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  1. - Top - End - #271
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Henry the 57th's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    My RL gaming group was playing a game of Black Crusade. We had been going with one set of characters for a few months, and so were nearing the end of our tenure as humans. Infamy and Corruption were sky-high. For this story, all you really need to know is that our GM decided we'd hit Daemonhood at 90 Infamy and 100 Corruption. Harkor, our resident Khorne Beserker, was at 102 Infamy, 97 Corruption. Nearing Apotheosis, in other words.

    Anywho, the group was leading a space assault against an Imperial fortress world. We had boarded an enemy battleship, and had finally run down a fleeing Inquisitor (a long-time nemesis) in a hanger bay that had been exposed to the vacuum of space. Naturally, we all had power armor, breathing gear, or appropriate mutations to survive, so we were just fine.

    Harkor and the rest of us (a sorcerer, champion, and heretek) did battle with the Inquisitor and retinue in the airless hanger bay. Harkor, naturally, used frenzy. As always, the psychotic berserker ran around chopping evrything that we didnt like to piece with his dual power axes. Eventually, we won. Harkor tested to snap out of frenzy now that combat was over. He failed.

    "It's ok," we thought, "We have some minions around for him to attack first, and we're big boys anyway. We can take a few hits."

    GM: I'll let ou decide. Who does Harkor attack next?
    Harkor: Hmmm... Can he see any enemy ships from here?
    GM (not getting it): Yeah, I guess. Why?
    Harkor: He attacks that!
    GM: What?!
    Harkor: He runs to the edge of the docking bay and leaps into space towards the nearest ship, waving his axes and screaming.
    GM (obviously befuddled): Ummm...
    Harkor: YAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!! (He liked to do a pirate accent when talking IC)

    The GM sat still for a minute and thought about it. Finally, he ruled that Harkor's act of mindless, enraged aggression was so purely Khornate that the Blood God himself took notice and rewarded Harkor by granting him the last 3 Corruption he needed to ascend on the way to the enemy ship. The party watched as an enemy cruiser was single-handedly torn apart from within by a psychotic daemon prince. Harkor's player said he couldn't think of a better way for him to go.
    Last edited by Henry the 57th; 2012-12-19 at 12:09 AM.
    "All generalizations are false."
    -Me

    Please remeber the impotence of poofreading everything you right.

    Avatar by Emperor Ing.

  2. - Top - End - #272
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Henry the 57th's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Did I accidentally kill this thread?
    "All generalizations are false."
    -Me

    Please remeber the impotence of poofreading everything you right.

    Avatar by Emperor Ing.

  3. - Top - End - #273
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    My first time playing Star Wars my party found itself defending a Jedi enclave from a dozen or so Dark Jedi. We ended up walking in on about half of them as they were fighting the Padawans. When my turn came around... Well...

    Me: I, uh... Well I guess I use Force Grip on the one that just moved towards me.
    GM: Okay-
    Me: On his nuts! Yeah, that sounds good!
    GM: But... What?
    Me: You heard me.
    GM: Okay... roll.
    Me: *rolls natural 20* *max damage*

    I had taken Triple Crit, so my damage was tripled, and... Well if I had divided that damage among all the enemies in the encounter, the battle would have been over. Twas quite a fun night.

  4. - Top - End - #274
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    ClericGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Ooh! I love these! Part of my interest for RPGs comes from the web show "Counter Monkey"

  5. - Top - End - #275
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    Windy's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    In another session of the campaign I described earlier, the party found itself venturing into the Underdark. Our travels took us to underground cities built on the shores of eternally-dark seas, and more than once we found ourselves taking the "long way around" because there were no proper ships to take us. Then one day we encountered The Captain.

    The Captain was a swarthy swashbuckler. He commanded a fine ship--the finest on all the sunless seas! Never mind that it was the only such ship down there... Or that he was a dwarf who couldn't swim... Or that he'd learned everything he knew about sailing from a book. The fearless crew had been sailing this ship for a while now, having found it inexplicably run aground and abandoned on the shore of that sea. Being dwarves, they didn't know much about wood but they did know a thing or two about masonry! Any time the ship was damaged (likely by their own bungling) the wound was repaired with stone. As our party entered the scene, the ship was noticeably listing to one side due to the heavy stone patches in the hull.

    There's not really much of a punchline to this one, but to this day someone will occasionally bring up The Captain and get a good laugh out of everyone. For all we know, he's still sailing around down there, pillaging ports and assigning his best masons to plug the leaks.
    Last edited by Windy; 2012-12-31 at 02:36 PM.
    Seekers of the Northlands
    -= A D&D 4e campaign =-
    Check out our session recordings on YouTube! I appreciate comments and feedback if you care to leave any, but mostly I hope people enjoy it!

  6. - Top - End - #276
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Guizonde's Avatar

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    i don't have the time to post the real funny things that happened in our (put on hiatus WHFRP) campaign, but just rolling the characters makes for a great tale.

    Redhead: DM
    Shotgun: PC
    Me: PC

    the setup:
    Spoiler
    Show
    5am, roaring drunk, the 3 survivors of a party, and thinking it'd be funny to try warhammer. Red' has been wargaming fantasy for a long time, and i played 40k for years. Shotgun had no idea what he'd be up against, but he rolled with it.

    Red': ok, i'll dm. any idea what kind of character you guys wanna play?
    Me: i wanna play a chameleon skink! with a blowgun!
    Shotgun: you know discworld's rincewind?
    Red': yeah...?
    Shotgun: like that, but more incompetent.
    Red' and me: what.
    Red': ok... we'll sober up and figure out how that works.
    [1 week later]

    Red': ok, here's your (my) profile: skaven night runner, and here are blowgun rules... you are functionnally invisible(sigh). you get 11 wounds, and no fate points.
    me: yay!
    Red': shotgun? here's your profile for spells. (gives the rod of wonder chart)
    Shotgun: i am the greatest magician in the world! (evil laugh)
    me: we're playing in Nuln, right?
    Red': about that. here's your backstory. you spawned in albion (something about chaos storms receding and lizardman spawn pits appearing). Shotgun's character travelled with his dad to cathay to get his half-brother, then to albion. by dipping his hand in a spawn pit, you bit his hand, and you think he's your mommy.
    me: i can roll with that. i think...
    Shotgun: mommy knows best, "snack"

    yup, i play a loyal pet, nicknamed snack (i'm a pet, i don't get names)


    the party with nationalities now, i'll post the rest of the story later:

    Spoiler
    Show
    Me: Snack, chameleon skink poisoner (think nightrunner with uber invisibility) (lizardman, born in albion) (Dorkenmeinen's loyal pet)
    Shotgun: Dorkenmeinen, self-proclaimed greatest magician in the world (he isn't) (human, born in altdorf)
    Arthur: Don Diego de Castilla de Hispaniola de la joka's been on long enough de joder, Estalian Diestro (estalian human)
    Tristan: TsingTao: cathayan surgeon cook, (cathay human), Dorkenmeinen's brother.


    this WAS the logical part. unrelated, but the dm's not allowed to launch a campaign drunk ever again. he said so himself.
    Last edited by Guizonde; 2012-12-31 at 12:18 PM.
    regarding my choice of sustenance:
    Quote Originally Posted by Raimun View Post
    I'm going to judge you.
    My judgement is: That is awesome.
    Quote Originally Posted by DigoDragon View Post
    GM: “If it doesn't move and it should, use duct tape. If it moves and it shouldn't, use a shotgun.”
    dm is Miltonian, credit where credit is due.

  7. - Top - End - #277
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Razgriez's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Henry the 57th View Post
    My RL gaming group was playing a game of Black Crusade. We had been going with one set of characters for a few months, and so were nearing the end of our tenure as humans. Infamy and Corruption were sky-high. For this story, all you really need to know is that our GM decided we'd hit Daemonhood at 90 Infamy and 100 Corruption. Harkor, our resident Khorne Beserker, was at 102 Infamy, 97 Corruption. Nearing Apotheosis, in other words.

    Anywho, the group was leading a space assault against an Imperial fortress world. We had boarded an enemy battleship, and had finally run down a fleeing Inquisitor (a long-time nemesis) in a hanger bay that had been exposed to the vacuum of space. Naturally, we all had power armor, breathing gear, or appropriate mutations to survive, so we were just fine.

