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  1. - Top - End - #421
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    imaloony's Avatar

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    May 2013

    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Alright, so I actually posted these in the AD&D forum, but I'm moving them here because... because.

    The first story is about Smidget the Kender. I will assume that everyone here knows what a Kender is. If you do not, go look it up (I've got a brief descriptions in my thread "Epic Moments" in the AD&D Forum).
    Spoiler
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    Enter Smidget (I did ask his player, and this character did not have a last name for some reason), our Thief/Illusionist Kender of the group. This was in our first AD&D campaign, the one before the campaign where my previous story happened (In this particular campaign, I had two characters a female Human Cleric of Isis and a male Elven Ranger). Now, Smidget was in charge of the shenanigans portions of the campaign. He would do things to throw the DM for a loop just to have fun, and we all loved him for it. In this instance, we were in the human capitol of this world. While browsing around and doing business, Smidget's player turns to the DM and says "Can I make a religion?"
    Those five words would become the start of the greatest running joke in our group.
    Our DM loves that kind of stuff and said "Sure, if you can get the followers."
    So Smidget began spreading the word of the "Great Kitty Deborah." According to him, the world lies in the eye of the Great Kitty Deborah, and night comes when the Great One closes her eye. She rained light and love on her followers until one day, evil and corruption began to fill the world. Shaken and saddened, the Great One wept, and her eye shattered, spreading the Holy Shiny across the world. Now the followers of the Great One must reassemble her eye by gathering the shiny together and dancing around it crying "PRETTY PRETTY SHINY SHINY PRETTY PRETTY SHINY SHINY."
    Now the DM, like the rest of us, found this hilarious. But with how ADD Kender were, he didn't find it likely that this religion would catch on, so he gave it something like a 2-3% chance on percentile dice and rolled them.
    He then looks up at Smidget and says "You look around and notice that you have a follower."
    And it all snowballed from there. The DM says that he made something like 8 rolls the rest of the night to see if the religion would grow, and 7 of them passed. The religion spread like wildfire and soon hand hundred, and later thousands of followers in the city. Smidget came to be known as "The Prophet" of the Great One.
    Fast forward a bit to a ceremony for one of our fighters to be knighted as a Knight of the Rose. After the ceremony, my Cleric catches wind of this religion and is furious that Smidget would be spreading the word of a false God. She caught up with him and began chewing him out and giving him the most pro-Isis and angry speech she'd given in her life (This is all in character. Out of character, we were all having a blast with this). She even went so far as to call the wrath of Isis down on this false prophet.
    And then, at that moment, Smidget heard a whisper in his ear with some instructions. He raised his hand, uttered something and cast a Light spell. My Cleric recognized it as a Cleric spell. I was stunned, and immediately tried to find some way to explain it away, about to claim that he was using one of his Illusions to trick me.
    Then Isis whispered into my Cleric's ear "I feel something behind him, something divine. It's faint, but there is a Divine presence behind his spell."
    That's right, Smidget got such a following for this religion that he actually created a Kender god. The DM later explained that the books don't actually have a Kender god and was totally willing to let that fly.
    So my Cleric turned around, found a bar, and drank herself under the table.

    A few days later, we flew to an island and resolved a subplot that our Samurai wanted to deal with, which ended up with us flash-freezing and then flash-thawing a house full of bad guys. Great for us, but we scared the crap out of the villagers, and when we went to the town, not a soul was willing to come out and meet us. We tried coaxing them out, but nothing worked.
    Finally, Smidget stepped up and said "We're not bad guys, honest! We just wanted to get rid of the bad people living in that house!"
    The DM pauses and rolled a set of percentile dice and then begins laughing his head off. We ask him what's so funny.
    Someone walks out of one of the houses, points ad Smidget and yelled "THE PROPHET!"
    This religion was like a week old, and we were currently on an island. This awesome religion was spreading faster than we could travel (The DM said that he gave it a 2% chance that a follower would be on the island, and the roll passed).

    In our follow-up campaign set 70 years later, we've already found a Church of the Great Kitty Deborah.
    Smidget's player insists that the whole "Great Kitty Deborah" initially started as OoC screwing around, but it has become cannon in this world, and it's glorious.


