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  1. - Top - End - #631
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    NecromancerGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Sholos View Post
    Fergo, here's my quick and dirty reading on the whole thing. By the way, I'm referring to your girlfriend as F3 here.

    F3 is the only one spending much time in the house at all. As such, if they're all paying the same rent for rooms, it's very fair that she have the biggest room. After all, the other two don't really need sizable rooms.

    As for the bills, F1 and F2 should absolutely be paying the water bill. Since it doesn't change based on how much is used there's no reason F1 and F2 shouldn't be responsible for it. They planned on paying it when they signed the lease, or at least should have. Same goes for Internet. Electricity is the only one with any kind of argument for F1 and F2 to not pay, since presumably they're not using the washer and dryer (if those exist) or charging their laptops (if they have them), or using the television (if it exists), etc. However, there are lots of things that would be consuming electricity anyways (like lights), and it's hard to say how much extra the other stuff would be adding on. So I still don't think it's unreasonable to split it evenly. Maybe go with a 40-30-30 split.

    As for getting them to pay.... well that's where the landlord might need to come in. Unless it says somewhere on the lease that they don't have to pay utilities if they're not actively living there, they're still responsible. F3 has been very (too) nice as is. Let them get in trouble for it.
    Pretty much this. I would say that she definitely should have the largest (at least larger) room based on what has been explained above.

    Also, if you have made an agreement to pay a certain amount for an expected usage, you can't just back out of it and say you're not using it so you don't have to pay. You can request to renegotiate it, but not demand. (On the other hand, if you are using more than your expected and originally negotiated usage, such as negotiating a room to use once a week then using it every day, others have the right to demand you pay more.)

    The person who might be moving out, she should pay her part of any bills (such as the water bill) that exist during her stay in full. It is then up to her (or one of the others on her behalf) to recover the extra she's paid as a refund from the replacement guest.


    Note, this is based on common decency, not law. You may want to investigate that to cover your asses if the stuff hits the fan.

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  2. - Top - End - #632
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    @Fergo: I am not sympathetic with your girlfriend's friends. Obviously when people share an appartment, they do so to split the costs (as well as for the social aspect). As long as these girls wish to have their rooms available to them, they should hold up their end of the bargain, i.e. pay part of the costs.

    I think it is excellent that the one friend is moving out in December, and the other should consider doing the same, so your girlfriend can get decent roommates. If I were her, I would start looking right away, and not leave it to the ones who have nothing to lose by not doing so.
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  3. - Top - End - #633
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    @Fergo
    If I've got this right, water and internet are fixed amounts and only electricity is based on useage? Then I think everyone whose name is on the lease should pay equally for the fixed bills, and your girlfriend should cover most (but not all) of the electricity bill. They (presumably) agreed to pay some fixed amount at the beginning of the year, and as you've said it's unfair for one person to pay three times what she expected to pay for the fixed bills. Unfortunately, I see how this could be nearly impossible to enforce if the roommates don't want to pay their share. I don't know how her apartment handles utility bills, but for my apartment some of our utilities don't come through the apartment, so I don't think our landlord would be responsible for them.

    But on a similar line, I don't think your girlfriend can claim one of the bigger rooms just because she lives there. They all agreed to certain rooms at the beginning of the year, and she can ask a roommate about switching but she doesn't have an automatic right to it. (I'm curious if she pays a smaller amount of the rent due to having a smaller bedroom? In our apartment we roughly valued each bedroom by how big it was, which is more incentive to not move from bedroom to bedroom on a whim.) Edit: I don't mean to be dismissive of your girlfriend's situation (seriously, that is a small room ) and by all means go ahead and ask the roommates if they'd be okay with swapping rooms, but I wouldn't be surprised if they refused.
    Last edited by Ceric; 2012-11-04 at 04:09 PM.
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  4. - Top - End - #634
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    As someone in a situation similar to F1 & F2 (Spend all my time at my boyfriend's, very rarely at my house), I agree that F1 and F2 need to stop shirking their bills and pay up. I will be paying 1 quarter of all the bills, and my housemates will pay the a quarter each as well. It doesn't matter that I hardly stay there, I signed up for it, and I'm going to hold up my side of the contract.

