Page 11 of 51 FirstFirst ... 2345678910111213141516171819202136 ... LastLast
Results 301 to 330 of 1504
  1. - Top - End - #301
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Sholos's Avatar

    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Charlottesville
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    Quote Originally Posted by Reluctance View Post
    She was implicitly asking you to step up and be a man. Regularly caving when she wanted to spend important money on a stupid video game is not how you show you're the take-charge type that women actually want. Letting her continue to be sloppy about important household responsibilities without repercussion is being a doormat. The best you could have hoped for was to be someone she tolerated for regular infusions of cash.

    Remember for later. Stand your ground. Be a man.
    Is "being a woman" being stupid about finances and causing trouble? Is that why "being a man" is making sure "your woman" doesn't screw stuff up? I think this is really bad advice and anyone would be much better served by finding a mature woman who actually knows what she's doing. At the very least, it's not fair to say that it's the man's responsibility to make sure everything is running smoothly.
    Tali avatar by the talented Thormag.

    Save the catgirls!

  2. - Top - End - #302
    Titan in the Playground
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    Quote Originally Posted by Sholos View Post
    Is "being a woman" being stupid about finances and causing trouble? Is that why "being a man" is making sure "your woman" doesn't screw stuff up? I think this is really bad advice and anyone would be much better served by finding a mature woman who actually knows what she's doing. At the very least, it's not fair to say that it's the man's responsibility to make sure everything is running smoothly.
    That isn't what Reluctance is trying to say. He is, if I read it right, attempting to say that by yielding ground over and over, it appears that he is also yielding masculinity. The exact topic is money here, but it could be anything and still be relevant.

    I think that a better, if meaner, way to say what Reluctance is saying is "grow a spine and stand up for your position more". That's the meaning I'm seeing here, and honestly, it sounds like solid advice to anyone having these styles of relationship issues. Don't always back down or just say "oh, ok". Sometimes, you need to stand your ground and MAKE things happen. No shame in that.

  3. - Top - End - #303
    Troll in the Playground
     
    Erloas's Avatar

    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    Quote Originally Posted by arguskos View Post
    I think that a better, if meaner, way to say what Reluctance is saying is "grow a spine and stand up for your position more". That's the meaning I'm seeing here, and honestly, it sounds like solid advice to anyone having these styles of relationship issues. Don't always back down or just say "oh, ok". Sometimes, you need to stand your ground and MAKE things happen.
    I honestly don't see that changing the situation at all though. Because I don't see that as being the problem, and to me just sounds like another fight waiting to happen and keep re-occurring. And to some extent it just shows an incomparability between the two people involved.

    I know my friend went through a fair amount of this with her ex (or soon to be at least) because he wasn't very responsible with money. And her doing this for upwards of 8 years never "fixed" the problem even though she was standing up for her self and position. Money issues too are also different from many other problems just because there is so much more variability there.

    My brother also had some of these with his GF and for every one time "standing up for his position" got something done there were 10 times where it just caused another fight and never changed anything

    And not in a relationship way I've actually got the same problem with the same brother and his new GF that are living in my house and me trying to get them to help clean or do anything around the house. The fact is that they simply *aren't* going to change so my choice is either deal with it or kick them out and of course there are a lot of issues with that. Be being more stern about it isn't going to change anything.

    The simple fact is that unless someone is just craving someone to come discipline them and tell them what to do then you doing that isn't going to help anything. While some people will come around many people get resentful and push hard against anyone telling them they can't do what they want.

  4. - Top - End - #304

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    What Arguskos said. Let's leave romance out of this for a moment. If you keep backing down over everything, people will stop respecting you. You can't have a healthy relationship of any sort if there's no respect there.

    (The same works if you refuse to compromise on anything, but that's not Zom_B's issue. That's just a reminder that overcompensate brings its own set of problems.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Serpentine View Post
    You seem kinda bizarrely fixated on this bit Seriously, his appearance is fine. His fashion of choice suits him.
    You've been asked to critique the same profiles around here that I have. Is it really surprising that I want to remind guys that looks/presentations issues affect them as well?

  5. - Top - End - #305
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    RedWizardGuy

    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    Hey, I was hoping you guys could help me with a problem, or at least let me vent.

