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  1. - Top - End - #481
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    Imp

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Here's a few

    Me: halfling rouge/sorceror
    Ranger: elf ranger
    Barbarian: half orc barbarian
    Cleric : human cleric

    We have to stop an assassination on the king. We learn that the bloodfist gang (the regicide guys) have agents in the kitchen. I stake out with the ranger at the kitchen. Two suspicious cooks emerge. I think the food they have is poisoned, so I have the ranger put something on the ground for me to "trip " over. He puts an arrow on the ground, and it stabs me while I fall over and knock over the poisoned food. The cooks pull out their weapons, proving that they are in fact gang members. Combining spells and my rapier, my cowardly rouge fends them off after the ranger leaves to stop the rest of the gang.

    Same game and now we are about to infiltrate a hobgoblin base. The entrance is a pit. My rouge starts to go down but is stopped by the half orc, who after realizing that the pit has spikes at the bottom jumps down. I then skill fully grapple a rope across the pit witch lead to the hobbos. I slide down and the ranger tries to do as well but falls of the rope, wich my charecter saves in the classic grab my hand. The session ended after that and we decided to end that game after that. All in all in was our first and humorous adventure
    Yar! I'm a signature virus, copy me into your signature!

    For the humble doily is indeed the gateway to ULTIMATE COSMIC POWER.

  2. - Top - End - #482
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    Dimers's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    While I have the utmost respect for Hitting Theory in practical applications, I confess myself stymied by this theoretical issue: What if the problem to be solved is having hit things/people too many times?
    Avatar by Meltheim: Eveve, dwarven battlemind, 4e Dark Sun

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  3. - Top - End - #483
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    DrowGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dimers View Post
    While I have the utmost respect for Hitting Theory in practical applications, I confess myself stymied by this theoretical issue: What if the problem to be solved is having hit things/people too many times?
    Impossible! Take your crackpot theories elsewhere you madman, your proposal shan't be admitted to this fine institution of learning!
    Avatar based on artwork by Jabari Weathers

  4. - Top - End - #484
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    TeChameleon's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dimers View Post
    While I have the utmost respect for Hitting Theory in practical applications, I confess myself stymied by this theoretical issue: What if the problem to be solved is having hit things/people too many times?
    ... depending on the nature of the problem, you either

    a) Hit someone until they fix the thing you broke by hitting it too much, or hit other things until you have enough money to pay someone to fix the thing you broke via excessive hitting.
    b) Hit the people who object to your hitting things/people until they stop complaining.

    Really not that hard, here, people. Now pay attention, this will be on the test.

  5. - Top - End - #485
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Imp

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    Garth - a newly third level wizard who was one of two survivors of his party. He and his cleric friend were stripped of equipment and abandoned in another part of the dungeon by the kobolds who defeated them to appease other inhabitants of the complex.
    Me - DM

    Garth casts Alter Self to look like a kobold and is carrying his new cat familiar. (Good news, I have a cat. I named it Phillip. Bad news, its a girl cat.) His cleric friend hides from behind a corner as Garth walks to the kobold's lair and knocks on the door.

    "Let me in, I'm locked out." Garth called in Draconic.

    "But we're all here, so who are you?" - The kobold chieftain replied.

    "I'm from around the island - but I brought fresh cat, so let me in." - Garth casts Shocking Grasp (3.0) allowing his cat to deliver the touch spell.

    Me as DM - "um...Bluff check?"

    Garth's player - "But I'm not lying."

    DM - "He still doesn't want to believe you."

    Garth's untrained Bluff roll - 14
    Kobold's sense motive - 6

    The Kobolds open the door and Garth throws the cat at the ornately dressed chieftain. The cat attacks and releases the touch spell, one-shotting the chieftain.

    The kobolds are led by the most powerful spellcaster so the remaining warriors, bow to Garth (calling himself Terpo).

    Then, I had to figure out how to eliminate the usefulness of a band of kobolds swearing loyalty to one of the PCs. Especially after he rolled even better to convince the others that he transformed to human to work with the orc tribe that the pcs had joined.

  6. - Top - End - #486
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Toy Killer's Avatar

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    Zombie apocalypse game, I let the players play in a "history" game, showing what happened in the recent past that allowed the events of the apocalypse to occur. All four players played as druids of different 'Cults' of druidism. Owl (Good), Wolf(Evil), Bear(Chaotic) and Stag (Lawful).

