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  1. - Top - End - #1351
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    GuesssWho's Avatar

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    Far Realm
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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Not even Rusty&Co?
    Cthulhu fhtagn R'lyeh!
    Quote Originally Posted by Nerd-o-rama View Post
    There were other programs that were deleted, but they either go quietly or spend the rest of their existence sitting around babbling about causality. Smith's different. He gets deleted and he's like "Hell no, I'm staying. And I'll steal your kernel privileges and spam copies of myself onto every last thing on the hard disk. How d'you like that?"
    Degeneration 91
    Homebrew:
    Anglermaids

    Wendigo Race
    -Complicated Wendigo Race
    False Hydra (Goblin Punch)

  2. - Top - End - #1352
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Planetar

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    Mar 2008

    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    A funny piece of social roleplaying from a campaign I wasn't in but heard about:

    The Accidental Wedding
    The PCs are guests of honour at a society wedding. In fact, the Witch and the Paladin are, respectively, chief bridesmaid and best man. They are having to try and jolly things along because the bride and groom have had a falling out and are not speaking to each other. A dear old soul of a Bishop who is conducting the ceremony is not only blissfully unaware of this but is elderly, a little confused, and slightly deaf.

    The Witch has been looking after the bride's wedding ring and has accidentally got it stuck on her own finger, for which it is a couple of sizes too small. She is trying to remove it, with the aid of the Paladin, while the pair whisper at each other furiously over this annoying incident.

    WITCH: Will you get this @#$%ing thing off my finger?
    BISHOP: mumble mumble mumble mumble so long as you both shall live?
    PALADIN: Well, if you stop wriggling all the time I WILL!
    BISHOP: mumble mumble mumble
    PALADIN: Aaargh, woman, you never help!
    BISHOP: mumble mumble mumble mumble take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
    WITCH: Oh yes I DO!
    BISHOP: (beaming seraphically) I now pronounce you man and wife!
    WITCH and PALADIN (together): OH NO!!

  3. - Top - End - #1353
    Pixie in the Playground
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    Apr 2017
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    Where I'll never be found
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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Monk: I hide behind the cleric
    Cleric (me): I HAVE ONE HIT POINT!

    Later,
    Me: So, a monk is is always treated as armed, right?
    DM: yes
    Me: So a monks body is treated as a weapon?
    DM: yes...
    Me: I have a spell that shrinks weapons and stores them in my sleeve
    Quote Originally Posted by Grey_Wolf_c View Post
    No, it's obviously a darker and edgier version of The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

    GW

  4. - Top - End - #1354
    Pixie in the Playground
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    Jan 2018
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    By the sea
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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    We used to have a player who was the WORST at everything he did. He would do needless, reckless, senseless things in game that randomly got his characters, (and others' characters) killed, cursed, or screwed on a regular basis. This was 1E/2E. But I can see the humor in much of it. Case in point:
    Characters:
    Robo the Paladin (me)
    Martigan the Fighter (Antonius)
    Klaw the Assasin (Jim)
    Banquo the Thief (Fred)
    Jun the Cavalier (Bob)
    Nanuk the Paladin (Nate)
    Krill the half-vampire bugbear (don't ask) with questionable class (Adam, the problem player of this post)
    DM (Tom)

