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2012-03-29, 10:24 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Mar 2012
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
I think I probably just assign less stigma on the word than you. I'm just saying that if she cares for the guy but forgot something like that, she probably has trouble connecting with people on that specific social medium. If that's not the case, then I would guess that she doesn't care for the guy enough to warrant his friendship. That's just my opinion.
In any case, Marillion, even if eventually it does work out, in the meantime I would suggest you try your best to move on.
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2012-03-29, 10:24 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Jun 2010
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- Netherlands
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2012-03-29, 10:26 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Oct 2008
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- Xin-Shalast
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2012-03-29, 10:48 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Aug 2006
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- Leeds, UK
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
*shrugs* I don't so much 'forget' when people fancy me, I just don't notice it, and so will still have to pause and think for a moment when someone admits it again.
That could be how it is for Marillion's girlie."I'm just going on motive and opportunity here and the fact that if the earth got swallowed by a black hole, I'd look suspiciously in your direction first."
~ Timberwolf
"I blame Castaras. You know... In general."
~ KuReshtin
"Castaras - An absolutely adorable facade that hides a truly ruthless streak."
~ The Succubus
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2012-03-29, 11:11 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Nov 2008
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
It's probably closer to deliberately not thinking about it than having had the admission pass completely out of her head.
Net effect is the same, though. Move on. If she's like most girls, she'll start showing interest when there's another challenger for your affections.
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2012-03-29, 01:52 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Jan 2007
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
Anyone fancy taking a looksee at my OKCupid profile?
I mostly made it out of idle curiosity, though I'm quite proud that I got a response on the first message I ever sent out!Quotebox
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2012-03-29, 02:26 PM (ISO 8601)
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- May 2007
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
I actually agree with Serpentine here. I daresay she just had other things taking priority in her mind.
I don't get it. Why should it be a Big Deal(tm) if someone likes you if you're happy with your current state of relationship? Unless it pings as creepy (thus feeling kind of threatening) or something really unexpected or unless I was interested back, I daresay I'd probably not quite remember things like that either. I would think that this lady heard it, acknowledged it, didn't find it especially emotional a revelation in any way, and thus it went out of her mind. I would hazard a guess that she's not interested. But nor is she creeped out by it, nor does she find it awkward or unexpected. It kind of speaks for her preferring to stay friends than anything else, at least now.
Studies (that I honestly can't quote, I'd have to look for them again) seem to suggest that people remember things better when they had some sort of emotional reaction to it (and that's why negative things stick to one's mind like leeches!). I know I've seen evidence of that in people I interact with (someone I know will not remember having watched a show episode... unless there was something that really struck an emotional chord, for example), and in myself. So my guess is she wasn't surprised, nor was she finding it creepy or awkward, nor was she interested back. Certainly I'm not going to call her a sociopath.
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2012-03-29, 02:43 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Oct 2008
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- Xin-Shalast
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
Well, the idea is that in this case it's not so much a "someone" so much as it is someone who is ostensibly a "friend," and so would at least qualify for some amount of memory being allocated to pertinent facts about them, hair color, what they look like, that they want to bone you...
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2012-03-29, 02:50 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Aug 2006
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- Leeds, UK
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
Why is them wanting to bone you pertinent? Guessing this is a rift between schools of thought - if I like a guy, I either don't tell him because I still prefer the current relationship status I have, and just enjoy the happy feelings I get when seeing them; or I tell them, they say yes/no. And if they say no, I don't really care about them remembering - a lot of the time, I hope they put it to the back of their mind so you can move on and stay friends.
"I'm just going on motive and opportunity here and the fact that if the earth got swallowed by a black hole, I'd look suspiciously in your direction first."
~ Timberwolf
"I blame Castaras. You know... In general."
~ KuReshtin
"Castaras - An absolutely adorable facade that hides a truly ruthless streak."
~ The Succubus
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2012-03-29, 02:53 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2009
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
Yep. She said that since she doesn't want any relationship with anybody, and I haven't pressed the matter, she hasn't given it much thought and it momentarily slipped her mind. And I am inclined to believe her. It's not that she doesn't care about me as a friend, it's that she's incredibly busy right now. I'm over it now, it just stung a little bit at the time. But such is life.
