New OOTS products from CafePress
New OOTS t-shirts, ornaments, mugs, bags, and more
Page 30 of 50 FirstFirst ... 5202122232425262728293031323334353637383940 ... LastLast
Results 871 to 900 of 1500
  1. - Top - End - #871
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    The Succubus's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    UK
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    I just liked the rather cute and fluffy owl in the cartoons >.>

  2. - Top - End - #872
    Troll in the Playground
    Join Date
    Mar 2010

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Rawhide View Post
    There's nothing wrong with the phrase "a cry for help" and there's nothing pathetic about needing help. The sentiment is good, that the person is strong but just can't do it alone, but there is nothing wrong with the phrase "a cry for help" and, as I've mentioned, by attacking it the author is undermining their point.

    A cry for help is exactly what it is. Fight the impression that people are weak, don't fight the truth.
    The problem is, even if YOU don't read into the statement the way the author was criticizing, others do. Perhaps its different depending on location (I see yours as Australia). The term "a cry for help" in north america will almost certainly invoke a feel of weakness or even helplessness from the person doing the crying out. Saying something was "a cry for help" is not the same thing as saying, for example, he cried out for help (in like your swimming example). There's a subtlety in language there that is being picked at by the author of the comic. There IS nothing wrong with asking for help, its just that the term "a cry for help" has connotations that do imply there is something wrong and that is what the comic was speaking out against.

  3. - Top - End - #873
    Miniature Giant Space Hamster in the Playground Administrator
     
    Rawhide's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Australia
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Chen View Post
    The problem is, even if YOU don't read into the statement the way the author was criticizing, others do. Perhaps its different depending on location (I see yours as Australia). The term "a cry for help" in north america will almost certainly invoke a feel of weakness or even helplessness from the person doing the crying out. Saying something was "a cry for help" is not the same thing as saying, for example, he cried out for help (in like your swimming example). There's a subtlety in language there that is being picked at by the author of the comic. There IS nothing wrong with asking for help, its just that the term "a cry for help" has connotations that do imply there is something wrong and that is what the comic was speaking out against.
    Fight the perception, not the truth. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the phrase "a cry for help". Arguing against the phrase shows the person's ignorance and undermines the point of the message.

    "My Hobby: Replacing your soap with gravy" by rtg0922, Doll and Clint "Rawhide" Eastwood by Sneak

  4. - Top - End - #874
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Planetar

    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Raleigh NC
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Agree with rawhide.

    When you're drowning, there's nothing wrong with crying for help.

    And there's no shame in a crutch when you have a broken leg.

    So emotional wounds aren't visible. Doesn't mean they aren't real.

    And if society thinks the best approach to dealing with a wounded, crippled person is to ridicule them, then it is society which has the problem, not the wounded person.

    Still, it does make sense to be careful who you cry to help to. I've found my wife's parakeets to be much like people. Which is, the first clue I have that a parakeet is sick is that the other parakeets are trying very hard to kill him.

    The little feathery [self-scrubbed] have no tolerance for weakness. As a result, an individual bird will desperately hide its weakness from the other birds. If it shows weakness, it's because it has become so sick that it is at death's door. By then, it is usually too late.

    Happily, people aren't all like birds. There are a few people you can trust to show your weaknesses to , who will help you with your problems and not use it as an excuse to judge, condemn, or ridicule. That's simply the standard herd response to weakness in its midst -- to drive it out.

    But there are a few individuals in this world who will help you up rather than kick you in the face. We call such people ... friends?

    Respectfully,

    Brian P.
    "Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later, that debt is paid."

    -Valery Legasov in Chernobyl

  5. - Top - End - #875
    Troll in the Playground
    Join Date
    Mar 2010

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    I think both of you are missing the point. There is nothing wrong with needing help. The term "a cry for help" has connotations to it though, and they are generally negative. This is how the phrase has evolved. As far as I've experienced its never the person who needs the help who uses the phrase. Its others seeing an action of someone who needs help and uses it like "Oh, action X is a cry for help from that person". I've never personally heard someone say "I did X as a cry for help". The phrase is what the comic was fighting against using THE EXACT arguments you guys are. I understood the comic to be preaching about not using the phrase since most people know the negative connotation of the phrase and as such the use of the phrase is denigrating towards the person who needs the help.

  6. - Top - End - #876
    Miniature Giant Space Hamster in the Playground Administrator
     
    Rawhide's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Australia
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Chen View Post
    I think both of you are missing the point. There is nothing wrong with needing help. The term "a cry for help" has connotations to it though, and they are generally negative. This is how the phrase has evolved. As far as I've experienced its never the person who needs the help who uses the phrase. Its others seeing an action of someone who needs help and uses it like "Oh, action X is a cry for help from that person". I've never personally heard someone say "I did X as a cry for help". The phrase is what the comic was fighting against using THE EXACT arguments you guys are. I understood the comic to be preaching about not using the phrase since most people know the negative connotation of the phrase and as such the use of the phrase is denigrating towards the person who needs the help.
    I'd argue that it is you who is missing the point. I've never heard it used as a negative connotation, not in the way you suggest, and if it is, it is that connotation which should be fought, not the phrase.

    And it doesn't matter who uses the phrase. In many cases, a depressed or mentally ill person cannot or will not see certain things the way they are. It is unlikely that they would call it any variation of "a cry for help", regardless of the connotation.