    Our characters were doing a standard dungeon crawl adventure module that was 1E (cannot recall the name), but we were using 2E characters and rules. We happen upon a room with only one doorway, but no visible door (should have been a hint right there). In the middle of this otherwise-empty room was a normal-looking wooden table with about 8 gems of different colors atop it (again, suspicious).
    All the characters except mine entered the room with no hesitation (true paladins know no greed). All the players and their respective characters told Adam, and his respective character Krill, to NOT touch the gems until they could study them closer and glean more information about them (i.e. check for traps).
    Well, Krill, paying absolutely no heed to anyone, grabbed the red gem that was on the table. The doorway was suddenly blocked by what I can only describe as vertical "magic laser bars".
    All the players and characters shouted in unison for Krill to stop, and do nothing further. Krill then THREW THE RED GEM directly at the "magic laser bars" successfully hitting one of them. The gem EXPLODED upon contact, and the DM rolled to see who was hit by the flying schrapnel.
    Well, Martigan, who was the "lucky" winner of the "schrapnel-to-the-head award" failed his Constitution save, and was knocked out cold. The players and their characters now yelled even louder for Krill to not touch anything else. Krill now proceeds to immediately grab the blue gem. The walls on either side of the room start moving towards the characters. The players and their characters continued to shout for Krill to touch nothing else. Paying not the slightest notice to party or imminent peril, Krill now grabs the green gem. The ceiling of this room now starts collapsing towards them.
    Ignoring all the hysterically screaming characters that are all around him, Krill grabs the purple gem. Now spikes appear on the still-moving walls. By this time all the characters are bellowing like rabid bull apes for Krill to stop touching gems.
    Still not one to learn from his mistakes, Krill then grabbed the black gem. Now tons of sand starts pouring into the room from the still-collapsing ceiling.
    Within a matter of seconds Adam's bumbling character Krill managed to set off a containment-trap, knock out the only person in the room that was capable of getting them out of it (Martigan), cause the walls to compress towards the party, collapse the ceiling, spike-adorn the aforementioned already-deadly moving walls, and cause suffocating sand to fill the room (which stopped the walls, spikes, and ceiling collapse, but smothered to death all the party members in that room).
    The only reason that he did not set off anymore traps was because the sand buried the remaining gems so that he could no longer see them to grab them. Had it been possible for him to continue grabbing gems, I guarantee you he would have set off every single death trap in that room.
    My paladin spent hours digging the characters' bodies out of that mess before somehow bringing them back to life. The other players were so angry at Adam and his character, but all I could do was laugh my head off.
    Last edited by DarkFather; 2018-01-10 at 11:54 AM.

  5. - Top - End - #1355
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    dehro's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    on one hand, this is hilarious... on the other hand, why did nobody try to tackle the moron away from the table? acting instead of shouting their heads off might have saved some of them.
    I'd say everybody (except you maybe) is at least partially to blame for the near TPK on this one, including the DM for not making everybody roll for initiative and make them realise they could have done more

    on another note.. what was the player's excuse and was it good enough for you guys to keep playing with him or did you kick him out?
    Last edited by dehro; 2018-01-10 at 05:36 AM.
    Huzza! for Linkele, for drawing the bestest avatar ever!
    Quote Originally Posted by LaZodiac View Post
    Lincoln's a fartbutt
    Quote Originally Posted by kpenguin View Post
    Cursed zombies are more realistic.
    Spoiler: siggatar and previous avatars.
    Show

    the Badass Monkby Avi. Aktarus by Chd. Dehro by Wojiz


  6. - Top - End - #1356
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    PaladinGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Godbound campaign:
    It's not so much a linear story as more our Gnome artificer with the words of Artifice, Knowledge and Earth trying to break the DM in multiple ways.

    Belwar: I make a set of binoculars to look at the city.
    DM: How are you making them in the middle of a field?
    Belwar: I use a multitude of sticks and grass to make them.
    DM: How are you making the glass?
    Belwar: *long pause followed by innocent voice*.... Wishful thinking?

    Oberon: So how often do you get attacked out here?
    DM (as villager) Once or twice a month.
    Belwar: I can fix this. Castle. *uses word of Earth to bring up a castle from the very ground*
    Oberon: *looks outside* You do know that after the fourth or fifth time, it's loses it's shock value?

    Oberon: *using Sun power to see through a dense wood at a bunch of hiding were-wolves.* Belwar, could you let them know we know they're there?
    Belwar: Sure! *a stone sign arises out of the earth in front of them, with the words* We can seeeeee you. *engraved on them*
    Oberon: *pauses, as the wolves flee* Not exactly what I had in mind.

    *Belwar has been making a 20ft causeway of stone through the forest due to an earlier incident with some vampire thorns*
    Oberon: *as we approach the elven city* Belwar, could you take us back down to ground level, before we alert and scare the elves?
    *an arrow whistles from the nearby trees and embeds itself in Oberon's shoulder*
    Oberon: *sighs and lifts his arms in surrender* Never mind.
    Currently taking part in Godbound campaign:
    Oberon, level 2 Dragonborn paladin, Godbound of Sun, Fertility and Health:
    Famed for:
    1) Cutting a Drider Godbound in half with a greatsword
    2) Challenging an Ent Godbound to a fist fight sans godpowers, and winning
    3) Single handedly walking the city as a miniature sun and convincing all the rioting citizens that, no, the gods are not dead.
    4) Buying an apple.

