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Thread: Iron Poet XVI

  1. - Top - End - #121
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    Default Re: Iron Poet XVI

    Ugh, I'm so sorry, I completely missed this . A lot of stuff suddenly happened and I was completely exhausted after it and forgot all about the contest until just after it was too late. And I was really excited for this prompt too .

    Sorry, everyone.
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  2. - Top - End - #122
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    Quote Originally Posted by leakingpen View Post
    Saintridley, that is awesome! May I ask where?
    A little independent 'zine out of Cedar Rapids called Weird Cookies. Going to be featured poet in their next issue.
    Polling the Playground: How do you perceive my gender?
    Quote Originally Posted by The Giant
    Fantasy literature is ONLY worthwhile for what it can tell us about the real world; everything else is petty escapism.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Giant
    No author should have to take the time to say, "This little girl ISN'T evil, folks!" in order for the reader to understand that. It should be assumed that no first graders are irredeemably Evil unless the text tells you they are.
    Avatar by Kairaven.

  3. - Top - End - #123
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    Default Re: Iron Poet XVI

    Fantastic job everyone! All of the poems were wonderful -- it was not an easy judgment, but here is mine anyway....

    Prompt 1
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    TechWarrior : story was very clear, wonderful use of imagery, good flow, pace was solid, nice control of stanzas
    Haruki : very good imagery, solid storytelling – I enjoyed the anthropomorphism, no clear rhyming scheme but interesting use still, solid flow and pacing, unique use of rhythm
    Comment – this was particularly close, both were good and solid in terms of imagery and mechanics but TechWarrior had a clear edge in stronger imagery, good pacing for both but Haruki seemed more consistent leading to a cleaner word flow; overall I leaned more heavily to the storytelling elements of TechWarrior’s, but it was a very tight call
    Winner TechWarrior


    Prompt 2
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    Weezer : creative twist on the topic, solid pacing, somewhat choppy rhythm mimicking the segmentation of the individual photos on the film strip (very cleaver)
    The Grimmace : an even looser interpretation of the prompt but it works for me, wonderful imagery and clear pacing, less a story and more of an inanimate character sketch but extraordinarily well done
    Comment – I find it interesting that both of these entries focus on the medium rather than the image but it works… I keep changing my mind on the winner, it was so close… Weezer did a much better poem for the prompt, but The Grimmace had a better poem for what I felt from the words and saw in my mind’s eye, and I think that is the deciding factor for me
    Winner The Grimmace


    Prompt 3
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    Saint Ridley : although I said it last round, the synopsis holds true – superb use of imagery, good use of pacing, strong storytelling, and I loved the sense of humor…
    leakingpen : NP
    Comment – Saint Ridley’s win by default, but I have to say that I loved the poem overall, the story and the image were so solid and the subtle humor was wonderful, and I think that I would call this one my favorite of all 8 this round
    Winner Saint Ridley


    Prompt 4
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    Silviya : NP
    Garwain : it is a very good poem, with clear flow and a solid story, though with less of a focus on imagery, but I cannot find the connection to the prompt at all despite reading it several times in multiple sittings – perhaps an additional stanza or even just a few lines to tie it back to the prompt in a clear way
    Comment – Garwain’s win by default; the poem was a very interesting story, but I can’t say that I would have necessarily chosen it due to the seeming lack of connection to the prompt
    Winner Garwain
    Last edited by Kalrany; 2012-08-24 at 04:47 PM.
    78% of all DM's start their first campaign in a tavern. If you're among the 22% who didn't, copy and paste this into your signature and tell us where you DID begin.The players were attacked individually on the road on the way to town by werewolves. To survive, they had to team up then and there without knowing anything about eachother (literally -- all character sheets were completed without other players' knowledge).

  4. - Top - End - #124
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    Default Re: Iron Poet XVI

    I think you should spoil your picks for winners...
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  5. - Top - End - #125
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    Default Re: Iron Poet XVI

    Quote Originally Posted by The Grimmace View Post
    I think you should spoil your picks for winners...
    You are right. I fixed it. Thanks.
    78% of all DM's start their first campaign in a tavern. If you're among the 22% who didn't, copy and paste this into your signature and tell us where you DID begin.The players were attacked individually on the road on the way to town by werewolves. To survive, they had to team up then and there without knowing anything about eachother (literally -- all character sheets were completed without other players' knowledge).