    "My Hobby: Replacing your soap with gravy" by rtg0922, Doll and Clint "Rawhide" Eastwood by Sneak

  7. - Top - End - #877
    Ogre in the Playground
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Charlottesville
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Like I already said, my experiences match up exactly with Chen's. I have never heard the phrase "cry for help" used in a positive light. It has always been used to put down the person actually crying out for help as if needing help was wrong. Hence the comic telling people that someone needing help isn't wrong or bad.
    Tali avatar by the talented Thormag.

  8. - Top - End - #878
    Miniature Giant Space Hamster in the Playground Administrator
     
    Rawhide's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Australia
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Sholos View Post
    Like I already said, my experiences match up exactly with Chen's. I have never heard the phrase "cry for help" used in a positive light. It has always been used to put down the person actually crying out for help as if needing help was wrong. Hence the comic telling people that someone needing help isn't wrong or bad.
    And like I said, I agree that there's nothing wrong with needing help.

    I've refrained from using the word positive, because there's no way I can see it as positive in the same way as there's no way I can see, say, a car crash resulting in physical injury as positive. But, at the same time, the phrase itself is not negative.

    Tell people that it is not wrong to need help, fight any negative perception of the phrase, don't argue that the phrase itself is wrong. The phrase is correct, the phrase is used correctly a lot of the time, arguing against the phrase itself is a waste of time and undermines the point of the message.

    "My Hobby: Replacing your soap with gravy" by rtg0922, Doll and Clint "Rawhide" Eastwood by Sneak

  9. - Top - End - #879
    Titan in the Playground
     
    HalfTangible's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    The Primus Imperium
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Rawhide View Post
    And like I said, I agree that there's nothing wrong with needing help.

    I've refrained from using the word positive, because there's no way I can see it as positive in the same way as there's no way I can see, say, a car crash resulting in physical injury as positive. But, at the same time, the phrase itself is not negative.

    Tell people that it is not wrong to need help, fight any negative perception of the phrase, don't argue that the phrase itself is wrong. The phrase is correct, the phrase is used correctly a lot of the time, arguing against the phrase itself is a waste of time and undermines the point of the message.
    All due respect... i REALLY do not see the point of this argument.

    The phrase 'happy birthday', to me, conjures memories crying beneath a staircase, massive headaches, and raging and screaming. As you said yourself, arguing against the meaning of a phrase does absolutely NOTHING so stop arguing that it isn't in a negative light, as if that would somehow negate the main point that you're not supposed to take pity on people who are depressed. Because it DOESN'T.

    It is a wonderful sentiment that you shouldn't pity the depressed when you give them help. Please stop associating it with a pointless discussion over the minutia of the phrase chosen.
    Last edited by HalfTangible; 2013-02-05 at 04:44 PM.
    Hate me if you want. But that's your issue to fix, not mine.

    Primal ego vos, estis ex nihilo.

    When Gods Go To War comes out March 8th

    Discord: HalfTangible

    Extended Sig

  10. - Top - End - #880
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    PirateGirl

    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Sea Monkey paradise
    Gender
    Female

    frown Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Hm. I'd like to voice an enraged scream for assistance.

    Seriously, though: that does seem to be what it takes. This summer I fell down a steep incline and broke my collarbone. It was painful and debilitating. I missed five months of work, which was depressing. And worse: I live alone. Since I could not drive a car, I was fairly isolated and lonely. And although I'd moved across country to be closer to my family, none of them seemed to be able to find the time to help me out.

    Now I'm back at work and trying to get my life back together. And my family is fussing at me for not following through on certain tasks during the five months I had a wing down.Are you *kidding* me? I had my arm in a sling! I was in pain!

    I feel like I help others and the favor never gets returned. And I feel that no one believes how badly I was hurt, possibly because I've never been hurt that bad before. Or possibly because, frankly, people are being a little selfish.

    It makes me feel tired and disrespected and undervalued.

    I am a sad monkey.

    .

    "I don't swear just for the hell of it." -Henry Drummond, Inherit the Wind


    .

  11. - Top - End - #881
    Troll in the Playground
     
    MonkGuy

    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by MonkeyBusiness View Post
    -Snip-
    I am a sad monkey.
    I'm sorry that happened to you, MonkeyBusiness. It sounds really unfair.

    I've noticed that a lot of myopic self-centered social introversion is going on these days... perhaps it's a sign of the tough times. Everyone is so wrapped up in their own problems, they forget that other people are struggling too.

    That said, I think it's always best to not count merits or stack debts. The fact that you help others is wonderful, but you're only setting yourself up for a lifetime of bitterness if you expect a return on your investment. It's better to hope that they pay the kindness forward than backward.

    In the meantime, do what you can with the strength you have, and stand up to those who would give you a hard time about what you could accomplish while you were out with an injury. Face them with dignity, knowing that you've done what you could, and they'll just have to suck it up and be patient with you while you catch up, unless of course, they'd like to carry some of the burden for you.

    You'll catch up eventually, and life will return to normal, or some degree of normalcy anyway.

    If you want, keep me posted. I'm cheering for you.
    PbP Junk and Stuff:
    My Characters:
    I am currently not a player in a game, and would be mostly interested in joining 5E games.
    My Campaigns:
    For the Republic of Ishtar! A 5E Campaign

    My PbP color is dark red.
    My Player Registry
    My DM Registry

    Jormengand's Advice on Character Development

  12. - Top - End - #882
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Archpaladin Zousha's Avatar

    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Hastings, MN
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    I've been thinking a lot about opportunity cost. I'm starting to think I'm going to waste the rest of my life making up for my mistakes.

