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2012-08-16, 11:58 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Aug 2006
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- Leeds, UK
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
"I'm just going on motive and opportunity here and the fact that if the earth got swallowed by a black hole, I'd look suspiciously in your direction first."
~ Timberwolf
"I blame Castaras. You know... In general."
~ KuReshtin
"Castaras - An absolutely adorable facade that hides a truly ruthless streak."
~ The Succubus
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2012-08-16, 12:06 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2007
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Kinda hard for me to act like we're friends and there's nothing wrong when I'm still in love with her, though. That's where the weirdness comes from.
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2012-08-16, 12:13 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2008
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- UK
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
I hear that.
It was the other way around for me, though. I hoped to remain friends with my former love and she just axed me completely. Sorry, still a little bitter about that but I'm working on it.
That's the bugger with relationships - it really needs to be a two way deal for it to work.
My small advice would be this - both of you are a little fuzzed up in the head right now and it's leading both of you to say and do things that aren't helpful. Give each other some proper space for about 3 or 4 days - it'll give you both time to settle down and get your heads straight. You've sent her a letter, which I imagine tells her how you feel far more eloquently than speech can right now.
After those 3 days, then approach each other - some thing neutral, like over coffee or something and see what happens then.
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2012-08-16, 12:51 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2008
- Location
- Xin-Shalast
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
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2012-08-16, 01:03 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2007
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
I haven't yet, because I'm still hopeful for reconciliation. If that doesn't happen and she carries on trying to act like nothing's wrong, I'll probably ask for some space.
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2012-08-16, 01:05 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2009
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Wonder Woman (DC Girls in Sweaters Style) Avatar by Astrella.
NO FUN. NOT EVER.
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Metal Archives
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2012-08-16, 01:29 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Oct 2008
- Location
- Xin-Shalast
- Gender
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2012-08-16, 01:44 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2011
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
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2012-08-16, 01:49 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Jan 2007
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Last edited by Heliomance; 2012-08-16 at 01:51 PM.
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Wish building characters for D&D 3.5 was simpler? Try HeroForge Anew! An Excel-based, highly automated character builder. v7.4 now out!
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2012-08-16, 03:29 PM (ISO 8601)
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- May 2007
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
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2012-08-16, 05:08 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2008
- Location
- Seattle, WA
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
So, a final update on my recent foray into trying to set something up with someone through OKC (earlier pieces of this have been scattered over the last few pages).
Having not heard from her in 2 weeks, I asked her today whether she'd had any luck with her job hunt (her primary source of scheduling conflicts over the month or so we were trying to figure out a date). Apparently, she got a job in DC (3 hours away from here, roughly) as a middle/high school choir teacher, and has already started her orientation. Which means that any chance of even trying to do something has pretty much fallen through. She apologized "that we never went out," adding that it had been a crazy summer for her. Exchanged another handful of texts (I congratulated her on her job, of course) after that, although I'd expect that conversation (which is pretty much ended now) to be the last exchange we really have.
Ah well, back to square... I guess it isn't quite square one, given that I've now gotten a reply (that seemed very positive) to a message I've sent. Back to the drawing board, I guess.
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2012-08-16, 06:06 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2007
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Nope, it's definitely over. Had a long and cathartic conversation this evening, and I'm now pretty much okay with it. It'll take a while for the emotions to fade, of course, but I can see that actually, she's not in the right place for a relationship with me. I'm just worried that I've hurt her.
C'est la vie. I'll move on. Maybe someday we'll meet again and she'll be in a place where she can forgive me, maybe we won't. I refuse to regret the first love I ever had. I'm okay.Quotebox
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Wish building characters for D&D 3.5 was simpler? Try HeroForge Anew! An Excel-based, highly automated character builder. v7.4 now out!
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2012-08-16, 07:08 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2008
- Location
- Xin-Shalast
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
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2012-08-17, 05:17 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2008
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- GMT -8:00
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
I don't know what I'm about to write or how to write it but I'm going to do it anyways and hope the result makes sense and that I don't wuss out and quit before submitting it.