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2012-03-29, 02:57 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Oct 2008
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- Xin-Shalast
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
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2012-03-29, 03:09 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Jun 2006
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- Dinosaur Museum aw yisss.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
Not really. At least, not once it's been expressed, lack of reciprocation is in the open, and friendship is resumed. At that point, I personally consider it outright positive that she's not dwelling on it.
I've been told a number of my friends want to bone me. I don't know or can't remember many of the specific individuals, and it is not pertinent to our friendship. It will remain irrelevant until either their desire is reciprocated, or it starts to cause a problem. Given that, in this case, the desire is not reciprocated, the next best thing is that it does not cause a problem - and clearly, at least for her, it does not, or it would be far less likely to slip her mind.Last edited by Serpentine; 2012-03-29 at 03:12 PM.
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2012-03-29, 03:19 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Oct 2008
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- Xin-Shalast
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2012-03-29, 03:22 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Jun 2006
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- Dinosaur Museum aw yisss.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
She did remember it in conversation. She just didn't make the connection between "made a move" and "remember how I said I fancy you?" immediately. Slightly odd, but not outside the realms of non-sociopathic or is-actually-a-good-friend possibility.
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2012-03-29, 03:29 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Nov 2008
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
Heliomance:
SpoilerYour biggest problem is a simple math-based one. Without some heavy work in making the match system work in your favor, I don't know how many people in your area are going to see genderfluidity as a big selling point. And at the same time, not accepting it seems to be a dealbreaker for you. I say stick with what you have, but understand that odds are against you.
Also, you're looking exclusively for friends. Who have to be within four years of your age, must be local, and who must be bi girls. I can't think quite the word for this sort of behavior. I'm sure someone else will have a good one.
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2012-03-29, 03:35 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Jun 2006
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- Dinosaur Museum aw yisss.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
I used "restrictive".
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2012-03-29, 03:45 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Sep 2008
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- UK
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2012-03-29, 04:31 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Jan 2007
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
I could probably add "long term relationships" to looking for, but frankly, if I can't make friends, then prospects of a long term relationship seem slim. I'm not very mobile, so local is good, I have no interest in people significantly different in age to me, and I doubt that anyone other than bi girls would be interested in me - the genderfluidity is indeed something of a big deal. I'm not expecting it to be a selling point, but I see no point in not being upfront about it. Because it's a major part of who I am, and so shouldn't be something that I go "by the way..." on.
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2012-03-29, 04:37 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Jun 2006
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- Dinosaur Museum aw yisss.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
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2012-03-29, 04:45 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Jan 2007
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
I could probably add "long term relationships" to looking for, but frankly, if I can't make friends, then prospects of a long term relationship seem slim. I'm not very mobile, so local is good, I have no interest in people significantly different in age to me, and I doubt that anyone other than bi girls would be interested in me - the genderfluidity is indeed something of a big deal. I'm not expecting it to be a selling point, but I see no point in not being upfront about it. Because it's a major part of who I am, and so shouldn't be something that I go "by the way..." on.
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2012-03-29, 05:00 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Nov 2008
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
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2012-03-29, 05:02 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Mar 2006
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- Charlottesville
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
Does anyone else have massive problems getting people to simply respond to them? Every single time I try to hang out with a girl, it takes the same pattern. We hang out a couple of times. We both seem to have a good time. She expresses interest in hanging out further. Cue hearing absolutely nothing from her and her avoiding me. I've only had one girl ever tell me why she didn't want to be around me. It's beginning to make me think that being a jerk really is the better way of interacting with women, since being a genuinely nice person doesn't seem to work.
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2012-03-29, 05:20 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Jan 2012
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
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2012-03-29, 05:40 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Jun 2009
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
The following is advice for everyone that is simply posted in response to Sholos here.
1. I don't know you, but there's always a chance that there's something you're doing that's off-putting which decidedly does not fall under the category "genuinely nice guy". In my experience, people who are nice generally describe themselves as "trying to be nice" than "being nice", so maybe you're overlooking part of your persona? Again, I really, REALLY have no idea here. It's a guess.
2. Speaking as a jerk, being a jerk does not get you women (or men). There are jerks who get women (or men), but it is not because they are jerks. It might be a behavior related to behavior which is associated with being a jerk, but it is not the being a jerk itself. Don't just attempt to be more rude and arrogant and callous because you think "women (or men) like jerks".