    It all starts with one mistake. You try to make up for that mistake and then you make another one. So you try to make up for that one and you make another mistake. This goes on and on until you're gone, when it would have been better to just NOT make the mistake in the first place. Then you could go on and make the right choices again and again and have a happy fulfilling life, instead of one like mine, where it's just bad decision after bad decision hobbled out of the gate by my mental disorder.
    Last edited by Archpaladin Zousha; 2013-02-06 at 12:08 AM.
    "Reach down into your heart and you'll find many reasons to fight. Survival. Honor. Glory. But what about those who feel it's their duty to protect the innocent? There you'll find a warrior savage enough to match any dragon, and in the end, they'll retain what the others won't. Their humanity."

  13. - Top - End - #883
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    The Succubus's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    UK
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by MonkeyBusiness View Post
    Hm. I'd like to voice an enraged scream for assistance.

    Seriously, though: that does seem to be what it takes. This summer I fell down a steep incline and broke my collarbone. It was painful and debilitating. I missed five months of work, which was depressing. And worse: I live alone. Since I could not drive a car, I was fairly isolated and lonely. And although I'd moved across country to be closer to my family, none of them seemed to be able to find the time to help me out.

    Now I'm back at work and trying to get my life back together. And my family is fussing at me for not following through on certain tasks during the five months I had a wing down. Are you *kidding* me? I had my arm in a sling! I was in pain!

    I feel like I help others and the favor never gets returned. And I feel that no one believes how badly I was hurt, possibly because I've never been hurt that bad before. Or possibly because, frankly, people are being a little selfish.

    It makes me feel tired and disrespected and undervalued.

    I am a sad monkey.

    .
    *hugs tightly*

    As someone that has benefited from both your wisdom and your support when I was feeling at my lowest, I could never thank you enough for that. You have been a wonderfully positive influence on my life and an awesome friend.

    You've always struck me as being a very strong and determined person, even if you're not quite feeling it at the moment. The problem is that that kind of thing can backfire on you, as it has with your folks. Because you've always seemed calm and centred, your family may be thinking that there's nothing wrong and as such, they feel they can treat you like this. After all, it was very selfish of you to spend several months in excruciating pain - time off sick is the same thing as being on a relaxing holiday, right?

    I'm afraid I don't really have much in the way of useful advice for you m'dear but I can give you a little encouragement. I know for a fact that I'm not the only Playgrounder you've been there for when they've been down - just flicking through the previous P:WA tells me that much. You bring light and warmth into the lives of others and I know these forums would not be the same without you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Archpaladin Zousha View Post
    I've been thinking a lot about opportunity cost. I'm starting to think I'm going to waste the rest of my life making up for my mistakes.

    It all starts with one mistake. You try to make up for that mistake and then you make another one. So you try to make up for that one and you make another mistake. This goes on and on until you're gone, when it would have been better to just NOT make the mistake in the first place. Then you could go on and make the right choices again and again and have a happy fulfilling life, instead of one like mine, where it's just bad decision after bad decision hobbled out of the gate by my mental disorder.
    You've just discovered the thing that humans do better than any other creature in the cosmos: making mistakes.

    The thing is, although we often bounce around concepts like karma, cosmic justice and the idea of some final post-mortem exam totting up how well we did in life....for myself, I don't believe life works that way. The closest I get to that sort of thing is a belief that life has a rather odd and sadistically vicious sense of humour. The car breaks down in *just* that spot, the post office goes on strike on *just* that day you send off an important letter...it's as though life is a D&D game and the DM has a Fumble table drawn up in [insert negative afterlife of your choice].

    It's tempting to try and go back to fix things you've done wrong. If I ever invented a machine that allowed humans to do that, I'd be a trillionaire in a week. Sadly, such a machine will be forever beyond the reach of humans or anyone else - a society that never made mistakes would be a horribly dull place to live. Because every once in a while, a mistake can be a positive thing. Penicillin was discovered by accident, or to put it another way, through a mistake.

    Of course, making a scientific mistake is one thing, making a personal mistake is another. You may have said or done something to someone that you feel bad about, or they feel hurt because of your actions. Although we don't have a machine that can fix the past, we do have the next best thing:

    "Sorry."

    It won't fix the world but it isn't meant to. It's just a word we have to say "I regret what I did and I will do my best not to do it again". Saying the word sorry is easy - you just send breath past the vocal chords and it comes out of the mouth. Sincerely *meaning* it is a whole other kettle of fish. The thing here is that the mistake you've made is one that you fear you're going to make again, despite this.

    Accept it.

    You're trying to come up with a contingency plan to try and repair whatever damage is done by the mistake but you're doing so while frazzled with worry and guilt. If this truly is beyond you to fix, admit it and give yourself a sense of peace. "I am sorry that I did XYZ, I will try my hardest not to make the mistake again but if I do, please forgive me."

  14. - Top - End - #884
    Ogre in the Playground
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Earth?
    Gender
    Intersex

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Waffling on about myself - unlikely to make for a productive use of one's time. (feel free to go and look at pictures of kittens instead)
    Spoiler
    Show

    I don't generally post in these threads often. While it's true my own problems have sort of slipped off the list of suitable topics since the threads become 'Personal Woes and Advice' rather than what they were previously, that's not really the main reason.
    In terms of advice, I've never really had all that much to give - probably not as much as I should have. Despite my long history with depression, I don't generally have much in the way of suggestions on coping mechanisms because my own method wasn't really anything more than 'keep buggering on' until that wasn't possible any more. Advice on life (with or without depression) is also not really something I feel able to comment on much, simply because for that last couple I have not actually had a life. If I'm honest, I'd struggle to even call my last couple of years an existence.