  6. - Top - End - #126
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    I apologize for my lack of input recently. Life has conspired to keep me away from the internet for the last several days. Things should be normalizing soon, though.
    Want to meet some of the most awesome people on the internet? Come to the Baltimore/DC Area RenFest Meetup 2012!

  7. - Top - End - #127
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    Default Re: Iron Poet XVI

    Okay, now that the move-in's over with, I have some time to judge people. First, SaintRidley:

    Quote Originally Posted by LaZodiac View Post
    ...all I've got to say about that is "every time you shorten magazine into 'zine', I have to fight a tiger to death"

    And those are ENDAGERED you know.
    NOW SHE HAS TO KILL A TIGER. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.
    Anyway, now I'll judge poems .seriously though, nice job getting in the magazine.

    Prompt 1:
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    Haruki:
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    Genius. The four line stanzas, half reward and half punishment, werea nice structural outline to the elegant phrasing and beautiful concept. The story here is great, and you tell it well.

    TechWarrior:
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    Beautifully poignant, sir. The wistful speaker's pained remembrance of a loved one resonates deeply with me, and your words stir the soul.

    Verdict:
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    grah, you guys made this hard. I love both of your poems so much... but I have to give this one to Haruki, by just a hair.


    Prompt 2:
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    The Grimmace:
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    ...wow. You really don't write to be understood, do you? I think I eventually got this one though, so I can effectively judge it. I feel like this is sort of a processing of the picture, a mental deconstruction done through stream-of-consciousness and free association. Somehow, I like it. I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's a certain aesthetic appeal here that sort of grabs me. Well done.

    Weezer:
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    Much like your last, this is both short and sweet. Seriously, I love how efficiently you manage to evoke powerful emotions and capture the essence of the prompt.

    Verdict:
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    Again, you guys made this difficult. However, since I have to make a decision... Weezer.


    Prompt 3:
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    SaintRidley:
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    Neatly done. You gave us a clear, living picture of a motorcycle, without ever using the word "motorcycle". How do I put this... you showed us what it was, rather than telling us. Also, I don't know if it was intentional or not, but the play on "Ridley" to "Riddle" was fun as well.

    leakingpen:
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    Man, it sucks that you forgot. Don't feel too bad, though, everyone forgets things sometimes.

    Verdict:
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    SaintRidley, by default.


    Prompt 4:
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    Garwain:
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    Well, I definitely enjoy the story you tell here, but dear LORD do I ever not understand how you got that poem from that prompt. Other than that, though, it was beautiful.

    Silviya:
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    Sadly, sometimes life just does that. *hugs*

    Verdict:
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    Garwain by default.
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    BY THE HEAVENS! Dimonite! You are even more awesome than I thought!
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    *high fives!*
    That was awesome, made me smile.
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  8. - Top - End - #128
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    ...all I've got to say about that is "every time you shorten magazine into 'zine', I have to fight a tiger to death"

    And those are ENDAGERED you know.
    I'm just using their terminology. It's what they call themselves.
    Polling the Playground: How do you perceive my gender?
    Quote Originally Posted by The Giant
    Fantasy literature is ONLY worthwhile for what it can tell us about the real world; everything else is petty escapism.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Giant
    No author should have to take the time to say, "This little girl ISN'T evil, folks!" in order for the reader to understand that. It should be assumed that no first graders are irredeemably Evil unless the text tells you they are.
    Avatar by Kairaven.

  9. - Top - End - #129
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    Default Re: Iron Poet XVI

    'Zine' is just the term for a small magazine that operates outside the mainstream and has a small circulation. It is not the same thing as a magazine though, so those tigers are wrestled in vain, sadly.
    Awesome Lion Avatar by the wonderful Mr. Saturn. Thanks


    I have a bloog now. Go check it out if you love strange poetry.

  10. - Top - End - #130
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    Default Re: Iron Poet XVI

    Alright, judgement time.

    Prompt 1:
    Spoiler
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    Techwarrior:
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    Subject isn't exactly novel, but it was handled in an excellent, wistful manner that keeps it from feeling derivative. Picturing the tree as the grave of a loved one was an interesting way to interpret the poem. I loved the bits about "dancing in the eye of the storm" and a "wayward china soul". Overall, a wonderful, resonant poem.