    I also have the smallest room, but purely by chance. My house has 3 large rooms and 1 small, and different rooms have different rents to pay (I pay rent for my room rather than the house as a whole), so that could be the issue with F1-F3. I don't know.

    But they should definitely pay their share of the bills.
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  5. - Top - End - #635
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Thanks guys, it's good to know that I'm not being too biased. Well, I probably was, but it's nice to know that an unbiased person can come to the same conclusion .

    It's the same rent for all rooms, by the way. But it's not really the rooms that are the problem, F3 has settled into her small space really well .

  6. - Top - End - #636
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    quick advice.. waiting for f1 (or was it f2?) to find a new roommate to take her place when you have every indication that she might fail to do so out of lazyness, poor planning or just not giving a crap is not a good move.
    I suggest your gf start looking for a replacement too, just in case her flatmate doesn't do it or doesn't find someone...because otherwise, come December the "friend" will be all "oh, I didn't find anybody, but I looked really hard and asked around in the pub, last night, after my 4th pint.. I may have said I live in Buckingham Palace though.... and no, I really can't talk now, or stay after December, or pay rent after that..tada.." and your girl will sit there in a half empty flat with a landlord still wanting full payment, and no foreseable flatmate to split the bill with.
    in fact, helping find the replacement flatmate might be an act of goodwill big enough for the other 2 girls to realise they can't really shirk back on paying their dues..
    Last edited by dehro; 2012-11-05 at 07:47 AM.
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  7. - Top - End - #637
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    F3 (damn, you've got me doing it now... ) has already found someone to replace F2, as it happens. Although this person has to find someone to replace them in their flat... Still, shouldn't be a problem .

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by fergo View Post
    F3 (damn, you've got me doing it now... ) has already found someone to replace F2, as it happens. Although this person has to find someone to replace them in their flat... Still, shouldn't be a problem .
    Muahahahahahaha!!

    Oh, and good on her for being proactive. Hope everything works out!
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  9. - Top - End - #639
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    Maybe you could all find a cozy little keyboard together?

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    Quote Originally Posted by The Succubus View Post
    Maybe you could all find a cozy little keyboard together?
    I read that as cupboard
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  11. - Top - End - #641
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    I was just typing a comment saying I didn't understand why you said 'keyboard'... then I got it .

    I'm in as long as I can be the shift key. You could say I'm very... *takes of sunglasses* SHIFTY
    Last edited by fergo; 2012-11-06 at 03:40 PM.

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    I swear, the next person to tell me to get mental health help, of any sort...I'm tired of going through a system that doesn't care about anything except following their little check-boxes and getting you to fit to their local model of a good girl. I wouldn't have half the problems I do if it weren't for the long string of medical "professionals" that I've been dragged to in an effort to be the good mental patient that does what you're supposed to do. All I want now is for people to leave me alone long enough to figure something out, rather than continually butting in and trying to fix everything and leaving it more of a mess than it started.

    Why yes, I had to drag myself today to yet another idiot who can't be bothered to listen or care, and yet is somehow mad when you don't follow his every whim right after you've explained that his plan involves a high probability of you losing your job.
    Last edited by WarKitty; 2012-11-07 at 03:51 AM.
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  13. - Top - End - #643
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    don't want to be despondent but... could it be that your current position just isn't compatible with an effective tackling of your health issues...and that the solution you're looking for just isn't out there on account of it being a compromise/patch job that isn't effective in the long run?
    Last edited by dehro; 2012-11-07 at 04:01 AM.
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  14. - Top - End - #644
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    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    don't want to be despondent but... could it be that your current position just isn't compatible with an effective tackling of your health issues...and that the solution you're looking for just isn't out there on account of it being a compromise/patch job that isn't effective in the long run?
    There's not going to be a long run if I can't pay the bills. If I lose my job, my choices are between going back to an emotionally abusive home and living on the street. (No, what he was giving me wasn't going to let me have any easy way of getting another one.) I was trying to get it set back up so I can stay in school and get some money so I could back off my schedule next semester and not have everything immediately in my face. But I need the patch job for now so I can keep a roof over my head long enough to do that.