    For my own problems though, talking about them always had it's problems anyway. Depression's been a fairly constant feature of my existence since I was about 12-13 and so most of the things I would mention would likely just develop the same despondent predictability of a Welsh weather-forecast. The more 'interesting' changes in that - when not taking the form of something unsuitable for the forum - generally don't give much option for response either. There's not really much to be said about instances of dissociation and/or depersonalising really.
    In fact, conversation in general has seldom proved useful. Contrary to what my persona may have indicated at times, I don't usually enjoy distressing other people and realistically that's usually all my talking to other people about my depression problems ever achieves. Aside from the times it provokes hostility or starts arguments, obviously. I don't like other people on the spot, but that's often how talking about the subject comes across. That may be why I find it easier to direct this at faceless strangers over the internet.

    So, why am I saying this now? Honestly, I don't really know. A lot of it is probably that I just don't really care anymore, and I don't feel like I have the energy to make myself care. A result hollow weariness, that feels like it's leaking out from inside your bones - some of you may know the sensation, as it's not been terribly uncommon for me.
    The other possible reason is that I just felt like I should try and say it somewhere, just to see if it was still possible. Or just so I'd could look back and say I did, if I ever felt the need to look back.

    Anyway, I'll probably end-up deleting this eventually if I come to my sense. Until then, there it is.

  15. - Top - End - #885
    Retired Mod in the Playground Retired Moderator
     
    DrowGirl

    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Leeds, UK
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    With regards my previous posts: it looks like, having spoken with accessabilty, it's definitely a sensory/work overload issue. Work management is the main issue, and I'm getting too much of a "I can't cope any more, too much stuff (both work and social related)!". Which I'm now going to be helped with.

    On another positive note: My third exam mark was good, and my phone bill for this month isn't higher than normal because of calls to the doctor. Think this is the first time in a long time I've had a month without having to see the doc.
    Last edited by Castaras; 2013-02-06 at 08:33 AM.
    "I'm just going on motive and opportunity here and the fact that if the earth got swallowed by a black hole, I'd look suspiciously in your direction first."
    ~ Timberwolf

    "I blame Castaras. You know... In general."
    ~ KuReshtin

    "Castaras - An absolutely adorable facade that hides a truly ruthless streak."
    ~ The Succubus

  16. - Top - End - #886
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    The Succubus's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    UK
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr.Silver View Post
    Waffling on about myself - unlikely to make for a productive use of one's time. (feel free to go and look at pictures of kittens instead)
    Spoiler
    Show

    I don't generally post in these threads often. While it's true my own problems have sort of slipped off the list of suitable topics since the threads become 'Personal Woes and Advice' rather than what they were previously, that's not really the main reason.
    In terms of advice, I've never really had all that much to give - probably not as much as I should have. Despite my long history with depression, I don't generally have much in the way of suggestions on coping mechanisms because my own method wasn't really anything more than 'keep buggering on' until that wasn't possible any more. Advice on life (with or without depression) is also not really something I feel able to comment on much, simply because for that last couple I have not actually had a life. If I'm honest, I'd struggle to even call my last couple of years an existence.


    For my own problems though, talking about them always had it's problems anyway. Depression's been a fairly constant feature of my existence since I was about 12-13 and so most of the things I would mention would likely just develop the same despondent predictability of a Welsh weather-forecast. The more 'interesting' changes in that - when not taking the form of something unsuitable for the forum - generally don't give much option for response either. There's not really much to be said about instances of dissociation and/or depersonalising really.
    In fact, conversation in general has seldom proved useful. Contrary to what my persona may have indicated at times, I don't usually enjoy distressing other people and realistically that's usually all my talking to other people about my depression problems ever achieves. Aside from the times it provokes hostility or starts arguments, obviously. I don't like other people on the spot, but that's often how talking about the subject comes across. That may be why I find it easier to direct this at faceless strangers over the internet.

    So, why am I saying this now? Honestly, I don't really know. A lot of it is probably that I just don't really care anymore, and I don't feel like I have the energy to make myself care. A result hollow weariness, that feels like it's leaking out from inside your bones - some of you may know the sensation, as it's not been terribly uncommon for me.
    The other possible reason is that I just felt like I should try and say it somewhere, just to see if it was still possible. Or just so I'd could look back and say I did, if I ever felt the need to look back.

    Anyway, I'll probably end-up deleting this eventually if I come to my sense. Until then, there it is.
    I hope you don't delete it. Sometimes its therapeutic to write these things down, even if (or especially if) you can't pin it down in your head. It might also help other folks as well; they might see something they recognise, or analysing another's issues can sometimes grant them insight into their own.

    Quote Originally Posted by Castaras View Post
    With regards my previous posts: it looks like, having spoken with accessabilty, it's definitely a sensory/work overload issue. Work management is the main issue, and I'm getting too much of a "I can't cope any more, too much stuff (both work and social related)!". Which I'm now going to be helped with.

    On another positive note: My third exam mark was good, and my phone bill for this month isn't higher than normal because of calls to the doctor. Think this is the first time in a long time I've had a month without having to see the doc.
    Yay! Good news is good news!

