Personal Woes and Advice 2

[Haluesen]

Sorry you're having such a rough time right now

(I'm focusing on a small area, I know) I don't know/remember how far removed you are from school, but those skills aren't taught, at least not in any class I ever saw. A lot of those skills are things you learn as you go. Do you have any friends or family who seem to have a particular area under control? For example, I know I have friends who are going through grad school, so if I'm overwhelmed by school I might look to them for ideas of how to deal with it. For something like taxes or buying my car (a few years back now), I asked my dad for help. By having them help you (NOT having them do it for you), you'll pick up some tricks they use to get it done easier/better/faster. Then, if you have to do that (or something similar) again, you have a better starting point for going it alone, or for learning something new the next time you get help. Remember that (most) people like helping those around them.

That being said, there are some things that you just won't do enough times in your life to make it worth learning well enough to do solo - buying a house comes to mind for this category; you're probably best just paying a realtor to help you out. It may be expensive, but at least you know (as long as you got a good one) that they'll do it right.

It's okay I do find focus a good thing. Thank you for talking to me.
Well I suppose for some things I can. I see my family as odd. My mom has only ever rented a place for us to live, small places, usually mobile homes, for the last decade, or at least close to that long. I believe some of this stuff I could ask her about, though some maybe not. Maybe my grandma, she does actually really own this mobile we are living in now. It'll be made harder by the fact that the first place I want to move to is near my girlfriend, more than 1000 miles away. But a lot of things that I feel should be basic I just don't know. Not having that knowledge is hard, but like you said there are people I can learn from, and so I shall. The harder part is the feeling I get from not knowing: pathetic and sad, and sometimes being sad makes me feel more pathetic, like for some reason I shouldn't be sad. I only judge myself this way, not others. And as I said it piles on with everything else that makes me feel worried or sad.

1 small worry I can handle with little stress or damage to my self esteem. Many worries and insecurities that hit at once are too much for me, and I just don't know how to deal with it. First instinct is talk to my girl, second is play actiony video game, third is chat online, which only happens when very worried, though I am starting to chill out a bit now. I kinda skipped the 2nd step though.

[rogueboy]

It's okay I do find focus a good thing. Thank you for talking to me.
Well I suppose for some things I can. I see my family as odd. My mom has only ever rented a place for us to live, small places, usually mobile homes, for the last decade, or at least close to that long. I believe some of this stuff I could ask her about, though some maybe not. Maybe my grandma, she does actually really own this mobile we are living in now. It'll be made harder by the fact that the first place I want to move to is near my girlfriend, more than 1000 miles away. But a lot of things that I feel should be basic I just don't know. Not having that knowledge is hard, but like you said there are people I can learn from, and so I shall. The harder part is the feeling I get from not knowing: pathetic and sad, and sometimes being sad makes me feel more pathetic, like for some reason I shouldn't be sad. I only judge myself this way, not others. And as I said it piles on with everything else that makes me feel worried or sad.

1 small worry I can handle with little stress or damage to my self esteem. Many worries and insecurities that hit at once are too much for me, and I just don't know how to deal with it. First instinct is talk to my girl, second is play actiony video game, third is chat online, which only happens when very worried, though I am starting to chill out a bit now. I kinda skipped the 2nd step though.

Does your girlfriend know anyone you could get help from? Having someone local would make it easier, and avoids the added complication of trying to move 1000 miles away from family. My point was less about the specific people you could ask, and more that you probably know someone (or know someone who knows someone) that can help you with the various things you need to improve on.

If you're looking to buy a place (and do make sure you're aware of what that means getting into - HOA fees, maintenance, etc), someone who hasn't done that in a long time (or ever) isn't going to be your best bet. You want someone who has experience in the area you're working on.

I get the stress adding up. I'm dealing with it beginning to creep into my behavior, as I'm currently at 3 months of not doing anything (school or work, specifically), with no currently scheduled end to that (classes are in the works, but that won't be for 2 more months). This is the longest I've ever gone without school/work, and only the second time in the past 7 years I've had more than a week or so without one or the other. I stress out over weird things sometimes...

[Haluesen]

Does your girlfriend know anyone you could get help from? Having someone local would make it easier, and avoids the added complication of trying to move 1000 miles away from family. My point was less about the specific people you could ask, and more that you probably know someone (or know someone who knows someone) that can help you with the various things you need to improve on.

If you're looking to buy a place (and do make sure you're aware of what that means getting into - HOA fees, maintenance, etc), someone who hasn't done that in a long time (or ever) isn't going to be your best bet. You want someone who has experience in the area you're working on.

I get the stress adding up. I'm dealing with it beginning to creep into my behavior, as I'm currently at 3 months of not doing anything (school or work, specifically), with no currently scheduled end to that (classes are in the works, but that won't be for 2 more months). This is the longest I've ever gone without school/work, and only the second time in the past 7 years I've had more than a week or so without one or the other. I stress out over weird things sometimes...

Yeah I suppose overall. I will talk to some family and friends and family of friends, and see what I can learn. Maybe take some notes. And maybe she does...just not at the moment. It's complicated, and is partly why I'm not already having plans set to go over there, besides the money issues. I also hope to write down a full real exercise and diet schedule or something like that today, and hope to stick with it.

Yeah that stress can suck. I know I feel strange about what I stress over. I started school so I could not feel like I was doing nothing in my life (and because I really want to learn how to make games). I wish you the best with working out job and/or school stuff. Do you know what you want to study, or what career you want to go for?

[rogueboy]

Well, having spent the last 7 years in post-secondary education, I figured I should continue the trend and go for 12!

In seriousness, I decided to change career plans 3 years into a graduate program (organic chemistry - yes, I'm insane), and am looking at pharmacy school now, which would add 5 more years (1 of prerequisites and 4 of pharmacy itself).

I'm meeting with someone in the pharmacy program in the morning, and an adviser about the prereqs I need on Friday... things should be starting to fall into place soon. Then I just need to sort out how I can avoid being completely broke for the next 5 years It never ends, does it?

[Morbis Meh]

Well, having spent the last 7 years in post-secondary education, I figured I should continue the trend and go for 12!

In seriousness, I decided to change career plans 3 years into a graduate program (organic chemistry - yes, I'm insane), and am looking at pharmacy school now, which would add 5 more years (1 of prerequisites and 4 of pharmacy itself).

I'm meeting with someone in the pharmacy program in the morning, and an adviser about the prereqs I need on Friday... things should be starting to fall into place soon. Then I just need to sort out how I can avoid being completely broke for the next 5 years It never ends, does it?

No it never does... in a year I will be applying for grad school as well (Organic chemistry to boot! Sanity is overrated dear sir!) I was interested in pharmacy but I like being a lab rat and who knows maybe in my dottage I will decide to pick up my PhD and teach. As for money, to a student it is just an illusion anyway I wish you the best of luck with your endeavors!

[Astrella]

So... I didn't eat for four days (just ate, don't worry) and I'm pretty scared right now that that actually happened.

[RCgothic]

So... I didn't eat for four days (just ate, don't worry) and I'm pretty scared right now that that actually happened.

*reassuring hugs*

Why do you think it happened? Is this the first time something like this has happened, or do you usually have a slightly fraught relationship with food?

[rogueboy]

No it never does... in a year I will be applying for grad school as well (Organic chemistry to boot! Sanity is overrated dear sir!) I was interested in pharmacy but I like being a lab rat and who knows maybe in my dottage I will decide to pick up my PhD and teach. As for money, to a student it is just an illusion anyway I wish you the best of luck with your endeavors!

Nice! Where are you thinking of applying? (we might want to take this to PM, since it's a bit unrelated to the thread). I went exactly the opposite direction, having enjoyed being a lab rat (but knowing I didn't want to teach) in undergrad, and then realizing that I liked the varied interactions I got while teaching (not enough to actually want to teach, mind you), and didn't like the daily grind of lab research as much. But thanks, and good luck to you as well! (also, what is this "sanity" you speak of? all I know is insanity)

So... I didn't eat for four days (just ate, don't worry) and I'm pretty scared right now that that actually happened.

Were you aware that you were going that long without eating? Because I've had occasional weekends where I'd be going to bed on Sunday and realize "wait... the last time I wait was breakfast... on Friday... eh, I'll eat in the morning." If you weren't actively avoiding food, I wouldn't worry about it too much. If you were actively avoiding eating (despite being hungry, in particular), then it might be something to be concerned about, but it doesn't sound like you were in that category.

Also, could your feelings of stress/guilt be related? That wouldn't surprise me at all. see PM you sent me a few days back - RWA thread; also, any updates on that?

[WarKitty]

So...there's a phenomenon that I've been noticing. There's often one family member who's very irritable. They want things their way and no one's going to deny them! That's not the phenomenon. The phenomenon I've noticed is when someone stands up to them. Guess who the rest of the family gets mad at? Yeah.

Been dealing with this with my mom and my dad. I do like my father, but I don't know what to say when he comes to me asking me to make up with my mother. I love him but I feel like he's enabling her behavior.

[Astrella]

*reassuring hugs*

Why do you think it happened? Is this the first time something like this has happened, or do you usually have a slightly fraught relationship with food?

It's the first time it's been so bad. Anxiety has been messing with my appetite for months now though. :/

Were you aware that you were going that long without eating? Because I've had occasional weekends where I'd be going to bed on Sunday and realize "wait... the last time I wait was breakfast... on Friday... eh, I'll eat in the morning." If you weren't actively avoiding food, I wouldn't worry about it too much. If you were actively avoiding eating (despite being hungry, in particular), then it might be something to be concerned about, but it doesn't sound like you were in that category.

Also, could your feelings of stress/guilt be related? That wouldn't surprise me at all. see PM you sent me a few days back - RWA thread; also, any updates on that?

I was, very aware. (With regards to the RWA thing, that got sorted out positively.)

It's just... I didn't feel hungry. And thinking of eating was slightly repulsive? Not in a grossed out fashion but more in a "I really don't feel like eating right now" way. I have been a bit of a mess the last few days with crying and stuff and worrying about a lot of things like telling my parents I screwed up at uni, work, trans stuff with regards to my parents and myself and I guess just feeling a bit lonely after the meetup as well.

I'm mostly just scared that it just happened, you know?

[WarKitty]

It's the first time it's been so bad. Anxiety has been messing with my appetite for months now though. :/



I was, very aware. (With regards to the RWA thing, that got sorted out positively.)

It's just... I didn't feel hungry. And thinking of eating was slightly repulsive? Not in a grossed out fashion but more in a "I really don't feel like eating right now" way. I have been a bit of a mess the last few days with crying and stuff and worrying about a lot of things like telling my parents I screwed up at uni, work, trans stuff with regards to my parents and myself and I guess just feeling a bit lonely after the meetup as well.

I'm mostly just scared that it just happened, you know?

Get some protein or meal replacement shakes. I've dealt with this sort of thing for years. The things aren't as good as a real meal but they'll do the trick when you just can't bring yourself to eat.

[rogueboy]

I was, very aware. (With regards to the RWA thing, that got sorted out positively.)

Glad to hear it! (the RWA piece, not this piece)

It's just... I didn't feel hungry. And thinking of eating was slightly repulsive? Not in a grossed out fashion but more in a "I really don't feel like eating right now" way. I have been a bit of a mess the last few days with crying and stuff and worrying about a lot of things like telling my parents I screwed up at uni, work, trans stuff with regards to my parents and myself and I guess just feeling a bit lonely after the meetup as well.

I'm mostly just scared that it just happened, you know?

If you weren't feeling hungry, you weren't doing something that burns calories (eg, sitting at a computer or playing board games all day, but not running errands and such), and it isn't a regular thing, I honestly don't see the not eating (in and of itself) as a serious issue. The stress and such that led to it, yes. And as WarKitty suggested, having a protein bar or something similar (bowl of peanuts, possibly?) around is often easier than eating a proper meal, and will tide you over rather well until eating doesn't seem out of the question.

As to the anxiety part, have you talked to someone (a professional) about that? It may be something they can help with, especially with all the stressors you're dealing with right now.

[Castaras]

Not eating because of anxiety is a thing I had issues with as well. I got around it by asking someone close to me to remind me to go eat, and then getting them to push me to eat even if I didn't feel up to it. A little food is better than none.

It isn't something to worry about *yet*, but if this pattern continues / gets worse then you do need to put some sort of mechanism in place to make sure you eat. Losing weight and not eating much self-perpetuates especially with anxiety. I found that I only started eating again properly after I had time to relax.

And regarding meetup blues... very common phenomena. *hugs* Just remember the fun times and look forward to the next one, 'tis how I cope.

[RCgothic]

It's just... I didn't feel hungry. And thinking of eating was slightly repulsive? Not in a grossed out fashion but more in a "I really don't feel like eating right now" way.

Presumably you must have been drinking during this time? I'd second the advice that if you feel something like that coming on again then the ideal stuff to be drinking is fruit juice or milkshakes/protein shakes to help keep your strength up and have a good meal when you finally can face it again.

I have a relative recovering from acute anorexia at the moment, so that's what immediately entered my head. But a lack of appetite due to stress is a perfectly normal reaction to the stress as long as it doesn't become a long term thing.

I have been a bit of a mess the last few days with crying and stuff and worrying about a lot of things like telling my parents I screwed up at uni, work, trans stuff with regards to my parents and myself and I guess just feeling a bit lonely after the meetup as well.

I'm mostly just scared that it just happened, you know?

I'm a uni screw up too.

I know how stressful telling your parents about that can be. The only serious fight I've known my parents to have was because I was forced to tell my mum due to circumstance, made her promise not to tell my dad, and then he found out anyway when I failed the year. Don't do that.

I don't know how badly things are going, but the important thing is to finish. I know it sounds like the end of the world, but unless you want to be a NASA scientist four years on nobody will care what your grade boundary was and you'd be amazed how mitigating a medical reason can be.

At one stage I had three examined essays due in the next morning and by 9pm I hadn't started any of them. I was going to fail this module and going to pieces over it. I spoke to my tutor, he calmed me down, and I got one and a half of them done in time for the deadline. I scraped a passing grade. No matter how bad it might seem, it's very rarely hopeless.

People in the LGBTA+ thread may be more qualified than me to help with trans issues, and I don't know how the meet up went either, but I can offer hugs.

*comforting hugs*

[WarKitty]

So...there's a phenomenon that I've been noticing. There's often one family member who's very irritable. They want things their way and no one's going to deny them! That's not the phenomenon. The phenomenon I've noticed is when someone stands up to them. Guess who the rest of the family gets mad at? Yeah.

Been dealing with this with my mom and my dad. I do like my father, but I don't know what to say when he comes to me asking me to make up with my mother. I love him but I feel like he's enabling her behavior.

Seriously, I am tired of hearing "you know, you made your mother upset by what you did." Yes I know, that doesn't mean I did anything wrong here!

[Moriwen]

It's the first time it's been so bad. Anxiety has been messing with my appetite for months now though. :/



I was, very aware. (With regards to the RWA thing, that got sorted out positively.)

It's just... I didn't feel hungry. And thinking of eating was slightly repulsive? Not in a grossed out fashion but more in a "I really don't feel like eating right now" way. I have been a bit of a mess the last few days with crying and stuff and worrying about a lot of things like telling my parents I screwed up at uni, work, trans stuff with regards to my parents and myself and I guess just feeling a bit lonely after the meetup as well.

I'm mostly just scared that it just happened, you know?

(((hugs)))

Does it help if you have some pre-prepared stuff on hand? I know when I'm not eating out of depression, it's at least partly because 1) I'm not hungry and 2) I have no energy/motivation for anything, so between the two I can't summon up the willpower to make food. But if I have something in small bite-sized pieces in front of me while I'm doing something else, I'll still eat it automatically.

Cut fruit in particular is good, I think, because it doesn't feel as "heavy" as a lot of other options. Could you cut some up when you're feeling better, and store it for when you're not?

[dehro]

I'm mostly just scared that it just happened, you know?

the way I see it, that's a good thing. it would be hella worse if it didn't bother you much. use that "scare" as a reminder and a motivation to sort out the issue.

[Sholos]

What do you do with parents that are being extremely controlling and invasive out of good intentions?

[dehro]

ask them to back off a little and explain that you're feeling smothered, albeit with good intentions?

[Skeppio]

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Welp,
Having a complete mental breakdown and relapse into depression. For all the good seeing different therapists for nearly two straight years did me (hint: it didn't do a goddamn thing).
Now that I'm in a bad mood again, of course I end up in an argument and lose another few friends. Because no-one wants to be around a grumpy person. Hell, I wouldn't want to be around me either, given the chance.
Naturally, my attempts to better my life and enjoy myself fall to pieces. People ignore my posts/messages/existence, no-one listens to what I have to say, I can't get friends together for a game, my possible date cancels at the last minute, y'know the usual.
And what do I do? Of course! Get mad at other people who had nothing to do with it. It is aggravating to hear the same advice ("never stop trying", "there's someone for everyone", etc) over and over, but I shouldn't attack them over it. But of course I did.
And I can't go back to therapy. I just can't. That would mean admitting to all my friends and family that I'm a worthless weak loser who can't face life without an actual adult holding my hand the whole way. I have my pride, damnit. Or more accurately, I cling desperately to tattered shreds of what was once pride.
It's fine though. I should be alone, unloved and ridiculed. It's what I deserve for being such a prick all this time.
Hell, I wouldn't bother replying to this mess. Who cares? You shouldn't. No-one should. If you do care, you're just wasting your time.

[Moriwen]

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Welp,
Having a complete mental breakdown and relapse into depression. For all the good seeing different therapists for nearly two straight years did me (hint: it didn't do a goddamn thing).
Now that I'm in a bad mood again, of course I end up in an argument and lose another few friends. Because no-one wants to be around a grumpy person. Hell, I wouldn't want to be around me either, given the chance.
Naturally, my attempts to better my life and enjoy myself fall to pieces. People ignore my posts/messages/existence, no-one listens to what I have to say, I can't get friends together for a game, my possible date cancels at the last minute, y'know the usual.
And what do I do? Of course! Get mad at other people who had nothing to do with it. It is aggravating to hear the same advice ("never stop trying", "there's someone for everyone", etc) over and over, but I shouldn't attack them over it. But of course I did.
And I can't go back to therapy. I just can't. That would mean admitting to all my friends and family that I'm a worthless weak loser who can't face life without an actual adult holding my hand the whole way. I have my pride, damnit. Or more accurately, I cling desperately to tattered shreds of what was once pride.
It's fine though. I should be alone, unloved and ridiculed. It's what I deserve for being such a prick all this time.
Hell, I wouldn't bother replying to this mess. Who cares? You shouldn't. No-one should. If you do care, you're just wasting your time.

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(In my most big-sisterly stern tone)

No. Stop it. Don't talk about yourself that way. You're not allowed to talk about yourself that way.

If it helps (and from the way you feel about honor, I think it might) think about it this way: would you call someone else who was struggling with this "a worthless weak loser?" Would you say that someone who was miserable because they had cancer "deserved" it? Depression is no less real. Read that last sentence as many times as necessary. Don't tell yourself it's all in your head, it's not, that's not fair to other people who are going through this.

Now. Are we ready to stop being silly?

Number one. There's nothing wrong with going to a therapist. It's not shameful, or it shouldn't be. It's no different from going to a doctor. But I realize you don't feel like that's going to be helpful to you. It's possible that's right. (It's also possible that you're not thinking well because you're in a depressive episode, so I do strongly encourage you to go to a therapist, even as a one-time thing, if you can bring yourself to.)

Number two. Do you know if your depression is chemical or circumstantial? If you don't, and you've been seeing therapists for two straight years, they were all useless. Not you. Them. If it's chemical, feeling completely better could be no harder than taking a pill. And that's not "relying on a real adult," that's no different from taking pain medication when you're hurting physically.

Number three. Aside from number two, the main advantage to seeing a therapist is to talk various things out. Is there anyone you feel like you can talk to about what's bothering you? Parents, grandparents, favorite aunt/uncle, best friend, mentor, person who says "you know you can talk to me" but you've never taken them up on it? Or if there's something specific, could an academic advisor help? Or (wild guess based on your user information) a local LGBT association?

Number four. (((hugs))) (((hugs))) (((hugs)))
If you're losing friends, it's not your fault, it's their fault, they're idiots. Worthwhile friends don't give up on friends because they're going through something rough. Isn't there a saying about fair-weather friends? And I bet you haven't lost as many as you think. Please remember that you're depressed and probably not thinking very straight. You are a worthwhile person. People care about you. And you're doing the right thing, the brave thing, by even coming here and asking for help. I remember how hard that was. You can get through this.


My PM box is always open, if you want to talk.

[Serpentine]

Vent. Probably just hormones or whatever.

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I wish this deep blue funk would go away. I've been in it for a full week now, going on two. This is not my normal self, and if it doesn't end soon I think I'm gonna have to see a doctor about it - I get them sometimes (3 in the last 3 months, apparently - but 2 weeks between the first set and then about 5 weeks between the second), but hardly ever this hard and never for this long, as far as I can remember. I get sensitive and delicate, I start wanting to cry - full on sobs if I can get alone - at absolutely nothing, I start taking everything personally (more than usual, anyway), I completely lose all my patience, I start getting really snappy at everyone, everything pisses me off, and all I want is for one or more specific friends to hug me for a while.
Today I went to a game with a heap of friends; the shop got my dinner order wrong, and I had to go for a long walk or I'd burst into tears right in front of everyone. Only one person really noticed or seemed to care (although one did note that I "seemed distant"), and that was exactly the person I really didn't want to - they're too big, too bold, too loud, too spotlight-seeking; everything that rubs me right the wrong way when I'm in this sort of Mood.
To make it worse, that person was also the one responsible for me being deprived of my prearranged company the other day. This friend, I think I've been there for them a lot and tried to be available and present and as helpful as possible when they're down, etc. But this week, when they've been almost the only person around I've really wanted to talk to and be around,, they've seemed to be always busy or afk or whatever, and just hasn't really seemed to care all that much. We organized to hang out all day the other day, but they ended up having to cut it extremely short by having to go off and spend time with that other friend, their SO.
I realize that SOs come first, and they probably couldn't get out of it. I realize they were probably trying their hardest and I can't expect them to always be on call for me and I realize all the ways it's not their fault and I'm just being dumb. But I still feel abandoned and extra-depressed and generally all-round rotten with that apparently this time at the core.
But that's kinda the kicker right there: I'm upset because my friend wasn't there enough when I was upset? What? I have no idea how much of this is me being genuinely hurt, and how much of it is just this gorram Mood messing with me. At the moment, I think I will stop being peeved at them when enough time goes by for me to get over it, when they eventually get around to finding the time to rebook (by which time I may not even need it anymore - more on that shortly), or maybe if they manage to give me a really excellent apology even though, as I said, I know they haven't really done anything wrong. But on the other hand, I could wake up tomorrow with the Mood completely gone and with it every drop of my resentment as well as my need/desire for my friend's support. I have absolutely no idea.
But for now, I just feel ****house. I guess it could just be my equivalent to PMS or whatever, but whatever it is, I can't function like this. I'm a wreck. Sure, there's lots of things going on I could list that are upsetting me or stressing me out - I've just gone through one or two, circular as they are - but really, there's no point; none of them warrant this sort of breakdown, none of them would normally result in this sort of breakdown, or at least certainly not for this long.
I just wish it would go away -.-

[Sholos]

ask them to back off a little and explain that you're feeling smothered, albeit with good intentions?

Hasn't worked so far...

[Skeppio]

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(In my most big-sisterly stern tone)

No. Stop it. Don't talk about yourself that way. You're not allowed to talk about yourself that way.

If it helps (and from the way you feel about honor, I think it might) think about it this way: would you call someone else who was struggling with this "a worthless weak loser?" Would you say that someone who was miserable because they had cancer "deserved" it? Depression is no less real. Read that last sentence as many times as necessary. Don't tell yourself it's all in your head, it's not, that's not fair to other people who are going through this.

...I suppose I wouldn't.

Now. Are we ready to stop being silly?

I guess. :/

Number one. There's nothing wrong with going to a therapist. It's not shameful, or it shouldn't be. It's no different from going to a doctor. But I realize you don't feel like that's going to be helpful to you. It's possible that's right. (It's also possible that you're not thinking well because you're in a depressive episode, so I do strongly encourage you to go to a therapist, even as a one-time thing, if you can bring yourself to.)

I really don't want to have to start going again...not least of all because the place is over an hour away and requires swapping trains... :/

Number two. Do you know if your depression is chemical or circumstantial? If you don't, and you've been seeing therapists for two straight years, they were all useless. Not you. Them. If it's chemical, feeling completely better could be no harder than taking a pill. And that's not "relying on a real adult," that's no different from taking pain medication when you're hurting physically.

It's been a long time since I was seeing a therapist, so I don't remember. Though I do recall being told about it. If only I could remember....

Number three. Aside from number two, the main advantage to seeing a therapist is to talk various things out. Is there anyone you feel like you can talk to about what's bothering you? Parents, grandparents, favorite aunt/uncle, best friend, mentor, person who says "you know you can talk to me" but you've never taken them up on it? Or if there's something specific, could an academic advisor help? Or (wild guess based on your user information) a local LGBT association?

Not really, no. :/ I don't even know if there is an LGBT association around me.

Number four. (((hugs))) (((hugs))) (((hugs)))
If you're losing friends, it's not your fault, it's their fault, they're idiots. Worthwhile friends don't give up on friends because they're going through something rough. Isn't there a saying about fair-weather friends? And I bet you haven't lost as many as you think. Please remember that you're depressed and probably not thinking very straight. You are a worthwhile person. People care about you. And you're doing the right thing, the brave thing, by even coming here and asking for help. I remember how hard that was. You can get through this.

Please don't talk about them like that. They're friends, they're just tired of my ****. They're not bad people or fair-weather friends. Maybe they'll be back.

Also, update:

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So today, someone I know on Facebook (they used to be on GitP, but got banned) found a screenshot they took of something horrible I said to them ages ago when I was angry and deep in depression. Something I seriously regret. So what do they do? They send it to me! Of course, why not? Now I feel even worse, because I thought both I and they had moved past that incident. Apparently not...

[The Succubus]

In this particular instance, you are correct.

The reason I broke contact with you was because I was finding it difficult to talk to you. As you picked up on, you have a tendacy to lash out at folks, especially when your mood is...less than cheerful. I felt like a jerk for a while because although you were in trouble, I was afraid to contact you.

Moriwen has said a lot of really sensible stuff in her post. With regards to the therapy, you do need some professional level support of some description. A psychiatrist might be able to determine whether it is a chemical reaction in your brain that's causing these sudden shifts in moods - a therapist can only provide conversational support and advice on behaviour changing tactics.

I know it's a long distance to travel - long train journeys suck. Look at it like this though - wouldn't it be nice to have some peace in your own brain and have more friends returning to you when they see how you've improved? That's got to be worth the price of a couple of train trips.

A friend of mine is often reluctant to attend their therapy appointments, because, like you, they live far away and it's difficult for them to raise the motivation to go. It sometimes takes the entire efforts our friends to convince them to go...but the person that comes back from therapy is noticeably happier and the feeling seems to last slightly longer with each visit.

With regards to the update, would you mind filling in this questionnaire?

* Do you know why this person was angry with you?
* Do you regret sending it?
* Have you apologised for sending it?

If you've answered "yes" to all of these, then you've almost done everything you need to do on your end but there's one more bit....

* Is there a risk of you repeating this action again, either with this person or someone else?

If the answer to this one is "yes"...then it's time to take a train trip, Skeppio.

Good luck.

[Castaras]

Minor thoughts:

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Moving into a new place and getting settled seems to have helped my motivation for doing work in the short run. Although I'm still noticing things that have changed over the past few months that I'm pretty sure are related to all the stress and such I've been going through.

I'm getting more twitchy about noise. Loud noise is grating and makes me want to curl up somewhere and cover my ears. Small noises are more irritating than normal and make me want to stop them at any cost.

I'm finding it harder to deal with people - not in the sense of understanding them, more of spending time. I'm needing more time alone to recover from dealing with people, and having other people other than my boyfriend in the house for too long is hard work.

At least my moods are now a little more sturdy now that I've had relaxation and time. But I'm @!£$ing terrified of the beginning of September. I have no idea what's going to happen with my two resits, and while I have plans in place to deal with the fallout either way, I still don't feel ready. I don't think I ever will. And I'm scared either way. If I fail, I'll be changing subject *again*, which in itself is depressing, added to this is the last change I'll be able to make before I'll have to start paying university fees upfront. I'd be spending 5 years at university, which I do not want to do. But if I succeed, I'll still be doing the subject I'm doing currently. But the panic and anxiety could happen again, and there's distinct possibilties I'd still fail. And if I succeed and continue, then find out that physics is the wrong subject due to me not being able to deal with it, I don't know what I'd do. I mean, a doctor's note is the only reason I have 2 resits, not 4. I technically failed all my core physics, with my maths only being passes.

I hate academia. Only reason I'm going through this is so it's easier to get a job that I'd enjoy and that wouldn't bore me. I know vaguely what fields I'm going to be aiming for (programming and/or space technology), and both subjects will prepare me for it. The first one a bit better for both, so I'm going to do my damndest to get through these resits.

Isn't really much to comment on, I know what my plans are for the next month. Work through the material, as if it's my main job. Do the resits. Go from there.

The most depressing thing though? There was an offer sent out a couple of days ago for a physics internship for end of august through september. I can't do it because of these resits, and the internship would not only have paid well (a £ or 2 above minimum wage, good for a summer job) but would have given experience I need. Really want to apply for it, but I know that I shouldn't if I want to get my degree.

I hate academia. Love learning about stuff, can't deal with the stress of potential failure. I can't wait until the next 2/3 years are done.

[Skeppio]

In this particular instance, you are correct.

The reason I broke contact with you was because I was finding it difficult to talk to you. As you picked up on, you have a tendacy to lash out at folks, especially when your mood is...less than cheerful. I felt like a jerk for a while because although you were in trouble, I was afraid to contact you.

Don't be afraid... I miss hearing from you.

Moriwen has said a lot of really sensible stuff in her post. With regards to the therapy, you do need some professional level support of some description. A psychiatrist might be able to determine whether it is a chemical reaction in your brain that's causing these sudden shifts in moods - a therapist can only provide conversational support and advice on behaviour changing tactics.

I really don't remember...it's been so long since I talked to them.

I know it's a long distance to travel - long train journeys suck. Look at it like this though - wouldn't it be nice to have some peace in your own brain and have more friends returning to you when they see how you've improved? That's got to be worth the price of a couple of train trips.

But I thought I had improved. And no-one noticed.

A friend of mine is often reluctant to attend their therapy appointments, because, like you, they live far away and it's difficult for them to raise the motivation to go. It sometimes takes the entire efforts our friends to convince them to go...but the person that comes back from therapy is noticeably happier and the feeling seems to last slightly longer with each visit.

._. But I thought I had gotten better. I was seeing the therapists for two years overall. I was so happy after the last visit...

With regards to the update, would you mind filling in this questionnaire?

* Do you know why this person was angry with you?
* Do you regret sending it?
* Have you apologised for sending it?

* Nope. They didn't even seem angry. They just re-surfaced it for ****s n giggles.
* Yes, of course I do!
* Yes!!!

If you've answered "yes" to all of these, then you've almost done everything you need to do on your end but there's one more bit....

* Is there a risk of you repeating this action again, either with this person or someone else?

If the answer to this one is "yes"...then it's time to take a train trip, Skeppio.

Good luck.

I don't know. Probably not?

[Moriwen]

[SPOILER]
Please don't talk about them like that. They're friends, they're just tired of my ****. They're not bad people or fair-weather friends. Maybe they'll be back.

Shoot, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come across that way. I lost one of my closest friends through depression and sometimes what I really needed to hear was "he's being an idiot." I guess I was projecting too much. I don't actually know them, obviously, and I take your word for it that they're good friends.

I hope things get better for you.

[Skeppio]

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why do they all leave? why do I make them all angry? why am I always so alone? why am I so hated? why is everything so bleak? I want it to end. why won't it all end?! why won't anyone let it end?! I haven't slept properly in days...I just want to sleep.......forever.

[The Succubus]

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why do they all leave? why do I make them all angry? why am I always so alone? why am I so hated? why is everything so bleak? I want it to end. why won't it all end?! why won't anyone let it end?! I haven't slept properly in days...I just want to sleep.......forever.

There are some very, very good questions here.

* What is it about my behaviour that discourages these specific people from wanting to contact me?

* What am I saying or doing that is making these specific people angry?

* What can I do to start reaching out to people that I would like to see me as a friend?

The problem is that, at present, you cannot answer these questions yourself. You are unable to detach yourself from them and any answer you get will be clouded by emotions like anger, self pity and self loathing. As a result, any answers you arrive at from in your own mind will not be logical and dispassionate, which are the answers you need. This why a psychiatrist can help - they have study human thought patterns and breaking established conditioning. It's not "reprogramming", "brainwashing" or "sucking out your soul and replacing it with an automaton".

The brain is just like any other body part - your ear, your eye or your hand. Sometimes a muscle gets sprained or a part of it works overtime to the detriment of the other bits. In your case, the parts of your brain which handle negative emotions, which are important for self preservation and awareness, are working overtime. Whether it's because of behaviour or neurotransmitters I don't know - I'm not a doctor in that respect.

The point is, it's something that can be repaired or adjusted without affecting the rest of you. It's not something that's likely to repair itself unfortunately - that's why you need to see someone that knows about stuff like this, because they'll have the tools and equipment needed to repair it.