Personal Woes and Advice 2

[inexorabletruth]

You could go over this guy's head

I'm considering going above his head, but I live in an At-Will State. Texas as the fewest employee rights of any state in the union, and their labor laws supersede federal labor laws. If I go above my supervisor's head, get him in trouble and still don't get promoted from it, there's a very good chance he could fire me or make my life so miserable I'll have no option but to quit. Bosses do not like it when you go over their heads. I know from prior experience.

If I take this risk, I have to do it right. It has to result in a promotion.

[Rawhide]

Personally, I wouldn't stay at a job where that happens. If it was me, I'd take the risk and begin looking elsewhere at the same time - either with a different supervisor or at a different company.

[HalfTangible]

I'm considering going above his head, but I live in an At-Will State. Texas as the fewest employee rights of any state in the union, and their labor laws supersede federal labor laws. If I go above my supervisor's head, get him in trouble and still don't get promoted from it, there's a very good chance he could fire me or make my life so miserable I'll have no option but to quit. Bosses do not like it when you go over their heads. I know from prior experience.

If I take this risk, I have to do it right. It has to result in a promotion.

I live in Texas, and this may be my lack of experience talking but-

Personally, I wouldn't stay at a job where that happens. If it was me, I'd take the risk and begin looking elsewhere at the same time - either with a different supervisor or at a different company.

Yeah, that.

[inexorabletruth]

-Snip-

No disagreement there. I'm just not sure how to go about it successfully. If anyone's got any advice on how to get promoted without burning bridges, I'm all ears.

I like the company I work for. When my business failed in 2010, I lost every fiscal asset I owned. I floundered for almost a year, working odd cash jobs and couch surfing, with a wife and a 1 year old baby in tow, just trying to put food in their mouths until this company picked me up, dusted me off, gave me a place to live, a job that paid my bills and provided a comfortable, if humble, life for us. I owe this company everything, and I'm eternally grateful for them giving me the opportunity to take my dignity back and provide for my family.

So basically, I don't want to be forced to look for other work. I'll leave if that's what is best for my family, or the only option left for us, but if I can do this smoothly, I'd prefer that.

[dehro]

by the looks of it, the man is good at his job or he wouldn't have a collection of awards. he's also a supervisor, which means that half those awards are due to his team (you).. but people higher up will still value him for knowing how to manage his team, who to keep/pick etc etc.. you said he had you transferred to work under him, and this recent bit of pandering suggests he really wants it to stay so.. and will probably have things his way because of the contingent situation, for at least another year.
the net result is that either you apply to be transferred to work under someone else (without ever admitting that you do it to get out from under him) provided this doesn't put you out of the running for your dream job, or you look elsewhere if you want to move ahead before 2014.
In any other configuration (trying to go over his head) you risk making an enemy out of the man on whose goodwill your future at that company may well depend.
If the man is so well considered in the company he probably has connections built over the years and going over his head will come to his attention.
unless you've built your own connections there, connections that can ensure that you either land the job or get transferred beyond the man's reach, I think your only ally as far as company politics go may be the HR person you talked to..but that depends much on how much pull that person has and on the person's individual qualities.
you might want to bring the fact that you were intentionally hold back from possible promotion to the attention of that individual, but be aware that this might tag you as a troublemaker or, if HR decides to formally review the case, it could turn into a turd that might land on your boss' desk and paint a big ol' target on your back.
much depends on the size of the company and the balance of power between HR and your supervisor... and you're the only one who has much to loose if this should come out from behind the curtains.

[inexorabletruth]

I'm a little worried that you may be right dehro...

For reasons I can't pinpoint, I've never been good at making friends, so I'm not well connected. I know how to work hard and efficiently. I know how to assess problems and organize people. I'm a wizard at picking up slack and shouldering the burden without complaint or condemnation. I have no idea how to get people to like me though. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a jerk. Nobody I know particularly hates me. It's just, unless I've got a fifth of Jack Daniels down me, I really don't know how to talk to people, and I don't drink anymore, except for the occasional glass of wine on holidays. My jokes either come across as too vague, or too dry. The topics of conversation I know how to discuss are religion, sociology, politics and math... not good office convo. I wear out quickly in most social settings, and I'm inexplicably never around on the rare occasions the higher ups swing by the office, so even on the off chance I could make a good impression on them, I'm never around to take that shot.

I'm really jealous of those who know how to command an audience. They walk right into the room and everyone instantly falls in love with them.

I can take the safe road if I have to. Weighing the odds, it seems a lot safer to ride it out another year. I just hope he sticks to his word. If 2014 rolls by and he holds me down again, I'm really going to feel like an impotent moron.

