Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping

[Ceric]

I was thinking more from the perspective of being asked to get coffee. It is a little awkward for me simply because I probably wouldn't want anything I could get at a normal coffee shop. Or at least a normal coffee shop where I live. Not that I won't go to a coffee shop if someone asks me, it just doesn't feel very casual.

If I was interested in someone and wanted to test the waters, I could see myself asking them out for coffee.

Are there any places like coffee shops that you could suggest in response? Around here (both my location and age), people usually ask each other out for pearl milk teas/boba drinks/whatever they're called, but I don't like them. So I usually suggest going to a nearby ice cream place instead, which is just as popular. Not so convenient during the cold seasons though.

This is not solely a question to Nix, because I don't like coffee either...

[Starwulf]

Because its a public place and you can learn A LOT about someone based on what kind of coffee they drink.

Uhh, I"ll be honest, I don't see what you could possibly learn about someone by the type of coffee they drink, beyond whether or not they drink coffee. I don't drink coffee, what does that tell you about me? Nothing, besides the fact that I don't drink coffee.

I will say though, that Tea is the drink of the gods themselves. I've enjoyed tea since I was like 5 or 6 years old and my mom would make tea and graham crackers, I'd always steal drinks of hers, until she just started making me cups. My wife thinks I"m the oddest person ever because I love Green Tea(especially with a touch of honey or lemon).

Really though, a coffee date really is the safest first date(or prequel to a date) that you can get, and it gives you a great chance to just talk about random things and get to know each other.

[Rawhide]

I don't like coffee either...

Hey Ceric, would you like to go grab a coffee?

[The Succubus]

Why all the Coffee hate?

Murphy's Law is a brilliant series.

[Ceric]

Hey Ceric, would you like to go grab a coffee?

Well, I don't really drink coffee. But do you want to go get ice cream instead?

[Cobra_Ikari]

Well, I don't really drink coffee. But do you want to go get ice cream instead?

...what are your opinions on coffee ice cream? >.>



More seriously, though...if you invite someone to coffee and they offer an alternative, how much of that is being polite and how much of it is expressing interest?

[Rawhide]

Well, I don't really drink coffee. But do you want to go get ice cream instead?

Certainly, I don't actually like coffee myself. I know this excellent Swiss ice creamery...

[Drascin]

Are there any places like coffee shops that you could suggest in response? Around here (both my location and age), people usually ask each other out for pearl milk teas/boba drinks/whatever they're called, but I don't like them. So I usually suggest going to a nearby ice cream place instead, which is just as popular. Not so convenient during the cold seasons though.

I do not understand what cold seasons have to do with icecream. Icecream is as delicious in winter as it is in summer.

[Castaras]

I do not understand what cold seasons have to do with icecream. Icecream is as delicious in winter as it is in summer.

This. Icecream on 2nd January was amazing.

[SweetLikeLemons]

I do not understand what cold seasons have to do with icecream. Icecream is as delicious in winter as it is in summer.

I've heard that Alaskans have the highest per capita consumption of ice cream of any state in the US. When I lived there, I certainly did my part, year round.

More seriously, though...if you invite someone to coffee and they offer an alternative, how much of that is being polite and how much of it is expressing interest?

I would say that that actually would be a greater expression of interest, since they are clearly interested in doing something with you, even though the original suggestion was not something they were interested in. If they say yes immediately, who knows? They could just really like coffee.


And with all this talk of asking people out for coffee/tea/cocoa/alternate activities I can't believe this hasn't made an appearance yet.

[The Succubus]

This does tickle my curiousity now though. We've raised ice-cream parlours, the omni-present coffee and afternoon tea as being good ideas for that first introductory session. Are there any other suggestions?

[Castaras]

Grab lunch at a nearby catering area? Me and a friend of mine had Jacket Potato dates at one of the catering outlets on uni campus (mostly to complain about maths lectures, but could work for actual dates, I'm sure).

[Serpentine]

More seriously, though...if you invite someone to coffee and they offer an alternative, how much of that is being polite and how much of it is expressing interest?

Why would it just be polite? It means they're interested in doing something with you, but they'd rather do something other than your suggestion.

[Cobra_Ikari]

Why would it just be polite? It means they're interested in doing something with you, but they'd rather do something other than your suggestion.

I am a crazy socially illiterate person, sometimes I need to have things spelled out/make sure, ok?

[Serpentine]

If anything, I'd've thought the strictly polite thing to do would be to go along with whatever they suggest, regardless of your feelings on it...

