More Funny D&D Stories

[Porqueno]

So me and another member of our party split off to go check out a grove where we were meant to meet a wizard, the wizard wasn't there but he'd left a gnome minion to talk with us. Unfortunately this gnome was living inside a tree at the grove, and desperately wanted to be a dryad. This is generally how gnomes behave in this campaign world, in a very goofy nonsensical way. Anyway, as luck would have it the gnome could communicate telepathically with me as I stood outside the tree. Also as luck would have it, I wasn't the one who needed to talk to the gnome so I had to repeat everything the gnome was saying to me, then my friend would relay her response to me, which I would then repeat to the gnome. and so on, and so forth.

TLDR: I'm the telephone wire between a gnome who wants to be a dryad and my fellow adventurer

So, I decided that since my character isn't the brightest, he would repeat what people said verbatim, not offering any interpretation. This led to much confusion when either of the other characters would use subjective pronouns like "you" or "I". Now gradually we got into a rythm and the dialogue just got very quick and it led to a DnD equivalent of who's on first. I guess you had to be there... it was hillarious though

[Doorhandle]

Not sure how funny they will be to you guys, but I enjoyed that character immensely.

Not to self: Do not challange Darklink's charcters. To a contest of ANYTHING.

[Windy]

My character is the group leader in our current game, and while I don't usually flex my authority I do sometimes have fun with the position. At one point, the party found a wrecked flying ship. We made the best repairs we could and gathered on the bridge to see if she'd fly again. My character calmly walked over to the captain's chair and sat down.

"Number One," he said, "Set course for home. Engage."

[darklink_shadow]

Not to self: Do not challange Darklink's charcters. To a contest of ANYTHING.

Not my fault! They SAID to make broken characters. Not my fault I could break it better than them...

[AClockworkMelon]

I've got a bunch, but I'll share just one for now: During a long-running campaign I'd DM'd a few years ago the party was engaged in a knock-down, drag-out fight with a hydra in its underground lair. One party member was in trouble and it looked as if it might be curtains for him. The sorcerer in the party had a spell to save him but it required touch and the distance between the two of them was too great for him to deliver it.

This was it. A climactic fight against a huge monster and one character wouldn't be alive to celebrate the victory. It was only after a few moments of frustrated brainstorming that it hit the party: The sorcerer's familiar, a toad named Trevor. He took Trevor in hand and tossed the poor thing across the room, passing the ranged touch attack roll I made him make. Trevor the toad soared through the air, complete with miniature cape that, I kid you not, the player had made after several levels of taking skill points in Craft (Miniature Cape). The toad landed square on the endangered character and the sorcerer was able to cast the touch spell through it, saving the day.

That wasn't the only memorable moment from that epic battle, but it's certainly my favorite.

[Zelphas]

I haven't DMed for my group in months, but this session had some pretty funny moments, again starring the hapless half elf/half drow rogue named Kai. (D&D 3.5, in case anyone wants to know.)

The Party (All level 7 now)

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Kai (CN), the aforementioned Elf/Drow Rogue/Swordsage
Shaiya (CN), the Fennec Foxkin assassin
Naranya (CN), the Catfolk Ninja/Rogue
Kiri (CN), the Kitsune pretending to be an Elf Wizard specializing in illusion
Elenia (LG), the High Elf Cleric of St. Cuthbert/ only sane member of the party

Getitoffgetitoffgetitoff!

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The party had just managed to save a small group of people, including a Lord's son, from a Formian hive. They were now headed to a Neogi trade camp in search of a vaguely described crown for their patron. After finding out what the Neogi actually were (spider body with eel neck and head, mind-control powers, think that everything belongs or will belong to them), the party is expecting a tough time getting in and out of this camp. As they are heading there, they are attacked by a swarm of Neogi Spawn (ugly baby Neogi that eat everything in sight).
It takes them less than a round to take care of the creepy little monsters--all but one, that is. This little guy launches itself onto Kai's head and spends the better part of two rounds scuttling around while Kai hops around screaming "Getitoffgetitoffgetitoff!" The first round, everyone tries to grab the thing off of Kai's head. Every single player fails their touch attack roll. Kiri sends her cat on top of Kai's head to do battle with the little beast, but it barely scratches the thing.
Finally, after nearly an entire second round where the creature unsuccessfully tried to bite the cat, scuttled around some more, and stuck its tongue out at everyone, Kiri manages to basically poke the thing off of Kai's head with her quarterstaff. The Neogi immediately goes for Kai's foot, but can't get through the boot (failed its attack roll), and Kai dispatches it quickly afterwards. By this time, the Great Old Master(old, crazy Neogi that literally has the spawn eat their way out of it as their reproduction cycle) has made it to the top of the hill, so they now have that to deal with.

Property Damage

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The Party successfully manages to bring down the Great Old Master rather quickly, and are now in the Neogi trade camp. They find a shop specializing in magical hatwear, and head inside. the shopkeeper (a Neogi by the name of K'diil) greets them and asks them what they'd like to see. They ask for a crown near to him, and he commands an enslaved Goliath woman to grab it and bring it to the adventurers.
This Goliath was just an NPC I created on a whim, a barbarian of roughly the character's level named Kuori "Blessing" Muaguamathoaguakam. (Goliaths have ridiculous tribal names. Utterly ridiculous.) She was supposed to be a curiosity to the characters, a creature obviously being held against her will, maybe a test of morality for Elenia. Then I rolled her will save against the Enslave ability, and everything changed.
Suddenly, Kuori brings the crown down on K'diil's head, screaming curses at him. K'diil runs to the side and tries to enslave her again, forcing a will save. Nat 20. She screams at him and swings with the crown again. Nat 1. The crown goes flying across the room, smacking Kai full in the face and dealing a moderate amount of damage.
K'diil manages to grab Kuori with a Hold Person spell, offering the adventurers half-price on anything if they knock her unconscious. Kai shrugs and heads forward with his sword while Elenia tries desperately to think of a way to salvage this situation. Kai hits Kuori for 23 nonlethal damage, but that isn't nearly enough to bring down a raging female Goliath. It's Kuori's turn, and she tries again to break out of the Hold Person--and succeeds. With K'diil too far away to punch, she turns to Kai. A one-two punch later, and Kai is very close to being knocked unconscious by nonlethal damage alone.
Outside of the shop, Kiri, Naranya, and Shaiya have elected to watch the horses. Now, the Neogi have a strange symbiotic relationship with Umber Hulks; the Neogi raise them and each Neogi has at least one fanatically devoted to them at all times. K'diil's Umber Hulk, hearing the commotion inside, heads in to make sure his master is all right. Shaiya follows him.
Inside, K'diil is screaming at them that they can have anything, anything they want, just kill her. I had earlier decided that hiding amidst the various bits of headgear was a Beholder Crown. Kuori gets her hands on it, jams it on her head, and points at the Umber Hulk. One failed Fort Save later, and the Hulk is a pile of dust. Shaiya just raises her hands and walks out slowly.
Kai is talking extremely fast now, trying to explain to Kuori that they are just trying to buy her to set her free. He gets decked in the face as he says this, but then his Diplomacy check succeeds and she stops attacking him.

Kai: *Speaking Gnoll* Now, let's just fake fight for a bit before we knock you out, and then we can get you out.
Kuori: *Speaking Gnoll* Yes... or I could do this.

Turns out, one of the spells on the Beholder Crown is Finger of Death. Another failed Fort save later and K'diil is dead on the floor.
Kai and Elenia look at each other for a moment, and then Kai swipes the crown they wanted and they sprint out the door with Kuori right behind them. Elenia, thinking that since Beholders are evil the Beholder Crown=Evil, tells Kuori to leave it behind. Kuori does... but not before destroying the front of the shop with one last spell (Telekinesis).

TL;DR Story 1: A level 7 party has trouble catching a CR 1/3 mutant spider thing.

TL;DR Story 2: A random NPC suddenly acts like a PC and destroys two powerful creatures and a building.

Not sure if they're funny to you; they seemed funny to me at the time.

[Techmagss]

>is me haemo monk
>somehow wake up in a camp where some woman is in a bath pit thingy
>stare at woman
>makes hide check
>natural 20 whew
>DM goes into detail about body parts with the woman
>me being smart asks "Is there anything hard about this quest" I ask DM
>"Yes, look down." he replies.
>looks down
>something hard is in my pants
>SCARRED FOR LIFE

[Guizonde]

>is me haemo monk
>somehow wake up in a camp where some woman is in a bath pit thingy
>stare at woman
>makes hide check
>natural 20 whew
>DM goes into detail about body parts with the woman
>me being smart asks "Is there anything hard about this quest" I ask DM
>"Yes, look down." he replies.
>looks down
>something hard is in my pants
>SCARRED FOR LIFE

reminds me of an argument i had with my dm. me, proud dwarven cleric of pelor, finally freed from the iron maiden i was in, sees a water elemental priestess (cleric? i honestly don't know). she's got like 24 charisma, so she should be drop dead gorgeous to the point that you have to take a will save not to be speechless. my response? "she's ok looking. i've got different standards of beauty than you longlegs". it sounded so gruff-dwarf that i even had the dm smiling. (still got to take the test, though. made it, too!)

[Techmagss]

Also
>Is me lizazrdman rogue
>Me goes on quest
>Me almost finished quest needs to get to dragons island
>Me flies to a place called 'Dreadland'
>Me was with cap'n of an airship
>Captain betrays me tries to leave
>Punches cap'ns head open, zombies come onto ship
>Throw brain down while I was flying
>Zombies chase brain
>Zombies die of fall damage
>Happy fun times

[enderlord99]

Also
>Is me lizazrdman rogue
>Me goes on quest
>Me almost finished quest needs to get to dragons island
>Me flies to a place called 'Dreadland'
>Me was with cap'n of an airship
>Captain betrays me tries to leave
>Punches cap'ns head open, zombies come onto ship
>Throw brain down while I was flying
>Zombies chase brain
>Zombies die of fall damage
>Happy fun times

Is me wanting to know what translation software you use.

[cree24]

I DM on a regular basis for my friends and I always try my best to keep things interesting and engaging to all of my players. We usually play with around the same four people but I wanted to do something different so I designed a main plot line and back story with a large four foot by four foot canvas map I had made a month or so earlier using my calligraphy tools. ( Coolest map I've ever made)

Anyways I decided that I would have everyone in the group play as the same race but I would let them choose. I should've known better because all of these guys have been playing Warhammer for years and they all love Dwarves.

So a week or two later when I had tweaked everything to fit their race and where they would start out in the world I had them all start out as dwarven miners in the massive hold of Minudthrad (A large mining center in the Western lands of my world)

So, as most dnd campaigns start the players we hired as tunnel workers for a mining boss in the lower holds. One night after a long shift of clearing rats from an old tunnel that had recently come into use again the characters retreated to the miners town at the rear of the mine. They decided that they would spend some of their newly acquired copper pieces in the nearby bar.

After spending a large portion of their night chugging ale and smoking tobacco the dwarves had become so drunk I had them rolling to keep upright every turn. They thought that they would've spent their morning sleeping off their hang overs and bedding the bar maidens but the night shift had broken into an old tunnel used by goblins and all hell broke loose.

When the first waves of goblins becan to reach the mining town the dwarves were oblivious, rolling 2's and 3's for perception and intelligence checks they were smashed.

Well, when the goblins finally broke into the bar and began sacking the town the characters erupted into the funniest bar fight I've ever witnessed as a DM.

Thralin (the paladin of the group)- Who kept trying to use "Lay on hands" on the barmaiden started spouting off oaths to Moradin as he spun chairs into goblin heads and accidentally hitting his companions more than once.

Gofin Gunderson, the bard of the group started playing his lute as he sat atop a large ale keg and stomped out a hearty tune.

Doloric Oathhammer, the fighter of the group lost his axe after he slipped and stuck it in the ceiling, flinging it into the rafters where it still is lodged today.

All in all the characters slipped in ale, fell drunk, or tripped over each other over twenty times and it took them almost an hour to kill ten goblins. By the time they had cleared the bar the town had been sacked and they were trapped, drunk off their arses, and shoulder deep in goblins and orcs.

In the end they managed to clear the ENTIRE town by pure luck and the lack of fear they had gained do to their liqueur, killing the Orc chieftan that had led the attack by plowing him into a wall with a mining machine that in turn brought down the tunnel before them and saving the town.

By the time they had been brought to the King's hall for honors they had sobered up and as the king rewarded them for their effort in saving the town Gofin spewed his dinner all over the kings shoes.

They still talk about this game, three years later. Everytime they meet royaly they make Gofin stand far away from the lords shoes.

Not very funny but I loved it.

[Doorhandle]

I DM on a regular basis for my friends and I always try my best to keep things interesting and engaging to all of my players. We usually play with around the same four people but I wanted to do something different so I designed a main plot line and back story with a large four foot by four foot canvas map I had made a month or so earlier using my calligraphy tools. ( Coolest map I've ever made)

Anyways I decided that I would have everyone in the group play as the same race but I would let them choose. I should've known better because all of these guys have been playing Warhammer for years and they all love Dwarves.

So a week or two later when I had tweaked everything to fit their race and where they would start out in the world I had them all start out as dwarven miners in the massive hold of Minudthrad (A large mining center in the Western lands of my world)

So, as most dnd campaigns start the players we hired as tunnel workers for a mining boss in the lower holds. One night after a long shift of clearing rats from an old tunnel that had recently come into use again the characters retreated to the miners town at the rear of the mine. They decided that they would spend some of their newly acquired copper pieces in the nearby bar.

After spending a large portion of their night chugging ale and smoking tobacco the dwarves had become so drunk I had them rolling to keep upright every turn. They thought that they would've spent their morning sleeping off their hang overs and bedding the bar maidens but the night shift had broken into an old tunnel used by goblins and all hell broke loose.

When the first waves of goblins becan to reach the mining town the dwarves were oblivious, rolling 2's and 3's for perception and intelligence checks they were smashed.

Well, when the goblins finally broke into the bar and began sacking the town the characters erupted into the funniest bar fight I've ever witnessed as a DM.

Thralin (the paladin of the group)- Who kept trying to use "Lay on hands" on the barmaiden started spouting off oaths to Moradin as he spun chairs into goblin heads and accidentally hitting his companions more than once.

Gofin Gunderson, the bard of the group started playing his lute as he sat atop a large ale keg and stomped out a hearty tune.

Doloric Oathhammer, the fighter of the group lost his axe after he slipped and stuck it in the ceiling, flinging it into the rafters where it still is lodged today.

All in all the characters slipped in ale, fell drunk, or tripped over each other over twenty times and it took them almost an hour to kill ten goblins. By the time they had cleared the bar the town had been sacked and they were trapped, drunk off their arses, and shoulder deep in goblins and orcs.

In the end they managed to clear the ENTIRE town by pure luck and the lack of fear they had gained do to their liqueur, killing the Orc chieftan that had led the attack by plowing him into a wall with a mining machine that in turn brought down the tunnel before them and saving the town.

By the time they had been brought to the King's hall for honors they had sobered up and as the king rewarded them for their effort in saving the town Gofin spewed his dinner all over the kings shoes.

They still talk about this game, three years later. Everytime they meet royaly they make Gofin stand far away from the lords shoes.

Not very funny but I loved it.

This, my friends, is why you play dwarves.

[Scorpier]

This involves myself in an Eberron campaign, a Paladin, and our party's rogue/battle trickster (Mac) who was played by one of my closest friends. In game our character's were somewhat at odds, what with him being a rogue and myself a paladin. Many a time "goody two shoes" jokes flew around, both in and out of character.
Anyway, two things.
We were sniffing out pockets of Blood of Vol fanatics in some big city, and we found one we knew of. It was guarded by a single sentient undead. The party begins to plan out how to best do this, when my paladin (after rolling diplomacy/bluffs)just jovially walks up to the guard, introduces himself as one of the cult members, then shakes his hand. Then activated Lay on hands for all it's worth. The guard turned to a pile of dust. The rogue had a little bit of respect for my paladin, by then.

The crowning moment was later on. The rogue came upon a very nice bow given to him by a trickster demigod. Naturally, the bow had a serrated diamond bowstring that, while it couldn't be destroyed (because magic), would cut the fingers off anyone who tried to use it. He offset it by grabbing a pair of magic gloves.
ANYWAY, later on he got knocked unconscious and imprisoned, all of his gear being taken from him. My paladin was among the group we sent to rescue him, and after healing him up we found his gear. Not having the time to suit up, he opted to just use his bow without donning anything else. Right before he goes to nock and arrow, my paladin stops him, reminding him of the bowstring. That wasn't the funniest of thing that happened that session (the funniest of which was an army of chickens assaulting a floating pirate city-ship, which is a story for another post if anyone wants to hear it), but we all did have us a good laugh.

[Guizonde]

This involves myself in an Eberron campaign, a Paladin, and our party's rogue/battle trickster (Mac) who was played by one of my closest friends. In game our character's were somewhat at odds, what with him being a rogue and myself a paladin. Many a time "goody two shoes" jokes flew around, both in and out of character.
Anyway, two things.
We were sniffing out pockets of Blood of Vol fanatics in some big city, and we found one we knew of. It was guarded by a single sentient undead. The party begins to plan out how to best do this, when my paladin (after rolling diplomacy/bluffs)just jovially walks up to the guard, introduces himself as one of the cult members, then shakes his hand. Then activated Lay on hands for all it's worth. The guard turned to a pile of dust. The rogue had a little bit of respect for my paladin, by then.

The crowning moment was later on. The rogue came upon a very nice bow given to him by a trickster demigod. Naturally, the bow had a serrated diamond bowstring that, while it couldn't be destroyed (because magic), would cut the fingers off anyone who tried to use it. He offset it by grabbing a pair of magic gloves.
ANYWAY, later on he got knocked unconscious and imprisoned, all of his gear being taken from him. My paladin was among the group we sent to rescue him, and after healing him up we found his gear. Not having the time to suit up, he opted to just use his bow without donning anything else. Right before he goes to nock and arrow, my paladin stops him, reminding him of the bowstring. That wasn't the funniest of thing that happened that session (the funniest of which was an army of chickens assaulting a floating pirate city-ship, which is a story for another post if anyone wants to hear it), but we all did have us a good laugh.

thank you for showing that paladins and rogues can work together, especially if they're vitriolic best buds!

also, this thread is more than relevant right now

even better, in my PF campaign, the half-ork paladin is masquerading as a pseudo-CN mercenary (despite being LG, if anyone ever cast detect alignment). the CN ranger spotted him laying on hands on a fugitive (to interrogate later). when she asked him about it, his answer: "like you'd be parading around in shining armor in riddle-port. i know my life expectancy here. so i play by the rules. i sneak. i infiltrate. i do the most damage i can unseen. i spread the good word unseen. my large two-handed scimitar is to dissuade people".
what is not mentioned is that his large two handed scimitar dissuades people in two or three gory bits, just like a real merc. but oddly enough, he always wants to spend an hour alone every day, to "meditate on the mortality of his race and profession".

of note, sarenrae (LG) has a scimitar as her preferred weapon. another god (CE, but i forgot the name) has a two-handed scimitar as a preferred weapon. he took exotic weapon (scimitar) to get bonuses to use an oversized weapon without penalties (face it: 2d6 dmg coming from that is awesome, forget optimization). RAW, it works for all scimitars, so he's willingly using a weapon that throws off the scent of being a scion of a LG god by using a CE god's weapon, while looking even more intimidating.

it was done accidentally (he really wanted the two-hander), but now that the pieces are together, they fit so well someone must think it was done on purpose!

... oh, and out of a party of 6 (ranger, pally, sorceror, bard, barbarian, and rogue), only the ranger knows, and has sworn secrecy: you watch my back, i'll watch yours. failing that, i'll heal you.

it's good to see teamwork between different alignments

[Scorpier]

It was that same campaign: Eberron. My paladin was a follower of Heironeous (Yes, I know there's no Heironeous in Eberron, long story). We were tasked with protecting the queen from a kidnapping, which despite the DM's many attempts, we foiled or postponed every opportunity for him to do so.

Enter the scarbacks, a group of bloodthirsty pirates that were tasked by the Blood of Vol to kidnap the queen. We sent our rogue to infiltrate (which bring us to our previous post). The scarbacks' ship was close to the size of a modern day aircraft carrier, and of course it floated in the air, because magic. Our party of 5, now 4 due to the captured rogue, were outmatched.

Earlier on, myself an the party's druid ran into a weird procession: a man on a wagon whose only words were "Birds." Following him were all matter of flightless fowl, from chickens all the way up to velociraptors. We asked his help in the coming war with the blood of Vol, and through the strange man's Grand Vizier, an awakened penguin, they accepted. He told us that if we needed him, all we had to do was tell a flightless bird.

So, fast forward a bit. We bought and outfitted our own flying skiff and used it to catch up to the gigantic floating ship. It was at this point my character remembered the strange man's promise to help. I asked the druid to summon a chicken. Here's the scene that followed: Scorpier Tegrate, in gleaming armor with the sword of his lord belted to his back, taking a knee on the deck of a floating ship, imploring a chicken for its aid.

The chicken clucked, then jumped off our skiff.

Not 4 seconds later, what can only be described as a WAVE of poultry (and dinosaurs) engulfed a large part of the ship, giving us the time we needed to rescue the rogue and destroy the ship.

If anyone has the art skills to draw a paladin asking a chicken for help I will love you for ever.

[Guizonde]

If anyone has the art skills to draw a paladin asking a chicken for help I will love you for ever.

i'll try to get on it. i'll need a few things though:

-description (physical, mental) of the paladin. race, hairstyle and color, type of armor, weaponry, age, scars, state of equipment (pristine, damaged, well-kept...), and anything you find significant.
-if it's for an avatar, call up the others, but i can totally work with doing a picture on a ship's deck (freeform, no rulers, no rules, not much perspective)
-colored? shaded? inked? it'll be inked for sure, so the scanner can pick it up, but besides greyshade, i'm not confident enough to try it (i pencil, ink, then scan. photoshop is for the pros)
-regular run of the mill chicken, or some kind of divine poultry? no seriously, my cleric of pelor came across a beaver with a patch of fur strongly resembling a sun on its forehead (gods work in mysterious ways), so i'm asking.
-time: with luck, i can pull it off in a week. more likely than not, two.

payment: you will love me forever that's too cool as it is

[Saito Takuji]

one somewhat amusing situation. the party had comissioned an airship so we could get to the city we needed to go quicker than otherwise. now an unusual part about this was the way the ship was powered. the way it was powered was, there was an orb near the captians seat, well under it in a seperate room really, but near enough, and to power the ship a spellcaseter would hold the orb, and the closer his body to it, the faster the ship went.
the way the captian would communicat a request for more speed was using the caster, basically as a pedal. now, as part of this the caster would burn thru spell slots to power the ship, the faster the ship went the higher the slot used.


Now i was playing a warlock, and as such did not have any spell slots to use up, and voulentered myself to power the ship to help mitigate the cost of our trip. once i realized the way it worked in regards to speed, i wraped my body around the orb, causing the ship to go at insane speeds, getting us there quite early, and when the captain called for a stop, i simply let go of the orb entirley, causing the ship to come to an instant stop. after that, well inertia kicked in, and considdering the speed we were going, wich had to be at least 150-200 mph, well lets just say me powering the ship didnt make up the difference of repairs that resulted from this, the captian and crew did find it hilarious tho, so we did get to live at least

[holywhippet]

Now i was playing a warlock, and as such did not have any spell slots to use up, and voulentered myself to power the ship to help mitigate the cost of our trip. once i realized the way it worked in regards to speed, i wraped my body around the orb, causing the ship to go at insane speeds, getting us there quite early, and when the captain called for a stop, i simply let go of the orb entirley, causing the ship to come to an instant stop. after that, well inertia kicked in, and considdering the speed we were going, wich had to be at least 150-200 mph, well lets just say me powering the ship didnt make up the difference of repairs that resulted from this, the captian and crew did find it hilarious tho, so we did get to live at least

A few catgirls may fall by the wayside if I say this, but that makes no real sense at all. Surely the orb would provide acceleration/force rather than speed. Otherwise whenever it started/stopped it would always jump to a certain speed rather than accelerate/decelerate. Letting go of the orb should just make the ship stop accelerating rather than slamming to a halt.

[Saito Takuji]

GM worked it as providing the speed instead of acceleration, probably rule of funny

[TuggyNE]

A few catgirls may fall by the wayside if I say this

To which I say: Good! Let them die! Let them all die! *maniacal laughter*

but that makes no real sense at all. Surely the orb would provide acceleration/force rather than speed. Otherwise whenever it started/stopped it would always jump to a certain speed rather than accelerate/decelerate. Letting go of the orb should just make the ship stop accelerating rather than slamming to a halt.

That's pretty much what I figured myself; it seemed weird to have a sequence of basically "you let up on the gas pedal too fast, and now your car judders to a halt in the middle of the freeway, shattering under the strain of deceleration".

It's especially bad in space, since there's not much to decelerate against.

[Ifni]

From several years ago...

Situation: the party, which is around L10, includes a sorcerer, a wizard, and several other PCs. The wizard is a highly respected senior member of a local arcanists' guild. The sorcerer is a more junior member of the same guild, and needs a recommendation from a senior member to get promoted. (They're the same level, just the wizard is a Mage of the Arcane Order and the sorcerer is a... sorcerer.)

The sorcerer knows Teleport (it's her only L5 spell). The wizard has prepared one Teleport and one D-Door. (They have other spells, but these are the relevant ones for this adventure.)

------------

In the morning, the group receives an urgent message from a kobold paladin they know from previous adventures. It says that he's in Zeif (a country on the other side of the continent), he's been falsely accused of a crime and arrested, can they please come help.

Sorcerer: "We have to save him! ... but I've never been to Zeif."

Wizard: "Well, I can scry on him and then teleport there... er, with half the party. Not everyone. Sorry guys."

Sorcerer: "No problem! Teleport there with me and as many others as you can take, then I'll know the area and I'll be able to come back for the others."

Three Teleports later, the whole party is in Zeif.

Some investigation later, the party finds themselves down at the waterfront, looking for a witness to the alleged crime. They see someone who looks like their target about a hundred yards away... around the same time that a giant air elemental coalesces and tries to smack him.

Sorcerer: "We have to save him! Wizard, I have a plan! When you're ready, I'll teleport us over there, you ready an action to d-door us and the target to safety!"

(Yes, this would've been easier with Benign Transposition. Core only, what can you do...)

Wizard: "Uh, sure, I can do that."

(plan goes off without a hitch, they end up back with the rest of the group)

Wizard: "Well that was surprisingly satisfactory."

Giant water elemental hiding in the bay: "Hello, Mister Wizard! How's your grapple check?"

Wizard: "... oops. That was my remaining anti-grapple spell, wasn't it?"

Sorcerer: "... ow."

(moment of realization)

Sorcerer: "Ack! My promotion!"

(moment of consideration)

Sorcerer: "GM, can I reach into the grapple to teleport him out?"

GM: "He is stuck inside a whirlpool."

Sorcerer: "... can I jump into the whirlpool and grab onto him to teleport him out?"

GM: "The concentration check will be really hard..."

Sorcerer: "... can I cast Teleport, hold the charge, and leap into the whirlpool and just try to slap him as he goes past?"

GM: "... sure. Go for it."

(one successful touch attack later...)

GM: "All right. Where are you teleporting to?"

Sorcerer: "Well, I want us to be able to participate in this fight. Teleporting 120ft straight up and casting Feather Fall, that'll give us two rounds to blast from above."

GM: "Okay!"

(moves miniatures)

GM: "So, you remember that giant air elemental?"

Sorcerer: "... oops."

-----------------

The remainder of the fight went fine; the sorcerer managed to successfully solo the air elemental with empowered scorching rays, while the rest of the group dealt with the water elemental. And she got her promotion. But it was a fairly classic example of (a) when all you have is a Teleport hammer, everything looks like a nail, and (b) that particular character's tendency to make everything up as she went along.

(See also, in another game: "I cast Evard's Black Tentacles on the animated siege engines!" GM: "The tide of battle turns. The demonic hordes surge forward." Sorcerer: "... wait." GM: "You didn't ask who the devils were fighting.")

[Grindle]

While playing Ravenloft (the 3.5 edition), my party found our way through three secret doors in a row, and into a hidden part of the castle. While there, we ran into a system of large gears, though exactly what purpose they served we couldn't tell.

Anyway, my brother and I were convinced that the giant hidden gears were evil, and so we shoved a sword into them, to try to break them. It didn't work. Then, we shoved an entire suit of full-plate armor that we had found into the gears, which broke them pretty effectively.

At the time, our DM misled us into believing that we had broken a perfectly innocent elevator system that would have allowed us to travel to the hidden sections of other floors, and we felt pretty dumb.

When we finished the module, he admitted that we had actually really messed things up for him, because the gears actually had been evil, and the elevator system was used by monsters to travel between floors without running into us.

[Scorpier]

I'm playing an optimized Deepwood Sniper in a 3.5 setting called Midnight (Basically, the BBEG won and the world is screwed; no magic (at least not what we're used to, some peoples are still fighting back...There's more to it than that, but that's the basic gist). I recently hit level 10 in Deepwood Sniper, so ANYTHING that the DM describes to us (usually an enemy), my first and only question is: "How far away is it?" followed by "I can hit that."

And I do. Boy, I do.

Some more specific ones, for you.
BOOM, HEADSHOT

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A specific time, same campaign. Myself and the party's then cleric (which was to this day a point of contention, having a cleric in a campaign setting where most magic was forbidden. The DM made it make sense, but the player RPd it rather poorly) were advancing on to a seemingly abandoned fortress with the rest of the party behind when we were attacked by an assassin. The cleric took a sneak attack and I released my readied arrow. Roll: 20. Roll to confirm: 20. I do a grand total of upwards of 70 damage with one arrow and the assassin rolls his FORT save (we have a house rule that when a character takes more than half their HP in damage, they make a DC 15 fort save or die) and rolls too poorly to stay alive. He fluffed it as a headshot. As soon as he drops, his wyvern attacks us, and it was described to us as being undead, but having a strange glowing rune on his head. Naturally, every one else in the party (who had caught up to us) attacks this enemy wherever they can hit it. My turn? "I aim for the rune on his head." The DM gives me a look halfway between a "Good, you figured it out!" and "D****t, you figured it out early." Needless to say, I killed that wyvern.

HULK, SMASH

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That same Eberron campaign (I know I write about it a lot, but we were at that one for nearly 2 years.) My brother (whose first time it was playing D&D) was running an Orc Frenzied Beserker. He infiltrated the air-pirates I mentioned in previous posts, and passed their violent rites of passage with such ferocity that he was given second in command. He was given his own ship and was sent on a few assignments by the captain. Shenanigans ensued. He ended up picking up our party's shini-whatsitsname (DM let a palyer roll up a Bleach character. Meh) and they went to meed a white dragon and his entourage as part of the shini-thingy's backstory stuff. The negotiations went sour and the shini-dude died. Enraged, well, enfrenzied at the loss of a comrade, my brother's orc sliced the wing off the white dragon in one blow, then (after dropping his sword) grabbed the next closest thing to use as a weapon: the anchor chain to his flying ship. I don't remember what the damage was, but the white dragon teleported out and the entourage became a nice looking smudge in the side of the ship. And the shini-guy got rezzed by a cleric that was part of my brother's crew. He also mended the ship. Good times, gooooood times.

[The Random NPC]

(we have a house rule that when a character takes more than half their HP in damage, they make a DC 15 fort save or die)

FYI, the only house rule in that statement is needing to do more than half their HP, normally you just need to do 50+.

[boomwolf]

A but long, but a serious fail on the party's side

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I a game i ran long ago, I had a recurring villain who was a dread necromancer that had a strong sense of self-preservation and ALWAYS sent out his minions to fight and only went in as a last resort.
Also, he had a nifty custom spell that allows him to drain nearby undead to heal himself.

So, when the party decided to attack his "mage castle of doom" (pretty much a ruin with 3 floors), they came up with a plan three will make a mess in to courtyard, making him send his minions to fight, while the other two sneak up and kill him.

Now the party consists of 5 guys: A pyro sorcerer, a cleric (who got the ability to channel both positive and negative), a ghoulified scout, a rouge/assassin and a dungeoncrusher fighter.

Now, the problem is that one of the sneaks could not be allowed near the necro, so they settled for sending in the fighter with the assassin, and having him leave his armor so he could sneak a bit.

Theory put to practice, the sorcerer made havoc, the scout watched his back, and the cleric kept them both alive the two DID manage to sneak up on him, with only two skeleton bodyguards, but with the assassin missing he wasn't badly hurt, one ghoul touch spell later, and the assassin got paralyzed.
Being desperate, the fighter came up with the "brilliant" idea of crushing him through the wall, hoping the fall will take him down.

Que one dungeoncrush later, the necro is flying down, followed by the fighter who failed to stop, and the both fall down into the courtyard, an on top of the sorcerer.
Sorcerer dies from the fall damage, fighter gets knocked out, and the necro is on the brink of death, but his turn is up. by the end of it the scout got drained to death, the necro is fully healed and whats left of the party is a mostly out-of-spells cleric and an unconscious fighter with no armor on facing the necro and a dozen of his skellies, while another two tear apart the paralyzed assassin.

needless to say that one ended in a TPK, never again did they split the party to try "tactical assassinations"

[Scorpier]

FYI, the only house rule in that statement is needing to do more than half their HP, normally you just need to do 50+.

