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  1. - Top - End - #181
    Ettin in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    The white spaces are like a piece of your signature Monkey, it's something that's unique to your style of posting. Don't be embarassed about it.

  2. - Top - End - #182
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    smile Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Succubus:
    *hugs* Thank you, sweetheart.

    Marilllion:

    That is incredibly stressful. I wish I could stomp over there and boot your landlady person right in her landlady parts. Failing that, may I recommend that you check out the local renter's union? They might have some advice.

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    Merry Christmas.




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  3. - Top - End - #183
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    SamuraiGuy

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    frown Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    I don't know how to begin this, but here goes.

    I've been depressed for two years now, not medically diagnosed, but I am lonely and unhappy. My family ritually verbally abuses me, swearing at me and what not, and in addition I haven't met a girl who likes me yet, though I am only 15. Any advice on what to do?

  4. - Top - End - #184
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Daemonhawk View Post
    I don't know how to begin this, but here goes.

    I've been depressed for two years now, not medically diagnosed, but I am lonely and unhappy. My family ritually verbally abuses me, swearing at me and what not, and in addition I haven't met a girl who likes me yet, though I am only 15. Any advice on what to do?
    Have you spoken with a professional about your depression? Or is this a self-diagnosis thing? The latter is incredibly unhelpful (to yourself, specifically), the former can be helpful, since professionals are (spoiler alert!) trained to help you.

    I don't have much advice about the family problems, but don't put much stock into not having met a girl who likes you yet. Society tells us everyone's had a gf/bf by a certain age, but I can tell you first-hand that it's not true for everyone. Personally, I have 0 people who have been romantically interested in me (I have a pretty even split of male/female friends, actually), and 1 who *might* have been interested in me... but nothing came from the first time we met, and I never saw her after that, so confirmation is lacking, at best.
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    Witch doctors might tell you "ooh ee ooh ah ah ting tang wallawalla bing bang", but they give you that for everything, so most of us consider it a ridiculous scam.
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    When you're flopping about uncertainly like a Magikarp that just got sent in against a level 60 Venusaur, just go back to the basics.

  5. - Top - End - #185
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    I don't know how to begin this, but here goes.

    I've been depressed for two years now, not medically diagnosed, but I am lonely and unhappy. My family ritually verbally abuses me, swearing at me and what not, and in addition I haven't met a girl who likes me yet, though I am only 15. Any advice on what to do?
    It's alright, you're alright, and you're doing fine. So, I could go and talk to you about seeing professionals and whatnot, but you already admit it isn't medically diagnosed. You're depressed, not depressive, as you aptly judged, there is a difference and it's a big one, too. So don't you worry about that.

    First things first, though, here's the deal: You're fifteen. You are fifteen now, and can be perfect later. You are right here, right now, the way you are, and that is GOOD. More than anything and if nothing else, remember that. Your family is giving you crap? Piling it onto you? Making your life a nightmare at times, with their nagging and swearing and cursing and such? Well, you're fifteen, man. And I'm not calling you "man" lightly. In more than half the cultures on this rock of ours you've been considered a man since about a year without anyone even knowing that! So here is what you'll have to do: The next time they start having at you in such a way, or better yet, right now, you give some back. That is entirely okay and justified. You walk right up to them first chance you get and say: "Alright, folks. There's a problem here. You're giving me all manner of crap, and I don't know what the **** your problem is, but I have one with that. So I'm not perfect? Well, too bad. I'm fifteen, for (insert object of common reference)'s sake. I'm fifteen now, I can be perfect later. I am right here, right now, the way I am, and that is GOOD. And if you can't accept that, deal with it!" And say it like you believe it, and best start believing it, too, because it is the goddamn case and has been for a while! And if you want to, you can talk it out with them right there, or you can simply go and leave them to chew on that, either way, chances are whatever happens next is just gonna improve your lot. Because someone that bullies ya? They do it because you don't fight back. Speaking up is the greatest weapon you have, anyone could have, and once they're called out on it, it will make them think again, believe me here.

