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    smile Personal Woes and Advice 2

    It makes a difference to be able to turn to others on this forum for advice, compassion, and support when things are difficult. This is a unique community where friendship, kindness, and acceptance are the rule. Hurtful behavior is rare. When it does occur it is never tolerated, and the staff seek to prevent it from recurring, whether it was caused by a lapse in judgement or intentional cruelty.

    It is therefore with great pleasure that I share with you the new rules that will allow friends on this forum to continue to help each other out and to maintain the bonds that grow when friends share their troubles.

    I would like to emphasize that these rules are not mine, although I agree with them. The rules were the effort of the entire Giant in the Playground staff, who recognize the need for friends to share their troubles. It was hard work, and they deserve our thanks.

    Part of the definition of friendship is the sharing of troubles. That is the goal of this thread: to share our problems in a way that strengthens our community. The new rules are devised to make this possible.

    Please carefully read what follows:

    THE RULES FOR THE PERSONAL WOES AND ADVICE THREAD

    The Personal Woes and Advice thread is a place to discuss our daily troubles and seek advice on minor personal matters that get us down. For serious depression or mental health issues, please seek help from a professional.

    Like many other threads here on GitP, we've got a number of rules to help set the tone and head off issues likely to arise in this kind of thread. Please read them carefully and follow them.

    1. Of course, follow the Forum Rules. If you haven't read them recently (or ever - *gasp*), you should do so now. And giving them another read before you post something particularly emotionally charged or contentious might also be a good idea. Most relevant to this thread is the rule:



    2. This thread is not for the treatment of or the discussion of the treatment of serious depression or mental health issues. Someone posting about those issues or seeking what would seem to call for licensed professional mental health advice should be referred to seek such advice. When in doubt, limit your response to friendly support and a suggestion to seek real world professional help. Think before you offer advice about how to be friendly, supportive, and not offer advice better left to a licensed professional in a professional setting.

    3. Feel free to post here to share your feelings, vent, and request advice. It's perfectly fine if you just want to share or commiserate. If you want advice, ask; if you specifically don't want advice, just say so. If you want to be contacted via PM, say so; if not, say that.

    4. Romantic issues are probably better discussed in the Relationship Woes and Advice thread.

    5. No problem is too small or insignificant. If it's bothering you, feel free to share. People should refrain from weighing or comparing their problems to other people's problems. Minimizing someone's problems or comparing your problems to theirs isn't helpful or friendly. Please don't do that.

    6. This is advice that you are getting from friends over the internet. Take it with a grain of salt. This advice is not professional, nor is it always the best.

    7. If you feel you are not receiving the help you need, or deem yourself a danger to yourself and/or others, seek professional help immediately!

    8. Prescribing medication is something that requires multiple licenses. Please don't do that here or expect others to do that here. If you are on medication and find them not working or not working properly, call your doctor immediately.

    9. Please, never suggest to someone that they harm themselves or others.

    10. Remember, it is not your job to "fix" anyone here and it is not a requirement for posting here that a person wants to be, or wants their problem to be, "fixed."

    And finally: Please remember your safety before posting any personal information or before giving or accepting any support. The following site provides some useful internet safety guidance for adults.

    Original quote by MonkeyBusiness
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    PW:A 2 - Twice as Nice for Advice!
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    Succubus gets grongratulatory cookies from me. You have stepped into the realm of puns that only the likes of Death, Your Friend the Reaper have seen.

    Posting schedule likely to be erratic for the next few weeks - sorting out some personal stuff.

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    *yowls*

    Erm...yeah, we'll go with that. Can't really explain...
    Last edited by WarKitty; 2012-04-16 at 08:57 AM.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    So I missed the first incarnation of this thread. This thread also seems more fitting the the RW&A for most of my problems.
    Edit: Or maybe this should be in the normal Relationship thread? I'm never quite sure as its not directly about relationships, but it isn't not about them either. Since its not really about finding or keeping a specific friend and the other thread always very much leans that way.