  7. - Top - End - #1357
    Pixie in the Playground
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    Jan 2018
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    By the sea
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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    on one hand, this is hilarious... on the other hand, why did nobody try to tackle the moron away from the table? acting instead of shouting their heads off might have saved some of them.
    I'd say everybody (except you maybe) is at least partially to blame for the near TPK on this one, including the DM for not making everybody roll for initiative and make them realise they could have done more

    on another note.. what was the player's excuse and was it good enough for you guys to keep playing with him or did you kick him out?
    Our DM (Tom) did not like Adam or his ridiculous antics any more that we players did, but he ALWAYS made sure that his stupid actions resulted in his character having to pay the maximum penalty. Tom was not the type of DM to throw ANY player out of his Dungeon, but he certainly believed in allowing them to be made to suffer the consequences of being a moron.
    And you noticed the obvious problem in the "Gems of Doom" story. The other players/characters TOOK NO ACTION to stop Krill's ridiculous behavior. Because no one called this, initiative was never rolled, leaving Adam's character free to continue being a total screw-up.
    Adam/Krill seemed to think that, "If I grab just ONE more gem, then all of this perilous danger occurring to my party, to which I am completely apathetic toward, will somehow no longer matter".
    And the characters in the room with him seemed to think, "If I yell at Krill just ONE more time, THEN he will not grab any more gems".
    Adam made no excuse for his actions, and did not even attempt an explanation or an apology. And my paladin had to use a Wish spell or something to bring them all back. And I received no thanks for it from Adam either.

  8. - Top - End - #1358
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    dehro's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Huzza! for Linkele, for drawing the bestest avatar ever!
    Quote Originally Posted by LaZodiac View Post
    Lincoln's a fartbutt
    Quote Originally Posted by kpenguin View Post
    Cursed zombies are more realistic.
    Spoiler: siggatar and previous avatars.
    Show

    the Badass Monkby Avi. Aktarus by Chd. Dehro by Wojiz


  9. - Top - End - #1359
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    RangerGuy

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    Jan 2018

    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    After completing the final encounter of our campaign, my party, consisting of a Half-Elf Ranger (myself), a Half-Orc Barbarian, a Tiefling Rouge, and an Aasimar Bard, began looting the area.

    Our Barbarian found a +1 Magic Longsword and both our Bard and our Rouge wanted it. Having already successfully seduced multiple creatures and a couple non-living items, the female Bard decided the best course of action would be to expose her breasts and try to use them to get the sword. Not willing to give up the weapon, the female Rouge followed suit.

    Our poor, dumb, male Barbarian didn't know how to handle four breasts staring him down and he looked to my Ranger for help. Knowing just what to do, I went up to my party members and said,
    "Ladies, ladies. Can you please calm your tits?"

    The party died laughing, but our DM was fed up with our BS at that point.

    Somehow, a lighting bolt came down into the underground complex we were in and killed me. It was a fine death.

  10. - Top - End - #1360
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Beholder

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    My wimpy kobold monk got critically bit by the avatar of a god, almost killing him at max hitpoints.
    Then, with one Nat 20, he was back up, and beating the crap out of the God.
    DM's law; Don't tell them how stupid their idea is until it is already too late to reverse it.
    Generation 20. Every time you see a generation, copy it into your Sig and add one. This is a social experiment.

  11. - Top - End - #1361
    Barbarian in the Playground
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    Jun 2013

    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Vampire the Masquerade campain

    One-legged Brujah with high celerity.

  12. - Top - End - #1362
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    Beholder

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    Jan 2018
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    Paranoia land
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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    I'll just give the story of my name. I don't really have stories I that can be told via forum.
    The party enters a dungeon. Fight through a few pretty basic enemies, and then they reach of room crewed by a few smoke mephitis and a buffed fire elemental.
    Cut to a few turns in, no one has been knocked out, the mephitis are dead, and our Dwarven Monk takes a swing at at the elemental.
    He misses.
    His response:
    "Oh my god, are we fighting a Tarrasque in Fire Form????????"
    This has become so much of a meme that we now have a character played by a different player who believes in the Tarrasque in Fire Form as a god.
    My group is weird.

  13. - Top - End - #1363
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    Kobold

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    Nov 2017

    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    I've told a piece of this story on another thread, but I feel like it needs to be put here.

    The characters:
    Eli Brandyboots, Chaotic Evil Halfling Sorcerer (Me)
    Conner Dynamar, Neutral Evil Human Warlock
    (There were several others, but none are important to the story)

    We were playing a low-level dungeon crawl, and had just defeated a group of skeletons. The DM informed us that after the battle ended, a panel opened in the wall, revealing a chest. Connor was absolutely obsessed with loot, and was closest to the chest. He opened it, and inside was a perfectly cubical blob of green slime (we never found out what it was for, it may have just been random). I had gained inspiration a while back for making an OOTS pun (I can't remember for the life of me what it was ), and I asked the DM if I could use it to cast Mage Hand fast enough to grab the slime before Connor could get it. The DM allowed this, and a few Investigation checks later, we still have no idea what it does. But before someone could cast Identify, Connor decided Eli needed to be punished for stealing his (useless) loot. He bashes Eli over the head with his magic shield.