    I can not promise you it will be easy, or that it will go just as you might now hope. But really, you're at that point in a guy's life at which we all decide who we are. And personally, I'd say to stand up NOW and clear out your troubles is going to do much more for you than any professional, any girl, or any depression thread on the internet. We're here to help, and help we will if we somehow can, but all the decisions are yours to make. And trust me, once the guy that's getting crap at home walks into school one day like the man he has finally dared becoming, willing to take his problems on, and not letting anyone stop him from rising up and beyond the mold, others will not only like you, they'll feckin' LIE AWAKE AT NIGHT AND HOPE THAT MAYBE YOU LIKE THEM! So really, seize your chances now. Go out, talk about it, settle this, and then come back and tell us how it went, if you so wish. All of the best to you. Chin up, and NO-ONE can bring ya down. Also: I'm not saying that you must. I'm thinking that you should. Your call.
    Last edited by Worlok; 2012-06-14 at 08:29 PM. Reason: Emphasis!

  6. - Top - End - #186
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    smile Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Daemonhawk,

    I'm sorry to hear you are having a rough time.

    I think it's really hard being fifteen, even under the best of circumstances. Everything seems to be changing: you are expected to be "more responsible", things at school get more challenging academically, life gets more complicated socially ... even one's body goes through sudden changes.

    When a person goes through all of this, but without feeling supposted by an understanding family, it gets much harder.

    No family is perfect, just as no person is perfect. But no-one deserves to be verbally abused.

    I hope you will seek help, from an advisor at school or your family doctor, to arrange a meeting with a psychologist. This will do two things. First, it will help you get a diagnosis, and maybe some counselling that will help you to feel less depressed and more hopeful. Second, it will give you an ally who can help you find a way to deal with the people in your family who are verbally abusing you. When you are fifteen, you need adults on your side.

    It certainly makes sense to take a stand. However I urge you not to be confrontational, as that can escalate the abuse. A good way to stand up for yourself without escalating things is to use neutral phrases. Try to find a copy of "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward, which talks about how to do this.

    As others have pointed out, it is early to worry about not having a girl liking you. Frankly, there very well might be one or more girls who like you, but who are reluctant to say anything, for the same reasons you might.

    Finally, it is important to have ways to reassure yourself, when your family is being abusive, that you are okay. When a teacher writes praise on your homework, or if a friend sends you a kind email ... keep it. Take it out when things get rough and remember that people who you really respect and like, respect and like you too.

    I hope you will keep in touch and let us know how things are going with you.

    -Monkey



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    Last edited by MonkeyBusiness; 2012-06-14 at 09:26 PM.
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  7. - Top - End - #187
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    SamuraiGuy

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    biggrin Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Worlok View Post
    It's alright, you're alright, and you're doing fine. So, I could go and talk to you about seeing professionals and whatnot, but you already admit it isn't medically diagnosed. You're depressed, not depressive, as you aptly judged, there is a difference and it's a big one, too. So don't you worry about that.

    First things first, though, here's the deal: You're fifteen. You are fifteen now, and can be perfect later. You are right here, right now, the way you are, and that is GOOD. More than anything and if nothing else, remember that. Your family is giving you crap? Piling it onto you? Making your life a nightmare at times, with their nagging and swearing and cursing and such? Well, you're fifteen, man. And I'm not calling you "man" lightly. In more than half the cultures on this rock of ours you've been considered a man since about a year without anyone even knowing that! So here is what you'll have to do: The next time they start having at you in such a way, or better yet, right now, you give some back. That is entirely okay and justified. You walk right up to them first chance you get and say: "Alright, folks. There's a problem here. You're giving me all manner of crap, and I don't know what the **** your problem is, but I have one with that. So I'm not perfect? Well, too bad. I'm fifteen, for (insert object of common reference)'s sake. I'm fifteen now, I can be perfect later. I am right here, right now, the way I am, and that is GOOD. And if you can't accept that, deal with it!" And say it like you believe it, and best start believing it, too, because it is the goddamn case and has been for a while! And if you want to, you can talk it out with them right there, or you can simply go and leave them to chew on that, either way, chances are whatever happens next is just gonna improve your lot. Because someone that bullies ya? They do it because you don't fight back. Speaking up is the greatest weapon you have, anyone could have, and once they're called out on it, it will make them think again, believe me here.