    I've been seeing a guy (we're a gay couple) for about 9 months now and things seemed to be going quite well. About a month ago, I got this anonymous e-mail on a public account of mine saying that he was fooling around with someone else, and gave me the other guy's name and number. This happened to happen while I was with the b/f for the weekend, so I proceed to call this other guy and ask if he knows anything, as well as ask my b/f. The story I get from both of them was identical, and that they'd known each other a while back and were trying to rekindle their friendship, as well as the other guy being in a long-term commitment with someone else.

    This much seems fine, but here comes the sketchiness: while I'm asking the b/f about this, he hurriedly deletes all of his text messages from other guy's number (a behavior very unlike him), and I'm blunt to him that it made it look sketchy. I maybe shouldn't have done the next part, but while he was in the shower the next morning, I checked his texts from the night and there are messages from the other guy talking about how he thought I was making the whole thing up as a cover because I'd just seen b/f's texts a few weeks earlier. Okay, that's a big red flag. Morally gray thing I maybe shouldn't have done #2: because his messages were so recently deleted, I was able to restore a lot of them and there were some between the two talking about "massaging big muscles" and lots of flirting, though no proof of actually meeting/doing anything. There was also a plot to lie to the other guy's b/f about how they met to make it seem less sketchy. I wasn't able to see a time stamp on them or anything (because I forgot to look), but apparently they're relatively recent.

    So, in short...I know I'm being lied to, but I don't really know the extent and I'm having a hard time with it.

  6. - Top - End - #306
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    SamuraiGuy

    Join Date
    Sep 2011

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    Quote Originally Posted by sparkyinbozo View Post
    Hey, I was hoping you guys could help me with a problem, or at least let me vent.

    I've been seeing a guy (we're a gay couple) for about 9 months now and things seemed to be going quite well. About a month ago, I got this anonymous e-mail on a public account of mine saying that he was fooling around with someone else, and gave me the other guy's name and number. This happened to happen while I was with the b/f for the weekend, so I proceed to call this other guy and ask if he knows anything, as well as ask my b/f. The story I get from both of them was identical, and that they'd known each other a while back and were trying to rekindle their friendship, as well as the other guy being in a long-term commitment with someone else.

    This much seems fine, but here comes the sketchiness: while I'm asking the b/f about this, he hurriedly deletes all of his text messages from other guy's number (a behavior very unlike him), and I'm blunt to him that it made it look sketchy. I maybe shouldn't have done the next part, but while he was in the shower the next morning, I checked his texts from the night and there are messages from the other guy talking about how he thought I was making the whole thing up as a cover because I'd just seen b/f's texts a few weeks earlier. Okay, that's a big red flag. Morally gray thing I maybe shouldn't have done #2: because his messages were so recently deleted, I was able to restore a lot of them and there were some between the two talking about "massaging big muscles" and lots of flirting, though no proof of actually meeting/doing anything. There was also a plot to lie to the other guy's b/f about how they met to make it seem less sketchy. I wasn't able to see a time stamp on them or anything (because I forgot to look), but apparently they're relatively recent.

    So, in short...I know I'm being lied to, but I don't really know the extent and I'm having a hard time with it.
    Give him one chance to come clean by talking to him about it.
    Also, yeah, not good that you snooped, that really speaks to Trust Issues that might already exist. I don't blame you, I found out my ex was cheating on me when I got on what I thought was my facebook, clicked msgs saw part of something that was obviously a flirtatious msg and opened it to read it. But you did deliberately violate their trust by looking at something you shouldn't have.

  7. - Top - End - #307
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    noparlpf's Avatar

    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    Guys, why do people decide to break up or to not start a relationship just because it's near the end of a semester?
    Jude P.

    Playing Pokémon X
    3DS friend code: 0705-3326-2027
    4- or 5-IV Pokémon available for trade listed on my Giant League Wiki page.

  8. - Top - End - #308
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    blackfox's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2005

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    Quote Originally Posted by noparlpf View Post
    Guys, why do people decide to break up or to not start a relationship just because it's near the end of a semester?
    For breakups, it gives you time away from the person to chill out and not have things be all awkward.

    For not starting up, it's because it's all of a sudden long-distance in a new relationship, which is often a terrible idea.
    The Feud continues!
    Spoiler
    Show
    Quote Originally Posted by Gorbash Kazdar View Post
    - Feud, the: The 'secret' plot to do something to BlackFox for some reason no one seems to really recall. Accusations of a government cover-up concerning the Feud remain unsubstantiated.
    Quote Originally Posted by Hoseki View Post
    Hoseki looks between Blackfox and El Jaspero. "...I think the Elemental Plane of Fire has frozen over."

