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  1. - Top - End - #481
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Rant goes here about how since I've got to uni I seem to be more sickly.

    Pretty much seems to coincide with me getting on the pill. Been through two varieties, possibly going to a 3rd soon.

    Damnit leg, be nice to me. And stop aching.

    And seriously, if I'm talking to the nice nurse on the NHS phoneline, please have the symptoms stay the same. It's not fun when I can't tell if it's my brain making symptoms or not.


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  2. - Top - End - #482
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    Quote Originally Posted by Castaras View Post
    Rant goes here about how since I've got to uni I seem to be more sickly.

    Pretty much seems to coincide with me getting on the pill. Been through two varieties, possibly going to a 3rd soon.

    Damnit leg, be nice to me. And stop aching.

    And seriously, if I'm talking to the nice nurse on the NHS phoneline, please have the symptoms stay the same. It's not fun when I can't tell if it's my brain making symptoms or not.


    raaagahghaghgghghggfghgghgghghgghh.
    *hugs*...I hope you feel better soon. Dealing with side effects on medication you really, really want to be taking always sucks. >.<
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  3. - Top - End - #483
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    My best friend threw a bachelor party last night. It was timed specifically to fit my work schedule (I work offshore).
    I had to cover for a guy who quit, so I had to spend an extra week here. I couldn't be in the party.
    I feel terrible. My friends are mentioning how it was "The most epic night, never to be told." and instead of being happy for them, I'm angry at my boss for forcing me to stay, mad at myself for accepting it, sad about how I really needed this extra money... I just feel bad, I guess.
    This is very small compared to the actual problems you guys have there, but I don't know, I guess I just had to rant a little. My apologies.

  4. - Top - End - #484
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    I hate how absolutely everywhere now has the "we can't let anyone give out any advice about mental health, because you should be seeing someone instead." Have any of these people actually tried to see someone? It takes upwards of a year to get to a position where a mental health person can see you and know enough to be helpful. And that's if you're lucky and live in an area where someone who knows how to treat you is taking patients. So all that really happens is "screw you, you're not allowed to get any help at all, because we wouldn't want to be taking the place of the professional you have no access to anyway."
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  5. - Top - End - #485
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Castaras View Post
    Rant goes here about how since I've got to uni I seem to be more sickly.

    Pretty much seems to coincide with me getting on the pill. Been through two varieties, possibly going to a 3rd soon.
    So having mass exposure to a sample of people from all over the planet with whatever variety of pathogen they might bring with, living in often cramped conditions, staying up late studying/partying or some mix of the two. Stress, wierd/new eating habits. Those have nothing to do with. . . by no means.
    Last edited by sktarq; 2012-10-02 at 02:55 PM.

  6. - Top - End - #486
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    I have incredibly low self esteem, and I have no reason to. Were I to assemble a description of myself going by my friends, I'd get something along the lines of "AT is a fairly attractive, funny, nice guy who has eloquent things to say when he puts his mind to it. He also drawls pretty well." How do I know this? I have a three page Word Doc of basically all written compliments I've received in the last year. I usually have to look at it at least once a week to push myself through the weekend. Issues I've mentioned in the Relationship Woes Thread aren't making things anything better.

    For a while I thought I might have an inferiority complex, but having read up on it, I think that's unlikely. Part of me guesses that's still possible, but I don't want to talk to my parents about going to see a shrink, because ... Yeah. I realize shrink's do good things for people, I have two friends who desperately needed them and are doing quite a bit better now that they're getting help ... There's just something that'd make me feel like I had even less control over my life than I already do were I to make them public.

    I think part of my problem was that my mom is a hypochondriac for me. When I was younger she thought I had all sorts of issues (ex: Bipolar) and now that I'm older she thinks I have Asperger's.
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  7. - Top - End - #487
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    Quote Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll View Post
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    I have incredibly low self esteem, and I have no reason to. Were I to assemble a description of myself going by my friends, I'd get something along the lines of "AT is a fairly attractive, funny, nice guy who has eloquent things to say when he puts his mind to it. He also drawls pretty well." How do I know this? I have a three page Word Doc of basically all written compliments I've received in the last year. I usually have to look at it at least once a week to push myself through the weekend. Issues I've mentioned in the Relationship Woes Thread aren't making things anything better.