    Haruki:
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    Very interesting. Some of the poem seems to depict the tree as some capricious deity, saving its chosen ones while letting the others burn. The latter bits of the poem seem to almost be an adaptation of those rags-to-riches folktales in which the protagonist, after achieving power and wealth, shares it only with those who helped him when he was poor. Very well done.

    Verdict:
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    Difficult decision, but I'm going with Techwarrior.



    Prompt 2:
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    Weezer:
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    A nice poem, describing the timelessness of photography in a poetic manner. However, it feels to me a bit... cliched, like I've read it before. It's well done, but I can't help but feel like it needs something more to set it apart from the crowd.

    The Grimmace:
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    Amazing. Through the joint use of metaphors, literalism, and wonderful imagery, you have described a camera and the scenes it contains in a truly original manner. If I provided a list of every bit of your poem I loved, it would make this review twice as long as the others. It made me think, it made me smile, it made me write this hopelessly gushing review. Truly brilliant.

    Verdict:
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    The Grimmace.


    Prompt 3:
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    SaintRidley:
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    Even if you had competition, I'm pretty sure this poem would get you to the semifinals anyway. The nicely done imagery and touches of anthroporphism form a great depiction of the soul, if you will, of a motorcycle. It also seems a bit, um... double entendre-ish, which may or may not have been your intention from the beginning. Overall great.

    Leakingpen:
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    Being forgetful doesn't mean you suck, it just means you're disqualified.

    Verdict:
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    SaintRidley, by default. Again.


    Prompt 4:
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    Garwain:
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    *looks at poem* Ah, very nice, very nice. *looks at prompt* OK, how on earth are these supposed to be related? That said, your poem is quite good, capturing both the potent love for one's firstborn and the pain caused by seeing them grow up with another.

    Silviya:
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    I'm sorry you missed this. It was due to factors beyond your control, though, so don't beat yourself up over it, OK? Disqualified.
    Verdict:
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    Garwain, by default. Again.
    I am a:
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    Two-handed martial reach weapon. I do d10 weapon dice, weigh 12 pounds, and belong to the Axe group.

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  11. - Top - End - #131
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    Judges

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    Yeah. The dirty double meaning is fully intentional. I modeled the poem after the "obscene" Old English riddles.

    And as for the Ridley/Riddle thing, there's no intent to that. Just happen to like Metroid is all.
    Last edited by SaintRidley; 2012-08-24 at 10:12 AM.
    Polling the Playground: How do you perceive my gender?
    Quote Originally Posted by The Giant
    Fantasy literature is ONLY worthwhile for what it can tell us about the real world; everything else is petty escapism.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Giant
    No author should have to take the time to say, "This little girl ISN'T evil, folks!" in order for the reader to understand that. It should be assumed that no first graders are irredeemably Evil unless the text tells you they are.
    Avatar by Kairaven.

  12. - Top - End - #132
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    So, are we going to wait for Alarra or move on with just 3 judges?
    At the heart of all beauty lies something inhuman, and these hills, the softness of the sky, the outline of the trees at this very minute lose the illusory meaning with which we clothed them, henceforth more remote than a lost paradise.
    -Camus, An Absurd Reasoning


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  13. - Top - End - #133
    Grandma in the Playground Moderator
     
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    Default Re: Iron Poet XVI

    Gah, sorry. I'll do this tonight.

    Edit: here you go...
    Judgments:
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    Prompt 1: TechWarrior vs. Haruki
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    TechWarrior
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    You had some nice use of language, there were some lines that I really liked. Overall though, the rhythm was a bit clunky and sometimes it felt like the stanzas were dragged out longer than I wanted them to be, lines tacked on that didn’t add to the piece but felt necessary to the composition. Your connection to the prompt was good and overall you did a fairly good job. Nothing really exciting though.

    Haruki
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    Nice rhythm, good connection to the prompt, and I like the message. A little heavy-handed, but not too bad. Not as lyrical as I would have liked, I see potential that’s unexplored. I’m not sure whether changing the rhyming scheme in the last stanza worked, but it wasn’t terribly jarring. Overall, good job but nothing that makes me say wow.

    Verdict
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    I found both these poems rather mediocre. I’m going to go with Haruki because of good rhythm.