    I don't think I post around here enough for anyone to remember my problems so I'll try to give some context.

    I'm very much an introvert and I'm not that talkative with everyone. I've also been talking about this some with real friends.
    And I'm sure this will get long and rambling as I try to fit in context and say what I want to say. Or I might just keep it really short.

    The overview is that in many cases the more I do with other people the lonelier I get. I feel more alone in a group of people then I do sitting at home being actually alone.
    The main reason is that it demonstrates how poorly I'm able to interact with other people. It really bothers me to see my friends act and seem more comfortable with people they've just meet (some very extrovert friends, and at least with the newest center of the issue only a friend for about 3 months now, and a woman but it was pretty clear dating wasn't going to go anywhere with us but we're friends now, but it also happens with quite a few other friends) then they are with me. Its both physically (hugging, casual contact sort of stuff) and conversationally, they seem more involved in interacting with everyone but me.
    I know conversationally I just never know what to talk about and casual conversation is just not natural to me. And physically I'm... not uncomfortable with it, but I'm not confident in it either, and I know it at least subconsciously comes across. In fact I really want more of it, I want to get more used to it and get better at it but because I'm not already comfortable with it people avoid it with me and it just makes the problem worse. Sort of a self-replicating problem loop. Even me trying to initiate it myself doesn't work, with the side effect of me feeling like I'm imposing myself on others after a little while.

    The other part of it is people tell me I need to "relax" and "loosen up" and I have no idea what they expect from me when they say that. As I feel plenty relaxed already and don't know what they expect me to do differently.

    All of the problems seem to be self-repeating, that the fix for them is to not have them in the first place. And that trying to change myself is incredibly difficult in the first place and made all the harder by the (mostly unconsciously done I think) negative feedback I get from others by trying to act differently. It doesn't help that I'm about 10-15 years past the awkward teenage/college days where most people go through this so it seems more out of place and unexpected. Also at least one of the friends I'm trying to get help from for this is so extroverted that I don't think they can relate to the problem at all, but is also the only person locally I feel like I can talk to and has the best opportunity to actually help me with it.
    Last edited by Erloas; 2012-04-16 at 12:51 PM.

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    *Groan* I do not have a good feeling about this. One of my classes has a group project, a poster presentation, due next week. I did terribly on the first paper but very well on the second; I have an 89.5 in the class right now so I can get an A, but only if I get As on the rest of the assignments. On the last paper, the one I did well on, my two lab partners came running to me for the data at 10:30 the night before it was due and only started the paper that night, instead of working on it over spring break like a responsible person would (which I guess makes me responsible).

    Since this poster is a group project, you can see why I was a bit nervous. I suggested yesterday that we all meet in the library for a couple of hours to work on it. Neither of them showed up. At least one of my partners had the decency to tell me she had gotten started on her part and wouldn't be able to show up. The other partner texted me incoherent and likely drunken responses every time I asked when or if he was coming. Instead of working on this group poster project, he got drunk. All day Sunday. And then texted me a half-hearted apology at 9:40 PM. I'm going to have a few...words...with him tomorrow in lab.

    EDIT: Oh, and I was assigned these partners. And if he skives on his work, I'm going to make it very, very clear to the teachers that he did not contribute to the poster.
    Last edited by CoffeeIncluded; 2012-04-16 at 11:49 AM.

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Just going to repost this here, since it got lost in the switch to the new thread
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    I just find that I am unable to deal with negative things, panic immediately and go into a sort of defensive mode which often results in me getting angry. I am pushing people away like that and I can't control my anger or panic attacks
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Eadin View Post
    Just going to repost this here, since it got lost in the switch to the new thread
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    I just find that I am unable to deal with negative things, panic immediately and go into a sort of defensive mode which often results in me getting angry. I am pushing people away like that and I can't control my anger or panic attacks
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    Anger Management and/or therapy should help
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Meh, shouldn't post this when there's people with actual problems needing attention, but whatever. :/
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    I feel like I'm always going to be alone. I know, I keep pestering you with that same old crap, but every time, the result is always the same:
    -I try something to escape depression
    -I get hope
    -I use that hope for a person/goal
    -The other person/goal is unattainable or rejects me
    -The hope was a waste of time

