Things I May No Longer Do While Playing III: I May Not Iron Heart Surge Rule Zero

**Doorhandle** · 2012-02-17, 05:12 AM (ISO 8601)

Originally Posted by Sith_Happens

* I may not allow this thread to drop off the first page.

* Flamethrowers are weapons, not cooking supplies.

*This also applies to katanas, ankle grinders, chainsaws, explosives, and small bears.
*Cannot play Saxton HAAAAAAAAAAAALE!
*Or Saxton whale.
*And especially not Hatston Sale, even if it approximates valve's interests.
* A wand of magic missile is not a missile launcher.
*A wand of delayed blast fireball is not a Stickybomb launcher.
*Cannot use staff mastery to dual-wield staves as a staff magus.
* The hammer is not my paladin’s peinis.

Meanwhile, in mouseguard:
*If I am making a sailor mouse, hook, eyepatch and all, must actually have skills relevant to sailing.
*Cannot lash together the bodies of fallen crewmembers to make a raft, boatcrafting or no.
*If the G.M retroactively gives a character the ‘paranoid’ trait and the instinct ‘suspect EVERYONE,’ that is an indicator for the player to tone it down.
*No longer allowed to talk if I have to go over my speech 3 times in order not so say too much.
*If I am borrowing a ship, I am expected to bring it back in one piece, particularly if the captain owning it was a drinking buddy.
*Not to tell a predator of our species if we can avoid it.
* If we are like 5 seconds from being torn apart by zealous ferrets, not to let the injured party member squeak in pain.
*If we haven’t been seen by the ferret isles for 1000 years, this dose not make us mythical figures, it makes us mythical lunch.

**Lonely Tylenol** · 2012-02-17, 06:37 AM (ISO 8601)

* I may not equip six weapons in two hands if their names are "shortsword", "shortsword", "bo bortsword", "bananafana fo fortsword", "me mi mo mortsword", "shortsword".

**Sith_Happens** · 2012-02-17, 07:28 AM (ISO 8601)

Originally Posted by Doorhandle

*This also applies to katanas, ankle grinders, chainsaws, explosives, and small bears.
*Cannot play Saxton HAAAAAAAAAAAALE!
*Or Saxton whale.
*And especially not Hatston Sale, even if it approximates valve's interests.

* Even if Saxton Hale does fight with his bare hands, and in a loincloth, a Vow of Poverty Monk is a poor representation of his abilities.
* I may not introduce my character to the party by randomly bursting through a wall and yelling "Property damage!"
** If the party has been through enough weird stuff that they find this not-startling by comparison, I may not take offense.
* The Druid is not a hippie.
* I may not take Perform (One-liner) as an excuse to spout off poorly-adapted Saxtone Hale quotes at every opportunity.
* The party Sorceress is inexplicably immune to my manly charms.
* Even if it's what Saxton Hale would do, I may not confront every situation by recklessly charging head-on.
** Especially if that's what Saxton Hale would do.
* Even if Saxton Hale would never, ever back away from a fight, I may still run from the stone giant barbarian who would have TPKed the party during his first appearance had he not been dealing nonlethal damage.
** If I choose not to run, I am not to complain when the rest of the party still does.
** I definitely may not then expect my character to survive the fight.

...In case you're wondering, a guy I know did in fact play Saxton Hale for his first ever D&D character. All of the above things actually happened.

**TuggyNE** · 2012-02-17, 07:37 AM (ISO 8601)

Originally Posted by Lonely Tylenol

* I may not equip six weapons in two hands if their names are "shortsword", "shortsword", "bo bortsword", "bananafana fo fortsword", "me mi mo mortsword", "shortsword".

WUT.

I... I don't even.

**Maquise** · 2012-02-17, 01:10 PM (ISO 8601)

*The Chief Librarian of my DIY Space Marine chapter is not named Crepusculum Mico.

(Lets see how long it takes someone to get that)

**Beowulf DW** · 2012-02-17, 01:22 PM (ISO 8601)

*I may not abuse the Craft skill to make a pressure washer.
*I may not then get the Cleric to Bless the water in said pressure washer.
*Under no circumstances am I to use this now holy pressure washer to approximate a holy water "flamethrower" to clear out the vampire lair.