  17. - Top - End - #887
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
    Morbis Meh's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Location
    The Velvet Room
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by MonkeyBusiness View Post
    It makes me feel tired and disrespected and undervalued.

    I am a sad monkey.

    .
    I know how you feel, my family is rather similiar but i have grown to accept that from them. I myself am not even contacted by my siblings unless they need for some type of physcial labour or general favor that i can do for them. It does hurt but I have learned to deal with it, I help when I can and never expect anything in return (heck they always blather on about how I am always obligated to help them because I share a minute amount of genetic material with them ). Some people are just like that and you can either take comfort in the fact that you are a good person for being helpful (which I can say you are definitely a valued person on these forums) or you can become angry which is never helpful. I have trained myself to disregard my family's selfishness, especially my youngest sister, and kept being true to myself and my beliefs. Of course I had a massive amount of help from my fiancee but I am more happy for it. I have no doubt that you will bounce back and be your cheerful monkey self, just hang in there and know that you are valued by others and are a good person.

    ...wow my forum name isn't really that cheerful
    Blarg...

  18. - Top - End - #888
    Dwarf in the Playground
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    This virtual neurospace.

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Something really difficult has come up, and so I can only turn to the anonymity of the interwebs for answers. These questions are really only a fragment of the issue, but they are the most pressing ones (and arguably the other topics are better covered in the RWA and LGBTA threads if I wanted to talk about them). So I'm keeping this quite general.

    If a very good friend of yours is extremely drunk and tells you something highly personal and important, but afterwards doesn't remember they've done so, how do you deal with the situation? Should you tell them what they said, what you know? How they've acted? What about if the thing they've said could be quite embarrassing or have complicated outcomes? What if knowing what they've told you has significant consequences for your friendship? Would it be better to try and pretend nothing happened?

    I'm really not sure how to react to this situation, but I need to figure it out before I speak to this person again. I'm confident we can talk out any difficulties if it comes to it, but I don't know if even bringing up the topic with my friend is a good thing to do. I'd find absolutely any input in any direction helpful in some way.
    Burning feathers; not an angel

  19. - Top - End - #889
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Thajocoth's Avatar

    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Austin TX
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    That is difficult.

    I have knowledge of things that my girl has told me that I avoid speaking about. I'd love to know more about these events in her life, but they're really bad for her; triggers. For some of these, I'm not entirely certain she knows she told me, or how much she told me. I keep the information, don't bring it up, and use what I can of it to her advantage.

    It gets hard though. Sometimes I consider talking about these things with randoms on Omegle or something, as it's anonymous & temporary enough, but am unsure if that's good to satisfy the urge to talk about it, or bad since I've been trusted with this info, and I err on the side of caution.

    So, that's what I'd recommend. Err on the side of caution. Don't bring it up. Don't tell anyone. Use the information to help them if the chance to do so comes up.
    Avatar by me. It's Incendius Darkscale, a Good Dragonborn Dragon Sorcerer, Demonskin Adept, Prince of Hell, worshiper of the Platinum Dragon (Bahamut), specializing in Fire and Lightning, wielding a staff in each hand.

  20. - Top - End - #890
    Ogre in the Playground
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Earth?
    Gender
    Intersex

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    I can't really agree with Thajocth here, mostly because of this:

    Quote Originally Posted by Nameless Ghost View Post
    What if knowing what they've told you has significant consequences for your friendship?
    If this is the case then trying to hide this is probably not going to work - because the mere fact that you know what you know has already altered your relationship. Realistically speaking, burying that is very difficult, because the damage has already been done. Unless you can force yourself to forget it then in either case the course of your friendship is going to depend on how you come to terms with this - whether by yourself or with your friend.
    Now, obviously I don't know the specifics so please take this with a large portion of salt, but my instinct would be to let them know that you know. Don't force a discussion about it, make it clear if they don't want to talk about it or aren't ready to talk about don't push them into it, but do let them know that this has occurred. How specific you are about what they said and/or did will depend on the circumstances and your own judgement. My worry is that if something like this exists then if you don't address it it's just going to be hanging over the friendship until it comes out again. Given that, my inclination is that it should be acknowledged, so that at least you're both on the same level about it.

    Really though, I'm afraid this is going to be your question to answer. Fundamentally it comes down to this: is avoiding the consequences of letting your friend know worth paying the cost of trying to carry-on like nothing happened? Would you be able to carry-on like nothing happened if that's what you decided to do?
    Last edited by Mx.Silver; 2013-02-06 at 08:21 PM.

  21. - Top - End - #891
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Thajocoth's Avatar

    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Austin TX
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    I'm not suggesting hiding or burying it. I'm suggesting not bringing it up. There's a difference there. No lying, for one. If they bring it up again, then whatever you already know is fair game for the conversation. It's simply allowing them to have control over the topic.
    Avatar by me. It's Incendius Darkscale, a Good Dragonborn Dragon Sorcerer, Demonskin Adept, Prince of Hell, worshiper of the Platinum Dragon (Bahamut), specializing in Fire and Lightning, wielding a staff in each hand.

  22. - Top - End - #892
    Dwarf in the Playground
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    This virtual neurospace.

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    To not bring it up at all feels deceitful given the nature of the situation, even if there is no outright lying done, particularly when now knowing it will surely change our friendship in all kinds of ways. I don't like the idea of us not being on even ground.