    That's the lecture I got, sure enough. Patience and how there aren't any magic bullets. But I know that already. Trouble is not all of us live in nice perfect little worlds where we can afford the time off or decreased working ability for their ideal solution. And in any case I don't take solutions from people that act like they know everything after a 20min conversation of being treated like an annoyance.
    Last edited by WarKitty; 2012-11-07 at 04:09 AM.
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  15. - Top - End - #645
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    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    And in any case I don't take solutions from people that act like they know everything after a 20min conversation of being treated like an annoyance.
    is there a possibility that you go to these appointments already with a strong bias towards what their attitude is going to be and what they're going to say, because you've been there before and have seen a few of them already?
    is there a chance that you are one of those nightmare patients a doctor friend of mine talks about, who self diagnose and know better than people who are trained to know what they're talking about?
    (though I do admit that this is more a case with illnesses of the..physical realm..viruses, infections, conditions and such)..

    I'm playing devil's advocate here..I don't know you and for all I know you're 100% right in your assesment of your situation, in which case, disregard all of the above..
    ..but there's always that chance that you are not, that you're just being headstrong on account of being overwhelmed by the practical issues that come with your illness (btw, I don't actually know what that is, I may have missed the post where you state it).
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  16. - Top - End - #646
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    I don't think that's the case with Kitty. Although I don't like to speak for anyone, my guess is that's she's just incredibly fed up and annoyed. Even the sweetest and most good natured patient will be cranky after a several hour wait - same deal applies when you have to go though medical bureaucracy as well. She's had to jump through umpteen different hoops to get as far as she has only to be "rewarded" with an appointment with someone who appears to be apathetic towards her plight. Yeah, I think I'd be hacked off in a similar situation.

    I don't know whether Kitty lives in the US or UK or somewhere else altogether. I know from both sides of the fence that medical bureaucracy is rife in the NHS and while doesn't seem to be making patients' lives easier, it's certainly terrifying a lot of trees. The best way to deal with this sort of crap is fight paper with paper. When you make a call enquiring about an appointment, keep a careful diary of when you made the call, the date, time and most importantly always get the full name of whoever you speak to. People tend to be a lot more co-operative and forthcoming if they suspect that a potential problem (if you'll excuse me) will be able to correctly identify them later on, meaning the buck definitely stops with them.

    I'm afraid aside from that I don't have any advice or suggestions that you haven't heard a thousand times before Kitty. So instead I'm going to hug you like this...

    *hugs*

    ...and keep my fingers crossed that things pick up for you hun. I really hope they do.

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    Last edited by The Succubus; 2012-11-07 at 06:46 AM.

  17. - Top - End - #647
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    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    I'm playing devil's advocate here..I don't know you and for all I know you're 100% right in your assesment of your situation, in which case, disregard all of the above..
    ..but there's always that chance that you are not, that you're just being headstrong on account of being overwhelmed by the practical issues that come with your illness (btw, I don't actually know what that is, I may have missed the post where you state it).
    Don't do that. Kitty's complaining about people making assessments on her situation from little bits of information and then you do it in the same way? :/

    I'm sorry the whole sector is causing you so much crap, Kitty.

    *offers hugs and sympathies*
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  18. - Top - End - #648
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    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    There's not going to be a long run if I can't pay the bills. If I lose my job, my choices are between going back to an emotionally abusive home and living on the street. (No, what he was giving me wasn't going to let me have any easy way of getting another one.) I was trying to get it set back up so I can stay in school and get some money so I could back off my schedule next semester and not have everything immediately in my face. But I need the patch job for now so I can keep a roof over my head long enough to do that.
    Not sure if you're in the US, but most countries have some sort of Social Security that deals with disabilities. If a doctor is telling you to do X, and X is incompatible with holding a job, this generally falls under the necessary requirements for some sort of disability aid. Now granted this is if the doctors recommendations mean it is impossible to hold ANY job, and not just if it would make you lose your current job. If that is the case disability may not help.