    Prompt 2: Weezer vs. The Grimmace
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    Weezer
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    I liked your use of repetition at the end of each stanza, it tied things together nicely and added to the rhythm in a pleasing way. I liked your use of the prompt, but found that overall it was kind of superficial and I would have liked if you’d gone a bit further. Overall a pretty piece but not really exciting.

    The Grimmace
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    I actually really enjoyed this. The language was lovely, the description fantastic. I enjoyed the way you chose to use the prompt as well. The first stanza was clunky but I loved the next four. I think I would have liked it better if you’d turned the beach/sun into a one line description similar to the tree and bug and ended the poem with that. I wasn’t fond of the last stanza. It felt like you went from being delightfully vague, lyrical and metaphorical to much too literal. I would have preferred you to never actually name that it was a camera and let the description you built stand alone. Overall though, very nice job.

    Verdict
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    I like how you both focused more on the camera than the scene, that was interesting. The Grimmace did a much better job of it however.


    Prompt 3: Saint Ridley vs. leakingpen
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    Saint Ridley
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    Interesting. I don’t really have a lot to say here. It was a good use of the prompt. I liked the end particularly. Some bits felt a little heavy-handed, but overall it was nice. There were some very good lines and I liked the lyrical quality.

    Leakingpen
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    No poem

    Verdict
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    SaintRidley by default


    Prompt 4: Silviya vs. Garwain
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    Silviya
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    No poem. Sad, I like your stuff and was looking forward to it.

    Garwain
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    Um. Huh. I don’t get the connection to the prompt at all here. I don’t like this poem. The language is clunky, though I did really like the first two lines of the last stanza. Overall the rhythm and language felt kind of childish and cheesy, which can work when used humorously, but this didn’t seem like it was. Pretty disappointed, I would very likely not have sent you on if your competition had written something.

    Verdict
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    Garwain by default
    Last edited by Alarra; 2012-08-28 at 08:27 PM.

    I was outzombied by the baby!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amotis View Post
    Alarra ate all my awesome and now she's always acknowledged as awe-inspiring awesome. Alliteration aside, Alarra is awesome.

  14. - Top - End - #134
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    Default Re: Iron Poet XVI

    Thanks, Alarra.

    Umm, Zeb, think you can step in on prompt 1? I think we have a tie now there.
    Polling the Playground: How do you perceive my gender?
    Quote Originally Posted by The Giant
    Fantasy literature is ONLY worthwhile for what it can tell us about the real world; everything else is petty escapism.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Giant
    No author should have to take the time to say, "This little girl ISN'T evil, folks!" in order for the reader to understand that. It should be assumed that no first graders are irredeemably Evil unless the text tells you they are.
    Avatar by Kairaven.

  15. - Top - End - #135
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    Default Re: Iron Poet XVI

    To the judges:
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    I distilled the judging down to two comments:
    - no link to prompt
    - too little use of imagery
    Luckily for me, my competitors allow me another shot in the next round. But I feel the need to spill my thoughts as well:
    Use of Prompt:
    When I first saw the image, I quickly found the story I wanted to tell. I saw a kid, dressed up like hmm.... something with hmm... spikes? horns? rays? Ha! Maybe he's depicting the sun? Then I found: kid+sun? no wait: son+sun! Let's add Sin! Et voila, with these 3 words I saw the story to write.
    When I look back at the image with the words son and sun in mind, it's obvious to me, but I realise that it's probably absolutely not if you're not holding that key.

    Lack of Imagery:
    I played with 3 words of 3 digits, and used a simple AABB rhyme, which can feel too simple. I believe it's this simplicity Alarra calls childish and let to an underwhelming experience. (although it seems not to have bothered other judges) And... I agree in some way. The focus was more on the story, while other aspects of what contributes to a good poem were not up to that level. With the critics in mind, I see how it's a one-trick-pony rather than a well-rounded poem.
    Last edited by Garwain; 2012-08-29 at 02:30 AM.
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  16. - Top - End - #136
    Grandpa in the Playground Moderator
     
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    Default Re: Iron Poet XVI

    Yep, I'll be breaking the tie this evening and then setting up the next brackets so that the poets can have this weekend to get started.

    EDIT:

    I apologize for the brevity of my review. For what it's worth, I really enjoyed both poems.