  9. - Top - End - #309
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    Heliomance's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    ...

    Before I met G, there was a girl that occasionally showed up to GameSoc, R. I was somewhat interested in her, but nothing ever happened between us, due in no small part to the fact that she appears less than once a month. She was in fact the girl that motivated my question a couple of months back about how to find out if someone is single.

    She was there again today, first time I've seen her since I started going out with G, and unless I'm even more hopeless at reading social situations than I thought, she was making it very obvious that she's interested in me. Nothing was said to confirm this, but it was quite clear.

    How do I let her know that I'm not available, preferably without overtly going "by the way, I'm not available" and causing horrible embarrassment, with the potential for even more if it turns out I have misread the situation?
    Quotebox
    Spoiler
    Show
    Quote Originally Posted by hotel_papa View Post
    I maintain that until I see a movie trailer where Patrick Stewart introduces himself as Mordenkainen, there never was and never will be a D&D movie.
    Quote Originally Posted by dixieboy View Post
    I am unable to respond due to the awesomness of seducing a god, sorry
    Quote Originally Posted by Kalirren View Post
    The only person in the past two pages who has known what (s)he has been talking about is Heliomance.

    Avatar by aravaincomprehensiblename

  10. - Top - End - #310
    Orc in the Playground
     
    fergo's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Newcastle upon Tyne
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    Get engaged and wear a ring

    I seriously wouldn't worry about it. If she's just an occasional acquaintance, there's no way to let her know without it being really awkward, and there's no real reason to bother in any case, since if you don't see each other very often then nothing can happen unless she really throws herself at you.

    If she starts hinting that you should meet up some time, you know, maybe on a date, or whatever... then just mention, "Oh, you should try this with me and my girlfriend some time," or, "I went there with my girlfriend a while back, it was nice..."

    Kinda cowardly, but as far as I can tell the least awkward way of doing things

    Awesome Flashman avatar and Flashman Escaping sig by Elder Tsofu . My eternal thanks.

  11. - Top - End - #311
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    noparlpf's Avatar

    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    Quote Originally Posted by blackfox View Post
    For breakups, it gives you time away from the person to chill out and not have things be all awkward.

    For not starting up, it's because it's all of a sudden long-distance in a new relationship, which is often a terrible idea.
    I sort of get the latter, although it really stinks that having to be apart is a thing in our society because it's not as simple as just building a house, having a baby, and hunting/farming.
    For the former, that makes sense to a degree...but the couple I'm thinking of is doing great. Is it really a good idea to break up preemptively just because a long-distance relationship over the summer might be too hard?
    Jude P.

    Playing Pokémon X
    3DS friend code: 0705-3326-2027
    4- or 5-IV Pokémon available for trade listed on my Giant League Wiki page.

  12. - Top - End - #312
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    blackfox's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2005

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    Quote Originally Posted by noparlpf View Post
    I sort of get the latter, although it really stinks that having to be apart is a thing in our society because it's not as simple as just building a house, having a baby, and hunting/farming.
    For the former, that makes sense to a degree...but the couple I'm thinking of is doing great. Is it really a good idea to break up preemptively just because a long-distance relationship over the summer might be too hard?
    I'd say that generally it's a good idea to give it a try, and then if it's too stressful, call it off for the summer, and then maybe start things back up in the fall. The dumpee in this situation must be pissed as hell

    @Heliomance: Passive-Aggressive Option is be obnoxious with G around R. This will probably go over like a lead balloon. Patient Option is wait until she actually says anything indicating interest to you and then tell her. Sneaky Option is have a mutual friend talk to her for you. Probably the Derpiest Option is to straight-out tell her without having a direct statement from her that she's interested, and it'll kind of look... cannot remember word. Cocky, I guess? I try to go for Patient Option when dealing with unwanted attention, with whining to friends behind their back.
    The Feud continues!
    Spoiler
    Show
    Quote Originally Posted by Gorbash Kazdar View Post
    - Feud, the: The 'secret' plot to do something to BlackFox for some reason no one seems to really recall. Accusations of a government cover-up concerning the Feud remain unsubstantiated.
    Quote Originally Posted by Hoseki View Post
    Hoseki looks between Blackfox and El Jaspero. "...I think the Elemental Plane of Fire has frozen over."

