More Funny D&D Stories

[snailgosh]

This happened in our last session.

Our group (Barbarian, Bard, Monk and myself the Psion) was tasked to end the wrongdoings of a necromancer and to retrieve his holy symbol. Through some lucky rolls we found out his name was Basilius and he was a follower of Afflux, a god of torture, undeath and knowledge and were able to get some additional info on that god.

Later we embarked on our quest and tracked Basilius down in a stonehenge-esque formation, protected by his undead minions. We took potshots at the undead who where hesitant to leave the stone circle while Basilius hid in a magical fog and sent spells in our direction. Meanwhile my psicrystal snuck up on the necro undetected through the adjecent underbrush.
Having just learned the telepathic speech, my psicrystal sent these words directly ito the necro's head:

Basilius, these petty intruders are not worth your attention! All the pieces are finally in place and it is time to set the plan in motion.
You unveiled many a dark secret in my name, my son, and have shown both skill and devotion to my cause.
You filled my ears with the joy of many a desperate scream.
For this, you shall be rewarded. I chose you to become the harbinger of my Bloody Inquisition.
Relieve yourself of your mortal shell! Offer me your final pain and agony and you shall rise anew as my undying champion to spread news of the grim future ahead.
Then the intruders will be the first of many to fall victim.
Fear not. Everything will be clear once you achieved your true form.
I have placed my trust in you. Do as the Bloodfather commands, Basilius.

Basically, I was hoping I could bluff him into suicide and was ready to spend a Fate Point on that.
Little did we know our DM was planning to have him transform right from the beginning!
no bluff check needed, cue (prepared in advance) sound file: "HAHAHAHAHAAAA...Now you will witness my TRUE FORM!!"

So the necro suddenly transformed into a hulking mass of warped flesh and charged.

Psion: "Guys, I think I just made a terrible mistake."

So both the GM and our group had each other baffled. Had been a great session. (Our barbarian managed to take him out with a x4 scythe crit by massive damage rule ^^)

[illyahr]

Little did we know our DM was planning to have him transform right from the beginning!
no bluff check needed, cue (prepared in advance) sound file: "HAHAHAHAHAAAA...Now you will witness my TRUE FORM!!"

Your DM even had a sound clip prepared? That's impressive.

[snailgosh]

Your DM even had a sound clip prepared? That's impressive.

Yeah he's doing all he can and more to maximize the immersion.

[CoOkIisme]

Oh joy. I have a tale I feel I need to tell. It actually happened today in fact.

My fellow party members, who I shall refer to as Gr, Ia, Et, and Ga (Gr = Paladin, I = Fighter, E = Sorcerer, and Ga = forge obsessed Fighter.) were complete noobs, so it was destined for greatness.

I was incapacitated from a previous fight, so I wasn't a part of the shenanigans taking place.

Gr had taken a flying dolphin as his mount, (Don't ask.) and was leading our party through some floating island we stumbled onto. Out of ground, a stone golem appeared, and began to attack us. (Our DM had lowered the CR for our noob team.)

Ia was a Chaotic-Neutral psychopath, and hated (In-character) Gr. While Gr charged at the golem, Ia snuck behind him and critically sliced Gr straight in half. Et attempted to hug the golem, and got flung to edge of the island.

After we finished the fight, we collected Gr's remains, (No one else actually noticed Ia kill him.) and ran to the currently bleeding-out Et. Ga critically failed a heal check, and accidently pushed him off of the island.

The golem wasn't even the boss of the island. We haven't even fought it yet, but we will next week. I have high expectations.

[Dasgovernator]

Spoiler: Spoiler--Way of the Wicked Optional Quest

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Okay so my group was playing a Way of the Wicked game (Evil Pathfinder AP), and one of our players couldn't make it one day, so we played a side mission where some of our evil henchmen had to take out a local LG preacher. Long story short, we find out that he's secretly a werewolf (and cages himself to avoid causing damage/hurting people when he transforms), and accidentally released him during a full moon. We were playing as Level 3 NPC classes (and not even combat-heavy ones) and we quickly realized that we stood no chance of killing him (especially as his crazy lover Cleric GF was healing him every time we hit him), and fled the scene, leaving the wolf to feast on his mostly helpless congregation. However, some of the party had gotten bitten, and the DM rolled our saves (all failed) and a d100 to figure out how long it took to set in.

He got a nat 1. Which he had linked to "Within a few minutes" (Not really thinking this one through since we were way off the rails at this point), or in other words just long enough for the thugs-for-hire to spread all around the city before transforming and attacking other people, who then transformed and attacked more people. The end result was essentially a zombie-outbreak style attack except with extremely fast-moving creatures with DR 10/silver (which meant the local guards were completely ineffective against them), and the regular (Evil) party had spent the last few months killing off all of the major do-gooders in the town.

The result was the great Lycanthrope outbreak of '75, causing hundreds to thousands of deaths and garnering international attention despite the ongoing major war. Our DM had to rule that they eventually killed each other off in order to prevent them from completely annihilating a plot-critical city.

[ironsnake345]

good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! It's me again, with another weekly dose of school time D&D! (I didn't post last week because I couldn't remember any funny moments. note to self: bring scrap paper.) Anywho, if you've read my previous posts, you should already know the characters and their classes. Another thing, though, Burgle died. Yup, cutter's on to his fifth character. A pirate sorceror named Jason or something. Haven't pinned down quite yet weather he gets his power from draconic blood or a font of wild magic. Alright, stories ahoy!

Spoiler: a bit of scenery and backstory

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So, here's the scene. We raised Brocc and Osric after they were killed, buried Burgle, collected reward money for clearing out the cave, bought material components and fine wine, had armor resized, sold our loot, and otherwise made bank. We went on from town off to I-Honestly-Forget-If-We-Had-Anything-In-Mind-At-That-Point-ville, and it was getting dark so we made camp. Then, round 2 AM, a really dense mist started rolling in, and we couldn't see crap. We tried picking up camp and avoiding it, but it was like it was following us. So, we just set camp back up, and when we awoke the next morning, we still had our stuff, but our camp setup was missing. Moreover, the slightly hilly and rather grassy plains we were travelling across were gone as well. In fact, we had somehow ended up in a dense, muddy, very creepy swamp. We had Syrinden do his aura sense thing after a while, and what the DM said was that a thick, black, oily goo rose up from the swamp and washed over him.

He awoke a few hours later, with a bad headache, and news that the land itself was very, very evil.

Spoiler: notes away! (bit of a long story)

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Yep, the DM started handing out notes this session. THAT'S always a good sign. Dinten started trying to sense undead and stuff, and the DM handed him a note. We later found out that it said Fay was undead, and to kill her. (Yes, her. I believe I said she was a man earlier, that was a mistake.) He succeeded in dropping her, despite Osric and Brocc trying to prevent it, and the DM handed him another note. After the session when Dinten's player was reading us his notes, we discovered that this one said "Uh oh, Brocc and Osric are undead too. Better take them out!" We were able to knock him out and tie him up, but not before Brocc had to break up the fighting going on between Osric, Syrinden, and the new guy. Brocc had picked it up that something in this land was trying to turn the party on itself. We haven't figured out for sure if that's true, but hey, we've already established that the swamp was pure evil. If you don't know what I'm talking about, maybe read the last spoiler. Anyway, that night, we made camp on a little hillock, where it was dry enough, and the DM handed Dinten another note. (Dinten tried to convince us he was in some sort of trance earlier that day, when he attacked the party.) We didn't know that the note said "Your bonds are really bad. By the way, the entire party is undead. Get to work. Start with Fay, though." Sure enough, he waited until fay was taking watch, and stabbed her with his Rapier. This dropped her, but we did hear her yell a bit, before Dinten took off with the body. Syrinden went looking for Dinten and Fay, Brocc followed (with expeditious retreat, because he's slower), and Osric started waking up, slowly. Also, Jason-whoever was there. Cue Fay lunging out of the water and almost killing the entire party. Thankfully, everyone survived... except for Fay. It doesn't look like we'll be able to raise her... Osric is about to lose a good friend.

Spoiler: a little extra from the last spoiler

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It is worh noting that, during the events of the last arc, something happened which had the entire party laughing like crazy. After Dinten downed Brocc, the very next turn, Brocc critted his death save and went back up, but then Dinten double attacked, critted, and dropped Brocc right back down. And Osric too! Then, Syrinden tried to stop Dinten, but couldn't do anything because he crit-missed like every attack from then on, until he was critically wounded and then finally managed to KO Dinten. Yeah, Dinten is deadly in the right situations.

Spoiler: an awesome quote from Brocc

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Look, I don't care if we're stuck wading through all this mud without it, we've already established that this place is so evil that the very air flowing through the swamp probably has intent to murder us, and a CONVENIENT raft just appears next to where we make camp, so that we can just ride it all through the swamp? That's a trap! (This is a roleplay heavy group. It often makes Brocc seem like the only sane man.)

Not much else happened that session. We met some wierd people who may have been an illusion, and Brocc naturally distrusted this. In fact his first reaction was "I am attempting to disbelieve this!" As it turns out, you have to get some evidence beyond suspicion that an illusion is, in fact, an illusion, before you can disbelieve it. Lame. Also, we fought a crocodile, which nobody in the entire party knew what was, (even Brocc's 18 int. That's sad.) and some giant frogs.