    Harkor and the rest of us (a sorcerer, champion, and heretek) did battle with the Inquisitor and retinue in the airless hanger bay. Harkor, naturally, used frenzy. As always, the psychotic berserker ran around chopping evrything that we didnt like to piece with his dual power axes. Eventually, we won. Harkor tested to snap out of frenzy now that combat was over. He failed.

    "It's ok," we thought, "We have some minions around for him to attack first, and we're big boys anyway. We can take a few hits."

    GM: I'll let ou decide. Who does Harkor attack next?
    Harkor: Hmmm... Can he see any enemy ships from here?
    GM (not getting it): Yeah, I guess. Why?
    Harkor: He attacks that!
    GM: What?!
    Harkor: He runs to the edge of the docking bay and leaps into space towards the nearest ship, waving his axes and screaming.
    GM (obviously befuddled): Ummm...
    Harkor: YAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!! (He liked to do a pirate accent when talking IC)

    The GM sat still for a minute and thought about it. Finally, he ruled that Harkor's act of mindless, enraged aggression was so purely Khornate that the Blood God himself took notice and rewarded Harkor by granting him the last 3 Corruption he needed to ascend on the way to the enemy ship. The party watched as an enemy cruiser was single-handedly torn apart from within by a psychotic daemon prince. Harkor's player said he couldn't think of a better way for him to go.
    I think it was a combination of the holidays, and also because it's hard to top that!.


    Anyways, I have one I remember.

    Way at the beginning of 2012, I was in a Red Hand of Doom campaign for the first time. (I was a Monk of Bahumet)

    Now, veterans of the module, will know where I'm talking about. There's a spot early on, which takes advantages of a veteran adventurer's instincts. The instincts to go about poking and prodding everything for traps, treasure, and EXP points. This is something everyone does after level 2, because at level two, the party got careless, and the 2d4 Mage ate a 2d6 trap to the face that one time, and we aren't going to be repeating that again. So you scan the area, top to bottom.

    This area also happens to be in enemy territory. Now of course, the party is also trying to sneak in. I'm someone with really high sneak stats and skills, and speedy movement, perfect for moving cover to cover.. Besides, it's the outdoors, so it's not like I'm really going to need a Rogues' trap expertise. I find a structure, and duck into it.


    several, really bad dice rolls latter...

    DM: "The Structure collapses around and onto you. You suffer a moderate amount of damage, and both the collapsing of the building, your efforts to free your self, generate A LOT of noise.
    Me: "Ow"
    DM: "As you dust your self off and stand back up, you can see clearly the Hobgoblins on the parapet walls, are looking at the source of the noise, and most certainly at you."
    Me: "I stand still, and spread my arms out wide, and don't move."
    DM: "uhm.. what? You can't hide, they're on high alert, and you most certainly don't have Hide in Plain sight. So what are you...
    Me: *In character shouting to the Hobgoblins, while rolling the d20* "I'm a tree, I'm tree. I'm a tree.... really, I'm a tree!".
    Another highlight:
    -The party fighter kills an Owl bear early on, hires on a constantly drunk dwarf to carry it around as her herald, and even dresses the owlbear up in fancy clothing and gives it a name.
    Awesome Final Fantasy XIV Dragoon custom avatar made by Iruka. Thanks Iruka.

  8. - Top - End - #278
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Henry the 57th's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Playing Dark Heresy.

    The cast:

    Alicia: Our resident Sororita/Gun Nun. ALWAYS ANGRY, ALL THE TIME!

    Kyras: Our Noble-Born Adept. Made a running gag of hitting on every attractive female in his proximity. Including Alicia, which only made her angrier.

    Regis: Feral World Guardsman. Had a pathological obssesion with blowing things up with explosives.

    Gunther: Our Tech Priest, who had been pretty much dumped on the Inquisition for being unorthodox and lazy about his devotions.

    Hastus: Our Cleric, played by yours truly. Heard voices of his dead colleagues, thanks to excessive time spent in the presence of Things That Should Not Be Seen.

    The setup:

    We were assigned to do some investigating on a recent string of terrorist attacks afflicting Scintilla. The common pattern was either a remote-detonated explosive or a suicide assault squad of drugged-up lunatics with chainswords and a desire to slaughter everything around them until dead. We got a lead on where they might strike next, and set up a stakeout. Sure enough, after two days of waiting around, we saw a vehicle deposit some crazy guys in the area for a murdering spree. We had to do some Command checks against Alicia to convince her to leave the loonies to the Arbites and chase the vehicle in our own, but we did. We pursued the vehicle for well over an hour (with Gunther passing some truly admirable Drive checks along the way). Eventually, they led us to their hideout. Turns out they were with the Pilgrims of Hayte. We botched our checks to sneak in undetected, and a firefight broke out.

    The story:

    Spoiler
    Show
    GM: Ok, roll initiative. *we do, Alicia and Regis, cultists 1 and 2, then Gunther, cultist 3, then Hastus, cultists 5, 6, and 7, then Kyras.

    Alicia: I aim and shoot [Cultist 6] with my bolter. *rolls, blows his unarmored hand off*

    Regis: I take cover and throw a frag grenade. *rolls, hits Cultist 2, doesn't quite kill him*

    GM: Ok, their turn. *Cultists 1 and 2 shoot Alicia, taking most of her wounds.*

    Gunther: I take cover and shoot [Cultist 2] with my autogun. *rolls, takes him down*

    GM: Gotcha. *Cultist 3 shoots at Gunther, cover protects him*

    Me: I take cover and lob a frag grenade at [Cultist 5]. *rolls, 7 and 10. RH, confirms, rolls 8. Cultist 5 goes down.*

    GM: Ok. *Cultist 5 is dead, Cultist 6 is missing a hand, Cultist 7 charges me with a chainsword, I fail to dodge and go into criticals.*

    Kyras: I'm useless in this fight. I run and hide in a closet.

    All: *burst out laughing*


    "I run and hide in a closet." has since become a group in-joke, which we say whenever we're trying to get away from anything.

    But that's nothing compared to what happened when Kyras accidentally ran across the (female) False Prophet in another session.
    "All generalizations are false."
    -Me

    Please remeber the impotence of poofreading everything you right.

    Avatar by Emperor Ing.

  9. - Top - End - #279
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Henry the 57th's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Continued:

    The cast:

    The same, but Hastus has an augementic arm now, while Alicia has lost her eye and managed to obtain a best craftsmanship cybernetic eye to replace it.

    The setup:

    We had finally tracked down the home base of the Pilgrims of Hayte and were leading a big posse of Inquisition boys to purge it of heretic scum. We got into another mass firefight and, as was now expected, Kyras ran off. Keep in mind that throughout the story, we were desperately battling this lady's minions just a room or two over.

    The story:

    Spoiler
    Show
    GM: Ok, there's several doors. Which way do you go?

    Kyras: Further into the hideout.

    Alicia (OOC): Dude, I don't think that's a good idea.

    Kyras (OOC): I'll be fine. I hide out somewhere, they'll all rush past me to fight you guys, and I'll sneak in and ruin their Daemonoculus [A Big Evil Thing of Doom we'd been chasing for a while] before it does something horrible.

    Regis (OOC): Why would it do that?

    Kyras (OOC): It's supposed to be Khornate or something. We're having a battle, and they love that ****. Dunno what it might do.

    Alicia (OOC): Point.

    GM: Ok, now that that's settled, Kyras runs right around the corner and *rolls behind screen, predatory grin* a young-looking woman in robes and a mask. You recognize her as the False Prophet you've seen in pict-captures.

    Kyras (OOC): Oh ****.

    GM: *grins*

    Kyras: Hey there baby. What's a pretty little thing like you doing around these parts? *Charm test, succeeds*

    GM: *Willpower test, fails* She looks at you curiously and says, "I am the Prophetess Thesalina of the Pilgrims of Hayte. I go to show the dogs of the Flase Emperor the futility of their resistance."

    Kyras: Well, I'm Kyras. And I think there are better things you could be doing. *Charm test, success*

    GM: *Willpower test. fails* She replies questioningly, "Like what?"

    Kyras: *raising eyebrows and smiling suggestively* Oh, things. *Charm test, critical success*

    GM: *Willpower test, critical failure, facepalms and shakes head* She grabs you on the spot and pulls you close, lips locking with yours.