    Spoiler
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    Haruki -
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    I really liked where you were going with this, but I felt the poem was a little disconnected. For instance, I don't really understand what the first stanza is trying to say. The last two stanzas I thought were beautiful and reminded me somewhat of Shel Silverstein's The Giving Tree.


    Techwarrior -
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    The imagery moved me though the wording sometimes tripped up my reading of your poem. Sometimes it feels like there's a predictable cadence and then that cadence vanishes at the end of a stanza. The fourth stanza, I'm not really sure why it's there. It doesn't seem to contribute anything but it puts questions in my head that are left unaddressed by the remaining stanza. I feel like the final product might have been better if it had just been left out.


    Verdict -
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    It was close, I really liked both of them in their own ways, but I have to pick, so I choose Techwarrior. It felt a smidge more finished to me.

    Congratulations to the winners of this round! I fully intend to have prompts and brackets up for the next round by tomorrow evening.

    Spoiler
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    In case you haven't been keeping a tally, the winners are Techwarrior, The Grimmace, Garwain, and Saint Ridley.
    Last edited by Zeb The Troll; 2012-08-30 at 01:49 AM.
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  17. - Top - End - #137
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    Default Re: Iron Poet XVI

    I just obtained my copies of Weird Cookies. Feels good to have your stuff in print.
    Polling the Playground: How do you perceive my gender?
    Quote Originally Posted by The Giant
    Fantasy literature is ONLY worthwhile for what it can tell us about the real world; everything else is petty escapism.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Giant
    No author should have to take the time to say, "This little girl ISN'T evil, folks!" in order for the reader to understand that. It should be assumed that no first graders are irredeemably Evil unless the text tells you they are.
    Avatar by Kairaven.

  18. - Top - End - #138
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    Default Re: Iron Poet XVI

    Just wondering, when can we expect the next bracket?
    Awesome Lion Avatar by the wonderful Mr. Saturn. Thanks


    I have a bloog now. Go check it out if you love strange poetry.

  19. - Top - End - #139
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    Awww..... well, that's too bad. Better luck next time, I guess.

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    He is... the most interesting Angel in the world.
    "I don't always keep spreadsheets over crazy voting patterns on the first day. But when I do, I'm the one running the game."


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  20. - Top - End - #140
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    Default Re: Iron Poet XVI

    Tomorrow morning, Zeb's forgetful. I scolded him for you.

    I was outzombied by the baby!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amotis View Post
    Alarra ate all my awesome and now she's always acknowledged as awe-inspiring awesome. Alliteration aside, Alarra is awesome.

  21. - Top - End - #141
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    Default Re: Iron Poet XVI

    This time the random prompt will be a phrase. As always, the phrase does not need to be in the final poem, but the judges should be able to get the connection.

    Old landscape
    TechWarrior
    SaintRidley

    Fake seclusion
    Garwain
    TheGrimmace

    The poems will be due by 23:59 Eastern Daylight Time, September 16th.

    Good luck, poets!
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  22. - Top - End - #142
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    Default Re: Iron Poet XVI

    Fake Seclusion
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    Title: Fake Seclusion
    It's quiet here. The words of silence
    are contained by the abbey walls.

    I sit here often on this bench.
    Alone, here in the flower garden.

    The sun gives warmth but as she sets
    it's time to go and join the meal.

    I obey the gesture and go to bed,
    and then the numbness starts to squeal.

    Shame and blame are nested deep.
    Untold horrors and regrets,
    are fighting me in my sleep.

    To protect me against it all,
    the leather bonds are tightly bound.
    My screaming echoes through the hall.

    After pills and morning pray,
    I'm released to get dressed.

    I'll take a walk and on the way
    trying to find my inner rest.
    My personal folder is a graveyard of ideas, stuck in their dream phase.
    The "DM won't kill us" attitude is a bubble that sometimes needs to be bursted.
    There's an armor variant rule in UA that will drastically increase character survivability without completely bubble-wrapping them in plot invulnerability
    Throphies won:
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  23. - Top - End - #143
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Zjoot's Avatar

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    Default Re: Iron Poet XVI

    Prompt: Fake Seclusion
    Title:Four Falsehoods
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    I.

    Lonely Earth

    The world is round;
    If you walk long enough in any direction,
    you will get very cold, or very warm,
    or very wet
    losing yourself in a world of ocean sounds,
    but ultimately, returning to a familiar climate

    II.