    For a while I thought I might have an inferiority complex, but having read up on it, I think that's unlikely. Part of me guesses that's still possible, but I don't want to talk to my parents about going to see a shrink, because ... Yeah. I realize shrink's do good things for people, I have two friends who desperately needed them and are doing quite a bit better now that they're getting help ... There's just something that'd make me feel like I had even less control over my life than I already do were I to make them public.

    I think part of my problem was that my mom is a hypochondriac for me. When I was younger she thought I had all sorts of issues (ex: Bipolar) and now that I'm older she thinks I have Asperger's.
    Okay, I'm sure I'm not the only person who will say this, but you really need some professional help. I had (have) similar problems, especially when I started college. With regards to feeling like you'd have less control than you do now, remember that when something like low self esteem, impostor syndrome, or depression is causing these sort of irrational, borderline delusional thoughts you don't have much control, and the therapist's job is to help you take the reigns back.

    I'm sure other people who have gone through more similar things could advise you about talking to your parents. The only thing I can think of is to minimize it a little. Like "I'm going through a stressful period in my life right now, and I think going to a therapist/psychiatrist/psychologist would help me develop some strategies for dealing with it more productively than I have been." Depending on your circumstances, it may not even be necessary to tell them right away. It's okay for children of any age to keep some private information from their parents.
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  8. - Top - End - #488
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    Quote Originally Posted by MonkeyBusiness View Post
    Thajocoth:

    Here's how I see the situation you described:

    You are a loving person. Your lady-love is grappling with serious issues. She worries about her mother (or whatever the issue du jour is), and that triggers a whole cascade of issues that cause her to lose her grip on her own life. The consequences of losing the grip are significant, including (in the past) suicidal potential, so of course you step in, to offer comfort and support. But this has become a cycle. Even if you did not live so far away, it is not a cycle that can go on indefinitely.

    There are many things that need to happen. But the most basic one is that somehow there needs to be an exit strategy for this she-melts-you-comfort ride you two are on. It might seem okay to delay making that plan, because other issues seem more urgent (such as girl friend not melting down and failing out), but really the opposite is true. How you and she choose to cope with these issues now builds the shape of your future together.

    I get that she is vulnerable, I really do. That makes it all the more important to emphasize her control of the situation when she is in crisis. It is vital to ask yourself, when offering comfort, how you can frame your response in a way that helps her actively regain control, rather than passively accepting help.

    In this regard the conundrum regarding her mother is actually helpful. Although the issues that affect them are different, the core challenge that your girlfriend faces is the same one that her mother faces, and which is a gauntlet they both are failing to recognize and pick up: they need to take responsibility for their own health.

    You can gently point out to her that, just as she worries - because her mother has no plan to take care of herself, and is too far away to run to help - so you worry about her. This puts you and your lady-love in equal positions. Ask her to discuss with you her plans for getting through the final months, so you don't have to worry, and so you can maximize your help to her.

    Example: she has hypoglycemia. What is her plan for dealing with that? If she does not have one, prompt her: how can you help yourself remember to eat? Encourage her to think of ways to meet this challenge, then ask how you can help her make this plan work. (You might make a run to the grocery to buy some ready-to-eat healthy snacks, for example.)

    This approach gently puts her in control of the situation ... not you. And *that* is the first step to her beginning to rise to meet her challenges, and overcome them. Loving couples take care of each other, of course ... but caretaking becomes a liability when it is one-sided, which is what you seem to describe here. Even when one person has a severe challenge, there needs to be reciprocity.

    Meanwhile, do not let the conversation become derailed over mom. Mom is not the issue. The issue is the plans your girlfriend is making and keeping to keep herself in good mental and emotional health. Your challenge will be to transition from caregiver to equal partner. This is surprisingly hard, even when you want it with all your heart. I recommend that you find a therapist for yourself, to support you through this.
    Thanks a lot for addressing this. I've got a bit of an update...

    Visiting her for 4 days this weekend helped her dramatically. She was happy the entire time and has gone back to the mindset she was in before she left, which involved such things as planning her meals, ensuring she gets enough sun, exercise & sleep, etc... She's back in positivity.

    She hasn't mentioned her mother since I arrived Friday morning. I don't know how this particular situation will go, but she'll be able to deal with it better with a better mindset.

    The cycle you mentioned exists while we're apart. When she's in my direct presence, it seems to vanish. It takes a while after leaving my presence for it to start up... Initially this was about 3 weeks, but we've figured out how to slow it down in various ways. She returns to me in mid-December, but will be close enough to my family over Thanksgiving that she might drive out to visit me & my family briefly during that time.