In any case, the way people react to you has nothing to do with the presence or absence of a uterus. It is all on you. Don't blame the "mysteries of the female species".
For what it's worth, in life, most social contacts you attempt to make will end up going nowhere, no matter the environment, attempted type of relationship (professional, friendly, romantic, whatever), or effort. It's just how people seem to be, and if I had to guess, it's been that way ever since telecommunications got big, if not before then.
Keep trying, and never be afraid to shake things up a bit.
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2012-03-29, 05:51 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Oct 2008
- Location
- Xin-Shalast
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
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2012-03-29, 05:55 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2008
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
Heliomance: Bluntly put, you don't sound like you're in a place for a relationship. You sound like you need access to local friends/a local community more than anything. You'll have much better luck finding someone through a local gender/kink based community than finding some completely random chick who thinks that genderfluidity is what gets her going.
You might be better off on a certain site that's a bit more niche-oriented. I don't feel 100% comfortable linking it here, but it's the first hit if you google "kinky social network". Even on OKC, you'll probably have the best results if you look to network first. (Looking for: Everybody, 18-99, anywhere, for friends and pen-pals.)
Sholos: Ironically, the girls are doing that precisely because they're not bitchy. They feel bad about telling you that there's nothing going on. It's just that in feeling bad, they prefer avoidance to confrontation. You really can't blame them, any more than you can blame little white lies or friends sugar-coating things for you. We're talking basic social expectations and human nature.
Oftentimes, the things "*******s" have going for them is that they're not milquetoast and predictable. Like DMS said, shake things up. If what you have isn't working, you don't have much to lose if you take a risk.
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2012-03-29, 05:58 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2006
- Location
- Dinosaur Museum aw yisss.
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
Actually, OKCupid can be very good for meeting up with people in your local area. But, again, it makes it a lot trickier to do so if you're only willing to meet bisexual girls...
Re. Sholos, does my "Brutally Honest" list need to be broken out again?The Iron Avatarist Hall of Fame!
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2012-03-29, 05:59 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Oct 2008
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- Xin-Shalast
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2012-03-29, 06:01 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Mar 2006
- Location
- Charlottesville
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
Believe me, I've asked everyone I know what's wrong with me and what might be driving girls away. Not a single one of them can come up with anything. In fact, when I asked a few people if they thought I'd be worth dating and why, one of the specific things they mentioned was how kind I am. And since none of the girls who up and vanish on me are courteous enough to even tell me that's what they're doing, I don't really have any way of figuring it out.
2. Speaking as a jerk, being a jerk does not get you women (or men). There are jerks who get women (or men), but it is not because they are jerks. It might be a behavior related to behavior which is associated with being a jerk, but it is not the being a jerk itself. Don't just attempt to be more rude and arrogant and callous because you think "women (or men) like jerks".
In any case, the way people react to you has nothing to do with the presence or absence of a uterus. It is all on you. Don't blame the "mysteries of the female species".
For what it's worth, in life, most social contacts you attempt to make will end up going nowhere, no matter the environment, attempted type of relationship (professional, friendly, romantic, whatever), or effort. It's just how people seem to be, and if I had to guess, it's been that way ever since telecommunications got big, if not before then.
Keep trying, and never be afraid to shake things up a bit.
I've read it several times before, but I guess another read-through can't hurt.
Would you mind personally looking at my OKC profile and telling me if there's anything that specifically sticks out as horrifying? The picture of me in a Reese's shirt is about what I look like now, for reference.
So am I just weird in wanting to clearly know when something's not going anywhere? I'd be lambasted if I just suddenly stopped talking with a potential romantic partner. Hell, I thought that's one of those things that tends to bug girls is guys not communicating enough. Double standard much?Last edited by Sholos; 2012-03-29 at 06:15 PM.
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2012-03-29, 06:15 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Sep 2009
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- Scotland/Glasgow
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
So, the other day I ended up kissing a rather attractive friend of mine. Today I was in the pub with a few girls I know, and every single one of them turned their head as I walked past. That's never happened before.
I never really realised it, but now I really see the advantage of self-confidence. It's powerful stuff.
Of course! That lists is amazing, there doesn't need to be a reason for it.