    This friend has brought up the topic, hinted at it, previously (and each time only when drunk, for what that's worth). As a result we have talked about it on occasion. The topic is fine, but the exact content... I suppose I could frame that in the sense of we've discussed a question or possibility, but it was only this recent conversation when my friend gave what seemed to be a very sure answer. Every other time my friend has said that it's is confusing at that point and we ought to talk about it later on.

    My inclination is to do similarly to as Mr Silver suggested, to say, "hey, about that other night; you told me something quite significant and personal; do you want to know what you said/did?". And if my friend would rather leave it be without knowing what I know I won't bring it up again until the topic naturally resurfaces.
    Burning feathers; not an angel

  23. - Top - End - #893
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Thajocoth's Avatar

    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Austin TX
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    That still puts power of discussing/knowing it or not in their hands, just more actively rather than passively. I hadn't realized that this was a repetitious topic. What you just said is probably best then.
    Avatar by me. It's Incendius Darkscale, a Good Dragonborn Dragon Sorcerer, Demonskin Adept, Prince of Hell, worshiper of the Platinum Dragon (Bahamut), specializing in Fire and Lightning, wielding a staff in each hand.

  24. - Top - End - #894
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    NecromancerGuy

    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Location
    Ritzville Washington
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    So I sort of have a decision to make, and I really don't want to. I will still make it, but I want to procrastinate it a few days longer.

    I have a job position that just opened up.

    Pros:
    Going from 30/hr part time to 50/hr full time
    Benefits
    In Seattle, that means more opportunities later right?
    The work would be easier than what I do now.

    Cons:
    I do poorly around lots of people
    Its 6 hours from family
    I have drug history, and am only partially clean because of no access, and I
    like it that way.
    I have a very difficult time living alone because of medical.

    I just wish the damn job was out here in the sticks so I didn't have to live in Seattle. I have no clue why I wrote this now that I am done, but I will still post it.

  25. - Top - End - #895
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    dehro's Avatar

    Join Date
    May 2007
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    be practical.. if you can afford staying on the 30h income and it helps you keep your life in check, go for that.. if you can't afford it or you value the opportunity enough to really want it, find out everything you can about the job, how to fit in the best given your particular situation, how to keep yourself in check.
    is there any way for you to rapidly craft a safety net in Seattle..something to keep you from lapsing into old habits?

    look into it
    All hail Smutmulch for crafting my avatar!
    Quote Originally Posted by kpenguin View Post
    Cursed zombies are more realistic.
    Spoiler: siggatar and previous avatars.
    Show

    the Badass Monkby Avi. Aktarus by Chd. Dehro by Wojiz


  26. - Top - End - #896
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    The Succubus's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    UK
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    be practical.. if you can afford staying on the 30h income and it helps you keep your life in check, go for that.. if you can't afford it or you value the opportunity enough to really want it, find out everything you can about the job, how to fit in the best given your particular situation, how to keep yourself in check.
    is there any way for you to rapidly craft a safety net in Seattle..something to keep you from lapsing into old habits?

    look into it
    If you feel happyish with where your life is at present than stick with it. If you feel that there will be a big improvement in *happiness* by taking the new job then do so. Maybe a long distance commute would allow you to live out of town and away from the hassles and temptations of the big city?

  27. - Top - End - #897
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    rogueboy's Avatar

    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Seattle, WA
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Triggered by what my dad sent me with the Pokemon cards I gave to my supervisor (and the university's Pokemon club advisor) today, I realized something that actually terrifies me: I can forget things that are very good. And yes, I know I'm not alone in forgetting such things, so it's not that I see that as a failure.

    Old crush (from her, directed at me, I think) from summer camp 10+ years ago was specifically what I had forgotten, but the thought that I might forget other things, like my friends in high school, college, or my current friends at grad school (who I'll be leaving in a few months, since I'm graduating and plan to move across the country again) is a tough one for me to stomach.

    I guess I'm hoping that between facebook and texting, I'll be able to keep these friendships going, whereas the summer camp 'trigger' was pre-cell phone (by ~5yrs) and short-lived.

    Mostly just talking, not sure any particular response is required.
    Avatar courtesy of Prime32

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    you're like a male Felicia Day
    Spoiler
    Show
    Quote Originally Posted by DeadManSleeping View Post
    Witch doctors might tell you "ooh ee ooh ah ah ting tang wallawalla bing bang", but they give you that for everything, so most of us consider it a ridiculous scam.
    Quote Originally Posted by DeadManSleeping View Post
    When you're flopping about uncertainly like a Magikarp that just got sent in against a level 60 Venusaur, just go back to the basics.

  28. - Top - End - #898
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    GAThraawn's Avatar

    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    My flagship

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Nameless Ghost View Post
    To not bring it up at all feels deceitful given the nature of the situation, even if there is no outright lying done, particularly when now knowing it will surely change our friendship in all kinds of ways. I don't like the idea of us not being on even ground.

    This friend has brought up the topic, hinted at it, previously (and each time only when drunk, for what that's worth). As a result we have talked about it on occasion. The topic is fine, but the exact content... I suppose I could frame that in the sense of we've discussed a question or possibility, but it was only this recent conversation when my friend gave what seemed to be a very sure answer. Every other time my friend has said that it's is confusing at that point and we ought to talk about it later on.