    Every time, I'm shot down. Few even have the courtesy to shoot me down, preferring to just ignore me until I disappear. Just the other day, on a dating-like site, I had the courage to say hi to a woman. After a little chatting, I had to leave, but she said she'd love to chat with me again. Next time I'm on, she's deleted her account and gone. Just my luck, right? That was a big waste of time and certainly doesn't help me in thinking positively when I'm showed once again that it was fruitless.

    Why even have hope? It never goes anywhere. If I do well at Uni, sooner or later, it's gonna be completely undermined by a crippling error or 20. If I ask someone out, they're going to either reject me or ignore me until I leave in shame. If I make art that I'm happy with, and want to show people, no-one will bother to give it a look, and even if they do, they won't comment or critique.

    What's the point? I'm obviously not worth anyone's attention. Then of course people will rush in to remind me I have plenty of friends. That's all well and good, but it's not much of a comfort to know the people who care are people I'll never reach or have any sort of closer contact with.

    I know.... "This bad mood will pass, Skep". I know. I also know it'll come back though in full force just like every other time. Why bother caring when I have no-one to turn to.....no-one to cuddle... and no-one to love.
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    @ Coffee:

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    This isn't the first time you've had this problem, is it? I vaguely recall that you had another freeloader on an earlier project of yours. I can't help but wonder whether someone's playing a game here of sorts. Whether the teachers are hoping that by working with a good student like you, that you'll somehow motivate Captain Slacker to get off his backside and do some work. The other possibility which leaves a deeply cynical taste in my mouth is that the teachers *know* Captain Slacker is a screw up and *have* to put him with a good student in order to get his sorry self a passing grade of some sort.

    My advice would be to keep an exact record of all that he says and contributes to the group and work more with the other person that seems to be making an effort. Then if he has the nerve to kick up a fuss, simply show the teachers the record of his contributions (including the texts) and they will have no choice but to do something.

    @Erloas:

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    Seems like you picked the right thread to me, as I think this more of a personal deal for you rather than a relationship one. You've recognised the problems quite accurately and seem to be approaching them with a certain distance as well, which is good as it keeps things in perspective. You mention an extrovert friend that you get along quite well with - I think you'd do well to spend more time with this person as they're slowly helping to bring you out of your shell. I think the trick here is to focus on having a small group of close friends - people you can feel comfortable around and trust. While in school/college we all hope to have thousands and thousands of friends, as time wears on you tend to drift away from most of them and those people you truly count as friends will be with you for years to come. I'm only in contact with a couple of guys I used to go to school with but I've known them for about 25 years now (I'm 30) but I think of them as my brothers almost. So in a nutshell, work on improving the bonds you have and don't fret so much about forging new ones.
    @ Eadin:

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    Hmmm. I went through a phase of this myself when I got my first job as a student Audiologist. I had a hell of a lot riding on me - it was my first proper job from college, my parents had been crowing about how proud of me they were, blah, blah.

    This didn't help. Not one bit. What happened was that I became horribly afraid of failing. Every time my boss called me into her office I was mortally terrified that she was going to fire me or start shouting - it sent my brain into the most horrific spiral of depression and I wasn't exactly Mr Sunshine to begin with...What happened was that I became "lazy", for want of a better word. I knew that if I attempted something, I'd fail and people would be upset/angry with me and so it was safer not to attempt in the first place and that's when I felt the same as you did - panic attacks, snapping at anyone that put even the smallest pressure on me to do something, even if it was just meeting up on the weekend.

    Do you think it could be tied to a source of stress somewhere or is it something else?


    @ Skeppio:

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dallas-Dakota View Post
    Succubus gets grongratulatory cookies from me. You have stepped into the realm of puns that only the likes of Death, Your Friend the Reaper have seen.