**Metahuman1** · 2012-02-17, 01:39 PM (ISO 8601)

*I may not have the Cleric cast plane shift, moving the entire encounter to the elemental plane of water, only to cast bless water.

*Even if the things were fighting aren't hurt by holy water.

**Arbane** · 2012-02-17, 02:16 PM (ISO 8601)

Originally Posted by Arbane

* Even if the Summoner is both female and Small sized, she can't make her Eidolon a My Little Pony.
** ESPECIALLY not Pinkie Pie.

*** Pinkie Piedolon is not allowed to have the Swallow Whole mutation.
**** If Pinkie Piedolon does have Swallow Whole, she is not retroactively the reason goblins are deathly afraid of horses.

**Lea Plath** · 2012-02-17, 03:08 PM (ISO 8601)

*If we find an NPC, we are not allowed to stick them in a papoose and take them with us.
*We are not allowed to use wolves as drug dealers
*Or give them pimp hats

**Blackdrop** · 2012-02-17, 09:59 PM (ISO 8601)

*It's considered to be in extremely bad taste to hide in the recently constructed funeral pyre during an ambush just because the ambient fire damage can't overcome my fire resistance.

**NikitaDarkstar** · 2012-02-17, 10:34 PM (ISO 8601)

*I am not allowed to watch MacGyver right before or during character creation
*Especially not if my character has any craft skills.
*Craft (Any) is not a valid craft skill.
*This goes double if I plan on taking any class in any game that has a knowledge or technological orientation.

*Same goes for Doctor Who
*And Doc from back to the future
*Double for any engineer from any star trek show ever, triple for Scotty.

*You know what? If it has craft as a class skill I can't have it.
*I'm still on probation when it comes to classes with knowledge skills on their class skill list.

**The-Mage-King** · 2012-02-18, 01:32 AM (ISO 8601)

*I may NOT play a dwarven artificer who's motto is "Enchantment?"

**Ksheep** · 2012-02-18, 01:43 AM (ISO 8601)

*May not diffuse a tense situation between the party and a tribe of lizardfolk with a 30 diplo roll.
**Especially at 2nd level.
***Even if all you did was make it so you wouldn't have to give them your prisoners of an enemy tribe of lizardfolk.

*Shouldn't be surprised when the town guard whom you turn the hostile lizardfolk over to decide to burn them alive.
**Shouldn't be surprised later when said guards attack the friendly lizardfolk tribe just because you were rather vague when saying "don't attack our friends", ie. not telling the guards that said lizardfolk are the friends in question.

**Chilingsworth** · 2012-02-18, 02:09 AM (ISO 8601)

* I may not act on my urges to kill the idiotic NPC's that killed my character's friends/allies.

**Mystify** · 2012-02-18, 02:47 AM (ISO 8601)

* May not play an awakened zombie incarnate construct warforged ninja with the dread pirate prestige class
* said character is not a ninja pirate robot zombie

**Doorhandle** · 2012-02-18, 02:56 AM (ISO 8601)

*While Legend is one of the few systems that could possibly run it, not to make a campaign based on "How To Kill A Mockingbird."
*In the same vein, lightsaber gun-swords only exist in that flash movie.
* Not to make a Gestalt ninja/druid.
*Cannot literally make a character a murderhobo.

**Lea Plath** · 2012-02-18, 03:37 AM (ISO 8601)

*When looking to blow something up, I should not ask the GM will it burn aswell.

**BlackestOfMages** · 2012-02-18, 09:20 AM (ISO 8601)

Originally Posted by Doorhandle

*Cannot literally make a character a murderhobo.

Homocidal Transients, my freind. The name should say it all

* May not wield bags of holding as a melee weapon
* Nor as a thrown weapon
*The portable Hole Discus does not work
* I am only allowed extradimesnional space to store inanimate objects
* Turned of goldems do not count, nor do yet to be animated corpses

* Bags of holding are not red and white plastic balls
* If, in any way, I do encapture an enemy in a bag of holding, letting them out will not make them loyal to me and fight for me
* Even with magic
* My sorceror is not now, nor will he ever be, a pokemon master

* Duct tape cannot be used to make new monsters on the fly in the middle of combat
* No matter how hard I try

**ClothedInVelvet** · 2012-02-18, 09:38 AM (ISO 8601)

* I cannot force the Druid's animal companion to walk ahead of the party to set off traps.