    I can not promise you it will be easy, or that it will go just as you might now hope. But really, you're at that point in a guy's life at which we all decide who we are. And personally, I'd say to stand up NOW and clear out your troubles is going to do much more for you than any professional, any girl, or any depression thread on the internet. We're here to help, and help we will if we somehow can, but all the decisions are yours to make. And trust me, once the guy that's getting crap at home walks into school one day like the man he has finally dared becoming, willing to take his problems on, and not letting anyone stop him from rising up and beyond the mold, others will not only like you, they'll feckin' LIE AWAKE AT NIGHT AND HOPE THAT MAYBE YOU LIKE THEM! So really, seize your chances now. Go out, talk about it, settle this, and then come back and tell us how it went, if you so wish. All of the best to you. Chin up, and NO-ONE can bring ya down. Also: I'm not saying that you must. I'm thinking that you should. Your call.
    In the month or so I have been on this forum I have met better people than those I have met in five years. You are the most amazing group of people I have ever met. I posted this fully expecting what both friends and church members have given me, and instead got the best response I could ever dream of. Thank you so much for that advice, and I accept it whole heartedly. I feel amazing after reading that, and a new found resolve has made its way into my body. Thank you all so much.

    And to Monkey, because I don't know how to double quote, I understand what you're saying, and I won't be aggressive or confrontational in it. I don't need to make things worse.

  8. - Top - End - #188
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    ClericGirl

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Daemonhawk View Post

    And to Monkey, because I don't know how to double quote
    Use the little " button next to quote.

    I just learned this myself!

  9. - Top - End - #189
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    I always wondered how that strange voodoo magic worked.

  10. - Top - End - #190
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    Spoiler
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    Okay.
    Picture depression as a huge black cloud monster. If it swallows you, and you manage to save yourself and get away, you haven't completely won yet, because it has wrapped its long tongue around you. It can track you down and swallow you again.
    Often because it's a big cloud, you don't see it coming (back), or it appears to be much farther than it actually is.
    Well, that's exactly what's happened to me, and I'm at the point where I'm in its mouth again, but its mouth isn't closed yet.

    Depression's come back. I have no motivation to do any of the stuff in my life that's actually important. I cry just thinking about it. I don't really expect anything nice in my future at all. I've seriously started thinking that if my boyfriend hadn't been here by my side, killing myself would be an option. That is bad. I'm still lucid enough to see the symptoms, be aware that suicide is a ******-up pseudo-solution, and blame external factors for my current state instead of myself, but the depression is still coming back.
    I don't want to take mind-numbing medication again, I don't want to go back to a professional and waste again so much time and money explaining once again everything that's wrong in my life when I'm perfectly aware of it all already, until they decide I'm okay again. And on the other hand, my boyfriend has his own problems and is slowly winning his own fight against depression, he's gonna stop his medication soon. I don't want to be a load for him, I don't want to put his recovery in jeopardy.
    **** **** **** ****.
    I really thought I could manage to keep my relative sanity this time. On top of the depression itself, I'm depressed over feeling depressed.
    Fortunately, I'm still lucid. I still know where I stand. I know it's not normal for me to feel I'm useless and hopeless. I absolutely have to go back to my normal state without the medication and therapy.

    Anyway, I'm gonna tell him tonight. I still don't know how. But I have to be honest with him and tell him.
    Quote Originally Posted by on Dwarf Fortress succession games
    I have no idea where anything is. I have no idea what anything does. This is not merely a madhouse designed by a madman, but a madhouse designed by many madmen, each with an intense hatred for the previous madman's unique flavour of madness.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dwarf Fortress 0.40.01 bugs
    - If an adventurer shouts and nobody is around to hear it, the game crashes
    - War Dogs appear to run from themselves in terror
    - New tree generation frequently causes birds to explode

  11. - Top - End - #191
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    smile Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Musahsi:

    I am so sorry you are going through this. Here is a *big hug* for you, if you like hugs. (More where that came from, if you do.)

