Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solution

[Hawkfrost000]

Turns out the girl I had have a crush on was is lesbian.
Edit: Past tense is lying to myself
This is turning into somewhat of a theme for me.

Huh, its better than finding out they have a boyfriend, that way there is always a fleeting hope that they might break up and that then she might choose you.

Closure is nice.

That and the temptation to kill their partener :P

*i kid, i kid. please don't hurt me*

EDIT:

Is it strange that the last three girls I've crushed on/been with all have the same name?? lol

You dont know the half of it, my current crush shares my birthday and has the same name as my mother.

Still increadibly cute, and sexy, and a brony, and kinda sorta into Metal.

And she has a boyfreind

DM

[RabbitHoleLost]

Is it strange that the last three girls I've crushed on/been with all have the same name?? lol

An Abundance of Katherines, you say?

[Reluctance]

Sholos:

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Flipping through RWA 21 (which is typo'd in the opening post, when DMS cares to get around to it) to find your link, it sounds like your approach is what needs the most work. Describe some of your dates. This sounds like you need more than an updated sales pitch to make nice with the ladies. The underlying product might need work.

As always, giving a couple of sample messages might help. The best profile in the world isn't likely to help me if my messages are about the violent, debasing things I want to do to the recipient. I don't think yours are anywhere near that, but I wouldn't be surprised if they were overly dull and Nice Guy-ish.

The biggest thing with your profile is to be mindful of your competition. Meet Daniel. I found him through your Similar Users. (You used to be able to see them on your own profile, which was helpful. C'est la vie.) Imagine I'm some hottie who has a thing for shy, geeky guys. Why would I spend a weekend with you over him? Once you understand the sheer volume of options available to - and presenting themselves to - any high-desirability partner, you start to grasp how much you need to stand out from the crowd.

But like I said before, share some initial messages and early date stories first. There's a lot more to landing a partner than making a good sales pitch. It's important, no question, but so is delivering a quality product.

[Heliomance]

If they're living in the same dorm, it's a little late to give her a fake name.

Maeglin_Dubh: You're at a point right now where any attempt I could think of to improve it would risk losing your voice. Having both a voice of your own and a niche are good things. Heliomance may not be everybody's cup of tea, but he's good at targeting people who like his niche traits.

(Before anyone else here brings it up, being a nerd is not a unique niche. Being a nerd on the internet is like being a snowflake in a blizzard.)

If you've had your account for over two weeks, I might as well leave this link here. We're not exactly talking moderated, so understand that you'll have both trolls and people who are honestly misinformed. Still, there's good stuff there. Even without posting a thread of your own, seeing other people's threads/profiles and seeing what advice they're given can help you hone your own approach.

Speaking of which, if you tend to fall flat, it's always worth asking what sort of messages you send. Messages are at least as important as profiles.

Heliomance: If this is a brag thread now, there's a girl I started talking to last week. I've seen a lot of her since then. And I don't mean that I've been seeing her a lot.

I'm not trying to brag, honest. Just wanted to share happiness gained from unexpected success :)

Course, judging from my track record, anythingthat develops will last two months, tops >_>

[Moonshadow]

It's funny. I've noticed something over the past couple of weeks. Out of my... well, few friends, I've noticed that women will practically never initiate contact (I think 1 has initiated contact once over that period), while men on the other hand are very very likely to (at least 2 or 3 have initiated first if I haven't done it myself).


No idea if this is me or them or whatever. I just thought it was interesting -shrugs-

[dehro]

stuff.

I find that usually, when I'm not on the same page with the subject of my thoughts, be they thoughts of fun or something more serious... it's best to step away before I get hurt or worse, I hurt her.

[Trekkin]

There's this weird thing that's been happening to me of late: people keep getting scared of me. My friends, my coworkers, cashiers, even people I just introduce myself to all react oddly, in little ways. They get quiet and reserved and oddly twitchy. I've asked said friends about it, and apparently I just seem "intense" or "scary" or "intimidating", with all attempts at elaboration rapidly devolving into apologies for being unable to explain. It's apparently not communciable through texting, though.

Now, as much as I can put this to use corralling my players for Deadlands, it's a bit of a hamper on my social life, and I'm at a loss to explain it. As far as I know, I haven't changed anything about my appearance or bearing; I'm still the same relaxed hippy I've always been. Has this happened to anyone else? How do I tone it down?

