart, dashed it to pieces, by cheating on me with a friend. Less then a year later, I met my true life-mate, and I've been happy and haven't looked back since.

It might be time to move on. There are people that appear as though they were destined for you, but in the end, it was just a trick of light. If I were you, I would go out, live your life, but don't close out the possibility of finding someone else, which I have a feeling you may have been doing for the last while. Be open to meeting someone else, and you may end up surprised.

regardless, I wish you the best man, and I hope you can find true happiness in the future.

On a conscious level I understand that it's time to move on. Making the subconscious realize that and actually do it is the trick though. Right now I'm just focusing on myself. My school, my friends, my job, and my fitness...I've tried dating, but it still feels wrong...for now. I keep myself from thinking about her during the day (mostly) but every night I dream about her. I wake up 50 times a night at every small noise, hoping against hope that she's finally coming home. In short, I'm obsessed and in denial. I've seen it in enough of my friends, and even my own exes to recognize the signs. It's one of those things that only time has the power to fix I fear. Still, it helps to vent. Thank you for listening. The bright side, is that I've lost loved ones before, and I recognize that I've pretty much gone through the entire stages of grief (although in reverse, oddly enough) so once I get through the persistent self delusion I should be fine. The trick is convincing my subconscious mind that it wants to move on. The delusions are very comforting...although ultimately not healthy in the long term. Or maybe we genuinely are meant to be together, and my faith is not misplaced. Even in the unlikely scenario that is the case though, I recognize that the healthiest thing is to focus on myself and move on. If we're meant to be, then it's up to God or fate to bring us back together. Pining won't do it.

@Anteros: I too fear that this is only the beginning.

Good luck.

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by this. I could interpret it in any number of ways, but it's simpler to just ask.

[Skeppio]

So...

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There's this girl in the same uni course as me (though she's one year level lower than me). She's fun, cheery, and I really like her and wouldn't mind going out with her. Problem being that I haven't known her that long, plus I heavily doubt asking her out would go well (last time I asked a girl out, she rejected me, stopped speaking to me, and her friends followed suit). So my options appear to boil down to "ask her and get rejected with extra awkwardness and discomfort around me, or just wait, get to know her better, and watch some other guy ask and get her easily."

[DeadManSleeping]

Yes, because all women react to situations in identical ways. There is no individuality among them.
Sorry for pulling a Coidzor and taking the most negative possible thing out of what you said, but it felt called for.
It's times like these I wish there was a good eye-rolling emoticon.

If you like her, ask her out. Life is short. I guarantee you that not every woman on earth stops speaking to men they aren't interested in after it becomes clear that the man is interested in them.

[AtlanteanTroll]

If you like her, ask her out. Life is short. I guarantee you that not every woman on earth stops speaking to men they aren't interested in after it becomes clear that the man is interested in them.

And yet, sometimes it'd be better if they did.

[Grinner]

@Skeppio: Yeah, that seems to be how life works. You might as well give it a try.

@Anteros: I was afraid that was too vaguely worded.

What I meant was that there will be others. In the meantime, it's going to hurt. A lot.

[Rawhide]

So...

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There's this girl in the same uni course as me (though she's one year level lower than me). She's fun, cheery, and I really like her and wouldn't mind going out with her. Problem being that I haven't known her that long, plus I heavily doubt asking her out would go well (last time I asked a girl out, she rejected me, stopped speaking to me, and her friends followed suit). So my options appear to boil down to "ask her and get rejected with extra awkwardness and discomfort around me, or just wait, get to know her better, and watch some other guy ask and get her easily."

Ask her if she'd like to grab a coffee? It's a very neutral, non threatening, environment where you can get to know each other without it being a date-date.

[Frozen_Feet]

Gotta second asking her for coffee. Don't worry too much about not knowing her, getting to know a person is what coffee dates (and first dates in general) are for.

[Grinner]

Gotta second asking her for coffee. Don't worry too much about not knowing her, getting to know a person is what coffee dates (and first dates in general) are for.