    While she reacts best to being physically near me, Skyping with me helps her a bit as well. She has a shirt of mine in a ziplock. I send her a new one monthly; post-worn, pre-wash, so it smells like me. She also has various reminders of me, and I try to relate them to touch. For example, the blanket she uses each night is mine, and I relate it to being the closest I can do to cuddle her. I can't give her direct touch, but try to placate with her other senses as best I can.

    Her anklet is the best reminder, as it's from a small commitment ceremony we had Dec 22, 2011. It never leaves her ankle. I've also left her with a reminder of my visit that she'll see every day for probably another month as it slowly fades.

    She's got a lot of needs... And she's capable of handling them, but may need various levels of nudging. No matter what the need is, if I'm able to physically touch her, she will listen if I tell her to take care of herself (or just about anything else, but I'd never abuse this power). That makes it resolve quickly and avoids the cycle you spoke of.

    Another part of the issue I initially mentioned is that I was not in the best mindset either. I also do far better with her around and I've been surrounded by things that need doing that have manifested as physical mess. I have leaks under both of my apartment's sinks and haven't called maintenance because my apartment is too messy for them to get to the sinks. So I've been getting a little depressed, which made her need become a little draining. I'm far happier after this weekend with her, so I should be a lot better now as well.
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  9. - Top - End - #489
    Orc in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    I got really philosophical on my self today and dicovered this truth.

    I learned that all people will die and if you live long then everyone else dies. And if you don't then you die and someone else is forced to carry the burden of your death...

    Not really a problem but it's a depressing thought.

  10. - Top - End - #490
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Magnera View Post
    I got really philosophical on my self today and dicovered this truth.

    I learned that all people will die and if you live long then everyone else dies. And if you don't then you die and someone else is forced to carry the burden of your death...

    Not really a problem but it's a depressing thought.
    I read a quote once... I forget the source or exact wording, but it was something like... "To befriend is to cause pain, as one will expire before the other."

    Quite depressing, but the time together between is worth it.
    Avatar by me. It's Incendius Darkscale, a Good Dragonborn Dragon Sorcerer, Demonskin Adept, Prince of Hell, worshiper of the Platinum Dragon (Bahamut), specializing in Fire and Lightning, wielding a staff in each hand.

  11. - Top - End - #491
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Magnera View Post
    I got really philosophical on my self today and dicovered this truth.

    I learned that all people will die and if you live long then everyone else dies. And if you don't then you die and someone else is forced to carry the burden of your death...

    Not really a problem but it's a depressing thought.
    On the other hand, think of all the millions billions trillions lots of potential people who were never even conceived because one of their parents died as kids, their parents lived on different continents, or never liked each other enough to have kids. As sucky as life can be sometimes, we're lucky to have our maybe-80 years of consciousness.
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  12. - Top - End - #492
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Jeff the Green View Post
    ...we're lucky to have our maybe-80 years of consciousness.
    If you're only counting consciousness, only take 2/3 the number... We spend a disturbing amount of our life asleep. So about 55 years of consciousness. (I started from an average lifespan of 85 & rounded.)
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  13. - Top - End - #493
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    Quote Originally Posted by Magnera View Post
    I got really philosophical on my self today and dicovered this truth.

    I learned that all people will die and if you live long then everyone else dies. And if you don't then you die and someone else is forced to carry the burden of your death...

    Not really a problem but it's a depressing thought.

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Greetings people,

    I'm new here, And I try to be open about somethings and closed about what I view is personal. But a quick summery,

    I am a 35 male, asexual(Gray), Raised my right hand once, I was the bullied kid in school, Came up though the LD program due to poor social development skills (There are layers of irony in that decision that are geological in magnitude), I have worked in the technical field for about 15 years and i have half a decade of training in my field (electronics), And spent a decade providing assisted living care for a stroke patent.

    I have been seeing a professional for about two year, My diagnosed conditions is mostly anxiety related and adhd, with some avoidant personalty and ptsd tossed in there for good measure.

    The last few years have changed alot of who I am on many levels, So although I am seeing a professional, I am also relearning alot of basic skills, (although some of the people nearest and dearest to me are implieing that I am learning some of the social skills for the first time)
    I understand to an fair extent this is at the expense of other people. I try to do what I can to mitigate that, So in that effort I am opting for a semi-explicit disclosure.