    Story 2 is mainly about the group's Cavalier, but the Rune Priestess and I certainly contributed:
    Spoiler
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    So, we just started a new AD&D campaign after defeating the boss from the last campaign and had a 70 year time-skip. I'm playing an Elf Druid, and our party consists of a Water Spirit Cleric, a Human Fighter/Rune Priestess, a Human Paladin, a Human Cavalier, and a Wild Elf Monk, and we're all still 1st-3rd level.

    We're sent to try and find out who tried to take over a series of strongholds by staging a fake tournament to lure the guards away. We return to a previously cleared out stronghold to find it occupied with baddies again, but we've got 30 men-at-arms with us this time, so our group enters first.
    We enter the main chamber and see a few Orcs. One Orc turns and sees our group. Then he waves at the Cavalier and turns back around.
    Let's pause for a moment. The Cavalier is from a previously destroyed family, looking to rebuild his family. A while ago, he received evidence that may point to his family NOT being destroyed, and potentially being behind these attacks. So now the Cavalier has almost confirmed that suspicion, as the Orc didn't attack after seeing the family crest on his shield.
    The Cavalier turns to the rest of the group and says "Get back with the soldiers and get read out here."
    We protest, but after he insists, we agree and retreat behind the doors to set up.

    Now the Cavalier approaches the Orc and gets directions to the leader of this stronghold. He finds two Minotaur; the first and second in command. They speak a rough common, and the Cavalier poses as his brother, the one who would be in on all of this business. The DM is stunned when the roll passes and the Minotaur buys it. The DM then asks him "Okay, so what do you do?"
    The player thinks on it, and then asks the Minotaur to mobilize and line up his men for inspection, which they do. He's presented with 21 Orcs, slightly heavily armored than a normal orc. The Minotaur in charge says "You are satisfied with my men?"
    Cavalier: "Almost. I'd like to see them march."
    Yes. The Cavalier got the entire lot of these guys to march straight into our ambush, oblivious of it.

    Now let's back up again. When the doors closed for the Cavalier to go do his stuff, we started to prepare. The Rune Priestess scribed into the ground in front of the door a rune of Shocking Grasp. We position all 30 men with crossbows at the next floor up in perfect sniping position, while the rest of us take up positions in side hallways along the main one.

    And then the Orcs march out of the door. They're in a procession of three-per-rank, giving us seven ranks of Orcs with the leaders (The Cavalier included) at the back.
    So now, the DM rolls an eight sided die to see which of the seven ranks of orcs steps of the rune.
    He rolls an eight. "There are seven ranks."
    He rolls another eight. "There are seven ra... oh crap."
    That's when he remembered that the Minotaur and the Cavalier formed an eighth rank. He randomly rolls to see which of them stepped on it, and the head Minotaur steps on it. He rolls the Minotaurs saving throw, and he critically fails it, leading to him being paralyzed for two rounds. At this point, the DM says "I'd hate to have a Thief at this guy's back right now..."
    Me (Druid): "Or an angry Minotaur?"
    DM: "What?"
    Me: "I cast Charm Person/Mammal on the second-in-command."
    DM: "Well, he rolled a 5 on his save. What's your command?"
    Me: "I order him to attack the lead Minotaur."
    So, we get a pretty spectacular display of blue lightning as the second in command smashes the lead Minotaur's head in with his magical battle axe.
    On cue, the Men-At-Arms opened fire, mowing down the 21 Orcs in their surprise round.
    We deal with the last (charmed) Minotaur, and then observe the wreckage.

    The DM contemplates this for a minute before explaining the details of the fight to us:
    "The Orcs... were just Orcs. I didn't expect them to give your trouble. Their AC was a little higher than a normal Orcs. The head Minotaur I expected to be a problem for you guys. He was a Magic-User/Shaman. The Second in Command was a Shaman. The Battle Axe that the second in command was using was a +2 Battle Axe that becomes a +5 Battle Axe against Magic-Users."
    He then turned to the Cavalier, shook his hand, and said "Well played."
    Last edited by imaloony; 2013-08-31 at 10:50 AM.

  2. - Top - End - #422
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    ElfRangerGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Our party was in town warning them about gnoll attacks. We were talking to a farmer, and were, for reasons I don't remember, talking about his chickens. He had said that they were too loud and he would appreciate them being quieter.

    Our Warforged Cleric (this is a D&D 4th edition game) decided to go to the chickens and cast a Silence ritual, which prevents noise from leaving a 3x3 area. After it finished the ritual, it and the chickens were attacked by hyenas. The cleric tried to warn us, but we couldn't hear it because of the silence zone.