[Chen]

dehro is probably right in his assessment. Office promotions can definitely be politics. Going over your bosses head is an option IF you have the contacts to back it. Without that its a difficult proposition and not necessarily a wise one. Wait out the year ideally while trying to build contacts (understanding that you said you're not good at that). The people who move up the ladder the quickest are the ones who do the networking while doing a good job. People skills become more and more important the higher up you get, because you can rely on the technical skills of those below you (you still need good technical skills as well of course).

[inexorabletruth]

Dang... that sucks.

Thanks for all the advice though. I'm not thrilled about it, but I'll stay silent and ride out another year.

[dehro]

Before you take my advice to the bank and give up altogether, I should explain that it's based on 1 part ignorance wrapped in 2 parts common-sense, because I am on the other side of the ocean and not really familiar with what the rules are that regulate proper business conduct/office relations in these matters in the US. Back here it mostly comes down to who has the bigger tonker assets and most pull. Other than suing over it and making yourself a persona non grata in the environment despite being in the right, there's not much you can do besides finding a better work environment elsewhere.
maybe things are different in the US though and what your super did was a major no-no against which specific actions can and should be taken.
so before you drop this, I would advise that you try and see if there's an external source of counsel that you can turn to that is better informed on things local to you.. a reliable relative or friend who is in human resources or somesuch. if such a source of second opinion should not be available, then yeah.. not much else you can do in the short term.
in the long term however, you should decide to put aside a moment or two each week, to dedicate to actively figure out how to further your career (could be a work-task you actively set in your agenda).
2 avenues spring to mind
1) you could try to engineer opportunities to make it as clear as possible (in a non obnoxious way) to the higher-ups (that is not your super but people at the very least on his level) that you can do more if you're higher up the foodchain and adequately paid for your troubles. do so by example and by volunteering for inter-office projects that give you visibility with people other than your immediate boss, but also by voicing that you're not a donkey and do this because you believe in the company and in earning better placement inside it.
2) you should also keep something more than an eye open for opportunities of the same kind and in the same direction your employement could take you, with competitors. Gratitude towards your company for putting you back on your feet is a nice thing, but you're earning the trust they've given you back then. It wasn't a handout.

If you play your cards right with these two strategies, over time the right people will notice you're ambitious/worth investing in... that you're making yourself a precious asset and that they need to give you a rise and/or a bigger desk to make sure you stay with them.
mostly, don't say "oh well.. I'll wait another year for the same position to open up again and make sure I get the memo" because the guy who'll be filling it until then might have no intention to relinquish the job... and in the meantime other opportunities could come up..provided you don't stop looking for them.

[Arranis Thelmos]

Okay, so I have a rather... Interesting problem.

So I'm a senior in high school (and 18) and today I was called into the principal's office, where I was met by him and all three vice principals. I use an iPad for Internet browsing at school and home, and they wanted to talk to me about some "unsavory content" that was flagged in their server on my search history. I wouldn't search for this "unsavory content" at school, but I have done it at home. I admitted to searching for it at home and told them honestly that I hadn't done it at school. One of the tech savvy vice principals suggested that some of the cookies that could've embedded themselves in my iPad re-searched for itself or something. He suggested that I ought to clear my browsing history and cookies more often. Now here's the interesting part, the chief vice principal (he took charge of the meeting, I don't know why the principal wasn't in charge) said he isn't going to get me in trouble, punish me, or tell my parents. However, he wants me to tell my parents myself, and that he'd like me to let him know once I do.

So, what do I do? It seems like a test or a scam to me. Would he really let me off leaving it up to me if I tell my parents? Would he really tell my parents? Is this the setup to receive conventional punishment like suspension or expulsion? Would a school official lie to a student?

It looks like my choices are:
1) Come clean and tell my parents, and report back to him. I'll get in trouble with my parents,--which I don't want-- but if he lied to me and told them then this is my best option.

2) Lie to him and tell him I talked with my parents. This gets me in no trouble whatsoever--provided he hasn't/doesn't tell my parents.

3) Never talk to him again...but would he call me back in to talk about it/talk with my parents?

[Thajocoth]

I doubt he's lied to you purely because of his position. It would look really bad for him to be lying to students.

Since you've not actually done anything wrong, I wouldn't bother adding your parents on this. The question becomes whether to lie to him or not. Personally, I'd just try to avoid him. You would be doing exactly as he's asked by letting him know after you've spoken to your parents about it. Since you don't mention it to your parents, you don't go back to him.

I would also add a few browser protections to your tablet, such as "DoNotTrackMe" and "AdBlock Plus". In this way, you ensure that ads are not generated based on your history, so no such random calls that you don't want into their system, and whatever they're using to look into your system is blocked out (as it should be; it's your device, not theirs). As a bonus, you'll browse a bit faster too.