[Marillion]

I find that usually, when I'm not on the same page with the subject of my thoughts, be they thoughts of fun or something more serious... it's best to step away before I get hurt or worse, I hurt her.

Pretty much. It's just kind of strange, how 3 months ago I only knew her by sight and now she's one of my closest friends. Good friends are hard to come by.

[fergo]

Course, judging from my track record, anythingthat develops will last two months, tops >_>

Hey, don't be negative . That's the worst possible attitude to approach a potential relationship from .

[Sholos]

Sholos:

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Flipping through RWA 21 (which is typo'd in the opening post, when DMS cares to get around to it) to find your link, it sounds like your approach is what needs the most work. Describe some of your dates. This sounds like you need more than an updated sales pitch to make nice with the ladies. The underlying product might need work.

As always, giving a couple of sample messages might help. The best profile in the world isn't likely to help me if my messages are about the violent, debasing things I want to do to the recipient. I don't think yours are anywhere near that, but I wouldn't be surprised if they were overly dull and Nice Guy-ish.

The biggest thing with your profile is to be mindful of your competition. Meet Daniel. I found him through your Similar Users. (You used to be able to see them on your own profile, which was helpful. C'est la vie.) Imagine I'm some hottie who has a thing for shy, geeky guys. Why would I spend a weekend with you over him? Once you understand the sheer volume of options available to - and presenting themselves to - any high-desirability partner, you start to grasp how much you need to stand out from the crowd.

But like I said before, share some initial messages and early date stories first. There's a lot more to landing a partner than making a good sales pitch. It's important, no question, but so is delivering a quality product.

Okay, here goes. This is how it went with the first (and so far only) person I've managed to meet with from OKC.

First date I managed to land:

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We met at a local Baskin Robbins (I chose this after she mentioned she hadn't been in years) for ice cream. It was really simple, we just sat and talked about this and that for 4 and a half hours. All kinds of things, really, from stories about our cats back home to places we've visited to random childhood likes and dislikes. At the end of it (which was mostly one of us actually noticing what time it was), she said, very enthusiastically, "We should do this again!" I got her number and said I'd call her. This was on a Monday.

Second date:

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I was going to wait a couple days before calling her, but I happened to randomly run into her the very next day on the bus, so I took the opportunity to find out if she wanted to get together again before she left for the weekend. She agreed and we set a date for the next day at a local restaurant that she hadn't been to (I again chose). We met up, had dinner, and talked for a good three hours. Then I walked her home (aside from just walking her home, I live in the same direction and so would've walked that way anyways). We got back to her place and I asked if she wanted to meet again after she got back from her weekend. She agreed, but didn't have a good handle on what her next week was going to look like. I asked if Monday would be a good time to call, and said I'd call then when she said yes.

The weekend:

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So, I know I had said I'd call the next Monday, but I got talking with a friend who managed to land himself a girl (seems every other guy around me barely has to try to find someone...) and got to thinking maybe it'd be cool in the future to double date. Now, because I'm horrible with remembering to do things (moderate-to-severe ADHD), I texted her (the girl I went out with) and asked if she liked bowling. That was it, pure and simple. Didn't hear back from her, but I figured she was busy with her weekend. Monday comes along, and I wait until late afternoon to make sure I'm not interrupting a class to call. No answer, just goes to voice-mail. I leave a message asking her to call back and don't worry about it.

The week:

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Come Tuesday evening, she still hasn't called back or even texted, and I'm started to get worried. This is the start of a pattern with which I'm all too familiar in which the girl just up and vanishes with no regard to how it makes the guy feel. It's happened to me several times before, and hence I'm not feeling too good about it. I'm still refraining from calling because she's a fourth year chem major and even though I said that I'd call Monday, maybe she's busy or something. Some friends that night agree that I should wait a little bit. So I wait until Wednesday evening, a full two days (48+ hours) before calling again. Once again, it goes to voice-mail (not straight, but she didn't answer). I leave a short message asking how things are going and again asking her to give me a call back. Come Friday, there's still no response. I hop on OKC and find out that her profile is gone. At this point it's pretty obvious to me that she doesn't want to speak to me for some reason.

And so ended my brief flirtation with success.