    Posting schedule likely to be erratic for the next few weeks - sorting out some personal stuff.

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Skeppio: You can't rely on other people to be your happiness. It will not work and when they leave, you will be back to square 1. You must be your happiness.

    "My Hobby: Replacing your soap with gravy" by rtg0922, Doll and Clint "Rawhide" Eastwood by Sneak

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Rawhide View Post
    Skeppio: You can't rely on other people to be your happiness. It will not work and when they leave, you will be back to square 1. You must be your happiness.
    I cannot fathom how that can work. Be my own happiness? If I'm still alone and lonely and everything, what point is there in being happy? It benefits no-one. And in that sense, it doesn't benefit me, because I know there's no purpose for it.

    Simply put: I can't operate in a state of loneliness and isolation.
    Last edited by Skeppio; 2012-04-17 at 07:33 AM.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    This is one of the first Secrets in my Playground Post Secret thingy:

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    Seems relevant...

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Hi everyone. I've been having difficulties lately. I wish it wasn't such an issue during exams...

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    I've always had an issue with trying to move on from past arguments, mistakes, or incidents I was involved in; however I've had a lot of difficulty lately trying to move on from a certain one that has happened about over a month ago. Every now and then I end up feeling like I'm completely over it, and then the next I'm in despair over the past issue. My mood swings in opposite directions frequently over this matter and it's been something I'm trying to get over, but have been unable to for awhile. I don't really have anyone to talk about it. My younger brother doesn't understand and my parents are rarely around due to full-time work, so I guess I've come to talk about it here if that's alright.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    What's the mistake, argument or incident?

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Skeppio View Post
    I cannot fathom how that can work. Be my own happiness? If I'm still alone and lonely and everything, what point is there in being happy? It benefits no-one. And in that sense, it doesn't benefit me, because I know there's no purpose for it.

    Simply put: I can't operate in a state of loneliness and isolation.
    I didn't say that you have to be alone, I said that you cannot rely on someone else to be your happiness. Your post indicates that you're looking for someone else to pull you out of your slump. Stop. Forget about it. Only you can pull yourself out. Trained professionals can help, and appropriate medication may be necessary, but only you can pull yourself out. You cannot expect someone you haven't met yet to magically change things for you. You need to do that first, then go looking for someone to spend time with.

    "My Hobby: Replacing your soap with gravy" by rtg0922, Doll and Clint "Rawhide" Eastwood by Sneak

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Serpentine View Post
    What's the mistake, argument or incident?
    It was an argument, I bowed out before it became an incident or something worse. It was mostly a clash of ideas and opinions, probably misunderstandings too.

    ...Okay it's more than that if I'm going to be specific, but that's the general, loose, explanation in a sentence.
    Exams are finished! Posting shall resume shortly.

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    Starsign:
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    I've tended to dwell on the particulars of conversations and events for entirely too long and worried about what I said and did.
    What I have found is that in reality most people really don't make nearly as big of a deal out of what you've said/done as you do. There are of course exceptions, but from the sounds of what you've written you didn't say or do anything really bad, just something you regret. Its probably not nearly as big of a deal for them as it is for you.
    What I have also found, is that it is easier to simply talk to the person about it and get it over with. If they are a good friend they will talk about it, and from the sounds of it it wasn't anything to get them to instantly hate you anyway.
    I've ended up saying quite a bit to friends which I really questioned whether or not I should have said, and the friends that are worth having have always still been there and have accepted me still.


    Skeppio: (but also saying a lot about myself)
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    The whole feeling lonely thing and how I handled it has put me in the situation I'm in now. Of course there were a lot of secondary aspects to how and why I handled it the way I did and I'm sure there are a lot of different ones for you as well. Since I don't know them I'll just tell you a bit of what I did and what I have learned since.
    First, although sometimes it seems impossible, happiness and loneliness are *not* mutually exclusive. They are not opposites. The hardest part here is that not being happy makes it much less likely for people to be friendlier and more open with you, I don't think its intentional or even consciously done. But if you feel bad about yourself it sort of makes the problem worse, the hardest part by far is figuring out how to break out of that loop... and its what I'm still trying to figure out myself.