  3. - Top - End - #423
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    SwashbucklerGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    We've been playing Warhammer recently, which has some interesting critical hit tables.


    True story:
    Our group has been assisting an outlying village with its problems but the head of the town guards was rather offended when one of the PCs was talking to his girlfriend ad challanged him to a duel.

    It was a short and bloody fight, the Pc critted and the head guard collapsed, the part healer patched him up but he'll be awhile recovering from his injuries.

    The party headed out of town to investigate some other issues and ended up in a cave, after clearing the cave of bad things (during which the PC who fought the duel was badly injured) we were challenged at the cave exit to come out un-armed with our hands up... which obviously didn't happen.

    Some members of the party ran out of the cave and initiated melee, the PC who fought the duel stayed back and used his crossbow.

    The enemy were also split into melee and archers and responded in kind, the melee fighting our melee and the archers shooting our crossbowman.
    He was hit, in the leg, a 1 point critical (minor injury) the roll on the critical table was made and it was quite serious, the PC was out for the combat and his movement would be severely impeded for some weeks to come.
    he was shot in the knee by an arrow and would have to (temporarily) retire from adventuring, but there was good news as the local town guards have a vacancy...
    Doug

    Currently GMing :
    Moonshae Mysteries IC / OOC / Central Map / west rooms map / east rooms map
    Moonshae Tales IC / OOC / Map
    Map of Area

  4. - Top - End - #424
    Dwarf in the Playground
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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Ive got a few stories to tell. So Characters.
    Me: wizard
    barbarian
    gunslinger
    some rogue magic user thing cant remember name
    rogue
    Me (the other guy wasnt here) :cleric
    NPC: Succubus (Have to work with her rar..)
    So we are going to a house which the succubus needs to be cleared and apparently made an attack on us. We get there and the gate is blocked by to huge demons... The succubus said she forgot about them and that they actually liked torturing other demons. As she says that i stop the dm and say.. DUAL DISMISSAL! Poof the two big demons are gone and the path is cleared.. Then the barbarian says to the succubus "you better pay him" So she gives the wizard and cleric some of her jewelry.

    Another one i have is sort of two. So way back when we were like level 6 and we came upon a bandit camp. We had the cleric diplomacy in and when he came back out we attacked. We were killed them and there were about 4 left when the gunslinger makes an attack and crits! We roll dice... and he comes up with a 44... the bandit had 5 health... So the dm being a fan of The Gamers Says he explodes like a vat of beef stroginof. so later on in the game we are in a cave and we come upon some drow guy. He starts monologing about how hes superior. So i decide to use another thing from the gamers. drow: I am far superior to y MAGIC MISSILE" boom 3 magic missiles in the face. And of course the rest of the party has to join in and start shooting him. Hes dead before he hits the floor and his pet lizard runs away.

    A few other things are the gunslinger constantly getting crits. And theres one thing you never want to do to him. Interupt his card game, Its like saying here take this loaded dice that will go to 20 always. He always gets a crit if you do that. Also the rogue being obsessed with sandwiches. We found a small platinum chest and you know what he does. He puts his drow poison in his sack and the sandwiches in the chest.... Also the barbarian always cuts a hand of from the people she kills and sacrifices it to her god. Im just the trigger happy wizard who can blow you up or buff you. Especially since i have a staff of dark flame...

  5. - Top - End - #425
    Dwarf in the Playground
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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Ahh here comes a new one.
    So my recent session we are gonna save the world.
    We go to ask an Earth Genie and we see some drow fighting it.
    We kill the drow and then we talk to the Genie.
    I figure out that she is lying and i see a faint illusion around her so i dispel it.
    Boom new drow lady. We kill her and continue in and find the real one. Shes trapped in a gem and we need an 8th level spell sunburst to get her out. So she shows us what we need to do and says we can come back for her. I then realize that i bought lots of stuff back in town like sun rods. So here is the conversation.

    Me: Would a sun rod work?
    DM: no to low level
    Me: ... What about 20?
    DM: Hmm.. That might work if you beat a dc
    Me: .. What about 20 of them and Daylight spell?
    DM: that would work....

  6. - Top - End - #426
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    oball's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    In a similar fashion, while playing a one-shot the group came across a strange obelisk and figured out that the secret door in the side required wind blowing on it to open. We had a druid in the party but he hadn't prepared Gust of Wind that day.