[Ceric]

...what are your opinions on coffee ice cream? >.>



More seriously, though...if you invite someone to coffee and they offer an alternative, how much of that is being polite and how much of it is expressing interest?

I don't like the taste of coffee, sorry (And I really am saddened when people like foods and I don't. I feel like I'm missing out of something good. I could just eat/drink more of it so I start liking it, but that would involve drinking coffee... )


Probably depends on the alternate suggestion. Going for coffee allows for plausible deniability, as someone said earlier, since cafés are so general. Eat, study, socialize, date, etc. Ice cream parlours aren't somewhere you'd generally think of for studying so they're more socialize/date-like. On the other hand, if you ask someone out for coffee and they suggest a library instead, they're probably not interested (or they're oblivious).

In general, though, it does seem to indicate interest. "I don't really like your suggestion but I do want to hang out with you, so I'll put effort into thinking of an alternative that we can both enjoy"

[Serpentine]

I wish I liked tea and coffee. There's these whole cultures surrounding them that I feel left out of...

[Cobra_Ikari]

I don't like the taste of coffee, sorry (And I really am saddened when people like foods and I don't. I feel like I'm missing out of something good. I could just eat/drink more of it so I start liking it, but that would involve drinking coffee... )


Probably depends on the alternate suggestion. Going for coffee allows for plausible deniability, as someone said earlier, since cafés are so general. Eat, study, socialize, date, etc. Ice cream parlours aren't somewhere you'd generally think of for studying so they're more socialize/date-like. On the other hand, if you ask someone out for coffee and they suggest a library instead, they're probably not interested (or they're oblivious).

In general, though, it does seem to indicate interest. "I don't really like your suggestion but I do want to hang out with you, so I'll put effort into thinking of an alternative that we can both enjoy"

Meh. To be fair, I like my coffee cold and with some kind of ice product blended in, or lukewarm, barely creamed, and with roughly twice its volume in sugar dissolved in. >.>

I know, it sounds disgusting, but that's how I made it when I was a kid and didn't know that I was supposed to use a teaspoon to scoop the sugar and not a measuring cup. >.>



I suppose that's true. One day I actually need to learn to ask someone out. >.<

[Rawhide]

I don't like the taste of coffee, sorry (And I really am saddened when people like foods and I don't. I feel like I'm missing out of something good. I could just eat/drink more of it so I start liking it, but that would involve drinking coffee... )


Probably depends on the alternate suggestion. Going for coffee allows for plausible deniability, as someone said earlier, since cafés are so general. Eat, study, socialize, date, etc. Ice cream parlours aren't somewhere you'd generally think of for studying so they're more socialize/date-like. On the other hand, if you ask someone out for coffee and they suggest a library instead, they're probably not interested (or they're oblivious).

In general, though, it does seem to indicate interest. "I don't really like your suggestion but I do want to hang out with you, so I'll put effort into thinking of an alternative that we can both enjoy"

"How about we go to the library instead? It has its own cafe, as well as a console gaming lounge."

I don't like the taste of coffee or coffee imitation products either. Can't even stand the smell of it.

[Mr. Mud]

Spoiler

Show

So it had been on the rocks for a few months, and about a month ago we went our separate ways, mostly because my wallet was too thin... She's been dating a super rich aristocrat-type for a few weeks now, and I haven't lost any of the feelings we forged. I grew up with this girl, through teenage years into present day. She was a central piece in who I was and who I am, but now she's gone... How do I move on? Will I move on, or will I just learn to exist with a scar ?

/selfrant

[DeadManSleeping]

Do you have physical scars? If not, let me share something with you.

A scar is not a wound. A scar shows you had a wound, yes, but it is not a wound. It does not hurt, it does not impede function. It is merely a place where you did not heal the same skin you had before.

There is nothing bad with memories of things that hurt. Your experiences change you. Eventually your wound will close, and the impression will always show. But it's not a bad thing, no more than the scar on my lip from when I tripped at about 4 years old.

[Mr. Mud]

Do you have physical scars? If not, let me share something with you.

A scar is not a wound. A scar shows you had a wound, yes, but it is not a wound. It does not hurt, it does not impede function. It is merely a place where you did not heal the same skin you had before.

There is nothing bad with memories of things that hurt. Your experiences change you. Eventually your wound will close, and the impression will always show. But it's not a bad thing, no more than the scar on my lip from when I tripped at about 4 years old.

Thanks for your words DMS, they take the edge off quite a lot.

Also, strange: I have a scar on my lip from when I fell off a scooter (also a nasty deviated septum... my nose is very broken ) when I was young too. I digress. I know that one day (probably soon) I'm going to be okay with what transpired between her and I, but the problem is getting from tonight to that hour. Not having her in my daily routine makes everything feel so empty. I tend to latch on to people and things, and when I don't have strong emotional ties, I tend to lose my bearings. I guess this isn't so much a problem regarding my ex specifically, but a larger-scale personality issue. I feel a need to care for someone and when there's nobody but myself to look after, I feel helplessly alone.

[DeadManSleeping]

It'll suck for a while. But it's okay to let it suck for a while. Trying for a quick fix will just make things worse. Try to live your life, and look for changes coming your way. New people enter our lives all the time if we let them.

[Frozen_Feet]

Spoiler

Show

So it had been on the rocks for a few months, and about a month ago we went our separate ways, mostly because my wallet was too thin... She's been dating a super rich aristocrat-type for a few weeks now, and I haven't lost any of the feelings we forged. I grew up with this girl, through teenage years into present day. She was a central piece in who I was and who I am, but now she's gone... How do I move on? Will I move on, or will I just learn to exist with a scar ?

/selfrant

Find someone else to spend time and forge connections with. It doesn't have to be harder than that.

I had loads of friends growing up, people I knew practically from infancy and spend each day with. Most of them, I see no longer, haven't seen in years. Do I miss them? Sometimes, yes. But I also can see now why we went our separate ways, and don't go out of my way to get back in contact, because there would be no point - what used to connect us, just isn't anymore. Instead, I focus my time on looking for and spending time with new friends.

[Serpentine]

Heartbreak - assuming you'll get it/have it - is gonna suck. There's pretty much no way around it. Unless you're remarkably good at bouncing back, you're gonna be miserable for a while.
Take care of yourself. Try to eat properly. Understand when you need to be around people and when you're better off alone - and make sure you do spend time around other people, whom you enjoy being around. Throw yourself into whatever makes you happy.

[noparlpf]

My ex sent me an email yesterday afternoon. I spent the next half hour having a mild panic attack, and I still haven't read the email. Suggestions?
(Last contact of any sort was over nine months ago, and the last time we broke up was over two years ago.)

[Glass Mouse]

My ex sent me an email yesterday afternoon. I spent the next half hour having a mild panic attack, and I still haven't read the email. Suggestions?
(Last contact of any sort was over nine months ago, and the last time we broke up was over two years ago.)

Difficult to say without any context. What keeps you from wanting to read it?

[noparlpf]

Difficult to say without any context. What keeps you from wanting to read it?

Well, the fact that my initial response was a panic attack--which isn't a thing I have often--suggests it might be unhealthy to read. Also, that was a pretty messy relationship. First time she broke up with me was our anniversary, and then she kept coming back and breaking up with me again more or less every other week for the next three or four months. And that's without getting into any of the more personal details of it.

[Glass Mouse]

Well, the fact that my initial response was a panic attack--which isn't a thing I have often--suggests it might be unhealthy to read. Also, that was a pretty messy relationship. First time she broke up with me was our anniversary, and then she kept coming back and breaking up with me again more or less every other week for the next three or four months. And that's without getting into any of the more personal details of it.

Sorry, I didn't mean to pry.

It really sounds like the kind of person you should take the Nuclear Option on. There's always the possibility that she's writing to apologize or make amends, but if not, it'll probably just cause you grief.
I'm not sure what to say that you haven't already considered... but if you don't want to read it, don't read it. Your emotional health is more important, and you owe her nothing. Remember that.

[noparlpf]

Sorry, I didn't mean to pry.

It really sounds like the kind of person you should take the Nuclear Option on. There's always the possibility that she's writing to apologize or make amends, but if not, it'll probably just cause you grief.
I'm not sure what to say that you haven't already considered... but if you don't want to read it, don't read it. Your emotional health is more important, and you owe her nothing. Remember that.

No, no worries. It's just too early in the morning to go into my sob story.
"Nuclear Option"? What does that mean in this context?
Here's my thought process so far (excluding the half-hour of complete shock):
Well, it's rude to just ignore somebody. Looking at things objectively, though, she's the last person who deserves my civility. Also, today is her birthday. So I'm not sure whether I should be nice to her, or whether replying to an email with such basic social interactions as, "Hey, it's been a while. How have you been?" would upset her.
So when in doubt, ignore the problem and hope it goes away, all the while actually not ignoring it and instead actually kind of freaking out about it. That's what I've been doing so far.