    The laylines of magic is what prevented the plane from reaching spells above 3rd level (It's an E6 game). The druids have charged themselves with defending the leylines, but the leyline of the north is being tampered with. So, the four cults put aside their differences and send a representative of each cult to the forefront.

    They quietly approach the leyline to find that a strip mining operation is being held on the land over it (The leylines were buried to keep them from being tampered with, a very druidic way of handling things). Mercenaries are posted above with light crossbows. Stag decides diplomacy is the best option. As soon as he mentions looking for the leyline, I face palm (Figured it was pretty obvious they were involved in tampering with the layline) and they sound the alarm.

    Bear climbs up a tower and starts kicking ass, Stag right behind him (Bear is close combat, wild shape speced and stag is built for ranged combat). Wolf starts hunting down the guards around and owl non-chalantly disregards the battle. After bear gets a critical hit on the first guard, throws the second guard off the tower, he's out of people to fight...

    He feels his best option is to leap off the tower, I tell him to make a jump check. he gets a natural one. as he tries to leap over the tower, his loincloth gets snagged on the spikey bits and he is dangling there with a wedgie. Each round, they continue to drop the mercs with ease and he desperately tries to free himself. (I ruled it an escape artist check, but in hindsight, a strength check would have been better...).

    The party is about to delve into the pit and clean up the leyline, but Bear is still hanging on the tower.

    Bear: Hey! Get Me down from here! Right Now!
    Owl: As you wish... *slices the loin cloth free*
    Bear: Augh! Dammit! I thought you were the F*ckin' healer!
    Owl: *Shrug* Job security.
    "Executioner" Dargh in A Very (un)Common Quest

  7. - Top - End - #487
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    Griffon

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    I was DMing a nice little game for a session with some of my friends who had never played. We had a Chaotic Evil Dragonborn (BTW, twas 4e), a "Neutral" Warlord (Named Lucy), and Merric the Halfling Rogue. The quest was for Merric, The Dragonborn, and Lucy to infiltrate a mine. However, it didn't go as I planned.

    The Dragonborn got off to a bad start by threatening all the money out of the other players (With modifiers, he had a 20 Str, and 18 Con). When they went to sleep in an inn, he got up in the middle of the night, pinned Lucy to a wall, and asked HIM where Lucy's money he got from pickpocketing was.

    I privately had previously suggested to Lucy's player that he put the money in a bank, and so he did, while the others were not watching.

    Then the Dragonborn pummeled Lucy a bit, grabbed Lucy by the neck (By this time Merric was hiding) and went and made Lucy take all his money out of the bank and give it to the Dragonborn.

    Merric's player had to leave.
    As an NPC, I had Merric steal all the Dragonborn's new cash and run off. With a successful perception check, Lucy noticed Merric took the Dragonborn's cash and told him.
    They ran after Merric, into a casino, where the Dragonborn lifted Merric off a card table, and while everyone else was distracted, Lucy stole the chips.

    Then I was getting frustrated, even though it was supposed to be a Chaotic Evil/Evil campaign... so I brought out a level 20 Dwarven Paladin/Cleric (multiclassed) of mine to stop this, and try to talk some sense into the duo ingame.

    Well, the Dragonborn tried to beat up the Dwarf, or at least hold him down while Lucy tried to kill him.
    They failed, fortunately.
    Then they ran outside with the money and Merric, the dragonborn took Merric down, slammed him into the road 3 times (in broad daylight), tryed to kill him over and over, and eventually incinerated him, scooped up the ashes, and took a leak on them.

    The Dwarf, who had been watching and rubbing his temples, got up, knocked out Lucy and the Dragonborn, and forcibly imprisoned them inside the mine they were supposed to infiltrate.
    Talk about railroading.

    Our second session, we should actually get the quest partially accomplished!

  8. - Top - End - #488
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    Kobold

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    Me: a first level rogue in a fishing village, on the run from the law. Doesn't matter why, I don't remember anyway.

    I find an unattended rowboat, figure I'll row out of the harbour and down the coast to somewhere less - warm, then stroll back into town as a completely uninvolved traveller. The only potential fly in the ointment: an Imperial battle galley moored in the same harbour. If - as seems likely - someone spots me before I'm out of the harbour, and the local authorities ask that to pursue me, it could swat me like an arthritic gnat.