    Lonely Earth (part 2)

    The world is not flat.
    There is no edge to go free-falling off,
    and nowhere can you hear the rush
    of the salt-waterfall.
    And as sad as it would be to see belugas flying into the void,
    it would be worth it to sail the Flying Dutchman to Saturn or the moon.

    III.

    Steel Sky

    The sky is a hole in the sky.
    When there are no clouds to patch it up,
    you can see straight to God's kneecaps.
    It is both intense and baffling;
    the hole presses in and it is like you are being shrink wrapped.
    You can't tumble through; they plucked you to make fancy quills.

    IV.

    Unwanted Earplugs

    Space comes with silence.
    Batteries are included, but the boom box,
    well, the boom box fell out of the shuttle
    and there's no cell phone service;
    You can't call your grandma to talk about the worms or bad weather
    in a state you haven't been to in a while. In this way , space is earplugs.


    *
    Last edited by Zjoot; 2012-09-15 at 10:23 PM.
    Awesome Lion Avatar by the wonderful Mr. Saturn. Thanks


    I have a bloog now. Go check it out if you love strange poetry.

  24. - Top - End - #144
    Troll in the Playground
     
    SaintRidley's Avatar

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    Default Re: Iron Poet XVI

    Prompt: Old Landscape

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    The is that was will never be
    Seen by one with youthful eye.
    That world is dead and lives in memory.

    Where once there stood great mountains high,
    We have by human hand the land brought low,
    Seen by one with youthful eye.

    And down those slopes the river’s flow,
    Once free, now rages on the dam—
    We have by human hand the land brought low.

    Modernity—that great old sham,
    That worst of works—befell humanity
    (Once free) now rages on the dam.

    The organic world’s calamity,
    The interloper: so called DEATH,
    That worst of works, befell humanity.

    He took the world’s last natural breath,
    The interloper, so-called DEATH.
    The is that was will never be.
    That world is dead and lives in memory.



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    Yes, the title is intentional. It's a pun, not an eggcorn.
    Last edited by SaintRidley; 2012-09-15 at 01:16 PM.
    Polling the Playground: How do you perceive my gender?
    Quote Originally Posted by The Giant
    Fantasy literature is ONLY worthwhile for what it can tell us about the real world; everything else is petty escapism.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Giant
    No author should have to take the time to say, "This little girl ISN'T evil, folks!" in order for the reader to understand that. It should be assumed that no first graders are irredeemably Evil unless the text tells you they are.
    Avatar by Kairaven.

  25. - Top - End - #145
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Techwarrior's Avatar

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    Default Re: Iron Poet XVI

    Prompt: Old Landscape

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    In a Word: We Don't Know

    I wander a hollowed forest
    Burnt apart by a fire born
    In the heat of a passion crime
    As I try to recall the word
    That set this all to burning

    Trees who whisper a word once screamed
    Trees who speak with a tongue once known
    Speak to me so I understand
    Speak to me so I remember

    Trees why are you dead
    Trees why did you burn
    Speak the tongue that I once knew
    Please tell me all that I have lost

    Hollow forest, why don't you cry
    Broken forest, why have you died

    I stumble in my wanderings
    Upon the tool which started it all
    The wretched flame ablaze too long
    In the mirror of a lake
    As hollow as this forest

    I look into my own features
    Ash-splattered clothes and skin
    Fire-crazed eyes too wild to bear
    With a dementia none could understand
    And I wander farther from the sanity
    That I likely never had.
    Last edited by Techwarrior; 2012-09-16 at 10:47 PM.

  26. - Top - End - #146
    Troll in the Playground
     
    SaintRidley's Avatar

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    Default Re: Iron Poet XVI

    Hooray! Full turnout for a round!
    Polling the Playground: How do you perceive my gender?
    Quote Originally Posted by The Giant
    Fantasy literature is ONLY worthwhile for what it can tell us about the real world; everything else is petty escapism.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Giant
    No author should have to take the time to say, "This little girl ISN'T evil, folks!" in order for the reader to understand that. It should be assumed that no first graders are irredeemably Evil unless the text tells you they are.
    Avatar by Kairaven.