[dehro]

you're 18.. here in Italy that means that what you do outside of school is entirely your business and you're responsible for it, not your parents. since this is something you did outside school, your teachers have no say in it whatsoever. I doubt a teacher could get in touch over something like this with my parents without getting into trouble, if I explicitly told him not to, what with legally being an adult. no idea how that works in your country though...I figure it would also depend on whether it's a private school or not..
the reason he took charge of the situation is probably because the principal wasn't as tech savvy as him and would have sat there without a reply if you had thrown something technical at him.

as a gesture of goodwill you could give your parents an redacted version of what you've been up to..meaning without giving them the full detail, and tell your teacher you have done it out of the goodness of your heart because it really was none of his business once it was cleared up that it happened outside school.

[The Succubus]

Okay, so I have a rather... Interesting problem.

So I'm a senior in high school (and 18) and today I was called into the principal's office, where I was met by him and all three vice principals. I use an iPad for Internet browsing at school and home, and they wanted to talk to me about some "unsavory content" that was flagged in their server on my search history. I wouldn't search for this "unsavory content" at school, but I have done it at home. I admitted to searching for it at home and told them honestly that I hadn't done it at school. One of the tech savvy vice principals suggested that some of the cookies that could've embedded themselves in my iPad re-searched for itself or something. He suggested that I ought to clear my browsing history and cookies more often. Now here's the interesting part, the chief vice principal (he took charge of the meeting, I don't know why the principal wasn't in charge) said he isn't going to get me in trouble, punish me, or tell my parents. However, he wants me to tell my parents myself, and that he'd like me to let him know once I do.

So, what do I do? It seems like a test or a scam to me. Would he really let me off leaving it up to me if I tell my parents? Would he really tell my parents? Is this the setup to receive conventional punishment like suspension or expulsion? Would a school official lie to a student?

It looks like my choices are:
1) Come clean and tell my parents, and report back to him. I'll get in trouble with my parents,--which I don't want-- but if he lied to me and told them then this is my best option.

2) Lie to him and tell him I talked with my parents. This gets me in no trouble whatsoever--provided he hasn't/doesn't tell my parents.

3) Never talk to him again...but would he call me back in to talk about it/talk with my parents?

Ummm, not to put too fine a point on this but what the hell business is it of his what you choose to browse on your iPad in your free time? Sure, if it's flagging up false readings on the school's network, then follow the tech savvy principal's advice but I'm pretty sure that you have some individual rights to privacy. In short, its not his business or your folks. If what your browsing is illegal, then there might be grounds for it but you try waving around a term like "unsavory" in a court of law and see how far it gets you.

My suggestion? Tell your folks that your principal is blackmailing you and invading your personal privacy.

[dehro]

My suggestion? Tell your folks that your principal is blackmailing you and invading your personal privacy.

they'd be asking him "what with" and then he'd still get in trouble with them, which is what he should be trying to avoid, civil rights notwithstanding

[The Succubus]

True but if you're going to 'fess up to something, it should be because you feel bad about it, not because someone is pressuring you. I'm not sure what our friend has been browsing (possibly pictures that involve people not wearing many clothes) but I doubt its anything that they haven't indulged in themselves at some point.

Of course, if these pictures (again, just a guess here - not saying this is what he's been browsing) might reveal something he's not ready to reveal (with regards to orientation) then this vice-principal person can get lost in considerably more emphatic terms.

So I guess its down to how you feel. If you feel guilty about what you did, then 'fess up to your folks. If you don't then let this bullying swine tell your folks and see how the dice rolls.

[Chen]

Ummm, not to put too fine a point on this but what the hell business is it of his what you choose to browse on your iPad in your free time? Sure, if it's flagging up false readings on the school's network, then follow the tech savvy principal's advice but I'm pretty sure that you have some individual rights to privacy. In short, its not his business or your folks. If what your browsing is illegal, then there might be grounds for it but you try waving around a term like "unsavory" in a court of law and see how far it gets you.

My suggestion? Tell your folks that your principal is blackmailing you and invading your personal privacy.

The principal only has his word to go on that its false readings on the school network. He could very well call the parents with the accusation (since its presumably in violation of the school's computer policy) and then have to get the student and parents to explain it. Instead the principal is letting him tell his parents instead and taking his word for the fact he's not in fact browsing that content at school.

I'd ask him WHY he wants you to tell your parents though. I presume its some sort of morality aspect or whatnot, since I can't think of any other reason. I'm also not sure what kind of cookies or the like would actually show up on the school's network if you weren't actually searching for whatever it was it thought you were searching for.

[Arranis Thelmos]

@The Succubus: Pictures are a good guess.

@Chen:

The principal only has his word to go on that its false readings on the school network. He could very well call the parents with the accusation (since its presumably in violation of the school's computer policy) and then have to get the student and parents to explain it. Instead the principal is letting him tell his parents instead and taking his word for the fact he's not in fact browsing that content at school.

Yes, this is precisely what I'm worried about.

