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    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Silkspinner's Avatar

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    Lightbulb [Critique] The Angels That Fell Sideways

    Before Earth was shaped there was war. Those loyal to the Lord and those seduced by the Shining One. What history and lore does not tell us is there was a third side. A neutral party to the Great Conflict that would not fight.
    After the Shining One was cast down they were made to leave paradise for their betrayal. They became known by many names, and many titles. Titans. Elementals. The pagan deities. You may know them by another; Fairies. Lords and Ladies. The Shining Ones.

    Creatures both beautiful and horrifying, mysterious and scandalous, they have affected and influenced the world and its peoples since the Beginning, and will continue so until the End. These are their tales.



    Background
    Last year I decided to start putting my notes together and finally begin writing a series of novels I've had in my head for years. For six months I wrote, but times got tough and I had to quit for a time. Still, I put out twelve chapters.
    I am now beginning them again, and will post a chapter each week, with the hope that I can receive feedback, general or specific. I am looking at the tale with new eyes as well, so will be editing heavily, along with your suggestions.


    The Series
    They are to be a gritty Historical Fiction/Drama with weird horror and urban fantasy overtones, influenced heavily on my own dreams and odd circumstances I've recorded in journals for years.

    All the books are very loosely connected, no more than referencing another, or perhaps sharing a same side character, but are meant to be standalones. However, the ending book I intend to combine all.


    What I Want
    I've had much feedback from those on writing forums, but the problem with semi-professional writers is they think they know what they're talking about. I've had many tell me not to do this or that, and yet I can name a dozen examples of my favorite authors who do just what these others say never to do.

    Want I want is first impressions as if you had just picked up this book from some old used store. Tell me how it flows and if anything in particular confuses you (though keep in mind that much will be answered further along).

    Basically will take any and all suggestions. I'm thick-skinned so don't hold back for fear of insulting or making me feel bad. Please, if I'm going to do this professionally I'm going to have to put up with some serious s***, so say whatever you like.

    Likewise, I may debate your critique, so don't take it personally. Understand that while I am willing to alter things if you have a point, I also need to remain true to my vision of it, for better or for worse.

    I will list the questions I have for each chapter specifically, so please answer them in addition to any others you have yourself.

    In Conclusion
    On the next page I will be listing each book I plan to write, starting with the first, Indigo's Rose, that I am already writing. I will then have a link for each chapter I'm going to post on another thread.

    This thread is for critiques, the other threads for story only.
    Last edited by Silkspinner; 2012-05-13 at 03:02 PM.
    @}--,--'-- The Angels That Fell Sideways --,--'--{@

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    Halfling in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: [Critique] The Angels That Fell Sideways

    Indigo's Rose
    - Chapter 1: Cancer
    - Chapter 2: Nymff
    - Chapter 3: Wolfe
    - Chapter 4: Slenderman
    - Chapter 5: Solomon
    - Chapter 6: Mahogany
    - Chapter 7: Baron
    - Chapter 8: Freak
    - Chapter 9: Dance
    - Chapter 10: Leerie
    Last edited by Silkspinner; 2012-05-23 at 08:11 PM.
    @}--,--'-- The Angels That Fell Sideways --,--'--{@

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    Halfling in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: [Critique] The Angels That Fell Sideways

    Feel free to go ahead and post critiques once I have the chapter thread up. I appreciate it!
    Last edited by Silkspinner; 2012-05-13 at 02:43 PM.
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    Default Re: [Critique] The Angels That Fell Sideways

    Well, I'll be watching the project, I can tell you that. Everything you've said about it has intrigued me so far, so I'm looking forward to seeing your stuff.
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    Halfling in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: [Critique] The Angels That Fell Sideways

    Glad to have your perusal

    First Chapter is up. If anyone really gets into it (crosses fingers) I can send them the rest as well without there being a week in between.
    @}--,--'-- The Angels That Fell Sideways --,--'--{@

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    Default Re: [Critique] The Angels That Fell Sideways

    Since I've gotten no response to Chap 1, I decided to post 2 ahead of schedule.

    Even idle speculations about a quick look over would be useful to me.
    @}--,--'-- The Angels That Fell Sideways --,--'--{@

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    Default Re: [Critique] The Angels That Fell Sideways

    Bookmarked to peruse when I get chance, maybe in a few days, I'll try to give some feedback since I know decent writing feedback's hard to come by. :) I can't admit to being anything more than a semi-pro myself, but at least I can admit I don't know have the first clue what I'm talking about.

    One thing that bugged me right from the blurb:

    Before Earth was shaped there was war. Those loyal to the Lord and those seduced by the Shining One. What history and lore does not tell us is there was a third side. A neutral party to the Great Conflict that would not fight.
    After the Shining One was cast down they were made to leave paradise for their betrayal. They became known by many names, and many titles. Titans. Elementals. The pagan deities. You may know them by another; Fairies. Lords and Ladies. The Shining Ones.

    I'm assuming the first use of Shining One means the devil, but the second means the Fae? I've never heard fairies referred to as that and it made me double-take the passage to see if the first use was a reference to them as well. Repetition of something in a short amount of time is generally a good idea to avoid, unless it's deliberate.

    Actually, when I google Shining Ones I find loads of references to secret societies. xD Learn something new every day...
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    Default Re: [Critique] The Angels That Fell Sideways

    Sorry I haven't gotten back to you yet. I read chapter one and enjoyed it a lot. Brief feedback: The style is really cool, but the one issue I have is with setting. It took me a while to get the setting, and what I thought it was at first changed a couple times, which is something I dislike when I read. In part it's the fault of my own assumptions though. That's really about all I can think of right now...
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    Default Re: [Critique] The Angels That Fell Sideways

    I... actually had to change some names and references to adhere to the non-religion rule for the forums, so I may need to adjust for that fact. Had forgotten I'd used the same one for both there.

    . It took me a while to get the setting, and what I thought it was at first changed a couple times, which is something I dislike when I read. In part it's the fault of my own assumptions though. That's really about all I can think of right now...
    I can see that. Will see what I can do to make it flow better from scene to scene.

    Oh, and no worries about when/if you can get back to it. I was just trying to grab attention.
    Last edited by Silkspinner; 2012-05-16 at 06:24 PM.
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    Default Re: [Critique] The Angels That Fell Sideways

    Added Chapter Three: Wolfe
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    Default Re: [Critique] The Angels That Fell Sideways

    Does anyone want me to continue posting chapters?
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    Default Re: [Critique] The Angels That Fell Sideways

    Yes please. I've enjoyed what I've read so far, just haven't had a chance to read all of it yet.
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    Default Re: [Critique] The Angels That Fell Sideways

    No need to read all of it yet. I'm perfectly content with just an opinion on individual chapters.

    I'm going to leave it at the first three for awhile, get general impression. It's the first few chapters that publishers look at anyways.
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    Default Re: [Critique] The Angels That Fell Sideways

    I'm working my way through. Your first chapter was not a bad introduction, and putting anything before it, especially about Caron, would be a mistake. However, letting Dawe reflect more on the circumstances of Derog's birth (all heros need some sort of birth story, see pretty much every myth) You should make your fairie more mysterious if you can, it will balance the supernatural against your historic background. The cancer makes perfect sense. And naming the chapters is up to you, it really doesn't matter either way.

    EDIT: so as not to double post, thought on the second chapter. After you worried so much about having too much supernatural in the first chapter, you really hit the audience over the head with it in this chapter. I'd recommend splitting this chapter into two; one about the mundane events, and one with the dream. I want to say you should lengthen the nymph encounter for the sake of flow, but I don't know how as it seems very good the way it is. Maybe highlight it more some other way. And I'd cut down on the last bit, as I feel that you could include the important foreshadowing without pulling the perspective all the way away from Derog. Still, really good intense storytelling so far.

    EDIT: chapter 3: I like Barri, at least for the depth of his character. He really adds a lot to your depiction of fairies (and yes, I am using that term because its what I know, and I apologize if I mistakenly butcher it in your eyes). I feel like Lowri should have a bigger part, althogh that may come in the next chapter. Now I really want to read more, but that's just my inner bookworm. Good work, and I wish you the best of luck!
    Last edited by Omeganaut; 2012-06-12 at 08:25 AM.
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