  27. - Top - End - #147
    Dwarf in the Playground
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    Default Re: Iron Poet XVI

    Great job everyone! Here are my judgments for round 3...

    Old landscape
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    TechWarrior : not sure if this is what you were aiming for, but I saw wonderful imagery of a war-torn forest, the pained vision of a lost/broken soldier; I could see the newly ravaged forest before the regrowth had time to immerge; the pain was clear and shock and grief well depicted; well developed cadence and good flow
    SaintRidley : wonderful imagery of the wilderness lost to the encroachment of civilization, the angered grief was clear and the frustration well depicted; I could almost see the old man looking into a concrete jungle with distaste as he wishes for the forest of his youth – mental afterimage?; natural use of rhyming scheme, natural flow though rough cadence
    Comment – overall both very interesting take on the same idea: both depicted a battered natural forest dead at the hand of mankind; TechWarrior’s depicted a more recent and sudden catastrophic loss, while SaintRiddley’s was older and more deliberate; both captured the emotions of the scene very well and it is a very hard call as they both reached very personal areas for me that I could sympathize with, so really the decision is less a matter of mechanics and more a matter of which one spoke to me on a deeper level…
    Winner TechWarrior


    Fake seclusion
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    Garwain : interesting use of the prompt – more of an enforced seclusion than fake, as the subject has voluntarily (for the most part?) removed himself from society to deal with crippling nightmares/flashbacks?; whatever the source, the subject cannot cope without aggressive intervention which is plaguing even the unaffected waking moments; the sense of pain and fear is evident, a looming terror when awake and overwhelming when asleep; the sense of melancholy well depicted; strong word flow, but probably could have been better emphasize if the cadence had shifted when moving between the scenes
    TheGrimmace : the poem started off very strong and clear, but soon evolved into something that I am not sure I understand in terms of story – was the subject an astronaut wondering into insanity as he sailed alone through space? – but I did enjoy several lines in the second stanza and even the early part of the third, but it flipped by the end into the incoherentness of the fourth; interesting pacing and word flow
    Comment – interesting that both the authors chose to look at the negative aspects of phsycological seclusion, though from differing angles; both had solid mechanics; while there was perhaps some minor stylistic effects that Garwain could have used to greater effect, I felt moved more clearly than by TheGrimmace; a close race but ultimately decided on the emotive impact the words conveyed
    Winner Garwain
    Last edited by Kalrany; 2012-09-18 at 12:16 PM.
    78% of all DM's start their first campaign in a tavern. If you're among the 22% who didn't, copy and paste this into your signature and tell us where you DID begin.The players were attacked individually on the road on the way to town by werewolves. To survive, they had to team up then and there without knowing anything about eachother (literally -- all character sheets were completed without other players' knowledge).

  28. - Top - End - #148
    Grandma in the Playground Moderator
     
    Alarra's Avatar

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    Default Re: Iron Poet XVI

    Judgments
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    Old landscape : TechWarrior vs. SaintRidley
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    TechWarrior
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    I liked this a lot. There was a clear event and voice and emotion. I did not like the second ‘trees’ verse and feel it could have been cut and improved the poem. It felt clunky and took me out of the rhythm I had established. Some of the verses had some really nice imagery though, I especially enjoyed the first and last verses. Good job overall.


    SaintRidley
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    I don’t know what I think of this. The repetition of lines is an interesting device, but at times it’s too contrived and can be almost distracting. I feel like there’s a lot of beautiful words that aren’t really saying a lot and I don’t feel really connected to what’s happening and there’s no real emotional connection. It’s very…detached. It connects well to the prompt though and there are some really lovely lines. I’m particularly fond of “the is that was will never be.”

    Verdict
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    Techwarrior


    Fake seclusion : Garwain vs. TheGrimmace
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    Garwain
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    I really like this. I’m a sucker for psychological stuff though. This really reminds me a lot of the stuff that I write actually. I like the idea of someone torn in two directions and you fit a lot of story and emotion and interest into a very short space. Very very good.


    TheGrimmace
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    This was good. Very interesting. I liked a lot of the images you presented and the metaphors. I didn’t like the way it was broken up though, it detracted from the reading and made it difficult to form any kind of rhythm. Really great writing though.

    Verdict
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    sigh… I really liked both of these, actually, liked them both better than either of the other prompt’s poems. I have to go with Garwain though.