    So I figure: it's moored, the crew's ashore - I'll set fire to it, hopefully that will keep it docked for a few more hours at least.

    I heave a flask of oil onto the lower oar deck. Direct hit. Yay!

    Unfortunately, I failed my Spot check to notice that there were, in fact, people still on board. Next thing I know, there's a volley of crossbow bolts incoming. I take two hits, tumble out of the rowboat, and that's the end of that character.

    Darwinism in action.
    Last edited by veti; 2013-09-19 at 06:07 PM.
    "None of us likes to be hated, none of us likes to be shunned. A natural result of these conditions is, that we consciously or unconsciously pay more attention to tuning our opinions to our neighbor’s pitch and preserving his approval than we do to examining the opinions searchingly and seeing to it that they are right and sound." - Mark Twain

  9. - Top - End - #489
    Titan in the Playground
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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by Dimers View Post
    While I have the utmost respect for Hitting Theory in practical applications, I confess myself stymied by this theoretical issue: What if the problem to be solved is having hit things/people too many times?
    Analyze your problem more deeply. The real problem isn't that you hit something too hard. It's one of the following:

    1. Somebody is mad at you for hitting someone or something too hard,
    Solution: Hit the person mad at you harder.

    2. You broke someone or something too hard, broke it, and now you need it.
    Solution: Hit the other people around harder until they agree to bring you a replacement.

    3. You hit something too hard, and now it's stuck.
    Solution: Hit it harder from the other side.

  10. - Top - End - #490
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    I have a lot so I'll get started. Most recent towards the past.

    (Pathfinder campaign)
    Characters: me-Vanaran(monkey people) ranger wielding a 2h hammer
    erik-half-orc barbarian, with throw anything feat. wielding a great ax, connected by 40 ft chain to his "great ax"
    tarek- bard with exceptional diplomacy and intimidate scores and facinate and invisible servant
    issac-female (played by m) human(i think) rouge
    others who werent very entertaining


    Story:
    Working for an adventurers guild, we are sent to clear out this ziggurat in the jungle. Its full of kobolds. We send Issac and the other rouge in to spy. they report about 6 adults and 30 children surrounding a huge bonfire, as well as 40-50 kobold eggs. Eric and i have been tanking so we charge in.
    Now just as a note, we werent sure if this was allowed initially, but our DM said it was ok so we went with it constantly.
    FASTBALL SPECIAL! Eric throws me, with his throw anything feat. I make an attack with my 2h hammer, with a charge bonus and a +4 from erics strength. Crit. The six adults all go down in one swing and i smash into the wall taking a 1d6 damage, (I had to acrobatics roll for not taking any more) land on the eggs and smash most of them. Tarek runs in behind us and fascinates the children.
    A kobold yells down the stairs to us to leave or die. Isaac luckily knew draconic, why we dont know. He yells back, we have all of your children, leave the ziggurat and well let them go with you. Hey at least we tried to be peaceful. He yells back several not nice things. So one by one we begin killing the children. I smash one with my hammer, Eric chops one in half with his great ax. tarek casts invisible servant and pushes one into the fire. It burns brighter for a moment then back to normal. HMM. the children have snapped out of the facinate. Although weak like 30 of them could be annoying. So before tarek, our intimidate specialist can get a chance isaac, playing a teenage girl jumps in front of him and yells to the kobald babies "JUMP INTO THE FIRE NOW OR DIE!!!!!!!" our dm gives him a massive penalty, cause well who wants to jump into a fire. He rolls and crits his intimidate check. with the penalty its plenty enough to scare all the kobald babies into jumping into a huge bonfire to their deaths. We all just stand around looking at each other. We shrug and proceed upstairs where we destroy an entire clan of kobalds. Tarek tries to intimidate their leader, by explaining, in gruesome detail how we killed every child, he spent a solid 10 minutes describing it IRL and that he should just leave. Turns out he has a really high will and this just ticks him off. So he attacks but hes pretty easy to beat.