    So naturally, we all took off our cloaks and wildly flapped them at the door until we finally created a strong enough wind to open it.
    Last edited by oball; 2013-07-07 at 10:53 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by SPoD View Post
    I can't think of anything more thrilling to read than the blow-by-blow specifics of a battle between an ancient black dragon and an apprentice baker.

  7. - Top - End - #427
    Barbarian in the Playground
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    So, my group is playing a "super-hero" campaign, but I'm a red-skinned teleporting demon from the pit of hell that pays the bills as a bloodthirsty assassin whose hobbies include making lots and a lots of hellspawn babies, killing lots and lots of people, making Fausting deals with people, killing gang leaders and then taking over, and using seduction checks instead of interrogation... on men... as a man.

    As an example, when I was summoned (against my will) I responded by killing everyone involved in summoning me, made a rude remark about Catholics when a super-Bishop showed up, and then I jumped out of a window on a high rise building. Then I decided to figure out who was involved in summoning me. So, I started grabbing up low level drug dealers until they told me who summoned me. Then I dropped them off of a high rise building. When I met the gang leader who summoned me, I dropped his biggest rival on him from several hundred feet up. Turns out the one I dropped was a living bomb. Oops.

    Basically, I'm a terrible superhero, playing with people who are at least nominally superheros.

    So, with that in mind, we end up all mind linked. For a little while I was telling one of the guys what was going through my mind in a whisper right next to him. Just imagine constantly hearing the voice a murderous demon in your ear going "kill kill kill, murder murder murder, kill kill kill, they'll be tasty as a milk shake, human milk shake, human milk shake, human milk shake, human milk shake, beat the big one with the little one until they're pudding, mmmm... human pudding.... I could go for some human pudding... or some human popsickles... meatsacks, meatsacks, meatsacks, meatpuppets! that's a good one, meatpuppet, kill the meatpuppet, kill the meatpuppet" and on and on and on.

    This got very awkward for the player I was saying this right next to. Until my danger sense went off and then everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief as the chanting stopped. Granted it was replaced with me thoughts on strategy and tactics, and which of my allies would best make a cuddlepuddle/fastball, and who would make the best meat-shield. Before the combat ended they decided just to break the mind link so they wouldn't have to listen to me anymore.

    Hilarious for me and outsiders, but not so much for Taylor.

  8. - Top - End - #428
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Arkhosia's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    One time, we were fighting evil noblemen, and I heroically kept onto and charged across a banquet table...slipping and falling face first in chocolate mousse. I then tried tossing a hand axe while lying probe on said table, but failed miserably with its only victim a roast ham.
    "Are we living a life that is safe from harm? Of course not, we never are. But that's not the right question. The question is: are we living a life that is worth the harm?"
    ~Welcome to Night Vale

    Spoiler: Quotes from Friends <3
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    Quote Originally Posted by SliiArhem
    Arkh I may be slightly delirious but I don't think that would make sense even if I was coherent.

    Interested in the Nexus FFRP setting? Try joining our Discord server!

  9. - Top - End - #429
    Dwarf in the Playground
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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Yes! Lets make this thread live!

  10. - Top - End - #430
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Ionbound's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Let's see. In an Eberron PF campaign, we have:
    Me (Elven Wizard)
    Paladin of Boldrei
    Sorcerer
    Rogue with a "Diplomace" (Not Involved)
    Captain Hammer (Cleric of the Flame with a warhammer)
    So we have an NPC that we are all very attached to and one that we hate. The one we all love is almost murdered by Drow, then the one we all hate show up at her hospital bedside and the Paladin gets voices in his head he believes is Boldrei telling him to kill the one we hate. Thus, since my character was not present for the event that made us hate him, she has to be the one keeping the Paladin still a Paladin. It is ridiculous. I'll update as we progress.

  11. - Top - End - #431
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    bobthehero's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Lotrik the Cavalier (me) was forcefed a potion of enlarge person by the party Druid and got Bull Strenght cast on him

    The following turn Dio the Ranger falls by Lotrik who tries to use him as a living longsword for the kicks.

    Dio pants resist and snap, sending the poor Ranger into the mouth of a Colossal Nage the party was fighting.

    Dio goes to town and throws 2 Alchemist fire in the throat of the Naga, burning it down.

    That results in a very dead Naga, a very confused Cavalier and a very angry (and smelly!) Ranger without pants.

    And that is how you beat CR: A lot due to DM buffs at level 4
    Current avatar made by: Ceika

    Thanks!

  12. - Top - End - #432
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    Zombie

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    1. About 18 years ago my group was tired of playing their first characters and decided they wanted to start fresh ones. I spent hours writing a new adventure; carefully balancing the dungeon and play testing. We sat down at the table to create the new PCs and the group starting looking through the rules cyclopedia for basic DND (we had only the red and blue box up to that point and the rules cyclopedia was a new thing). They roll for starting gold and as one of the group looks through the things he can buy in the cyclopedia, he notices chickens cost X silver pieces each and eggs cost X silver pieces each. Without telling me his plan, he asks if the starting gold is hard cash or in the form of stuff he inherited. Not realizing what was up, I said he could spend the money on whatever he wanted. So I go and grab a coke and when I come back the group is in a huddle. A minute later they announce they going into the chicken business (i think their plan was to invest in the farm in the hope that they could make thousands of gold and thus start with better than normal equipment). They buy no weapons or armor but instead look up the price of the materials for a coop, house, chickens and chicken feed. They argue that since their characters are all farm boys, they know all about the ins and outs of chicken farming. I played along out of morbid curiosity and some of the highlights were a fox breaking into the coop on several occasions and a rival chicken farm trying to undercut their egg prices.

    2. On another occasion this group decided to pool their starting gold to purchase a war elephant (they used a bit of cunning to convince me one would be available). They each also bought or made a spear with what gold they had left. They prodded the war elephant into the dungeon and walked behind it prodding it when it stopped. Picture 6 unarmored characters in a dungeon walking behind an elephant with sharpened sticks. Basically, when an enemy was encountered, it became scared, and prodded from behind it trampled everything in its path since it took up the whole dungeon corridor. They took great delight in every goblin trampled and at my imitation of screaming and fleeing goblins.

    3. Another strategy my group tried was when they surprised me by making a party of all fighters. We had been learning about the Romans in class and their interlocking shield strategy and watching Braveheart with Mel Gibson. Not giving much thought to what ideas this might be giving my group, I was expecting the standard mix of core classes but they role all fighters and deck them out with plate mail shields and pikes. They hire a bunch of retainer fighters on the promise of a share of the treasure. Then they form a shield wall with two rows of pikes and archers in the rear and walk through the dungeon using the pike to test everywhere for traps. Like a slow and steady machine, they move through the dungeon like an army rarely being hit due to their low armor class and long pike reach. They role play the men at arms perfectly shouting orders and acting like a bunch of fighters would act. They cared not for mysteries or subtleties of the dungeon. They just wanted blood and steamrolled over everything owning all the monsters. My carefully balanced dungeon for a mix of classes was completely unprepared for this onslaught.

    Needless to say I learned a few things as a young DM. These experiences were enraging but fun at the same time.

  13. - Top - End - #433
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    oball's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    That first story is great! Who needs Dungeons & Dragons when you've got Coops & Chickens?
    Quote Originally Posted by SPoD View Post
    I can't think of anything more thrilling to read than the blow-by-blow specifics of a battle between an ancient black dragon and an apprentice baker.

  14. - Top - End - #434
    Pixie in the Playground
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    In an all wizard game I just started running, the PC's were exploring a tidal cave for loot possibly left behind by smugglers while the water was low. They come across a still flooded pocket with a Humboldt Squid in it. They didn't want to fight it on it's home turf and need to cross, so they ran back to the snake that they had previously slain and tie rope around it. They manage to pull it ashore, but then the squid latches onto one of the two remaining hirelings and drops him. Two turns later most of their hirelings are unconscious and all of their spells and crossbow bolts have missed. I was expecting them to run since first level wizards bereft of spells might as well be commoners and the squid was unscathed, but then the Illusionist decided to grapple the squid and after it getting loose a few times, he managed to pin it so that the Conjuror could hog tie it. They decided to head back out to the boat and finish exploring after regaining spells, but not before bringing their catch to market.

  15. - Top - End - #435
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    NecromancerGirl

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    Quote Originally Posted by DM Rage View Post
    Needless to say I learned a few things as a young DM. These experiences were enraging but fun at the same time.
    And that's all that really matters.