[Marbled_Thief]

So these stories are from a 4e campaign I played with some of my friends and my older brother.
Our party consisted of:
me, a kleptomaniac drow warlock
my friend with extravagant ideas, a human wizard
my first-time gaming friend, a dragonborn warlord
my brother, the genasi swordmage (and the only one with actual moral standards/sense of responsibility)

Our First Boss Fight

Spoiler

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After we had fought our way through a bandit encampment, we got to our first boss fight, which consisted of some sort of wizard and his pet wolf. We're all fighting them, and our tactics are...sub-par. The wizard insists on only using magic missile because he "might need the daily powers for a later fight." The warlord decides that instead of healing, he is going to solo death-match the wolf while the rest of us handle the wizard. He ends up dying, though the party does win the fight. The spoils include a bag of holding and a magical unidentified orb of darkness. Instead of lugging around our dead friend's corpse, we cut off a finger to use for a resurrection ritual and dump that, along with his equipment, in the bag of holding because why take up more extra-dimensional storage space than you need to?

Playing with Unidentified Orbs of Darkness

Spoiler

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We were on our way to a sorcerer that could resurrect the dead warlord when we took a break in a forest clearing. The rest of the party was resting while I was on first watch, and I decided to experiment with the aforementioned magical unidentified orb of darkness. DM asked for my will defense, which was decently high for a low level character, but not high enough. I got possessed and began attacking the other party members. Eventually they knocked me out and had the wizard use mage hand to put the orb back into the bag of holding because he thought that by not touching it, he wouldn't get possessed. He was wrong. Afterwards our DM told us that the orb was actually a paragon/epic tier artifact that he wasn't expecting us to mess with quite so soon.

Betting on the Lives of Party Members

Spoiler

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This story took place a few levels later, after all party members were unpossessed and resurrected. IRL, my friends and I had just watched Gladiator and were inspired by it. We decided that whatever plot-related adventure had been planned could wait, because we were going to track down the underground pit fighting arena that we decided existed in this city. DM went along with it and we soon found ourselves in Shady Building o' Fighting. We convinced the swordmage to enter himself in a tournament as a fighter while the warlord and I watched and placed bets on his life. He ended up winning, though we helped on the last match with a trick involving invisible crossbow bolts (We just called it protecting our investment). Because he was a new-comer, we had excellent odds on him, and ended up with around 20,000 gp each from the matches. The best part? The look on the swordmage's player's face when he found out that the prize for winning the tournament was only 1,000 gp.

Domestic Spats

Spoiler

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When we got to around level 12, plot events had progressed to the point were amusing tangents were limited, what with the impending apocalypse and all. However, this didn't stop the wizard from deciding that he wanted the party to take a few months off of adventuring while he crafted a flesh golem. He convinced the warlord that this was a good idea, while the swordmage and I argued that we didn't have time to make a golem because we were in the middle of an adventure to stop a cult from summoning the chained god Tharizdun. The argument reached such epic proportions that we decided to settle it with a fight, me and the swordmage vs the wizard, the warlord, and the fighter that was accompanying us. Because the wizard and the warlord had been slacking in updating their character sheets after leveling, we totally creamed them. They learned their lesson, we dumped out all of the corpse parts from the bag of holding, and everyone learned to fear whenever me and the swordmage actually agreed on something

[Mittur]

Back again, this is the same group but with the GM from last time being the Summoner and the Swashbuckler from last time being the GM. It's a bit more brief this time, because I am highlighting one short-but-sweet moment of greatness.

We are running RotRL, but we only just finished the first part. I will try to keep any potential spoilers to a minimum, but you should still read at your own discretion if you are playing/plan on playing RotRL.

Spoiler: The Party

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We have a rather interesting cast of characters for this campaign. At this point we are all level 3.

LG Human Inquisitor of Iomedae (me)
NG-turned-N Human Rogue
CG Half Elf Summoner (who we call a pseudobard due to his tendency to play instruments)

Spoiler: The Story

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We are at the point to where we have infiltrated Ripnugget's fort, and are about to face him. Since we anticipate him being a tough fight, we decide to talk first, and we figure that since we managed to calm two other goblins into working with us, we can do the same to him.

A gecko-mounted Ripnugget is surrounded by elite goblin guards and a warchanter. So, as any sane person would do, our Summoner decides to walk up to the warchanter and ask him if he would like to play a duet.

Natural 20.

It turns out that our Summoner has some sort of latent, virtuoso-level talent for playing the flute, so we decide that he managed to play this universe's version of Through the Fire and Flames without missing a single note. The warchanter had a small amount of lute-based contribution.

After such an awesome performance, the whole room kinda just stands and stares. The gecko's jaw literally drops and hits the floor. So, we decide to follow up such a great performance with some diplomatic talk.

26, after modifiers.

We propose settling the differences between us nonviolently, but Ripnugget refuses, saying that it will take a bit more than that to convince him. So, we reword our argument and try again.

Natural 20.

As we walk up to Ripnugget to seal our sort-of peace treaty, he screams "Attack!"

All the goblins in the room refuse to attack us and walk out, except for the warchanter. He walks up to our Summoner and asks him to be his musical tutor.

Ripnugget stares in awe, and then commences the attack. We manage to take him out by lighting his side of the room on fire and sundering his armor. He surrenders right before becoming Kentucky Fried Goblin.

After that, we loot the place and go back to the town, but choose not to check out the basement at Ripnugget's request.

That's all I have for now. If more ridiculous stuff happens, it will be posted.

[ironsnake345]

*post*

Oh, man, people are gonna get us confused. We both use the same avatar, and at least SEEM to be coming on and posting regularly.

[Mittur]

Oh, man, people are gonna get us confused. We both use the same avatar, and at least SEEM to be coming on and posting regularly.

Heh, yeah. That is, um... going to be a bit confusing. I suppose we could request custom avatars, which I should probably do at some point.

[Drake S.]

New to this thread, but I thought I'd share a funny moment we had with our party in one of our first campaigns.

Just as a little background info, we were investigating why every night a village was beset by very large poisonous snakes. It was daylight, so we had plenty of time to do some exploring of the woods nearby. I play a Human Ranger(Draketooth), and there was a Wood Elf Rogue(Ikaalem), a Dragonborn Paladin(Taheel), a Half-Orc Fighter(Goulash), and our very eccentric Hill Dwarf Bard(Dewgus). Also note that Dewgus, had just recently acquired a chicken from a previous session and he was treating the chicken as a loyal pet.

While in the woods, with my unmatched Ranger tracking prowess, we discover two sets of tracks. One from a Gnome Wizard we just killed(the Dragonborn hates gnomes), and the other from a set of Gnolls we had also just managed to kill. Apparently, before we ran into them both, they had met together and entered into some kind of deal and exchange.

So, we decided to split the party. The Rogue and I were to follow the Gnolls' tracks since we were experts in Stealth, and the terrain was difficult. Rangers excel in difficult terrain and me, moreso with Forest as my Preferred Land type. Meanwhile, Dewgus and the rest of the group followed the Gnome's tracks. Turns out, they found something of interest and they needed the party together. So, rather than backtrack, they decided to send the chicken with a message tied to its leg. The DM had them roll Animal Handling, and BOOM nat20. The DM shook his head and had them roll for the chicken to see whether he understood the task to send the message to me and the Rogue. Again, nat20.

So, we sent the chicken(whom we later named Sir Henry) as a Messenger chicken. The DM even had them roll for the chicken to make sure he got to us safely. 19, it worked. We got the message from the chicken and returned. It was pretty funny how it all worked out. It worked out so well though that our DM wrote a campaign called the Epic Tale of Sir Henry, in which we discovered that Sir Henry was once a noble knight who was turned into a chicken. It explained how he was able to be loyal to us and survive several of our encounters with some the luckiest die rolling we've ever had in any of our campaigns. He died in that story, but his human spirit lived on and ever since then, Dewgus has been saving enough gold to build a shrine in his honor.

[illyahr]

This just happened in our last game and I'm kinda proud of how the group handled it.

The characters are as follows:
N/N Dwarf Ftr/Brb specializing in trip (new to tabletop rpg's, first ever D&D campaign)
C/N gnome sorceress blaster (experienced, but doesn't understand rules interaction very well)
C/N human bard (most experienced of the group, but plays support and mild control rolls to let other players learn. Usual control method involves irritating target into attacking so can claim self-defense)
N/E human cleric of nerull (new to tabletops, prone to hilarious IC rants)

The group had encountered a 6'6" amazon (Brb2/Ftr2) with a highly enchanted greataxe (E6 game, a +2 greataxe of speed that instilled a barbarian's rage when wielded). They all know that a straight fight will see them all dead so they come up with a stupid/awesome plan to take her down.

Bard starts irritating the amazon and the cleric goes off on one of his rants in the inn that have us rolling around laughing. When the amazon looks like she's about to kill the bard (for the third time this session) sorceress pulls the card out of her 1-card deck of illusions: a red dragon. She then throws some alchemist's fire on the inn and cries for help, that a dragon is burning down the town. Amazon, only too glad to be able to kill something, rushes out to face the dragon. Runs right out the door...right past our trip-expert. One AoO later and she's face-first on the ground. Bard picks up her axe and calls a shot to her neck. -4 for non-proficient and I said -6 for such a small target is balanced by her being prone and the axe bestowing rage on the bard.