    Even if you do lose your job, homelessness may not necessarily have to result from it. Again, if in the US, even if you're not religious, there are a LOT of church organizations that help people who have hit hard times. These can generally work better than the government programs that have a TON of bureaucracy before anything can get done with them.

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    Soooo ... here I am at the repair shop. My water pump seized up and deformed the head gasket, stripping the bolts. Soooo... they're disassembling the engine now to see if there is internal damage. Worst case: New engine, $5900. Best case: Just replace the head gasket and the water pump for the low, low price of $3000. plus the $1100 to dissassemble the engine in the first place.

    I am currently setting up a credit line to pay for a second loan which is comparable to buying the car in the first place.

    I've been told that all things we humans suffer ultimately work for our benefit. I believe this. Nonetheless, if this is a blessing in disguise, then it is very, very well hidden. This blessing has epic ranks in Hide.

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  20. - Top - End - #650
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    Quote Originally Posted by Astrella View Post
    Don't do that. Kitty's complaining about people making assessments on her situation from little bits of information and then you do it in the same way? :/
    I'm not in any way relevant in assessing her health issues and the eventually necessary therapy..so no, I don't think what I'm doing is in the same league. she is venting/asking for opinions.. none of us other than herself has the full picture, so giving her big pats on the shoulders and hugs and all is very good but doesn't go beyond being a bit of moral support, which I am offering too, for what it's worth. being "on her side" a priori is just as judgemental and might not be doing her a favour...
    I'm simply offering a different perspective on things that she's going through. I might be totally wrong, and I've acknowledged this possibility.
    Last edited by dehro; 2012-11-07 at 09:36 AM.
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  21. - Top - End - #651
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    Ugh, that really sucks, Pendell. I hope it at least turns out to be the second thing. :/

    *hugs and sympathies*
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  22. - Top - End - #652
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    I don't really feel comfortable here anymore, but I need advice from someone, somewhere. Don't have anyone I can talk to about this really.
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    I may well fail out of college (again) due to a single professor's draconian attendance policy. Not that my actual work has been B grade.

    So,on her syllabus she says "missed classes beyond three will affect your grade". She says nothing else about attendance nor to what degree it will affect your grade. I was forced by circumstances outside my control (two family emergencies, two illnesses, and two instances of car trouble [i commute]) to miss six classes. I informed her of each. She never responded. After the last one, she informs me I am now slated to fail the entire course.

    I am flabbergasted. Not only does the syllabus not list anything about this but I was given no warning about it AND this puts me in severe danger of losing my scholarship (and I cannot come to this university without it).

    In a series of emails with her, I pointed out my concerns and was met with (and I am here quoting her directly), "I'm not sure why this is difficult to understand." She has personally attacked me (in another email she used my own history to point out why she felt no need to say anything, because this is a workshop class and I had mentioned taking one in the past), given me no opportunity to explain my situation, given no warning or indication of trouble until we are at the breaking point, and has dismissed my concerns with a hand wave. I am deeply hurt and terrified because this may cost me my future.

    After my asking for clarification and having already said that I accepted her judgment (because there is no recourse) she once again attacked my character and claimed that I took no responsibility for my actions (despite my saying that I was more than partially at fault and was clearly responsible for not being there).

    I'm hurt. I'm lost. And I may be ****ed. What, in the names of the twenty two gods, do I do? How am I going to tell my family (who have a standing threat to disown me if I fail college again)? What do I do?!