I think it's because of a morality aspect he wants me to tell them myself too, I live in a predominantly Mormon community so there's a strong spiritual emphasis on everything. I'm not sure about the cookie thing either, or rather I'm not sure i understand it. Moreover that particular search was made a few months ago, so I don't know why it would show up now. Does the whole cookie thing sound reasonable, or is there another explanation for that?

[Thajocoth]

Does the whole cookie thing sound reasonable, or is there another explanation for that?

I'm thinking either A - the school datamines the history of connected devices or B - An ad used the device's history to choose what to display. My suggestion should block both possibilities from happening again.

[Archpaladin Zousha]

You've just discovered the thing that humans do better than any other creature in the cosmos: making mistakes.

The thing is, although we often bounce around concepts like karma, cosmic justice and the idea of some final post-mortem exam totting up how well we did in life....for myself, I don't believe life works that way. The closest I get to that sort of thing is a belief that life has a rather odd and sadistically vicious sense of humour. The car breaks down in *just* that spot, the post office goes on strike on *just* that day you send off an important letter...it's as though life is a D&D game and the DM has a Fumble table drawn up in [insert negative afterlife of your choice].

There IS a "score" for life. It's called "other peoples' opinion of you." If you make mistakes, you alienate people from you because you prove your lack of attentiveness, competence, or dependability. So they decide not to come to you if they need something, because they can't trust you help. And if you don't help them, they won't help you in return. So you make too many mistakes, and the people in your life will abandon you because you've proven that results from you is a waste of time and money.

It's tempting to try and go back to fix things you've done wrong. If I ever invented a machine that allowed humans to do that, I'd be a trillionaire in a week. Sadly, such a machine will be forever beyond the reach of humans or anyone else - a society that never made mistakes would be a horribly dull place to live. Because every once in a while, a mistake can be a positive thing. Penicillin was discovered by accident, or to put it another way, through a mistake.

But mistakes like going to the wrong college? Taking the wrong degree? Picking the wrong job? Not getting a driver's license at 18? Still living at home buying books for tabletop games you never have time to play because you're working two jobs while your high school classmates are in the military or med school or have kids or are fully certified teachers?

Of course, making a scientific mistake is one thing, making a personal mistake is another. You may have said or done something to someone that you feel bad about, or they feel hurt because of your actions. Although we don't have a machine that can fix the past, we do have the next best thing:

"Sorry."

It won't fix the world but it isn't meant to. It's just a word we have to say "I regret what I did and I will do my best not to do it again". Saying the word sorry is easy - you just send breath past the vocal chords and it comes out of the mouth. Sincerely *meaning* it is a whole other kettle of fish. The thing here is that the mistake you've made is one that you fear you're going to make again, despite this.

Accept it.

I do accept it. The world doesn't seem to be responding in kind, though. They keep forgiving me and stuff. I don't want to be forgiven. I want to be punished. I want the sense of shame and guilt I feel to be validated, because otherwise I'm just whining, and only children whine.

You're trying to come up with a contingency plan to try and repair whatever damage is done by the mistake but you're doing so while frazzled with worry and guilt. If this truly is beyond you to fix, admit it and give yourself a sense of peace. "I am sorry that I did XYZ, I will try my hardest not to make the mistake again but if I do, please forgive me."

Admitting it doesn't make the fact that I could be potentially missing out on $5,500 of college debt relief comforting. If anything it makes me more upset because it's going to break my mother's heart! She's been so happy since I started my tutoring work, because she thinks I'm going to get that education award, but I need to rack up 1720 hours of work before July 13th before I earn that. I've been working since September and I only have 690, give or take. I should be halfway through by now! I shouldn't have gone on that vacation to Branson with them! I should have stayed home and tried to find more volunteer work! I should have quit my other job to devote all my energy to this! I'm going to lose out and be stuck with my college debt, and I'll also be short a job because the thing only lasts a year, and all I'll have is my little job at Panera that I'm freaking out about because I can't seem to finish my closing duties before 10:30, when the managers expect it done by 10:00! I should have a driver's license by now! I'm 24 years old!

[Grinner]

I'm thinking either A - the school datamines the history of connected devices or B - An ad used the device's history to choose what to display. My suggestion should block both possibilities from happening again.

I don't know about A. I realize that iPads aren't exactly known for being closed books, but the school would need to be targeting it specifically or perhaps inserting scripts into all of the students' requested webpages. Either one seems like a long shot though, unless the principal is some kind of info-voyeurist.

It seems more likely that an ad's script scanned his history and tried displaying a suitable ad, only to trip a filtering mechanism.

@Arranis Thelmos: Does your school's server have a filter installed on it?

[The Succubus]

<snip>

"Should"? I despise that word.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret, Mr Paladin. Between the ages if 7 and 18 my weekly routine would be exactly the same. 5 days of school where I would be mocked as an outsider, not having any friends that I socialised with on the weekend. The reason for this is because I went sailing every Saturday and Sunday with my dad.

I hated it.