    Now that my disclaimer is done, I'm actually enjoying reading these forums. My first encounters with Role-playing games was when I was enlisted, 2nd edition, rifts and whitewolf were the systems we used mostly.

    Well that is enough TMI and ramblings for me for now.

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by scurv View Post
    Greetings people,

    I'm new here, And I try to be open about somethings and closed about what I view is personal. But a quick summery,

    I am a 35 male, asexual(Gray), Raised my right hand once, I was the bullied kid in school, Came up though the LD program due to poor social development skills (There are layers of irony in that decision that are geological in magnitude), I have worked in the technical field for about 15 years and i have half a decade of training in my field (electronics), And spent a decade providing assisted living care for a stroke patent.

    I have been seeing a professional for about two year, My diagnosed conditions is mostly anxiety related and adhd, with some avoidant personalty and ptsd tossed in there for good measure.

    The last few years have changed alot of who I am on many levels, So although I am seeing a professional, I am also relearning alot of basic skills, (although some of the people nearest and dearest to me are implieing that I am learning some of the social skills for the first time)
    I understand to an fair extent this is at the expense of other people. I try to do what I can to mitigate that, So in that effort I am opting for a semi-explicit disclosure.

    Now that my disclaimer is done, I'm actually enjoying reading these forums. My first encounters with Role-playing games was when I was enlisted, 2nd edition, rifts and whitewolf were the systems we used mostly.

    Well that is enough TMI and ramblings for me for now.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    @warkitty
    I Demand one! And one for my kat dusty as well!
    I'm trying a new tactic, Being upfront and disclosing rather then letting the gossip mill get to work...Although that has at least given me an idea or twenty for plot idea's

  17. - Top - End - #497
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    Micro-Moan.
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    I don't know if it's a single scale and my sliders are all out of whack, but it's really frustrating to feel like I hate myself with every fiber of my being while simultaneously far too enamored of others and caring about them & wanting to help when there's trouble.

    I'm also sick of having bigotries that I know don't even make sense and actively know to be false. It's like a black spot on my soul that I can't tear out or fix and can only bury deeper and deeper and hope that it takes too long digging back up into my thoughts that I'll be able to distract myself onto something new before it can get out.

    And I'm a colossal hypocrite because I'm a philosophical pacificist and yet I'm possessed of a terrible bloodlust and believe in what I know to be intellectually foolish views of love and yet am still constantly beset by my mind trying to trick me into thinking I'm falling for somebody new.
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  18. - Top - End - #498
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coidzor View Post
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    I don't know if it's a single scale and my sliders are all out of whack, but it's really frustrating to feel like I hate myself with every fiber of my being while simultaneously far too enamored of others and caring about them & wanting to help when there's trouble.

    I'm also sick of having bigotries that I know don't even make sense and actively know to be false. It's like a black spot on my soul that I can't tear out or fix and can only bury deeper and deeper and hope that it takes too long digging back up into my thoughts that I'll be able to distract myself onto something new before it can get out.

    And I'm a colossal hypocrite because I'm a philosophical pacificist and yet I'm possessed of a terrible bloodlust and believe in what I know to be intellectually foolish views of love and yet am still constantly beset by my mind trying to trick me into thinking I'm falling for somebody new.
    I used to view INT & WIS as the only stats worth having, to the point that anyone without them was a lesser person. That is, ironically, quite unwise. It took a lot of active mental correcting on my part to see what various other traits add to society. I have not dropped my level of pride, I merely raised my average level of respect for others, now making the assumption that there's something awesome about everyone... Still difficult to do sometimes.

    In that mentality, I was also very much a pacifist. I still believe there are alternatives to war that should always be looked into first, but have always had a side of me that I bottled away that liked rather savage things. Thankfully, I have a good outlet for that now, and I'm a much happier person.

    I used to think I was a very happy person when I had parts of my mind deluded & bottled up... Maybe I was, I dunno... But I feel happier now. I feel more free.

    As for romance... I was 23 when I started dating a girl I met online. I had this wonderful tendency to have great first conversations with women & neglect to request contact information. Six weeks later, I was single again, and it was another 5 years before I met my girl, who I intend to be with forever. Meeting your partner later on does not have to be a bad thing.