    Several minutes pass as we simulate the massive battle going on in the next room. Countless red shirts, some notable NPCs, Gunther, and myself all die. Regis is in the criticals and unconscious, while Alicia has only 3 wounds left and no fate points to spend. Nonetheless, she acts her part and leads the remaining troopers charging down the same way Kyras came.

    She rounds the corner only to find Kyras and the False Prophet locked in passionate sex. Her reaction to this was perfectly in-character.

    Kyras: *notices the group* Wait, this isn't what it looks like!

    Alicia: Consorting with heretics is heresy!

    Kyras: But I was just-

    Alicia: HERESY!!! *sets both of them on fire with her flamer*
    "All generalizations are false."
    -Me

    Please remeber the impotence of poofreading everything you right.

    Avatar by Emperor Ing.

  10. - Top - End - #280
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Guizonde's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Henry the 57th View Post
    Alicia: HERESY!!! *sets both of them on fire with her flamer*
    [/SPOILER]
    that must have been awesome to witness!

    i'll finish my setup now:

    the party:
    Spoiler
    Show
    Me: Snack, chameleon skink poisoner (think nightrunner with uber invisibility) (lizardman, born in albion) (Dorkenmeinen's loyal pet)
    Shotgun: Dorkenmeinen, self-proclaimed greatest magician in the world (he isn't) (human, born in altdorf)
    Arthur: Don Diego de Castilla de Hispaniola de la joka's been on long enough de joder de thankyouverymuchamigo de la vega, Estalian Diestro (estalian human)
    Tristan: TsingTao: cathayan surgeon cook, (cathay human), Dorkenmeinen's brother.


    our dm took the sewer cleaning option to start the campaign. so we find ourselves in front of a visibly hungover sargeant telling us to mop up some mutants down there.
    why do we agree? i mean, there's an apprentice magician, a cook, a poisoner and a duellist. simple really: the dorkenmeinen is looking for his master but needs money to stay in nuln. where he goes, me and his brother go. the duellist ravished (slightly) the elector countess' daughter and is keeping a low profile.

    meet the protagonists:
    Spoiler
    Show
    i see the sewer opening and go in recon, slipping away from my cloak. the diestro doesn't notice me going down head first. nothing to report. i climb back up.

    Don Diego: #@!* who do you think you are to insult me?! i challenge you to a fight! *draws rapier*
    "Mama" dorkenmeinen: ooc: i cast a spell! (rolled on rod of wonders chart... blindness in a 30 foot radius) ic: the winds of magic seem to be confused right now. (sits down and lights his pipe)
    Diego: where are you?! i kill you to death! *swings rapier, misses me by a half-inch*
    we wait one hour, the spell finishes. Diego punches out mama, laying him out for one hour.
    by this point, the dm, me, and the cook are understandably bored. we calculate that the fisticuffs of the two cost us 6 hours in-game. that was the start of the looniness.


    the sewers (finally):
    Spoiler
    Show
    we finally head down to the sewers where i reveal myself to diego. he sees me no sweat, and freaks out.
    diego: what in myrmidia's name is that!?! i kill it to death! (swings, misses me by a half-inch... again)
    mama: that is my dog.
    diego: no way! that's a mutant and it needs to die!
    mama: he's sent by the gods. he's a divine dog.
    diego: ooc: what.
    dm: roll bluff.
    mama: 1 (huge smile on his face)
    dm: counter-roll, diestro?
    diego: 100
    dm: not only do you believe him, but now you're convinced he's an envoy of the gods and you'll do everything to protect him, even if he terrifies you.
    diego: (ooc curse in spanish)

    after we get a torch (mama lighting diego's rapier with a spell, with the obligatory griping), i set off by swimming in the sewers. getting promptly attacked by rat swarms, we scrag 'em, although diego lost a fate point after choking on a rat.
    going back in the water, i swim on up and hear a roar and thumps. failing comically my terror test, i swim back so fast i leave a wake, alerting 4 mutants. (one cyclops, one hairy, one with a tentacle, and a morbidly fat one)

    mama: i'll hit the cyclops with my sword. (misses) ok, i'll kick it.
    all: 0.o
    mama: 10, 10, 10, 9
    dm: you kicked its leg off!
    diego: i attack the hairy one. (crit with a rapier)
    dm: you... uh, don't ask how that works, but you ripped his arm off. with a rapier. what are you guys?!
    me: i shoot the fat guy (rolls and hits)
    dm: ok, he's not slowing down and heading towards you in the water.
    me: *bad words*
    mama: don't worry, snack! i'll cast a spell to save you!
    all: no!
    he casts a spell, alright. invisibility on the fatguy. a bluff test means we're all mesmerized and convinced he disintegrated it.
    we finish off the mutant. suddenly,
    dm: snack? roll an agility test
    me: 74? *scared grin*
    dm: you take 8 damage and go flying through the air
    me: for that price, can i comically flop like a fish screaming "mama!"?
    dm: yup.

    scrag the fatguy. what happened?
    mama: his spirit was angry he got disintegrated, so this was his psychic echo through the winds of magic.
    perfect. bluff test. again!


    part the third, in which we become heavyweights:
    Spoiler
    Show
    we then go back to find the countess elector to tell her that there is "chaos" (please, imagine this said with wild-eyes and fear) in the sewers and we need the town guard.

    mama: can we see the countess, madam?
    nuln's battlemage: no. you stink, you wear a stupid hat, i don't know who the hell you are.
    mama: i'm dorkenmeinen, greatest magician in the world.
    mage: you? from what college?
    mama: *thinking fast* um, the college of life?
    mage: prove it.

    by this point, we're used to having crazy dangerous effects from his spells. so the players await the inevitable... he casts his spell, and the entire hallway gets covered in grasses and butterflies. we take the mage to the sewers, to show her "the chaos presence".

    mage: there are only 3 mutants. where is the 4th?
    mama: i disintegrated it.
    mage: quit mocking me! i'm an imperial battle mage from the college of fire! you are an impostor and don't know what you are talking about!
    mama: i cast a spell.

    even our characters facepalmed.

    do you know the characteristics of the "become etherial" effect ? an inanimate object no bigger than 5 by 5 ft is made etherial. invisible in the present dimension.

    the dm was rolling, when he told us the rock disappeared, we yelled railroad. turns out this is an effect of the rod of wonders, and a 1 in 50 chance. functionnally, he disintegrated a rock in front of a mage so powerful she melted rock just by yelling at dorkenmeinen (terror check results: the cook passes out, i go hide in the riverbed, the diestro wets himself and pukes simultaneously. dorkenmeinen? raises a friggin' eyebrow)

    bye bye rock, hello respect.


    although this is a fast account, believe me when i say that i cut most quibbling, including dorkenmeinen arguing with his brother in "cathayan" (a really bad pseudo-asian accent, nigh-incomprehensible to the dm and me) about dorkenmeinen's bowler hat, and eating me as extra rations (no relation to excel saga)

    this is just the start from memory. i'll find my notes and post the epic battle where we get the guardhouse to fall on us, and end up fighting a DAEMON OF CHAOS!! PANIC!! which was as ludicrous as that overreaction. and the ham-wagering, the rock-staresque hotel room trashing, and the diestro who confirms the running gag of missing my head by a half-inch another 4 times. if you're interested, i'll post the rest of dorkenmeinen's epic wins (increasingly ludicrous bluff checks, convincing me notably that i, in fact, am the emergency rations) and epic fails (it always starts with "i cast" and ends with "a spell")
    Last edited by Guizonde; 2013-01-01 at 06:51 PM.
    regarding my choice of sustenance:
    Quote Originally Posted by Raimun View Post
    I'm going to judge you.
    My judgement is: That is awesome.
    Quote Originally Posted by DigoDragon View Post
    GM: “If it doesn't move and it should, use duct tape. If it moves and it shouldn't, use a shotgun.”
    dm is Miltonian, credit where credit is due.

  11. - Top - End - #281
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    ManInOrange's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    So this is my first campaign ever, and my DM was quite inexperienced. None of us really knew the rules, but that probably made it better.

    Spoiler
    Show

    (I don't remember this character's name.)
    Me: *casting spells at mummies like a boss*
    Party: *doing party stuff*
    DM: This mummy *grabbing a token* reaches toward you *die roll* and grips your shoulder. Make a fortitude save.
    Me: *rolls natural 20*
    DM: Hm.... his arm flies off.
    Me: "Hey everyone! I dis'armed' it!"

    After the encounter, I went back and picked up the mummy's arm. I put it in my backpack, and just left the hand sticking out. In a later encounter, I pulled it out and hit someone with it, asking the DM if it was an un'armed' strike.


    This is a campaign which I was running which was actually fairly recent. I love recounting this tale to my friends so they will know to actually think things through.
    Spoiler
    Show
    Mark(PC): Half-Dragon, poorly-built sorceror/fighter-dude
    Gurr(PC): Goliath Barbarian
    Ana(PC): Cleric of Alcina, a N/E goddess of Death
    Bill(NPC): Elf Ranger tracker for hire
    Ancho(NPC): Elf Ranger tracker for hire

    Note: This is the first campaign for Ana, one of a few for Gurr, and one of many for Mark. He should have known better.

    Long plot cut short, the PCs were hiking up a mountain to a necromancer's lair. They see a house further up the trail, about a half-mile away.
    • They fight a trench full of zombies
    • They encounter the necromancer himself outside
    • The necromancer used Blindness on Bill and Ancho
    • The necromancer used ray of enfeeblement on Mark, rolling a 6, paralyzing him. (I didn't know about the minimum of 1 STR clause at the time.)
    • The necromancer used a poisoned dagger to damage Gurr's DEX, paralyzing him as well.
    • Reduced to 0 hitpoints, rather than trying to retreat, the necromancer decides to be evil and cast a spell on Ana, eventually dying as a result.


    What more convincing does one need that this guy was a tricky and evil dude?

    blah blah blah, people get restored before approaching his house again.
    So I tell them that they get to the place where the battle took place, and I tell them they see the house:

    Me: What do you do now?
    Mark: We go into the house.
    Me: How? The house is way up the hill.
    Mark: Well, then we go up to the house.
    Me: Make a spot check.
    Mark: /fails
    Me: You step on a cleverly-hidden caltrop and take *rolls* damage.
    Ana: /healz
    Mark: Okay, now we go into the house.
    Ana: /facepalm
    Me: You're still not at the house yet.
    Ana: We walk really slowly, keeping an eye out for traps.
    Me: Great. They're easy to see once you know what you're looking for, and you make it up to the house just fine.
    Mark: We go into the house.
    Ana: /facepalm
    Me: Through the closed door?
    Mark: I open the door.
    Me: Are you wearing gloves?
    Mark: No.
    Me: Roll a fortitude save.


    My favorite... a campaign I did a little over 3 years ago. This is one of many tales involving Hugo Boulderdosh, the intimidating attorney/dentist/rain god.

    Spoiler
    Show
    The only character here who's relevant is Hugo Boulderdosh.

    He was a half-orc with greasy white hair which he always wore in a ponytail and he had the highest charisma in the party. He also had a cloak of featherfalling. This is relevant.

    Hugo collected titles. A guy had a toothache... one marvelously successful strength check later, and he gave himself the title of "dentist." A party member is in trouble with a city and is summoned to court, so he gives himself the title of "attorney" and represents them. He rolls a natural 26 on a STR check to spike a grappling hook into a counter top, and he gave himself another title along the line of "The intimidating."

    So, Hugo and friends are approaching a city.

    Hugo: I want to make some more friends.
    Party: We could go to the tavern.
    Hugo: You go to the tavern. I have an idea. Can I find a bucket?
    Me: Sure? The price is negligible.
    Hugo: What about a boring tool? (Like to bore a hole.)
    Me: Uhhhh.... 5 gold?
    Hugo: Okay. I fill the bucket with water and go to the highest building in town.

    *Insert haggling. I think we settled on a guard tower, and he got permission somehow. I'm very confused and mildly concerned at this point.*

    Hugo: I bore a hole in the bucket, get a running start, and leap off of the tower, gliding as far as I can, shouting, "I am HUGOOO BOULDERDOSH, God of RAIN!!!"

    Not only did this earn his character the title of "rain god," but I now have a custom rain god deity in my campaigns based off of him.
    "May not a day pass that you do not have either a hangnail or a parchment cut!"
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  12. - Top - End - #282
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    I once played a Wizard named Randall.

    To make a really long story short, he developed an obsession with learning and using dark magic. He ended up absorbing energy from a dark artifact once, and... Well for the second time in my roleplaying life I got possessed by the ancient spirit of a dark dragon and my party had to kill me.

    I didn't feel like making a new character, so I just swapped all of my dark powers for radiant powers with similar damage and effects.

    I called myself Randall the White, and instead of an obsession with dark magic it was radiant magic. He behaved himself from then on.

    Of course, in time the name Randall the White evolved into Randalph the White. It was quite an interesting campaign...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Paragon468 View Post
    I got possessed by the ancient spirit of a dark dragon and my party had to kill me.
    don't you just hate it when that happens?

    i remember a wild elf wardancer who always failed possession checks versus some homebrewed ghouls. i was playing a paladin custom-built for messing with evil's day: loaded on protections vs everything, heals, buffs, cures, the whole 9 yards.

    the wardancer gets possessed (4th time in the same fight, cleric's out at 0hp). i rush in.

    dm: you got a ghoul that falls on you and bites you. you are now paralyzed.
    me: immunity to paralysis
    dm: ok, roll a fear check.
    me: immune
    dm (exasperated): terror?
    me:immune
    dm (angry): sick?!
    me: paladin, remember? can i bean the sucker now?
    dm: yes
    *rolls an 8*
    dm: it takes 4 damage
    me: it's undead right? i got a blunt weapon
    dm: oh for the love of... wait, you killed it. the wardancer charges you
    me: i dodge *20*
    dm:you get behind him
    me: ok, i lay my hand on his shoulder and cast deliverance from possession (i think it was something along those lines. at least, that was the effect )
    wardancer: i lash out against the last ghoul *rolls 2 attacks, slaughters*
    dm: here's the scene. you got a shiny 3ft tall paladin that ran in on top of a wardog, had a ghoul fall on him, kill it without breaking stride, jump behind the wardancer, lay his hand on his shoulder in a "i got your back" kind of way, and the wardancer proceeds to kill the last ghoul.

    thanks to the dm's storytelling, the wardancer and i passed for back-to-back bad@sses!
    downer ending:
    Spoiler
    Show
    i got rid of his possessions an additional 3 times before he ate the bard and turned me into a kabob, that's life for you


    Quote Originally Posted by ManInOrange
    My favorite... a campaign I did a little over 3 years ago. This is one of many tales involving Hugo Boulderdosh, the intimidating attorney/dentist/rain god.
    too much win. can i borrow him as the patron saint of the lucky silver-tongued rogues?
    regarding my choice of sustenance:
    Quote Originally Posted by Raimun View Post
    I'm going to judge you.
    My judgement is: That is awesome.
    Quote Originally Posted by DigoDragon View Post
    GM: “If it doesn't move and it should, use duct tape. If it moves and it shouldn't, use a shotgun.”
    dm is Miltonian, credit where credit is due.

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    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Guizonde View Post
    don't you just hate it when that happens?
    Yeah... It happens a LOT in my group. It happened to a halfling three times in a twenty minute period.

    And that story is awesome, by the way (even with my passionate hatred toward paladins)

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    Barbarian in the Playground
     
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paragon468 View Post
    Yeah... It happens a LOT in my group. It happened to a halfling three times in a twenty minute period.

    And that story is awesome, by the way (even with my passionate hatred toward paladins)
    thanks, although i'm banned paladins now, if that comforts you. mind sharing the story? what was the cause of the possession?
    regarding my choice of sustenance:
    Quote Originally Posted by Raimun View Post
    I'm going to judge you.
    My judgement is: That is awesome.
    Quote Originally Posted by DigoDragon View Post
    GM: “If it doesn't move and it should, use duct tape. If it moves and it shouldn't, use a shotgun.”
    dm is Miltonian, credit where credit is due.