But I never told him this because he had spent a lot of money on boats and equipment. "I should go because otherwise I'll make him unhappy", I told myself every weekend for 10 years. While my sister and brother were visiting friends and doing all kinds of stuff like that, I would be stuck in the middle of a small lake either soaked to the skin, baked alive or bored rigid. All because of "should".

It doesn't stop there either. My mother decided I "should" learn to drive. I didn't particularly want to, given that most of the area around me was accessible by public transport. My driving instructor was a fiend from hell. Being the slightly nervous and extremely shy sort, I didn't have any self-confidence and you need a certain amount of that when learning to drive. My instructor didn't give me much encouragement, or not in the usual sense. He'd sit there and bellow at the top of his lungs and generally scare the crap out of me. I loathed driving and him. I lived in fear of my hour long lessons on Sunday. All because my mother decided I "should" learn to drive.

"Should" is a horribly toxic word. Read through that last paragraph you typed to me. Count the number of times you say "should" or express a similar statement. All "should" does is give you a sense of inferiority and unhappiness. "Should" is a greedy bastard as well. You've got a car? You should get a greener one. Got a job? You should get a better paying one. Got a girlfriend? You should marry her. Got a wife? You should have kids. You've got a school education? You should get a college education? Got a college education? You should go to university. On and on it goes. "Should" is a word that drives people mad, almost as much as "if".

Instead of dealing with "should"s, work with "am"s instead.

* I am doing volunteer work
* I am doing college studies
* I am running two jobs
* I am trying to get a driving licence

That's an awful lot of stuff going on there however you slice it. You're driving yourself mad trying to do all these different things because, what, you're worried about other people's opinions of you? That's a crap reason to do something.

But let's give you some practical advice.

* Ditch the driver's licence plan for now. It'll only cost you money you don't have to take the lessons and the exam and once you've passed them, you'll have the added costs of buying a car, buying petrol, buying insurance, buying road tax and paying when the thing inevitably goes wrong. You also need to ask yourself "Will I be cool, calm and collected enough to pass the exam on my first try?" The answer is probably no. Most folks I know didn't pass the first time. Driving can keep a little while longer, or at least until after the other stuff.

* Make a decision. You are trying to divide your time up between too many different things right now. You said that you're struggling to meet the hours you need for this education award thing. If you axed one of these jobs, would you have enough time to fulfill your 1720 hours thing? Yes or No. If Yes, then ditch the job, because the longer you spend divided between the two things, the less benefit you will get from taking this course of action.

* Make a plan. Sit down this evening and draw up a routine and a timetable that you know you can stick to. Work with your mom on it as well - she might have some suggestions that can help you out. Ensure that you have set time for R&R or if you know there's a time when you won't be able to concentrate on something, make sure that time is set aside, rather than you trying to fight through it.

[Arranis Thelmos]

I don't know about A. I realize that iPads aren't exactly known for being closed books, but the school would need to be targeting it specifically or perhaps inserting scripts into all of the students' requested webpages. Either one seems like a long shot though, unless the principal is some kind of info-voyeurist.

It seems more likely that an ad's script scanned his history and tried displaying a suitable ad, only to trip a filtering mechanism.

@Arranis Thelmos: Does your school's server have a filter installed on it?

Yes, it does. For a long time they used Lightspeed systems, switched to My Big Campus last year, and I think they're using some custom system this year (unless My Big Campus allows them to customize).

[Archpaladin Zousha]

"Should"? I despise that word.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret, Mr Paladin. Between the ages if 7 and 18 my weekly routine would be exactly the same. 5 days of school where I would be mocked as an outsider, not having any friends that I socialised with on the weekend. The reason for this is because I went sailing every Saturday and Sunday with my dad.

I hated it.

But I never told him this because he had spent a lot of money on boats and equipment. "I should go because otherwise I'll make him unhappy", I told myself every weekend for 10 years. While my sister and brother were visiting friends and doing all kinds of stuff like that, I would be stuck in the middle of a small lake either soaked to the skin, baked alive or bored rigid. All because of "should".

It doesn't stop there either. My mother decided I "should" learn to drive. I didn't particularly want to, given that most of the area around me was accessible by public transport. My driving instructor was a fiend from hell. Being the slightly nervous and extremely shy sort, I didn't have any self-confidence and you need a certain amount of that when learning to drive. My instructor didn't give me much encouragement, or not in the usual sense. He'd sit there and bellow at the top of his lungs and generally scare the crap out of me. I loathed driving and him. I lived in fear of my hour long lessons on Sunday. All because my mother decided I "should" learn to drive.

"Should" is a horribly toxic word. Read through that last paragraph you typed to me. Count the number of times you say "should" or express a similar statement. All "should" does is give you a sense of inferiority and unhappiness. "Should" is a greedy bastard as well. You've got a car? You should get a greener one. Got a job? You should get a better paying one. Got a girlfriend? You should marry her. Got a wife? You should have kids. You've got a school education? You should get a college education? Got a college education? You should go to university. On and on it goes. "Should" is a word that drives people mad, almost as much as "if".

