Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping

[Reluctance]

Because, really, if he does this kind of stupid, abusive stuff while drunk.... And then chooses to get drunk anyway while there are female guests in the house, well, he's choosing to do it well in advance. Being drunk ain't beans for an excuse.

This. I'd be inclined to be lenient if his first sober words after that were profuse apologies. And his first sober act after that was emptying all his booze down the drain.

If he doesn't take any steps to avoid similar situations, and in fact repeats himself the next night, that's not being sorry. Or at least, it's not respecting you enough to care how it makes you feel. At which point, you should show as much regard for his well-being as he does for yours.

[Morph Bark]

May you have better luck than I. The only girl to contact me so far has completely disappeared after a good two months of talking back and forth.

When on the internet, I tend to expect such things.

What I don't expect is someone else apparently pranking me and signing me up for a dating site and then me getting an e-mail every other week about someone apparently interested. ._.

[Serpentine]

Those are all arguments that have come up in my own head and/or in discussion with my cousin. I'm still pondering.

[Moonshadow]

I have made contact with a female over OKCupid. Or, rather, she has made contact with me. Wish me luck, everyone.

May you have better luck than I. The only girl to contact me so far has completely disappeared after a good two months of talking back and forth.

I'll give you both the same advice. Make your intentions clear. Ask for a date sooner, rather than later. If you get a good, steady stream of conversation flowing, then I'd ask to meet generally after a week or so.

If you're getting 1 message every 3 days, they probably aren't interested, and I'd move on.

[Starwulf]

It's a bit beyond creepy... But I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that it was just dumb drunken stupidity and/or cultural miscommunication. I would certainly not blame someone else for taking "official" action by now. I just... I dunno. I don't want to get him into trouble for being a moron (yet), y'know? I don't know why I'm not more angry. I probably would be if he'd done it to someone else. It's weird.
Once is ignorance and/or booze, twice is idiotic, thrice is malicious and gets a fist to the face and telling his uncle, which will likely be worse.

I'll echo Coidzor here and say that I would give a bit more thought in to whether or not you should be reporting this(ie: you really should). In the meantime, I truly hope nothing bad happens on the third night. I would give some serious consideration towards sleeping with a weapon and/or doors locked(if that's an option, I have no idea the customs of sleeping in another country). His behavior is so far beyond creepy and even remotely "ok"...it's actually quite scary.

[CoffeeIncluded]

Holy crap Serpentine. That goes far, far beyond acceptable behavior. Sleep with a baseball bat.

[Serpentine]

The main reason, at this point, I'd tell his uncle is out of concern for whether he might do something - more forceful - to someone else. I'm quite certain this is the first time he's done it, at least in this particular situation, and he hasn't even been around today (normally he's pretty much a constant presence, along with several other unmarried, unemployed family members and friends-of-family). His uncle noticed him acting strangely, too. And I think I gave him a jolly good scare...
I may tell my other cousin, so she can keep an eye on him. Still deciding.

[H Birchgrove]

Serpentine, tell his uncle and your cousin ASAP. Don't let him get inside your house/room, at least unless he's sober and you have company. If he tries anything like that on your person again, use whatever means necessarily to defend yourself.

I have made contact with a female over OKCupid. Or, rather, she has made contact with me. Wish me luck, everyone.

Good luck!

[Reluctance]

Coffee: Have you said anything to your boy yet? If not, rip the bandage off and tell him. Call him today and report back. Because if you don't, if you let your feet drag incessantly, eventually someone else will have the ladyballs. And I don't want to hear yet the inevitable "what could I have done differently?" posts when everybody has been telling you for a while.

Serp: At least tell your cousin. It's easy to think "this is the first time this has ever happened", which lets the person reoffend with someone new. At the very least, try to make sure that if this does happen again with someone else, she can have a way to find out that this isn't an "only this once" sort of thing. And can gauge her response accordingly.

It does make me sad for him. I've seen the "I can't find anybody" turn in on itself and sour the person from the inside out far too many times. A pity that the "practical advice" community is obviousness and empty homilies on the one side, and shilling misandry/misogyny on the other. "Actually change things and break out of your rut" is thin on the ground.

[CoffeeIncluded]

Coffee: Have you said anything to your boy yet? If not, rip the bandage off and tell him. Call him today and report back. Because if you don't, if you let your feet drag incessantly, eventually someone else will have the ladyballs. And I don't want to hear yet the inevitable "what could I have done differently?" posts when everybody has been telling you for a while.

I'm meeting him tomorrow, so I'll tell him tomorrow or Saturday evening (I'm spending a couple nights in his dorm room). Wish me luck!

[Asta Kask]

Here's for luck!

[John Cribati]

All of the luck. All of it.

If it works out, you should make the Playground your first child's unofficial godparents. Yes, the entire playground at once.

[Coidzor]

I'm meeting him tomorrow, so I'll tell him tomorrow or Saturday evening (I'm spending a couple nights in his dorm room). Wish me luck!