Why is coffee so popular for first dates?

[The Bandicoot]

Why is coffee so popular for first dates?

Because its a public place and you can learn A LOT about someone based on what kind of coffee they drink.

[SweetLikeLemons]

Why is coffee so popular for first dates?

Being face to face across a table encourages conversation. Coffee is less expensive than food, doesn't impair one's judgement like booze, and is usually consumed in well-lit public places.

Like Rawhide said, neutral and non-threatening.

[Asta Kask]

Also, the person I share food with is the person I trust. There are many examples of this.

[The Succubus]

Indeed. I had a date ask for the blood of virgins in her coffee. It gave me a subtle clue that this might not be the woman for me.

[Nix Nihila]

It makes things a little awkward for people who don't like coffee, but usually there's other stuff you can get if you really can't stomach it.

I know I'd be more intrigued if someone asked me out for tea. Of course, I wouldn't expect anyone I don't already know well to have knowledge of my beverage preferences.

[The Succubus]

@^ Now this is quite the civilised young lady. If you knew a good tea bar with a good selection of different blends, I'd take you up on it in a heartbeat.

[Nix Nihila]

Well, now I know who to call if I'm ever in the UK!

Although admittedly I don't know any good tea bars over there.

[Objection]

I'm more of a hot chocolate guy myself.

[rogueboy]

The whole coffee-date being so engrained as a place to start is actually the only reason I've been able to come up with as to why I should even consider trying to get to the point where I can at least stomach the stuff. As it stands now, I just flat out dislike it. And yes, I've had a friend or 2 insist on buying me something since we were stopping there anyway (large group). I ended up giving it to someone else.

[Coidzor]

As far as I can recall, there's no especial stigma attached to going with a nice chai or even ye chai latte.

Indeed. I had a date ask for the blood of virgins in her coffee. It gave me a subtle clue that this might not be the woman for me.

Only like the blood of the gently used, eh?

[Skeppio]

I'm not a fan of coffee, but I'll give it a shot. Thanks everyone.

[Serpentine]

It's times like these I wish there was a good eye-rolling emoticon.

I use 9.9, it's the best I've found.

It makes things a little awkward for people who don't like coffee, but usually there's other stuff you can get if you really can't stomach it.

I know I'd be more intrigued if someone asked me out for tea. Of course, I wouldn't expect anyone I don't already know well to have knowledge of my beverage preferences.

I don't like coffee, OR tea, so I just have hot chocolate or a chai latte.
And at uni, inviting people to my place for tea was my go-to method for making friends.

Which is the other part of why "having coffee" is such a good... not first date, but first step in acquiring a date, especially at uni, especially at a uni cafe: it's something you could do with anyone, a friend or an acquaintance or even a study partner. It's low pressure, and offers plenty of plausible deniability, and is one of the best options for conversation.

[Rawhide]

It makes things a little awkward for people who don't like coffee, but usually there's other stuff you can get if you really can't stomach it.

I know I'd be more intrigued if someone asked me out for tea. Of course, I wouldn't expect anyone I don't already know well to have knowledge of my beverage preferences.

I'm not a fan of coffee, but I'll give it a shot. Thanks everyone.

Heck, I don't like coffee, but I still ask people out for coffee.

[arguskos]

Heck, I don't like coffee, but I still ask people out for coffee.

Hell, I loathe coffee, but I still asked someone to coffee last week. Got shot down like a pro, too. :sadface:

[Nix Nihila]

Heck, I don't like coffee, but I still ask people out for coffee.

I was thinking more from the perspective of being asked to get coffee. It is a little awkward for me simply because I probably wouldn't want anything I could get at a normal coffee shop. Or at least a normal coffee shop where I live. Not that I won't go to a coffee shop if someone asks me, it just doesn't feel very casual.

If I was interested in someone and wanted to test the waters, I could see myself asking them out for coffee.