Instead of dealing with "should"s, work with "am"s instead.

* I am doing volunteer work
* I am doing college studies
* I am running two jobs
* I am trying to get a driving licence

That's an awful lot of stuff going on there however you slice it. You're driving yourself mad trying to do all these different things because, what, you're worried about other people's opinions of you? That's a crap reason to do something.

But let's give you some practical advice.

* Ditch the driver's licence plan for now. It'll only cost you money you don't have to take the lessons and the exam and once you've passed them, you'll have the added costs of buying a car, buying petrol, buying insurance, buying road tax and paying when the thing inevitably goes wrong. You also need to ask yourself "Will I be cool, calm and collected enough to pass the exam on my first try?" The answer is probably no. Most folks I know didn't pass the first time. Driving can keep a little while longer, or at least until after the other stuff.

* Make a decision. You are trying to divide your time up between too many different things right now. You said that you're struggling to meet the hours you need for this education award thing. If you axed one of these jobs, would you have enough time to fulfill your 1720 hours thing? Yes or No. If Yes, then ditch the job, because the longer you spend divided between the two things, the less benefit you will get from taking this course of action.

* Make a plan. Sit down this evening and draw up a routine and a timetable that you know you can stick to. Work with your mom on it as well - she might have some suggestions that can help you out. Ensure that you have set time for R&R or if you know there's a time when you won't be able to concentrate on something, make sure that time is set aside, rather than you trying to fight through it.

I'm NOT doing college studies. I graduated with honors three years ago. But I have a degree I can't use. To quote Avenue Q, "What do you do with a BA in English?"

I need that driver's license because the public transportation in my town is crap, and my second job is 30 minutes away by car. I can't have my parents ferrying me back and forth all the time, taking time out of their already ungodly busy schedules. I've already failed the test two times. I have to start paying a fee for subsequent tries, and if I fail five times, I have to take remedial driver's ed. My brother and sister already have their driver's licenses, and they're younger than me! What does that say about me?

The volunteer work IS one of the two jobs. I'm getting a stipend every two weeks for it. It's technically "national service" where I act as a Reading Tutor for struggling elementary school students. Today I was put on probation because I wasn't meeting their professional standards by not using my "downtime," meaning time where I wasn't seeing students, productively. I'll be observed throughout the remainder of the school year, and if I violate any policy or procedure, I'll be exited for cause and lose my education award, which will take a big chunk out of my college debt. That's the whole reason I took the work in the first place. They put my loans in forbearance so they don't accumulate interest and help pay them a bit at the end. But that's meaningless if I get punted in the middle of the year, or if I can't get 1720 hours in before July 13th.

The only job I can "axe" is my Panera job, which is contributing my spending cash, as any money I get from my other job I'm putting , and I've already cut my hours there significantly to the point where I'm only working from 4 or 5 PM to 10 at night and not working Monday nights at all. I feel like if I cut anymore, I'd be more trouble than I'm worth, even if they say I'm one of the best cashiers they have.

Everyone's telling me I'm doing fine, but I don't believe them. There are hundreds of people out there doing better than me. I see them every day, at work, at home, on Facebook. I have classmates I knew in high school who are now certified teachers, or they're serving in the military, or they have kids or are going to med school or grad school, or have a career in theater or accounting or something. How can I be doing fine when dozens of others are clearly superior to me?

[HalfTangible]

Everyone's telling me I'm doing fine, but I don't believe them. There are hundreds of people out there doing better than me. I see them every day, at work, at home, on Facebook. I have classmates I knew in high school who are now certified teachers, or they're serving in the military, or they have kids or are going to med school or grad school, or have a career in theater or accounting or something. How can I be doing fine when dozens of others are clearly superior to me?

Emphasis mine.

Dude, if 'doing fine' means being in the top 1000 of 7 billion people (let alone hundreds or a few dozen) you have a very skewed view of 'doing fine'. If everyone - including the people you think are doing so much better - think you're doing fine, you're probably doing much better than you think you are.

And someone doing better than you doesn't mean you're not doing fine.

Reading through your stuff though... yeah, you're right, you're not doing fine.

[rogueboy]

How can I be doing fine when dozens of others are clearly superior to me?

Because every one of those people has their own stuff they're dealing with, that's making them feel inadequate. Those in grad school? Stressed out of their minds, I guarantee it (personal, current experience). Med school? Worse, from what I've heard. Kids? Nothing but stress there. Teaching? Military? Same. Regardless of how they appear to be doing on the outside, they're dealing with crap that makes them feel useless, at least some of the time.