Brown Chicken, Brown Cow!

[H Birchgrove]

Here's for luck!

Don't do that in Thailand...

(Kudos to George Takei. )

[DeadManSleeping]

(I'm spending a couple nights in his dorm room)

...

[Astrella]

I'm meeting him tomorrow, so I'll tell him tomorrow or Saturday evening (I'm spending a couple nights in his dorm room). Wish me luck!

Good luck!

[Coidzor]

...

Like the new avatar. Also, thanks for pointing that out, my comment is even more pertinent than I had imagined.

[DeadManSleeping]

Like the new avatar.

You're the first. People seem to not care to google.

[fizzybobnewt]

http://xkcd.com/403/

I thought this was going to be the one where nerds try to logically figure out how people work.


Anyway, that girl I asked out (talked about it earlier, let's call her "Bellatrix"), what she specifically said was "I don't like you in that way", and it did not, in fact, mean "let's just be friends". It was more like "let's just be enemies".
This I deduce, because since then she has tried her darndest not to even look in my direction, and the time we were forced to interact, the one thing she said was "spare me." This is a far cry from the past, when my day included an inordinately high percentage of her laughing at my jokes (I may have been a bit fixated on her at the time).
I would talk to her about this dramatic change, but the only time I see her, we are surrounded my our friends (mostly hers), and anyway, she's ignoring me.
I don't know about her, but it's making it awkward for me sometimes. What do I do?

[Reluctance]

Fizzy: If you have a basement, there's always stockholm syndrome.

More seriously, you gave it away at fixated. It sounds like you were more than a little much, skeeved her, and now she's hoping that if she ignores you that you'll go away. It's immature, but it's not like there's any good way to tell you that you've crossed the total creepazoid line. There's really nothing you can do, other than hold yourself back the next time you develop a crush.

Coffee: If everything you say is true, you don't need luck. You need encouragement. Or failing that, fear. So if you come back without good news, I'm telling all these puppies that Santa Claus isn't real. If your nerve falters for any reason, think about all those heartbroken faces. And realize it'll all be on your head.

[Heliomance]

Coffee: If everything you say is true, you don't need luck. You need encouragement. Or failing that, fear. So if you come back without good news, I'm telling all these puppies that Santa Claus isn't real. If your nerve falters for any reason, think about all those heartbroken faces. And realize it'll all be on your head.

Heliomance likes this post.

[Morph Bark]

Heliomance likes this post.

Morph Bark likes this post. And is also a total copycat.

But yes. Coffee, you can do it. Just think of yourself as the strongest brewn espresso out there , the tastiest cappuccino, the creamiest latté and go for it.

Believe in us who believe in you.

[Form]

I think I might be developing another bit of a crush. It feels rather nice so far. ^^

I should ask her out some time. I don't know if she's single, but asking her out will probably resolve that. Or maybe I could ask a buddy of mine if he knows about that. Ah well, I'll see.

Anyway, for now I'll just enjoy the feeling.

[Asta Kask]

...

*withholds tasteless comment*

[Morph Bark]

Anyway, for now I'll just enjoy the feeling.

Which is the best idea, prolly, though don't build it up to high heaven, because if you fall then, you fall hard, and not in the good way.

[Form]

Which is the best idea, prolly, though don't build it up to high heaven, because if you fall then, you fall hard, and not in the good way.

Yeah, I know. As long as I take a relaxed attitude it probably won't feel that bad if nothing comes from this.

[Coidzor]

Which is the best idea, prolly, though don't build it up to high heaven, because if you fall then, you fall hard, and not in the good way.

Och, aye. Do not be like Charlie Brown from that one SMBC strip. And iron, hot, striking.

[Morph Bark]

Also, always beware if the person is in a relationship and still responds positively to your advances after you've stated your feelings. Three semesters ago I became close friends with a girl in my Psych classes and one week all of a sudden I started getting all shaky and nervous around her and realized I was in love with her. I told her so and said "I know you have a boyfriend, so I wanted to explain and apologize for my strange behaviour and I'll manage to deal with this on my own". She replied that I shouldn't, because the feelings were mutual. Long story short: it did not end well. Granted, her relationship with her boyfriend was rather bad, but that doesn't matter if it ends with you not getting any further either.

Not talking to you in particular, Form. It's just that you reminded me of that situation I had and how it started.

[Popertop]

Its strange to keep seeing my younger friends, who graduated two or three years after me, getting married.

Especially since I have yet to have a lasting relationship, or feel emotionally attached to anyone for more then seven or eight months and I start to think that something is seriously wrong with me.

QFT, this is how I've been feeling recently as well.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever end up happy in a lasting relationship.

[CoffeeIncluded]

So I told him and...no. He doesn't feel that way about me. I've been friendzoned.

It's okay though. Well, of course I'm heartbroken but things will be okay. We're still best friends, we talked it out and we're going to destress over hot chocolate. So I'll be fine.