    I really want to curl up into a tiny ball and weep uncontrollably. Can't though, have to write a essay for her class tomorrow.
    Last edited by arguskos; 2012-11-07 at 12:36 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by pendell View Post
    Soooo ... here I am at the repair shop. My water pump seized up and deformed the head gasket, stripping the bolts. Soooo... they're disassembling the engine now to see if there is internal damage. Worst case: New engine, $5900. Best case: Just replace the head gasket and the water pump for the low, low price of $3000. plus the $1100 to dissassemble the engine in the first place.
    That seems awfully expensive for a water pump and head gasket replacement. Did they itemize why it would cost so much? $1500 for a head gasket replacement would be pricey but could be expected. Another couple hundred to replace the water pump at the same time I'd say. But $3000 seems quite high, especially if you're paying $1100 to disassemble it in the first place. Around here mechanic cost is maybe $100/hour (at the high end). Somehow I don't think its going to take 11 hours to disassemble and engine and do some diagnostics on it. And if they are replacing the head gasket they shouldn't be double charging you if the engine is already disassembled.

  24. - Top - End - #654
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chen View Post
    That seems awfully expensive for a water pump and head gasket replacement. Did they itemize why it would cost so much? $1500 for a head gasket replacement would be pricey but could be expected. Another couple hundred to replace the water pump at the same time I'd say. But $3000 seems quite high, especially if you're paying $1100 to disassemble it in the first place. Around here mechanic cost is maybe $100/hour (at the high end). Somehow I don't think its going to take 11 hours to disassemble and engine and do some diagnostics on it. And if they are replacing the head gasket they shouldn't be double charging you if the engine is already disassembled.
    We'll see how it works. I was quoted $2500 to replace the gasket and $500 to replace the water pump. If the entire thing is replaced it will be $5900 lump sum to put in a new engine.

    What part of the country do you live in, if I may ask? I may be paying more than absolutely necessary because I took it to the dealer. I suppose a less-specialized mechanic might be able to do it for less. But I was concerned when I brought it in that it might be a computer problem and had to be troubleshot by the dealer, not by someone else.

    Would you have done differently? Honest question.

    ETA: Thinking about it, every mile the vehicle is driven will increase the likelihood that the engine suffers irreparable damage. So my decision to take it directly to the dealer for a diagnosis was the right decision. Once here, the alternative is to have the vehicle towed from station to station to get a price comparison. That would also be costly. So this probably is the best thing to do.
    Respectfully,

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    Last edited by pendell; 2012-11-07 at 01:02 PM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by arguskos View Post
    I don't really feel comfortable here anymore, but I need advice from someone, somewhere. Don't have anyone I can talk to about this really.
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    I may well fail out of college (again) due to a single professor's draconian attendance policy. Not that my actual work has been B grade.

    So,on her syllabus she says "missed classes beyond three will affect your grade". She says nothing else about attendance nor to what degree it will affect your grade. I was forced by circumstances outside my control (two family emergencies, two illnesses, and two instances of car trouble [i commute]) to miss six classes. I informed her of each. She never responded. After the last one, she informs me I am now slated to fail the entire course.

    I am flabbergasted. Not only does the syllabus not list anything about this but I was given no warning about it AND this puts me in severe danger of losing my scholarship (and I cannot come to this university without it).

    In a series of emails with her, I pointed out my concerns and was met with (and I am here quoting her directly), "I'm not sure why this is difficult to understand." She has personally attacked me (in another email she used my own history to point out why she felt no need to say anything, because this is a workshop class and I had mentioned taking one in the past), given me no opportunity to explain my situation, given no warning or indication of trouble until we are at the breaking point, and has dismissed my concerns with a hand wave. I am deeply hurt and terrified because this may cost me my future.

    After my asking for clarification and having already said that I accepted her judgment (because there is no recourse) she once again attacked my character and claimed that I took no responsibility for my actions (despite my saying that I was more than partially at fault and was clearly responsible for not being there).

    I'm hurt. I'm lost. And I may be ****ed. What, in the names of the twenty two gods, do I do? How am I going to tell my family (who have a standing threat to disown me if I fail college again)? What do I do?!