The difference between them and how you've come across in the last couple posts is that they're taking a deep breath, thinking about how much reward they're getting out of what they're doing,* and then figuring out what they can do to relieve that stress so they can get back to doing the very thing that causes them that stress in the first place.

tl;dr: Prioritize what you "need" to do (Panera job, volunteering job, driver's license,** etc), and figure out what you actually need to add to that (things to relieve stress) in order to retain your sanity.

* It's possible they aren't getting the enjoyment/reward they once did or that they expected to get. At that point, they can either suffer through (causing more stress and anxiety and causing problems), walk away (I have a few friends who walked out of the graduate program we're in because they decided it wasn't worth it), or look for an out (that's what I'm doing - graduating with a masters since I've already been here 2.5 years and the MS just means 1 more semester).

** Driver's license isn't entirely a necessity. I know people who are 30 who have made a conscious decision to not get their license. Not because they're in an area with good public transit, but because they decided it wasn't worth the cost/effort/etc. And as Succubus said: cars are ridiculously expensive. Even if you've planned for things like insurance, random repairs suck (I had a $1200 repair 6 months ago, triggered by a sticky brake pad on an inspection).

[Archpaladin Zousha]

And here's an update. I had a nice little chat with my supervisor for the volunteer job today. I'm officially on probation for the rest of the school year. If I violate any of the organization's policies for any reason, I'll get the boot.

He also told me not to be so hard on myself and that he wants to see me succeed, plus that according to the information he's getting I am making a positive difference with the students I work with. It's more to ensure that I use my downtime productively.

I feel like I'm getting mixed messages here. Am I good at this or bad at this?

I do get some R&R time on the weekends and on Monday nights. But even the stuff I enjoyed doesn't feel fun anymore. PbP games and video games feel like a chore. My friends are always at work, so I can't hang out with them. And I can't go anyplace by myself because I don't drive and there's never a vehicle at home I can use anyway, and we have three cars! My dad and mom are constantly driving around transporting me or one of my siblings to an appointment, job, internship or class, and the other car's always being used by my brother, who tries to stay away from home as often as possible, hanging out at his girlfriend's place in the cities to cook vegetarian meals and play bagpipes and stuff.

My mom's encouraging me to take a second year of the volunteer job. After that I can't do the job again, as the education award can only be given twice. She sincerely believes I can do it. She even gave me a pep-talk today about how proud she was of me for all the hard work I've been doing, the skills I've learned doing them and the friends I've made and stuff, and that no matter what happens she'll still love and support me. And drive me to my other job until I get my license.

All I see are the mistakes I've made. They can't be undone. They're stains on my record and name. Why does everyone seem to ignore them?! Why can't people see me for the scumbag I am?

[Galileo]

<snip>

Mistakes are not stains on your name. Think of them as scars. They may have hurt when they happened, they may still hurt a little when you think about them. But the cause is in the past, and the result fades with time. If you have made so many mistakes, and it is true that mistakes drive people away, why are there still people encouraging you and helping you? Maybe the mistakes you made aren't what people see when they look at you. Maybe they just see you, struggling with a huge burden, made worse by your own ideals. That's the problem with being a paladin. We hold ourselves to impossible standards and then hate ourselves for falling short. I do the same thing, and have done all my life. When I was a kid, I didn't believe I could read, because I could see my mum didn't have to read out loud. I only realised when I started school and I was the only one in the class who could read fluently.

With your volunteer job, I'd say the problem is that you're great at it, but your supervisor has to follow the rules. Now take another look at what you've told us he said. He's right. You've got to stop beating yourself up over every perceived failure. I know it's impossible to do so just like that, but at least take a shot at focussing on the good you've done. The students you're working with are clearly benefitting, so I'd say it's worth it no matter the outcome on your end.

[The Succubus]

All I see are the mistakes I've made. They can't be undone. They're stains on my record and name. Why does everyone seem to ignore them?! Why can't people see me for the scumbag I am?

Let me ask you a question: Why are *YOU* ignoring other people's failings?

You're painting everyone else around you as being the pinnacle of achievement compared to yourself. Take off those rose tinted goggles for a second. Your siblings need lifts from your parents, exactly the same as you. You think you have debt problems? That guy that's currently working through his doctorate is going to come out of university with an ungodly mountain of debt with no guarantee of a job afterwards.

* Your supervisor is telling you your doing a good job.
* Your mom is giving you encouragement because she believes in you
* Your workplace says you're the best cashier they have.

If you really want to hurt those people, ignore the encouragement they're giving you.

Or instead you could actually listening to them. They're not just telling you all these things out of politeness. I find praise in the workplace to be an extremely rare thing and if your managers and supervisors are taking time out of their busy schedules to tell you stuff like that, it's not something they're doing lightly. Take your volunteer work supervisor. If he truly thought you were a "scumbag", why the hell is he taking you to one side, telling you that you're doing some good work with the kids that needs some refinement, instead of forgetting about you completely and letting you crap out?