    All right, first thing I have to say is this: I am actually relieved you have gotten to the point where you can recognize the symptoms for what they are and can place yourself on the "map" of depression. Since you have been down this road before, you know what to expect.

    So does your boyfriend. You are right both in your desire not to hide this, and in your realization that you can't rely on him as a liferaft. But no matter where you are in your respective journeys in coping with the depression, it's important to talk to each other about where you are on the "map" and how you are feeling.

    So when you talk to him tonight, I encourage you to discuss how you can be supportive to each other, without crossing any boundaries. This is good for any couple to do, actually, no matter the state of emotional health: without knowing (and respectfully observing) the other person's boundaries, the whole relationship quickly becomes out of balance.

    One kind of help he might offer that is healthy is to help you to find a doctor who is a better diagnostician than your last one. (The way you describe the effect of your meds concerns me, as does the idea that the doctor tell you when you are well.). Another thing he can do that is healthy for both of you. Is to provide a nudge of assistance when it is important. For example, he might be a wake-up call on mornings when you have an important meeting or appointment. Or, he can meet you for lunch after. These things don't involve trying to pull you out of the cloud, or plunging into you cloud to rescue you. They are simply ways of being together, that help you feel supported.

    Because he is your boyfriend, he is going to *want* to be supportive. That is what friends do. So do not deprive him of this role: that is caretaking, and it is a s wrong for you to do that as it is for him to do for you. But do discuss what you both thing he is capable of doing, as well as what he wants to do. To assume he is a delicate flower is as disrespectful as dumping your black cloud on his shoulders. (Not saying you do either.)

    And I'd also like to address your statement that you blame external factors for your depression "instead of yourself". I get that you mean that the source of depression in emotional, not circumstantial .... but because you are depressed, the idea that you blame yourself for this worries me. You are not to blame, any more than you would be to blame for any recurring physical condition flaring up. *hugs again*

    Since you are having suicidal thoughts, it is essentiall that you see *someone* who is qualified. It need not be a psychiatrist. But please do seek help. Ask BF to ask his therapist for a recommendation.

    Those are my initial thoughts. Hope they help. Good luck tonight. Let us know how it goes, and how you are feeling.

    -Monkey





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    Last edited by MonkeyBusiness; 2012-06-23 at 08:20 AM.
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  12. - Top - End - #192
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Thanks a lot for the advice.
    For clarification:
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    - Well, yes, that's what the antidepressants were for me. The first set more or less zombified me, the second set merely numbed me down and temporarily made me narcoleptic. Preventing me from thinking too much at that point of my life certainly helped, but I don't want to go through that again, especially not if I'm actually lucid about my situation and harmless for me or anyone else.
    Which means I also would rather avoid testing different medications until we find one that suits me. If it does turn out I'm challenging the well-being of my partner, then I will make an effort and consider it again.
    - My first depression came right after the sudden death of my father, when I was 17. I received a treatment and was already seeing a shrink, but my mother was already taking antidepressants (because of the death of another loved one several years before), and no matter what I'd tell her, refused to see anyone. Therefore, I remember having to manage both my depression and hers (which incidentally was often directed against me in one way or another), at a time when we should have been expected to support each other.
    I know that in light of that experience, the first note in that post seems hypocritical. Maybe That's hypocrisy, indeed. But again, the difference here is that if someone feels like I should see shrink, then I will see a shrink.
    - What I meant about "blaming myself" is that I'm aware it's often a symptom of depression. And right now, fortunately, I'm not doing it. I'm not there. I'm aware it's overwhelmingly due to certain circumstances, and the only fault that's mine was not taking care of some of these circumstances while I still had the motivation to do so. If I find out I'm starting to blame myself seriously, then once again, that will be a sign I'll have to see a professional.

    So, the irony made it that there was a little something that I have to do, and I was motivated to do it, and I went out to do it outside to get advised directly by the sales clerks in the hopes they would be more informative than the website, but once I reached the store, well, turns out these [REDACTED] decided to temporarily close their shop on Saturday because of the massive influx of customers. Thanks for not signalling that on any related website! What little motivation I had was wasted, though no fault of my own, once again.

    So right now, I'm preparing what I'll tell my boyfriend exactly.
    Quote Originally Posted by on Dwarf Fortress succession games
    I have no idea where anything is. I have no idea what anything does. This is not merely a madhouse designed by a madman, but a madhouse designed by many madmen, each with an intense hatred for the previous madman's unique flavour of madness.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dwarf Fortress 0.40.01 bugs
    - If an adventurer shouts and nobody is around to hear it, the game crashes
    - War Dogs appear to run from themselves in terror
    - New tree generation frequently causes birds to explode

  13. - Top - End - #193
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    smile Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Musashi, thanks for clarifying your situation. It seems to me that you have a great deal of insight into your self and your behavior. It's good to know that you are trying to plan ways to cope. I don't think it is hypocrisy at all to wish to avoid feeling like a zombie! I think that you had a terrible burden for anyone to bear, especially at seventeen.

    I don't want what I say next to sound like pressure to go see a doctor. You seem to know when that will be necessary. But I am glad you are open to going to a doctor if things get to a certain point. That might be one thing to discuss with the boyfriend tonight. Having a plan is a useful tool when coping with severe depression. Just knowing what you will do if your depression becomes unmanageable can help you feel better.

    I hope you'll keep in touch and let us know how you continue to feel.

    -Monkey


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    Last edited by MonkeyBusiness; 2012-06-23 at 06:26 PM.
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  14. - Top - End - #194
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Update:
    had a long talk with my boyfriend (so long I can't really transcribe the content of that discussion in a short post). I'm feeling much better already. Everything went better than expected, as goes the meme.
    Also, my mother tried to call me thrice this week, and I purposefully didn't answer. I should probably feel bad, except that earlier this week, she'd successfully called three times, that she does a great job at not making me feel better about anything, and therefore, that putting a distance between us both would benefit me quite a bit. Beside, if she had anything really important to tell me, she'd try to join me on my cell phone instead.
    (Yes, you read well, that means she called a total of 6 times in about 8 days. Reminder: I'm 23.)
    Tomorrow, once I manage to take a couple more steps toward getting a job, I'll phone her and give her the news of my advancement. Still debating whether I should tell her about my mental state; I can hear already what she'd probably say, and it's not a supportive statement.
    Quote Originally Posted by on Dwarf Fortress succession games
    I have no idea where anything is. I have no idea what anything does. This is not merely a madhouse designed by a madman, but a madhouse designed by many madmen, each with an intense hatred for the previous madman's unique flavour of madness.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dwarf Fortress 0.40.01 bugs
    - If an adventurer shouts and nobody is around to hear it, the game crashes
    - War Dogs appear to run from themselves in terror
    - New tree generation frequently causes birds to explode

  15. - Top - End - #195
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Musashi View Post
    (Yes, you read well, that means she called a total of 6 times in about 8 days. Reminder: I'm 23.)
    I don't see the issue
    a triple cheer for Wojiz, for making me my very own Avatar...
    Quote Originally Posted by kpenguin View Post
    Cursed zombies are more realistic.
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    with many thanks to Avi for the siggatar

  16. - Top - End - #196
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    ... I thought that was a bit much, but maybe it's just me.
    Quote Originally Posted by on Dwarf Fortress succession games
    I have no idea where anything is. I have no idea what anything does. This is not merely a madhouse designed by a madman, but a madhouse designed by many madmen, each with an intense hatred for the previous madman's unique flavour of madness.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dwarf Fortress 0.40.01 bugs
    - If an adventurer shouts and nobody is around to hear it, the game crashes
    - War Dogs appear to run from themselves in terror
    - New tree generation frequently causes birds to explode

  17. - Top - End - #197
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    Quote Originally Posted by Musashi View Post
    ... I thought that was a bit much, but maybe it's just me.
    I'm 33.. hardly a day goes by without my mother making some sort of contact..be it phone, skype or else.
    I don't know you or your mother..but... could it be she worries about you even though she's crap at expressing it?
    a triple cheer for Wojiz, for making me my very own Avatar...
    Quote Originally Posted by kpenguin View Post
    Cursed zombies are more realistic.
    Spoiler
    Show

    with many thanks to Avi for the siggatar

  18. - Top - End - #198
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    I've got to agree with dehro. I turn 25 in a month, and I still talk to my parents for at least half an hour a day, on average. Sometimes a day will go without talking, and there are days I'll spend 2+ hours talking to them. Both sides instigate it, and a lot of it is that I really do appreciate my parents' input on things, and I've got a wide range of various issues I'm trying to work through. It depends very much on your individual relationship, but don't assume that 6 calls in a week is excessive, especially when the last 3 haven't been answered; she might just be trying to play one-sided phone tag with you.
    Avatar courtesy of Prime32

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    you're like a male Felicia Day
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeadManSleeping View Post
    Witch doctors might tell you "ooh ee ooh ah ah ting tang wallawalla bing bang", but they give you that for everything, so most of us consider it a ridiculous scam.
    Quote Originally Posted by DeadManSleeping View Post
    When you're flopping about uncertainly like a Magikarp that just got sent in against a level 60 Venusaur, just go back to the basics.

  19. - Top - End - #199
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Okay then, my perception of things must be skewed.
    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    I'm 33.. hardly a day goes by without my mother making some sort of contact..be it phone, skype or else.
    I don't know you or your mother..but... could it be she worries about you even though she's crap at expressing it?
    That's the big issue. She worries about me, but not only she's crap at expressing it, but she puts her own worry before what I may possibly feel myself. She's not a bad person, but she's a little overwhelming (yes, even taking in account the whole phone thing). I don't particularly wish to give examples of her behaviour here and now, though. Our personalities are just becoming less and less compatible over the years, and she refuses to admit it.
    Quote Originally Posted by on Dwarf Fortress succession games
    I have no idea where anything is. I have no idea what anything does. This is not merely a madhouse designed by a madman, but a madhouse designed by many madmen, each with an intense hatred for the previous madman's unique flavour of madness.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dwarf Fortress 0.40.01 bugs
    - If an adventurer shouts and nobody is around to hear it, the game crashes
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  20. - Top - End - #200
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    Quote Originally Posted by Musashi View Post
    ... but she puts her own worry before what I may possibly feel myself.
    This is why you made the right decision. Your mother must learn to cope with her own worry.

    I too had a mom who called me all the time. Mothers do that. But that does not mean your perception is skewed. She is calling too often for *you*.

    There is a difference between a mom who calls often because she enjoys talking to her child, and a mother who calls often because she is not adjusting well to her child's adult independence. The latter is usually not agreeable to either the child or the mother. You clearly have the latter, and there is nothing wrong with defining boundaries. Because adults do that.


    I think your decision to call her later this week, when you have something positive to report, is a good one.

    I'm not sure why you'd tell her about your mood, if her reaction will worsen it.

    I am glad your conversation with your boyfriend went well. I am so happy for you! It's good to know he's got your back!
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  21. - Top - End - #201
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    You hit the nail on the head, MonkeyBusiness. (Bleh, I have trouble expressing myself properly, you're expressing my problems better than I do. Probably related to my state as well.)
    She's not calling to support me particularly, or rather, in a way, she intends to support me, but in effect, because she doesn't understand me and my feelings as well as she once could, she actually crushes my motivation. We're not exchanging ideas any longer when we discuss, instead, she's the one who does the majority of the talking and wants to be reassured. When she does attempt to reassure me, she says things that are obviously false, but she won't accept my corrections. The end result is that I'm stressed, that I wonder if I'm the one who's being a misinformed moron, and that I don't want to think my mother is being a moron either. Plus, when I see her IRL, the discussion often derails somehow into politics or racism; I refuse even speaking any more politics with her anymore because it always ends in a conflict, and, well, she's much more racist than she thinks she is and has already ridiculed me for it in the past. We rarely have adult and constructive exchanges anymore.



    Thanks a lot for the support, everyone. It really helps.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dwarf Fortress 0.40.01 bugs
    - If an adventurer shouts and nobody is around to hear it, the game crashes
    - War Dogs appear to run from themselves in terror
    - New tree generation frequently causes birds to explode

  22. - Top - End - #202
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by MonkeyBusiness View Post
    I too had a mom who called me all the time. Mothers do that. But that does not mean your perception is skewed. She is calling too often for *you*.

    There is a difference between a mom who calls often because she enjoys talking to her child, and a mother who calls often because she is not adjusting well to her child's adult independence. The latter is usually not agreeable to either the child or the mother. You clearly have the latter, and there is nothing wrong with defining boundaries. Because adults do that.
    Agreed. This is definitely a big difference, and one that's important to realize so that you can have functional, if not ideal, interactions when they're desired/necessary.

    Quote Originally Posted by Musashi View Post
    You hit the nail on the head, MonkeyBusiness. (Bleh, I have trouble expressing myself properly, you're expressing my problems better than I do. Probably related to my state as well.)
    She's not calling to support me particularly, or rather, in a way, she intends to support me, but in effect, because she doesn't understand me and my feelings as well as she once could, she actually crushes my motivation. We're not exchanging ideas any longer when we discuss, instead, she's the one who does the majority of the talking and wants to be reassured. When she does attempt to reassure me, she says things that are obviously false, but she won't accept my corrections. The end result is that I'm stressed, that I wonder if I'm the one who's being a misinformed moron, and that I don't want to think my mother is being a moron either. Plus, when I see her IRL, the discussion often derails somehow into politics or racism; I refuse even speaking any more politics with her anymore because it always ends in a conflict, and, well, she's much more racist than she thinks she is and has already ridiculed me for it in the past. We rarely have adult and constructive exchanges anymore.
    Given that your conversations with her make things worse, limiting (if not completely eliminating) the conversations is certainly a good plan. Another idea would be to have a regular time with your mom. I know that's what my mom does with her mother (who's developed dementia recently, and can be very difficult to talk with as a result), and that helps both of them. Whether that would be helpful for you and your mom would obviously depend on your specific relationship, and so you'll have to decide that for yourself.

    Thanks a lot for the support, everyone. It really helps.
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  23. - Top - End - #203
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    if it is of any consolation, half the conversations I have with my mum are to try and sort out the emotional distress 100% of her conversations with my sister create.

    also, and I'm going to be a bit harsh and probably entirely off the mark..but could it be that you see her talking about her worries as a slight towards your worries and issues, when instead you might entertain the notion that people should not always feel sorry for you but occasionally have their own issues to sort out too..and might feel better if you expressed some empathy towards those instead of keep the sulking all focused on yourself?

    I'm sorry..but I don't have direct experience of depression and..well.. clinical states of emotional distress (which probably isn't the right way to word it).. so I tend to play devil's advocate..if nothing else, to give an alternative viewpoint to what seems to be the circular train of thought that you're trapped into.
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  24. - Top - End - #204
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    if it is of any consolation, half the conversations I have with my mum are to try and sort out the emotional distress 100% of her conversations with my sister create.

    also, and I'm going to be a bit harsh and probably entirely off the mark..but could it be that you see her talking about her worries as a slight towards your worries and issues, when instead you might entertain the notion that people should not always feel sorry for you but occasionally have their own issues to sort out too..and might feel better if you expressed some empathy towards those instead of keep the sulking all focused on yourself?

    I'm sorry..but I don't have direct experience of depression and..well.. clinical states of emotional distress (which probably isn't the right way to word it).. so I tend to play devil's advocate..if nothing else, to give an alternative viewpoint to what seems to be the circular train of thought that you're trapped into.
    I can only speak from my own experience, but I think it's less about trying to garner sympathy than it is about not wanting to feel like you have to focus your efforts on reassuring someone else while you're struggling to stay afloat.

    Anyways, I'm glad that the talk with your boyfriend went well, Musashi! Keep us updated!

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Well, I'm boned. I rang up the enrollment people that I took my course with to tell them that I want to quit because I just can't handle the work. I never wanted to become a teacher in the first place. But I can't tell this to my parents.

    They won't understand. My mother especially. My mother liked the idea of me becoming a teacher. She's probably told all her friends about it too. And if I tell her, she'll probably kick me out of the house. For being a failure. Because that's what I am compared to my ever so successful brother who moved out of home and has had the same boyfriend for for 3 years and manages to find work easily whenever he wants.

    So I'm just going to sit here and stress about it forever now I guess while trying to find full time work again and somehow try to stop being such a ****up.
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  26. - Top - End - #206
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Nix Nihila View Post
    I can only speak from my own experience, but I think it's less about trying to garner sympathy than it is about not wanting to feel like you have to focus your efforts on reassuring someone else while you're struggling to stay afloat.
    Again, this.
    My current situation is a little difficult to manage. She's worried about it, though she's only indirectly affected. She has a hard time registering that I, who's living it directly, may need reassurance as much, if no more than she does. I don't want sympathy, in fact, I would enjoy it greatly if she stopped trying so hard.
    Quote Originally Posted by on Dwarf Fortress succession games
    I have no idea where anything is. I have no idea what anything does. This is not merely a madhouse designed by a madman, but a madhouse designed by many madmen, each with an intense hatred for the previous madman's unique flavour of madness.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dwarf Fortress 0.40.01 bugs
    - If an adventurer shouts and nobody is around to hear it, the game crashes
    - War Dogs appear to run from themselves in terror
    - New tree generation frequently causes birds to explode

  27. - Top - End - #207
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    So um...
    Is it bad that I tend to be a worry-wart?
    By that I mean I tend to worry about my friends a lot when I know something is wrong, or that they're making bad decisions...
    And in the end, I mostly tend to have worried to much 'cause they were able to handle themselves...
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  28. - Top - End - #208
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Musashi View Post
    ... I thought that was a bit much, but maybe it's just me.
    Not just you. I'd be uncomfortable if while I was living on my own my parents kept calling me every day. You have your own life, you decide what you want now - if your mum is calling you too much, continue ignoring the calls unless you feel you can handle talking to her.
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  29. - Top - End - #209
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Moonshadow View Post
    Well, I'm boned. I rang up the enrollment people that I took my course with to tell them that I want to quit because I just can't handle the work. I never wanted to become a teacher in the first place. But I can't tell this to my parents.

    They won't understand. My mother especially. My mother liked the idea of me becoming a teacher. She's probably told all her friends about it too. And if I tell her, she'll probably kick me out of the house. For being a failure. Because that's what I am compared to my ever so successful brother who moved out of home and has had the same boyfriend for for 3 years and manages to find work easily whenever he wants.

    So I'm just going to sit here and stress about it forever now I guess while trying to find full time work again and somehow try to stop being such a ****up.

    Whatever your mum told her friends, that's her business and if she's wrong, she's wrong. After all, you were doing this course for your sake, not just to score her a few social pegs with her clique.

    So what would you *want* to do if you were given the choice of career?

  30. - Top - End - #210
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

    So...more school issues.

    I have a paper due in 2 days. And I quite literally can't focus. I mean literally, I can sit there staring at the screen, but I just won't have anything at all to say. I'm catching myself falling asleep constantly, even though I've had enough sleep and been drinking caffeine. But I really can't afford to take another incomplete.

    I don't know. I just need a break, but if I take a break I'll lose both my job and probably my chance at my degree. I'm tired, I feel like I haven't had a vacation in years. I didn't even want to come in right away, I thought this was likely to happen, but I felt like I didn't have any other choice.
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