    I really want to curl up into a tiny ball and weep uncontrollably. Can't though, have to write a essay for her class tomorrow.
    My advice is as follows:

    Spoiler
    Show

    1) Seek out the head of the prof's department. It may be you can transfer to the same class taught by another prof. You may also be able to get the prof to see reason. The prof is not a demigod. They are held accountable by the university, and if their policies are flushing out students who might otherwise pass the department needs to look in on it. Expelled students mean no alumni donations and angry parents.

    2) If you have a medical or psychiatric condition, see if you can head down to whatever branch of uni deals with disabilities. If you can get a piece of paper certifying that you have a medical condition you may be able to get an exception to the attendance policy. Or find some other way to get accommodation. The department plus the disabilities people may be able to convince the prof there's a better way to get it done, or find some alternate way to meet your needs.

    Use bureaucracy to fight bureaucracy. What you REALLY need is an advocate on-campus who knows the bureaucracy and can make it do the right thing. So I would suggest you think long and hard about who your favorite professor is, who knows the most about the school and is most likely to help you. Then go to him and tell him that you're looking for an advocate to deal with the campus bureaucracy. If s/he can't help you him/herself, s/he may be able to point you to someone who can.

    What do you tell your parents? Tell them "This is my problem and this is how I am going to solve it." Or tell them "This is my problem. Can you help me solve it?" They don't want you out of school anymore than you do. They may be able to come down and work some angry-parent juju on the campus administration.

    Present yourself as someone who is solving a problem. Don't show weakness to them unless you're sure it's appropriate. Make them your allies in the cause of staying in school. Point them at the administration as the problem to be solved, not at you. Be prepared to demonstrate that you are putting forth maximum effort but you're going to need help.

    Find someone who is not holding you to expectations to give you strength and encouragement, someone who will give you the power you need to confront the admin and the parents and the prof and bend them to your will.

    Go get 'em! Life is tough ,but we beat it senseless and wrench something worth living from it's cold, bleeding hands

    "Opportunities to do good are everywhere but the darkness is where the light needs to be".

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  26. - Top - End - #656
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    is there a possibility that you go to these appointments already with a strong bias towards what their attitude is going to be and what they're going to say, because you've been there before and have seen a few of them already?
    is there a chance that you are one of those nightmare patients a doctor friend of mine talks about, who self diagnose and know better than people who are trained to know what they're talking about?
    (though I do admit that this is more a case with illnesses of the..physical realm..viruses, infections, conditions and such)..

    I'm playing devil's advocate here..I don't know you and for all I know you're 100% right in your assesment of your situation, in which case, disregard all of the above..
    ..but there's always that chance that you are not, that you're just being headstrong on account of being overwhelmed by the practical issues that come with your illness (btw, I don't actually know what that is, I may have missed the post where you state it).
    There's two sides of that coin, actually. In the physical realm, I have some...extremely unusual reactions to certain medications and treatments. Certain standard treatments with antibiotics that work with most people have a history of leaving me with resistant infections. You become a bit more of an expert because you have to be. I've had plenty of doctors go in and tell me they want to do the standard treatment anyway, because "no one has that sort of reaction." Or similar problems with recurring issues being brushed aside as not real, again because according to the books they can't find anything that matches the symptoms described. The nightmare patient? Is often the patient like me that's had a few rounds of "oops we decided we had to do the textbook treatment yet again, and it resulted in a bigger problem yet again."

    It's...sort of the same, really. When you've heard a few rounds of "oh you have X so we should do Y" after you've been trying Y for several years - yeah you sort of stop taking these people seriously. Or when a doctor seems to be ignoring any symptoms that don't fit with what he's decided the problem is (again, seen this with both physical and mental stuff).
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  27. - Top - End - #657
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by arguskos View Post
    I don't really feel comfortable here anymore, but I need advice from someone, somewhere. Don't have anyone I can talk to about this really.
    Spoiler
    Show

    I may well fail out of college (again) due to a single professor's draconian attendance policy. Not that my actual work has been B grade.

    So,on her syllabus she says "missed classes beyond three will affect your grade". She says nothing else about attendance nor to what degree it will affect your grade. I was forced by circumstances outside my control (two family emergencies, two illnesses, and two instances of car trouble [i commute]) to miss six classes. I informed her of each. She never responded. After the last one, she informs me I am now slated to fail the entire course.