  13. - Top - End - #313
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    noparlpf's Avatar

    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    Not even. They just decided, together, that they'd rather just break up now (yesterday) than try long-distance over the summer. I'm trying to understand humans and I'm not good at it.
    Jude P.

    Playing Pokémon X
    3DS friend code: 0705-3326-2027
    4- or 5-IV Pokémon available for trade listed on my Giant League Wiki page.

  14. - Top - End - #314
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    blackfox's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2005

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    Quote Originally Posted by noparlpf View Post
    Not even. They just decided, together, that they'd rather just break up now (yesterday) than try long-distance over the summer. I'm trying to understand humans and I'm not good at it.
    Hrm. Without knowing them it's hard to say, but I guess maybe they were both too leery of long-distance to even consider giving it a go? Dunno, man.
    The Feud continues!
    Spoiler
    Show
    Quote Originally Posted by Gorbash Kazdar View Post
    - Feud, the: The 'secret' plot to do something to BlackFox for some reason no one seems to really recall. Accusations of a government cover-up concerning the Feud remain unsubstantiated.
    Quote Originally Posted by Hoseki View Post
    Hoseki looks between Blackfox and El Jaspero. "...I think the Elemental Plane of Fire has frozen over."

  15. - Top - End - #315

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    Nop: The distance is a convenient excuse. Sometimes couples want to experiment/get a breath of fresh air. "Taking a break" is a widely accepted, relatively clear way of allowing both to have outside encounters in a don't ask, don't tell environment.

    Helio: The most fun option involves asking R if she wants to take part in a three-way.

    The regular way involves bringing your GF up in a casual way. I'm sure the two of you did something together lately that could be commented on normally. Talk about, say, The Avengers. Mention once that you went and saw it with your girlfriend. The issue has been raised, and then the two of you can talk about the movie with no loss of face for anybody involved.

    Sparky: I'm going to pick my jaw up off the floor right now. Deleting texts while he's talking to you about those very texts takes some major balls. And some less than stellar brains.

    The big question is how much you like the guy. Every time I've been with someone and I felt that there were things I wasn't being told, problems surfaced soon after. If he's super-important, make a comment to the effect that you'd rather be told if something happened, and then occasionally snoop to make sure he's not doing anything without saying. If it's less important, move on to someone who won't make you wonder if they're up to something behind your back. Make no mistake, making this work will take work. Sometimes partners aren't worth the projected effort.

  16. - Top - End - #316
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    MountainKing's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Michigan
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    I don't intend to be directing this at anyone, but as a general observation, it seems like a lot of the recent woes to come forth have been of the, "I went through their messages," varieties. My question is, is there an actual point where that's acceptable? To me, I really don't think there is. Like, if you're questioning them enough to want to invade their privacy, why not just ask them? Put the burden of truth on the other party, you know? I mean, yeah, it's not exactly ideal, and has a lot of room to backfire in the form of lies and heartache and stuff, but... I dunno, I just feel like, that's their privacy. If they aren't explicitly telling you to check it out, you shouldn't be there.
    Amazing Mountain King avatar courtesy of the remarkable Starwoof!

  17. - Top - End - #317
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Objection's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2011

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    This is just my opinion, but as far as relationship sins go, dishonesty and infidelity are greater sins than invasion of privacy and need to be exposed as soon as possible. Getting the word of your partner does not count as exposing it, since, as you said, they can lie about it.
    Last edited by Objection; 2012-05-13 at 01:34 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Squark View Post
    Seriously. Every time someone posts a thread like this, the Giant kills a kitten. Please stop before he gets to Mr. Scruffy.
    Quote Originally Posted by Othesemo View Post
    Recent studies have suggested that reading daily mail reduces the sodium content in your blood. As such, many leading doctors suggest taking it with a grain of salt.
    Avatar by Crimmy.