    I think the biggest mistake I made in dealing with being lonely is that I started ignoring or even coming to resent some of the people and activities that I liked because they couldn't help me be less lonely. And in the activities side of things I felt they were making me unappealing, when in reality they were only unappealing to people that wouldn't like me anyway and that someone that would accept me would accept me if I was doing them or not.

    What I have also come to realize over the years, and this took entirely too long for me to figure out, is that having good friends are much more important then having a relationship. And it can be hard to know ahead of time who is going to be a good friend and who isn't. One of my best friends now I had actually known for years but didn't take the opportunity to make her a real friend until last year. Another person that has became a good friend I'm really surprised about because we have nothing in common and are about as opposite as two people can be but still for some reason we are friends. The three people I like the most are all women but are all unavailable to me for various reasons (and I don't see that changing with any of them), the irony about it is that I'm both happier and more lonely when I get to hang out with any of them (rare for 2/3 as they are 1000 and 2000 miles away). I know 4-5 years ago I would have dismissed/ignored/not bothered keeping in contact with the most recent two because they were unavailable, but I realize now how stupid that would be.

    What I have also learned from them is that I can make a mistake, or 20, and they will still be my friends. What this also means is that I can make mistakes with other people and, if they are worth the effort, they will still be there after the mistakes. The "if they are worth the effort" is the key though, there will be a lot of people that aren't worth the effort, and its actually hard to tell who those people are until you've made the mistakes and find out if they are still around or not afterwards.

    I don't know if any of that is any real help. But the main point is that you have to be happy with what you DO have and keep looking. The worse thing you can do (which is what I did) is to stop looking, stop trying, and shut yourself away from anything that makes you feel lonely.

    As an aside, I would also recommend exercise. It really is a cure-all for so many problems. It will make you feel better in many ways. It will also give you more opportunities to meet other people. And making yourself feel better will also make others feel better about you.

    myself:
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    Take what I said to Skeppio and read what is implied there in. And note that its much easier to realize what I need to do then to be able to do it myself. I'm pretty sure I know what my problems are, I think I know what I need to do to fix them, but at times I'm still having an incredibly difficult time actually doing it.

    I've found a few times when my social problems seem to just vanish and I do great with other people. Its really inconsistent though and not something I can replicate. Even the same people on different days it sort of comes and goes.

    Like last night I meet the new instructor at the gym and I talked to her a decent amount. I know some of it was having obvious context of what to talk about, but there is more to it then that... I just can't really recognize what all was different. So I don't really know what to do to replicate that later.

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    Quote Originally Posted by The Succubus View Post
    @ Coffee:

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    This isn't the first time you've had this problem, is it? I vaguely recall that you had another freeloader on an earlier project of yours. I can't help but wonder whether someone's playing a game here of sorts. Whether the teachers are hoping that by working with a good student like you, that you'll somehow motivate Captain Slacker to get off his backside and do some work. The other possibility which leaves a deeply cynical taste in my mouth is that the teachers *know* Captain Slacker is a screw up and *have* to put him with a good student in order to get his sorry self a passing grade of some sort.

    My advice would be to keep an exact record of all that he says and contributes to the group and work more with the other person that seems to be making an effort. Then if he has the nerve to kick up a fuss, simply show the teachers the record of his contributions (including the texts) and they will have no choice but to do something.
    Oh believe me, I'm keeping an exact record. I've got all the texts saved, I'm making a chart of who said they'd do a part of the project versus who actually did it, I'm going to very meticulous on it. And no, we were grouped together randomly.

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by The Succubus View Post
    @ Eadin:

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    Hmmm. I went through a phase of this myself when I got my first job as a student Audiologist. I had a hell of a lot riding on me - it was my first proper job from college, my parents had been crowing about how proud of me they were, blah, blah.