Natural 20. Confirms by 1.

As the townsfolk gather and yell that they attacked someone trying to help, the bard uses a massive bluff that she was working for the dragon. The sorceress (a gnome, remember) goes all Gandalf and shouts "You shall not pass" as she dismisses the dragon illusion. Everyone now thinks she banished the dragon and the group killed the dragon's minion.

[TitanKhan]

I'm currently DMing a dual campaign with an evil party and a good party playing simultaneously.

The Good Party Consists of:
Elben(A high minded human paladin)
Biddick(A gnome illusionist wizard)
Rezhald(An evocation mage who was almost burned to death)
Rorik/Bourgi/Ilveros(This player keeps changing characters, a human bard, a half-orc monk, and finally an elven ranger respectively)
Jacob Riverspawn(A gnome mercenary NPC that has latched on to the party)

The Shield Bash
During a good party fight with a few earth mephits(earthen dwarves with reptilian wings) Rezhald knocked a mephit out of the air with a thunderous explosion. Jacob charges up to take the monster out and decides to smash the thing's face in with his shield. He missed and the players all blamed it on his choice of attack, screaming at him to use his maul already. In an act of admittedly disproportionate revenge for them questioning the fighting style of my NPCs as well as an ongoing joke I made shield bashing Jacob's trademark. There was some grumbling, but once he got a decked out spiked shield and a second attack each turn the shield bash became something to be excited about. Now the players are fond of shouting out "SHIELD BASHHHH!" whenever the stout gnome makes an attack.

Hit Him!
Later in the good campaign the party was engaged with a mob of cannibals exploding out of the floor of a temple. Rorik, Jacob, and Elben were kicking --- and taking names, but Biddick found that his spells weren't helping much. As frustration with his ineffectualness mounted and the other players got tired of trying to draw enemies away from him Rorik roared at him to just use his melee weapons. He didn't have one. Just as Biddick was being closed in on he remembered he had fists, and this little gnome mage proceeded to punch the ---- out of these cannibals. With an amazing streak of good rolls he managed to knock several of his assailants back down the hole they'd come out of forcing them to take falling damage. When the rest of the party cut through to him they found him dusting off his cloak and putting up his fists.

My Lord Riverspawn
Remember that player that keeps changing characters? Well, when his current one entered the game the city the party was stationed in was once again under attack by cannibals, except this time hulking Solomon Grundy-like ones called hulkers had joined the assault. Because Ilveros the elven ranger had never seen Jacob the fighter in action before he was not aware of the party's reluctant tolerance of him. And he happened to enter right when Jacob was having an insanely good streak against the hulkers. He's now in awe of the little guy and is his stalwart comrade and defender. The rest of the party never got around to telling him how annoying the gnome was before level 7.

[darkscizor]

Characters:

P, Human Wizard who hadn't learned any of his spells and never prepared them. He used
a crowbar to fight for most of the adventure, and to my knowledge, he never cast more than a single firebolt spell

Me, a cliché ranger with more spoken languages (common, elvish, dwarvish, orcish, draconic, etc.) than fingers (unfortunately missing a few fingers, for flavor). Standard drow revenge backstory, adopted, missing parents, etc. Is a half-elf.

C, the Halfling rogue who made strength his highest stat. Not much explanation needed here.


Me and some friends in school had been playing RPGs for a few months, and our DM had just gotten the lost mines of Phandelver. We had just started when we were attacked by a few goblins on a long trail. P died almost instantly, C was knocked unconscious and was left bleeding out on the ground, and I was down to 1HP when there were 3 gobblins left. I lucked out and killed two goblins before the third ran off, and then I healed C and we followed the road, ignoring the plot and getting drunk at the local bar. During the drinking game I had started, P *WITH THE EXACT SAME CHARACTER SHEET*, came into the bar. The bartender refused to give me another pitcher of wine, and, being a lawful good PC, I only hit him in the head with a bar stool instead of shooting him (Commoner, 4HP, I did 3 damage). He sold me all the wine for 1/2 price, clearly intimidated. P then came up to him and, after several failed attempts to stab him with an umbrella (IDK where he got it), bit his thumb off. The bartender died.

ME: "OH, HEY, LOOK. THE DEMON BABY (long story) JUST KILLED A GUY! *Rolls nat. 20 in diplomacy/charisma*

Everyone in the bar attacked him, dealing 30 damage altogether. He was a bloody mess on the ground when they finished with him.



Later, I burned down a plot-critical building with several teammates inside (yeah, the party got bigger) and we ran off into the woods, taming about 10 bears of different varieties, and eventually ended the campaign.

[Crazybushman09]

Started my first ever tabletop recently, a Pathfinder campaign having us chase the god of chaos around the realm.

Our Party/ Dysfunctional adopted family
I'm the Ninja, a half-elf obsessed with Scorpions by the name of Varithel, who started with his life long friend, Duck, the Greensting Scorpion. I'm the special child in our little "family"

Our tank was Kevin, a Paladin terrified of stoats who is a devout follower of Torag, and brings his goat Cedric with him everywhere (Preferred method of preaching, walking down the streets and into temples of other gods yelling "Y'ALL MOTHER****ERS NEED TORAG!!") He was Good/Stupid, casting detect evil on everything, and smashing it if it read positive. He was the retarded kid of the group, and he is convinced Tamarie's name is Tomorrow

The mage was an Oracle, the only female, by the name of Tamarie, who's followed by the poultergeist of her mischievous cousin. The mother figure of the group

Our Bard was a gnome by the name of Lanric, who we made many short jokes about, including having to go prone so we could get low enough to high-five him. The father figure, as he and Tamarie are the only sensible ones

Our DM is infamous, as he is blessed by the dice gods, and it makes the easiest enemies brutal more often than not.

The ****tles and Giggles so far.

During the first combat, while fighting a pack of 3 wolves, the party nearly died from the mangey mutts dodging half our attacks, but when we finally got the last one severely wounded, it made a dash for Cedric, who was in the cart. Luckily, it had to pass Kevin, who passed an attack of opportunity on the wolf, which was now almost upon Cedric. Kevin Succeeded in leaping Hulk-style 25 feet through the air, before smashing down straight onto the wolf's back, killing it. From then on, we began deliberately having Cedric at the front lines, so as to get Kevin's rolls up, as they seemed to increase dramatically every time his BFF is in danger.

In the next town, we gained a new party member. His name was Syke, but is better known as "that eejit". He's a human fighter focused on trip, and he has caused almost nothing but problems since his arrival. He has received many a slap and ear tug from Tamarie and I for his stupidity. He was going to be introduced by tailing us through the market place, but rolled so badly on sneak, that the DM decided that he jumped on his horse and yelled "Follow the Ninja and the tall guy with the goat!" In the middle of a bazar. Upon arriving at the local temple for some religious research, I had to pull him out by his ear to stop him from robbing the place blind.

Our next stop was an oasis in the desert we were asked to visit by a voice through prayer. While we waited there, Kevin and Lanric made sandcastles, Tamarie went swimming, I went Scorpion hunting (caught my second, her name is Goose) and Syke hid half buried in the sand, expecting an ambush. People began arriving, and Lanric understood them to be talking in Celestial. Turns out they were all avatars of the gods who hadn't sided with Olidamara, God of Chaos, our Antagonist. Kevin of course ran off to find "His home boy Torag", while Sykes went to hit on some godesses (Received multiple divine bitch slaps) and I sat quietly watching as the grown ups talked. Kevin found Torag talking with two other gods, one of which had fangs and a cloak. Deep in conversation, they shooed him away with the brush of a hand, but Kevin would not be deterred. He ran at the fanged god, and though I jumped on his back to stop him, he effortlessly outstrengthed me and threw me into the sand. At this point, the Gods are making bets. Kevin finds himself face to face with an invisible wall. He hits it.
DM: Roll Willpower
He rolls 2. Kevin is launched across the Oasis and crashes into the sand. However, he gets back up, and tries again. The other male members of the party now pounce him, and after a short scuffle, tie him to a horse, eventually gagging him to stop the yells of "I love you Torag! I'm yo number one fan!"

We were warned by one of the Gods that the dungeon we were headed to was heavily trapped, but we didn't realise the magnitude until we arrived. I was tasked with disarming every trap, but half the time Syke set it off before I had a chance, nearly killing us multiple times, trapping me at least twice (15 foot hole with darkness and muffle, sneaky and effective). I would have died, as would the others, if not for Lanric's height and my reflex rolls. Eventually, Syke activated a pit which caused the floor in a 10 foot surrounding radius to tilt inwards to it, and he finally got trapped himself. Thoroughly sick of his shenanigans, I got Varithel to promptly piss into the pit, which he couldn't see us from. While Tamarie looked for hidden passageways, the other lads joined me, and when he tied a rope to a crossbow bolt, we pushed it back, twice, until we were done.

While moving through the dungeon, we'd seen a painting of a demon, but it vanished when we touched it and a roar came from deeper in, so we were thoroughly scared. Eventually we found a door of wood, not trapped, not locked, and we got super suspicious. Syke opened it slightly, and we all heard a roar
Syke's player: That's the demon
DM: How do you know, yo udidn't check
Syke opens the door, sees the demon, closes it again
Syke: It's a demon
Kevin: Let's see if it's evil.
Syke opens the door, Kevin casts detect evil.
DM: That is most definitely evil
Syke closes the door again
DM: You can't detect the Evil anymore

Syke now begins to open and close the door, as Kevin gleefully goes "Evil, no evil, Evil, no evil". Funny as this is, Syke turns around to see the demon has noticed us after the repeated opening and closing of the door.Thankfully he's too big to fit through the door though. Closing the door again, Syke looks at us
Syke: He's there
Varithel: At the door
Syke: Yup
Knock on the door
Syke: What the? *opens door*
The demon then punched Syke in the face, sending him flying into Lanric, who got bowled over.

The following fight involved poking at the demon through the doorway with Syke's spear, accidentally hitting Syke with rocks, and thinking of what to do. Eventually, we had a system. Syke attacks, then stands back, the others take our shots, he moves back to hit it. During this, Kevin got bored, and began attempting to smash down the wall to the side of the demon, further into the room. Just before he did, Syke decided "Screw this", and tried to trip the demon. He, surprisingly, succeeded, and made his way into the room. He attacked the demon, I ran in, got a sneak attack critical for full damage on the demon as it got up, and just as it turned to me, Kevin crashed through the wall in a cloud of brick and dust, before yelling his catchphrase, "Y'ALL MOTHER****ERS NEED TORAG!" And smashing the creature with a smite evil boosted warhammer, causing it's head to explode in a single stroke.

Later, but still only level 2, the others headed to the library while Syke recovered from his hangover from the demon slaying celebrations and I went scorpion/alchemy shopping. While in the library, a shady man stole the book we wanted, and fled into the street, where he dodged a 19 from my nunchuks and ran down an alley. Following him, I got decked by a black knight as we turned a corner, and while me and Kevin stayed to deal with him, Tamarie and Lanric pursued the thief. Tamarie flanked him, and as he failed an acrobatics check, grabbed his trousers, pantsing him (This is happening in 5ft wide alleys by the way). As Lanric starts jumping on top of the thief, while Tamarie tries to get up from the mud, still holding his trousers, the fight with the Black Knight took an unsuspected turn. I wall jumped around behind him, sneak attacked him but just pinged off, while he and Kevin both failed to hit each other. (Also, everytime our hits failed, our DM just went *ding*.) Eventually, this guy decides to punch Kevin. He scores max damage, hitting Kevin for 12 of his 16 hp, flooring him. Deciding it was only appropriate, we had him yell "Black Knight..... PUUUUAAAANNCCHH!" As he hit Kevin. With pride and nose broken, Kevin could only watch as the black knight picked up Lanric, threw him back at us, picked up the thief, threw him to three other shady figures, and left with the parting line of "Damn Torag fangirl..."

Kevin's player was unable to make any more sessions, so we agreed that Kevin gave up being a paladin to join the circus with Cedric. In the session where we met out new tank, he ignored us and went to the head of the caravan we were following. The plan was to capture one of the bandits who kept raiding the caravans so we could find their camp and poison their water with the stupid amounts of scorpion venom I've accumulated from all my pet scorpions (around 6) and the remains of the giant ones I failed to tame. During the inevitable bandit fight, I managed to immobilize one by shooting him through the legs, and ran off to tie him up for interrogation later. Sitting on him, tied up, as the battle finished up, I tried to calm him down. Diplomacy, natural 1.
Varithel: Do you like scorpions
Bandit: ARRRRGHHH MY LEGS!!
Varithel:* Looks up and smiles* I like Scorpions....
Needless to say, this guy REALLY hates me. The interrogation plan is to lock him in a caravan with me until he breaks.

More as the story continues

[ironsnake345]

Sorry for being gone so long! Session before last I neglected to put up any funny moments, and last session was the same. Anyway, here are the funny moments that have happened over the last few sessions!

Spoiler: story!

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So, we wandered through the swamp a while... did I already tell you about this guy? Well, we found a weird young man, who we later learned was named Luke, who lived in a house propped up on sturdy poles in the swamp. People brought him boxes of food now and again, and he spent all his waking hours either lighting a ****ton of lanterns at nightfall, extinguishing them at daybreak, eating the very barest of bare minimums to survive, smashing his own face in when one of the lanterns is put out at night, or staring off into the distance blankly. He did absolutely nothing else. Then, when we went off in the direction he was looking, he picked up a box of food and a lantern and started following us. It led us to a town which is suspicious of new faces. Long story short, the dead are coming to life within the enormous evil aura which is also blanketing this town, and there have been some mysterious murders besides people simply dropping dead, and We've been deputized by the constable.

Alright, that's out of the way. Now, the actual moments!

Spoiler: Lunch shot!

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As Luke followed us around on the raft which turned out to be completely not a trap, Dinten grew suspicious of him. So, he pulled out his bow and said: "Alright, if this guy says anything, I'm gonna shoot him." Sounds nice enough, but the DM started poking fun at that. We started talking about like, is dinten just gonna shoot him at anything he says? "Hmm, nice weather we're ha-" THWAP! "I could use some lu-" THWAP! "I gotta use the ba-" THWAP! Dinten then specified that he would only shoot if he heard anything he didn't understand, or that sounded magical.

Spoiler: Be nice!

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When we got to town, we couldn't help but notice everyone looked at us funny. I wasn't gonna take any of it, so Brocc just looked out to the townsfolk staring at us and said, "What?" No response. "No, seriously! why are you all staring at us like that?" That got a response from the townsfolk. "We don't see many strangers around here..." Then Dinten piped up: "Well, I can see why. This dump wouldn't be the first place I go." Brocc: "Dinten! Really! It doesn't matter what kind of town this is, we need to be polite!" James: (This is the guy who dies a lot. I finally rembered his name.) "Feh. I've soiled on chamberpots nicer than this town." Brocc: (facepalming) "I am not with him..."

Spoiler: THAT'S RACIST!!!

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We were looking for supplies, which brought us to the general store. It was run by a dwarf, who was rare in these parts, and as we walked in, we got this transaction: "Hey, welcome to my store! Oh, you're an elf... I don't see many elves around here." Dinten: "I don't see many dwarves myself." Shopkeeper: "Well, what're you doing here, pointy? Ya looking for arrows?" Dinten: "Not much, shorty." Shopkeeper: "Hey! ...I'll let that go for now."
Also, he totally mistook syrinden for a dwarf, because of how short he is.

Spoiler: glorious sidechatter

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While we were talking to the shopkeeper mentioned above, we had recently established that we were in another world entirely, and that the mist that overtook our camp a post or two ago transported us here. The people who vanished? They're the Vestani, a people who ride the mist places. Turns out that was just Brocc being paranoid again. Anyway, Dinten wanted to see if, by any chance, the dwarf was form the same world as us. Dinten: "By the way, have you ever heard of Baldur's Gate?" Shopkeeper: "No. What is that? is it, like, a dance or something? I know elves like dancing and other useless stuff." Osric: "I start dancing the Baldur's Gate!"

Spoiler: Glorious Sidechatter II

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As a rogue, can I see if I know this as the smell of a poison?" "can I do a nature check?" "Can I make an acrobatics check?" (DM proceeds to giggle at Osric's player)

Spoiler: Stealth Sarcasm

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A bit of story before this quick thing, Fay's corpse came to life and attacked us. Fay had recently been replaced by a rogue named Leverus, who was like a shy, soft spoken, almost child-aged, rogue version of Varsuvius. That is to say, he/she was mysterious and gender undefined. Anyway, Fay's corpse busts into the inn where we're all staying, and Dinten sees it and fails a charisma save. He loses his turn and the rest of the party proceeds to burn, turn, and slice Fay's corpse before it can hurt us. Afterwards, Dinten was acting strange, and he moved and acted differently from normal. He went off to the blacksmith to forge some new weapons because his bow didn't feel right to him, without telling anyone. This is right after the fight with Fay's corpse, and it's nighttime. Leverus was sneaking up behind him, to see where Dinten was going. Anyway, Dinten approaches the door to the blacksmith, and...

"I knock on the door." "You get no response." "I knock harder." "You still get no response." (leverus breaks stealth and puts his/her hand on Dinten's shoulder) "I think they're closed."

Spoiler: 180 degree turn part II

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A quote from Osric while making a horror save: "Am I totally awesome at charisma saves? Oh, yeah I- ooh, bugger."

Spoiler: more story

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We go to the farm house of the family who founded this town. Ghouls are there, feasting on the corpses of some townspeople who went missing with a tiny blood-spot and the murderer's calling card left behind. We return the corpses, get a warrant to check out the town house of the family, find a weird scroll in a secret cubby. We also see a couch that's been slept in recently. The scroll contains a grim prophecy which tells of the son of a prestigious family dying, returning as undead, more dead rising, a curse turning from one guy onto everyone else, the sun failing, and a lot of death. There's one passage missing, though. Luke had been occasionally saying weird things, which matched the passages from that scroll. We meet the killer and he gets away. He is incredibly fast and deadly with a stiletto. Next day, he reveals himself to be a member of the family who founded the town, and that Luke is his brother. He stabs Luke, Luke's last words are the missing passage, I scribble the important part down, Luke dies. We kill the dude, he turned out to be bat-**** crazy, and him trying to bring his other brother back after the local priest failed was probably the reason that this zombie apocalypse is happening. Last passage of the scroll says we need to go to the old graveyard and return the scroll to some stone with six stars on it to stop this terrible rainstorm which will paint the town red, if you know what I mean.

Spoiler: Another awesome quote from Brocc

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Listen, Syrinden! I don't care if this is against the law, there's too much of a coincidence between what's going on and this scroll! The corpses, the dead brother, the dark magic, the rain, and we have to try and stop it! And even If I'm wrong, and this is all just some crazy coincidence and we broke the law for no reason, we can do the time, we can pay the fine, we can say we're sorry, and we can be on our way! We have nothing to lose here! Now come on, we've got a prophecy to stop!

Spoiler: Why Dinten was acting weird

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As we failed to stop the storm from coming, we had no choice but to fight EVERYBODY who had been buried in the graveyard, and we were trying to find ways around it to stop a full on zombie apocalypse. Dinten, after being approached by seven zombies, steps forward, inhales dramatically, and...

Breathes loudly at the zombies.

Then, with a successful wisdom save, it hit Brocc. Dinten thought he was landragosa.

Landragosa is the half blue dragon fighter guy from before we entered the fog. So, in other words, now we have a ranger who THINKS he's a dragonborn fighter who wields a spear and a greatsword seperately, and who is incredibly deadly. In truth, he is completely ignoring the bow he is unbelievably deadly with, and instead using a melee weapon which he has ABSOLUTELY NO BONUSES for.

Also, we're fighting off a zombie apocalypse, I'm out of spells, Osric is out of spells, Syrinden is out of spells, and Jason, who is a sorcerer by the way, is unconsious. Yep, we're gonna die!

The session cut off in the middle of that fight.

[YossarianLives]

Copied from another post of mine.


The first character I ever played was a paladin. I knew almost nothing about D&D at the time. When I asked about the gods I could worship they told that most Paladins worship "Grayskull."

At the time I had never heard of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe.

The first time my character smote evil they told me that paladins had to yell "By the power of Grayskull, I smite evil." I totally believed them and went along with it as they sniggered behind my back.



Almost two years later I found out the truth.

[F1zban]

Premise: The party are in a dwarven inn, carved from the rock of the mountain. They have tracked their quarry (a dwarven arms dealer) to one of the rooms upstairs. After painstakingly sneaking into his room, only inciting mild curiosity from the other patrons, they seek to capture him.

The party accidentally killed the dwarf. I offered a single heal check to stabilize him but a natural 1 saw to his death. The players panicked and discussed what to do with the body, as he would soon be found the the party would be held responsible for murder. The druid asked me if he could cast Meld into Stone on an inanimate object (the corpse). I allowed it, knowing what he would do. The druid cast the spell and the body disappeared into the floor, followed shortly by a loud crash. The look I got from the players was priceless.

[FallenFallcrest]

(4e) I had a player who played a Razorclaw Shifter Ranger, and was quite clever, even though his character was mildly insane. He always managed his way out of a situation, especially when it was not realistic (he once convinced a politician to give him half of the city's entire army directly under his command). The party consisted of him, a Dragonborn Paladin, a Minotaur with a fancy hybrid class, and a Shardmind Psion.

My favorite part of that adventure was the group's very first. They had reached the hideout of a necromancer that had ambushed their carriage and stolen something of theirs (long story), but of course he was not going to just fight him like a man, that would be foolish. No. He came up with a plan. (Only he and the Shardmind were there at the time, long story)

First off, he peaked into the room stealthily, and saw their stuff in the far corner of the room, as well as several Giant Zombies and the Necromancer. His first idea was to use the Psion to tip a brazier of elemental fire which was outside the room over into the room. In order to protect their stuff, he knocked off the head of the Psion (Shardmind, it works. It also hurts.) and throw it across the room. The Shardmind was able to draw back it's body crystals and surround the stuff. He barred the door and waited. The battle didn't end however but that requires a bit more explanation.

A young Dragon living in the same cave system as the Necromancer lent the party Kobold minions to help deal with the problem. They made it pretty far, until one room where they all started mysteriously dying. In reality, a doppelganger rogue was murdering them and taking their places each turn and the two heroes were not perceptive enough to notice this happening multiple times. Nor did they care enough to count the bodies when there was only one "Kobold" left. (Although they had a bunch of great theories as to what could have done it) They got some treasure in that room, including a chalice, which they placed on the Kobold's head, rechristening him "Cuphead, Kobold Warlock".

Later, when the Shifter waited for the Necromancer to die, he was acting very smug and joking around with the others. Then I told him he felt a sharp pain shoot up his back, causing him to fall over. He had been poisoned, by Cuphead. The door was opened and the necromancer, still on fire, ran out. The Shifter feigned death until the poison wore off, then took both of them down in an elaborate series of events. It was amazing.

[Dire Moose]

Last night's game had the PCs entering an old fortress to rescue children kidnapped by a necromancer who had created some rather unusual types of undead (notably, intelligent ones that retained their class abilities).

That said, the PCs were quite surprised to find themselves facing a pair of zombie bears wielding halberds and shooting laser beams out of their eyes.

[Dimers]

The PCs were quite surprised to find themselves facing a pair of zombie bears wielding halberds and shooting laser beams out of their eyes.

As would I, Dire Moose. As would I.

[CapnOfCapns]

So I'm playing in a campaign which I have better, and longer stories for later, but I felt like sharing something real quick.

At the moment I'm on my third character, an Arcane Pyrotechnician http://www.dandwiki.com/wiki/Arcane_...n_(3.5e_Class) who I RP as Deadpool, but who is actually more of the Joker without a Batman and no use for money. The players have been split into 3 groups because there are so many of us, and one of my group was missing due to a rescheduling. So it's just me and another guy, who is playing a Teifling fire/ice sorcerer who through a long and weird series of events has had his demonic blood awakened and is also a vampire. I dunno, our games get weird.

Anywhays, we've been tasked with "securing" the armory of the civil-war torn capitol by an NPC. He and I both have invisbility, and the DM I think BSes the NPC to also have it just so we're not bogged down trying to move past the guards. We sneak in, see all the guards gathered up for a rousing speech by the second in command of this particular faction, and see a side hallway. I should put in I've been blinded permanently, so until I get it fixed I'm taking a hands-off approach to things and letting him have turns until I want to do something. He decides for whatever reason to cast ghost sound in the middle of the crowd, saying "Your mom's a whore."

He rolls a 1.

Our DM is very loose with his rules, and part of that is that we have unlimited spells per day, but we have to roll for all of them and do not get basic modifiers on them only what we accumulate. Also, for the most part when we fail a spell we still cast it, but something horrible happens. Like in this case.

So he rolls a 1 on ghost sound, attempting to whisper "Your mom's a whore," in the middle of this crowd listening to a speech. Instead, the "ghoat sound" screeches "YOUR MOM'S A WHORE!!!" The speech-giver stops, points at the man closest to the sound, and her war-forged wraith body-guards shadowstep next to him, tearing him to pieces instantly. Other player starts again and I beg him to just quit while we're in one piece, and he agrees.

Turning to the hallway to the side he sees there are two guards, and since our DM rolled a nat 20 on the NPC's search check the second guard, farther down the hallway, has incredibly shiny armor. Armor so shiny that we can actually see some of the room beside him from it. I joke about how he must have a harsh mother who figured out how to construct a water hose in a world without water pressure just to blast him with the hose. (hose with chalice of never-ending water, methinks) The guard closest to us walks off, leaving us just the shiny guy in our way. I have the brilliant idea to have other player cast mage hand and wipe some ashes from my pipe on the guard's armor so he'll go clean it. I guess I shouldn't have been sly with him about the plan, because it took him awhile to understand what I meant and then he failed his roll to cast, so I cast unseen servant instead to get the deed done.

The last time I cast unseen servant I rolled a 7, so the DM ruled that while I had cast unseen servant, that one for some reason made noise. And was retarded. (Those poor guards had no idea what was happening, apparently a retarded lump of C4 was retard screaming at them right before it exploded.) This time I rolled a 10, but the other player asked if he was also retarded and my DM ruled that yes, he was also retarded. I rubbed my ashes all over him and told him to go give that guard a hug, cackling all the while. The unseen servant hit the guard as fast as it could, denting the guard's armor and covering him in soot. He sprang up, looking around for attackers and noticing his armor. He immediately ran into what turned out to be a kitchen to wash up.

We follow him in, and I sit on the table being blind and stuff while other player dominates the guard and the npc goes and one-shots a warforged wraith who was playing with an apple. This leaves us with just the cook, so I drop my invisibility while sitting on a table and start tapping my fingers. The chef eventually hears my tapping over his happy-go-lucky singing and turns around, blanching at the unexpected sight of armed men. We begin pressing him for details about where we can get a key to let us down into the basement, but he doesn't want to talk.

I try to use my high charisma to appeal to him, saying "Those people out there go out and kill people in the streets. That's not right, is it?"

*Swedish accent* "We did it in my homeland."
"You... You killed people in the street?"
"Yes. They're delicious."
"You eat people."
"When I can catch them. Yes."
"Uh. Wow. So this is how we depict foreigners in our games, I'm sure [afk player from the Netherlands] will be thrilled."

I end up deciding to try and bribe him. Since I'm blind I roll a d4 to see what kind of coin I will pull out to offer him. 1= copper 4= plat. I roll a 4. He's thrilled, and answers our questions. I roll another 4, he's even more thrilled and answers more questions. Up until now he's insisted there are only 2 keys, but I ask him a question quickly and he holds up a key, proudly stating that he has one and he uses it to get down into the basement for food. Other player quickly pulls out yet another plat piece to attempt to buy it, but I signal to the npc (who is basically an assassin) to come and talk to me.

*looking at me with disgust since I snapped my fingers for him (NOT THAT I KNOW SINCE I'M BLIND)* "Yyyyyyess?"
"He has the key. Go get it.... *duh tone of voice*"

He immediately walks over and beheads the chef, taking the key from his twitching fingers. The other player goes into hysterics, saying he was actually going to pay the guy. I calmly reply "And? Now we have the key and I have my money. Pfft, like I was going to pay him *deranged laugh*"

Right at that moment our third player joins, leaving us all giggling as we try and explain how our DM has portrayed his first foreigner npc.

*********************************
We've been playing this campaign for awhile, and the first two months are (for my character) one long and hilarious story. Even with me breaking it into sections, each of those sections would be longer than this by a lot. Is that ok? I feel like this is an ok size post, but I'm confident those other stories will be much longer and I don't want to put anyone off this thread.

[Myrc88]

Hello again, this is a new story, one I find hilarious, ill leave that up to you guys though.

Our story begins in a game of 3.5e, I am playing a paladin of heironeous, and my brother is playing a half vampire scout/soulknife. Our party has attacked a bandit camp, and I have been grappled by an enemy bandit. This is where I broke the dm's plot. I had earlier killed an ogre and looted demon blood off the corpse. Using a racial ability to cause blindness in an area, I get the guy holding me to loosen his grip, so I then chuck the demon blood into his mouth. I shouldn't have done that, the bandit was replaced by a vrock, which then killed me as I prayed to heironeous to take my life in order to kill the beast. My brother tries to get my body, but is knocked into the negatives. There is a thing supposed to happen next session, I cant wait to find out what it is.

By the way, our party is level three, I'm only level 2.
PS. the DM wasn't trying to kill us, that blood was a plot point, oops. I screwed up royally.

[Straybow]

DM: "Heh. Well, I guess you find…*roll* 13 gold worth of copper ore in its gizzard alongside the rest of the digestive stones."

hmmm, 13 gp = 1300 cp = 26 lb = maybe 260 lb copper ore. You have to be really hard up to lug that around as "treasure."

Sorry, can't help it. I find the distorted monetary systems of these games endlessly entertaining.

[ironsnake345]

So, here we are again, with more stories from my group. While we were fighting zombies as they poured out of the graveyard, We got a little bit scattered, and Osric and Leverus made their way into the old graveyard nestled within the new graveyard.
They both got turned into Zombies, and were re-killed by the party. After that happened, the rest of the party, (including Dinten/Landragosa, who was possessed by Luke, the odd boy who followed us. Don't ask.) with new bits of insanity, went into the crypt of the family who founded the town. I knew that we were gonna die. Miraculously, even after fighting a reaaaally powerful zombie who can (and did) reach out and stop Brocc's heart, not only did we all survive, (Brocc's heart magically restarted after the encounter ended and the sun rose early for some odd reason. We noticed the moon had vanished...) we had all completely regained our sanity and saved the town. (we think. There was a good week of peace while we stayed in the town before moving on.) Now, stories!

Spoiler: PRAISE RNGESUS!

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So, we're fighting the lord of the undead and his goons, and Dinten is batting a thousand. First, he rolls a nat 1 on a con save for the odd smell that's permeating the area. Then he proceeds to roll a nat 1 on a second con save to determine its effect. Then he proceeds to roll two more nat 1's throughout combat, dropping him. Then he nat 1's his death save, netting him 2 skulls instantly! Dinten is now on the ground, requiring three successful death saves IN A ROW, or he's dead. Or, he could nat 20 and be up instantly. That's exactly what happened. Dinten crits his death save and gets up with 1 hit point, then proceeds to critical hit his way through the undead hordes, who can't seem to lay a single one of their numerous rotted fists on him. Congratulations, Dinten. You have just, after being a damn-near burden to our party, carried it through our hardest battle yet. Too bad Leverus and Osric still died...

Spoiler: yet another awesome quote from Brocc

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"Tell me, have you ever died?" "...Nooooo?" "Well, I have. Twice. And I can honestly say, I have never been happier to be alive."
Also,
"I'm familiar with that ritual of raising the dead. In fact, it was cast on my corpse once.
As you can tell, it went quite well."

Spoiler: a bit more story for you guys

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So we left for the next city, after acquiring an expensive pearl and using it to identify all our new magic swag, and we met on the road a family of those mist-traveling people. Their wagon has a broken wheel, and they can't lift it up long enough to replace it. We help them out, and the woman in their matriarchal group offers us a service. Hearing what planet and region we are from, she offers to give us a ride through the mist back home, but mentions that doing so is not an exact science. Brocc: "Neither is magic." Anyway, we take a ride on (not in, the men don't trust us enough for that) their wagon, we get attacked by the mist, and the woman tells us to hold on tight. We do so, and by the time the mist disappears, we are in the middle of...
A desert.
Not an exact science indeed! We head for the nearest town, and get about as warm a welcome as we did in the last. Our party is passing out from the heat, and we take some time to bring ourselves back to health in the town's oasis. A little orphaned kid named Abu is very happy to see us, and is quite interested in our weapons. He seems to want to be an adventurer...
Also, Osric and Fay's new characters were at the desert too. An old friend who helped get Brocc and Osric's bodies to the priest, a man named Marquez I think, whose class is cleric, and a rather childish, scatterbrained man named Ashir, who loves prestidigation. Not sure what Ashir's class is, but it involves both stabbing AND magic. My current theory is warlock. By the way, this IS 5'th ed we're playing.

Spoiler: Introductory funnies

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Brocc: "Ah, I hear you're the fine fellow who helped get my body to the priest!" Marquez: "Indeed. It's nice to see you again, and less dead!" Brocc: "Oh, believe me, I'm still dying. That makes twice now."
After about a minute of conversation...
Brocc: "Magic AND stabbing? What an intriguing combination!" Ashir: "I can say they're both very fun! The magic is very deep, and flesh can go even deeper!" Brocc: "...I thoroughly enjoyed HALF of that sentence." Ashir: "Trust me, you'll learn to enjoy both halves!"

Spoiler: Glorious Sidechatter, part III

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"Brocc sure is proud about dying twice!" "I'm more proud about coming back from it!" "He's getting pretty morbid, talking about it so much." "Morbid gnome. Now THERE'S band name.

Spoiler: first time meeting a gnome!

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Abu was introducing himself to the party, when he noticed Brocc. Abu: "Say, I'm actually kind of taller than you!" Brocc: "That's 'cause I'm a gnome." Abu: What's a gnome?" (Brocc fails to explain what a gnome is very well) Later, Abu whispers to Ashir: "Can you catch gnome?"

Spoiler: cantrips are great!

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Abu brought us some desert-appropriate clothes, because we were new there. Brocc enthusiastically takes one, and then casts minor illusion. The illusion? A five-foot cube centered on himself, with the words "no peeking" printed on the sides. Abu: "Amazing! You wizards are incredible, able to conjure things like this out of thin air!" Brocc: "It's not real, it's just an illusion. I like privacy when I change!"

Also, the freaky scroll which caused the apocalypse? it got ripped up, but ended up fixing itself. We put what we could find in the scroll tube and left it "behind the stone where the six stars shine" but after the session we learned that, apparently, Brocc found it in his robes while he was changing inside of that cube. Well, looks like I've got something to explain how much I can't believe I forgot to mention to the party. See you all next week!

Also, I usually post on friday or something, because D&D usually is fridays in our group, but because of the weird school schedule this week and the fact that this is the school D&D group, we played today. Four day weekend, Y'all.

[Odin's Eyepatch]

In our games, we try and play seriously. However, this often ends when a little detail, a passing comment is said, and suddenly reality breaks down as it spirals out of control and we find ourselves with something completely hilarious.

One such time happened with the birth of the Safety Crew.

We were playing one of those "The Worm that Walks" Campaigns, and eventually found ourselves versus a scion of Kyuss. Our dwarf fighter, being somewhat lacking in contingency plans, promptly gets grabbed and swallowed, ending up in the stomach without even the smallest dagger to hack himself out with. The rest of us had no other means of getting him out either, and it was already challenging trying to simply survive against the scion, let alone device a daring rescue plan.

So during his turn, the dwarf, unable to do anything to help the fight, and in a desperate attempt to escape the stomach acid eating away at his flesh, declares that he takes out his tent, and tries to stay afloat on it, out of the pool of acid. The DM lets him, and jokingly says:

"You see some skeletons in the pool. They're saying 'come in! Join the party! It's completely safe!'"

...

And so it began...

By the end of the fight, when the Scion regurgitated its stomach onto us, the dwarf had proposed a margarita, had learned the name of the 4 skeletons, called Bob, Dave, Larry, and Tom, who were all ready for partying, but safely. And no harm would come to him if he jumped into the acid. And Safety is important and partying too. As long as he did not compromise Safety, it was fine.

The skeletons were soon all wearing yellow high-vis jackets, and construction site helmets.

When the Scion was finally dead, the Safety Crew had immediately placed 4 traffic cones around the corpse, declaring it 'unsafe', with general calls of "Danger, keep away". The subsequent discovery of a cursed dagger was also immediately contained with 4 traffic cones surrounding the small weapon on the ground. In the end, the only way to distract them was by starting to sing the "Safety Dance", at which they dropped their traffic cones, rushed up to the singer, and started dancing as well.


That was a couple of months ago.


Now they are the police force of our village, capable of instantly moving up to an area of 'danger', placing more traffic cones then you can shake a stick at, and keep the other npcs away from the 'Danger Zone', all in a couple of seconds. A simple whistle of the "safety dance", and they will be there.


It has come evident that these 4 skeletons, if they were to become PCs, would instantly put us out of business, because they are so efficient at dealing with problems. It has also been joked that they could stop an army of undead simply by placing a line of traffic cones.


They are hilarious, and we love them. They are always there when we need them. Sometime I think “WHYYY?” as I remember the sheer stupidity that happened that day, but I've gotten used to that now.

Oh, and the Dwarf Fighter has now taken his precautions, in the form of an "acid immune tent", just in case he gets swallowed again.

[oball]

So our party (lvl 14, ifrit oracle (me), human fighter/duellist/rogue and elf ranger) had just fought and killed a sorceress as part of a scheme to aid a coup against the City of Brass. Said sorceress was responsible for the magical defences of the city, so over several sessions we made our way to her chamber, through a series of demiplanes she had set up. In one plane we killed her cloud giant servant, and rescued a (lower level) halfling bard he had held captive and forced to perform for him. She was roleplayed by the DM as incredibly grateful, fawning and eager to help in any way she could, so naturally we all hated her (the annoying voice he put on did not help). Anyway, after defeating a brass dragon construct and evading some traps we found the way into the inner sanctum, where a fierce battle ensued. The fighter was Dominated into attacking us, I was temporarily rendered insane (a moment of lucidity allowed me to Heal myself), the bard was dropped to zero HP by a summoned hellhound and wisely decided to play dead, and a Cloudkill nearly did for the ranger, but we managed to do enough damage to kill both the sorceress's efreet form, and then the extradimensional spider-thing that crawled out of it.

The assassination over, we got down to the real business of looting her stuff (meanwhile, the halfling, ignored by us, was drinking potions and casting CLW on herself). One side of the room contained three free-standing mirrors, which upon closer examination turned out to be portals - two facing us and one turned away, with "DO NOT TOUCH" written on the back of the frame. While the fighter and ranger were investigating the dessicated corpse of an azata on the other side of the room, I checked out the portals. Having closely examined two, I casually said "OK, now I'll walk round the other side of the black one and take a look at the front."

The DM visibly blanched. "How many hit points do you have?"

"About 90 right now, why?"

(to the others) "Guys, where exactly are you standing on the map? Are you more than 60ft away from Azadan?" The ranger was, the fighter wasn't.

Me: "Uh, what have I done?"

"Uh, OK, well, as you walk around the other side of the black portal and look at it, you see dark, evil looking runes carved on it. As soon as your eyes lock on them, they seem to twist and writhe and a blast of negative energy shoots out. Make a Fort save." I had triggered a Symbol of Death. Bugger.

I rolled my save. Nowhere near enough, the DC was far too high. But wait!

"I cast Spell Resistance on myself off a scroll before the fight, remember, don't you need to make a caster level check?"

The DM agreed, and rolled... a one. I breathed a sigh of relief as the evil energy scythed across the room towards the fighter (low on HP from the fight, 150 would be easily enough to kill him outright). He grimaced and prepared to roll the Fort save that determined whether or not he'd be tearing up his character sheet...

"WAIT!" I yelled, "What about Zabitha? That irritating bard? Where is she?"

The DM looked even more stricken than before. "She's right on the floor... where... you... left... her..."

The power of the Symbol of Death ripped into poor Zabitha as she lay on the floor, still recovering from the brutal fight. Dark energies sapped her life force as the DM tearfully described how his beloved DMPC shrivelled up into a blackened, lifeless husk.

Meanwhile I was laughing so hard I had tears of my own streaming down my face.

The 40-odd HP taken off the spell by poor old Zabitha was enough to save Britvah, our fighter - he whiffed his save but the Determination effect on his armour kicked in, and he was close enough to -CON that the Breath of Life got him back on his feet. Meanwhile, I stashed the ex-bard in my Handy Haversack. Never know when one of those will come in handy...

[just_a_beard]

Hi, this is my first time posting so forgive me if I mess something up. I just had a few stories that I figure should be shared. They are a bit long so have a little freever time before reading.Story One
So we were playing Horde of the Dragon queen, the party was a half elf fighter(me), a halfling bard, a tiefling warlock, and a dwarf cleric. It all was going smoothly until we ran into an ambush drake and some cultists while going down a creekbed. The warlock cast thaumaturgy across the creekbed from us to make it appear as though an archer was firing at them while I shot one of the cultists, it hit him in the gut, putting him negative. With his buddy bleeding out the other cultist frantically searched for the shooter, hearing a crossbow reload up the bank, he started after it. While the rest of the party closed in on the drake, I took out the other cultist. Now in the drakes seeing range, it came at my friends. I took another shot with my crossbow and hit with a critical, partially blinding it. The cleric smashed it with his hammer, and the bard and warlock both missed. I took another crossbow shot and hit it with another critical, the bolt pierced it's neck, spraying blood as the drake flailed in its death throes. I decided to skin it and wear it's hide as a cloak, my cleric buddy wanted to eat it's heart to gain it's power, so I cut it out and gave it to him. He passed a fort save and gained poison resistance and, in accordance with a random effect dice roll, basilisk powers. Shortly after this we were accosted by an ancient blue dragon, since it wasn't aware of clerics basilisk powers, the moment it saw him and he saw it it froze into solid stone, plummeting to the ground and shattering. The entire table just sat there slack-jaded until the cleric player jumped up and yelled "WHOOOO $#*! YEAH!!!" After this happened the DM just threw up his hands and said "All right, I give up. You guys just win D&D."

Story Two
In the same HotDQ adventure as above we had just saved a small city from raiders and dragon cultists and captured a cultist to interrogate. After several failed persuasion and intimidation checks we were getting frustrated, until I cam up with a brilliant idea.
Me OOC and IC: Hey <warlock> cast mage hand and have it hold a dagger above his head like a nail ready to be pounded, if he doesn't tell us what we want to know I'll split him in half.
DM as terrified cultist:I'll tell you whatever you want to know!
Me: That's more like it.
After we get all useful info out of him I slam the flat of my blade into the dagger and drive it deep into his skull.
*Group gives me a sideways look*
Me:What? We all knew he was dead anyway.
So we go to the towns governor and I am about to tell him what we discovered when the bard tells me to wait.
Bard: We should ask him for a reward for the information.
Me:All right, how much?
Bard: 100 gold.
Me:WHAT?! Why so much?
Bard: To find out if he's working with the cultists.
Me: How does that tell us if he's working with the cultists?
Bard: Well if he's willing to pay such an outrageous amount he must want to find out how much we know and if we're going to be a threat.
Me:I'm not 100% with you but all right...
Bard to the governor: We managed to get some information out of the prisoner before he...expired.
Gov: Excellent! What have you learned?
Bard: Well it just so happens our memory is a little fuzzy, but I heard gold clears that right up.
Gov: *Angrily* Why you...how dare you try to extort this town! Tell me what you know or I'll have you thrown in jail.
Bard: Well we know that some cultists attacked your town, we can't remember if we know of anything else.
Gov: Fine, how much do you want?
Bard: 100 gold.
Gov: That's outraegeous! How do you expect me to pay that? Our entire town just got looted.
Bard:You collect taxes from the town year-round, right?
Gov:Yes...
Bard: and you keep these taxes tucked safely away for your personal use, right?
Gov:Yes...
Bard: I figured as much from your outfit, now, you can either pay us what we want, or you'll never know what we may or may not have found out.
Gov*Thinks for a moment* Fine, take your money and tell me what you know.*Gives 100 gold.
Bard: They were a group of bandits and dragon cultists getting as much loot as possible for there dragon master.
Gov: We already knew that!
Bard:Not our problem.
Gov:You arrogant little...Guards, attack!
Now at this point it needs to be said that I was ready for this, so while the bard and gov were talking I passed a note to the DM saying I was preparing for a fight, as such he agreed to give me a surprise round if there was a fight.
During this surprise round I swung at the gov with my greatsword and got a crit. With what the DM described as " a one-in-million incredibly lucky blow" I lopped off the gov's ( a level 5) head.
In partial shock, I then announced" No one else make a move, unless you want to end up like your governor here." To which the people all start cheering. Utterly perplexed, we ask why they are all cheering. A commoner responds "He's been over taxing us for years now, but none of us were brave enough to do anything about it."
So as the group is preparing to leave town, the same commoner comes up to us and asks if we'd protect and run the town in exchange for them paying us the formers governors tax, reduced slightly.
We agreed (it worked out to like 300 gold a month each.) And that's how we became the mayors of a little village up the coast.

Story Three
So in a one-time adventure with the same group, this time consisting of a Dragonborn Sorcerer (me), a dwarf fighter, a half-orc druid, and an elf ranger. We were investigating why a small city was being repeatedly attacked by well organized goblins, and as we were clearing out their caves we got knocked unconcious. When we awoke we were locked in a bone-cage with no weapons. So I come up with the brilliant plan to cast Thaumaturgy to cause a minor tremor, the fire the goblins crowded around grow large and flicker different colors, and have my voice amplified and come from.everywhere to make it seem as though the goblin god (can't remember his name) was telling them to set us free.
DM:Make a knowledge:religion check.
Me: *Roll*...2
DM: You can't recall the name of the goblin god.
Me:Bluff! *Roll, Natural 20* Boo-yah!
DM:Alright what do you tell them?
Me: Uhh..I am your lord the Goblin God, and I demand you release these prisoners and return their weapons, for they are my emissaries!
DM: The goblins all wet themselves and scatter, but not before unlocking the cage.
Ranger: Well that could have gone worse.

[kettch631]

So this happened years ago. I was part of a large RPGA gaming group. So we would often play with different people from the group every week, and different characters. We are doing a forgotten realms mod, all of us at the table were playing brand new characters. This was back in 2nd ed, I was play a fighter/thief. My hook was that I ran around dressed up like a mage, but I was specialized with quarterstaff. I spent the whole adventure acting like a mage, the sad the is there was no thief actions for me to do at the time. We get to the first fight, and I am at the back of the party. The bad guys thief sneaks up and attacks me thinking I am the weakest of us all, i promptly turned around and killed him in one round. Our gm got so mad, he like everyone else fell for me acting like a mage and thought he was taking out the party caster quick so the fight would be even.

After that game the gm always asked to see character sheets before he would run an adventure. Not my fault he fell for my act like everyone else haha

[ironsnake345]

Once again, a delay of several weeks before another post of my adventures. Starting to notice a pattern here... Anyway, all you need to know for story is half the people of the desert town we got to in my last post are very unhappy with us being here, there's a high priestess who seems to be hiding something, who lives in the town's temple, this place is the Ravenolft equivalent of Egypt, an old pharoh went crazy and tried to become immortal ending up being a mummy who could kill with his touch and then turn the resulting corpses into mummy minions who can dig through sand like ****ing crazy, and the apocalypse scroll is totes cursed and it is physically impossible for Brocc to get rid of it, not even by walking ten minutes out into the desert and hurling it as far as he can. Also, we can't leave because there's a wall of hyper-intense heat surrounding a large patch of desert, which is sure to kill anything dumb enough to walk through it. Storytime! (Also, it turns out Marquez's name is actually Marcellus, and Jason's name is actually James. Somehow, he isn't dead yet.)

Spoiler: It's who turn?

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This one was entirely OOC. It's almost James's turn, and the DM says, "It's James'ses turn!" This prompts a long discussion between Cutter and the DM. Cutter: "James's? Really?" DM: "Well, I'm just trying to be funny. And besides, I was kind of thinking about this waitress who worked at a restaurant I ate at over spring break. She kept on saying "Can I take your guys'ses order?" I swear, she kept on adding more s'es, and by the end of our meal, she was saying "guys'ses'ses." So, yeah. It's James'es turn." Cutter: How about it's Jame turn?"
Cue the entire group laughing at that.
DM: "Ha ha, I just imagine people going around being like, "Hey my name is Davi" or "I'm Jackso" or "Emil" or something! Yeah, alright, it's Jame turn." Then the combat continues like normal.

Spoiler: Every group has their quirk

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There's been a trend going on in our group, where if we make an attack which hits an AC which is definitely higher than the creature's AC (like a creature who was hit by an AC 15 attack, now getting an AC 23 attack), we just say "I hit AC... Hit." This was funny at first, but eventually it became common practice. "hits AC... hit." "that's a hit" It's a good thing our group is trustworthy enough that our DM takes our word for it. I'm kind of a lawful good rules lawyer myself.

Spoiler: combat quotes

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"Your arrow, in Legolas-like fashion, sails through the air and hits the sand underneath Ashir, who is being pulled under by some zombie hands. It thunks into the sand, and the zombie arms spring up, flail a bit, and sink back under the sand, like "Yeah. I knew exactly where its head was."

"I cast shocking grasp!" *roll* *roll* "You shock the unlife out of it."

Spoiler: TableQuest

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That last spoiler involves us being attacked by minions of the undead big bad mummy pharoh, who happens to be on a distant dune commanding his minions to attack us. We all have to make horror saves, and me and James fail miserably. We go insane. James seems to be hallucinating a giant yellow glowy pirate guy suggesting he systematically murder and rob the rest of the party, while The DM gives me a note but says not to read it quite yet. DM: "Clear your mind for a moment... Now quickly, read the note!" Note: "Write down the first person, place, or thing that you think of." Me: *stares off into space for a moment, then writes down table. passes the note back to the DM* DM: "Oh... Hmm..." *spends five minutes thinking, then writes down something on the note and returns it.* Me: *reads the note, it says Dulcime's (I'll explain who she is in the next spoiler) card table.* DM: "You now have to keep yourself and THAT as close as possible." Me: *proceeds to blast my way out of some mummies, expeditious retreat my way to the card table, then run for cover hauling it along. Just being there, hearing the DM Describe how Brocc rushes by at incredible speeds, mummies clawing at him the entire way, and just randomly picks up Dulcime's card table and sprint for cover was hilarious.*

Spoiler: this is a long one

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So, aforementioned half of the population of this new town have now formed an angry mob to try and get us out. We can't go anywhere- the desert heat is unbearable and nighttime is when the mummy/zombie minions swarm. They don't speak common, but apparently they think that Jame boot is enough to prove that we're the reason people are disappearing at night. We get chased off, and hide out in the town until night time. Afterwards, we go to the only common-speaking man in the town (aside from the priestess, who is hiding something) and the entire party except for Brocc, who is absolutely refusing to do this, goes to ask this man (who also acts as a guide through the desert, and used to be a high priest but got kicked out of the temple for drinking) to lead us through the desert to the temple of the evil pharoh who is swarming the place with mummy/zombie minions. He immediately does a spit-take and leaves Dinten with a face full of alcohol. after ten minutes of arguing, we eventually decide not to go because the guide is even more stubborn in answering "no" than brocc is, and he's drunk anyway. (his argument is that he's drunk and that night is when all the death happens) Brocc continues to try and argue not to stay in the town, but everyone except him agrees to go sleep in Dulcime's (Woman of the gypsy family who brought us here, currently deceased, along with the rest of her family. Damn mummy/zombies) gypsy wagon, which is outside of town, where we have been attacked by increasing numbers of zombie/mummies every night. Seriously, what was everyone else thinking? Eventually, Dinten just starts ignoring Brocc. Brocc: "Oh come on! what are you thinking?!? we need to stay in town, where it's safe!" (dinten ignores brocc) (Brocc facepalms) Guest who arrived to watch the school D&D group play: (taps me, which I am Brocc's player, on the shoulder) Me: "What do you want?!?" (He didn't mind because I was still kind of in character, and my character was incredibly exasperated at the moment) Guest: (points to the design on his tea mug, depicting an incredibly happy and cheerful background filled with rainbows and flowers, behind text in brightly-colored balloony letters saying "GO TO HELL") Me" (Facepalms even harder) "Fine, I guess I'll go with you guys to the wagon. Frankly, we're even more dead if we don't stick together than we are staying out there the night." Dinten's player: "I'm still ignoring you" Me: "But I'm agreeing with you!!!" Dinten's player: "I don't care." Me: (facepalms even HARDER) That's when I noticed, even for how hard a facepalm that was, it hurt an awful lot more than it should have. Then I remembered I was wearing glasses. "YOU JUST MADE ME FACEPALM SO HARD I ALMOST BROKE MY GLASSES!!!"

Spoiler: this one's kind of long as well

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So, immediately after the last note, we set up watch. Serynden spots a figure off on the dunes and as I hear the DM explain the situation, I immediately begin praying the same phrase over and over again: "not him, not him, not him..." DM: "The figure slowly approaches you on the dunes..." Me: "Not him, not him, not him!" DM: "The figure is wearing a strange, tattered, colorful robe." "Me: Not him! Not him! Not him!" DM: "An odd smell trails on the wind towards you, eminating from the figure" Me: "NOT HIM, NOT HIM, NOT HIM!!!" DM: It's Dulcime... Except she has an arrow in her head." (everyone gives Dinten a sideways glance.)

That's all for now. See you later!