* Nor NPCs

* Kidnapping children from the market for the purpose is right out.

**boomwolf** · 2012-02-18, 12:05 PM (ISO 8601)

*A favored soul of the goddess of nature should not be investing in gnome technology so they would make this a grenade launcher.

*said grenade launcher shooting "only" alchemical flasks does not improve the situation.

*lunching alchemist fire at animals that -might- have been hostile in the forest is enough to make the goddess take away my magic.

**Lonely Tylenol** · 2012-02-18, 03:11 PM (ISO 8601)

Originally Posted by tuggyne

WUT.

I... I don't even.

Context!

* I may not use "talking is a free action" to justify having elaborate, minutes-long negotiations with the enemy NPC during my round in the initiative without losing my move or standard.

**Arbane** · 2012-02-18, 07:21 PM (ISO 8601)

Originally Posted by BlackestOfMages

* My sorceror is not now, nor will he ever be, a pokemon master

Of course not! That's the Summoner's job.

Originally Posted by ClothedInVelvet

* I cannot force the Druid's animal companion to walk ahead of the party to set off traps.

* Nor NPCs

* Kidnapping children from the market for the purpose is right out.

Well, duh. That's why mules only cost 8 GP!

**NikitaDarkstar** · 2012-02-19, 12:18 AM (ISO 8601)

Originally Posted by BlackestOfMages

* Duct tape cannot be used to make new monsters on the fly in the middle of combat
* No matter how hard I try

Obviously you need a paperclip and possibly a chewing gum to make that possible. For Large and above you may want to substitute "paperclip" with "coat hanger"

*And there goes my necromancer rights too.

**ClothedInVelvet** · 2012-02-19, 05:08 AM (ISO 8601)

*No matter how powerful my archivist or factotum is, I may not build a sonic screwdriver and refer to myself as "the Doctor."

**Randomguy** · 2012-02-19, 07:09 PM (ISO 8601)

Originally Posted by ClothedInVelvet

*No matter how powerful my archivist or factotum is, I may not build a sonic screwdriver and refer to myself as "the Doctor."

**Even if I have ranks in profession (Doctor).

**jindra34** · 2012-02-19, 08:53 PM (ISO 8601)

Originally Posted by Randomguy

**Even if I have ranks in profession (Doctor).

Well duh. He has profession (The Doctor) and (Being Mysterious).

**Beowulf DW** · 2012-02-19, 10:31 PM (ISO 8601)

*never again may I make a dual-wielding scimitar+kukri-using fighter
*If I am scoring critical hits about once every two rounds, the DM is going to be very cross with me.
*If I am able to use critical feats to make the BBEG blind, deaf and dumb all in the same round, the DM will go into that corner and cry until we get him a pizza.

**Doorhandle** · 2012-02-20, 02:17 AM (ISO 8601)

Originally Posted by Beowulf DW

*never again may I make a dual-wielding scimitar+kukri-using fighter
*If I am scoring critical hits about once every two rounds, the DM is going to be very cross with me.
*If I am able to use critical feats to make the BBEG blind, deaf and dumb all in the same round, the DM will go into that corner and cry until we get him a pizza.

*If all our foes from now on have elemental body, ARE elementals or oozes, or are otherwise immume to crits, I can blame no-one but myself.

**blackjack217** · 2012-02-20, 08:08 PM (ISO 8601)

*If I get fragged by the groups rogue I still have no one else to blame

**Morithias** · 2012-02-21, 01:22 AM (ISO 8601)

"If I am the only character who took profession (cooking) as a class skill, I am not allowed to slip potions of gender bending into the party's food."

"I am going to turn them back to men, even if I think they look better as women."

"If another PC is going to get romantically involved with my female PC at anytime I am to warn them in advance if she has been "experimenting" on her own body."

"I am not allowed to play D&D for at least 1 week after downloading a new X-change game."

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