I know that, that's why the half HP part is the house rule.

[Lvl45DM!]

Our party was fighting some monsters in a very muddy and unstable cavern that had a number of "quickmud" pits. The guy playing the halfling wasn't paying too much attention so he waltzed right into one in an attempt to get off a backstab. The DM gives him a Dex roll to get out before he falls in, but the guy fails by one. Desperately trying to get any advantage he could the halfling pointed out "I'm wearing boots of speed!"
The Dm is a nice guy so he rolled with it and gave him another DEX at +2. The guy rolls a 20 (Which in 1st Ed is a big failure on ability score rolls). The DM rules that he sinks like a stone, kicking mud everywhere, splattering the mage, effectively blinding her.
But the best part was, after the fight we dragged him out half alive. The DM said "You'll have to clean him up, he literally has mud everywhere, entrenched in every orifice". So we joke around about who has to give the halfling a colonoscopy. While we're doing that the mage who got hit in the face with mud pulls out her Chime of Opening.
Anyone who's read Artemis Fowl can figure out what happened next :P Think Mulch Diggums.

A bit low brow perhaps but we thought it was damn funny.

[Oromis1]

It's been a while, both since I've last posted and since this story took place, but for those who forget, I play a D&D-esque RPG called Chivalry & Sorcery. It may not be exactly like it, but it can still be just as crazy.

The party:
Moric, the "unorthodox" knight errant
Oromis, the wood-elven wizard/fighter (me)
Andrew, the human cleric
Marc and William, two squires to Moric
And Joseph King... the bard.

Our party was trekking through a forest, trying to find a bunch of evil witches. I scouted ahead (we had already run into some goblins), and spotted a bunch of goblins who were preparing to ambush us. I had this great idea of using a spell to create a noise to distract or scare them, but they thought it was the signal to attack, and attacked us before we (or they) were fully ready.

Moric and Marc failed their rolls, was knocked off their horses. But while Moric, a fully trained knight, managed to recover and start beating up goblins, Marc was knocked out, and was tied up. The bard noticed this, and tried to ride to help him, but only managed to hit his head on a tree branch.

In the confusion, Moric somehow managed to tell his warhorse to free Marc. And better yet, the horse managed to take out the goblins who tied him up, and help him just enough to free himself.

It was a day of failed rolls all around, and even though we won, it's still a sad day when a horse does better than some of your players.

[Devmaar]

From my session today

Best moment: we're in our war canoe, heading to where we think 2 pirate crews we've been hired to negotiate with are meeting (also, our former team-mate is there but that's secondary). As we go the warlock passes the time by shooting fish with his eldritch blast. This attracts a shark. The shark attacks the boat and we have a round of combat (the DM said the shark was near enough to the surace that he wouldn't apply underwater penalties)
Warlock: I eldritch blast it
Psion: Mind Thrust!
Warblade(me): I hit it
so, the shark's now heavily wounded. It's the bard's turn, in our last combat he stopped playing his lute just in time to kill-steal against the gelatinous cube. We all think he's about to kill steal again when,
Bard: I take my rapier, and jump onto the shark!
Everyone: ...
DM: Roll a jump check
*natural 1*
DM: You trip over the edge of the boat and fall into the water. The shark takes an attack of opportunity.
*Bard is unconscious*
*Shark grabs bard and swims away*
Warlock player: Wow. That's what, 25 minutes into the session?
Psion player: and 15 minutes of that was naming the boat.

[Guizonde]

From my session today

Best moment: we're in our war canoe, heading to where we think 2 pirate crews we've been hired to negotiate with are meeting (also, our former team-mate is there but that's secondary). As we go the warlock passes the time by shooting fish with his eldritch blast. This attracts a shark. The shark attacks the boat and we have a round of combat (the DM said the shark was near enough to the surace that he wouldn't apply underwater penalties)
Warlock: I eldritch blast it
Psion: Mind Thrust!
Warblade(me): I hit it
so, the shark's now heavily wounded. It's the bard's turn, in our last combat he stopped playing his lute just in time to kill-steal against the gelatinous cube. We all think he's about to kill steal again when,
Bard: I take my rapier, and jump onto the shark!
Everyone: ...
DM: Roll a jump check
*natural 1*
DM: You trip over the edge of the boat and fall into the water. The shark takes an attack of opportunity.
*Bard is unconscious*
*Shark grabs bard and swims away*
Warlock player: Wow. That's what, 25 minutes into the session?
Psion player: and 15 minutes of that was naming the boat.

duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude, harsh!

*plays the surf music song called "shark attack"*