    I am flabbergasted. Not only does the syllabus not list anything about this but I was given no warning about it AND this puts me in severe danger of losing my scholarship (and I cannot come to this university without it).

    In a series of emails with her, I pointed out my concerns and was met with (and I am here quoting her directly), "I'm not sure why this is difficult to understand." She has personally attacked me (in another email she used my own history to point out why she felt no need to say anything, because this is a workshop class and I had mentioned taking one in the past), given me no opportunity to explain my situation, given no warning or indication of trouble until we are at the breaking point, and has dismissed my concerns with a hand wave. I am deeply hurt and terrified because this may cost me my future.

    After my asking for clarification and having already said that I accepted her judgment (because there is no recourse) she once again attacked my character and claimed that I took no responsibility for my actions (despite my saying that I was more than partially at fault and was clearly responsible for not being there).

    I'm hurt. I'm lost. And I may be ****ed. What, in the names of the twenty two gods, do I do? How am I going to tell my family (who have a standing threat to disown me if I fail college again)? What do I do?!

    I really want to curl up into a tiny ball and weep uncontrollably. Can't though, have to write a essay for her class tomorrow.
    That sucks. I've heard of some bad teachers, but this is one of the worst cases I've ever heard. Unfortunately it sounds like you've really done everything you can as far as the teacher goes. Only possible thing would be to take it up with the head of the department, maybe, or administration? Other than that, I don't know.

    Oh, and that stuff pendell said. That's good advice.
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  28. - Top - End - #658
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    There's two sides of that coin, actually. In the physical realm, I have some...extremely unusual reactions to certain medications and treatments. Certain standard treatments with antibiotics that work with most people have a history of leaving me with resistant infections. You become a bit more of an expert because you have to be. I've had plenty of doctors go in and tell me they want to do the standard treatment anyway, because "no one has that sort of reaction." Or similar problems with recurring issues being brushed aside as not real, again because according to the books they can't find anything that matches the symptoms described. The nightmare patient? Is often the patient like me that's had a few rounds of "oops we decided we had to do the textbook treatment yet again, and it resulted in a bigger problem yet again."

    It's...sort of the same, really. When you've heard a few rounds of "oh you have X so we should do Y" after you've been trying Y for several years - yeah you sort of stop taking these people seriously. Or when a doctor seems to be ignoring any symptoms that don't fit with what he's decided the problem is (again, seen this with both physical and mental stuff).
    Oi, this sounds only too familiar.

    Doctor: Okay. We can't find anything (yet again) so we're just gonna give you some painkillers.
    Me: Okay. But I've already been given paracetamol and it doesn't work at all for me.
    Doctor: Mmhmm. *writes down presription that turns out to be... paracetamol*

    Generally, I have found that when doctors don't listen, it's time to find a new one. But from what I hear, you've kind of already tried many of them. Can you document all your reactions and such and show them to the doctors? With proof that the treatments aren't working, they may be forced to try alternatives.
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  29. - Top - End - #659
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by bluewind95 View Post
    Oi, this sounds only too familiar.

    Doctor: Okay. We can't find anything (yet again) so we're just gonna give you some painkillers.
    Me: Okay. But I've already been given paracetamol and it doesn't work at all for me.
    Doctor: Mmhmm. *writes down presription that turns out to be... paracetamol*

    Generally, I have found that when doctors don't listen, it's time to find a new one. But from what I hear, you've kind of already tried many of them. Can you document all your reactions and such and show them to the doctors? With proof that the treatments aren't working, they may be forced to try alternatives.
    Well, I was using that as an example/analogy for the same issue in mental health. It's a lot harder with mental health though, because far more frequently the reaction to "I tried that and it didn't work" is to act like you didn't try hard enough. Or in some cases to outright ignore the problem. Actually, I've had that one happen with physical health too ("Oh so the allergy meds make you irritable? Why is that a problem?").