  18. - Top - End - #318
    Titan in the Playground
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    Quote Originally Posted by MountainKing View Post
    I don't intend to be directing this at anyone, but as a general observation, it seems like a lot of the recent woes to come forth have been of the, "I went through their messages," varieties. My question is, is there an actual point where that's acceptable? To me, I really don't think there is. Like, if you're questioning them enough to want to invade their privacy, why not just ask them? Put the burden of truth on the other party, you know? I mean, yeah, it's not exactly ideal, and has a lot of room to backfire in the form of lies and heartache and stuff, but... I dunno, I just feel like, that's their privacy. If they aren't explicitly telling you to check it out, you shouldn't be there.
    As I see it, there are grades to such things (this assumes the relationship is meant to be an equal one; that of sub and dom, for instance, would have different tiers, as would liege and serf, etc).

    At the top, as the worst things you can do in a relationship: severe betrayal of trust and willful action to hurt your other.

    Next severe we have: accidental action to hurt your other and an inability/unwillingness to admit fault with mistakes and fix them.

    Third we have: invasion of privacy (this is a breach of trust, but not to the same degree as meant above)

    Finally we have everything else.

    Note that I don't consider any of this minor, just that in the tree of things you shouldn't be doing, some things are more detrimental than others. If you willingly betray someone you love, it trumps everyone. It doesn't *justify* snooping through their email, but it would *explain* it. If they call you on it, turn it around and say "look, I regret having to do it, but I would never have if you hadn't betrayed me. Let's work this out, let's make this right. I'm at fault, you're at fault, but we can fix it. Let's fix this." If they don't agree to make things right and to work towards that fix, then get the hell out. They breached your trust, they are unwilling to admit their faults and work towards reconciliation, and they may well have done all this intentionally. It's over, leave now.

    tl;dr: Sometimes snooping makes sense, as long as you admit it was morally murky to be doing.

  19. - Top - End - #319
    Troll in the Playground
     
    dehro's Avatar

    Join Date
    May 2007
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    if there's a serious reason to suspect wrongdoing, discreetly checking up on things is legitimate, especially so if it turns out to confirm the wrongdoing.
    if it makes you feel guilty should it turns out to be a misunderstanding, you can always treat him/her to a dinner and confess your suspicions and tell them they're all behind you and that you've been stupid.
    if it turns out that the cellphone is full of nude piccies of someone else or equally clear violations of your trust in him/her, you're fully justified for having taken a look.
    if he/she then starts raving about break of trust for having checked out his phone/messenger/what have you..well..that's just agressively defending their own misdeeds by trying to shift the blame on you.
    if you did nothing to warrant being cheated on, the relatively minor violation of trust of intruding in their supposedly private space (they were sharing it with someone else allright!), pales into nothingness compared to the bigger issue of lies, cover-ups, cheating, hiding and..well.. the list goes on.
    it's as if your average fighter pilot got mad with his enemies for not leaving a convenient light on for him to target them with more ease.

    as for people knowingly breaking up a relationship because of long distance..I totally get that.
    I was rather taken by a woman in England, when I lived there. I decided to put the cards on the table and make it clear that it could not go anywhere other than being together in some fashion, being friends, and having wonderful time together.. because I wasn't sure that I would stay in the country and could not promise that to her.
    as it turned out, I lost her some time before it finally came to leaving the country.. (there were other issues as well). but if we had started a proper relationship and I had had to move away most likely for good.. the heartbreak would have been much worse.
    Last edited by dehro; 2012-05-14 at 10:45 AM.
    a triple cheer for Wojiz, for making me my very own Avatar...
    Quote Originally Posted by kpenguin View Post
    Cursed zombies are more realistic.
    Proud founder of the Vetinari Fanclub
    Spoiler
    Show

    with many thanks to Avi for the siggatar

  20. - Top - End - #320
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    Castaras's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Leicester, UK
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    To add another point to the long-distance points:

    Both of my previous relationships were long distance. One lasted for a month, the one before for two and a half years - the latter of which we were able to meet up twice a year. I would not willingly get into another long distance where there was no chance of us getting together in less than 6 months. I wouldn't be able to cope.