    I've had a few creative interpretations of starting gold, most notably when my brother realized that his barbarian could purchase a giant riding lizard. Combined with his greatspear and all his charge powers... well... He named the character "Maelstrom", and I can think of no more fitting name.

  16. - Top - End - #436
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    HalflingRangerGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by DM Rage View Post
    -snip-
    Your group is awesome.

  17. - Top - End - #437
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    Zombie

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    I don't recommend doing what is written below:

    After a few years of playing together, my group and I decided it was time to make things "real". We lived in a small isolated community. With the best of nature in our backyard we had a great setting. We started playing "kill the goblin". The hunters were armed with longs sticks and a decorative metal sword. The goblin had a healing potion ( a 500 ml bottle of water) and a fibreglass bow with bamboo arrows with - get this - toilet paper wrapped around the ends.
    The goblin had to go from point A to point B in the forest but had to stay within predetermined bounds. He could attempt swimming through the ocean or work his way over land. He had 6 Hp and if hit with the sword lost 4 Hp. If Hit with the spear he lost 3. The goblins arrows did 3 damage each and the hunters had 8 hp each. The healing potions could be used once - it had to be drunk or dumped in it's entirety before the healing would take effect. If the goblin was hit a lethal blow before the potion was consumed, he was killed and the game was over.
    The goblin was selected on a rotational basis. He rarely made it. The best game we had was two goblins and 8 hunters. One goblin made it by swimming to the goal underwater for 300 meters, coming up for breath between the waves.
    We actually used to hit each other hard with the weapons. One game I fired the bow at a friend who I noticed at the last minute hiding behind a rock. Enraged he chopped my arm and hand with the sword pretty hard - he was angry but I did not know why (so stupid of me). I had lost but I found out later that my friend had to go to the hospital for many stitches because my bamboo arrow had opened up his scalp. My friend had never complained and I had not seen much blood so I did not know he was hurt.
    Of course our parents found out and we were forbidden from playing kill the goblin ever again.

  18. - Top - End - #438
    Bugbear in the Playground
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    Quote Originally Posted by DM Rage View Post
    I don't recommend doing what is written below:

    After a few years of playing together, my group and I decided it was time to make things "real". We lived in a small isolated community. With the best of nature in our backyard we had a great setting. We started playing "kill the goblin". The hunters were armed with longs sticks and a decorative metal sword. The goblin had a healing potion ( a 500 ml bottle of water) and a fibreglass bow with bamboo arrows with - get this - toilet paper wrapped around the ends.
    The goblin had to go from point A to point B in the forest but had to stay within predetermined bounds. He could attempt swimming through the ocean or work his way over land. He had 6 Hp and if hit with the sword lost 4 Hp. If Hit with the spear he lost 3. The goblins arrows did 3 damage each and the hunters had 8 hp each. The healing potions could be used once - it had to be drunk or dumped in it's entirety before the healing would take effect. If the goblin was hit a lethal blow before the potion was consumed, he was killed and the game was over.
    The goblin was selected on a rotational basis. He rarely made it. The best game we had was two goblins and 8 hunters. One goblin made it by swimming to the goal underwater for 300 meters, coming up for breath between the waves.
    We actually used to hit each other hard with the weapons. One game I fired the bow at a friend who I noticed at the last minute hiding behind a rock. Enraged he chopped my arm and hand with the sword pretty hard - he was angry but I did not know why (so stupid of me). I had lost but I found out later that my friend had to go to the hospital for many stitches because my bamboo arrow had opened up his scalp. My friend had never complained and I had not seen much blood so I did not know he was hurt.
    Of course our parents found out and we were forbidden from playing kill the goblin ever again.


    This sounds awesome! I wish I could try that sometime
    Call me Crazy

  19. - Top - End - #439
    Barbarian in the Playground
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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    If that was like a modified version of tag, that would have eliminated the safety problems and not greatly impacted the awesomeness of the game.

    So, whose up for a game of tag?

  20. - Top - End - #440
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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    I'd say the arrow did about 3 hp worth of damage, alright, just IRL rather than in the LARP-World.

  21. - Top - End - #441
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    GnomeWizardGuy

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    biggrin Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    k so i just dm'ed my first dnd session last week and within the first 10 min (while the boat they started on is going down) this guy named jacob, who we all pretend is way more sectuall than he really is despite him being all zen monk most of the time, sais he looks for the hottest looking chick and tries to hook up with her while escorting her to a life boat. given how little time it took him to go there my fallowing respons to this was "you hook up with her and have sex on the way to shore, ps she's a hooker and you have hiv"

    later they desided to take out the cobalt town they had just escaped from by puting his blood into there water suply, currently waiting for results

    this is only outstaged for funny when the same character see's steave (the npc meatshield i had fill in for a missing player) scratched by what he thaught was a zombie and fall over stiff, he then proceades to try to kill steave, eventually returns to killing the "zombie" the other two members of his party go stiff to. and then he desides maiby he shouldnt kill them off and instead see what happens...but not before finishing off steave for "the stability of scociety"

    steave is now a reacuring villan and a sentient undead

  22. - Top - End - #442
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    DracoDei's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by Zahhak View Post
    If that was like a modified version of tag, that would have eliminated the safety problems and not greatly impacted the awesomeness of the game.

    So, whose up for a game of tag?
    Well, really, if you do it right that is LARPing... they just have better safety procedures (and more complex rules, but those are optional).
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  23. - Top - End - #443
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    AssassinGuy

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    me and some friends started a campaign this week just passed, most are new/haven't played in years (including myself) So I made the first dungeon a nice romp through a goblin tribes home burrow.

    Me: DM
    Caradoc: Cowardly Human Fighter (tank)
    Mason: Cleric
    Andalweise: Smart cracking, hits on anything with a pulse and lady bits bard
    Groon: Half_Orc barbarian who thinks with his Axe.

    In a large room they fight a bunch of goblin defenders, the barbarian Rages, Critical hits one goblin for almost 26 damage, cleaves another for 22 (this is at level 1). The remaining goblin runs in fear. The barbarian, Rage still going gives chase into a large dining hall. There seated at long trestle tables are a lot of goblins (about 14). The barbarian, mid rage decides to run up and kick the table out of his way. he kicks it so hard it goes flying, killing 10 of the goblins before the table comes to land
    (Rolls a 20 for his str check (resulting in a roll of 44). So I ask him to roll a D20 for effect. another 20. Then a d12 for damage. rolls a 12. Then a d8 for distance, 20ft. he just kicked the table so hard and far it squished most of the goblins in the room)

    Later in that dungeon...
    At the end of the Dungeon the Group finds a room filled with women and children goblins. A matriarch informs them that the goblin tribe is peaceful. Passing a detect motive test they realise the goblins are good, and being honest. From the corpse of the leader the bard took a +1 studded leather vest. He asks the matron what she knows about it (saying he shows her the blood splattered leather armour and not knowing its +1). When the matrons says its her partners and starts crying he offers to sleep with her as way of apology. He definitely stuck to his characters story of being a man for the ladies! gave us all a laugh and made us all go "wow man..." at the same time

    And this is from only week one, this week we have 3 more adventurers joining the fun..

  24. - Top - End - #444
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    Quote Originally Posted by AmbientRaven View Post
    Groon: Half_Orc barbarian who thinks with his Axe.

    (Rolls a 20 for his str check (resulting in a roll of 44).
    Do you play with explosive dice or how did he get a +24 Str-Mod? Or some other houserule?

    Since I already am posting I'll add that one time our Barbarian was insulted by a mayor and decided to take a dump in the middle of his entrance hall while we were somewhere else.
    Have a nice Day,
    Krazzman

  25. - Top - End - #445
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    AssassinGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Krazzman View Post
    Do you play with explosive dice or how did he get a +24 Str-Mod? Or some other houserule?

    Since I already am posting I'll add that one time our Barbarian was insulted by a mayor and decided to take a dump in the middle of his entrance hall while we were somewhere else.
    Sorry, wrote this when i first woke up, he had +9 str mod, so had a score of 29 on his roll. +9 from having 28str (20 natural, 4 rage, 4 buffs)

  26. - Top - End - #446
    Barbarian in the Playground
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    I was imaging a 20 pound weakling who was wearing like a hundred Belt of Giant Strength like a BDSM fetish outfit.

  27. - Top - End - #447
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    OldWizardGuy

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    I've considered using a pair of shocker lizards as a defibrilator .

    Alright this is the one story I rarely use for these things.

    So I'm playing a chaotic good barbarian and we're venturing into the bottom of this dungeon to kill a lawful good dragon, my character's story is that he got hired to move the rock in front of the cave and he was working pro bono so he'd get paid at the end. He spent most of his time reading "Tarzan of the apes" rather bored. We decided to head to the abyss to sell some books we had stolen. (To the record I was chaotic neutral but became chaotic good when I suggested we donate the books we couldn't sell to a local library.) So while we're there the DM goes into rich detail of how there's huge skyscrapers made of human corpses and some people still living howling in agony. I suggested there was a starbucks. One roll later and I was right.

    So while we're in the abyss I decide to bang a shadow demon (intangible skoodily pooping is great) and my pants get torn off (part of it is one with my kidney now.) when we get back to the starbucks someone calls me out on being short on shorts. I decide my character is insane all of the sudden and announce an outlaw on pants. I than running around stealing people's pants. I started tearing at our wizard's robe until he revealed she was a girl and I decided to leave her alone. Also one guy didn't need me to steal his pants he had already lost them while screwing a succubus.

    Oh and the icing on the cake we came to the abyss to sell our souls for cash and stuff. The party rogue comes up and tries to sell his soul.
    Demon: I'll give you 50k.
    Rogue: Deal.
    *Approaches bored barbarian.*
    Demon: I'll give you 50k.
    Barbarian: No dice.
    Demon: 100k.
    *Barbarian turns to rogue*
    Barbarian: HA. No
    Demon 150k
    Barbarian: No
    Demon: 200k is my highest offer.
    Barbarian: Nah without a soul money has even less value to me.
    This is horrifying beyond anything Lovecraft ever wrote or Giger ever drew.

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  28. - Top - End - #448
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    I remember one time the party wizard distracted a ton of goblins from noticing us by making them hear the sound of a Tarrasque, despite the goblins not knowing Tarrasque existed.
    The only thing in sight was a tree.
    To this day, the goblins live in burrows, in fear of the mighty Pine, it's roar so terrible it can cause eardrums to shatter.
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  29. - Top - End - #449
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    Zombie

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    OK, so knowing us, I'll lead you two in, you'll get killed, the late players will show up, and I'll go in with their new characters, and by the time they get killed, I'll lead whatever new characters you have written up by then etc.

    Me: "OK, water is only that clear if something is wrong with it. I throw some baking soda in it."
    DM: "The baking soda disappears without any reaction."
    Me: "OK, I throw some vinegar in."
    DM: "That also disappears."
    Me: "I pour some into my water skin. Then I try putting some baking soda into it."
    DM: "It's just water with baking soda in it."

    --Later--

    DM: "OK, you should really try that water."
    Me: "No way, it has baking soda in it."
    DM:

    Me: "So there's no way I'm not stealing those doors. It is my character's main motivation right now to steal those doors."
    DM: "OK, 7 peasants die in the process of removing them."
    Me: "That's a shame. Either way, I get back and install them as a flat top stove."
    DM:
    Me: "They're worth millions, the alternative is I sell them."
    DM:

    Employer: "STOP KIDNAPPING EVERYTHING!"
    Me: "Look, I don't want to kill anyone, and we can't just let them run around free."
    Employer: *lights boat full of prisoners on fire.* "I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!"
    Me: "You're an evil lady."
    Employer: "IT WAS A BOAT FULL OF GIGANTIC SPIDERS! NO ONE CARES ABOUT SPIDERS!"
    Last edited by Yukitsu; 2013-08-03 at 02:24 AM.
    Me: I'd get the paladin to help, but we might end up with a kid that believes in fairy tales.
    DM: aye, and it's not like she's been saved by a mysterious little girl and a band of real live puppets from a bad man and worse step-sister to go live with the faries in the happy land.
    Me: Yeah, a knight in shining armour might just bring her over the edge.

  30. - Top - End - #450
    Dwarf in the Playground
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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Hello again! I have a new one for you.

    K so were underground fighting this giant worm with wings. The rogue has an amazing idea. He climbs onto the worm using his spider climb slippers and places 2 immovable rods so its stuck now. The barbarians howls as the rogue jumps away so the worm is now scared. I kept trying death attacks but i couldnt get them to work. The worm smacks me and im almost dead. The cleric heals me and now im mad. So my wizard using his winged boots dive bombs the monster.... Dropping a bag with 20 alchemists fire into its mouth.... The gunslinger shoots it and it drops dead. It was awesome! The DM is seriously trying to kill us cause we usually breeze through encounters.

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