    So, I have no helpful advice for you, but can lend you a gesture of "I understand how you feel." I hope it helps.
    Last edited by Thajocoth; 2012-10-09 at 12:22 AM.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Coidzor View Post
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    I don't know if it's a single scale and my sliders are all out of whack, but it's really frustrating to feel like I hate myself with every fiber of my being while simultaneously far too enamored of others and caring about them & wanting to help when there's trouble.

    I'm also sick of having bigotries that I know don't even make sense and actively know to be false. It's like a black spot on my soul that I can't tear out or fix and can only bury deeper and deeper and hope that it takes too long digging back up into my thoughts that I'll be able to distract myself onto something new before it can get out.

    And I'm a colossal hypocrite because I'm a philosophical pacificist and yet I'm possessed of a terrible bloodlust and believe in what I know to be intellectually foolish views of love and yet am still constantly beset by my mind trying to trick me into thinking I'm falling for somebody new.
    You have, in a nutshell, summarised exactly what it means to be human. To want to be better while being aware of your own failings can be a good thing because at least you know what to work on. It's horribly stressy though.

    There are two ways to greatly warp someone's perception of reality. One is to be an epic level illusionist and the other is to have them fall in love. The latter is considerably more effective as the changes are subtle and the person in question may not even realise it.

    Falling in love is easy. Climbing back out again is damn near impossible.

  20. - Top - End - #500
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    I'm still struggling away with my own woes.... But in being part of a group greater than myself, I found someone nearby who is so much worse than myself. It's... a bit of a doozy.

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    Most of this is pieced together from what I do know of her situation, but I might be missing hings.

    She is a single teenage mother. I was utterly shocked when I realised she's yonger than myself. She's had to fight to be able to ensure she could keep her daughter, less she be like her birth mother (and mine, a detail we shared in pleasent conversation) and be forced to adopt to ensure her child get a decent chance at living.

    The father seems to have a history of being abused, being in trouble with the law, and being relatively threatening. But because he's mentally unbalanced, she doesn't seem to know, or want, to completely break off everything and deny him his kid, on fear that he might snap. He's apparently put dents in the walls of their appartment.

    He's super possessive toward the mom, to the point where he's installed software onto her computer to periodically save images of the screen for review. And he checks her facebook, and gets angry when she shows signs of even knowing another male friend. She's only even allowing him to stay in the same house as them because he's got a job, and she can't afford to move out on her own, be a mother, and go to school with just 1 job going to expenses.


    I don't know what to think, since there's so much one doesn't know looking on the outside in, especially when not even seeing the full picture in... I don't know how to help her, other than being there if she needs anything, as everyone in our church group is... I'm not even sure what to say to her...

  21. - Top - End - #501
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    NecromancerGuy

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    I'm...back...
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    I failed a test today. I haven't gotten it back yet, but I know I did. Just like the other one. This one's for my bioinformatics professor, though. The one whose recommendation I was counting on to make my grad school applications a bit less farcical. The rest of the class will, as one, have thought it was easy, which is going to make my life even more of a living hell.

    This always happens. Every test, every homework. I can't even look at a returned assignment any more, and my GPA is a piffling 3.14. I'm always the dumb one out.

    I haven't slept since. I can't. I can't even get out of bed, except for more classes. Which I know I'll fail, and which I inevitably will. My parents agree with me on this--I've spoken to them, and they inevitably go on about the energy you project coloring your endeavors. Which is nice, but doesn't help me not fail; I can't just be happy ex nihilo like they can, and it's pretty much destroyed my relationship with my father. I can hear the disappointment in his texts.

    I have another test in 28 hours. I'm even less confident about this one.

    None of this was supposed to happen. I was a straight-A student in high school. 4.0, ludicrous numbers of AP credits. I thought I was a good student. Then this school happened, and ochem, and biochem, and genetics, and I wasn't a 4.0 anymore. Nor was I attractive or funny or anything else that subverts that. It might be what you know or who you know; I total to zero on both.

    I can't talk to my friends any more. The feeling of wasted time just builds and builds. Before, though, they mentioned not being able to find jobs. Assuming, as I think I safely can, that two years of useless research and a 3.14 from an engineering school will relegate my application to birdcage lining, where does that leave me? Besides, I pull stuff like this. Everyone else just gets on with academic excellence, not effortlessly, but smoothly. There is something wrong with me.