As for my messaging, that gets interesting. I've actually had more girls message me initially than vice versa, so I must be doing something right, at least as far as initial messages go. This included the girl who I actually got two dates with.

Here's a very early message in our correspondence from me:

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I agree. I actually liked the slow beginning it had. I thought it felt more realistic that way. And Alan Tudyk was amazing as Alpha, of course. I thought they really had a neat concept adn I'm sad it got canceled.

I see your open to suggestions for books and you like sci-fi and fantasy. Have you read any of Terry Pratchett's Discworld? I highly recommend the series.

I saw you like cats. Do you have any here with you or back home?

Here's one I sent as an initial contact to another girl:

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Hello there. I was reading your profile and absolutely agree with your idea of a party. What other board games do you like? I'm also a regular player (pretty much every Friday night, actually) and am always on the lookout for new ones. Board games = awesomeness, so say we (my group of friends) all.

Here's an early message to yet another girl. The length of it was typical for our messages back and forth:

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There's another place down on Preston that's all about organic and vegan foods if you're looking for an easy-to-get-to place (there's a stop right near it on the Outer Loop). What kind of place is Lemongrass? I think I've seen it, just never been inside. You don't actually need a car, but it certainly helps and saves tons of time. The trolley and city bus system can get you a lot of places, though, including downtown.

My favorite Poe work is definitely the Raven. There's just something about reading it out loud that is really fun. Then again, reading most anything by Poe out loud is fun. I definitely remember the Black Cat, though I was always more upset about the cat (comes from my possibly silly level of love for the evil little critters).

I can't actually think of a top xkcd in my mind, but the tech support flow chart is up there. As for other comics, if you're at all a fan of D&D, I recommend Order of the Stick (though you don't really need to be a fan to enjoy the comic, just might not get all the jokes). Sluggy Freelance is excellent if you have the spare time (updating daily since 1997). Have you heard of Darths & Droids? It's taking the Star Wars films and treating them as if they're a roleplaying game gone wrong. DM of the Rings does the same with Lord of the Rings. They're both hilarious, and Darths & Droids actually manages to improve on the story in some parts (like Jar Jar being invented by a 10-year-old girl).

This one actually agreed to have lunch with me and seemed very enthusiastic about meeting up with a couple of groups I was already involved with, but nothing ever came of it...

Of the 9 girls I've been in contact with, I only initiated contact with two of them. Most of them I exchanged in excess of 30 messages before things stopped happening. Three of them have since gotten rid of their profiles.

[Rawhide]

All of these profiles being deleted... I need to ask two questions.

1) What happens if someone blocks you? Is it possible? Will it just ignore messages? Will it tell you? Will it show their profile at all? Will their profile appear to be "deleted"?


2) Were they perhaps fake accounts phishing for money?

[Sholos]

All of these profiles being deleted... I need to ask two questions.

1) What happens if someone blocks you? Is it possible? Will it just ignore messages? Will it tell you? Will it show their profile at all? Will their profile appear to be "deleted"?

I don't honestly know, but either way it's still an active avoidance of me, which seemed uncalled for given the circumstances.

2) Were they perhaps fake accounts phishing for money?

If they were, they were certainly trying to take a long and inefficient route. I had fairly extensive conversations with them and money never came up.

[DeadManSleeping]

@Sholos: first thought was "maybe you misspelled bowling"

Beyond that, it's hard to say. Maybe some drama you never knew about came up

[Starwulf]

@Sholos: How long ago was all of this with the girl and the dates and the taking down of the profile? I'm wondering, because it kind of came off to me, as though she was just busy, and that she took down the profile because of you, but not because she was creeped out, but because she honestly felt a connection with you. You don't just have 2 3-4 hour conversations with someone you don't like or feel attracted to, that just doesn't happen man, not at all. The reason why I'm wondering how long it's been, is because I'm hoping it hasn't been that long at all so you can try contacting her again. Don't pull away from her just yet.

[fergo]

@Sholos: How long ago was all of this with the girl and the dates and the taking down of the profile? I'm wondering, because it kind of came off to me, as though she was just busy, and that she took down the profile because of you, but not because she was creeped out, but because she honestly felt a connection with you. You don't just have 2 3-4 hour conversations with someone you don't like or feel attracted to, that just doesn't happen man, not at all. The reason why I'm wondering how long it's been, is because I'm hoping it hasn't been that long at all so you can try contacting her again. Don't pull away from her just yet.