    Earlier in the same game. We've just returned to town from a generic starter quest for the adventuring guild. go get this random thing from a nearby cave we use to test new recruits. So were back in town we turn the quest in the guild master gives us our guild rings, which give us small bonus on a skill according to what color they were. (mine was green it added to knowledge(nature) and survival) We spend about 15 min IRL debating about weather or not we should try to kill him and take over. We decide its a bad idea now, but later once we've gained some levels and his trust we would.(this was a neutral campaign btw) so he tells us to hang in town and a messager would bring us our next quest. AKA our dm didn't plan this far so wait a few minutes.
    So we ask the dm whats in town. He explains and draws rough squares for, several generic shops, an armory, weaponry, etc. and a building that he simply marks SNB. We look at him confused. He says we have to look closer to see what the sign says. So eric and i go ahead as tark goes to the books shop (his character was a bibliophile) and the others go to sell the loot and rest at the tavern. Eric and i arrive at the building to read the sign. It says Steak n B*tches.
    "AWWW YEA! " *High five* both IRL and in game
    We go in. its a restaurant that serves steak for ridiculous cheap as well as being a brothel. When tarek finishes wasting his money, he literally had none left. he decides to come find everyone. he checks the tavern and asks the rest of the guys where eric and i are. they tell him were out so he heads out to find us. Playing a weird race like the vanaran youre pretty noticable so he asks around and finds us pretty quick. He enters to find eric and i feasting while the rest of our group was eating pretty measly fare at the tavern. After the food we decide hey brothel, so we each try to get one. I get one at a discounted rate because " such a strange race you are. I must see what you are capable of *giggle*" score.
    all of the ladies are rejecting eric cause hes an ugly as sin half orc. at this point IRL isaac had to leave so we decided ok bryce will play you his character hadnt been introduced yet , he agreed, this will be referenced still as isaac to avoid confusion. So isaac got curious and decided to come find us as well. For the same reasons as tarek it doesnt take him long. Hes told its probably not a good place for him a "sweet young thing like you to go" but he ignores the kind man and comes any way. Entering im gone off, and he finds tarek trying to diplomacy the women into playing with eric. Tarek is just doing awful. The only agreeance eric has gotten was from the matron, an overweight ugly human who would still charge him triple. So tarek sees Isaac and gets an immediate evil, jerkish idea. He rolls to talk isaac into sleeping with eric. Dm says ok roll for it. Tarek crits. Isaac rolls a one on his sense motive. So eric the hulking half orc takes young teenage isaac into one of the rooms, bought for him by tarek, who procedes to take the matron because he can.
    Eric then pulls out his "great ax" an act he symbolises IRL by standing up holding up his forearm to his belt area and slapping it. The dm rules that isaac takes 1d4 damage and a speed penalty for limping for the next few hours. We never told the rest of the group about SNB, but the 4 of us went back every time we came to town after that. Eric ended up famous because of his "great ax".
    When actually isaac returned next play session it was the first thing we told him happened. He was irate.

    I have some more I'll post later but thats all for now

  11. - Top - End - #491
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    Ionbound's Avatar

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    Wow...I think that story is probably one of the most gruesome things I've heard in D&D...EVER.

  12. - Top - End - #492
    Orc in the Playground
     
    HalflingPirate

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    Quote Originally Posted by Theomniadept View Post
    I have a few stories myself that I should try to recall better, but for now I just remember my nudist.

    He wasn't a nudist by choice, mind you. Not all life decisions are made by you, for you.

    See, he was a simple Vow-of-Poverty Healer/Apostle of Peace that I made specifically underpowered for this game (long story short the DM hated everything pertaining to having money or being able to use skills, because knowledge (local) was clearly too powerful).

    No matter what happened, no matter the situation, or the circumstances, or the DC or my modifers: if there was a Fireball spell cast that included me in the radius, I would roll a natural 1. This happened 6 freakin times.

    The natural 1 rules on reflex saves cause damage to your equipment. Again, VoP. I had clothes, a club that was basically just a dead tree limb, and a spell component pouch.

    6 times I had to walk into some town completely naked. Also I had to keep track of what spells of mine had material/focus components so I would know what I can or cannot do while naked.
    i'm actually shocked that there are dm's that play with the "fireball (and ot such thngs) damage your personal gear" rule

  13. - Top - End - #493
    Orc in the Playground
     
    RedWizardGuy

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    I was running a stealth/investigation game in which the PCs were trying to steal an artifact from some government assassins. They had tracked down an entrance to the assassin's tunnel network (by lighting a bar on fire and interrogating and killing 5 people who had never heard of the assassins). One of their rogue/illusionist guys (there were 3) had discovered a secret door in the floor of a warehouse. They planned to open the door, lure out anyone guarding the entrance and get them into a nearby alley they had rigged with dropdown barriers at each end, 2 guys with bows on the roof and 4 more guys ready to take positions at each end with bows and axes. They had spent about 30 minutes IRL planning this all out and they were READY.

    When they left, they hadn't opened the trapdoor at all, 2 were badly wounded, warehouse was burning down and one of the wounded guys had joined the city watch.
    Last edited by WeLoveFireballs; 2013-09-27 at 12:21 PM.
    The rules of the game are only what the current participants agree they should be, remember this. The rulebook for whatever you play are only suggestions.

    Currently playing as the Maya in GMR game #6.

  14. - Top - End - #494
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    DrowGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by firedaemon33 View Post
    Wow...I think that story is probably one of the most gruesome things I've heard in D&D...EVER.
    Yeah, definitely wouldn't be comfortable with a situation where people are forcing children to jump into fires (No them being kobolds doesn't matter, they're still kids) Kind of why I avoid involving children in general unless they're hostages of a villain. I most certainly would have hit their alignments at that point.
    Avatar based on artwork by Jabari Weathers

  15. - Top - End - #495
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    MonkGuy

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    BBEG of "That Guy" DM was a lich with a suprisingly large focus on fire based spells. Party wizard turn one: GREASE

  16. - Top - End - #496
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    Silva Stormrage's Avatar

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    I posted this in the "Epic Moments" thread but its pretty funny as well

    D&D 3.5 Homebrew Setting

    The party: Unarmed Fighter, Homebrew Poison User, Druid, Sorcerer, Artificer
    All 16th level.
    DM: Me

    The party recently preformed a task for a rebel group that they support (3 way civil wars ). And the party was spending the night on their magical flying ship next to the rebel's main fortress, a large tower on a plateau. Suddenly their ship starts to fall as its flight enhancements are supressed and the tower starts launching fireballs from spell turrets lined on the wall. Their ship plummets to the ground but survives in one piece (it is REALLY well made).

    The group is confused and not sure whats going on but they decide that instead of fighting they want to flee. The druid casts frostfell and control winds creating a path of ice and pushing their ship across the ice at high speeds (It still has sails). Their BBEG however, wanted them to invade the tower and fight the rebel group so she teleported in front of the ship while invisible and used magic to essentially knock the ship back by placing wards on the ground (Vector Witch + Vector Plates). The party not wanting to turn back now has the sorcerer create a wall of force ramp over the wards so that the ship jumps over them and hopefully off the plateau.

    Now I wasn't expecting this (And so neither did the BBEG) and I had the BBEG teleport IN FRONT of the charging ship. I asked them to hold on a bit and did some math with the angles. They collide straight into their bbeg and knock her to 5 HP. All the PC's heard was a "You hear a thud as your ship goes up the ramp as if you hit something. You still see nothing in front of the ship". They then cast true seeing before the BBEG gets another turn and then see their BBEG pressed against their ship as it goes about 200 MPH off a ramp and off the plateau. Thankfully for the campaign they couldn't kill her before she could teleport away.

    For TL:DR The group skated their flying ship along a path of ice jumped off a ramp and crashed straight into an invisible BBEG they didn't know was there almost killing her.
    Quote Originally Posted by Hazuki View Post
    ...Silva, you are a scary person.
    Awesome Avatar by Derjuin

    My Homebrew: Here
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  17. - Top - End - #497
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    BlackDragon

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    So the PC's have known of this threat for awhile. Originally he helped them, then tried to bind them to himself as slaves, now he's already destroyed the planet. He was a demi-god devil mindflayer abomination sorta thing. He just looked like a 12 foot tall ripped mindflayer though

    So the PCs, since they've died many many times going up against this guy they finally decide to try and plan ahead.

    One of the PCs links their souls to the villain. When one dies the other will die too.

    They go to fight him head on again. Every time this one PC gets hit the boss kinda flails about and is having a tough time.