    This didn't help. Not one bit. What happened was that I became horribly afraid of failing. Every time my boss called me into her office I was mortally terrified that she was going to fire me or start shouting - it sent my brain into the most horrific spiral of depression and I wasn't exactly Mr Sunshine to begin with...What happened was that I became "lazy", for want of a better word. I knew that if I attempted something, I'd fail and people would be upset/angry with me and so it was safer not to attempt in the first place and that's when I felt the same as you did - panic attacks, snapping at anyone that put even the smallest pressure on me to do something, even if it was just meeting up on the weekend.

    Do you think it could be tied to a source of stress somewhere or is it something else?
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    My school is not going well, and my family expects a lot from me. A friend I care deeply about is sinking further into depression and growing more colder and distant by the minute and I can't seem to help them, they fade away from me.
    It seems I am unable to do anything I really wish to do.
    I have come to hate myself for not being good enough for those I care about..
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    Today I started testing Ritalin for my ADHD, since all other tests didn't show any signs for other physical or mental problems. Took the first one 15 minutes ago and now anticipating if I will notice any effects.

    Also, the IQ test I took among many other indicated an IQ of 134. I'm not sure if it was a complete test and based on what standard, but that'd be roughly entrance level for Mensa, which I think is pretty cool.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eadin View Post
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    My school is not going well, and my family expects a lot from me. A friend I care deeply about is sinking further into depression and growing more colder and distant by the minute and I can't seem to help them, they fade away from me.
    It seems I am unable to do anything I really wish to do.
    I have come to hate myself for not being good enough for those I care about..
    *hugs*

    You're putting way too much pressure on yourself, sweetie. Between the expectations of your friend, your family and your own self, no wonder it's getting to you.

    If it's okay, can you tell me a little more about each individual bit:

    @School

    @Friend

    @Family

    It'll be easier to come up with a solution if you break it down into different bits. Helping someone with depression is hard because even the most cheerful person in the world will have trouble coping. One thing you have to do hun is set aside time for yourself and give your brain a chance to recharge. It doesn't matter how you do this, whether its gaming, reading, listening to music or even just getting a week of early nights to top up your sleep. But you have to do this. You won't be able to help your friend if you're feeling blue yourself.

    With the other two, treat what goes on at school as your own affair. The time you set aside to do the coursework and what not is time *you* want to set aside - not because your teachers expect it, not because your folks expect it but because you want to cross off a little bit of work from your to-do list. The other thing is, if you're feeling stressed at school, the people that will most likely be able to help are your teachers, rather than your parents. Better yet, if you have a couple of friends doing the same courses as you, organise homework nights together. Get some drinks and some nibbles and then do some work together for just a couple of hours and follow it up with a movie or something afterwards.

    The point is, I reckon you'll find you can do the work a lot more easily without a whole bunch of folk breathing down your neck.



    @Yora

    It's been a while since you've posted here which I'm going to take as an encouraging sign. I hope the new medication works out for you.
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    Posting schedule likely to be erratic for the next few weeks - sorting out some personal stuff.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Yora View Post
    Also, the IQ test I took among many other indicated an IQ of 134. I'm not sure if it was a complete test and based on what standard, but that'd be roughly entrance level for Mensa, which I think is pretty cool.
    First, Mensa entrance isn't based on the IQ score, as it's different for every test, but based on the percentile. You need to be in the 98th or higher percentile (higher than 98% of the population, aka top 2%).

    Mensa also doesn't accept every test. What test did you do and what percentile score did you get?

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    So...graduate school. Grr.

    The thing is, I really am in a place where I have to be perfect. I know that sounds silly, but it's true. I'm in a hugely competitive field where maybe only a third to a quarter of us who start here will finish. Given that there's such an overwhelmingly greater number of candidates than spots, any weakness is a reason to reject someone. Not to mention that impressions really do matter here - how good of an impression you make can literally determine whether you have a chance.

