Personal Woes and Advice 2

[WarKitty]

What do you do when you can't do anything?

What do you do when you know someone is a predator, and you know that they're out in the world, and you know they're working with people who could be victims, and you know you can't do anything?

What do you do when you know, but the only "proof" you have is your own memories, memories that you can't show to anyone else? What do you do when even if you could you know many people would say so what?

What do you do when you tried to do something once and got told no there was nothing to do? What do you do when you know perfectly well the answer will be the same even if you tried again?

What do I do here?

[dehro]

I kind of feel like a terrible person now because my first thought was "call the A-team"..
on the other hand.. are there no helplines or social service-analogues that can give advice or take notice of concerns/anonymous tip-offs and such?
I'm not a religious person, and if I were it would be the wrong religion, but.. aren't priests and vicars and such open to listening to such stories and maybe able to offer a support to your stepping towards authorities or someone like the social services I mentioned?

[Moriwen]

What do you do when you can't do anything?

What do you do when you know someone is a predator, and you know that they're out in the world, and you know they're working with people who could be victims, and you know you can't do anything?

What do you do when you know, but the only "proof" you have is your own memories, memories that you can't show to anyone else? What do you do when even if you could you know many people would say so what?

What do you do when you tried to do something once and got told no there was nothing to do? What do you do when you know perfectly well the answer will be the same even if you tried again?

What do I do here?

Just thinking legally here.

Long shot, but: do you have anything written dating from whenever whatever happened, happened? And I mean anything written, not things that are "proof" per se, but diary entries, emails to a friend discussing it, angsty poems about how much you hate life because of X person? These things are taken surprisingly seriously in a legal context.

Slightly less long shot: take whatever those memories are, and write them up, somewhere with a time stamp (email them to yourself, google docs, whatever). If you've already been told that there's nothing to do (by someone who knows what they're talking about; not everyone does) then you probably can't achieve anything by yourself, but if anyone else ever has a similar experience, you'll have solid evidence to back them up.

Also (and again I'm guessing, since I don't know circumstances) you may not have enough evidence for a criminal suit, but there are things in the civil side of things as well. I didn't have grounds for a restraining order, but was able to acquire a peace bond.


/notalawyer

[WarKitty]

Just thinking legally here.

Long shot, but: do you have anything written dating from whenever whatever happened, happened? And I mean anything written, not things that are "proof" per se, but diary entries, emails to a friend discussing it, angsty poems about how much you hate life because of X person? These things are taken surprisingly seriously in a legal context.

Slightly less long shot: take whatever those memories are, and write them up, somewhere with a time stamp (email them to yourself, google docs, whatever). If you've already been told that there's nothing to do (by someone who knows what they're talking about; not everyone does) then you probably can't achieve anything by yourself, but if anyone else ever has a similar experience, you'll have solid evidence to back them up.

Also (and again I'm guessing, since I don't know circumstances) you may not have enough evidence for a criminal suit, but there are things in the civil side of things as well. I didn't have grounds for a restraining order, but was able to acquire a peace bond.


/notalawyer

I've got nothing. I wasn't a writer. All that people know is that we were dating, and then I broke up with him. That's really it. Hell, we were a "cute couple" that everyone thought was wonderful and happy. There literally is no evidence of anything other than my word.

Trigger warning on spoiler:

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Nothing. Part of the trouble is that what I dealt with is not often considered *wrong*. Pushing through the silence of an overage girl, for an act that's not considered "sex," is at most treated as a very minor thing absent overt violence. An ex-girlfriend shows up and says "he touched me when I was trying to push him off"? That's not even really illegal where it happened.

[Death by DM]

I've got nothing. I wasn't a writer. All that people know is that we were dating, and then I broke up with him. That's really it. Hell, we were a "cute couple" that everyone thought was wonderful and happy. There literally is no evidence of anything other than my word.

Trigger warning on spoiler:

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Nothing. Part of the trouble is that what I dealt with is not often considered *wrong*. Pushing through the silence of an overage girl, for an act that's not considered "sex," is at most treated as a very minor thing absent overt violence. An ex-girlfriend shows up and says "he touched me when I was trying to push him off"? That's not even really illegal where it happened.

Nothing similar's EVER happened to me (The most I've had is a crush), but I feel for you.

[Skeppio]

There are some very, very good questions here.

* What is it about my behaviour that discourages these specific people from wanting to contact me?

* What am I saying or doing that is making these specific people angry?

* What can I do to start reaching out to people that I would like to see me as a friend?

I don't know. I just don't know... Every time I get upset I refuse to listen to anyone, and make them so mad they run away... and I can't reach out to new people, I never have anything in common with them and I'd just end up ruining their idea of me the moment I get upset. I can't hide it, no matter how hard I try, and then it's all over.

The problem is that, at present, you cannot answer these questions yourself. You are unable to detach yourself from them and any answer you get will be clouded by emotions like anger, self pity and self loathing. As a result, any answers you arrive at from in your own mind will not be logical and dispassionate, which are the answers you need. This why a psychiatrist can help - they have study human thought patterns and breaking established conditioning. It's not "reprogramming", "brainwashing" or "sucking out your soul and replacing it with an automaton".

I never said/thought that psychiatry was 'brainwashing' or anything of the sort. I just don't want to go back and be reliant on them and medication, plus having to go back and admit I wasted their time for two years, since I haven't improved at all.

The brain is just like any other body part - your ear, your eye or your hand. Sometimes a muscle gets sprained or a part of it works overtime to the detriment of the other bits. In your case, the parts of your brain which handle negative emotions, which are important for self preservation and awareness, are working overtime. Whether it's because of behaviour or neurotransmitters I don't know - I'm not a doctor in that respect.

The point is, it's something that can be repaired or adjusted without affecting the rest of you. It's not something that's likely to repair itself unfortunately - that's why you need to see someone that knows about stuff like this, because they'll have the tools and equipment needed to repair it.

The therapists told me this stuff too back when I was seeing them. It never felt like the pills were doing anything. In fact, I felt fine when I accidently missed a dose. And felt fine when I ended up being taken off them. It never felt like they really did much to repair my brain. :/

I....i just don't want to be alone. That's the thing that's just destroying me, knowing I'll probably never have someone to hug, kiss and care for. I'd give anything to change it, but I've tried everything available to me and not even a tiny speck of success came of it.
I'm going to die alone, it's inevitable. The sooner the better, in that case...

[Haluesen]

What do you do when you can't do anything?

What do you do when you know someone is a predator, and you know that they're out in the world, and you know they're working with people who could be victims, and you know you can't do anything?

What do you do when you know, but the only "proof" you have is your own memories, memories that you can't show to anyone else? What do you do when even if you could you know many people would say so what?

What do you do when you tried to do something once and got told no there was nothing to do? What do you do when you know perfectly well the answer will be the same even if you tried again?

What do I do here?

I'm really sorry to say this Kitty but it doesn't look like there's much that can be done. I don't know the intricacies of laws very well so I don't know if what you have to say would be enough to get some legal attention on this person, but depending on how long ago your experience was it has less and less of a chance of paying off. I'd say warn anyone you think could be in danger. If you think this person is dangerous and this could be a dangerous move...I think that could be a way to get him. Warn people who may be in trouble, make sure you are as safe and well protected as possible, and if he does try anything bad toward you or others then you have something to get the law on the person with. It's a dangerous and not altogether smart idea, but it's something.

I'm very sorry for your troubling past experiences. I know that isn't actually what I want to say or what should be said, but I can't come up with good enough words for it, something like "I hope anything like it never happens again, and hope you are safe and can be made happy", but somehow I feel more than that needs to be said. I wish you the best with the whole thing. Keep us here updated if you can, I am sure there are others here beside me who absolutely want to help however possible.

EDIT: Hey Skeppio, I'm sorry for the problems you are having lately with friends and relationships and emotions. It really sucks to go through all that stuff. If I may ask one thing though? Please don't give up. I don't know you well but you seem like an okay sort of person. For me saying that is a lot, considering how much I tend to look down on others. I think it would be horribly unfortunate to give into these terrible feelings. Everyone has a different way they have to fight their's, so I can't say much for practical help. If your doctor visits aren't helping, do you think maybe you need to see someone new? It's possible someone else may have more help for you. Heck, I'd do it myself if I had any of the required practical knowledge. I'd talk to you and try to see if there's another angle to work everything out from. But I do say keep looking. Look for another way to deal with the depression, keep looking for someone to love. There is nothing to lose in still trying I think. No matter what happens, keep going for it all. Look for more reasons to move, to live, to smile, to try. It's my philosophy that has kept me going for as long as I have. I'd like to think maybe it can help you somehow.

I'm available if you ever need to message someone. Seriously, if you need to talk go ahead. I wish you well with everything. I hope something improves for you soon.

[The Succubus]

The therapists told me this stuff too back when I was seeing them. It never felt like the pills were doing anything. In fact, I felt fine when I accidently missed a dose. And felt fine when I ended up being taken off them. It never felt like they really did much to repair my brain. :/

Did I ever tell you about the time I made my doctor actually facepalm?

A few folks know this already but I'm an epileptic. When I have a seizure, it's a full blown grand mal - I fall unconscious with arms and legs waving around everywhere. I take a small purple pill each morning and evening. When I was 24, I'd just qualified as an audiologist and I knew everything there was to know about medicine. I'd also swapped on to the medication I'm on now and it wasn't as easy to swallow as the other medication I had been on.

"Why am I even taking this?" I asked myself. "It's not doing anything for me - I haven't had a seizure in years. Hell, maybe my epilepsy has resolved itself or it was just something tied to my puberty."

So I left off the medication. 3 months passed. No seizures. 6 months passed. No seizures. 18 months passed. All fine and dandy.

I was on my to a new locum position at the local hospital and was crossing the road. Suddenly I was looking up at three guys in paramedic outfits and wondering what had happened. I looked to my left and my nose was 8 inches away from a car tyre. I had a seizure and had come within a hair's breadth of being killed.

I was sent back to my doctor and he asked if there had been any problems with my medication. "I haven't been taking it," I said, "It was doing nothing."

The doctor facepalmed at this point. "Mr <name>, did it not occur to you that you had had 8 years of "nothing" and you felt fine because you were taking your medication?"

****

The moral of this tale is that just because medication doesn't appear to be doing anything doesn't mean it isn't stopping something as well. There's no surgery that can fix my epilepsy - I have to take the pill every day to make up for the bit of my brain that can't do its job naturally. It might be that it's the same deal with you and your depression. The pill I take today prevents me from becoming roadkill a few months later. Or in your case, keeps the rain clouds at bay.

Fixing these problems can be really easy though - just call your therapist and say you need a helping hand again. Your pride is getting in the way though. Here's one last bit of demonic wisdom for you and, like the anecdote above, this one is also gleaned from first hand experience.

Pride makes a really ****ty companion and friend. It doesn't give you hugs. It's more likely to kick you when you're down. It's incredibly jealous as well, saying that you don't need anyone else or their help when you've got it. It's a crap advisor as well. When pride looks at other people, it sees them only as inferior to itself.

Pride sucks.

[Skeppio]

EDIT: Hey Skeppio, I'm sorry for the problems you are having lately with friends and relationships and emotions. It really sucks to go through all that stuff. If I may ask one thing though? Please don't give up. I don't know you well but you seem like an okay sort of person. For me saying that is a lot, considering how much I tend to look down on others. I think it would be horribly unfortunate to give into these terrible feelings. Everyone has a different way they have to fight their's, so I can't say much for practical help. If your doctor visits aren't helping, do you think maybe you need to see someone new? It's possible someone else may have more help for you. Heck, I'd do it myself if I had any of the required practical knowledge. I'd talk to you and try to see if there's another angle to work everything out from. But I do say keep looking. Look for another way to deal with the depression, keep looking for someone to love. There is nothing to lose in still trying I think. No matter what happens, keep going for it all. Look for more reasons to move, to live, to smile, to try. It's my philosophy that has kept me going for as long as I have. I'd like to think maybe it can help you somehow.

How am I an okay person? You may have only seen one tiny side to me. If you saw every side to me, you'd hate what you saw. I guarantee it.
I haven't seen the doctors in over half a year. Because by that point everything looked fine, and it seemed I was okay. I was fine. But now I'm like this all over again.
And keep looking? I have, so many times. Never found any speck of success or hope. Eventually it gets to the point that I have to think "why bother banging my head against a wall that's never going to budge?". Nothing I do will change things, so why waste time and energy on it?
I've just become....nothing. I'm nothing. I have no car and no license and I get nervous behind the wheel. I never go out or get to hang out with my old classmates or anyone. No employer will hire me or give my resume a second look. I have no talents. I'm alone. I'm weak. I'm pathetic. I'm nothing.

*snip*

Just to clarify, it was the doctor that took me off it in the end, after slowly easing me off it for weeks. I only missed a dose maybe once or twice by accident.

[RCgothic]

Skeppio, you are being overly hard on yourself.

Deppresion:

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When someone gets depressed, their judgement with regard to their self worth is impaired. It's not your fault this has happened to you. It's not your doctor's fault that the condition is recurring. It's just one of those awful things thing that happens. They didn't waste their time helping you the last time - they got you over that particular bout! - and it won't be a waste of time to help you again.

You already recognise that you're having a relapse, so go and get yourself some help. Nobody deserves depression. If you feel you do, then remember that's just the depression talking and kick its ass!

If you feel you don't have any achievements, then I'd say that sounds like a symptom rather than a cause. I personally find it very easy to fall into the trap of preferring not to try rather than to fail. If I don't try, nobody can say I'm not good enough! It's a psychological defence to protect yourself against damage to your ego. But it backfires, because in the long run it makes it hard to achieve anything.

And I was terrified to drive as well. I lived in a city full of roundabouts, and no matter how hard I tried I just could not judge other people's intentions. Are they going to leave the roundabout at the next exit, block other traffic and allow me safe entry, or are they going to continue round and slam into the side of me? I'd be paralysed with indecision, queues would form behind me until the roundabout was completely clear of all traffic for me to enter. And I could go literally nowhere without running into one of the things. It took months of practice, but one day it finally clicked and I've had no problems ever since. And being able to drive was incredibly liberating.

I don't believe for a second you can't get good at driving, you just haven't had enough practice. Don't let the possibility of failure put you off trying, with this orthe other things you want.

Friends:

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As for the trouble you seem to be having making and keeping friends, perhaps you do have something to work on. You know you have issues communicating when you're upset, and perhaps that's not something that you can easily change. What you can do is improve your communication when you're NOT upset. You should let people know in advance what you get like so that they're not surprised when it does happen. I know that revealing an unflattering side of yourself is difficult and you worry it will put people off. But it can also display an honesty and openness that people find attractive.

And then when you do have an argument with someone, if there's even the slightest chance you think you've treated that person unfairly, then you should apologise for that as soon as you've calmed down. Accept their viewpoint if they have a point, agree to disagree if you still (in a rational state of mind) feel they do not. Even if you think the other person was wholly to blame, apologising for any harsh words on your part will allow the relationship to begin to heal.

You may or may not receive an apology in turn, and I'd say that in a decent friendship you should, but it doesn't do anyone any good to hold grudges. Isolating yourself from someone because they won't apologise ultimately does you more harm than them.

As others have said, pride makes a pretty poor companion.

[WarKitty]

Skeppio: There's one thing I can say here. Where have you been on fb? I was sitting there thinking I missed you before you posted here...

[Skeppio]

I'm starting to feel a little better... I also probably forgot to mention, a part of what's made me feel so bad lately is; I was planning a possible date with someone, and they had to cancel the day before. But it may be happening in a couple weeks (she's busy with work this week and next), so hopefully things will go better this time.

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When someone gets depressed, their judgement with regard to their self worth is impaired. It's not your fault this has happened to you. It's not your doctor's fault that the condition is recurring. It's just one of those awful things thing that happens. They didn't waste their time helping you the last time - they got you over that particular bout! - and it won't be a waste of time to help you again.

You already recognise that you're having a relapse, so go and get yourself some help. Nobody deserves depression. If you feel you do, then remember that's just the depression talking and kick its ass!

I really don't want to disappoint them. They were really happy with how I progressed by the time they decided I no longer needed to keep seeing them.

If you feel you don't have any achievements, then I'd say that sounds like a symptom rather than a cause. I personally find it very easy to fall into the trap of preferring not to try rather than to fail. If I don't try, nobody can say I'm not good enough! It's a psychological defence to protect yourself against damage to your ego. But it backfires, because in the long run it makes it hard to achieve anything.

I want to achieve things, and I try, but it's disheartening when my attempts....aren't very good. I'm scared of what others will think when I show them my attempts at doing things. I don't want them to laugh or mock me or my creations. (I do a bit of vector art, more detailed than my avatars, but i'm afraid to show it off )

And I was terrified to drive as well. I lived in a city full of roundabouts, and no matter how hard I tried I just could not judge other people's intentions. Are they going to leave the roundabout at the next exit, block other traffic and allow me safe entry, or are they going to continue round and slam into the side of me? I'd be paralysed with indecision, queues would form behind me until the roundabout was completely clear of all traffic for me to enter. And I could go literally nowhere without running into one of the things. It took months of practice, but one day it finally clicked and I've had no problems ever since. And being able to drive was incredibly liberating.

I don't believe for a second you can't get good at driving, you just haven't had enough practice. Don't let the possibility of failure put you off trying, with this orthe other things you want.

I know.. I'm just scared of failing and being mocked or rejected. And as for driving, I just feel frightened behind the wheel. I wouldn't know what to do in an accident...

As for the trouble you seem to be having making and keeping friends, perhaps you do have something to work on. You know you have issues communicating when you're upset, and perhaps that's not something that you can easily change. What you can do is improve your communication when you're NOT upset. You should let people know in advance what you get like so that they're not surprised when it does happen. I know that revealing an unflattering side of yourself is difficult and you worry it will put people off. But it can also display an honesty and openness that people find attractive.

They do know...at least I hope they remember. Though I'd hope most people remember me and what I'm like when I'm not upset. It doesn't feel like many do sadly...

And then when you do have an argument with someone, if there's even the slightest chance you think you've treated that person unfairly, then you should apologise for that as soon as you've calmed down. Accept their viewpoint if they have a point, agree to disagree if you still (in a rational state of mind) feel they do not. Even if you think the other person was wholly to blame, apologising for any harsh words on your part will allow the relationship to begin to heal.

I do apologise. A lot. ._.

You may or may not receive an apology in turn, and I'd say that in a decent friendship you should, but it doesn't do anyone any good to hold grudges. Isolating yourself from someone because they won't apologise ultimately does you more harm than them.

As others have said, pride makes a pretty poor companion.

Sometimes I do. But I think a small part of them is still mad. And I don't isolate myself because they won't apologise. I isolate myself so I don't make them madder. If they forgive/apologise, then I can be sure they're not still mad.

Skeppio: There's one thing I can say here. Where have you been on fb? I was sitting there thinking I missed you before you posted here...

I've been on Facebook all day (it's now night though). I always put up a tab with Facebook when I start my computer up. o_O

[WarKitty]

I'm starting to feel a little better... I also probably forgot to mention, a part of what's made me feel so bad lately is; I was planning a possible date with someone, and they had to cancel the day before. But it may be happening in a couple weeks (she's busy with work this week and next), so hopefully things will go better this time.

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I really don't want to disappoint them. They were really happy with how I progressed by the time they decided I no longer needed to keep seeing them.



I want to achieve things, and I try, but it's disheartening when my attempts....aren't very good. I'm scared of what others will think when I show them my attempts at doing things. I don't want them to laugh or mock me or my creations. (I do a bit of vector art, more detailed than my avatars, but i'm afraid to show it off )





I know.. I'm just scared of failing and being mocked or rejected. And as for driving, I just feel frightened behind the wheel. I wouldn't know what to do in an accident...



They do know...at least I hope they remember. Though I'd hope most people remember me and what I'm like when I'm not upset. It doesn't feel like many do sadly...



I do apologise. A lot. ._.



Sometimes I do. But I think a small part of them is still mad. And I don't isolate myself because they won't apologise. I isolate myself so I don't make them madder. If they forgive/apologise, then I can be sure they're not still mad.

I've been on Facebook all day (it's now night though). I always put up a tab with Facebook when I start my computer up. o_O

Ugh my lists must be screwing up again...sometimes I have issues where they block the wrong people.

[Iruka]

I want to achieve things, and I try, but it's disheartening when my attempts....aren't very good. I'm scared of what others will think when I show them my attempts at doing things. I don't want them to laugh or mock me or my creations. (I do a bit of vector art, more detailed than my avatars, but i'm afraid to show it off )

Your avatars look great, I'm sure your other art wont be bad either. Why not open a thread in the Arts & Crafts section and show some of it?

And as for driving, I just feel frightened behind the wheel. I wouldn't know what to do in an accident...

Being frightened when driving is normal for a beginner. I was always completely sweaty and had a cramps in my back from the tension after driving lessons. It gets better.
In case of accidents: Just call the cops and let them handle it.

[Skeppio]

Your avatars look great, I'm sure your other art wont be bad either. Why not open a thread in the Arts & Crafts section and show some of it?

I actually did, for some older art I did. There was very little interest, and next to none after a few weeks, so I lost interest in it too.

[RCgothic]

Skeppio:

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I'm starting to feel a little better... I also probably forgot to mention, a part of what's made me feel so bad lately is; I was planning a possible date with someone, and they had to cancel the day before. But it may be happening in a couple weeks (she's busy with work this week and next), so hopefully things will go better this time.

That sounds joyful! I hope that goes well for you.

I really don't want to disappoint them. They were really happy with how I progressed by the time they decided I no longer needed to keep seeing them.

Not your fault, not their fault. They won't be disappointed, and it's not shameful to ask for help.

I want to achieve things, and I try, but it's disheartening when my attempts....aren't very good. I'm scared of what others will think when I show them my attempts at doing things. I don't want them to laugh or mock me or my creations. (I do a bit of vector art, more detailed than my avatars, but i'm afraid to show it off )

Your avatars are excellent! I'm sure your art is just as good!

I know.. I'm just scared of failing and being mocked or rejected. And as for driving, I just feel frightened behind the wheel. I wouldn't know what to do in an accident...

I completely understand where you're coming from with this. Failure isn't fun. But not everything ends in failure, and not everything that fails wasn't worth the effort. And really, you'll end up feeling worse for not attempting things.

Being nervous behind the wheel is just a lack of experience, it will pass eventually. Driving is really fun, and I'm certain you'd find the independence being able to drive brings self esteem building!

My experience of accidents (and these were all through inexperience and not driving sensibly - in a rush in rain; in snow; reversing round a blind corner I checked before but not during) thus far is that by the time you realise they're happening there's nothing you CAN do, and afterwards you've got plenty of time. If it helps, you can keep a checklist of what to do afterwards in the dash just in case. But really, if you drive sensibly and to the conditions driving is really very safe.

They do know...at least I hope they remember. Though I'd hope most people remember me and what I'm like when I'm not upset. It doesn't feel like many do sadly...

I do apologise. A lot. ._.

Sometimes I do. But I think a small part of them is still mad. And I don't isolate myself because they won't apologise. I isolate myself so I don't make them madder. If they forgive/apologise, then I can be sure they're not still mad.

And they probably think that you're still mad as well because you avoid them. Sometimes it's worth going on as if nothing happened, and sometimes you need to address what happened. But either way is better than avoiding someone you want to hang out with because 'they might still be mad.'

[Haluesen]

How am I an okay person? You may have only seen one tiny side to me. If you saw every side to me, you'd hate what you saw. I guarantee it.

Hmm you have a point in that I don't really know you. So I can't begin to judge you. I hate judging people anyway. I believe I do it way too much. So I don't want to seem like I'm judging you. I just feel that everyone deserves assistance when they need it. And you did keep this thread going in the first place and it has helped so many people, so that tells me at least there is a fair bit of good in you.

I haven't seen the doctors in over half a year. Because by that point everything looked fine, and it seemed I was okay. I was fine. But now I'm like this all over again.
And keep looking? I have, so many times. Never found any speck of success or hope. Eventually it gets to the point that I have to think "why bother banging my head against a wall that's never going to budge?". Nothing I do will change things, so why waste time and energy on it?

Ah I didn't know the circumstances with the doctor visits, of course. Just giving little ideas in the hope that even if they don't help, it'll allow you to consider something that would. And why bother? Because the way you're speaking it sounds like you have nothing to lose in trying. When you feel like you're at the bottom is when you have the most to gain by striving and trying harder. There's never a reason to not try. Which is easier said than done I admit, but still that's there.

I've just become....nothing. I'm nothing. I have no car and no license and I get nervous behind the wheel. I never go out or get to hang out with my old classmates or anyone. No employer will hire me or give my resume a second look. I have no talents. I'm alone. I'm weak. I'm pathetic. I'm nothing.

Now these kind of thoughts...I am familiar with. Like you said before I only know a tiny part of you from these boards. Still, allow me to say what I can of myself. I have felt this too, like nothing is worth trying, like all is hopeless, like I'm pathetic. I fight with those feelings a lot, especially lately. But I fight them anyway. What's the point in quitting? It's like a self-fulling sort of thing. Only by letting yourself feel this way will you seem pathetic. I try to go against those kind of thoughts just to spite them. Maybe you should try the same.

I'm just saying what's on my mind in the hopes that somehow it does something positive for you. Everyone deserves a positive word and a helping hand in a time of need. I think RCgothic had the best advice on the matter really. Depression just works like that. If the doctor's helped before, then it wasn't for nothing. You could go back and try again. Even if it is hard, emotionally or physically.

...Please tell me if any of this sounds preachy. I'm not trying to be and I understand that behavior annoys people sometimes.

[WarKitty]

I'm really sorry to say this Kitty but it doesn't look like there's much that can be done. I don't know the intricacies of laws very well so I don't know if what you have to say would be enough to get some legal attention on this person, but depending on how long ago your experience was it has less and less of a chance of paying off. I'd say warn anyone you think could be in danger. If you think this person is dangerous and this could be a dangerous move...I think that could be a way to get him. Warn people who may be in trouble, make sure you are as safe and well protected as possible, and if he does try anything bad toward you or others then you have something to get the law on the person with. It's a dangerous and not altogether smart idea, but it's something.

I'm very sorry for your troubling past experiences. I know that isn't actually what I want to say or what should be said, but I can't come up with good enough words for it, something like "I hope anything like it never happens again, and hope you are safe and can be made happy", but somehow I feel more than that needs to be said. I wish you the best with the whole thing. Keep us here updated if you can, I am sure there are others here beside me who absolutely want to help however possible.

Thanks. I get it...it's just, I found out he's in a uni teaching position now. I don't want someone like that to have access to a steady stream of young women. I'm hoping that uni rules about student involvement will keep something from happening...but I just don't know.

[Sholos]

I'm confused. Why are you in debt to your SO? In my mind, money you're spending on an SO should be a gift. Owing someone money is the fastest way to cool down a relationship. Now, that doesn't mean it's not good to examine spending habits and maybe adjust them, but keeping track of who owes who what seems like it would be detrimental in the long run.

As far as practical advice... I don't know. The only thing that I have going right now is a running tab on something that a friend and I split. But that started out that way and it gets settled every now and then. Most of the time I owe someone money it's small amounts and generally gets paid back "whenever".

[Grinner]

I got the impression that she's been borrowing from her SO, but I'll await her word on the matter.

@RCgothic: That's terribly frustrating. I'm sorry.

[Mauve Shirt]

How come liquid confidence is really just liquid for destroying your liver and causing depression? And where do I get real confidence?

[Grinner]

How come liquid confidence is really just liquid for destroying your liver and causing depression?

Because it feels good in the short term. Because it pulls you away from you problems.

Then, you wake up the next morning with a pounding headache and an empty bottle of vodka, and you realize you haven't actually done a damn thing. Ipso facto, depression.

And where do I get real confidence?

Do something.

[Mauve Shirt]

Do something.

If only the Playground had "like" buttons.

[The Succubus]

Background:

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We met at uni. By the time we left, we'd been living together for two years and wanted to continue to do so. I'd been there two years longer (five years) and hadn't had a gap year - I was at my overdraft's end and couldn't find a job for almost a year. My SO came out of uni with no debt, a car, and walked straight back into their gap year job.

We didn't know it was going to take me a year to find work, or that the government would cut off jobseeker's allowance because I was living with my SO and not my parents. I was reluctant to borrow from my SO, but my they argued that paying interest to a third party was pointless when they would extend credit for free, but they wouldn't fund me outright (I think that would have been worse).

There was never much question that I'd be able to pay them back - my more advanced and specialised degree meant that when I did get a job I'd be the main earner.

And that did turn out to be the case. Except for work I needed my own car, and the only people with enough credit to extend to me were my SO's parents. The idea was to clear my overdraft, pay the parents back, then pay my SO back. Clearing the overdraft went well. But then I had an accident in the snow on the way to work that meant I had to borrow again for repairs. Then my work cut back on hours to survive the recession. For a year I couldn't afford to make any repayments at all. Though we had continued to accumulate stuff, and our tiny two-room flat wasn't really suitable anymore.

So I swapped jobs in January last year. (This is 2.5 years after leaving uni, or 7.5 of having to be careful with finances.) That was a LOT more money. Enough to rent a bigger place and have hundreds left over each month. The furniture added more to my personal debt to my SO, but at the rate I'd been earning that didn't seem like an issue.

Except that my SO got an amazing job offer that required they live mostly somewhere else for a year, and responsibility for most of the rent fell to me whilst they were away. Wham, just like that, my buffer is wiped out. No repayments possible. By this point, my SO's parents were getting impatient about the money they were owed, and I didn't blame them! I'd never expected it to take this long to pay them back! My new job didn't require a car, and I couldn't afford to keep it. When I sold it, the money I got barely covered what I owed them - my debt to my SO remained. And I really, really miss my car.

So earlier this year when my SO moved back I thought I'd finally be able to start making some progress. It's utterly gutting to find out that nine years after becoming financially independent I'm so much further away than I thought.

There is one ray of light though. Now that I'm reliably outside my overdraft at the end of each month (if only barely), we're finally getting a joint account together. We'll each pay in the same amount, and take any joint expenses from there. That means I can't possibly have the same unwelcome surprise that my SO has been spending more on joint stuff than me in future.

TL:DR - We lived at uni together, but I'd been there longer and was broke, my SO wasn't. Every time I got an income there were setbacks.

For what it's worth, you've taken a really sensible approach with your finances, I think. You're budgeting well, borrowing only what's really essential and paying back at the earliest chance you get. It's disheartening that it hasn't gone quite as well as you've hoped but critically, your finances are under your control. That's quite an achievement in itself when every other advert on the TV is for payday loans and credit cards are a dime a dozen. Stick to your guns, stick to your plan and you will get there.

If only the Playground had "like" buttons.

Being honest, I'm actually really surprised you're having confidence issues Mauve. When I met you last year, you came across as being very level headed and calm, without being overly bold or anything. Is it something specific that's got you a little rattled or is it more of a general thing?

[Skeppio]

Hmm you have a point in that I don't really know you. So I can't begin to judge you. I hate judging people anyway. I believe I do it way too much. So I don't want to seem like I'm judging you. I just feel that everyone deserves assistance when they need it. And you did keep this thread going in the first place and it has helped so many people, so that tells me at least there is a fair bit of good in you.

Well, I didn't start the thread initially, but I did put up this edition. Thanks for noticing.

Ah I didn't know the circumstances with the doctor visits, of course. Just giving little ideas in the hope that even if they don't help, it'll allow you to consider something that would. And why bother? Because the way you're speaking it sounds like you have nothing to lose in trying. When you feel like you're at the bottom is when you have the most to gain by striving and trying harder. There's never a reason to not try. Which is easier said than done I admit, but still that's there.

You're right. I keep thinking that no matter how low I feel, there's always something else I can lose. Usually more pride/dignity. I'm really self-conscious and scared of what others may think of me. Showing my art to people, talking about personal stuff, going to a doctor, i get scared that they're judging me.

Now these kind of thoughts...I am familiar with. Like you said before I only know a tiny part of you from these boards. Still, allow me to say what I can of myself. I have felt this too, like nothing is worth trying, like all is hopeless, like I'm pathetic. I fight with those feelings a lot, especially lately. But I fight them anyway. What's the point in quitting? It's like a self-fulling sort of thing. Only by letting yourself feel this way will you seem pathetic. I try to go against those kind of thoughts just to spite them. Maybe you should try the same.

I'm just saying what's on my mind in the hopes that somehow it does something positive for you. Everyone deserves a positive word and a helping hand in a time of need. I think RCgothic had the best advice on the matter really. Depression just works like that. If the doctor's helped before, then it wasn't for nothing. You could go back and try again. Even if it is hard, emotionally or physically.

...Please tell me if any of this sounds preachy. I'm not trying to be and I understand that behavior annoys people sometimes.

Makes sense. And it's not preachy. It's fine.

Sorry if there's not much to say. I agree with what you're saying, I just can't think of anything relevant and helpful to add. :s

[MetDitto]

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so last night I hurt myself a lot but wimped out on the actual suicide part, I wish it was easier

[The Succubus]

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so last night I hurt myself a lot but wimped out on the actual suicide part, I wish it was easier

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What is it in life that you are so tired of that you want it to stop? Because there has to be better alternatives than this. I've only known you for a short time but things seemed to be looking up for you - your family was starting to accept you and you seemed happy a few days ago?

What changed?

How can we change it back for you?

[RCgothic]

Ditto, nobody likes to hear that.* Please get some help, even if that requires going to A&E. It is an emergency when you feel this low. *hugs*

*By which I mean it's awful you feel that way, not that we don't want to know.

[Haluesen]

Thanks. I get it...it's just, I found out he's in a uni teaching position now. I don't want someone like that to have access to a steady stream of young women. I'm hoping that uni rules about student involvement will keep something from happening...but I just don't know.

That's kinda a scary predicament. Hmm...I'm hoping that too, but you're right. There's no way to know. And normally telling someone in authority honestly would be the best idea. But here I'm not sure how much you could sway someone into taking action, depending on how long it's been. I guess all you can do is hope for the best. I guess if you see him with another girl maybe try to warn her, if possible.

Well, I didn't start the thread initially, but I did put up this edition. Thanks for noticing.



You're right. I keep thinking that no matter how low I feel, there's always something else I can lose. Usually more pride/dignity. I'm really self-conscious and scared of what others may think of me. Showing my art to people, talking about personal stuff, going to a doctor, i get scared that they're judging me.



Makes sense. And it's not preachy. It's fine.

Sorry if there's not much to say. I agree with what you're saying, I just can't think of anything relevant and helpful to add. :s

I did definitely notice. And it's a good thing, keeping it going. I know coming here has helped me with my troubles, doubts, and sadness. So you have done a good thing.

Yeah, that's definitely not a good thing, I know that being judged can suck. So I try not to be that way toward people. Of course that tends to backfire, since I can't look at someone's work and give any criticism or insight beyond "it's good" without worrying about being judgmental. That's a minor example but it gets my point across.

Okay thanks. I guess that means I'm doing some good. And don't worry about it, it's hard to keep conversations going after a while sometimes. Are you feeling any better at all?

[theangelJean]

You're right. I keep thinking that no matter how low I feel, there's always something else I can lose. Usually more pride/dignity. I'm really self-conscious and scared of what others may think of me. Showing my art to people, talking about personal stuff, going to a doctor, i get scared that they're judging me.

Here's the thing: Being afraid of people judging you is normal, sure. People worry about what others think of them, and some care more than others. But that doesn't mean people will actually judge you. They may even think good things about you for what you've done. And even if they do think of you negatively, it may not actually make any difference to you. It's certainly not the end of the world, although it might feel like it at the moment.

As an example: getting professional help. A counsellor is trained to decide whether someone is well, or unwell, and that's a judgement call, but it's not a value judgement - they know better than most that just because someone is unwell, that doesn't make them a bad person. All therapists see many people who are unwell. They are probably the least likely of anyone in the world to be disappointed to find out that you are unwell again, and coming back to them for help - and not just because getting help is such a positive step, but because they literally see it all the time. (Relapses are common.) Your previous therapist knows that you are capable of feeling better - but their focus will be on helping you to feel that way again, not any kind of negative judgement for being in the difficult place you're in.

I honestly know the feeling of disappointment you are going through yourself - I've had those thoughts: "I was better, why am I worse now? Again?" And it's difficult to push past the fear of taking action. But the fear of being judged is part of your brain being focussed on the worst case scenario, not something that will actually happen. And only action is going to make things better.