    But then again, two of my friends are now married, and their relationship was Finland-America. Another of my friends has been in a long distance relationship for about 6 years now. So it can work. Just depends on the circumstances and the people.
    "I'm just going on motive and opportunity here and the fact that if the earth got swallowed by a black hole, I'd look suspiciously in your direction first."
    ~ Timberwolf

    "After the first day we universally agreed that she was banned from fire thereafter. The second day she ended up with the power to create 5 extra copies of herself."
    ~ Heliomance

    "You're like Pinkie Pie powered by a nuclear reactor."
    ~ Lix Lorn


  21. - Top - End - #321
    Bugbear in the Playground
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Newfoundland
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    Quote Originally Posted by MountainKing View Post
    I don't intend to be directing this at anyone, but as a general observation, it seems like a lot of the recent woes to come forth have been of the, "I went through their messages," varieties. My question is, is there an actual point where that's acceptable? To me, I really don't think there is. Like, if you're questioning them enough to want to invade their privacy, why not just ask them? Put the burden of truth on the other party, you know? I mean, yeah, it's not exactly ideal, and has a lot of room to backfire in the form of lies and heartache and stuff, but... I dunno, I just feel like, that's their privacy. If they aren't explicitly telling you to check it out, you shouldn't be there.
    Intentionally snooping in someone else's private documents is, in my opinion, bad form at best. Don't do it. No, there is no point at which it is acceptable. I agree 100% with you on putting the onus on them if you don't trust them. Ask them outright, say you have suspicions. If they prove to you there is no wrongdoing, fine. If they don't, you MIGHT still be right, but they might just think you are a jerk.

    If this causes trust issues within the relationship, maybe it's better if it DOES end. Better to end this way than to have them discover you've been poking into their private info.

    This does not include accidental information (they left Facebook logged in and you see a private message by mistake) or information you get through conversation with other people (NOT the same as interrogation).

  22. - Top - End - #322
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    The Succubus's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    UK
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    Quote Originally Posted by Castaras View Post
    To add another point to the long-distance points:

    Both of my previous relationships were long distance. One lasted for a month, the one before for two and a half years - the latter of which we were able to meet up twice a year. I would not willingly get into another long distance where there was no chance of us getting together in less than 6 months. I wouldn't be able to cope.

    But then again, two of my friends are now married, and their relationship was Finland-America. Another of my friends has been in a long distance relationship for about 6 years now. So it can work. Just depends on the circumstances and the people.
    Well, speaking as someone that was in a LDR for 2 years until very recently, it was hard being apart from her and the fact I couldn't get a job in Denmark and she was unlikely to get a job here led to our mutual break up.

    Would I go through a LDR again? Yes, a thousand times yes. I discovered a new country, learned a new language and discovered a new way of looking at things. Plus I also got to date a beautiful and wonderful woman for 2 years. Going through all that again in another country with new experiences on offer? Hell yeah!

    *(it'd have to be a country where I had a good chance of finding work though without a colossal language barrier )
    Quote Originally Posted by Dallas-Dakota View Post
    Succubus gets grongratulatory cookies from me. You have stepped into the realm of puns that only the likes of Death, Your Friend the Reaper have seen.

    Posting schedule likely to be erratic for the next few weeks - sorting out some personal stuff.

  23. - Top - End - #323
    Troll in the Playground
     
    dehro's Avatar

    Join Date
    May 2007
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    first off..I am single. that said...

    when I am in a relationship with someone, she is free to peek through my cellphone and my internet logs, because I have nothing to hide. if she can look at my internet history and logs without blushing (and chances are she can, because she's my partner and we didn't find each other in a box of cereals), then I have no objection to her doing so...because I have no secrets for my partner safe those things that she actually asks me to keep secret from her (not everybody wants to know about previous relations for instance).
    I expect this lack of secrecy to be mutual...and yes, it is an openly debated topic which gets "shaped" and agreed on depending on the individuals.
    of course, this all boils down to the maturity and quality of the individuals

    in fact..
    I also expect this (the mutual snooping) not to be necessary because the first and foremost tenet of our relationship is mutual trust and respect.
    Mutual trust to which the permission to snoop is a non-taboo byproduct.
    however,
    This may sound arrogant, but every time there has been trouble in a relationship and it revolved around trust issues or reasons for my partner not to be entirely honest with me..I have never needed to check her messages to make things come out in the open. I would just know there was something and when and how to confront her with my suspicions. I'm a decent guy, and not once has any of my partners found it in her heart to lie to my face once I did confront her. Yes, occasionally this has lead to the ending of a relationship.
    I do know however that if I had ever needed not to trust her explanations or the situation in general, I would have had no compunction about checking her logs...even though I wouldn't do so under normal circumstances, and even then, possibly not behind her back..