Agreed . You don't know what's going on in her life right now, so it's probably best to just step back and wait and see what happens. If you don't hear from her in a week or two, then yes, she probably has found something else...

But don't let that get you down. Two massive conversations with someone you've just met? Don't worry about seeming awkward or anything on dates, you seem to be doing it right

@Sholos: first thought was "maybe you misspelled bowling"

Ha!

[Sholos]

@Sholos: How long ago was all of this with the girl and the dates and the taking down of the profile? I'm wondering, because it kind of came off to me, as though she was just busy, and that she took down the profile because of you, but not because she was creeped out, but because she honestly felt a connection with you. You don't just have 2 3-4 hour conversations with someone you don't like or feel attracted to, that just doesn't happen man, not at all. The reason why I'm wondering how long it's been, is because I'm hoping it hasn't been that long at all so you can try contacting her again. Don't pull away from her just yet.

It's been a full 2 1/2 weeks now.

[Moonshadow]

You do have to realize that the vast majority of women on OkCupid are only there for attention and to inflate their egos due to the sheer number of men competing for their time.

Also, unless you're smoking hot, aka supermodel levels of hot, you'll probably not get much more than 1 glance if that from a lot of women on there. Because as their last survey went, 80% of all women on the site thought the men on there were below average in the looks department or worse.

[Grinner]

Also, unless you're smoking hot, aka supermodel levels of hot, you'll probably not get much more than 1 glance if that from a lot of women on there. Because as their last survey went, 80% of all women on the site thought the men on there were below average in the looks department or worse.

Eh. From what I've seen, women tend to be extremely judgmental anyway. Or at least more open about it.

[fergo]

It's been a full 2 1/2 weeks now.

Well, nothing you can do except stop worrying about it. The point you need to take away is that you did extremely well at the dates themselves. If she's gone off, it's through no fault of your own--you didn't do anything wrong.

[Maeglin_Dubh]

You do have to realize that the vast majority of women on OkCupid are only there for attention and to inflate their egos due to the sheer number of men competing for their time.

Also, unless you're smoking hot, aka supermodel levels of hot, you'll probably not get much more than 1 glance if that from a lot of women on there. Because as their last survey went, 80% of all women on the site thought the men on there were below average in the looks department or worse.

I believe it.

The site informs me that I've messaged more than 20 people. Of that, only two have replied.

It's to the point where sometimes I don't message interesting people, leaving them to be Schroedinger's Girl - so long as I don't message them, they can remain a potential reply, as opposed to when I message them and they ignore the message, like 18+ others.

[Eadin]

Turns out the girl I had have a crush on was is lesbian.
Edit: Past tense is lying to myself
This is turning into somewhat of a theme for me.

*hugs Gwyn* awwww.... I'm sorry

[Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll]

*hugs Gwyn* awwww.... I'm sorry

It's actually a lot easier to deal with, actually, because it's like... If it was some other reason I would be all like "But whyyyyy doesn't she like me" angst, while this way I'm like "Oh, she just isn't into guys. Gotcha."

[Serpentine]

Five, actually. It be half a decade old, and ready for kindergarten.


I'm glad to see the thread still around. :) Apologies for the absence without warning, there has been a lot going on in my life (both good and stressful) the last while. I just haven't had the emotional ability or time to handle much beyond my real life at the moment.

Sadly, this probably does not signify an actual return as of yet. I'll try to keep an eye on it and pop in every now and again, though.

SYKA! \o/ I've been meaning to contact you and ask where you are and how you're doing for months...

Meet Daniel.

Poor Daniel's gonna get a whole lot of people looking at his profile all of a sudden, and won't know why...

There's this weird thing that's been happening to me of late: people keep getting scared of me. My friends, my coworkers, cashiers, even people I just introduce myself to all react oddly, in little ways. They get quiet and reserved and oddly twitchy. I've asked said friends about it, and apparently I just seem "intense" or "scary" or "intimidating", with all attempts at elaboration rapidly devolving into apologies for being unable to explain. It's apparently not communciable through texting, though.

Now, as much as I can put this to use corralling my players for Deadlands, it's a bit of a hamper on my social life, and I'm at a loss to explain it. As far as I know, I haven't changed anything about my appearance or bearing; I'm still the same relaxed hippy I've always been. Has this happened to anyone else? How do I tone it down?