    Professional help is not an option. I'm too poor for private help and wouldn't have the time anyway, and I know the school knows who's seeing the school counselor. There's records and things somewhere. Everyone has contacts and ins and things and secret ways to subvert the system, law or not. Rich kids get busted with drugs and not arrested all the time, idiot frat boys get plum jobs at their friends' companies all the time; someone with the capacity to decide my future will be able to look. It's not that I mind the prospect of 72 hours of monitoring, it's that I don't have three days to spare.

    I haven't had a break, without something vital to my "career" due within the next three days, for over five years. I know I shouldn't complain. If nothing else, this is how the real world is. Others have it worse, and complaining just marks me as not able to handle it. So would therapy, or speaking to my professors, or anything. I'm whiny by nature, so there's no way any of that would work.

    I don't even know what the truth is any more. It used to be simple. Mathematical. None of it is any more. It's not about knowing the course material, its about agreeing with the professor. I can't choose best answers any more. This just makes the process of grad school applications even worse. One professor tells me my near-perfect GREs make Stanford a good idea; another tells me some state institution might take me in. I don't know what to believe any more.

    Sorry. I just wanted someone to know.
    Last edited by Trekkin; 2012-10-10 at 02:55 AM.

  22. - Top - End - #502
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    The Succubus's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by INoKnowNames View Post
    I'm still struggling away with my own woes.... But in being part of a group greater than myself, I found someone nearby who is so much worse than myself. It's... a bit of a doozy.

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    Most of this is pieced together from what I do know of her situation, but I might be missing hings.

    She is a single teenage mother. I was utterly shocked when I realised she's yonger than myself. She's had to fight to be able to ensure she could keep her daughter, less she be like her birth mother (and mine, a detail we shared in pleasent conversation) and be forced to adopt to ensure her child get a decent chance at living.

    The father seems to have a history of being abused, being in trouble with the law, and being relatively threatening. But because he's mentally unbalanced, she doesn't seem to know, or want, to completely break off everything and deny him his kid, on fear that he might snap. He's apparently put dents in the walls of their appartment.

    He's super possessive toward the mom, to the point where he's installed software onto her computer to periodically save images of the screen for review. And he checks her facebook, and gets angry when she shows signs of even knowing another male friend. She's only even allowing him to stay in the same house as them because he's got a job, and she can't afford to move out on her own, be a mother, and go to school with just 1 job going to expenses.


    I don't know what to think, since there's so much one doesn't know looking on the outside in, especially when not even seeing the full picture in... I don't know how to help her, other than being there if she needs anything, as everyone in our church group is... I'm not even sure what to say to her...
    I think that hit pretty much every single checkbox on the "Am I in an Abusive Relationship?" list. If what she says is the truth, I would be very, very worried for her and her kid. Someone needs to have a private talk with her (i.e. face to face without her husband reading/checking up on it) from a position of authority. I can understand why she might be reluctant to go if she's afraid of her child being taken away but in the UK at least it is very much the last resort for social services. (NOT as a certain UK soap opera would have it where every single care worker is hell bent on stealing children. ) From your perspective, be there for her as much as you can and help her see her different options, rather waiting for things to come to a head with her husband.

    Quote Originally Posted by Trekkin View Post
    I'm...back...
    Spoiler
    Show
    I failed a test today. I haven't gotten it back yet, but I know I did. Just like the other one. This one's for my bioinformatics professor, though. The one whose recommendation I was counting on to make my grad school applications a bit less farcical. The rest of the class will, as one, have thought it was easy, which is going to make my life even more of a living hell.

    This always happens. Every test, every homework. I can't even look at a returned assignment any more, and my GPA is a piffling 3.14. I'm always the dumb one out.

    I haven't slept since. I can't. I can't even get out of bed, except for more classes. Which I know I'll fail, and which I inevitably will. My parents agree with me on this--I've spoken to them, and they inevitably go on about the energy you project coloring your endeavors. Which is nice, but doesn't help me not fail; I can't just be happy ex nihilo like they can, and it's pretty much destroyed my relationship with my father. I can hear the disappointment in his texts.

    I have another test in 28 hours. I'm even less confident about this one.

    None of this was supposed to happen. I was a straight-A student in high school. 4.0, ludicrous numbers of AP credits. I thought I was a good student. Then this school happened, and ochem, and biochem, and genetics, and I wasn't a 4.0 anymore. Nor was I attractive or funny or anything else that subverts that. It might be what you know or who you know; I total to zero on both.