He wants you to succeed and he knows you can do it. You mom wants you to succeed and she knows you can do it. So why don't you know it as well?

If a mistake can't be undone, then why are you sitting there wasting time and energy lamenting it? Move on. You'll make some of them again, you'll do some things really well but all you can do is keep moving on.

I've made mistakes in my past. With some of them I've been a real jerk - highlights include making someone that loved me cry for an entire day, threatening to set fire to a former friend's tent at a music festival, making a public ass of my myself on multiple occasions, the list goes on. I can conjure up these memories at any moment and re-live them in all their horrible detail and most of them are never far from my thoughts. The only thing I've learned from them is that shaping my life around those mistakes, trying to avoid them has made me a pretty f***ed up individual. Forgetting them and moving on from them as been far more productive and fun.

One final bit. You may think that everyone takes time out to analyse someone else's faults in great detail. The truth is that most folks don't, lest their own faults and failings come under scrutiny and the bad memories they carry are just as heavy as your own.

[Castaras]

A story from me, might help others.

Monday, I came out of one of my physics tutorials in tears. That day, I went to the counselling people on campus and said "halp". Had my assessment meeting today.

At the beginning, when I went in, I felt like I was going to explode at the slightest bad thing. I was tense, terrified, and panicking.

I talked about all my worries, the stress, things that had happened to me over the past years. And then he asked me "Tell me about your family". Yep, that cliched line.

And talking about my family, I felt a weight sort of lift as I talked about how my mum and dad are always there for me, me worrying a little about my little brother, hoping he's doing well in GCSEs, recounting times where I've needed help and my dad and mum have been there to keep me up. I ended up crying. But at that moment, I ended up relaxing completely for the first time in what feels like months. I had very shakey legs for a while after that.

From there, it was talking about my local friends, my boyfriend, my online friends, how wonderful people have been for keeping me sane...

I love you guys. You playgrounders have kept me sane for many many years, and I've got you all to thank for my last few years. That day I ended up starting to post on the playground back in Jan '07 when I got enough courage to start in Town was the start of something beautiful.

Keep sight of those out there in your lives, whether they're names and avatars on a forum or people sat next to you in real life laughing and smiling next to you.

(and talking to people helps).

[rogueboy]

And here's an update. I had a nice little chat with my supervisor for the volunteer job today. I'm officially on probation for the rest of the school year. If I violate any of the organization's policies for any reason, I'll get the boot.

He also told me not to be so hard on myself and that he wants to see me succeed, plus that according to the information he's getting I am making a positive difference with the students I work with. It's more to ensure that I use my downtime productively.

I feel like I'm getting mixed messages here. Am I good at this or bad at this?

My understanding, from what you've told us: you're doing outstanding. I'd be curious what exactly you're on probation for (lots of options, not all of them are related to massive screw-ups, and none are unfixable - if they were unfixable, they would be cause for termination, not probation).

I do get some R&R time on the weekends and on Monday nights. But even the stuff I enjoyed doesn't feel fun anymore. PbP games and video games feel like a chore.

If it feels like a chore, it isn't something you should be doing to relax or feel better about yourself/things. Find/try something new, and see what happens. Eventually, you'll find something new to keep you interested, at least for a little bit.

Other than that, I'll simply say that Succubus and IA have some really good points that I will wholeheartedly second and encourage you to take seriously.

A story from me, might help others.

Monday, I came out of one of my physics tutorials in tears. That day, I went to the counselling people on campus and said "halp". Had my assessment meeting today.

At the beginning, when I went in, I felt like I was going to explode at the slightest bad thing. I was tense, terrified, and panicking.

I talked about all my worries, the stress, things that had happened to me over the past years. And then he asked me "Tell me about your family". Yep, that cliched line.

And talking about my family, I felt a weight sort of lift as I talked about how my mum and dad are always there for me, me worrying a little about my little brother, hoping he's doing well in GCSEs, recounting times where I've needed help and my dad and mum have been there to keep me up. I ended up crying. But at that moment, I ended up relaxing completely for the first time in what feels like months. I had very shakey legs for a while after that.

From there, it was talking about my local friends, my boyfriend, my online friends, how wonderful people have been for keeping me sane...

I love you guys. You playgrounders have kept me sane for many many years, and I've got you all to thank for my last few years. That day I ended up starting to post on the playground back in Jan '07 when I got enough courage to start in Town was the start of something beautiful.

Keep sight of those out there in your lives, whether they're names and avatars on a forum or people sat next to you in real life laughing and smiling next to you.

(and talking to people helps).

Yay! Glad to hear it went well. Hopefully you'll continue to get help and support from the counselling people, but it sounds like that's a pretty safe bet.

And I'll definitely agree that the playground is an amazing community that we're lucky to have, and it's everyone who joins that makes it as awesome as it is.