Can you show us what you usually look like, preferably including how you hold yourself, etc?

You do have to realize that the vast majority of women on OkCupid are only there for attention and to inflate their egos due to the sheer number of men competing for their time.

I find that highly unlikely, or at the most exactly as applicable to the men on OKCupid

I've actually been pleasantly surprised by the large numbers of good-looking (by my measure), interesting guys on OKCupid. I've also messaged many of them, and responded to almost every message I've received (except messages that consist entirely of "hey" or "hi" or "hey sexy ;)", or from people who creep me out for whatever reason).

[DeadManSleeping]

I've also messaged many of them, and responded to almost every message I've received (except messages that consist entirely of "hey" or "hi" or "hey sexy ;)", or from people who creep me out for whatever reason).

Lady, that puts you in a severe minority. Do you want to see the metrics?

OKTrends on how women rate men

I can't find one on the rate with which women initiate contact vs. the rate with which men initiate contact, but given that the site measures female replies on most charts and male first contacts on most charts, I'd guess there's a bit of a discrepancy.

Now, do I think that means most ladies are there for the attention? No. That's a bit of an absurd conclusion, especially since male reply rates are percentage-wise no higher than female reply rates (EDIT: Okay, not true, apparently. Male reply rate is like 40% vs. female less than 30%). But the base points raised are valid. Ladies don't contact men enough, and they think we're ugly SOBs on average.

Of course, maybe we're just not wearing enough makeup.

[Serpentine]

I know I'm in the minority. But if you're* gonna start attacking and insulting all women on OKCupid for some trends, why are you trying to talk to them anyway?

*non-specific

[DabblerWizard]

Trekkin Quoted

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There's this weird thing that's been happening to me of late: people keep getting scared of me. My friends, my coworkers, cashiers, even people I just introduce myself to all react oddly, in little ways. They get quiet and reserved and oddly twitchy. I've asked said friends about it, and apparently I just seem "intense" or "scary" or "intimidating", with all attempts at elaboration rapidly devolving into apologies for being unable to explain. It's apparently not communciable through texting, though.

Now, as much as I can put this to use corralling my players for Deadlands, it's a bit of a hamper on my social life, and I'm at a loss to explain it. As far as I know, I haven't changed anything about my appearance or bearing; I'm still the same relaxed hippy I've always been. Has this happened to anyone else? How do I tone it down?

People who appear intense, scary, or intimidating sometimes share certain physical qualities that you might be displaying, Trekkin, without even realizing it.

Things like intense staring, scowling, looming, holding your body rigidly, fists clenched, etc. are the types of things people might be scared by. Shorter people sometimes find taller people somewhat scarier than people closer to their height. Emotions that could bring about those physical states include anger, irritation, stress, etc.

A solution: Try to relax your body, smile if you're actually feeling good.

You could learn more in depth solutions by talking with a counselor. I don't think you're crazy; a counselor / psychotherapist could teach you about simple things like body awareness and emotion maintenance, which could help, but I can't talk about them as they fall into the professional "advice" zone.

[Maeglin_Dubh]

I know I'm in the minority.

You are a minority, it seems. 10% response rate is rather frustrating.

[DeadManSleeping]

I know that feel, bro. While "average" is supposedly nearly 30% (and definitely higher for people who write longer messages than "sup girrrrl"), I've really observed it to be less. I feel pretty unattractive.

[arguskos]

I know that feel, bro. While "average" is supposedly nearly 30% (and definitely higher for people who write longer messages than "sup girrrrl"), I've really observed it to be less. I feel pretty unattractive.

Agreed. I've messaged a good 30+ people of interest, and only had a few responses (those died rapidly).

Now, I'm part of the issue on that one, but still, I can't be THAT horrifying awful to deal with. Right? Right?

[Qaera]

Ooh, Gwyn, can I have her number? :P *hugs*

On OKC, I've noticed about five times more messages when I'm female than when I'm male. It's weird.

QAERA's LOVE LIFE UPDATE: My crush is dating someone else. I think a girl in my Mythological Creatures and Fairies Club likes me. Another person, I wish would pick up all these signals I'm dropping. I can't hold all these signals.

~ ♅