    I can't talk to my friends any more. The feeling of wasted time just builds and builds. Before, though, they mentioned not being able to find jobs. Assuming, as I think I safely can, that two years of useless research and a 3.14 from an engineering school will relegate my application to birdcage lining, where does that leave me? Besides, I pull stuff like this. Everyone else just gets on with academic excellence, not effortlessly, but smoothly. There is something wrong with me.

    Professional help is not an option. I'm too poor for private help and wouldn't have the time anyway, and I know the school knows who's seeing the school counselor. There's records and things somewhere. Everyone has contacts and ins and things and secret ways to subvert the system, law or not. Rich kids get busted with drugs and not arrested all the time, idiot frat boys get plum jobs at their friends' companies all the time; someone with the capacity to decide my future will be able to look. It's not that I mind the prospect of 72 hours of monitoring, it's that I don't have three days to spare.

    I haven't had a break, without something vital to my "career" due within the next three days, for over five years. I know I shouldn't complain. If nothing else, this is how the real world is. Others have it worse, and complaining just marks me as not able to handle it. So would therapy, or speaking to my professors, or anything. I'm whiny by nature, so there's no way any of that would work.

    I don't even know what the truth is any more. It used to be simple. Mathematical. None of it is any more. It's not about knowing the course material, its about agreeing with the professor. I can't choose best answers any more. This just makes the process of grad school applications even worse. One professor tells me my near-perfect GREs make Stanford a good idea; another tells me some state institution might take me in. I don't know what to believe any more.

    Sorry. I just wanted someone to know.
    I'm going to ask you a question and I would like you to breathe in and out very slowly 10 times, taking a full ten seconds for each breath so that you are cool and focused before answering:


    What do you want?


    This question is addressed to you, personally. Not your parents, not your professors, not your classmates, you.


    What do you want?


    It's a toughie, isn't it? Let me give you a little nudge to help you in the right direction...

    You're feeling massively stressed out at the moment, so what you want is to get rid of most or all of this stress. How can you do this? Let's look at the sources of stress:

    * Your parents - Every parent wants their child to do well so that they can have a comfortable, secure and happy life. It's the latter part that a parent should be aiming for. If it's just so that they can get bragging rights "Oh yes, my son is going to Harvard to be a biophyscist, quantum engineer and Superman as an extra cirricular activity" then their expectations can quite safely be ignored and if your dad is disappointed then it's something he's going to have to man up and deal with.

    * Your professors - These are the people that should be ensuring that you do your best and actively helping you to do so. If they are causing you to be stressed out, then quite simply they are failing their duty. Talk to them and be honest with them. "Mr Professor Guy, I need some help. I am getting stressed out with the exams and I am have trouble focusing on them. Can you help me come up with a plan of action to help me focus a little more?"

    * Yourself - Seriously, you are being far, far too hard on yourself. Even your own professors are telling you this:

    One professor tells me my near-perfect GREs make Stanford a good idea
    The real world really is not like this. All the real world asks of you at work is to do an amount of work you can reliably produce at a steady rate. A man that does a reasonably good job day in day out is far more useful to an employer than a man who is Albert Einstein one day and too frazzled the next.

    But all we've done here is tried to reduce a level of stress for you. We still haven't answered the question we initially set out to.


    What do you want?


    I hope you'll find the answer some day.
    Last edited by The Succubus; 2012-10-10 at 04:02 AM.

  23. - Top - End - #503
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    So things are not great, and there is nothing to be done about them.
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    My best friend has just broken up with her partner, who she's been with for the last five years, with all of the emotional fallout from that. Her little half-sister is being the emotional handful that one would expect from a 16-year-old who's spent her whole life training to be a prima ballerina and now can't be, and who's just broken up with her fiance.
    On top of that my best friend, who is an engineer with defence, just called me in tears because she's on some kind of camp-thing with the other grads and she says it is just like high school and everyone has grouped themselves into little cliques and excluded her, even been really mean to her.
    And she's still on rotation, which means she's a few states over from me and only knows two or three people in her town.

    Not too long ago my grandfather, who is 92, was in a car accident. He's alive, and as far as things are concerned he's doing quite well, but he can no longer care for himself.
    Due to this my mum has quit her job, packed up or sold all of her stuff and moved to the other side of the country to care for him. Meaning she's now on the other side of the country from all of her kids and her only grandchild, and all her friends aside from her sister and her ailing dad.