    There's a wealth of difference between not mentioning inconvenient truths that have no bearing on a relationship but could potentially create an issue if blown out of proportion, and actively hiding serious issues within a relationship and grave breaches of trust.
    When the latter happens, no amount of "you're not allowed to look at the messages I exchanged with the guy I've been sleeping with behind your back because that is a violation of privacy" counts for anything.
    Last edited by dehro; 2012-05-14 at 12:22 PM.
    a triple cheer for Wojiz, for making me my very own Avatar...
    Quote Originally Posted by kpenguin View Post
    Cursed zombies are more realistic.
    Proud founder of the Vetinari Fanclub
    Spoiler
    Show

    with many thanks to Avi for the siggatar

  24. - Top - End - #324
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    MountainKing's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Michigan
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    Quote Originally Posted by arguskos View Post
    As I see it, there are grades to such things (this assumes the relationship is meant to be an equal one; that of sub and dom, for instance, would have different tiers, as would liege and serf, etc).

    At the top, as the worst things you can do in a relationship: severe betrayal of trust and willful action to hurt your other.

    Next severe we have: accidental action to hurt your other and an inability/unwillingness to admit fault with mistakes and fix them.

    Third we have: invasion of privacy (this is a breach of trust, but not to the same degree as meant above)

    Finally we have everything else.

    Note that I don't consider any of this minor, just that in the tree of things you shouldn't be doing, some things are more detrimental than others. If you willingly betray someone you love, it trumps everyone. It doesn't *justify* snooping through their email, but it would *explain* it. If they call you on it, turn it around and say "look, I regret having to do it, but I would never have if you hadn't betrayed me. Let's work this out, let's make this right. I'm at fault, you're at fault, but we can fix it. Let's fix this." If they don't agree to make things right and to work towards that fix, then get the hell out. They breached your trust, they are unwilling to admit their faults and work towards reconciliation, and they may well have done all this intentionally. It's over, leave now.

    tl;dr: Sometimes snooping makes sense, as long as you admit it was morally murky to be doing.
    I dunno... I mean... I suppose, you do have several decent points. I just... bleh, even just thinking about that kind of thing makes me feel all manner of wretched. I think I'd rather deal with a messy breakup than a situation where I actually dug through my partner's messages and the like.

    Quote Originally Posted by prufock View Post
    Intentionally snooping in someone else's private documents is, in my opinion, bad form at best. Don't do it. No, there is no point at which it is acceptable. I agree 100% with you on putting the onus on them if you don't trust them. Ask them outright, say you have suspicions. If they prove to you there is no wrongdoing, fine. If they don't, you MIGHT still be right, but they might just think you are a jerk.

    If this causes trust issues within the relationship, maybe it's better if it DOES end. Better to end this way than to have them discover you've been poking into their private info.

    This does not include accidental information (they left Facebook logged in and you see a private message by mistake) or information you get through conversation with other people (NOT the same as interrogation).
    Like prufock said, I don't feel that snooping is acceptable, no matter what the reason for it. I feel like, it's private for a reason. If they wanted me to know, they'd tell me about it. That's the kind of communicative ideal I strive for.
    Amazing Mountain King avatar courtesy of the remarkable Starwoof!

  25. - Top - End - #325
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
    Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll's Avatar

    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Montreal! Quebec! Canada?

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    Soooooo I just told a girl that I completely have fallen for her.
    And she said it was reciprocal.




    she lives in Boston.



    Man, why can't I ever fall for attainable girls?
    Steampunk GwynSkull by DR. BATH

    "Live to the point of tears"
    - Albert Camus


    Quote Originally Posted by Wyntonian View Post
    What. Is. This. Madness.

  26. - Top - End - #326
    Titan in the Playground
     
    AtlanteanTroll's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Oberlin College
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    Quote Originally Posted by noparlpf View Post
    Not even. They just decided, together, that they'd rather just break up now (yesterday) than try long-distance over the summer. I'm trying to understand humans and I'm not good at it.
    It sort of strikes me as self evident. Unless they're going to be seeing each other again next semester. It's like High School. Graduating Seniors frequently breakup as they wouldn't see each other in College and most High School aged couples weren't built to last anyway. Similarly no one wants to start a relationship right as you head into the summer as a lot of people end up disappearing for a month or two and that's a bad way to start things off.
    My BRAND NEW art thread! Please, stop on down!
    Quote Originally Posted by Dragonprime View Post
    AT, I esteem you above all other men now.