SpoilerHistory: There's this guy who is a member of a school club that I go to and who had a crush on me for nearly two years, although I only knew about it during the second year. He flirted a bit throughout that year, which I was receptive to, and then on Valentine's Day he got me a rose and asked if, quote, I'd be his Valentine. I'm young and foolish and had rarely been flirted with (only one guy and I missed all his signals anyways >.>) and never gotten anything on Valentine's Day before, and he's very nice and not entirely aesthetically unappealing, so I agreed and we started dating. Except, I think he considered it a real boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. About 48 hours later he texted me saying that he loved me, and throughout the month he made references to wanting to travel the world with me and show me the countries he'd been to and share his entire life with me, with no doubt that any of that would ever not happen. I didn't like him back that much - which I did tell him, and he did back off for a little while - and that, combined with spending more time with him and finding aspects of his personality that I didn't agree with, only drove me away. Finally realizing that I did not want to be in any sort of relationship with him occured about the week before finals, so I avoided seeing him until after his last final and then I broke up with him.
This is basically the opposite of how my last relationship ended, so I sympathized with what he was feeling and was fine staying friends, as I currently am with my own ex. Okay, maybe a bit less because my ex and I were good friends even before dating and this guy and I weren't, but still friends.
Unfortunately that wasn't the end of the relationship troubles. 7 days later I got an email letter containing two pages of what I'd consider "thought-collecting", just sort of reflecting on the recent school quarter and talking about what he was up to during spring break and how he's doing okay. Which would be fine with me, because writing is cathartic, if he hadn't ended the letter with "...but I am even more in love with you".
7 days after that he sent me a love poem. And tried to engage me in an IM conversation ("Did you get my letter? What kind of music do you like?") but after answering the first sentence I basically ignored him.
We rarely saw each other over the next few months because he was working on his academics and didn't come to very many club meetings.
I know I'm being a b**** but I'm quickly losing all patience with him.
In May, a few friends and I went to see Avengers. My roommate, who is also in the same club as myself and this guy, had homework so she stayed home to work on that. He came to my apartment that night and asked if I was home, but my roommate said that I was out watching a movie and so he left. She texted me to say that he'd been by.
A few weeks later, my other aptmate mentioned that the guy had been by again recently but I had been out of the apartment again. This time he didn't ask for me; he just said he'd been in the neighborhood and wanted to stop by. He read his textbook for about half an hour and then left.
The school year ended and summer break began. By this point, all my creeper alerts were going off and I was hoping I'd never have to see him again.
The school year has started again. I'm resigned to treating him cordially at club meetings because I don't have the right to kick him out (nor do I expect to) but I'd prefer to continue never seeing him again.
Well he showed up to my apartment again last night and I was home this time. I looked up with a quick casual sort of "oh hey" but otherwise ignored him in favor of my computer because I had better things to do. I didn't even hear what he and my aptmate were talking about because I was listening to music through my headphones. Anyways, he sat on the couch doing nothing for a while, and when I risked turning around 15 minutes later he was actually asleep. He woke up and left about 15 minutes after that.
I finally figured out that I'm scared from not knowing if or when he's going to pop up and what he's going to do then, but I'd be okay with an pre-arranged meeting on neutral territory (school campus) where we talk about whatever the **** he keeps wanting to talk about and thus reach some sort of closure, after which I'd never have to deal with this again. So I sent him an email.
SpoilerDo you want to talk? We can arrange a meeting on campus for next week. Because right now you're acting like a stalker, aka a potential rapist, and it's uncomfortable to say the least. The very least.
Stop coming to my apartment. My home is essentially the one place within a hundred miles where I have the comfort of personal safety and security, and you are threatening even that. That whatever you don't even have the balls to be upfront about is more important than respecting that I do not like you and have already said as much. I know you've come by at least twice while I was out, although you only asked for me once.
I am fine with being a casual acquaintance and fellow club member, but your behavior is quickly turning that into active dislike.
His response doesn't quite reassure me.
Spoiler<Ceric>, I just want to say how happy I am to see you again. I can't explain why I came to see you, I just came from from serving at a Kyudu's dinner at the arc and regretted that there was a little bit of time to see you at the arc.
Please I feel very sorry that you feel apprehensive and I thank you for this message. I promise to only see you on campus.
Everything in his response is something I did not want to hear. I don't want him to be happy to see me. We haven't had any sort of conversation for the last 5 months; yet he's made happy by looking at me? Did he admit that he did come to the apartment just to see me? Just to look at me? (I am considering the idea that English may not be his first language and that the signals I'm picking up are not the ones he means to send. His conversational English is fine but his written grammar has never been perfect, as far as I can tell.) Frankly, I don't want to meet him on campus or anywhere else. I'm only doing it because I thought the alternative was worse. I want one arranged meeting only if it's the only way to end this and then I want nothing else.
I don't know how to deal with this anymore. A very large part of me wants to be selfish and act like a b**** and forcefully drive him away; a slightly smaller part of me wants to continue running away and avoiding him. I'm being very mean to him, since he's in love and that's not his fault, but everything afterwards is and I don't want to deal with it. A small part of me wants to be nice to him but I'm quickly running out of patience for that. I could if it'll help end this but it's not my first resort.
I'm sure I'm doing everything wrong and I'm sorry and I accept that. But I don't know what to do next
tl;dr How to tell a lovesick stalker I'm not interested and gtfo?
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2012-08-17, 05:28 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2008
- Location
- UK
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
I think you've made enough effort to be nice to the guy and let him down gently but it hasn't sunk in. I know what its like to be that guy though and if I'm honest the only way it finally got through to me was when one of her friends told me that I was "freaking her out and being a creep" and then in no uncertain terms told me to stay the f*** away from her.
I most definitely took the hint after that. I think I ran into my former obsession about 3 or 4 times after that after a gap of several months and the affection I felt for her had most definitely gone.
So I know it's going to be hard for you, because you seem to be a good natured person but in this case you will have to be cruel. A first step could be to have your friends act as a social firewall. Second step would be discussing things with his family to see if they can knock some sense into the guy. Third and last resort would be the police and a restraining order.
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2012-08-17, 06:02 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2008
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
*sigh*
And this right after the talk about creepiness. It's uncanny.
You've done all you're expected to do, in that your letter told him that he's way over the line. Your obligations as a girlfriend ended when you told him that things were over, and your obligation as a person were fulfilled when you spoke up and he refused to listen.
Like Succubus said, your next step is to have friends run interference for you. They are not to allow him in. If they see him settling into the area, they're to tell him that he's creeping you out, and to give you your space. It's totally understandable that he's still holding a torch for you, but interacting with him just reinforces that. This far out, if he's not going to come to his senses, you have to block him out.
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2012-08-17, 06:14 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2006
- Gender
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2012-08-17, 06:51 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2007
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
that made me lol.. my life doesn't revolve around music but it's still something I like..and it's never happened to me that someone who I was involved with came to me AFTERWARDS asking what kind of music I like.. I mean.. I'm pretty sure they'd know, by then.
I'd say use your friends as a buffer and see what happens then..maybe have a common friend give him the talk Succubus got...
admittedly, you, your roommate and him all being in the same club is going to make logistics a bit of a bitch..it plays in his favour and he can always claim that he's meeting your friend..or that he's bumping into you by accident or for club related things.
on the other hand.. being in the same club is also making it extra hard for him to let go, probably
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2012-08-17, 07:01 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2008
- Location
- UK
- Gender
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2012-08-17, 07:11 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2007
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
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2012-08-17, 01:06 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2008
- Location
- GMT -8:00
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
(Me, a good-natured person? Haha. People keep telling me that. Maybe I should belive them. I actually have a really sadistic streak that I'm usually good at keeping under control.)
Some comments are similar so I may have responded under someone else's instead of yours.
1) Yeah, I'm definitely telling my aptmates that I told him to stay away from the apartment and that he agreed. They already know I'm having these troubles, obviously, since they're present when he comes over and we discussed it after he left recently. 2) I don't know his family well. I've been introduced to his sister once, who goes to the same school and shares an apartment with him, but he wanted to hide that he was in a relationship. (We're in college and he gave himself a curfew and did things like pretending to be asleep in the middle of talking to me on the phone so that his sister wouldn't find out... wtfff ) I can contact her somehow if he still doesn't stop, but I personally dislike ratting people out >> 3) And police... yeah, last resort.
Thank you for second paragraph A combination of bad social skills and self-esteem means I'm never sure that what I'm doing is the right thing to do. Seeing it in clear-cut terms like that is extremely helpful.
Block him out... shall do.
I told him he was a potential rapist and he didn't seem deterred. Next I'm going with "no, really, gtfo of my life".
Exactly!
Yeah. Of the 5 people in the apartment, 3 of us (including me) are in this same club. (That's how we met and decided to live together.) But he never came by at all before we started dating so I think I can safely assume he only comes to visit me.
I'm okay with seeing him, saying a quick casual hi, and ignoring him for the rest of the time when I see him at places that I expect to see him, like club meetings. Or even unexpectedly seeing him at semi-expected places, such as on campus by genuine accident, and saying a quick hi before immediately leaving. I don't want him popping up out of nowhere and then staying.
He just finished his 5th year of college so I was hoping he'd graduate and leave, but apparently not :/
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2012-08-17, 01:09 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2007
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
*hugs for Ceric* Had friends in a similar situation to yours, I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Here's hoping it gets...resolved quickly. *nods*
Cobra Avatar by the lovely Miss Nobody.
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2012-08-17, 01:20 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2008
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Because I think this deserves to be underlined and bolded. If somebody makes you feel uncomfortable, you can and should tell them. Decent people who goofed will understand and step back. People who don't are sending a very clear signal how much respect they have for you and your opinions.
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2012-08-17, 03:11 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2005
- Location
- Santa Barbara, CA
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
[QUOTE=Ceric;137439913) And police... yeah, last resort.
:/[/QUOTE]
Just in case this does come up you will want to save those emails, also be sure to note the dates of when he came round. That kind of thing. A well documented problem is much more likely to get a solution via the cops if you are driven to that point. Also by the time you get to that point you may not be "well" emotionally. And working on it now when you are calmer helps more. Also a quick chat with the campus police about what your options are may help. Also if things get worse but you are not ready to go to the cops you may want to talk to your landlord about getting him banned from the complex which would allow you the safty of your own home at least (or he gets to spend the night in jail for criminal traspass)
Best of luck.
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2012-08-17, 04:32 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2008
- Location
- Xin-Shalast
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Well, it sounds like since this is a guy at university that contacting the appropriate department at the university for assistance in this matter may be part of your next steps.
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2012-08-17, 05:29 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2008
- Location
- GMT -8:00
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Thank you for the support, everyone. It really means a lot to me
I do have a sort of diary system, which is where I got the exact dates of the emails from (not to mention that I have the emails themselves). I'll sort through that and store it in a more concise format. I'm also looking into university services now, and I replied to his email (in much harsher language).
Spoiler"Perhaps you don't realize how creepy and disgusting "I just want to say how happy I am to see you again.... I can't explain why I came to see you" is. We have not had any real conversation for the last 5 months and yet you still acquire pleasure from looking at me. That's disgusting. I only wanted to arrange a meeting - not meet up, but arrange a mutually agreed-upon meeting on neutral territory within a specified time frame - because I thought it might bring some sort of closure. If you have nothing you want to say to me, then I am perfectly happy with and would even prefer skipping that step so that I never have to see you again. I cannot kick you out of wushu club, nor do I expect the right to do so, but I will be ignoring you when such occurs and I advise that you do the same."Last edited by Ceric; 2012-08-17 at 05:38 PM.
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2012-08-17, 10:51 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2012
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
For the longest time, I liked this girl, and yet I never did anything about it. I still kick myself everyday for not doing anything, even it's been...8 months since she moved...
Any advice for "moving on", so to speak?
I hope this is the right thread to post this in...
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2012-08-17, 11:01 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2008
- Location
- Xin-Shalast
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
It's too bad that you've got that club in common, otherwise you'd be completely in the clear for telling him to completely desist any and all contact in no uncertain terms, Ceric. :/ Also, awkward.
Daemonhawk: Right thread, though the question is one of the oens that is hard to answer and varies from person to person, haha. x.x
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2012-08-17, 11:06 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2008
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Ceric: Sending that was probably a mistake. Don't get caught up in long conversation about how you're not going to interact with him. I think you can see the flaw in that thinking.
(Which is not to say you should feel bad about having done so. In fact, I'm explicitly telling you not to beat yourself up over it. Just so you know for the future how the whole "hooked on being around you" thing goes, and how not to feed into it.)
Daemonhawk: You're kicking yourself right now for not having the balls to make a move when she was around. Save some of those kicks for letting yourself sit around doing nothing for eight months while she's been out of the picture. Go out, interact, and make a move so you have an actual story to come back with. You see what happens when you avoid doing things.
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2012-08-17, 11:35 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2008
- Location
- GMT -8:00
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Coidzor and Reluctance, thank you for pointing that out. He's actually already replied to it, is feeling terrible and confused that I hate him so much when he doesn't hate me at all, and is sorry for whatever it is that he did that caused it, as well as offering to explain himself to any questions I may want to ask him. I was torn between explaining myself and just dropping it as is... I guess I'll do the latter.
(See? I'm not good-natured. Warned y'all Not beating myself up, Reluctance, just... reining it in for next time.)