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    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Guizonde View Post
    thanks, although i'm banned paladins now, if that comforts you. mind sharing the story? what was the cause of the possession?
    The story of the halfling or the story of the wizard? Because the latter is a REALLY long story :P

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    Barbarian in the Playground
     
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    Why not tell both? I suggest the shorter one first though (a short story after an epic can diminish the effect sometimes).
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    This is from a D&D campaign I'm GMing. In this story, all you need to know is that there's a stereotypical half-Orc barbarian named Thunk. He goes into a bar and orders a cheap beer. He gets it, and he asks me how it tastes. Here is our story:

    Me: I dunno. Ok I guess. It's not awful, but it isn't anything special.
    Thunk: I stand up. Barkeep, this beer tastes like rancid moose urine!
    Dwarf Barkeep: Now see hear laddie, I-
    Thunk: I defecate on your bar! (To me, OOC) I defecate on his bar. [Note: He actually used the word "defecate" here rather than the 4-letter one you'd expect.]
    Me : Uhhh... Everyone just looks at you in stunned amazement. The barkeep just stares, open-mouthed, clearly unsure of what to make of the situation. Eventually, he regains his voice.
    Barkeep: I want you out! Now! Me mother is here, for cryin' out loud!
    Thunk: I defecate on your mother!
    Me: What?
    Thunk: I walk over to his mother and defecate on her too.
    Me: I-
    Thunk: Can I count it as an attack?
    Me (hesitant): Okaaaaay...
    Thunk: *rolls, natural 20*
    Me : You fling open your loincloth and **** all over a terrified, elderly dwarven lady. The shock of it is more than her little old heart can take and she falls over, dead.
    Thunk: Hoaray! *to barkeep* Let that be a lesson to you!
    Barkeep: MA!!!

    Needless to say, a barfight ensued. Thunk's skull remains mounted on the barkeep's wall to this day.

    Also to this day, I have no idea why Thunk's player chose to do that.
    Last edited by Henry the 57th; 2013-01-04 at 03:33 AM.
    "All generalizations are false."
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    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Guizonde's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Henry the 57th

    Also to this day, I have no idea why Thunk's player chose to do that.
    do you really have to wonder? it was hilarious! for the lulz would be my best guess, and (language aside) does fit into a kind of good roleplay. next time i play a barbarian, i will try that, although i have a tendency to *eat* the barkeep
    regarding my choice of sustenance:
    Quote Originally Posted by Raimun View Post
    I'm going to judge you.
    My judgement is: That is awesome.
    Quote Originally Posted by DigoDragon View Post
    GM: “If it doesn't move and it should, use duct tape. If it moves and it shouldn't, use a shotgun.”
    dm is Miltonian, credit where credit is due.

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    GnomeWizardGuy

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    In this story, it was D&D 4E, I was the DM, and I had a group of level 1s (it was a new group), and I was very new at the time. The important people are Me, Hawken (Half-orc barbarian) and Jace (Dragonborn Sorcerer).

    (Note: I generally have everyone go into a different room while I draw the map, but it wouldn't be too hard for people to see, And there was a huge trap in the entrance of the room)
    *Hawken goes first, and takes a path into the room that has him move 1 extra square and end up in an awkward place compared to a normal path, but it goes right on the boundaries of the trap*
    Me: Hawken! Why are you metagaming?
    Hawken: I wasn't metagaming!
    Me: You took a direct path around the trap in the room
    Hawken: Oh. I didn't know it was there
    *Other members of the group then proceed to prove that he couldn't of seen it, as he was in the other room with them*
    Me: Ok, fine. Let's go on. Jace, it's your turn.
    *Jace then proceeds to walk straight into the trap (even though he has ranged spells w/ enemies in sight) and falls into the hole*

    I wasn't really sure what to think at that point.
    "Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons"
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    Zombie

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    My Shin Megami Tensei campaign was continuing on today, got a lot of really wierd parts.

    While they were out and around China looking for spirits to drag into their party, I found a giant bird and fish spirit called "Peng Kun". A bit shaky on what the heck that was, I just decided it was a really big penguin.

    Spoiler
    Show
    Me: You see a 16 foot tall penguin carrying a big stick.
    Player 1: We'll go say "hi" to it.
    Penguin: Oh, hello there. What did all of you want?
    Player 1: We were just hoping we could interest you in coming with us on some kind of adventure, you know, see the world, help us fight off evil and so on.
    Penguin: Oh, I couldn't do that. Much to busy with my job, my boss would never let me off to do that.
    Player 3: What job would that be?
    Penguin: Oh keeping away drunkards and yuppies, you know, sort of like you guys. Oops. Oh well, he hasn't had any guests in over a thousand years, he's probably OK to see someone by now.
    Player 3: Who's your boss exactly?
    Penguin: That'd be Peng Kun of course.
    Player 1: ...
    Player 3: ...
    Player 1: I guess, uh, could we maybe talk to your boss for a bit?
    Penguin: Well, I think it's about due time I woke him up from his nap. Hold on a second.
    Me: The ice under you is shaking violently, and cracking apart. Scrabbling off the ice, you can see a domed black head like a hill rising up out of the ice. Shortly after, a head the size of a face from mount Rushmore emerges from the water.
    Player 1: ... Think we were looking for something a little over our pay grade.


    After they had finished talking to Peng Kun, they had wandered off to try and get a Korean fox spirit into their party, then after she joined up, they went to Japan to get a Japanese fox spirit (why they wanted either I have no idea.) On the way around Japan, they met some loud people arguing.

    Spoiler
    Show
    Player 1: What are they arguing about?
    Me: They're trying to decide how to cook something. Stew it into an oden or slice it up into strips and eat it raw.
    Player 2: Hey, well, we could help them cook.
    Player 1: Yeah, it sounds like we could help here.
    Player 2: Hey, what are you guys trying to cook?
    Guys over the hill: A sack of old farmers.
    Player 1:...
    Player 2:...
    Player 3:...
    Guys over the hill: They're stringy and tough, so it's hard to decide how to best eat them.

    Eventually the party ticks them off enough by insulting their cooking to get into a fight. Going over the hill, they see a red and blue oni.

    Me: The ogre swings the bag of old people at you. Take 13 damage.
    Player 1: Owwwwww. Also that's terrible.

    Me: OK, they'll agree to listen to you here. Since they threw the bag at you guys you have the bag.
    Ogres: Look, we don't really have anything else to cook here with, you should just let us eat the old people however we want, or just cook them for us or something.
    Player 1: You have rice don't you?
    Ogres: Of course we have rice! But you can't live on rice alone, you need to eat some farmers with it! Even if they are old and tough!
    Player 2: Don't you have some fish or something?
    Ogres: We don't want to just eat fish, we have this meat here. Even if it's tough, having meat is better than not.
    Player 1: Look, well we have the bag right now, just let us take it and replace them with something else? Like maybe some nice potatoes?
    Player 2: How about this, whatever we cook for you, if it's better than what you can make, you join up with us instead of eating all those old people.
    Ogres: Oh, so like iron chef style battle.
    Player 2: Exactly.
    Ogres: With the secret ingredient of old people!
    Player 2: NO!
    Ogres: Look, the only things we have around here are old people or rice, and the secret ingredient can't very well be rice.
    Player 2: Isn't there anything at all you could cook instead?
    Me: Has it occurred to any of you to open the bag, maybe stabilize the old people?
    Player 1: Oh yeah! Actually, they're probably all toast anyway.

    Me: OK, so you manage to save all but 2 of the old people.
    Player 1: OK, screw it, so we'll cook the 2 ones that didn't make it, 1 per each team.
    Player 3: Another reason for me to be drinking.

    Player 2: Doesn't the Korean fox spirit eat people? What's her opinion on using this as an ingredient.
    Me: The fox spirit looks at you with a raw, still steaming heart in her hands and her face and hands covered in blood. She looks at you as she takes a bite and says "What?"
    Player 1: I forgot why we're doing this already.


    After winning the cooking challenge, and freeing the four remaining old people, the group continued on hoping to find a Japanese fox spirit. They find one advocating a vegetarian diet based around tofu a day later at a shrine to Inari.

    Spoiler
    Show
    Player 2: After that whole old people thing, I think a vegetarian diet sounds like a great idea.
    Me: You're hampered when you see the Korean fox spirit coming up behind you, her mouth and hands bloody as she chomps on a heart.
    Player 1: Where on earth did you get that?
    Fox: Didn't look like one of those old guys you saved would make it, put him outta his misery.
    Player 1: ... Whatever.
    Player 2: Yup, months of tofu sounds amazing.


    Yup, today by far had the worst encounters I ever had to adjudicate. I've seen groups that have tried to save the vics, I've seen people who didn't care, but people who tried to save them, ended up cooking some, that's just odd.
    Last edited by Yukitsu; 2013-01-05 at 03:14 AM.
    Me: I'd get the paladin to help, but we might end up with a kid that believes in fairy tales.
    DM: aye, and it's not like she's been saved by a mysterious little girl and a band of real live puppets from a bad man and worse step-sister to go live with the faries in the happy land.
    Me: Yeah, a knight in shining armour might just bring her over the edge.

  22. - Top - End - #292
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    Doorhandle's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Henry the 57th View Post
    This is from a D&D campaign I'm GMing. In this story, all you need to know is that there's a stereotypical half-Orc barbarian named Thunk. He goes into a bar and orders a cheap beer. He gets it, and he asks me how it tastes. Here is our story:

    Me: I dunno. Ok I guess. It's not awful, but it isn't anything special.
    Thunk: I stand up. Barkeep, this beer tastes like rancid moose urine!
    Dwarf Barkeep: Now see hear laddie, I-
    Thunk: I defecate on your bar! (To me, OOC) I defecate on his bar. [Note: He actually used the word "defecate" here rather than the 4-letter one you'd expect.]
    Me : Uhhh... Everyone just looks at you in stunned amazement. The barkeep just stares, open-mouthed, clearly unsure of what to make of the situation. Eventually, he regains his voice.
    Barkeep: I want you out! Now! Me mother is here, for cryin' out loud!
    Thunk: I defecate on your mother!
    Me: What?
    Thunk: I walk over to his mother and defecate on her too.
    Me: I-
    Thunk: Can I count it as an attack?
    Me (hesitant): Okaaaaay...
    Thunk: *rolls, natural 20*
    Me : You fling open your loincloth and **** all over a terrified, elderly dwarven lady. The shock of it is more than her little old heart can take and she falls over, dead.
    Thunk: Hoaray! *to barkeep* Let that be a lesson to you!
    Barkeep: MA!!!

    Needless to say, a barfight ensued. Thunk's skull remains mounted on the barkeep's wall to this day.

    Also to this day, I have no idea why Thunk's player chose to do that.
    I guess you could say he was... Full of ****.
    Spoiler
    Show



    Also, It should be a point made to all players that just because you can do something doesn't mean it's a good idea.


    Yup, today by far had the worst encounters I ever had to adjudicate. I've seen groups that have tried to save the vics, I've seen people who didn't care, but people who tried to save them, ended up cooking some, that's just odd.

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    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Something rather interesting happened to me last night...

    My party and I were in a huge cave searching for an NPC that was captured by goblins. We descended to a lower level to find that most of it was submerged in 10 feet of water. All of the players succeeded their swim checks, but my character (human fighter) swam off a separate way to investigate a noise.

    I swam to where the noise was and discovered three people chained to the walls of the cave: two of them mangled and mutilated, and the other barely alive. I proceeded to free the living one from his chains, but I had to roll insanely high on my athletics check to take him back to my allies, who had since made it to land.

    I figured my athletics check was high enough, and I had some decent skill bonuses from the Leader of the party. Buuut, I rolled a 1. After sinking to the bottom I ended up just walking along the bottom to the tiny little piece of land below the area he was hanging. Since he was obviously in need of some healing, I rolled a heal check... 1. So he ended up taking more damage.

    This was getting irritating so I decided to bring him back to my party. I made another athletics check to swim, and... 1. It was terrible. Finally I just said "screw this", grabbed the chain that was still wrapped around his ankles, and proceeded to walk along the bottom, some 20 odd squares to my allies.

    I guess I forgot that commoners don't have the same hit points 6th level fighters do. That's what happens to my party at 3AM.... That poor man. I didn't even get experience points for him.

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    While shopping at a store, the Paladin decides to try and Intimidate the owner to get him to give us the stuff for free (4e, and a new player).

    Roll: 1

    Reaction: Yeah, you can have it, right after I CALL THE GUARDS.

    Cue chase scene.

    Oh, and while not in-game, there was the time our Cleric said, "I'm gonna use *Spell* and then just stand there and eat a bagel."

    Then, while we went around the table, he actually literally pulls a bagel (with butter!) out of his pocket and starts eating it without anyone noticing.

    This is also the player who randomly puts a spider on the board and calls it his evil self.
    Last edited by Nyes the Dark; 2013-01-05 at 04:01 PM.
    Thanks to flumphy for the avatar

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    So i thought i would post some from our saturday game and a bit earlier. Plus accept that we are a wacky party at nearly all times...

    The Party:
    Me-Sir Barak Humanbane, 4th level (made 6th level before session ended and did stuff as 6th level) Halfling Cleric of St. Cuthbert
    Mark-Kobold sorc(?)/Urpriest, who thinks he used to be a god of neutral dragons, he can do what Elan did with the Banjo puppet in the dungeon section (Look at the lightning in the second to last comic, before it did nonlethal damage, now it does d3 since he meet some psuedodragons, also Mark is a powergamer
    Adam-An elf Book of nine swordser, a powergamer, also crazy and pyschotic
    Blake-7th level elf wizard, powergamer, crazy and pyschotic

    Ethan-the DM

    Party Alignments:
    Me-LN
    Mark-N
    Adam-Was NG, now TN or N
    Blake-NE

    The Story:

    So we got hired, no wait not hired-asked, by Tam, an annoying wizard to go explore, which we did. We found a gold mine infested by spiders, go figure, with one spider lurking under the water beneath a wood bridge in the cave. The gold mine was a cave. After killing the spiders, Mark and Adam set about mining the gold.

    A short time afterward, a halfling chick named Anna showed up. For reasons unexplained, some halflings can only use telepathy...ummm? So she gives my character a ring to communicate with and i learn we need to pick up our new partymember(blake) from her village.

    On the way, of course, is a swamp filled with wraiths that only come out at night. So only i volunteer to travel, leaving the other two partymembers to keep mining gold and lumber. I get a firewolf (wolfy who breathes fire) as a steed and we(me and anne) make it her village, passing blake and his telepathic guide on the way in the swamp.

    So apparently blake left the village while I was on my way there and he fought the wraiths and murdered his guide. I didn't know and it caused an out of game argument since mark and adam had chosen to remain behind.

    I learn what i was supposed to learn and can get teleported back by my deity to the cave with the gold mine. So i do, and have blake ported into a tree by the mine.

    I get a vision suggesting that the orcs (who drove everybody from the old world to the new world some time ago and didn't follow) are going to invade by sea and that we need to go back to a town. so we picked up and left, bringing anne along.

    So there we called a night.

    On saturday:

    On our way back to town, we encounter more of the halfling bandits we had origionally encountered on the way to the mine. We found their hideout and 3 of us (Mark, me, and anne) go inside. once we get down the ladder...

    Me: I cast "Detect Magic".
    Ethan: You detect some faint magic (conjuration/abjuration)
    Me: I investigate.
    E: You find a glyph on the only door to use.
    Me, plus mark: I use/cast "read Magic"
    E: It's a glyph of warding with cloudkill that doesn't harm halflings.
    Mark: Frak
    Me: I have Anne search the door for traps. (She does, but since she is a ranger she doesn't happen to find anything)
    E: no traps.
    Me: I go through the door. and have Anne follow and we get Mark through without setting off the glyph.

    So we continue exploring and enter a barracks with three sleeping halflings. We sneak up to knock them out, but one hears us, the one i am approaching.

    E, as halfling: Who is it? Who's there?
    Me, using bluff: Umm, Ted. I'm new.
    E: oh, okay. Hi ted. (rolls over to study us, points to Mark) what is that?
    Mark, using bluff: I am a halfling that got turned into a newt by a witch.
    E: uhh, okay. (to me) Whats his name?
    Me: Umm, Phil.
    Me, using diplomacy: I'm new, can you tell me about this operation?
    E, spends time spilling the beans to his friend, "ted"

    So we find out about this cook and wizard. We go to quiet down the cook. also during this time, for reasons currently unexplained, each of the halfling we have encountered so far and do encounter all say hi to Anne, having apparently met her in her village. So all these halflings are mute telepaths, that only i can hear because of my ring.

    We encounter the cook and cause a bit of a ruckus, then mark goes to use alter self to burrow a tunnel for adam and blake in the halfling bandit den privy. the noise brings my friend from the barracks named Leonerd and the other two to show up needing to pee.

    E, as halfings with leonerd behind them: We need to pee.
    Me: Hey, i just got here shortly. somebody told me that the cave started to collapse, in the privy and here in the kitchen and in the loot room.
    E: Darn, we really need to pee.
    Me: Try going outside. there some bushes and trees. (stammering or being dumb, rolling and failing bluff) There are some dangerous elves out there.
    Cue party getting ticked off.
    Me: Those elves are dangerous and want to kill halflings. Beware the Trees. The Elves are Trees! (this is where the bluff check failed) Don't use the trees, they are Elves!
    Party: What??
    Mark: I am totally using that.
    The two halflings leave. Given that we found the hole because our mage cast deeper slumber and knocked out some halflings that were fleeing Adam was a leaping around to attack things.

    Earlier in the game, we met some psuedodragons who combined their powers, and shared his delusions with him, making him stronger. They joined us.

    So the halflings leave leonerd with me and anne, and he goes to taste some soup the cook was making. Mark finishes the tunnel and comes out as halfling (he had a hat of disguise) wearing only pants.
    Mark: See, i got better.

    So Leonerd (hofstader, we were watching big bang theory the previous night and while we were waiting for blake to arrive) starts tasting the soup.
    Me: I shove his head in the soup. Rolls
    E: You succeed, he starts screaming.
    Adam comes in, having made it down the tunnel, kills leonerd.

    We have a fight with the wizard, take her prisoner, i execute her after blake tortures her for information. we then interrogate some more prisoners then dig up some dead bodies and re bury the elven ones.

    During that, blake asks/tells the prisoners to dig up the dead bodies...
    Blake: Dig up the bodies.
    Halfling prisoners: No way.
    Blake, kills one of the halflings: Dig them up.
    Surviving prisoners: No way.
    Blake proceeds threaten them to no effect.

    We have Anne search the wizard's desk for traps, in which we learn she actually can't search for traps. Oopps!

    Blake has me prepare some "speak with deads" since i have reached 6th level now. I do, and we recruit something like 28 humans who are totally fine with blake using them as skeletons to enact vengence.

    Also, mark picked up leadership, recruiting one of his 4 pseudodragons as a cohort. and i pick up Anne using leadership as a cohort through the following method.

    Me: Hey, Anne (E), i want you for my cohort.
    E, as Anne: What? Are you proposing to me?
    Me: What the F? What do you mean?
    E: Thats how it works.
    Me: crap, fine i guess.
    Blake: Dearly Eviled, we are gathered here today...

    During that evening while i am asleep St. Cuthbert shows up.
    Cuthbert: Hail, servant.
    ME: Hail, Master! Forgive your servant for his assocation with blake's character, the pyschotic elf mage.
    Cuthbert: It's cool. You will need your pyschotic elf mage until the end. Don't tell any of the others what i am going to tell you.
    Me: Okay. What do you have to tell me?
    Cuthbert: People that you know from home have (are) gone.
    Me: Well, some people were killed by the halflings bandits, and some were saying they were going on vacation. Are they gone because the halflings killed them or gone for another reason?
    Cuthbert: No, they are gone and not killed by halflings.
    Me: Can you tell me why or how?
    Cuthbert: No. That's something you need to find out.
    Me: Great, thanks for telling me some semi-useless information. Can you tell me anything actually useful or helpful?
    Cuthbert: Don't tell your party members what i told you. and keep the crazy elf mage alive, you will need him later.
    Me: yeah, i got that the first time.
    Cuthbert leaves.
    Me: Bloody annoying.

    So the party gets up and we head to town, except its not there. So blake does an astronomy thing, and we find out that we have gone back 175 years in time.

    Someone in the party: Lets go visit the gold mine. So we do, while blake has the undead start to build a boat so we can visit the old world.
    We go to the mine where we find, henry. Henry is the living dude that had been killed by spiders and whose body was in the cave/mine. We talk to him and examine his journel. We find out that he will be killed 15 years later by spiders.
    The party: You should come with us, you die in here (the cave/mine)
    Henry: I don't know.
    Adam: You get killed by spiders and we find your body.
    Henry: ....
    Adam: You spend fifteen years alone, then the spiders kill you. You should come with us. That way, the spiders don't kill you and you aren't lonely for years.
    Henry: uhhhh, i will ask Pelor in the morning.

    Come morning, Henry: Pelor says to help you out and go with you.

    So we mine the gold mine again, and tell henry about what things look like and do the whole future predictions thing. WE learn from henry whats happenign in the old world that matters to us.

    Henry: I would have left, but my plane shift wasn't working before. oh, now its working since pelor said i was supposed to help you out.
    We have summon a lantern archon to help us move the gold and undead mine and refine it.

    Adam/Blake: Based on the number of tons we have mined, we have 3 million gold coins. Split up between everybody, that is 750,000 gold coins.
    Party: Booyah!!! Shopping Spree.
    Adam, to DM: Can we have the Lantern Archon buy stuff for us in the old world?
    Ethan: Yep.

    So we do, and we need to go to the old world to stop or change the orc wars leading to everybody heading over to where we are in the new world.

    Yeah....I got married and got 750,000 gold. Looking good.
    Last edited by russdm; 2013-01-07 at 09:29 PM.
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  26. - Top - End - #296
    Halfling in the Playground
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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by LadyFoxfire View Post
    How to Win the Tomb of Horrors

    Spoiler
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    Characters:
    My character, Lisa the 14th level human enchantress
    Haas, 17th level Yuan-ti necromancer
    Nadja, 16th level Yuan-ti envoker
    A 15th level Death Knight whose name I can't remember

    We're doing the Tomb of Horrors module, and doing pretty well at it. We get to a corridor that ends in a doorway and a statue with an open mouth that reveals only blackness. Now I know that most of you already know what that is, but at the time I had no idea, so there's no metagaming here. Nadja and Haas start examining the door, the Death Knight keeps watch, and I go to look at the statue. I assume that it's probably magical darkness, and look at my character sheet to see if I have anything that would help. I notice that I have a "torch of continual light", which is actually just a torch I cast continual light on, and keep in a heavy bag when I'm not using. I know that continual light cancels out magical darkness, so I thrust my torch into the blackness. The DM tells me to roll a save, which I make, and he tells me that something pulls at my torch, and I barely avoid having my arm pulled into the darkness. I pull my torch out, and the top six inches of it are just gone. A quick identification spell reveals that it is indeed a sphere of annihilation, and that I was lucky I only lost my torch.

    Later, we get to a magical portal. We don't know where it leads, so Haas summons a skeleton, casts corpse link on it so he can see what it sees, and sends it through. It catches a brief glimpse of a Demi-lich before being destroyed. We buff up, get ready to attack, and leap through the portal. Suddenly, the two Yuan-tis and I are back at the entrance of the tomb, missing the Death Knight and all of our gear. The DM tells us over the table that the portal sends all non-living matter to the demi-lich's lair, and sends all living matter back outside. I use a limited wish to rewind time thirty seconds, and we try to come up with another plan. We realize that since the skeleton and death knight got through, the portal must allow undead to pass. So if we want to defeat this monster, the DK is going to have to do it on his own. Sounded like a tough fight, but then he pointed out that the easiest way to kill a demi-lich is to cast Power Word: Kill from the ethereal plane, and what do you know, he has a mount that can go ethereal and he gets Power Word as a racial ability. The DM didn't even make play out the combat, he just said "you win, here's the treasure".
    or you could just use the orange gem to wish the demi-lich dead. ^^


    a story from my group: epic fetch...

    the perfect weapon

    Spoiler
    Show
    we were wandering around in some caves and found a cavern with some fluorescing gem formations on the walls. some investigation and spellcasting revealed that these gems would permanently enchant masterwork weapons with a small amount of energy damage. cue the monk's player wanting in on this action. the dm enquired if the monk counted as a masterwork weapon. whereupon the player, a middle-aged, receding hairline, chubby individual (perhaps unconsciously) sat up straight, sucked in his gut, turned his head to the side stared off into the middle distance, and said with a perfectly straight and serious mien, "My entire body is a masterwork weapon".

    stunned silence followed by much laughter.

    realizing how else what he had said could be interpreted, he laughed along with everyone, but then gamely managed to come up with some fairly logical justification for it. i think the dm gave it to him for the laugh, however.
    Last edited by nijineko; 2013-01-08 at 01:30 AM.
    Arukibito ga michi wo erabu no ka, michi ga arukibito wo erabu no deshyo ka?

  27. - Top - End - #297
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    DwarfFighterGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Earlier tonight I ran my game, a Gestalt Pathfinder run through Curse of the Crimson Throne with two players. The characters are level 5, and they're on the Lady Andaisin fight. I allowed them to rest up before going down to confront her, and for the most part I was right to do so...

    The characters are a Zen Archer Monk // Druid with a Longbow, and a Armored Hulk Barbarian // Cleric of Sarenrae with a Greataxe. Typically their damage is around ~20 each round, assuming average rolls. They aren't min-maxers.

    Anyway! For the first half of the fight, they nearly had a tpk. The Barbarian was feared back up the hallway while she afflicted the Archer with blindness and started to wail away at him. He was dropped to ~3 health before the Barbarian was able to return, and forced her attention to him. The Archer was able to slip away, to the wall, to do some self healing via potions before returning to the fight wildshaped into a bat, while the Barbarian just couldn't seem to hit Andaisin for any significant damage. Every power attack missed, and when he DID manage to hit, he rolled minimum damage. Slowly, with the help of the Archer's summoned swarms, they wittled her down to death.
    By this time, the Barbarian had used every single one of his remaining spells (Andaisin had gotten two nasty crits in) just to keep the pair of them alive, along with a couple of Channel Energies. The Druid hadn't prepared healing, so that was the extent of what they could manage.
    Before Andaisin's revival, he used his last Channel Energies to get the pair of them to decent health. Good instinct. But when she rose back up, they encountered unrealistic luck. The Archer, having returned to his normal form, successfully managed to locate her direction and let his arrows fly. That first round, he shot 3 arrows. 50% miss chance for being blind... Didn't faze him at all. He managed 2 crits and a hit totaling to over HALF of her health. And then the Barbarian charged back in and crit as well, finishing her before she could do ANYTHING. It seems Gazreh and Sarenrae chose to intervene in that fight as well.

    So all of a sudden those <10 rolls on a d20 they had largely been rolling became 3 20's out of 4 attack rolls, with critical confirmations. And then, to boot, the d8s and d12 were on the very high end of their range for every roll. It was absolutely ridiculous.

    TLDR; A two phase fight. First, easier phase nearly killed both players. Second, supposed to be horrifying phase was shut down in a single round by 3(!) crits dealing over 110 damage.
    Last edited by Gimur; 2013-01-08 at 04:59 AM.

  28. - Top - End - #298
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Doorhandle's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by Gimur View Post
    Earlier tonight I ran my game, a Gestalt Pathfinder run through Curse of the Crimson Throne with two players. The characters are level 5, and they're on the Lady Andaisin fight. I allowed them to rest up before going down to confront her, and for the most part I was right to do so...

    The characters are a Zen Archer Monk // Druid with a Longbow, and a Armored Hulk Barbarian // Cleric of Sarenrae with a Greataxe. Typically their damage is around ~20 each round, assuming average rolls. They aren't min-maxers.

    Anyway! For the first half of the fight, they nearly had a tpk. The Barbarian was feared back up the hallway while she afflicted the Archer with blindness and started to wail away at him. He was dropped to ~3 health before the Barbarian was able to return, and forced her attention to him. The Archer was able to slip away, to the wall, to do some self healing via potions before returning to the fight wildshaped into a bat, while the Barbarian just couldn't seem to hit Andaisin for any significant damage. Every power attack missed, and when he DID manage to hit, he rolled minimum damage. Slowly, with the help of the Archer's summoned swarms, they wittled her down to death.
    By this time, the Barbarian had used every single one of his remaining spells (Andaisin had gotten two nasty crits in) just to keep the pair of them alive, along with a couple of Channel Energies. The Druid hadn't prepared healing, so that was the extent of what they could manage.
    Before Andaisin's revival, he used his last Channel Energies to get the pair of them to decent health. Good instinct. But when she rose back up, they encountered unrealistic luck. The Archer, having returned to his normal form, successfully managed to locate her direction and let his arrows fly. That first round, he shot 3 arrows. 50% miss chance for being blind... Didn't faze him at all. He managed 2 crits and a hit totaling to over HALF of her health. And then the Barbarian charged back in and crit as well, finishing her before she could do ANYTHING. It seems Gazreh and Sarenrae chose to intervene in that fight as well.

    So all of a sudden those <10 rolls on a d20 they had largely been rolling became 3 20's out of 4 attack rolls, with critical confirmations. And then, to boot, the d8s and d12 were on the very high end of their range for every roll. It was absolutely ridiculous.

    TLDR; A two phase fight. First, easier phase nearly killed both players. Second, supposed to be horrifying phase was shut down in a single round by 3(!) crits dealing over 110 damage.
    I imagine it went down somthing like this:


    *Pant* *pant* "....thank god that's over." *sigh.*
    "rrrrrRRRAAARRRRGGHHH! ROUND TWO, BI-"
    "OH NO YOU DON'T!" *THWICRUNCH*
    Last edited by Doorhandle; 2013-01-09 at 02:13 AM.
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  29. - Top - End - #299
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    ElfWarriorGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Hello there! Long time watcher, first time poster! I've never actually played D&D yet, but I've played a similar game - Chivalry & Sorcery (1st edition), which has its own unique systems of magic and combat, complete with backfires and blunders, both for us, and our enemies.

    The party (for now):
    Moric, the "unorthodox" knight errant
    Oromis, the wood-elven wizard/fighter (me)
    Andrew, the human cleric
    Marc and William, two squires to Moric
    And Joseph King... The bard.

    Once, our party was camping in the woods when we came across, I kid you not, a giant skunk. It didn't bother us, and most of us didn't want to bother it - except Marc, the squire, who tried to throw a spear at it. Fortunately, we managed to stop him from doing so, but his character lost an iQ point for doing something that dumb.

    Once, when separated from my party, I ran into a bunch of kobolds, along with a pack of wargs. Not wanting to be mauled, I quickly climbed a tree. The kobolds were, (un)fortunately, drunk, and I spent an uncomfortable night stuck in a tree, being laughed at by little kobolds, as well as the other players, especially the bard.

    Later, when said bard went to go take a nighttime leak in the woods, he was ambushed by kobolds, mugged, and left in the wilderness. We later found him, and our characters couldn't believe his story: Who gets mugged by kobolds?

    Once, we were fighting an evil mage who specialized in summoning, and it was shaping to be a tough battle. During the battle, the mage rolled a natural fumble, and managed to summon a nearby dragon. A PROUD dragon, who quickly repaid the mage by squishing him into a nonexistent pulp. Literally.

    It may not be D&D, but it's still as fun, if not more so. I can cast unlimited fireballs a day! (Lawful good elf, often in a forest )

  30. - Top - End - #300
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Guizonde's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by Oromis1 View Post
    Once, our party was camping in the woods when we came across, I kid you not, a giant skunk. It didn't bother us, and most of us didn't want to bother it - except Marc, the squire, who tried to throw a spear at it. Fortunately, we managed to stop him from doing so, but his character lost an iQ point for doing something that dumb.

    Once, when separated from my party, I ran into a bunch of kobolds, along with a pack of wargs. Not wanting to be mauled, I quickly climbed a tree. The kobolds were, (un)fortunately, drunk, and I spent an uncomfortable night stuck in a tree, being laughed at by little kobolds, as well as the other players, especially the bard.

    Later, when said bard went to go take a nighttime leak in the woods, he was ambushed by kobolds, mugged, and left in the wilderness. We later found him, and our characters couldn't believe his story: Who gets mugged by kobolds?

    Once, we were fighting an evil mage who specialized in summoning, and it was shaping to be a tough battle. During the battle, the mage rolled a natural fumble, and managed to summon a nearby dragon. A PROUD dragon, who quickly repaid the mage by squishing him into a nonexistent pulp. Literally.

    It may not be D&D, but it's still as fun, if not more so. I can cast unlimited fireballs a day! (Lawful good elf, often in a forest )
    are you sure you didn't steal my gaming group? that sounds like things we would come across and do! (well, in warhammer at least... in DnD, a bit less, except for getting squished by a dragon)
    regarding my choice of sustenance:
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    I'm going to judge you.
    My judgement is: That is awesome.
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    GM: “If it doesn't move and it should, use duct tape. If it moves and it shouldn't, use a shotgun.”
    dm is Miltonian, credit where credit is due.

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