    Now this shield was called, I believe, the Shield of Guarding. It had nothing to do with guarding. Instead, it caused a random, potentially very overpowered magic effect. In the past, it had turned a high-level monster into a unicorn mount. It could have been game-breaking, I now realize, but Connor's player rarely showed up and it was really just used as comic relief. So anyway, Connor bashes Eli over the head, and this is the resultant conversation:

    DM: Okay, let me roll on the random effect table... oh gosh.
    Party: ...
    DM: Eli, there's a huge flash of light, and... you're turned into a woman.
    Party: Bwahahahaha!
    Me: Permenantly?
    DM: Heh. Yep.

    In a completely uncharacteristic flash of quick wit, I asked the DM if my sexual orientation also changed with my gender, to which he responded in the affirmative.

    Me: Perfect. So, Connor... *Moves Suggestively* ...are you doing anything later?

    It was hilarious, trust me. The newly-renamed Eliza constantly taunted Connor, whom never gave in to her romantic pursuits. In fact, I think he only ever showed up for one more session...

  14. - Top - End - #1364
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    PaladinGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by Braininthejar2 View Post
    Vampire the Masquerade campain

    One-legged Brujah with high celerity.
    Bob, aka Robert Holmes in my campaign. A Sabbat Salubri, known for having all 5 ranks of Obeah. As an NPC was not killed for being a healer because, in the words of his sire "He is too damn useful." When I took him over, I spent a year maxing his Obeah and Celerity stats, and got him to Fort 4. Decent marksman, plus healer.

    Now, the funny part. The ST's had this plot line going. The One Ring of a Chinese Emperor had been stolen by a bunch of werewolves, they were going to gift it to the volcano spirits to curry favour and have them destroy the city, ending the game. The Sabbat as a whole went to negotiate, but the volcano spirits considered anyone on a path evil. So me, two Brujah, a Tzimisce who was basically the closest thing to a Camarilla power manipulator we had in the game, and a Gangrel had to go down there and negotiate. That negotiation became a fight between 3 werewolves and an unknown spirit. They preferred melee, Bob does not, so half the fight was Bob using Shepherd's Watch to protect himself and his Brujah allies while simultaneously healing said allies, as the werewolves kept bouncing off the bubble.

    As one volcano spirit said after the fight: "I name you my champion, for the most defensive offence I have ever seen."
    Currently taking part in Godbound campaign:
    Oberon, level 2 Dragonborn paladin, Godbound of Sun, Fertility and Health:
    Famed for:
    1) Cutting a Drider Godbound in half with a greatsword
    2) Challenging an Ent Godbound to a fist fight sans godpowers, and winning
    3) Single handedly walking the city as a miniature sun and convincing all the rioting citizens that, no, the gods are not dead.
    4) Buying an apple.

  15. - Top - End - #1365
    Barbarian in the Playground
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    Jun 2013

    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    I read the story, expecting it to be a set up for some kind of Eye of Sauron joke
    Last edited by Braininthejar2; 2018-01-12 at 06:17 PM.

  16. - Top - End - #1366
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    HalflingPirate

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    I already put this(Sort of)in the famous last words thread, but I thought I could put the whole story here.

    We were playing the Lost Mine Of Phandelver, and we had reached the Young Green Dragon. The Barbarian and Fighter both had the good sense to hide and try to attack it from a range, and everybody but me, the Paladin, and the Cleric had gone. I thought, "Hey...I'm a dragonborn...maybe I can reason with this beast!" I know, I know, not the smartest. Anyway, on my turn, I stepped out in front of the dragon and yelled, and I quote, "Mr.Dragon?! Can't we just talk about this!?" I roll persuasion, which I have +5 to, and...2. So, the dragon sprays me with poison, which I fail the saving throw on, and I start rolling death saving throws. Or I would have! The Cleric went after the dragon, and he brings me back up to half health! The DM lets me move my Paladin behind my rock as I make a mental note to myself that dragons don't take kindly to dragonborns.

    Not sure if you think that's funny, but I think it is!
    I'm new, so if I seem strange or unintelligent about these forums, just say so. I won't be offended. Probably...



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