    I was outzombied by the baby!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amotis View Post
    Alarra ate all my awesome and now she's always acknowledged as awe-inspiring awesome. Alliteration aside, Alarra is awesome.

  29. - Top - End - #149
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Dimonite's Avatar

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    Default Re: Iron Poet XVI

    Oh hey! Judgements! (sorry for the lateness of these)

    Old Landscape:
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    TechWarrior:
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    A post-apocalyptic madman, stumbling through the burnt remnants of a forest... I like it. Your imagery was fantastic, and you hit just the right pitch of nostalgia. Well done.


    SaintRidley:
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    I absolutely love the staggered rhyme scheme here. It's an aesthetically pleasing play with language that you executed quite well. Also, the repeated phrases between stanzas were a nice touch, adding an even greater feeling of connectedness throughout the poem. Again: great work.


    Verdict:
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    Oh, you had to go and make this difficult for me, didn't you? ...I have to go with SaintRidley, by a microfraction.



    Fake Seclusion:
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    Garwain:
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    Seclusion as a function of insanity - very nice. While I like the description of the madman, the poem overall seems somewhat... scattered. I'm not sure how to explain it, but the structure seems to have been hastily and somewhat sloppily built. Sorry if I'm being mean.


    The Grimmace:
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    Insanity as a function of seclusion - very nice. I like the structure, I like the themes, I like the titling... Actually, I can't think of anything I don't like about this poem. Very well done.


    Verdict:
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    The Grimmace.
    Quotes!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elemental View Post
    BY THE HEAVENS! Dimonite! You are even more awesome than I thought!
    Quote Originally Posted by CurlyKitGirl View Post
    *high fives!*
    That was awesome, made me smile.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Witch-King View Post
    THIS aberrant, ancient evil ain't no playa! I'm gonna take care of my little Meduthids and my Spawnling Mama! Besides which--the Old Ones know the Elder Brain keeps pestering me about giving it some Grandspawnlings...
    The Neutralizer - my 3.5 class that attempts to make wizards less OP.
    Fantastic dragonpuppy by Cuthalion

  30. - Top - End - #150
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Halberd's Avatar

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    Default Re: Iron Poet XVI

    Don't worry, I'm not gone. I'll start working on my judgements soon.
    Edit: Here they are!
    Techwarrior vs. SaintRidley- Prompt: Old Landscape
    Techwarrior:
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    This was excellent, really giving the feeling of tortured grief at the senseless destruction of nature. The parallelism of the lines to each other really intensifies this feeling quite nicely. I feel as if the forest is connected to the speaker's sanity- if one burns, the other does too. A few bits seemed slightly awkward, but overall well done.

    SaintRidley:
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    A strange poem. The repetition of lines seems to make the poem flow strangely. Rhymes are well done, though. So far as its actual content, it's quite nice, like a regretful dirge for the destruction of the natural world. The speaker seems to be remembering the "old landscape" when he was younger and lamenting how it will never be the same. Very interesting.

    Verdict:
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    Both were very creative, with some excellent lines, but Techwarrior's poem evoked something stronger and more emotional, as well as flowing better.

    Garwain vs. The Grimmace- Prompt: Fake Seclusion
    Garwain:
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    Interesting idea, although the speaker's seclusion within the abbey walls seems real enough. Nice contrast between the calm waking moments and the tortured sleeping ones. On subsequent readings of the poem, I feel a lingering sense of unease even as I read the calmer parts, knowing that this is merely a meditative facade over an insane reality. Excellent.

    The Grimmace:
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    Like both of your previous poems, this one straddles the nebulous line between beautiful imagery and incoherence, although it doesn't feel as well-crafted as the others do. I'm not quite sure what it's trying to say. I would guess the stanzas are describing various forms of seclusion while the title states that they are "four falsehoods". But why they are fake never seems to get explored, thus leaving the poem with a vague, unfinished feel.

    Verdict:
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    This is not how I expected this matchup to go, but I think that Garwain has crafted a chilling yet thoughtful poem that easily claims victory.
    Last edited by Halberd; 2012-09-25 at 05:50 AM.
    I am a:
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    Two-handed martial reach weapon. I do d10 weapon dice, weigh 12 pounds, and belong to the Axe group.

    Many, many thanks to kpenguin for the amazing avatar.

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