    My inclination is to do similarly to as Mr Silver suggested, to say, "hey, about that other night; you told me something quite significant and personal; do you want to know what you said/did?". And if my friend would rather leave it be without knowing what I know I won't bring it up again until the topic naturally resurfaces.
    Given that you say this friend has brought this up before, while drunk, I would advise you to consider the possibility that whatever the secret is, it may be something that they very much want to share with you, but can't bring themselves to while they're sober. It would explain why it is a recurrent topic while they are drunk, and it's possible for people to get drunk with, at least partially, the intent to share things they couldn't otherwise. In which case they may even have a better memory of what they have shared than they're letting on, but are waiting to see what you do with your new-found knowledge.

    Alternately, it may be something important to them that they let slip by accident (and knowing what the secret is will make it easier for you to guess at this. "I want to marry you" is the kind of thing someone might get themselves drunk to blurt out, "I killed a man" probably less so), but in either case I think it is respectful to them to give them the chance to know what you know now about them.
    Thrawn avatar by Oregano, Isard avatar by Introbulus.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mando Knight View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Noedig View Post
    Sounds good. And I wish you the best. Only heed this advice: No plan survives first contact with the enemy.
    Unless you're Thrawn, in which case no enemy survives first contact with the Plan.
    0eB+0eA+0eP+0eS+0eD+0eC+0eF Dice Roller

  29. - Top - End - #899
    Troll in the Playground
     
    MonkGuy

    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    I just found out yesterday that I was held back from a promotion at work by my supervisor.

    TEST WALL ALERT! TL;DR summary:
    I'm so frustrated. How do you get ahead in your career if your own supervisor is withholding opportunities from you?

    Spoiler
    Show
    The company sent out a memo that all employees were supposed to get, that they basically were holding open enrollment for my dream position. Any employee who wanted an interview simply had to apply, but they had to drop their application by the end of January. The first time I heard about this was yesterday, when I called my HR director for an update on open positions for the training program. She mentioned that she was surprised I didn't enroll because she knew I'd been gunning for that position for almost a year. It would more than double my salary.

    When I spoke to my supervisor about this, he admitted that he withheld that information from me because he didn't think I was ready, that I needed another year here before I should apply for the job. But that's not what my previous supervisor, or my mentor who trained me for the position has been saying throughout 2012. The two truly frustrating points about this is:
    • My supervisor requested me by name. I was transferred to work for him because of my reputation for being good at my job, and for previous good experiences he'd had from me (I filled in over at his location a few times). Since then I have taken on several projects that have improved the efficiency of my department, increased revenue for my location, and found more than my current annual salary in lost and misappropriated funds that have since been collected and put back into our revenue. I've lived up to my reputation, and I've earned my salary many times over by now. What part about this suggests I'm not ready to take on more challenges?
    • Since my transfer over to this location, my supervisor and I have barely seen one another. We have completely different schedules, and he seems far less interested in the work I do than my previous supervisor. Once a week, the closest thing we come to a conversation, he lets me know he's going home. That's it. Considering how little interest he shows in my work, how is he supposed to know whether or not I'm ready for that promotion?


    When I confronted him with these issues, he promised me that, if I stayed with him for one more year, he would personally recommend me for the promotion. A personal recommendation from him would almost guarantee the position. He's got so many awards from the company they no longer fit on his office walls. He's got them splayed out all over the main hall. But how can I trust him? It wasn't his position to withhold that information from me. His superiors wanted that memo to go out to all employees. Why was I the only one left out? My HR director made it clear that whether or not a supervisor thought I was ready for the position was irrelevant. Everyone, regardless of experience, education, qualifications, or rank in the company, was given the opportunity to interview for the slot. Why do I get the feeling that my boss is keeping me for himself? Instead of letting me secure a brighter future for my family, he gets one more year of me making him rich. All that money I made for the company, all that money I found... all that was reflected in his month end bonuses. I did the math. He made 130% of my annual salary in monthly bonuses alone, and I helped him get to that point.

    What have I done... did I actually do my job too well?!

    I've been raging about this since yesterday, obviously. As of this year, the new policy is that open enrollment will be held every January, and no in house promotions will be offered for the rest of the year. So I'm blockaded until January 2014. Murmurings throughout the company suggest a hiring and wage-increase freeze that year as they brace and re-bugdet for Obamacare, so there's a chance my dream job won't even be available next year.

    My Question:
    Has anyone here on the forum ever had to bust through the proverbial glass ceiling before? How did you do it? How do you rise above your status in life when the powers that be are intentionally holding you back?

    To be fair, I have a few blaring weaknesses that have also held me back over the years:
    1. I'm not the most charismatic person I know. It takes a while for people to like me. Once they get to know me, though, they become loyal, life-long friends. I'm not particularly shy, I'm just socially awkward.
    2. I'm a terrible liar. You'd think that would be a quality, but in the work place, if you want to get ahead, lying is a powerful asset for upward mobility. I'm painfully honest, to my own detriment. That's not to say I'm always right, or that I always tell the truth. I just would rather suffer for the truth, than prevail through a lie, so I'm very unpracticed at dishonesty.
    3. I never finished college. Every milestone I've reached in my life has been from the sweat of my brow. I was born in poverty, in a hospital that was condemned after my birth, and raised in a slum that I almost died in three times before reaching puberty. I've been homeless twice in my life. I've crawled my way out of homelessness to being able to provide a financially sustainable life for my wife and son, and while I've made fleeting attempts at a continued education several times in my life, there's either not been enough money, enough time, or both. My work ethic is my strongest selling point... but that's not something that is evidential on a resume. Without that degree, I've always been capped on how far I can go.
    PbP Junk and Stuff:
    My Characters:
    I am currently not a player in a game, and would be mostly interested in joining 5E games.
    My Campaigns:
    For the Republic of Ishtar! A 5E Campaign

    My PbP color is dark red.
    My Player Registry
    My DM Registry

    Jormengand's Advice on Character Development

  30. - Top - End - #900
    Titan in the Playground
     
    HalfTangible's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    The Primus Imperium
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by inexorabletruth View Post
    I just found out yesterday that I was held back from a promotion at work by my supervisor.