    And I'm effectively stuck trying to stay at the top while managing multiple health problems. I'm tired of it. I'm not being seen for my skills, I'm being seen for my health problems. I'm not even getting a chance to address my health problems, because my work/school takes up so much time and energy, but my job is tied to my staying in school, and there's really just not much else available that would pay the bills.

    I'd be happy if I could compete fairly. Even if I lost. What I'm not happy about is losing based on perfectly treatable, temporary issues that could be addressed if I could just find the time and money without having it all sucked away.
    Last edited by WarKitty; 2012-04-20 at 10:44 AM.
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    So, I've tried dealing with an identity crisis of sort, but this time, I don't know what to make of it.
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    I'm Jewish through my late father (which should not actually make me Jewish at all given the way it works, I know). He hated his family (and turned that hate into antisemitism), and as a result, didn't introduce me to Jewish culture or anything related. Whenever I would visit his family, I wasn't able to understand most of these cultural references, which widened the gap between us (probably led them to think I was a terrible cousin/niece and act on their greed later without remorse, but that's another story for another time). I only regret it today because it made me unable to relate to my grandmother (a very Jewish woman who barely escaped the Shoah and lost all her family in the process); much like my father, I don't want anything to do with his side of my family anymore.
    Also, I'm atheist. All of this should mean that I am not Jewish.
    However, whenever I hear an antisemitic joke, I'm hurt and feel personally insulted. Whenever Jews are targeted by racists, I'm afraid for my well-being, because I know that these people don't really care about my beliefs or culture, only about my last name and origins. I don't actively describe myself as Jewish, and yet, I take personally all the negativity.

    The Jewish identity is a complex thing, more complex than most other religions where your faith is the only important factor, and more complex than most ethnicities, where genealogy, and sometimes looks, are clearly the determining characteristics. That much I've been told by several sources. Doesn't help a lot.

    So, basically, I only seem to identify as Jewish on a subconscious level when I can be offended by things. That can't be right. I want to separate myself from that identity, as I am not a believer, and I'm not particularly interested by it, but I don't know how to do it. There's nothing I do that can be tied to it (I did research WWII, because my grandmother, who's still living, was directly affected by it). Well, I'd like to visit my grandmother sometime, but I really don't want to risk meeting her descendants again, or have her reveal anything about me; can't get closure through her or assure her I haven't forgotten her. Yes, I know, I'm a terrible granddaughter. Maybe my dilemma is linked to that situation.

    TL;DR: not a big issue, but a chronic one.
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    There hadn't been any new developments except for doing more tests before getting the results today. Since there's lots that indicates to ADHD and we pretty much ruled out anything else that would commonly create the same symptoms, we're now checking if ADHD medication does the job. If it does, then it's probably the cause. If it doesn't work, we'll have to start looking for more exotic causes. But I am quite confident.
    Quote Originally Posted by Rawhide View Post
    First, Mensa entrance isn't based on the IQ score, as it's different for every test, but based on the percentile. You need to be in the 98th or higher percentile (higher than 98% of the population, aka top 2%).

    Mensa also doesn't accept every test. What test did you do and what percentile score did you get?
    I actually don't care at all for Intelligence tests and just looking at them always makes me doubt the methodology. Also smartness doesn't work that way. I just made an online test for fun, which got me 121, which would put me in the top 8%, while 134 would be in the top 1,2%. When I was 13 or so, I made one that got 104, which would be the top 40%. Yay! You'd probably have to make a dozen or so tests based on different standards and then average the results to get a somewhat clear final result. And even that just tells you how good you are at the tasks the tests are made of.
    And yeah, having another accute phase of snarkiness today, Mensa is a stupid club. There are people who have special needs because they develop so much faster than other children that makes it difficult to aquire proper social skills and integrate socially, but I think that's a lot less people than the top 2%. They don't need support groups.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yora View Post
    I actually don't care at all for Intelligence tests and just looking at them always makes me doubt the methodology. Also smartness doesn't work that way. I just made an online test for fun, which got me 121, which would put me in the top 8%, while 134 would be in the top 1,2%. When I was 13 or so, I made one that got 104, which would be the top 40%. Yay! You'd probably have to make a dozen or so tests based on different standards and then average the results to get a somewhat clear final result. And even that just tells you how good you are at the tasks the tests are made of.
    And yeah, having another accute phase of snarkiness today, Mensa is a stupid club. There are people who have special needs because they develop so much faster than other children that makes it difficult to aquire proper social skills and integrate socially, but I think that's a lot less people than the top 2%. They don't need support groups.
    You could have an IQ of 147 and not be in the top 2%, or you could have an IQ of 130 and be in the top 2%. The IQ score you quoted is absolutely meaningless unless you know the test.

    And yes, every IQ test has biases. Which is why Mensa delivers two different tests if you sit one of their sessions. You only need to get on the 98% percentile on one of them.

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    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    So...graduate school. Grr.

    The thing is, I really am in a place where I have to be perfect. I know that sounds silly, but it's true. I'm in a hugely competitive field where maybe only a third to a quarter of us who start here will finish. Given that there's such an overwhelmingly greater number of candidates than spots, any weakness is a reason to reject someone. Not to mention that impressions really do matter here - how good of an impression you make can literally determine whether you have a chance.

    And I'm effectively stuck trying to stay at the top while managing multiple health problems. I'm tired of it. I'm not being seen for my skills, I'm being seen for my health problems. I'm not even getting a chance to address my health problems, because my work/school takes up so much time and energy, but my job is tied to my staying in school, and there's really just not much else available that would pay the bills.

    I'd be happy if I could compete fairly. Even if I lost. What I'm not happy about is losing based on perfectly treatable, temporary issues that could be addressed if I could just find the time and money without having it all sucked away.
    I guess my whole frustration is that the system seems designed to "weed out" people who don't fit into narrow and often arbitrary standards, instead of providing support. Which means it's basically impossible with any sort of disability or extra stuff going on.
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    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    I guess my whole frustration is that the system seems designed to "weed out" people who don't fit into narrow and often arbitrary standards, instead of providing support. Which means it's basically impossible with any sort of disability or extra stuff going on.
    You know, most universities have a disability office. You should look into it and register with them, they can help you out with things (should you need them) like extensions, changing exam times, extra time in exams, getting an examination room all to yourself, reducing your workload, and putting you in contact with the right people to help you. Obviously you may not need all of those things, and they can usually do more than that, but those are some examples.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rawhide View Post
    You know, most universities have a disability office. You should look into it and register with them, they can help you out with things (should you need them) like extensions, changing exam times, extra time in exams, getting an examination room all to yourself, reducing your workload, and putting you in contact with the right people to help you. Obviously you may not need all of those things, and they can usually do more than that, but those are some examples.
    Honestly I don't think it'll help with my concerns. And I'm afraid to be considered disabled, because there's a significant attitude of "why would we take a disabled candidate when there are so many more clamoring to get in." Special treatment and all that. We don't even have exams at this level. Extra time on papers is easy to get, but it generates a backlog and I end up getting further behind. And a large part of my problem is that I miss all the stuff that's technically extra-curricular, but also completely necessary if you want to get anywhere. Plus I'm just so concerned about making a good impression, I want to "get top-quality work done", not just "get the work done." It's hard to explain if you've never been in that environment, but probably a majority of the determiners of who does or doesn't get to go on are in stuff that's not technically requirements.

    What I really need is a year off, but then I don't have anywhere to go.

    Edit: I actually tried that at undergrad. Lots of work and time wasted to get told "we can't do anything for you." It's not just that I don't need *all* those things, it's that none of the stuff I need seems to be on the list of what they address.
    Last edited by WarKitty; 2012-04-20 at 11:57 AM.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    I can understand why you would be afraid to be seen as "disabled", but honestly, the university doesn't care. Quite the contrary, they want to see you succeed and will usually do their absolute best to see you through and get you to the next level. Some even have special openings only for those with a disability, in order to allow those who would be excluded because of their disability, but otherwise meet the requirements, to gain entrance.

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