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  1. - Top - End - #961
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    So, I have a first appointment with a psychotherapist on Monday, because of depression and anxiety. I know that it is very important that I get along very well with her and trust her and that I should search another therapist if I don't like her. But how do I know if I get along with her, besides what my first impression is? What questions can I ask that will help me to know if l like her? (One I know already – I must ask her what she thinks of LGBT people, because while I'm not struggling with my sexuality and gender (anymore), it surly will come up sometimes.) Are there any 'signs' that I should look out for?
    My mother will be there with me – I asked her to, because I am extremely shy and have big problems talking anyone beside really close family/friends, so I fear I wouldn't even go inside alone. But I know that while she can help me with the formal talk, I am the one who must decide if I want to go there again.
    So, any tips you can give me? I'm scared.
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  2. - Top - End - #962
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Trust your instincts, hun. You won't be aware you're doing it, but your eyes and brain will be picking up on all the subtle details; body posture, eye movements and so on. Folks tend to be better at reading people's faces than they realise. If something seems off, then there probably is.

    Things that you can do that might help - remember the therapist is also going to be slightly nervous of you, too. So although its slightly easier said than done, try to relax a little just before you go on. Focus on the sorts of things you'd like to ask her, as though you were talking with a friend.

  3. - Top - End - #963
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    Quote Originally Posted by Trekkin View Post
    Honestly, everything I've ever considered doing has needed a PhD. I just don't have the skillset for anything else.

    Which is a sad argument, given i don't have the skillset for this either...
    then get off your butt and get yourself an alternate skillset.

    or... you know, start considering stuff that doesn't require a PhD.
    if you're capable, albeit not top of your class in doing research in the field of biology you can probably give private lessons to high school students in need of a tutor.. you probably know your way around computers and labs enough to get any kind of clerk job in any company that works in that field, social skills be damned.
    you probably would be able to get a job however temporary in a position obliquely related to your field of studies...through that small time job you can acquire new skillsets just by doing it.. and getting paid for it.
    a stupid example? when I was still a student I took a temp job answering phonecalls in an insurance company's emergency helpline. on the job I learned to use a couple of new softwares that I didn't even know existed.. now those softwares are listed in my CV. they are unlikely to be sufficient to net me another job should I need it, but every little thing helps... and what I learned there did teach me how to talk about people in a professional manner, take on repetitive tasks and listening to people. stuff that I later used in other contexts.
    if that doesn't work you can always take a class in something new and unrelated.. be it welding, carpentry, music, physics or..well. anything really. your main focus may stay on Biology, but at least you'll find an other outlet that might just help you get a job if the primary target doesn't work.. and who knows.. you might find that you're better at that than at biology.
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  4. - Top - End - #964
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    Quote Originally Posted by Trekkin View Post
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    I feel bad for even having this problem; it's not a problem enough people are able to have, I think. I just got done with interviews for the only graduate school that gave me an interview. None of the others even formally rejected me.

    I'm reasonably certain I blew them all beyond recoverability. Forget not accepted; I figure I'm being laughed about.

    Almost certainly, this ran in tandem with a little blurb I saw of my letter of recommendation (it was on a screen) that highlighted something or other about my social skills.

    As I do not have social skills, I am reasonably certain it was not positive.

    So just...yeah. It feels like I wasted my time, and worse the university's, by going through with something I'm incapable of doing and probably massively unqualified even to try. Everyone else interviewing is amazingly pretty, fascinating, erudite, and accomplished beyond belief, and here I am still in undergraduate and the best I can lay claim to is a publication in progress. I don't run marathons and I was never a Marine and I can't speak French and I don't play alt rock and...I'm not pretty enough. Forget smart enough, everyone here is smart enough. I'm just smart enough; I'm nothing else enough.

    Now I'm just sitting here, feeling sorry for myself, wondering what to do with my life when (in my mind, it is always "when") I get rejected, because clearly I don't have the people skills for industry and I'm nowhere near competitive in academia. I just feel like everyone else in the world, or at least the majority of the ones who ended up here, somehow understands how people work, how to talk to them, how to end up with an unwrinkled suit and perfect skin and friends and self-esteem...and somehow I'm left out of the loop, way out in left field being nothing anyone expects or needs or wants, and I have no idea what I'm even doing wrong, just watching everyone else be perfect.

    And here I am, whinging on about squandering an opportunity a lot of people never get.

    So...:(
    Interviews: You may not have been perfect, but as has been suggested, that's pretty much par for the course on those. I'm curious what the school's acceptance rate is for in-person interviews. I know that in chemistry, the on-site interview stage (phone interviews pretty much don't exist, by the way) is pretty much a guarantee of being accepted, and the interview is more a formality. Side note: If they're laughing because of what you did, it's a good thing. Because if they don't like you, they'll pretty much just say "eh, not so good" and move on to the next person. Also, if a school hasn't formally rejected you, they may well not have finished going through their applications. I had a few not respond to me until March, and 1-2 weren't until April, as I recall (I had already made my decision before hearing back from at least 1 school, as the deadline to accept was before they got back to me).

    Letters: If the person who you had write a letter for you knows you well and believes in you (which they do if they're writing you a letter), they won't say negative things about you. They may highlight some weaknesses, but they will be buried amongst the positive things and caveated with mediating factors (source: I've written letters for former students).

    On needing a PhD: To be honest with you, I had always assumed the same. "I want to do research for a pharmaceutical company, therefore I need a PhD." Then I actually talked to people about what I want to do and what degree would be required to do it. Turns out, a MS is a far better choice for me than a PhD would be (better job security, better choice of where to work, better ability to remain in the lab [vs at a desk], all for [potentially] less pay... but not by a lot). I've switched to a master's-track and will be graduating in May. The point being, think about what you want to do (responsibilities, not job titles), and then talk to someone who will be able to help you figure out what you need to do to get the position that will give you those responsibilities. I also know plenty of people who started doing work in industry with only a BS, so that's also a possibility (and a lot of jobs are 'BS+2-3 yrs or MS', or 'BS+10, MS+5, or PhD' in terms of requirements).

    Quote Originally Posted by Lycunadari View Post
    So, I have a first appointment with a psychotherapist on Monday, because of depression and anxiety. I know that it is very important that I get along very well with her and trust her and that I should search another therapist if I don't like her. But how do I know if I get along with her, besides what my first impression is? What questions can I ask that will help me to know if l like her? (One I know already – I must ask her what she thinks of LGBT people, because while I'm not struggling with my sexuality and gender (anymore), it surly will come up sometimes.) Are there any 'signs' that I should look out for?
    My mother will be there with me – I asked her to, because I am extremely shy and have big problems talking anyone beside really close family/friends, so I fear I wouldn't even go inside alone. But I know that while she can help me with the formal talk, I am the one who must decide if I want to go there again.
    So, any tips you can give me? I'm scared.
    As Succubus said, trust yourself. Having gone through the same process a few months ago, I would expect them to ask, quite early, about yourself. I would give them as much information as possible (including the LGBT piece), as that will help them (if they're a good fit) figure out how to focus things to help you best, or help you (if they're a bad fit) figure out that they won't work out well. Since you asked your mom to come with you, I would also ask her to keep an eye out for hesitations on your part. DO NOT use that as an alternative to your own opinions, but if you have trouble noticing yourself hesitating to share something, having someone who knows you very well (like your mom), could help.

    With depression and anxiety, medication is certainly a possible part of what she'll recommend, but there may be an attempt to manage without medications first. Think about where you stand on the issue ("start with meds!", "if they're necessary, then so be it", and "absolutely no meds, ever!" are the 3 basic categories I see off the top of my head; the second is where I'd be, but you should make your own decision), and then be sure to ask them how they see medication fitting into the process. Make sure that her response to that fits at least reasonably well with your own, or you'll probably end up with some resentment if/when the question of meds comes up.

    Also, be willing to take 2-3 sessions to make a decision. For the first therapist I saw, it took me 2 sessions to realize that I wasn't able to talk to her openly. I couldn't tell you what it was that stopped me, but I noticed myself hesitating or refusing to share certain things (can't even remember what they were anymore). That alone would have been enough to get me to find someone else (it didn't help her that in those 2 sessions, she was a total of 45 minutes late). Fortunately, I haven't had any issues like that with the next therapist I saw (and I probably got lucky that I found someone with my second try - getting a list from someone I already trusted in the field helped a lot with that).
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  5. - Top - End - #965
    Firbolg in the Playground
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    Oh. Hi PWA. Long time no see. In fact, you were still called the Depression Thread last time I posted here.

    So, basically, I had a really bad flashback in the middle of the night. Back to the FDS crap. Yes, despite it being over two years ago (anniversary for my official leaving was January the 6th, I believe), and my being certain that now my only problems relating to that time in my life was the extensive emotional scarring, it turns out that no, I'm still in danger of triggers sending me right back to where I was two years ago.

    I started relieving the incidents in the final month at the school, and after about an hour and a half, I just started crying. I ended up staggering into my parents room and sobbing for an hour, whereupon my parents put two and two together and figured out something I'd assumed they'd known for as long as I had, that I'm exhibiting traits of PTSD.

    We'll be looking into that, I guess.

    As it is, they gave me three things of Valerian and said it'd help. 41 minutes later, I'm still awake, not crying, but I could use some help.

    I thought the pain, the really hurty, crying pain was supposed to be over. I thought I was allowed to relieve memories from that time without bursting into tears. Am I just constantly in danger of having flashbacks, foreveR? Everything was relatively fine until now, but suddenly...
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  6. - Top - End - #966
    Ettin in the Playground
     
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    *hugs MoonCat*

    It's one of those annoying quirks of human behaviour that we recall bad memories far more easily than we recall the good things. It's probably a survival mechanism of some sort - we recall painful experiences so that we can avoid repeating the same mistake again.

    I'm guessing what's happening here is that your trigger for recollection is a little too sensitive and that's causing you to revisit that particular group of memories more often than you need to. It's something I can relate to in a way. This weekend I was having a really bad episode of depression, something which hasn't hit me for years and I found it wasn't so much a particular trigger as such but more a mode of thought. It usually follows something like this:

    Someone does something to annoy me -> Angry thoughts -> Seeing the world with angry eyes -> thinking how much I dislike the people around me -> disliking myself <-> Self pity <-> Feeling bad about self pity

    ...and bouncing around between the last three until my mood either settles down or I get sufficiently distracted by someone or something. The thing is, if I can stop this particular train of thought:

    Someone does something to annoy me -> Angry thoughts -> (buy shiny) Oooh, shiny! -> Thoughts about shiny

    ...then my thought train continues down a whole other line and I can avoid the bad stuff. The reason I mention shinies is because the last time it happened, it was while I was out and about in town. It can also be something tasty (which is not quite as effective) or conversation with someone or even something like a hug (which does wonders for my thought processes). The thing is, it only works if you catch it early enough. If your thoughts have reached this stage:

    thinking how much I dislike the people around me -> disliking myself <-> Self pity <-> Feeling bad about self pity

    ...then swapping one of those thoughts out with a shiny or other distraction won't be as effective. That's why you have to keep an eye on your train of thought in case it's about to take a trip through Trigger Country. It's easier said than done though, especially if the trigger was a dream or something like that.

  7. - Top - End - #967
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    I don't even know what was the trigger, because for over a year I've been fine with revisiting those memories, those times, without incident. Like, I was doing a regular train of thought last night, thinking about FDS, when suddenly I realize I'm crying uncontrollably and it all hurts like a fresh wound.

    I guess I'm mainly frustrated because I am grieving even though I have no reason to, nothing change,d and now I feel really unsafe with my own memories, because if just thinking can send me right back there, even years later, then I don't know how I can ever count as healed.
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  8. - Top - End - #968
    Ettin in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    The thing is, memories are more like scars than anything else. Even after the blood has stopped flowing and the flesh has knitted together, there's still going to be a telltale reminder there. Occasionally, if it's a particularly deep wound, it might ache a bit on cold days when the wind blows a certain way. Mental wounds are much the same.

    From what I recall from your posts back then, Moonie, you did have a pretty s*** time of things and I wouldn't be surprised if you still needed a little more time. But what you'll find is that these unexpected recollections will occur less and less though. It's one of the few perks about being old like me - memories get harder to recall. You won't ever forget them and memories like that shape who you are to quite a surprising extent. It's when you start to do things and behave in certain ways that are contrary to those memories that the fightback begins.

    An example for me - in high school I was unbelievably shy around girls, positively terrified of them. I was constantly afraid that I'd say something stupid and they'd laugh at me, leaving me humiliated. And on more than one occasion, that's exactly what happened and 15 years later, I can still recall those memories. Things began to change when I started hanging out on here, oddly enough. I discovered a flirty side to myself that could use my skill with wordplay to flattering or charming effect and I began to enjoy it. From time to time, it even carries over into real life, especially if I've had a little to drink and my mental barriers are more open to interaction.

    So here's a question for you, m'dear - how do you think those crap days at your previous school have shaped you and what could you do to counter that shaping effect?

  9. - Top - End - #969
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    Thanks Succubus and rogueboy for the advise.

    I was there today, and wont go again.
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    I didn't particularly like her, and disliked the atmosphere there (too many ticking clocks. They made me nervous.) and during the session itself I felt uncomfortable, not just because I was nervous. I noticed the "not willing to tell certain things" thing – I told her that I was writing stories about elves, but didn't say that these elves are hermaphroditic, genderless and polyamourous. She asked if she could read the stories and while I'm usually happy about everyone who shows interest in them, I don't want her to read them. Needless to say, I didn't say anything about LGBT.
    I also felt as if she couldn't really help me. Of course she did say some useful things, but while talking to her I even felt like it was absolutely useless to go even to any therapist because I could as well talk to my mum and my issues seemed unimportant, small and not "bad" enough to need the help of a therapist ...
    Even before the middle of the session I had already decided that I didn't want to go to her again. Deciding that was way easier than I had thought...

    So now I have to find another therapist. *sigh*
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  10. - Top - End - #970
    Firbolg in the Playground
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    Well, just came back from school early, because I was sobbing in the middle of history class because of the continued issues from before. And now I can't decide whether to kip on literally the first rehearsal of that play I was so eager to join, or return to school. I can't tell which is worse.

    The way those crap days have shaped me is my constant certainty that everyone will abandon me and that I will be friendless if I'm not already and they're not all pretending.
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  11. - Top - End - #971
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    Quote Originally Posted by MoonCat View Post
    The way those crap days have shaped me is my constant certainty that everyone will abandon me and that I will be friendless if I'm not already and they're not all pretending.

    Are your friends really that unaccepting?

  12. - Top - End - #972
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    MoonCat: Sorry to hear you had to deal with that, it sucks. The few 'flashbacks' I have are not nearly as bad as what you're flashing back to, but it still hurts. If I recall your posts from last time you were around correctly, you have a right to have that initial reaction (that friends will abandon you, etc). Try to remember, however, that you got worse than the short of the stick with the FDS days, and most people aren't as willing to abandon anyone as those people are. Easier said than done, I know, but try.

    I'm forgetting whether you're in HS or college (guessing college by your comment about going home early, but I could be mistaken) - either way, dealing with something like PTSD is serious, and I'd encourage seeing a professional (annoying, cliche'd advice, I know). As you said, as long as anything can trigger your thoughts to go back there, it's going to be tough to function normally. If you can gain some control over those triggers (even as little as knowing what they are), you'll be in much better shape, and that's what a professional can help you figure out.

    As to why this time it was so different than previous times? Well, could be any number of things. As Succubus said, mental scars can have some odd reactions to certain conditions, much as physical scars can. If you're tired, it's much easier to go downhill fast (I've fallen prey to that too many times to count), similar for hunger (again, that's hit me *really* hard a few times), and a variety of other, less physically-derived things (though those vary more from person to person). Not a whole lot to do about exactly what triggered it until you're able to pull yourself back towards normal, at least a little bit. Anything that can distract you from the pain is a good way to start, and the play could well be a good option for that. Obviously, convincing yourself to go is the challenge here, but I'd encourage you to go.


    Lycunadari: Glad you were able to notice yourself hesitating, and I sympathize with the annoyance of having to go back to the searching stage. Things may well stay on somewhat minor topics for the first session or 2 in particular (you're just getting to know each other after all, anything more requires trust to be developed first). Just don't think that there isn't anything they can help you with; and if you are thinking that after a few sessions, bring it up. The more they know what's going on in your head, the better they'll be able to help. I can't speak to exactly what telling them that would trigger, but pretty much any thoughts you have about the process are relevant to that process, since ultimately it's about you convincing yourself of [X]. The therapist is mostly there to help you figure out what [X] is, and how to convince yourself of it. At least that's how I see the whole process.
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  13. - Top - End - #973
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    I think, to follow that scars metaphor, I have multiple levels of problems. Something that I have regularly been dealing with is the ugly scar, which regularly can make me saddened, but I find ways to distract myself from it. What my current issue is, the one that has me in a total tizzy, is that the old cut suddenly felt exactly like a fresh wound, just as bad as the day I was first injured. so I have two levels of issues aside from my regular self-loathing caused by the scarred tissue. The two layers are the part of me being upset because I have a giant fracking wound, and the part of me that is upset because I just suddenly reverted back after two whole years of healing, meaning that I feel really unsafe because I cannot understand the purpose of healing if it is literally undone for no apparent reason all of a sudden.

    Quote Originally Posted by TaiLiu View Post
    Are your friends really that unaccepting?
    I have serious abandonment issues, and also, I'm really weird. I'm quite used to people growing tired of my weirdness and deciding I'm not worth it. Especially in this case, where I can't help but feel two of the people I call my close friends never accepted me as a friend, but I just kept hanging out with them and they gave up on hinting I was unwelcome.

    Quote Originally Posted by rogueboy View Post
    MoonCat: Sorry to hear you had to deal with that, it sucks. The few 'flashbacks' I have are not nearly as bad as what you're flashing back to, but it still hurts. If I recall your posts from last time you were around correctly, you have a right to have that initial reaction (that friends will abandon you, etc). Try to remember, however, that you got worse than the short of the stick with the FDS days, and most people aren't as willing to abandon anyone as those people are. Easier said than done, I know, but try.

    I'm forgetting whether you're in HS or college (guessing college by your comment about going home early, but I could be mistaken) - either way, dealing with something like PTSD is serious, and I'd encourage seeing a professional (annoying, cliche'd advice, I know). As you said, as long as anything can trigger your thoughts to go back there, it's going to be tough to function normally. If you can gain some control over those triggers (even as little as knowing what they are), you'll be in much better shape, and that's what a professional can help you figure out.

    As to why this time it was so different than previous times? Well, could be any number of things. As Succubus said, mental scars can have some odd reactions to certain conditions, much as physical scars can. If you're tired, it's much easier to go downhill fast (I've fallen prey to that too many times to count), similar for hunger (again, that's hit me *really* hard a few times), and a variety of other, less physically-derived things (though those vary more from person to person). Not a whole lot to do about exactly what triggered it until you're able to pull yourself back towards normal, at least a little bit. Anything that can distract you from the pain is a good way to start, and the play could well be a good option for that. Obviously, convincing yourself to go is the challenge here, but I'd encourage you to go.
    I'm in high school. I just sort of asked for a pass to get out of class, the teacher saw me sobbing in the corner, and let me out. Then I just had to call my parents to call the attendance office in front of me to say I could leave.

    I would like to see a professional, but I've had very little luck with the last one I had because of FDS, and I'm slightly turned off of them now as it is, considering I've never gained anything from sessions, and it appears talking about FDs makes everything worse.

    I seem to get triggered just by talking about it, or thinking about it, which is what really scares me. Suddenly I'm unsafe n my own brian, but it wasn't always like this, I used to be able to think about it without crying. The bad part is that suddenly two years of healing just left me, and I'm as raw as the beginning, where anything triggered me.
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  14. - Top - End - #974
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    Quote Originally Posted by MoonCat View Post
    I have serious abandonment issues, and also, I'm really weird. I'm quite used to people growing tired of my weirdness and deciding I'm not worth it. Especially in this case, where I can't help but feel two of the people I call my close friends never accepted me as a friend, but I just kept hanging out with them and they gave up on hinting I was unwelcome.
    ...Ah. I empathise.

    I can offer you nothing more than an imaginary Internet hug and a desire for you to get better, but I wish you luck.

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    Quote Originally Posted by TaiLiu View Post
    ...Ah. I empathise.

    I can offer you nothing more than an imaginary Internet hug and a desire for you to get better, but I wish you luck.
    Thank you. Truly, the forum is a place where everyone seems to actually accept the real me, quirks and all, taking them into stride. I have yet to find that in the real world.

    <hugs>
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by MoonCat View Post
    Thank you. Truly, the forum is a place where everyone seems to actually accept the real me, quirks and all, taking them into stride. I have yet to find that in the real world.

    <hugs>
    Your quirks are par for the course on the internet.

    Also, people tend to act weirder in real life than they do on the internet.
    Hate me if you want. But that's your issue to fix, not mine.

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    Quote Originally Posted by HalfTangible View Post
    Also, people tend to act weirder in real life than they do on the internet.
    Body language and blocking being most of it IIRC, and those are not really a concern online.

    Quote Originally Posted by MoonCat View Post
    Thank you. Truly, the forum is a place where everyone seems to actually accept the real me, quirks and all, taking them into stride. I have yet to find that in the real world.
    The cliche answer is that going to university gives that opportunity to a lot of people who were always miserable and outcast from their peers during their period of compulsory education. Just having the mobility to pursue your interests and find people who also share those interests helps a lot as well. Also known as it gets better, I believe.
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    Quote Originally Posted by HalfTangible View Post
    Your quirks are par for the course on the internet.

    Also, people tend to act weirder in real life than they do on the internet.
    Everyone here likes to hugs eachother and seems to love hugs. At my school, my three closest people I know hate being touched. Like, today I accidentally forgot and tried to hug one of them, he literally threw me off of him. And that's not even getting into my sense of humour. People here can detect sarcasm better than they can!

    Quote Originally Posted by Coidzor View Post
    The cliche answer is that going to university gives that opportunity to a lot of people who were always miserable and outcast from their peers during their period of compulsory education. Just having the mobility to pursue your interests and find people who also share those interests helps a lot as well. Also known as it gets better, I believe.
    That's my friends issue, which is something in the metaphor I'd consider some particularly bad scars. My problems at the moments are less about those, but the sudden open wounds.
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  19. - Top - End - #979
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    Quote Originally Posted by MoonCat View Post
    Everyone here likes to hugs each other and seems to love hugs. At my school, my three closest people I know hate being touched. Like, today I accidentally forgot and tried to hug one of them, he literally threw me off of him. And that's not even getting into my sense of humour. People here can detect sarcasm better than they can!
    Well, these hugs are intangible, unlike an actual hug. It's not physical contact being traded, but sympathy and emotion.

    The latter sentence is surprising, though - there is no body language or tone to detect.

  20. - Top - End - #980
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    Quote Originally Posted by MoonCat View Post
    Everyone here likes to hugs eachother and seems to love hugs. At my school, my three closest people I know hate being touched. Like, today I accidentally forgot and tried to hug one of them, he literally threw me off of him.
    On here, no physical contact is required. I've had a few hugs on here. In real life, hugs freeze me in terror. If it lasts too long i might panic, or start crying*.

    *You can see now why my parents don't take any complaint I have seriously.

    And that's not even getting into my sense of humour. People here can detect sarcasm better than they can!
    Part of that is the fact that text is non-audible: we hear whatever we're reading in whatever voice we want. If it's obvious that I'm writing something sarcastically, you'll know, and the voice you'll hear is exactly what you expect it to be. When you speak, though, you place higher importance on tone for detecting sarcasm. If you sound sincere, people assume you are. And it is VERY easy to sound sincere to others when you're being sarcastic. Verbal ticks sometimes get in the way of this too.

    Also, very few people apparently understand sarcasm that isn't overdramatic-movie-thick.
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  21. - Top - End - #981
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    Quote Originally Posted by MoonCat View Post
    I'm in high school. I just sort of asked for a pass to get out of class, the teacher saw me sobbing in the corner, and let me out. Then I just had to call my parents to call the attendance office in front of me to say I could leave.

    I would like to see a professional, but I've had very little luck with the last one I had because of FDS, and I'm slightly turned off of them now as it is, considering I've never gained anything from sessions, and it appears talking about FDs makes everything worse.

    I seem to get triggered just by talking about it, or thinking about it, which is what really scares me. Suddenly I'm unsafe n my own brian, but it wasn't always like this, I used to be able to think about it without crying. The bad part is that suddenly two years of healing just left me, and I'm as raw as the beginning, where anything triggered me.
    If you decide to try seeing a professional again, it may be worth trying to think of how you might be able to start with something less raw in order to get to know them (trust is key!), before trying to delve more deeply into how to recover from FDS. I'm not coming up with anything right now, but I'll try to keep it in the back of my mind, and someone else may be able to come up with something in the meantime.

    In terms of finding someone... since you're in high school, you don't have the counseling center resources of a college, but you probably have a guidance counselor. I'm remembering back to my ~500 student middle/high school, and we had one (I was lucky, and she was great). You might be able to start there, and either work with him/her or try to get a recommendation for a few professionals you could talk to.

    That fear of being inside your own brain would make anyone uncomfortable and scared, I think. It's supposed to be your own safe space, and yours has been violated. Obviously, the goal is to get it back, but it's also the challenging part.

    For the moment, *hugs*
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  22. - Top - End - #982
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    Quote Originally Posted by rogueboy View Post
    If you decide to try seeing a professional again, it may be worth trying to think of how you might be able to start with something less raw in order to get to know them (trust is key!), before trying to delve more deeply into how to recover from FDS. I'm not coming up with anything right now, but I'll try to keep it in the back of my mind, and someone else may be able to come up with something in the meantime.

    In terms of finding someone... since you're in high school, you don't have the counseling center resources of a college, but you probably have a guidance counselor. I'm remembering back to my ~500 student middle/high school, and we had one (I was lucky, and she was great). You might be able to start there, and either work with him/her or try to get a recommendation for a few professionals you could talk to.

    That fear of being inside your own brain would make anyone uncomfortable and scared, I think. It's supposed to be your own safe space, and yours has been violated. Obviously, the goal is to get it back, but it's also the challenging part.

    For the moment, *hugs*
    I think I might just try and pretend it never happened for now. Anything to rid myself of that sudden terror again. If it doesn't work/happens again, I'll consider therapy, but I just want to put it behind me so much.

    <hugs> Thank you.
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  23. - Top - End - #983
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    Why do I want to stop hurting? Wanting to stop hurting never makes it stop hurting, trying to stop hurting never makes it stop hurting, so why do I even bother wanting to stop hurting?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ialdabaoth View Post
    Why do I want to stop hurting? Wanting to stop hurting never makes it stop hurting, trying to stop hurting never makes it stop hurting, so why do I even bother wanting to stop hurting?
    What's wrong?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ialdabaoth View Post
    Why do I want to stop hurting? Wanting to stop hurting never makes it stop hurting, trying to stop hurting never makes it stop hurting, so why do I even bother wanting to stop hurting?
    Hurting emotionally or physically...?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Thajocoth View Post
    What's wrong?
    I'm not sure that it's relevant. I'm trying to understand why my body and mind keep trying to convince me that 'wrongness' is a relevant concept/state/sensation to perceive at all.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ialdabaoth View Post
    I'm not sure that it's relevant. I'm trying to understand why my body and mind keep trying to convince me that 'wrongness' is a relevant concept/state/sensation to perceive at all.
    It is. When something feels 'wrong' like that it generally means something IS wrong, but you don't know for sure what it is. If you arm falls off, you know why your arm is numb and your shoulder is in searing pain: because your arm fell off. On the other hand, for instance, if you start to hallucinate, you might be lucid enough to tell something is 'off' but be unable to put your finger on what. It's like the uncanny valley: something is wrong, but you don't know what, so your body just tells you something is wrong and hopes you'll figure it out.

    I think.
    Hate me if you want. But that's your issue to fix, not mine.

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    Quote Originally Posted by HalfTangible View Post
    It is.
    Why?

    When something feels 'wrong' like that it generally means something IS wrong, but you don't know for sure what it is. If you arm falls off, you know why your arm is numb and your shoulder is in searing pain: because your arm fell off. On the other hand, for instance, if you start to hallucinate, you might be lucid enough to tell something is 'off' but be unable to put your finger on what. It's like the uncanny valley: something is wrong, but you don't know what, so your body just tells you something is wrong and hopes you'll figure it out.

    I think.
    Why would an arm falling off be 'wrong'?

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    Because arms are not engineered to just fall off of humans.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Ialdabaoth View Post
    I'm not sure that it's relevant. I'm trying to understand why my body and mind keep trying to convince me that 'wrongness' is a relevant concept/state/sensation to perceive at all.
    Well, psychologically speaking, you may sense that something is 'wrong' or 'off' because of your morals, traditions, and thought processes.

    Why do you find rape wrong? Why do you dislike that font so much? Why is that behavior unacceptable?

    Subconsciously or not, it's all about perception.

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