    TEST WALL ALERT! TL;DR summary:
    I'm so frustrated. How do you get ahead in your career if your own supervisor is withholding opportunities from you?

    Spoiler
    Show
    The company sent out a memo that all employees were supposed to get, that they basically were holding open enrollment for my dream position. Any employee who wanted an interview simply had to apply, but they had to drop their application by the end of January. The first time I heard about this was yesterday, when I called my HR director for an update on open positions for the training program. She mentioned that she was surprised I didn't enroll because she knew I'd been gunning for that position for almost a year. It would more than double my salary.

    When I spoke to my supervisor about this, he admitted that he withheld that information from me because he didn't think I was ready, that I needed another year here before I should apply for the job. But that's not what my previous supervisor, or my mentor who trained me for the position has been saying throughout 2012. The two truly frustrating points about this is:
    • My supervisor requested me by name. I was transferred to work for him because of my reputation for being good at my job, and for previous good experiences he'd had from me (I filled in over at his location a few times). Since then I have taken on several projects that have improved the efficiency of my department, increased revenue for my location, and found more than my current annual salary in lost and misappropriated funds that have since been collected and put back into our revenue. I've lived up to my reputation, and I've earned my salary many times over by now. What part about this suggests I'm not ready to take on more challenges?
    • Since my transfer over to this location, my supervisor and I have barely seen one another. We have completely different schedules, and he seems far less interested in the work I do than my previous supervisor. Once a week, the closest thing we come to a conversation, he lets me know he's going home. That's it. Considering how little interest he shows in my work, how is he supposed to know whether or not I'm ready for that promotion?


    When I confronted him with these issues, he promised me that, if I stayed with him for one more year, he would personally recommend me for the promotion. A personal recommendation from him would almost guarantee the position. He's got so many awards from the company they no longer fit on his office walls. He's got them splayed out all over the main hall. But how can I trust him? It wasn't his position to withhold that information from me. His superiors wanted that memo to go out to all employees. Why was I the only one left out? My HR director made it clear that whether or not a supervisor thought I was ready for the position was irrelevant. Everyone, regardless of experience, education, qualifications, or rank in the company, was given the opportunity to interview for the slot. Why do I get the feeling that my boss is keeping me for himself? Instead of letting me secure a brighter future for my family, he gets one more year of me making him rich. All that money I made for the company, all that money I found... all that was reflected in his month end bonuses. I did the math. He made 130% of my annual salary in monthly bonuses alone, and I helped him get to that point.

    What have I done... did I actually do my job too well?!

    I've been raging about this since yesterday, obviously. As of this year, the new policy is that open enrollment will be held every January, and no in house promotions will be offered for the rest of the year. So I'm blockaded until January 2014. Murmurings throughout the company suggest a hiring and wage-increase freeze that year as they brace and re-bugdet for Obamacare, so there's a chance my dream job won't even be available next year.

    My Question:
    Has anyone here on the forum ever had to bust through the proverbial glass ceiling before? How did you do it? How do you rise above your status in life when the powers that be are intentionally holding you back?

    To be fair, I have a few blaring weaknesses that have also held me back over the years:
    1. I'm not the most charismatic person I know. It takes a while for people to like me. Once they get to know me, though, they become loyal, life-long friends. I'm not particularly shy, I'm just socially awkward.
    2. I'm a terrible liar. You'd think that would be a quality, but in the work place, if you want to get ahead, lying is a powerful asset for upward mobility. I'm painfully honest, to my own detriment. That's not to say I'm always right, or that I always tell the truth. I just would rather suffer for the truth, than prevail through a lie, so I'm very unpracticed at dishonesty.
    3. I never finished college. Every milestone I've reached in my life has been from the sweat of my brow. I was born in poverty, in a hospital that was condemned after my birth, and raised in a slum that I almost died in three times before reaching puberty. I've been homeless twice in my life. I've crawled my way out of homelessness to being able to provide a financially sustainable life for my wife and son, and while I've made fleeting attempts at a continued education several times in my life, there's either not been enough money, enough time, or both. My work ethic is my strongest selling point... but that's not something that is evidential on a resume. Without that degree, I've always been capped on how far I can go.
    I had very small career goals when i worked at Kroger, ie, "keep my job", and my employer was nice (if a little absent-minded) to me. So I don't know much about this glass ceiling stuff. But if I might make a suggestion?

    From the sound of this story, the reason he's holding you back is that you're a very valuable subordinate to have. You could go over this guy's head, find somebody else who would be happy to have you work for them. Heck, if he neglected his duties, that's worth telling someone about, no matter how lauded he is.

    Granted, I don't know you or this person, so take everything i just said with a grain of salt lick.
    Hate me if you want. But that's your issue to fix, not mine.

    Primal ego vos, estis ex nihilo.

    When Gods Go To War comes out March 8th

    Discord: HalfTangible

    Extended Sig

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •