More Funny D&D Stories

[Vessyra]

The players had recently set fire to a necromancer's house, and as the players watched from afar, one of them turned to me (I'm the DM) and said,

"So, the roof is made out of slate, which is sort of rocky, right? And it's about to collapse?"

Me: "Yes, it is slate, and it is sort of stoney"

Player: "Rocks fall, everybody dies"


It is also a new campaign (and my first time DMing), and it's so funny how much they managed to do in the first session. For instance: Tom Cruise now exists in my D&D world

[DonLouigi]

All Right. This happened in our last D&D-5 session. Centerpiece of the story is a rather minimum-communication moon druid.

The Party was exploring a cave network and saw a goblin, who had seen their torches and was now running from them. The druid decided that the best way to pursue was as a large spider, because they can climb walls and were pretty stealthy while still combat-effective.
Problem: He did not tell his colleagues about his strategy. He had never even explained what wildshape entailed exactly. They had seen him change form before, but only into a bear and while I think they at one point had talked about him being able to also change into a cat (for scouting purposes), they were definitely not used to their comrade becoming anything other than a bear.
Since they had not given a marching order, it was determined via dice that the druid was bringing up the rear. So the next thing the party knew, a silently stalking large spider overtook them walking on the ceiling and scuttling off into the darkness in front of them. When they turned, their fourth man had vanished and no trace was to be found. First they were contemplating attacking the spider, but as it had ignored them, they didn't want to provoke it. So they started doubling back, looking for their druid, of course not finding him.
Druid, meanwhile, did not catch the goblin but could see an encampment of enemies a little ways behind a corner so he decides to wait at that corner for the party and draw a skull with the spidery net ability as a warning (since it was ruled that no, this would not be precise enough to write words).
The party came back, thinking now that maybe the spider had eaten their comrade. They were additionally confused because they interpreted the drawn skull as a threat, but the spider made no attempt to attack. So now the Barbarian sat down and cast his speak with animals ritual, while the other two carefully watched and guarded the spider, that facepalmed with two of its leg and then proceeded und klick its legs impatiently. After the ritual was complete they could finally ascertain that the strange spider was, in fact, their lost brother-in-arms.

[Wildstag]

This story takes place in a game played during a road trip. On the way back from Seattle in July of 2014, four friends crammed into one Prius decided to play a road-trip game on the way back to D.C. The names will be abbreviated as T, A, C (narrator), and I (will be bolded for the story to differentiate from the personal I).

T had the idea of asking A (who was our dm) if we could roll d20s for stats. A accepted under the condition that you roll once and keep all the results. T rolled amazingly high, with only one score below 10 (which he put in his Charisma); he played a Kobold Grapple-Monk. I rolled pretty average, with only one high stat (which he put in Charisma); he played a Half-orc Draconic Sorcerer (for flavor, he was born with the scales). C rolled three great scores, two abysmally low, and one average; he played a Dwarf Plant-Growth Druid with a 3 Dexterity and 5 Charisma.

T's kobold was a wandering monk who was on a quest to become strong enough to wrestle and defeat a devil that killed his kobold tribe. I's half-orc was an illusionist that made money playing minor tricks on the street for dwarves and humans. C's dwarf was the mining-town farmer that grew mushrooms from the town's waste. He always kept a few stashed in his beard and he often smelled of the waste he clumsily fell into. He grew poisonous mushrooms that were edible to dwarves but almost deadly to the humans in their town a few miles away. Oh and the dwarf also wore a beerhat.

The meat of the story picks up when we were trying to cross a mountain range. Because of his high Constitution score and his single Barbarian level, C's Dwarf was often the front-liner, letting one or two people get by so T's kobold could grapple one and I's half-orc could kill the other with his greatsword. While crossing the mountains, a band of orcs attacked us in the night, and the trio was in danger. As T and I were busy killing off the stragglers, C was busy fighting an orc barbarian... and losing. When C fell (With a 16 Constitution score, he was at -13, important later), I and T hurried over and killed the raging barbarian in a battle that almost got themselves killed.

Heavily injured and with an unconscious Dwarf, the surviving two set up camp and set about their special healing process for C. T used his tribe's special "Moon Treatment" to help C's dwarf recover without being finished off by a hungry wolf. This "Moon Treatment" involved covering the unconscious Dwarf in as much feces and detritus as possible to mask the scent of his blood, while burying him in a hole that left only his head above ground.

After the first night of this, I's Half-orc realized that this was a terrible plan, and they decided to just push through the mountains without sleep and get him to the town on the west side of the mountains (they were travelling west, so this was their destination anyway). Through four days of recovering without any magical way of healing, C had finally recovered enough hit points to be one day away from recovery (he was at -1 hit points).

Then T had an idea. I'll try to summarize the conversation as best I can.

T: Hey A, I have a question.

A: Sure, what do ya got?

T: If beer-hats exist in this world, then shouldn't defibrillators?

A: You don't have a defibrillator though.

T: Yeah but I can cast Shocking Grasp, the same principle should apply, right?

A: You can try if you think your character could rationalize it.

I: All right, I cast Shocking Grasp on C's hairy chest.

A: Okay roll 3d6.

T: Wait why is he rolling for damage you said it would work‽

A: No, I said you could try. I made no promises about it's ability to work.

I: Dang, I rolled 14.

C: What the hell, now I'm closer to death than I was when the orc knocked me unconscious!

A: All right, C is now at -15 hit points, stable, and has a large hand print burn scar above his heart.

T: Oh sorry C, I didn't think it would hurt you.

C: A BEER HAT AND A DEFIBRILLATOR ARE ON TWO DIFFERENT TECH-LEVELS!

T: No hard feelings?

C: I'm stuck in the car with you for another 1300 miles, so yeah, I'll try to let it go.

Realizing they'd almost killed C, I and T decided to seek out a professional healer. The town healer was an alchemist that lived outside of town about a mile. She came into town each morning and left each evening. So I and T sat by the West Gate from sunrise when it opened to around noon, looking for this healer. After a while, they realized they'd never actually figured out what the healer looked like, so they were just sitting around like idiots for half the day. They decided to ask where the healer lived and sought her out the next evening. Finally, C was able to recover, though when he woke up, he found the Handprint-burn-scar had healed improperly and was now a golden-colored scar; and worse, it was permanent.

Some other misadventures happened both before and after this incident, but this has already been a long story, so I'll pass the buck off to the next guy.

[TrT8r]

Reminder-Try to keep posts simple and to the point. Thanks!

[Ixidor92]

So in our 5e campaign setting the party is attempting to overthrow the dragon emperor. A man who has transformed with the power of an ancient artifact into a dragon and now commands power over their kind. Said emperor also has humanoid agents throughout the land that are either dominated or serve him in exchange for power.

Long story short, we are going after an adult dragon who seemed to be caring for a wyrmling dragon in the mountains. This dragon had reportedly been eating dwarves within the land, and all sent after it had been killed. We find this dragon, and it only spots our paladin, Zelenor. The two end up talking, instead of attacking each other on site.

Over the course of conversation, the rest of the party (except our rogue) came out of hiding, it is revealed the dragon was a mother who had been caring for her child in difficult conditions (neither of them were dragons native to arctic or mountainous regions) and had an agreement with the lord of the dwarves in the area. Who as it turns out was serving the dragon emperor of his own volition. (we have found out that female dragons, particularly mothers, are able to resist the power of the dragon emperor's domination). That deal was she would kill his political rivals, and in exchange he would not reveal her location to the emperor. Our dwarf Werdok (who personality-wise is a fairly stereotypical dwarf) said she had still killed many dwarves, regardless of circumstance, and that she should be slain. Most of the party did not agree with this at this point. He suggested bringing the dragon back to the frost mountains to be held on trial, of which both she and most of the party were skeptical would be fair or even realistically possible. Zelenor though... is a bit of an odd one. He happened to be the highest rank in our party (the party is serving a military group, of which some of us are members), and declared that we would hold the trial right then and there.

So a session that we all expected to be just a long combat with said dragon to end a menace against the dwarves instead turned into a courtroom scene as Zelenor presided as judge, werdok acted as prosecution, and our Aasimar acted as defense. I as the druid was acting as secretary (and in fact have the whole case typed out in a .txt file on my computer). As my friend put it: "We came in expecting to play monster hunter, and ended up playing Pheonix Wright."

[thorr-kan]

So a session that we all expected to be just a long combat with said dragon to end a menace against the dwarves instead turned into a courtroom scene as Zelenor presided as judge, werdok acted as prosecution, and our Aasimar acted as defense. I as the druid was acting as secretary (and in fact have the whole case typed out in a .txt file on my computer). As my friend put it: "We came in expecting to play monster hunter, and ended up playing Pheonix Wright."

You do *NOT* get to end a post like that. What was the verdict!?

I *love* it when sessions take a left turn like this. My players do it to me all the time.

[Ixidor92]

You do *NOT* get to end a post like that. What was the verdict!?

I *love* it when sessions take a left turn like this. My players do it to me all the time.

For closure's sake: Said Paladin Judge declared her guilty of conspiracy to murder, but not murder itself (those were judged to be on the head of the dwarven lord). And she was to be exiled from the mountains. Afterwards we went to the dwarven lord and found out he was a frost giant in disguise--and THAT gave the massive boss-fight instead of the dragon. Party is currently escorting said dragon down from the mountains :3

As a side note: everyone in the party has officially given up on trying to predict what our paladin will do at this point.

[thorr-kan]

For closure's sake: Said Paladin Judge declared her guilty of conspiracy to murder, but not murder itself (those were judged to be on the head of the dwarven lord). And she was to be exiled from the mountains. Afterwards we went to the dwarven lord and found out he was a frost giant in disguise--and THAT gave the massive boss-fight instead of the dragon. Party is currently escorting said dragon down from the mountains :3

As a side note: everyone in the party has officially given up on trying to predict what our paladin will do at this point.

That is both awesome and *doubly awesome.*

Thank you!

[Samwich]

I feel slightly guilty, because earlier today, one of my players rolled two Nat 20s in just an hour, and both of them were harmful to him.
The first one was in a tomb they were exploring. In Indiana Jones fashion, when they removed the crystal they were looking for, a trap was triggered that started flooding the room. A large, heavy stone slab fell across the only door to the room, but since the door was blocked by a waterfall, they couldn't see that happen. So the player declares, "I'm running as fast as I can for the door," and rolls a Nat 20 to run fast. So I tell him: "You run with the speed of a cheetah, the grace of a gazelle, and you smash headfirst into the rock currently blocking your escape." Despite the resulting concussion, the players all survived.
The second Nat 20 was mostly his fault. He was worried that other people might be after the crystal, so before travelling to the inn where he was going to meet his buyer, he made a disguise kit check and got a Nat 20. Unfortunately, the disguise worked so well that it fooled the buyers guards, who denied the player entrance, insisting that he had no business with the boss. The player, however, had a -1 modifier to charisma, and decided that he never wanted to take the disguise off, knowing that he would never make a better one. And that's how I ruined Critical Successes for my party.

[TrT8r]

Reminder-Try to keep posts simple and to the point. Thanks!

[dehro]

Reminder-Try to keep posts simple and to the point. Thanks!

Reminder-Try to keep posts simple and to the point. Thanks!

This confuses me

[TrT8r]

I accidentally hit undo and hit post.

[Steve Edwards]

In one of those fabled instance when someone rolled a natural 1 three times...


We encountered what we now call call a "giant death golem"
The thing was like a jaeger so it wasn't active. It was also made out of a precious mineral we all wanted.

We entered its ankle and walked up its leg into its chest where it had a hangar bay for flyers to enter.
Then we walked up into the head which looked like the bridge of the enterprise.
Sitting in the captains chair was the biggest fattest ruby, that should have been a glaring red flag for us.
We did briefly take it out to realise it was a anti magic field suppressing the golem.
After looking around we found a hidden door but couldn't open it, I got out my pick axe and begun to punch a hole through the door but poisonous vapors began seeping out of the hole.
We left for the poison to clear but we noticed it had built up and was now pouring cloud poison out of its hangar bay chest.
We decided to send in our only player who was immune to poison and he went up back into the head filled with poison and removed the ruby to see if the golem was friendly or not.
The room began to move, player in the head had to roll a Dex check to see if he could hold his footing.
...1...
He slid out into the neck stairs.
The golem began to move as the rest of the party watched as the golem looked at a seagull flying casually past and distinct rated it with its single eye lens.
Meanwhile the player in the neck tried another Dex check
...1...
He was now the golems shoulder level.
The golem started to walk away, and launched out gargoyles from his chest which some of them swooped down to fight the rest of the party
Again the player in the golem tried another Dex check
...1...
He slid out into the chest hangar bay.
The dm ruled if he got another 1, he would fall out of the hangar bay doors and fall.
He rolled
...2... The dm said he fell down the leg of the creature.

Long story short, the golem walked away faster than we could move and ended up in the empire homelands which resulted in many many many deaths before they eventually took it down.

But at least we have the ruby.

[Vessyra]

My friends and I decided to do a level 20 battle Royale where each of us got to play three characters. I decided to make one of my characters a rogue, but to give him the ability to sneak attack if no-one else is around, I multi classed him into an oath of vengeance paladin to get Vow of Enmity. (Advantage on all attacks against one creature for a minute, and advantage can grant sneak attack)

After a few rounds of combat, the monk that had been helping the rogue/paladin sget neak attack was killed by the enemy bard. Now, I like to give a reason for my vow of enmity, so with the rogue/paladin's turn up next, he looked the bard in the eye, and pushed his hair away to reveal a scar on each of his cheeks. He then said,

"My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father.

Prepare to die"

[The Bandicoot]

Through various shenanigans while advancing our "Save the world from Orcus" main plot the DM has accused us of trying to set up a Shadowrun-esque mega-corp in his magitech homebrew D&D world.

So far we own a high-end bordello, high-end bar, high-end restaurant, brewery, and fast airship. For some odd reason the druid is the secretary for all these businesses.

Also the rogue/son of an exiled prince is engaged to the princess of the local kingdom whose king isn't long for this world.

[CosmicHobbit]

This was funny to me at least. It's pretty long, so I'll put it in a spoiler.

Spoiler: The Story

Show

The Important Party Members:
Orryn, the pyromaniac gnome wizard
Roland, the half-elf bard
Ghesh, the dragonborn paladin

So, my group was playing the Hoard Of The Dragon Queen, and we had just left Greenest, and Orryn started tracking the Kobolds and Cyanwrath. We eventually came to a valley where 4 cultists and 8 kobolds were cooking food. Now, what Orryn's player means by "pyromaniac" is that whenever Orryn sees fire, he immediately runs toward it and starts making it bigger, no matter what. I know this, having seen it at Greenest, so I immediately say, "I put Orryn in a full nelson." Not the best playing, I know, but it's the first thing I thought of. So, we do opposed Strength checks, which I easily win due to a +5 Strength modifier. So, now Ghesh has Orryn in a full nelson. Guess who decides to cast Charm Person on me? That's right, Roland. He apparently thinks Charm Person means "Enslave Person". We explain that that's not how it works to him, but he's unfazed, proclaiming that he will roll persuasion to get me to stop. He has a +8 to persuasion, so I get ready for Orryn to run to the fire. He rolls, and says, "16 total." I say that I'll roll a Wisdom saving throw against that, because that makes sense. I have a +3 to Wisdom, so I still am expecting to fail. I roll, and proudly say, "16!" So, I don't let Orryn go. Then, I have an idea. Ghesh leans down to Orryn, who's kicking Ghesh in a rather...shall we say, uncomfortable area. He says into Orryn's ear, "Do you want the fire?" Orryn doesn't listen. More forcefully this time: "Do you want the fire?!" Orryn nods, still kicking. I then throw him at the group around the fire. The rest of the party has been goofing off, and so has no idea what's happening when the DM says, "Initiative!" Those of us who were actually playing D&D roll.
Ghesh: "6."
Orryn: "5."
Roland: "...3."
Well, crap. This'll be fun. That's when we ended the session. I'm morbidly excited for next session.

[bc56]

I like this thread so much, I'd better post on it.

Spoiler: Cast and Crew

Show

PCs: (all 10th level)
Arboreas: wood elf assassin
Kothar: lizardfolk devotion paladin
Euclid: half-elf wild sorcerer

Sub-PCs: NPCs the players run in combat (all level 5)
Avashel: high elf abjurer
Beshenal: dragonborn light cleric
Osarkar: dwarf champion fighter
Renet: half-troll (homebrew race) hunter ranger
Yigvar: kobold champion fighter/rogue
Arjhan: dragonborn thief

True NPCs:
General Payorin: a secretive immortal dragonborn war hero in hiding.

Monsters:
Gragrool: Oni, leader of the trolls in the area. He wants revenge after the PCs foiled an earlier plot.
The Triad: Three aberrations with a score to settle against Payorin. They are ridiculously strong, because the goal of the encounter is to drive them off, no expectations that the PCs, even with help, will defeat them. Charo-green Gormin-blue Omiz-red. They all have similar, but unique abilities, and they synergize well with each other.
A random troll: minion of Gragrool

Spoiler: the battle (took a whole session)

Show

The PCs are founders of an adventurers' guild, which the sub-PCs are members. The PCs are contacted in the dead of night via Sending that their city is being attacked by trolls. They Teleport in, assess the situation. At this time, two trolls were killed by the lower-level adventurers, and Arjhan is out scouting. Fearing that Arjhan may be captured and replaced by the shapeshifting Oni, Euclid and Arboreas advise Avashel to cast defensive spells on the guildhall entrance (namely Alarm) then go hunting trolls. They find a troll, kill it, then return. After they get back, Gragrool is spotted with a troll, approaching the guild. Arboreas sneaks around and attacks him, using a magic item which is essentially an exploding dagger. The other party members unload various fire attack spells, such as Flaming Sphere and Fireball (all three full casters know fireball). Gragrool rolls low on initiative and dies in the first round. The troll rolls even lower, and is killed when Kothar and Osarkar unload full rounds of melee attacks onto it.
There's a round of silence.
Then the Triad attack. They broke a hole in the wall of the guildhall and stabbed Payorin (ending his unnaturally long life) the previous round. Omiz rolls a low stealth, and his actions as they move to ambush the party are heard by everyone, because he slams a door. Charo quickly casts Invisibility on himself, and Gormin gets a number above 20 to hide. Euclid then comes in and uses Hold Monster on Omiz. Subsequently, everyone rushes to see what's going on. Arboreas sneaks in the way the Triad entered. Some epic fighting stuff happened. Avashel went down twice, Omiz was tanking a lot of attacks, but he used Tenser's Transformation for temp HP.
Then the big thing happened. Kothar activated Searing Smite, then crit on Omiz. He decided to burn a third level slot for smite. 60some damage. Second attack. Crit again. 60some damage again. Omiz goes down and starts bleeding out. Osarkar goes next and hits the unconscious boss, forcing him to fail 2 death saves. Charo steps in. No matter what, Omiz will die without a nat 20 on his next death save, so Charo casts antimagic field. Beshenal promptly steps in and uses his breath weapon. After ~10 minutes of discussion and internet research as to whether breath weapons work in an A-M field, Omiz died. Needless to say, the Triad ported out immediately, especially when a new surprise ally that they know from their past (an who's supposed to be dead) showed up.

It was a fun session.

[Vessyra]

DM: "You see the yeti, but you aren't close enough to reach it with your axe. What do you do?"

Dwarf: "I throw the elf at it"

Later on, while laughing about it, someone joked about how that should be how the dwarf searches for traps. The dwarf's player then replied with a smile, "Well, why do you think that I work alone?... now, that is".

Second story: afterwards, we found the deceased mayor encased in a block of ice. Since the elf didn't know how human biology worked, he decided to attempted to resuscitate him. A natural one (total of zero) later, and the elf began punching the mayors body in an attempt at CPR, and when that failed, he drew his word and began stabbing him in an attempt to wake him up.

[bc56]

During a climactic bossfight which was a follow-up to the climactic bossfight in my previous post, one of the bosses cast Incendiary Cloud, filling a big area with flaming ash. The paladin threw down a scroll of Snare in a doorway, then the two bosses who didn't cast Incendiary Cloud got caught in the snare, inside the cloud. The sorcerer then cast Wall of Fire around that, and the weaker wizard cast flaming sphere adjacent them. Both bosses took an absurd amount of fire damage each turn for being adjacent all these effects, and they couldn't escape because they kept failing Dex saves. It was hilarious.

[Thaumic]

In the last session of a 5e travel-across-the-planes-type campaign I'm running, the party (which consisted of a Cleric, a Sorcerer, a Paladin, a Monk, and a Fighter) were fighting several Red Slaad in Limbo. The Fighter was being seriously damaged by one of the Slaad and no one was really able to help her, and eventually she fell to 0 HP. The Cleric was on the opposite side of the battlefield, and he wasn't able to heal her until the battle was over and she had failed two death saves. While she was being healed, the party decided to scan the horizon for a Githzerai temple they were supposed to find for plot reasons. I had everyone roll Perception checks, and they all did poorly except the Fighter, who got a natural 20. So I narrated the scene by saying "everyone watches their nearly dead friend in anguish, fearing for her life... when she suddenly shoots up from the ground, points past you into the distance, and shouts 'I've found the temple!'" The party made her roll every Perception check for the rest of the session.

[jojo]

Well...

My most recent character was named "The Incomparable Khalid." True Neutral, Variant Human, Rogue, Mercenary Veteran who served with the Blue Falcon Brigade from the age of 10 to 25. At time of death he had a passive perception score of 21, for which our GM had zero respect.

He died by "majestically riding a unicorn" off of a cliff after convincing the party of (mostly) "good" guys to go with the expedient option of "just kill Ireena" in CoS. Don't worry, he was the last man standing.

Ridiculous things Khalid did include:

-Formed the Barovian Inquisition and declared himself "High Immolator." Our Battle-Cry was "Everyone expects the Inquisition! Nobody expects the consequences!"
-Distributed carved Barovian Inquisition tokens to unwitting "accomplices" to stoke Strahd's paranoia.
-Burnt down approximately 2/3rds of the Village of Barovia without consequences.
-Burnt Strahd in effigy, many, many times in many permutations.
-Spit directly in Strahd's "F**k-Face."
-Used basic engineering to collapse the ritual chamber in the Death House.
-Urinated on and killed Strahd's Dire Wolves with complete impunity, because Trees.
-Survived a TPK, prompting Ismark to commit suicide after another party member killed Ireena to make Strahd cry.
-Employed middle-school debate tactics in conjunction with Post-Secondary level understandings of both epistemology and moral relativism alongside grade-school mockery to successfully convince the GM that this was "Neutral Good, like... at worst."

The best part is that within the context of the campaign up to that exact moment the only logically consistent possibility was that by riding off of the cliff Khalid would end up in Castle Ravenloft. No, I am not even slightly exaggerating, a body of evidence was compiled, considered and tested first. Also, the horse did not protest in the slightest.

[Genon]

I'm mostly a freeform roleplayer and have never actually played D&D, so sadly I won't be sharing any Dungeons and Dragons stories. But I do play plenty of fandom games, and am an experience freeform roleplayer. So expect plenty of those.

I'll start with one of my more recent stories, from an ongoing Dragon Ball Xenoverse freeform game. If you don't know the plot of Xenoverse, basically, we're time police.

Now, given that alternate timelines were a key factor in the game, that enabled more...out-there character types. In my case, I went with a power-armor wearing cyborg optimized for stealth, complete with a background as an assassin and a Swiss-Army-Weapon-style blaster that drained my ki slightly every time I fired to match my power level.

Due to a certain scene involving Goku and a blaster in Resurrection F, the GM ruled that ki users need to "block" enemy attacks with their power or their durability doesn't mean jack ****. In other words, ki users can be taken by surprise to nullify all of their superhuman durability. This, coupled with the blaster's sniper-rifle configuration and occasionally poison or tranq rounds, was the linchpin of my strategy. That said, virtually every team member except one has interesting ways of punching above their weight (one has a fighting style similar to akido, enabling them to take on people three times stronger than them and win by tiring them out to the point where their power level drops and then finishing them off, another has extremely-dangerous psychic abilities, mind-reading, and portal generation, another can compress Death Ball-levels of ki down into a tiny point and unleash it in the form of a much smaller blast to hit several harder than she is supposed to at the cost of tiring her out, and yet another is both a very dangerous mage and the Legendary Super Saiyan of her timeline).

Well, come the second arc, the GM splits up our team into three groups and we're sent to different timelines. Me and the akido guy go to the Cell Games, where every Z-Fighter and Cell have been driven into homicidal madness by magical obelisks laid in the area by the Big Bad.

Now, none of these characters are allowed to die, since that would break time further and potentially leading to the entire timeline ceasing to exist under the strain of the paradox. And of course, I'm a stealth character, so I cloak (which also hides me from ki sense) and head directly for the obelisk immediately (after a subplot involving a base full of Time Breaker goons hidden inside a mountain there, anyway).

Then the GM decides to have Full-Power Super Saiyan Vegeta and Perfect Cell, both fighting each other, burst through the cliff face where the obelisk was hiding, right in front of my character. Seeing as I can't kill either of them, even in self-defense, due to time-travel, both of them are at high enough power to paste me on contact, and the obelisk was right there, I ignored them and moved to disable it with the magic talismans I had been issued specifically for the purpose. From there, I tried to deliver the obelisk for study, we had a boss fight against a magic-crazed Yamcha once the seemingly-disabled obelisk dumped all of its energy into the poor guy as a last-ditch move just before the talismans took effect, yadda yadda yadda standard Dragon Ball stuff.

Well after that arc concluded with a resounding success, the GM hinted over Discord that we had done better than we were supposed to over the majority of the game. I asked him for specific examples to satisfy my ego, and he wrote to me: "[You were supposed to lose in Arc 2 because] I expected you to fight Cell."

Yes, you read that right. He expected the stealthy, one-hit-kill character who relies almost exclusively on surprise and sneak attacks to take out stronger opponents than herself to fight PERFECT CELL, who was not only stronger then her, BUT COULD REGENERATE FROM ALMOST ANY INJURY SHORT OF COMPLETE ATOMIZATION! The only person who wouldn't consider Cell an outright instant lose condition in my position is a complete moron!

When I rightly asked him what the hell he was thinking when he designed that, he told me a series of horror stories about idiot rogue-archetype players outright trying to brute-force their way through similarly godlike enemies and expecting to win. And apparently, he was so used to these idiots that his idea of idiot-proofing an encounter like that was to assume I was an idiot like them and design the encounter around that assumption.

We all had a good laugh about it, though, since in the end, the arc still played out fine and we all had a good time. He's also greatly improved as a GM since that incident (the game has been running for about two years now, and we've all gotten more experience), and the game's become a lot more complex and interesting since then.

[Vessyra]

In my first campaign that I have DMed, the players had been investigating a noble of a city. The players had discovered that a noble was plotting to start a war against the draconian empire. (An empire of chromatic dragons and subservient dragonborn). Secretly, the noble was doing this so that the dragons would wage war against the rest off the world, leaving it ripe for conquer.

However, there was one, minor, unrelated thing: the noble also had a bunch of wizards working to build an airship, and had used a loophole in the contract to keep them working for longer with less pay. This was totally, completely unrelated to the plot, but the players decided that freeing the wizards was the only thing that mattered.

And by the only thing that mattered, I mean that, after freeing the wizards, the players just left. Walked off to the sunset, not giving a second thought to the massive war that the noble was planning.

I wonder whether the players will remember the little war that they abandoned when a draconian army comes flying in after a few sessions.

Second story:
Me: "After your character opens the bank vault door, you can see a halfling and gnome rifling through the drawers. Two elven monk bodyguards, seeing you, charge forward-"
Player: "I close the door and shut them in there"

[VeroChampion]

I've been running a Campaign with a group of newbies for about five weeks. But these guys are wonderful! I've had so much fun in the short amount of time that I've been DMing for these guys that I have to provide the Playground with at least one or two stories. I'll leave the cast above the few stories I have.

Spoiler: Cast

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Ulric Divad, Half-Orc Barbarian/5 - A Man of little Wisdom Ulric has earned his keep being the teams "shoot first and then shoot again." style fighter. While he isn't much in the way of strategy he is the team's tanky-story driver, leading them into battles without much more than a simple "kill em all". Ulric also has a very Black and White view of life meaning when he fails to kill a villain or complete a mission you can bet your ass he'll be drinking himself into one of the Nine Hells.

Amaya the Rougish One, Half-Elf Rouge/5 - An assassin for a cult turned petty thief Amaya is the group troublemaker. She constantly is planning to steal, poison, or otherwise exercise the power of her immense DEX score. Amaya is very connected to the Goddess of Goodness (known as the Mother) and the God of Evil (known as the Brother) who are both working to make her their warlock. Amaya is very fond of money and shiny things. Very very VERY fond of shiny things...

Baeik the Comedian, BugBear Fighter/5 - A BugBear who is known for his savage humor and cutting wit. Played by a friend of mine who took this particular pathway so that he could "Take off the Filter" Baeik is constantly cutting down baddies using both his battleax and his sarcastic wit.

N'Amilis the "Nixling", Nixling Druid/5 - A homebrew race of constructs a Nixling is a strange creature. Simply put they are a race of elementals powered by nature magic and a "battery". N'Amilis may be seventy years old but he isn't very good with social interaction nor anything else that's social... at all.

Morzan BlackThorn, Human Bard/5 - The sex-crazed jokester and naive wanna be fighter of the group. While he's not as tanky as most of the other player Morzan's fighting style consists of attack, miss, and heal from near death with cure-light. Morzan is usually seen wearing his sexy maid disguise.

Nemier Vaaj, WereTiger Ranger4/Artificer1 - The Moral Compass and overall "do-gooder" of this band of Misfits Nemier is the basic savior of the group. Armed with Artificer's Thunder Cannon and ranger spells he puts out heavy damage from long range. He's the tactician and the thinker of the group.

Now that the cast has been covered we can get on with the stories.

Spoiler: The INFINITE cave!

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After being put into prison due to a series of unfortunate events (Morzan's tavern being burnt down and a few assault charges) the party has been forced to go and clear out a cave on the outskirts of town. The cave, notoriously known for its cave rats (not rats at all, rather big nasty cave bugs), is being overrun by the populace and prisoners are commonly sent there to kill a few and come home. They arrive at the cave and begin milling about, scared to enter. Baeik seizes the opportunity to tell a joke into the cave to see how deep it is.

Me: Wait, Like EchoLocation?
Baeik(OC): Exactly.
Me: Okay... Roll performance and perception?
Baeik(OC): *Aces the Performance roll and then nat 1's a perception check*
Me: You tell a wonderful joke into the cave and listen closely for the reply. To your surprise, the echolocation information you received back informs you the cave is in fact Infinite.
BaeikOC: Guys. I think this cave is infinite.
Group: WHAT?
Morzan: Baeik, the world is FLAT. It couldn't be infinite! *rolls persuasion and fails*
Baeik: But the cave is Infinite. *rolls persuasion and succeeds*
Morzan: I now see the error of my ways... all hail the infinite cave.

The group proceeds to, with the knowledge of the newfound discovery, plan ways to make the most coin off of the new cave. The ideas ranged from selling Infinite Cave Rat skin to pelters to mining it until it wasn't infinite. Of course, they gave up on ever venturing into the cave (a one-floor dungeon) for fear of "Being lost for the rest of eternity".

Spoiler: Never touch a Scared Cleric

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The Group of heroes has been looking for a place to stay and come across the "Eldwood Inn". They enter to see an old woman crying silently, she also happens the be the InnKeeper. They approach and she divulges she's worried for her GrandDaughter. Her mother went missing and She herself can no longer take care of the GrandDaughter so she's going to have to put her up for adoption. The players, needing a room and feeling for the GrandMother, make a deal saying that they will get 1-year free lodging if they can find the Daughter. They are directed to a temple in the woods which used to be home to a cult of the Goddess of Sin. Clerics, like the Daughter, are usually sent there to research the dark culture to better combat their evil's but she hasn't returned. It was supposed to be completely safe. The player wanders the dungeon and finds the woman in a strange room in the temple.

Ulric(OC): I run over to comfort her.
Me: She is unaware of your presence, so you probably should say something first.
Ulric(OC): Nope, Just gonna run over and hug her.
Me: Well... roll intimidation. She's terrified of a giant half-orc running at her in the temple of darkness of course.
Ulric(OC): *rolls enough to scare her*
Me: she jumps in fright and screams saying "don't hurt me anymore!". Roll initiative.

No one is able to calm her down, so Morzan decides to cast sleep. Half-Elves are immune to sleep. Ulric readied the action to try and tie her up if Morzan cast a spell, so he runs to grab her. She uses her reaction to blast his ass with guiding bolt resulting in about twenty damage. He fails his grapple check and her turn comes around in the order. She blasts him again. Ulric is reduced to a crumpled pile of moaning, smoking, flesh as the radiant damage knocks him unconscious. After a few more rounds the players are able to calm her down enough to where they can return home. When they do the GrandMother speaks to them:

GrandMa: You look like you got hit by a hill-giant.
Baeik: More like b****-slapped by a girl.
Ulric: The light.... it buurrrnnsss.

Spoiler: Eric, Slayer of Wolf

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Everyonce in a while I as a DM make a mistake. Eric is the most glorious mistake I've ever made. The party comes across a crooked circus run by a goblin. I described it as a seedy din where your wallet will defiently disappear. Of course they decide to venture into it anyway because they have a theif of their own. At the front gate stands a clown with a spiked bat. This is where my mistake is made... The "Clowns" here were supposed to never ever speak. First thing I do is greet them.

Eric: Hey there guys! You here for the Show?
Amaya: Yes, we are... Why do you have that?
Eric: This? *holds up bat with nails in it* Oh, My job is to beat up the wolves. Duh.
Baeik: Wolves?
Eric: *points to a pile of dead wolves*
Baeik: Oh, well Wh--
Eric: WOLF!
*Wolf proceeds to jump out of the grass aiming for Baeik's neck. Eric bats it into the oile of other dead wolves.*
Group(OC):*Dies Laughing*

Fast forward a little bit later and the wolves have gotten smarter. From hanging on threads like spider man to using trap doors they attempted everything. Eric was not fooled, he killed them all, landing them in the pile with 100% accuracy. And with that Eric, Slayer of Wolf, was born.

Spoiler: If you give and Orc Flaming Arms...

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One of my BBEG's is a blackmarket dealing mage. He is tired of the part and eventually gets his hands on Ulric's prized weapon. His Glaive. Of course, being a master of magic and trickery, the Mage decided cursing the weapon would be the best course of action. And by God he was right. He cursed the glaive with "Fire Feind Arms", a curse which wreaths the afflicted person's arms in fire. Ulric, knowing that his Glavie had been lost to the Mage who is KNOWN for cursing things (many cursed items have been seen this campaign), decided to just pick it up. Que curse activation.
Ulric(OC): Wow, that's pretty neat!
Group(OC): Yeah.... that's not really a curse?
Me: Just wait.

A few minutes later...

Ulric(OC): As I walk into my room--
Me: You opened the door?
Ulric(OC): Yeah?
Me: The door is on fire.
Group(OC): WHAT?
Me: He has hot hands.

A few minutes later...

Ulric(OC): I make my way to the Tavern to drink--
Me: You sure? Fire and Ale don't mix...
Ulric(OC): Wait... I can't drink?
Baeik(OC): Ohhhhh, hit you right in the coping skills...

A few minutes later...

Me: so if you touch yourself you burn, if you open the door it catches fire... basically you are stuck in the room until someone helps you out.
Ulric(OC): I jump out the window.
Me: you stand in the streets covered in glass percings, which you can't remove because of the fire, and dripping with blood. People are staring at you.
Ulric: Help me...
Me: They run.
Ulric(OC): I chase them
Group(OC): oh no...

And so giving a Half-Orc Flaming arms is fun for the whole family!

Spoiler: Why are we being paid in armadillos?

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After a few encounters and a fairly rough night, the group wakes up to the Inn owner calling for them downstairs. They go quickly, expecting something bad, but are surprised to find a beat up Kenku leaning up against the wall.

Kenku: Clawed One?
Group: What?
Kenku: Needs Clawed One.
Group(OC): So we have to dissect small sentences now, huh

After a long and sort of convoluted discussion with the Kenku, the players are offered a gad of gold as payment. They have no clue how much it is and really don't feel like asking the Kenku so they all roll perception. 4 16+'s and 2 nat 1's later we have this interaction.

Vaaj: So fifty gold, to stop this gang?
Kenku: Yes!
Amaya: Is there more? maybe?
Kenku: Yes!
Amaya: I'm in.
N'Amalis: Are you aware you speak in words with no more than three syllables?
Kenku: Yes!
Morzan: *Whispers* Guys... he's holding a head *points to gold*
Ulric: Morzan, you've seen me hold worse. He's perfectly trustworthy!
Baeik: Okay... I'm confused. Why are being paid in armadillos?

Morzan and Baeik never found a real explanation on what exactly went on that morning.

[RXDDragonblade]

In the current 5e game I am a part of, the party has used some unorthodox methods.

First the party
Me, the human fighter
A klepto tielfing rogue(stole a book made of bacon from a library)
A half-elf sorcerer that is basically Lenin
A half-elf bard
A dwarven paladin that role plays like a jehovah’s witness but for tyr
And a dwarven cleric
Note: Only the cleric and the bard have ever played before.

So first session, no dwarves yet, the party comes to a small mountain village that doesn’t seem to get a lot of visitors. And we make an entrance, the tiefling using thaumaturgy to create a small earthquake and the sorcerer using minor illusion to play the imperial march as we walk in to the town.

After terrorizing the townsfolk for information about our main quest, we bunk down in the inn, my fighter taking watch. At this point, my fighter notices a group of people entering the boarded up church in the middle of town in the middle if the night. Suspecting a cult of some sort, we try to sneak in and investigate...in the least defensive order possible, being first the squishy sorcerer, then the equally squishy rogue, then the surprisingly healthful bard, then me, the only combat effective member of the party at this point.

So we enter this church. The rogue gets punched in the face by a random guard, we find out that it isn’t a cult, it’s a hospital, and the party splits for not the first time in our first session. The serious half, me and the sorcerer, enter the church proper and learn of a curse and the god Lethander. The other half, the rogue and the bard, sneak into the basement, break open the sarcophagus of a long dead paladin, steal an amulet from his corpse, the make “holy water” by mixing the dust of his long decayed flesh with some wine, which they have been trying to force on the party ever since.

A couple sessions later, the party(+dwarves-bard and rogue) enter a cave and fight some kobolds. The sorcerer pulls a cursed sword from an altar, and subsequently names it Leopold, we fight a mecha-kobold made of two kobolds stacked on top of each other inside a giant pile of scrap metal, and the sorcerer convinces them that he is their god.

Meanwhile, the bard and the rogue have entered a pocket dimension owned by some immortal shopkeep. The rogue almost died fighting a dretch. And they traded the bacon book for a broken warforged.

The most recent session, again missing the dwarves, consisted of us trying to get into a city that had been walled off. My character(with a negative charisma mod btw) managed to convince a guard to give us a way into the city: the sewers. We travel to the sewers and, thanks to the sorcerer’s pyromaniacal tendencies both ic and irl, he decides that we shouldn’t enter the enclosed chamber full of flammable gas when we need a torch so one of us can see. His response was instead to chuck a fireball down into the sewer, causing an explosion large enough to create a small earthquake and setting fire to the large amounts of waste that our characters then had to walk through.

And then we fought a ninja zombie that managed to dodge the sorcerer’s burning hands twice, and managed to tank a spear going straight through its head and then four more rounds of combat. Fun times

[Spore]

For instance: Tom Cruise now exists in my D&D world

Newbs. We have created our version of "Chuck Norris jokes" in universe. And this wasn't the only instance where we delegated adventures to NPCs.

We were entering a small town in the woods, where we had to meet a well informed tavern owner to track down our half-elf ranger's royal but estranged father. My alchemist inquires whether there is anything special about the tavern. I jokingly add: "Well, you know, he might be a retired adventurer." The DM doesn't respond but I see nothing out of the ordinary. So we have a clue to check our ranger's mother's old hut.

We quickly find out she was a vampire hunter but was killed in action by said vampires who still roam the place, specifically a keep in the vicinity. So we go back to town, asking the barkeep if he knew about the vampire slayer. He responds that he knew, and that he hunted alongside her. He just didn't know her son was in our party. He mentions his whole name, after which the DM just proclaims: "Everyone knows Levin Hartman. Legends have it, his radiant smile could evaporate vampires on the spot." to which I add: "Ah yes, Levin Hartman who once brought a vampire back to life with a Heal check." and "Levin Hartman does not hide. He just does not want to be seen and everyone pretends to not see him."

When we were asked to deal with the vampire infestation, we just shrugged and say: "If Levin Hartman cannot deal with it, we can neither." We talked with the lady of the area who sent another adventurer guild to deal with it. (OOC we knew it was the LE half-fiend red dragon empress who sent wanted war criminal to toy with a few vampires. Maybe the vampires even added to the guild's ranks. IC it was a sensible choice).

But I am still bummed out that they screwed us out of a haunted castle filled with vampires.

[Vessyra]

We ran a level 20 one-shot. A rolled up a tiefling sorcerer and choose my spells. Just before we started, I had one spell left to choose, and after much deliberation, I choose teleport.

It turns out, when you're level 20 and defending the world, the world is BIG. So we used teleport a lot. What's bad, however, is that whenever you teleport, there's a small chance of a 'mishap' (typically 15%), which means that everyone takes some damage and you roll again, with the small possibility of rolling another mishap.

Due to some absolutely terrible rolling, we were taking mishap after mishap after mishap and we bounced around the world. Once, we ended up suffering 6 mishaps in a row. The chance of that happening is 0.00113906%! (And, as is only natural, that happened when we were teleporting in to save a city from a dracolich and a... CR 26 evil bad creepy thing.

And it turns out, the DM was keeping a tally on the damage. By the time that the session was over, I had done over one thousand three hundred damage, split among the party members. I'm never learning that spell again.

The next week, we went back to the campaign where I DM. The players had captured a gnome, and when she tried to escape, they knocked her out. Now, the oath of vengeance paladin is particularly greedy. However, since they had already looted her for everything but the clothes on her back the first time that they had captured her, one would think that there is nothing to be stolen. But he did steal something.

He stole her spleen. He stole the gnomes SPLEEN, dangled it in front of her during her interrogation, then shoved it in his bag of holding to sell on the black market later. Eventually, the paladin did get what was coming to him when he decided to put two captured thieves in his bag of holding.

[Kiuntoshi]

So I was Dm'ing a game and the players where in a town overrun by undead.
The party had just finished fighting a group of scarecrow-like zombies with watermelons and pumpkins for head when the monk (who had a habit of getting covered in monster guts) finished off the last watermelon zombie and the watermelon fell on her head. The barbarian mentioned that he liked what she did with her hair, so she said she wanted to throw the watermelon at him. She Rolled a triple Nat 20 on the throw. Took me a minute to decide what to do since she obviously wasn't trying to kill him and a character kill seemed unfair for this, I had the God of Chaos in my world intervene and replaced the barbarians head with a jack-o-lantern watermelon.

The player loved it. During perception checks he would mutter "watermelon senses don't fail me now." He was offered ways to remove it by several NPCs and refused each time. He got a Maul shaped like a watermelon and became known as Argrobark: The Watermelon Warrior

[Spore]

The sorcerer then cast Wall of Fire around that, and the weaker wizard cast flaming sphere adjacent them. Both bosses took an absurd amount of fire damage each turn for being adjacent all these effects, and they couldn't escape because they kept failing Dex saves. It was hilarious.

It was hilarious.

Actually this sounds disturbing. It's like burning at the stake not with magical fire.

[Lord Torath]

Actually this sounds disturbing. It's like burning at the stake not with magical fire.

Depends on whose side you're on, and your definition of "Hilarity" (panel 5)