  27. - Top - End - #327

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    Quote Originally Posted by MountainKing View Post
    I feel like, it's private for a reason. If they wanted me to know, they'd tell me about it. That's the kind of communicative ideal I strive for.
    Oftentimes, the reason they don't want you to know is because if you did, the **** would really hit the fan. In that case, blind trust bites you hard.

    Look at it this way. You're starting to feel that there's something your partner doesn't want you to know. You could be an absolutionist, and break things off when all they were doing is planning a surprise party for you. You could be blindly trusting, and keep sending money to this nice girl in Nigeria who promises to come over as soon as all the red tape clears up. Or you could give in to small vices, to stave off the bigger ones.

    I can't help but notice that the people who insist that everything is always clear-cut and everything must be lived to impeccable moral standards are also the people who often complain about being unlucky in love. Life is lived in gray areas.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll View Post
    Soooooo I just told a girl that I completely have fallen for her.
    And she said it was reciprocal.




    she lives in Boston.



    Man, why can't I ever fall for attainable girls?
    Because when you're close enough to have actual physical things happen, there's a risk of things physically happening. Long-distance guys are like the archetypal gay BFF. Safely nonsexual.
    Last edited by Reluctance; 2012-05-14 at 09:32 PM.

  28. - Top - End - #328
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
    Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll's Avatar

    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Montreal! Quebec! Canada?

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    Well, the girl I liked before this was lesbian. That was just a crush though, and not reciprocated for obvious reasons.
    Steampunk GwynSkull by DR. BATH

    "Live to the point of tears"
    - Albert Camus


    Quote Originally Posted by Wyntonian View Post
    What. Is. This. Madness.

  29. - Top - End - #329
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Starwulf's Avatar

    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Western Maryland
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    first off..I am single. that said...

    when I am in a relationship with someone, she is free to peek through my cellphone and my internet logs, because I have nothing to hide. if she can look at my internet history and logs without blushing (and chances are she can, because she's my partner and we didn't find each other in a box of cereals), then I have no objection to her doing so...because I have no secrets for my partner safe those things that she actually asks me to keep secret from her (not everybody wants to know about previous relations for instance).
    I expect this lack of secrecy to be mutual...and yes, it is an openly debated topic which gets "shaped" and agreed on depending on the individuals.
    of course, this all boils down to the maturity and quality of the individuals

    in fact..
    I also expect this (the mutual snooping) not to be necessary because the first and foremost tenet of our relationship is mutual trust and respect.
    Mutual trust to which the permission to snoop is a non-taboo byproduct.
    however,
    This may sound arrogant, but every time there has been trouble in a relationship and it revolved around trust issues or reasons for my partner not to be entirely honest with me..I have never needed to check her messages to make things come out in the open. I would just know there was something and when and how to confront her with my suspicions. I'm a decent guy, and not once has any of my partners found it in her heart to lie to my face once I did confront her. Yes, occasionally this has lead to the ending of a relationship.
    I do know however that if I had ever needed not to trust her explanations or the situation in general, I would have had no compunction about checking her logs...even though I wouldn't do so under normal circumstances, and even then, possibly not behind her back..

    There's a wealth of difference between not mentioning inconvenient truths that have no bearing on a relationship but could potentially create an issue if blown out of proportion, and actively hiding serious issues within a relationship and grave breaches of trust.
    When the latter happens, no amount of "you're not allowed to look at the messages I exchanged with the guy I've been sleeping with behind your back because that is a violation of privacy" counts for anything.
    QFT. Me and my wife are both this way, we both know each others passwords for anything and everything, and have absolutely no issue with logging into each others emails and stuff, because neither of us have a damn thing to hide. If that were to suddenly change on either end, the other would pretty much automatically know something was up.
    Avatar is Chaos Devil Dragon from Puzzle & Dragons!

  30. - Top - End - #330
    Troll in the Playground
     
    dehro's Avatar

    Join Date
    May 2007
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut

    Quote Originally Posted by Starwulf View Post
    If that were to suddenly change on either end, the other would pretty much automatically know something was up.
    I know, right!!!??
    a triple cheer for Wojiz, for making me my very own Avatar...
    Quote Originally Posted by kpenguin View Post
    Cursed zombies are more realistic.
    Proud founder of the Vetinari Fanclub
    Spoiler
    Show

    with many thanks to Avi for the siggatar

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •