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  1. - Top - End - #121
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Pyromancer999's Avatar

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    see it as an opportunity to get over at least some of that terror that stops you from interacting.. and throw yourself in at the deep end
    when it's swim or drown, you might just find out that swimming ..or at least floating, isn't so hard after all.
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    That's what my parents have told me, albeit in the form of "I don't give a f***, man up and get over it." I've been in situations like that before, and it has never, ever been good.
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  2. - Top - End - #122
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Been a bit physically sick for the past two days now, thinking that it may even be stemming from my severe depression. :/ Can't even sleep tonight even though it's past 5am here, only because I know that I'll have nightmares that never end lately.. And that people will get up me for staying up so late and waking up in the late afternoon and will just say 'well you shouldn't've stayed up so late then! *angry glare*', even though I've told them I can't sleep at night, because then the nightmares are worse.. It seems that going to bed with a slightly lit up sky and cuddling my toy wolf {Wolfie, as I've named him} and my spare pillow helps, slightly. Even though sometimes I feel so alone that Wolfie just isn't enough..

    Moving out in 12 days though, which is a bonus. It's funny.. My old main reason for wanting to move out was privacy (don't even get my own room where I live now {with Elemental, he's a mate}). But now, it's just because people won't get up me for staying up late, even though here right now, I am quieter than I am when people are awake, which still isn't very loud.. I've asked about this, and Ele's Mum just says that it's because of the power bill of having lights+computer on.. Even though logically, she could realise {and I've told her this} that I'm still sleeping for the same amount each day, in which time I'm not using more power, therefore I'm only using approximately the same amount per day. /sigh

    This is kind of more a vent to me because I know you guys care.. Think I might try and sleep, or at least lie in bed until the sun starts rising. Thanks for reading.. :)
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  3. - Top - End - #123
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    So, things are looking both up and down.

    On the up side, after two suicide attempts and spending an entire third of April in a locked psych ward between them, several medication changes and setbacks, the current most recent medication seems to be working pretty damn well and I'm actually almost functioning again.

    On the down side... Hoo boy.

    - My hours at work just got cut from working five days a week to working three, for a completely BS reason of them 'having a lot of problems' with me being late. (Rarely, and usually by a couple of minutes, and oh yeah I've been screwed up from all the medication changes, so sorry, oh by the way, there's several late more often than I am for less good reasons) What it really is: The absences from being in the hospital. But they can't say that or I can lawsuit them. Jerks.
    - This is a problem because I already didn't make enough to live on my own on. Now I'm going to making about $400 a month less. Even better:
    - I have to move soon. Very soon. I don't know where too, by the way. I live with my mother currently, who I don't get along with and doesn't want me around. She's about to move to Florida in a few months and very much does not want me to go with her, nor do I really want to go with her. My dad cannot take me, she can't afford to.
    - I have no savings because herpderp poor. I don't have anyone whose couch I can crash on, no relatives other than my parents, and nowhere to go. This city is dead and I hate it anyway. It's horrid for my allergies, the weather is terrible, and the south is hostile to my kind. (Let's see, I'm trans, bi, pagan... Yeeeah.)
    - I'm not getting enough now to even split rent with someone here, even assuming I could find a tolerable roommate.
    - Mom has to be out of this apartment by the 15th of August.

    Currently, I plan to try to sell... Nearly everything I own, in hopes of raising enough money to go somewhere else. I'm thinking Seattle, I've been there before and loved it and it's a bigger city in a more liberal state. This is assuming my mother lets me keep the car. I think she will at this point, because she's that eager to get rid of me, but.

    So it looks right now like by the end of August I'm going to be homeless, obviously without a job since if I go somewhere else I'll have to quit my job here, and I'm a little terrified. Especially since I just now got vaguely stable and it's going to be hard to get my medications now. :| (It's 55 bucks every month I go see the psych, which is a stretch for me right now, and if I move I'll have to try to find one.)

    Even if I stay here and somehow get a better job that pays enough to rent an apartment in the slums, nobody would rent to me because my credit is trashed. So I'd pretty much be homeless regardless, so it's like... Screw this, go be homeless somewhere I can actually stand, you know? Especially since this city doesn't seem to have much in the way of homeless shelters anyway.

    I just... Really don't know what to do, and it scares the crap out of me.
    Last edited by Nai_Calus; 2012-05-29 at 01:43 AM.
    Every time you spell Corellon wrong, Gruumsh gets excited and kills a kitten. Please, think of the kittens.
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  4. - Top - End - #124
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    So... I felt like I wanted to share what's going on with me...

    My first year of college is winding down. And looking back on the year... I feel really disappointed and frustrated at how it's gone. Objectively, everything's fine. Classes are going well, not as well as high school, but I'm maintaining a B average. I'm balancing studying and social life quite well. And best of all, I have found a group of friends who share my life's purpose, and who care for me, and whom I can (and do) turn to at any time.

    But I just feel incomplete, like something crucial to me is missing. I think in a large part, it's that for a long time, I've felt unable to really care about things, people, life. Through high school, I've been learning to care about other people, appreciate the joys of life, have hope in the future. It gave me joy like you wouldn't believe, and I based my identity on that. And now, I feel like that's all been taken away. I know and recognize that there are people who love me, and plenty of reason to have hope that things will be better. But I just can't feel it. In the beginning of the year I was terrified and depressed, but I still had hope in the future and love for my friends. But more and more as the year progressed, I've been stuck feeling apathetic and cynical, and that's just not me. I can still function quite normally. I can still enjoy life, take time out to hang out with my friends, come to the Playground, and distract myself from thinking about it. But looking back on the year, it's all blurred together, without that passion for life that keeps me going. And I don't know what the problem is, or how I can fix it.

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  5. - Top - End - #125
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Blue Ghost, I think you should take this summer to think about why this happened and possibly recuperate and recharge.

  6. - Top - End - #126
    Ettin in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    You aren't alone in that feeling Blue.

    -Hugs-

    I wish I could be of more help.
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  7. - Top - End - #127
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
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    smile Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Nai Calus:
    What you describe is indeed terrifying. I think it's impressive that you are considering turning a dilemma into an adventure by looking into places you would love to live. And I can personally recommend Seattle. If you've not spent much time there, may I recommend looking at community blogs (The West Seattle Blog is pretty awesome) to get an idea of what the neighborhoods are like before you schlepp across country to live there.

    You can also check out jobs listings in cities you are considering. No reason to go there and have no income or place to live.

    Blue,

    I've been thinking about you a lot .

    Sometimes the stress of a big change (you know, like leaving home to go to college for the first time) makes a person feel depressed for a while. And sometimes the aftermath of depression leaves one feeling sort of apathetic and disconnected. This seems to be what happened to you.

    Of course, knowing that does not make the problem go away. But I want you to know about this because it *might* mean you are getting close to an upswing. Hang in there.

    Meanwhile, keep doing all the things you are doing, even if it feels a little "automatic" for now. It will feel more real soon.

    Also, I don't recall if you are "seeing anyone" for your depression. You do need someone to talk to about this regularly, because with you it seems to be a recurring situation.

    I like Coffee's suggestion. What are your summer plans?

    Also, for what it is worth, you have accomplished a great deal this year, and I am proud of you.


    *hugs*

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  8. - Top - End - #128
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Nai_Calus View Post
    *snip*
    I don't have much advice to give, but *hugs, all of them*.

    No relatives, friends anywhere you can stay with until you get things a bit more in shape again?

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  9. - Top - End - #129
    Ogre in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    And on top of the potential homelessness I mentioned last night, my latest attempt to try to show someone that I'm not mad at them and want them to stop keeping their distance seems to have backfired and annoyed them instead. Sigh. It's something I really should just give up on, it's not worth it and he's not willing to reconcile things or change his mind about anything. I've been told by several people that his hang-ups aren't my problem, but I still feel guilty and like I drove him away. I've tried so hard to fix this, but it just seems to keep getting worse.

    @MonkeyBusiness

    I plan to, but the reality of the situation is that I'm not exactly going to be able to get a job in another state without being there to interview for it, and I have no savings and no resources. Same with a place to live. Need to have money first. Not likely to have it. It's awkward. (I'd be homeless here too with my current job, I didn't make enough with it to live on my own or even with a roommate *before* my hours got cut. Probably lose it pretty quickly, too, it's on the outskirts and all the homeless shelters are downtown, what few there are. Couldn't afford the gas, wouldn't be able to afford food and all the free food options are downtown and during the hours I'd be working, derp. Pretty much no matter what happens or where I go, I'm going to have to try to claw my way up from rock bottom.

    @Astrella

    Nope, there isn't anyone I can go to. Mom doesn't want me and doesn't care. (That's a seperate rant, but dear lord does she not care.) Dad can't afford to take me and lives in an area with a job market that's even worse than normal. That's pretty much the extent of my relatives. Most of the people I know here still live with *their* parents, and it's not like I'd be able to get off their couch quickly even if they could take me for a bit.

    It's kind of terrifying. Combine that with the sad created by the problems with that one guy, and it's not a good week at all.
    Last edited by Nai_Calus; 2012-05-30 at 07:08 AM.
    Every time you spell Corellon wrong, Gruumsh gets excited and kills a kitten. Please, think of the kittens.
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    RIP Eltain Sharma, Chosen of Corellon, and Frank, his faithful Celestial Pegamule. May you find the peace you sought.

  10. - Top - End - #130
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Posting this on behalf of a friend, who wishes to remain anonymous. Hope someone here can help.

    So, um. Basically, life is depressing. Doing things does not seem point-ful often, and that combined with a lack of any real ability at anything actually hard (ability that can be replaced by "insert question in Wolfram Alpha, eat bacon, push button" is not counted because it has little value...) leads to a sad self.
    I basically end up feeling depressed whenever I'm not, at least somewhat, in another world... I'm sure everyone actually here knows what I mean by that... books, games, etc...
    (Doesn't help that I'm basically utterly unable to get into PbPs, and my D&D players have an attendance record lower than most lectures at the university I am at, which leads to, well, a lack of sessions even when I'm the DM.)
    And even just talking to people, even online, has led to bad things...
    I have gotten a response of "stop sending that, and leave me the bloody hell alone" for sending "Hello? (And if you're there, sorry if I offended you last time we spoke.)". A grand total of twice. More than a month after the previous thing. With eight days between the two messages... Yeah, I'm incapable of anything resembling social interaction.
    Beyond that...
    Oh, family.
    Mother, who happens to be only surviving parent, is inflexible, expects me home on weekends (from university), and has even literally said "you have big problems", because apparently it's a big problem to not follow her arbitrary restrictions that just stop me from getting any enjoyment out of what I can try to in this world....
    Yeah.
    Even in gaming...
    I would go on a MUD, maybe get back to the whole "pretending to be a mage" thing, but I've been offline for too long, I'm worried I'll get in trouble IC for not being there when I'm clearly supposed to actually be involved in the mage's guild's activities... Do not want to log in and find myself guildless. That would be bad.
    Counseling isn't really an option because outside of university it for practical reasons can't happen (lack of funds, combined with mother being unwilling to let me do anything on my own really, where either one would cause that problem...), and at university even their counseling services have delays that from what I know are reasonably likely to end up with an appointment in a co-op term, which helps absolutely nobody.
    ...so...
    Now what, if none of this works?
    Apparently, now I hope someone out there can help me.

    Blue Ghost, Lawful Good generalist wizard, at your service.
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  11. - Top - End - #131
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    New personal low yesterday.

    Had planned to join some friends on an organised naked bike ride around York. Every single one of my friends cancelled in the week, the last one cancelled once I'd already rented a bike and arrived at the event.

    I struggled with whether I should even continue and decided that I'd not let the absence of all my friends stop me.

    I stripped off, got on the bike and started to ride with the group.

    Somehow I was really terrible at riding the bike and this surprised me. I remember being good at it.

    I fell off after a few turns into a patch of stinging nettles.

    The police escort told me that I had to keep up with the group or get dressed and go home. I couldn't keep up.

    Plus everyone at work heard that I was doing it when I told someone I thought I could trust with my plans... and it turned out I was wrong.

    So I'm going to be the butt of all the jokes when I get back to work on Wednesday and have to tell this sorry little tale.

    I'm so pissed off that I couldn't do it. I don't think there is a worse humiliation. And my friends never even see me these days... My emotional state is in some seriously dangerous territory. The stings I'm still feeling on my body have not let me forget it either.

    This was supposed to be a highlight of my year. I'm taking it really badly.
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  12. - Top - End - #132
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    So, overheard mom on the phone tonight. Complaining about how terrible I am to one of her friends, again. From the sounds of it, I'm definitely going to not have a place to live, and as soon as mid-August. Joy.

    Oh, and the guy I mentioned having problems with? Turns out the latest reason for avoiding/ignoring contact with me was that he's now gone from 'not wanting to hurt me' to apparently thinking my attempts to reconcile and suggest utterly innocent things like 'Hey, let's meet up at Gen Con and get a drink or something' were because I had some kind of crush on him and was trying to come on to him. I give internet hugs all the time and 'let's hang out' is a friggin' normal thing to do. :| OK, I've commented a couple of times that he's kind of attractive, but I've done that with other people too, and it's not meant as 'I want to jump your bones'. Gah. He's married, I know this, I know HE knows I know this, he's not my type, I'm definitely not his type given that he's a straight male... Urgh. Oh, the kicker? The day after he told me he'd been keeping his distance and avoiding me, finally, after I'd gotten to the point where I was frustrated enough to ask why, because of things like 'Let's go get a drink'? And ignoring/brushing off all my suggestions of meeting up to game/hang out/whatever at Gen Con? I saw where a couple weeks back he'd invited people to do exactly those sorts of things at the con if they were going. Just... What. How do I even react to that?

    Even if he were single and we were each other's types, he's still the guy who kicked me out of a PbP game I'd been in for nearly two years without any warning or discussion. I hadn't even had any idea or indication that anything was wrong. Then all of a sudden, wham. I'm not going to pursue a romantic involvement with someone who does that sort of thing to me, even if he were otherwise boyfriend material, which he's so not.

    Just... Gah. I don't even know what to think anymore.

    I just wanted to try to fix things between us and go back to being sort of friends again. Now I don't think I actually can fix them. He's just not willing, and if he interprets my attempts that badly... I mean, OK, he phrased it as concern for me and not wanting to lead me on or anything, but Corellon's sacred blood, just that he thought that was what it was...

    I just feel so broken.
    Every time you spell Corellon wrong, Gruumsh gets excited and kills a kitten. Please, think of the kittens.
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    RIP Eltain Sharma, Chosen of Corellon, and Frank, his faithful Celestial Pegamule. May you find the peace you sought.

  13. - Top - End - #133
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    smile Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Nai:

    I'm going to give you two very concrete replies here.

    First, while I get how sad it is when a friendship changes, this friendship has changed. It has changed because, evidently, your friend has a problem with accepting you. While this is hurtful, this is not your problem to fix. The friendship has died, for reasons that are not your fault. You do have my sincere condolences, but I advise you to bury it before it starts to stink.

    Letting this go will let you focus on what is really important here: getting more income and a place to live before August. If I faced this very stressful situatuion, I'd keep my current job, but apply for an additional job during hours others find less attractive, such as weekends. You can make a ton of money on weekends.

    May I particularly recommend applying for a job at Starbucks? My reasonsfor this are:
    1. You mentioned wanting to move to Seattle one day, and I believe transferring is possible.
    2. They will train you.
    3. If you stay longer than the summer, they will train you for higher-paying work such as a manager position.
    4. Even if pulling shots and foaming milk is not your job choice, lots of things you do at Starbucks look good on a resume.

    Check out the local library and see if they have any free classes on how to build a resume.

    Good luck.




    Totally Guy:

    Let me say how impressed I am that you did that ride at all, much less nekkid. I'm sorry it was a let down. When you imagine things will be one way, and they go drastically another, it is always a huge disappointment.

    My advice is to find another fun goal soon. Making new plans is the best way to overcome disappointment. Meanwhile, as a person whose planned adventures have often gone awry, I can assure you that this story will, in time, feel less humiliating and will miraculously become ... funny.

    At work, you are not obliged to retell the story. But if someone asks, you might be gracious enough to say this:

    "I went because I promised my friends I would, and I always try to keep my word. But it was a more challenging bike ride than I expected. I decided to stop early. But at least I know now I kept my word, even when it is difficult for me to do so."




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  14. - Top - End - #134
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    After a day of darkness, ice-cream, brotherly advice and a takeaway curry I'm feeling a lot better about it.

    And it is kind of funny. The nettle stings are more subtle now.

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    Last edited by Totally Guy; 2012-06-03 at 02:33 PM.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    I'm really impressed you tried it at all, too, Guy. Not many would. And lesson learned: brush up on your riding skills before you go on a long ride, if it's been a while. I had to learn to ride a bike like 4 times, because I didn't do it often enough to keep up the skill. "Like riding a bicycle" is a little misleading, I reckon...

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    if it's any consolation, I've never learned to do the "look mum, no hands!" thing..every time I let go of the handlebars, I have exactly half a second to grab them again or land on my face...also, bike-saddles don't agree with my tuchus. and the last 2 times I tried riding a bike, I parked them somewhere in town (this was in Cambridge) and came back to find them with a flat tire..so I've given up on bikes in general.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blue Ghost View Post
    Posting this on behalf of a friend, who wishes to remain anonymous. Hope someone here can help.
    Well, to your friend, I would say:

    What helps me when I get into depressed moods, is thinking about the things that make me happy, or that I enjoy. Especially the things than can be done/experienced alone. Then I go do them.

    You can't do it all the time, but sometimes one day is all it takes to relieve the burden of a multitude of trials over the course of a rough couple weeks. Make a habit of doing these "de-loads". A don't skip out on them due to other obligations. You have to give to yourself sometimes, and there is nothing wrong with that.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Totally guy: That was kind of a rough experience. But my advice to you is to try and own the story! If someone asks you to tell it, you could be "that guy" who goes "Ehh, I'd really rather not...", or you can be the guy with a hilarious story to tell.

    "...And all my friends ditched me! Can you believe it? But I said I was going to do this, and I'll be damned if I'm going to chicken out like they did. So anyway, there I was, completely naked in front of total strangers - and let me tell you, the cold weather wasn't doing me any favors - holding a bike, feeling more ridiculous than I have ever felt... and it wasn't that bad actually! Well, until I actually got on the bike. You know that saying about how you never forget how to ride a bicycle? Apparently, it doesn't apply if you're naked! So there I am, wobbling all over the place..."

    Well, you get the idea. A little self-deprecation and humour can go a long way in dealing with this sort of embarrassment. If you treat it like it isn't a big deal, then it won't be. You might even make some new friends!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marillion View Post
    Totally guy: That was kind of a rough experience. But my advice to you is to try and own the story!
    this absolutely.
    if anyone else gets hold of it, you're going to look dumb in it..you be the one to tell it, and you can make whatever you like of it..a tale of heroism or a comedy skit...you'll gain points either way
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    At this point I'm much more concerned with my friends never being there for me. I'm supposed to be going on a day trip tomorrow and my friend is not able to be contacted. I feel like I am putting all the effort yet again and it's not valued whatsoever.

    They promise to spend time with me and I build it up in my head thinking about how much I want to spend time with them. They then don't follow through with those promises. But there's always an external factor.

    I make promises. Put in all of the work. Then I fulfil them. There's no uncertainty. Nothing ever stops me. Maybe if I failed to fulfil my promises then they would build me up and respect me in their heads.

    Of course I messed up for all these years by trying to make the work look effortless. This makes all the work hide under a rug where I can't claim any respect for doing it.


    When it comes to telling the tale I can probably do that well enough. I do it naturally and regularly. When I wrote the earlier post I felt like I was the joke.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Crow View Post
    Well, to your friend, I would say:

    What helps me when I get into depressed moods, is thinking about the things that make me happy, or that I enjoy. Especially the things than can be done/experienced alone. Then I go do them.

    You can't do it all the time, but sometimes one day is all it takes to relieve the burden of a multitude of trials over the course of a rough couple weeks. Make a habit of doing these "de-loads". A don't skip out on them due to other obligations. You have to give to yourself sometimes, and there is nothing wrong with that.
    I just want to second this. I know that for me, I need the 'de-stress' (as I usually call them) activities fairly often to keep up with the stress of grad school. I'm fortunate enough to have found that soccer is the best for me, followed by other physical activity (racquetball, going to the gym, etc), and spending the evening (or at least an hour or 2) doing nothing more complicated than video games are the best for me.

    Advice to your friend being: work on finding a few things that can help, even if just a little bit, and then do everything possible to make time for those. If you (generic you) do 3-4 things a week, and vary 1 of them, you'll eventually find some very good options. It's worth the effort to find those things. For everyone, really, not just if you're feeling down.
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    Ugh... this is basically my worst flaw as a person.

    I'm fairly smart in the areas that I'm smart in (the areas that I'm not interested in, like biology and chemistry, aren't usually useful to a mechanical engineer anyways; and the areas like GE humanities or social sciences are easy) so through high school I never had to study very much, never had to group study (didn't have very many friends to study with anyway since my small group tended to be in different classes or grades), and still got As and a few Bs.

    Now that I'm in college, and with the addition of working on your own rather than daily classes and required homework, I actually need to make myself study. It's not working. I get Cs and a few Bs, which is enough that I've never failed a class but last quarter I got a D (my second in two years) and that was enough to tip me into academic probation this quarter.

    I'm only taking 11 units instead of the usual ~15 because the fourth class I wanted didn't have any more seats, and I thought (on my advisor's recommendation) that I could go easy this quarter, get some As, pick up my GPA, etc. Well it doesn't work. I barely even go to my lectures anymore. Seems a lot of effort to drag myself out of the apartment for about 1-2 hours of lecture every day, when I don't even understand what the teacher is saying (there's a catch-22 here). I've also never gone to a professor's or TA's office hours.

    That's not even the main issue, although it's certainly worrying.

    So I actually know quite a few other people, including my own apartmentmates, taking the same prereq classes as me. For example, and by some amazing coincidence that's exceptional even for us, a good 8 or so of us are all in the same math class this quarter. They get together for study groups all the time and work on the homework together.

    But I don't. Because the final is next Monday but I haven't even touched my math textbook since the midterm almost five weeks ago. Here's the flaw: I get really self-consious and embarassed about myself. They're keeping track of which homeworks they're on and they're around ch 4 or 5 while I probably have to go back and review 1 through 2.5 since I haven't looked at it for so long. (Final is up to ch 7.)

    They're studying at a friend's house right now and before my aptmates left they invited me to join them, and I said sure, and I'm still sitting here all self-consious and not really wanting to go at all. At all.

    They're nice people. I don't think they'd mind. (Would they?) I doubt they'd mind. I think they'd mind much more if they all passed and I failed and they ask "why didn't you study with us??" and I had nothing to answer. I can't fail. I'm on academic probation. (Btw, two consecutive quarters on academic probation get you dismissed from school.) I don't know why that hasn't hit me yet. I haven't told it to anyone besides myself.

    I'm even friends with a math grad student who's freely offered math tutoring and who lives about a block from my apartment and I've never gone to him for tutoring either.

    fml. I guess I'll head over now and let whatever happens happen.

    tl;dr I'm effing up my life and I don't know how to stop

    (Math is currently my worst subject; at least physics makes sense, even if I can't do it.)

    i'm stalling
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  23. - Top - End - #143
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Ceric View Post
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    Ugh... this is basically my worst flaw as a person.

    I'm fairly smart in the areas that I'm smart in (the areas that I'm not interested in, like biology and chemistry, aren't usually useful to a mechanical engineer anyways; and the areas like GE humanities or social sciences are easy) so through high school I never had to study very much, never had to group study (didn't have very many friends to study with anyway since my small group tended to be in different classes or grades), and still got As and a few Bs.

    Now that I'm in college, and with the addition of working on your own rather than daily classes and required homework, I actually need to make myself study. It's not working. I get Cs and a few Bs, which is enough that I've never failed a class but last quarter I got a D (my second in two years) and that was enough to tip me into academic probation this quarter.

    I'm only taking 11 units instead of the usual ~15 because the fourth class I wanted didn't have any more seats, and I thought (on my advisor's recommendation) that I could go easy this quarter, get some As, pick up my GPA, etc. Well it doesn't work. I barely even go to my lectures anymore. Seems a lot of effort to drag myself out of the apartment for about 1-2 hours of lecture every day, when I don't even understand what the teacher is saying (there's a catch-22 here). I've also never gone to a professor's or TA's office hours.

    That's not even the main issue, although it's certainly worrying.

    So I actually know quite a few other people, including my own apartmentmates, taking the same prereq classes as me. For example, and by some amazing coincidence that's exceptional even for us, a good 8 or so of us are all in the same math class this quarter. They get together for study groups all the time and work on the homework together.

    But I don't. Because the final is next Monday but I haven't even touched my math textbook since the midterm almost five weeks ago. Here's the flaw: I get really self-consious and embarassed about myself. They're keeping track of which homeworks they're on and they're around ch 4 or 5 while I probably have to go back and review 1 through 2.5 since I haven't looked at it for so long. (Final is up to ch 7.)

    They're studying at a friend's house right now and before my aptmates left they invited me to join them, and I said sure, and I'm still sitting here all self-consious and not really wanting to go at all. At all.

    They're nice people. I don't think they'd mind. (Would they?) I doubt they'd mind. I think they'd mind much more if they all passed and I failed and they ask "why didn't you study with us??" and I had nothing to answer. I can't fail. I'm on academic probation. (Btw, two consecutive quarters on academic probation get you dismissed from school.) I don't know why that hasn't hit me yet. I haven't told it to anyone besides myself.

    I'm even friends with a math grad student who's freely offered math tutoring and who lives about a block from my apartment and I've never gone to him for tutoring either.

    fml. I guess I'll head over now and let whatever happens happen.

    tl;dr I'm effing up my life and I don't know how to stop

    (Math is currently my worst subject; at least physics makes sense, even if I can't do it.)

    i'm stalling
    Go. Do it. Now.

    Asking for help when you need it most can be very difficult. Admitting that you're struggling to cope even more so. But once you take that first step, it will become much easier.

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  24. - Top - End - #144
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Ceric View Post
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    Ugh... this is basically my worst flaw as a person.

    I'm fairly smart in the areas that I'm smart in (the areas that I'm not interested in, like biology and chemistry, aren't usually useful to a mechanical engineer anyways; and the areas like GE humanities or social sciences are easy) so through high school I never had to study very much, never had to group study (didn't have very many friends to study with anyway since my small group tended to be in different classes or grades), and still got As and a few Bs.

    Now that I'm in college, and with the addition of working on your own rather than daily classes and required homework, I actually need to make myself study. It's not working. I get Cs and a few Bs, which is enough that I've never failed a class but last quarter I got a D (my second in two years) and that was enough to tip me into academic probation this quarter.

    I'm only taking 11 units instead of the usual ~15 because the fourth class I wanted didn't have any more seats, and I thought (on my advisor's recommendation) that I could go easy this quarter, get some As, pick up my GPA, etc. Well it doesn't work. I barely even go to my lectures anymore. Seems a lot of effort to drag myself out of the apartment for about 1-2 hours of lecture every day, when I don't even understand what the teacher is saying (there's a catch-22 here). I've also never gone to a professor's or TA's office hours.

    That's not even the main issue, although it's certainly worrying.

    So I actually know quite a few other people, including my own apartmentmates, taking the same prereq classes as me. For example, and by some amazing coincidence that's exceptional even for us, a good 8 or so of us are all in the same math class this quarter. They get together for study groups all the time and work on the homework together.

    But I don't. Because the final is next Monday but I haven't even touched my math textbook since the midterm almost five weeks ago. Here's the flaw: I get really self-consious and embarassed about myself. They're keeping track of which homeworks they're on and they're around ch 4 or 5 while I probably have to go back and review 1 through 2.5 since I haven't looked at it for so long. (Final is up to ch 7.)

    They're studying at a friend's house right now and before my aptmates left they invited me to join them, and I said sure, and I'm still sitting here all self-consious and not really wanting to go at all. At all.

    They're nice people. I don't think they'd mind. (Would they?) I doubt they'd mind. I think they'd mind much more if they all passed and I failed and they ask "why didn't you study with us??" and I had nothing to answer. I can't fail. I'm on academic probation. (Btw, two consecutive quarters on academic probation get you dismissed from school.) I don't know why that hasn't hit me yet. I haven't told it to anyone besides myself.

    I'm even friends with a math grad student who's freely offered math tutoring and who lives about a block from my apartment and I've never gone to him for tutoring either.

    fml. I guess I'll head over now and let whatever happens happen.

    tl;dr I'm effing up my life and I don't know how to stop

    (Math is currently my worst subject; at least physics makes sense, even if I can't do it.)

    i'm stalling
    *hugs tight*

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    I know...a lot how that feels, because I do the same thing. A lot. I spent...most of my college career on academic probation for the exact same reason. =\

    I...really have no idea how to get out of that, sorry. I'm kinda...doing the same thing myself this semester, and it makes me hate myself a lot. It's been ages since I've taken a Physics or Math course, and I don't know what courses you're taking, but...if there's anything I can do to help, I'd be more than happy to. *nods*

    I've always felt the hardest thing is getting over your embarrassment and self-consciousness. If I miss a couple classes, whether from illness or a severe depression kick or for whatever reason, I find it so hard to walk into class again because I'm afraid people will make a big deal about my absence. And then it gets harder and harder as I try to psych myself up to going again, and before I know it, I've missed half the semester and there's no possible way for me to pass the class. I realize your exam is only 5 days away, but...I guess try not to get caught up in that cycle.

    *hugs*...here's hoping you pass the course. And that maybe you find someone who's ok with going back and reviewing with you. =)
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  25. - Top - End - #145
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    First off, I think you figured out yourself that your friends won't mind that you're behind. While they might seem a bit frustrated having to go back, it will help both of you; I know that there are subjects that I'm only as strong in as I am because I was the first person in my study group to figure it out, so I ended up explaining it, a lot.

    Secondly, what Rawhide said. Between the fact that you're facing the potential of being dismissed from the school and the fact that you have so many people who want to help you (friends, grad student, TAs/teachers [see below]), you have no excuse to not be trying. If you don't, you'll deal with what you suggested your friends responses will be: "why didn't you study with us?"

    Finally, the TAs/teachers want you to succeed. Unless their completely horrible at what they're doing. I've spent the last 2 years TAing chemistry courses (labs mostly, with a gen chem lecture in there as well), so I'm speaking from the other side here, so to speak. If you go to your TAs office hours, tell them what's going on, and show them that you are willing to put in the effort to succeed, they will do whatever they can to help you. Whether it'll be enough is up to you, obviously, but I have had students (both in my section, and in other sections, since we shared office hours) who came to my office hours regularly, and asked for help when they needed it. Whether you simply sit there and work on stuff, asking for help when you get stuck, or whether you do the work in advance and then go to office hours with various questions to ask, you'll want to show your desire to succeed (yes, you need to convince yourself of that first, but see above for that part). I've found that teachers are very similar, but I don't have personal experience from the other side there, which is why I focused on the TA aspect.

    Also, your catch-22 of not understanding the material can be helped a lot by going to office hours. Tell the TA/teacher what's going on, and see if they can give you some things you should focus on. While a lot of classes are cumulative, they aren't equally cumulative; there's more that builds off of some things than others, and some that are really just the end of a chain. The TA/teacher can help you figure out which are the key building blocks, which are the minor building blocks, and which are just the ornamentation.
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  26. - Top - End - #146
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    smile Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Ceric:
    Rawhide is right. Go now and study with your pals. Keep in mind that teaching someone else to do something (as your friends will do for you if you go) is a great way to study ... so you might actually be a help to them.

    It's an awful feel to know you've let yourself down. But now is not the time to berate yourself for what you wish you had done. Now iis the time to *cram*. Just do the best you can. After finals, you can make a plan for how you will do better next time.

    Good luck and hang in there.


    Totally Guy:
    I like Marillion's advice much better than mine!

    I sympathize with your dilemma. I too have had friends bail out on events I planned. What I learned from that (repeated) experience was this: planning creates a sense of ownership. If only one person plans, that person has all the sense of ownership of the event. This means to that one person (me) the event is very important, while to everyone else it is just a date on a calendar. So when possible I try not to be the sole planner/organizer.

    On the other hand, I think your pals don't quite realize how lucky they are to have a friend like you who keeps his promises.

    Blue:
    Crow has given some awesome advice. The only thing I can think to add is that sometimes it takes some practice to remember to do fun things. It's even possible to forrget what is fun. I know that sounds weird, but it is true. I think lots of people are hard on themselves for "not knowing how to have fun" .... but frankly, fun is a skill same as anything else. As the Cat in the Hat says, "It's good to have fun, but you've got to know how!"

    So it's important to set time aside to do fun things, for the same reasons it's important to set time aside to study: once one gets out of the habit, it's hard to return to it.

    Your friend is lucky to have a friend like you.


    Be well everyone.

    Monkey





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  27. - Top - End - #147
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Okay... wow. What did I write, again? I basically posted that, stalled for half an hour, and then somehow swapped out my depressed self-consious self for my cheerful self before biking to the friend's place. It helped that no one's as far ahead as I think they are; only one friend out of the five there is actually caught up on the homework (he's the one teaching everyone else) and two others were playing a game on the iPhone and ignoring the math entirely. The friend asked me where I was on the homework and I answered that I hadn't done "much of anything" since the midterm; his only reaction was a lighthearted groan and "why didn't you study with us earlier, we just got <other friend> caught up!" So he gave me his ch 3.1 homework and I worked on that, which was super easy since it was just following "if the equation looks like this, do this, and that's the answer" sort of instructions. (I mean, I should probably figure out why you make y=e^(rt) and that causes the answer to be y=C1e^(r1t)+C2e^(r2t), but it's just math )

    They'd already been there for almost four hours longer than me, so I only got about half that homework done before they decided to quit for now. We biked back to our apartment and played video games Then I went to my wushu practice. Exercise is good. Afterwards, went with some of the wushu people to get food and pearl milk tea rather than straight home, and ended up staying there for a couple of hours chatting and talking about weird/funny things, such as waterbending sheep solving all the world's problems. (We, uh, were supposed to study math again after practice but by the time the math/wushu friend and I got back they were done and gone.)

    All is good now. I mean, I'm still only halfway through ch 3.1 of whatever is due for Monday's final, and I'm still on academic probation, but I don't feel nearly as hopeless now that I'm actually doing something about it.

    Not sure if it's a good good or just a delusional one. But I feel a lot better, and I'm actually doing the work now.

    Quote Originally Posted by MonkeyBusiness
    After finals, you can make a plan for how you will do better next time.
    Seeing as I'm on academic probation because of last quarter, I should have had this done by now...
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  28. - Top - End - #148
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    smile Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Ceric:

    Yay! I'm glad you went and found it to be more helpful and more supportive than you'd feared. Your "wait ... what did I write" response made me smile.

    Keep up the good work. It's good to use exercise, game, and relaxing with friends to reward yourself for hard work and help you relax during the stress of finals week. Just don't let the "reward" last indefinitely so it becomes a way to avoid studying again.

    And yes, you "should have" made a plan a long time ago ... but the situation is what it is, and thinking in terms of "should haves" will only make you feel guilty .... and guilt is a big inhibitor to concentration. So put that aside for now.

    Best of luck to you! I hope you'll let us know how it all goes!
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  29. - Top - End - #149
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    So, IDK, I'm just feeling really lethargic and weird and it's got me down.

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    I've been having a lot of fun this summer. Hanging out with friends and stuff. Really lazy and relaxed. Up until now, I had been loving it. And then today was just ... Weird. I should have had a lot of fun, but I didn't.

    I played an uber-relaxed game of golf with some of my pals, and we all did terribad, but I got in 1 or 2 good holes even though I've only played once before. Then we went back to a friends house to continue a Game of Thrones marathon, where we met up with our female marathon buddies, one of which I like. After a few episodes we went out and got some pizza before going to another friends house where we did ping pong and just hung out for a few hours.

    At one point the girls in the group left to go get another friend, and I got into an odd conversation with the remaining people, all of which I'm close with. Suicide for some reason got brought up, and I was the only one who apparently has ever been remotely suicidal, so I just felt awkward. And maybe that's what really got me down, but I wasn't having fun before that, and I really should have.


    This could also all just be because I stayed up for 41 hours straight recently, so I dunno if it actually matters or not. Thoughts are appreciated anyway.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll View Post
    This could also all just be because I stayed up for 41 hours straight recently, so I dunno if it actually matters or not. Thoughts are appreciated anyway.
    This could have an impact, y'know. Being tired makes me feel depressed. Sleep is a good thing, and you should have some. Work on catching up.
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