    That's a big deal to me. If I say "X side effect is unacceptable to me," I expect that to be taken seriously. I may have different weights of quality of life than the doctor has, but I expect treatment to take place according to my weighting of what's important, not someone else's idea. I just feel like the whole system isn't really about helping me be the sort of person I'd like to be, and more about making me compliant and measuring up to someone else's idea of normal.
    Kittyfey thanks to Kaarienne.

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  30. - Top - End - #660
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by pendell View Post
    My advice is as follows:

    Spoiler
    Show

    1) Seek out the head of the prof's department. It may be you can transfer to the same class taught by another prof. You may also be able to get the prof to see reason. The prof is not a demigod. They are held accountable by the university, and if their policies are flushing out students who might otherwise pass the department needs to look in on it. Expelled students mean no alumni donations and angry parents.

    2) If you have a medical or psychiatric condition, see if you can head down to whatever branch of uni deals with disabilities. If you can get a piece of paper certifying that you have a medical condition you may be able to get an exception to the attendance policy. Or find some other way to get accommodation. The department plus the disabilities people may be able to convince the prof there's a better way to get it done, or find some alternate way to meet your needs.

    Use bureaucracy to fight bureaucracy. What you REALLY need is an advocate on-campus who knows the bureaucracy and can make it do the right thing. So I would suggest you think long and hard about who your favorite professor is, who knows the most about the school and is most likely to help you. Then go to him and tell him that you're looking for an advocate to deal with the campus bureaucracy. If s/he can't help you him/herself, s/he may be able to point you to someone who can.

    What do you tell your parents? Tell them "This is my problem and this is how I am going to solve it." Or tell them "This is my problem. Can you help me solve it?" They don't want you out of school anymore than you do. They may be able to come down and work some angry-parent juju on the campus administration.

    Present yourself as someone who is solving a problem. Don't show weakness to them unless you're sure it's appropriate. Make them your allies in the cause of staying in school. Point them at the administration as the problem to be solved, not at you. Be prepared to demonstrate that you are putting forth maximum effort but you're going to need help.

    Find someone who is not holding you to expectations to give you strength and encouragement, someone who will give you the power you need to confront the admin and the parents and the prof and bend them to your will.

    Go get 'em! Life is tough ,but we beat it senseless and wrench something worth living from it's cold, bleeding hands

    Spoiler
    Show

    Some good advice here, thank you.

    I believe that my current course of action is to continue in the class (she made some vague comment about my passing if I do everything she asks of me, not sure what that is yet, probably just perfect attendance).

    I have a few friends in the faculty and more in the staff, so I can probably get a few advocates on my side. I don't really want to have to lodge an academic grievance, but I will if I have to.

    The thing that really cheeses me off is that her attendance policy doesn't list that we can fail for missing classes, doesn't say what the penalty is for missing more than three classes, and isn't even a part of the grading rubric for the course. When I pointed this out, she basically dismissed it and called me stupid. I... do not take well to that. She argued that this is a normal policy, but in my entire education career (6+ years now) I have never seen an attendance policy like this (normally, if you miss too much class you also don't get any assignments turned in and fail that way; I've turned in everything we've been assigned thus far).

    I really just do not like being treated like a child and disrespected so much by a professor, especially one I actually liked and thought I was building a rapport with.

    We'll see how the next few days go and what advice my advocates give me. We will see.

    Thanks for the help, pendell.


    Quote Originally Posted by Sholos View Post
    That sucks. I've heard of some bad teachers, but this is one of the worst cases I've ever heard. Unfortunately it sounds like you've really done everything you can as far as the teacher goes. Only possible thing would be to take it up with the head of the department, maybe, or administration? Other than that, I don't know.

    Oh, and that stuff pendell said. That's good advice.
    Yeah, it's ugly. I've never heard of something this bad and I've been on the wrong end of some bad professors before.

    All that I say applies only to myself. You author your own actions and choices. I cannot and will not be responsible for you, nor are you for me, regardless of situation or circumstance.

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