    An old friend of mine, who I've known for at least ten years now, but probably something closer to twelve, I went to see her in hospital today. About two weeks ago she was diagnosed with multiple cancers including breast, lung and stomach, and the cancerous cells had made it into her spine as well. They tried chemo but it almost killed her, so she's decided to stop all treatment. Her family don't think she has much time left, perhaps two weeks.
    "If I were going to die I would have by now."
    - Grytt

    If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer." - Robin Tyler

  24. - Top - End - #504
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    *hugs Agamid tightly*

    I wish I had more I could say hun but there''s not much I could really suggest. You have a lot of people depending on you for emotional support right now and I can't even imagine how stressed and worried you must be right now. All I can offer is that with that many people leaning on you, make sure you keep yourself strong hun. Do things that make you happy and set aside time for yourself each evening without a phone or laptop on so you can have a little time to recharge. Don't be afraid to say no if you feel you cannot support someone.

    We'll do our best to be here for you.

  25. - Top - End - #505
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    So, housemate issues:

    Our new housemate goes to bed around 10 and is an extremely light sleeper. I mean light - even with her wearing earplugs, stuff like taking showers or fixing food wakes her up. I'm not loud by any means, but I do typically work until 2 or 3 in the morning. Complicating this is the fact that she doesn't speak english very well. I'll tell her one thing, she'll smile and say it's ok, she understands, and then a week later I'll find out that she's upset and thought I said something totally different.

    I can't just rearrange some of this stuff. Especially those of you that have dealt with anxiety...you know what I mean, it's a big thing. You're taking away the stuff that helps keep it under control. And my roommates don't seem to get that. All they seem to see is "I'm refusing to change my schedule."
    Hail to the Lord of Death and Destruction!
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  26. - Top - End - #506
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    PirateCaptain

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    @warkitty

    I think It is as much culture conflict as language barrier. No easy solutions in that regard sadly. You can try using things like babble-fish to translate in the written format.
    I can say this as someone with hearing issues, If and If i just wished to limp by in social situations, I just nod my head, smile and say yes. I suspect that could be a crutch in language situations as well.

  27. - Top - End - #507
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    NecromancerGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    @The Succubus.

    Thanks for the advice.

    I went and talked to my professors regarding how to study more effectively or otherwise do better. Apparently it is not their job to compensate for my deficiencies, and if I haven't worked out how to learn by now, I should seriously reconsider being a student.

    It helped me get some perspective, at least.

  28. - Top - End - #508
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    PirateCaptain

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    @trekken

    I Feel were you are at. If I had practical advice I would give it (Or use it my self) I suspect the easy solution would be to lower stress so your brain could function better.....but if you figure out how to do that let me know.

  29. - Top - End - #509
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by scurv View Post
    @warkitty

    I think It is as much culture conflict as language barrier. No easy solutions in that regard sadly. You can try using things like babble-fish to translate in the written format.
    I can say this as someone with hearing issues, If and If i just wished to limp by in social situations, I just nod my head, smile and say yes. I suspect that could be a crutch in language situations as well.
    I could see that. It doesn't help that I feel like I'm getting culture conflict with my other roommate, despite neither of us being foreign! We just have very different ideas of what taking care of a house entails, and he doesn't know how to do a *lot* of very basic things. He assumes people just pay for them instead and doesn't like "wasting time" doing them himself. I don't like spending a lot of money to get someone else to do things I could do perfectly well.
    Hail to the Lord of Death and Destruction!
    CATNIP FOR THE CAT GOD! YARN FOR THE YARN THRONE! MILK FOR THE MILK BOWL!

  30. - Top - End - #510
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    I could see that. It doesn't help that I feel like I'm getting culture conflict with my other roommate, despite neither of us being foreign! We just have very different ideas of what taking care of a house entails, and he doesn't know how to do a *lot* of very basic things. He assumes people just pay for them instead and doesn't like "wasting time" doing them himself. I don't like spending a lot of money to get someone else to do things I could do perfectly well.
    Culture shock it's pretty horrible. Especially in a flatmate situation. Were you all sort of thrown together by the winds of fortune then?

    I've found that a distressing number of my peers don't know basic things about keeping a house running(like, not leaving fruit rotting around and creating a fly or gnat infestation basic), let alone how to deal with basic minor maintenance and cleaning beyond using chlorox wipes.
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