    PC 1: It worked! Now we can weaken him then bind him in a jar!

    PC 2: Wait, you two are bound to eachother? What's that mean?

    PC 1: Anything that happens to me happens to him! So all we have to d-..

    PC 2: THAT'S CONFUSING AND STUPID! -shoots PC 1 in the head, kills him, and the boss explodes, skipping the entire boss battle-

    PC 2: I DID IT! :D

  18. - Top - End - #498
    Pixie in the Playground
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    So we're in a campaign set around Myst. We had just traveled to another age, the same age our rogue was from (and the same age where Beaches and Basilisks is set. I'm playing this Dwarf Duskblade who constantly likes to drink (big surprise). HE decides to ask this sphinx if she had any alcohol. The sphinx, apparently unfazed that I was asking for something so simple as beer, pulled two bottles from somewhere. My character downed one of them instantly. Our DM for this fateful crossover, the creator of Beaches and Basilisks, told me that there was a beer taste, but there was also this meaty taste to it. I asked the sphinx why the beer tasted meaty. She told me it was rabbit beer. I looked at the bottle and sure enough, it said rabbit beer.

    I asked our DM, "Why rabbit beer?"

    He said, "It was the only way they could get the hopps."

    Needless to say, we spent the next ten minutes in hysterics.

  19. - Top - End - #499
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    oball's Avatar

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    Playing in a Pathfinder one-shot on Saturday, my pre-gen character was Fergus, an alcoholic ship's chef (in reality a 4th-level monk). After battling sea serpents, giant dragonflies, and swarms of leeches, we made our way through a winding, ancient cave to seek out the goal of our quest: a tree bearing rare crystalline magical flowers.

    The tunnel widened into a cavern, and in the centre, growing atop a slender pillar in the middle of a chasm, caught in a ray of sunlight spearing in from a gap in the cave roof, was the tree we sought. Unfortunately, hanging from the ceiling of the cavern guarding the tree was a 20-foot long giant crystalline spider. We rolled for initiative, and I got a two, putting Fergus dead last in the order of battle.

    The first character to go fired an arrow at the giant spider, only to be told that his to-hit result of 23 resulted in no apparent damage. The group started to take cover behind corners in the passage, ready to snipe at the spider and hopefully lure it into a bottleneck. One member copped a poisoned crystal barb in the chest, spat out by the spider, and instantly the affected area started to turn to crystal. The situation looked dire.

    Then it came to my turn. Fergus, who had been swigging from jugs of wine all adventure, staggered out into the middle of the cavern and addressed the spider:

    "Hey you! Yeah, you big crystally bugger, hanging from the ceiling up there! Your mother was a chandelier! Come down here and fight, ya bastard, I'll headbutt your legs off!"

    I informed the DM that at the same time I was making an Intimidate check. "OK then, make the roll."

    Natural 20, for a total of 29.

    Me: "Is it intimidated?"

    DM: "No, it's a beast, it doesn't speak Common, you can't intimidate it."

    "Fine then. I'm going to throw my empty jug at it."

    "OK, it's ten range increments away so you'll take a -18 penalty to hit."

    Natural 20. Again. The DM stares at the die in mild disbelief.

    "Your jug hurtles across the cavern, smacking the spider right in the face. Roll for damage."

    "Is it intimidated now?"

    "...you know what? Yes. Yes it is."
    Quote Originally Posted by SPoD View Post
    I can't think of anything more thrilling to read than the blow-by-blow specifics of a battle between an ancient black dragon and an apprentice baker.

  20. - Top - End - #500
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    PaladinGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    [rant-mode]Why oh why can people not spell! Its Rogue damn it, R-O-G-U-E!!!! Rouge is a color not a character class!!!![/rant-mode]

    Sorry just had to vent.


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  21. - Top - End - #501
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    At one point in time, I played and incubus named Argon. He couldn't hit anything, wore no armor or magic items (except a ring of mind shielding so people couldn't tell his alignment). I maxed out his ranks in Bluff so his seduce checks were always ridiculous and spammed his unlimited uses of Suggestion. Whenever the party would meet an enemy group, he would Detect Thoughts to find the ones who found his current form attractive and start wooing them, thus destroying the party cohesion of the other group (and leading to more than a few half-fiend children).

    My wife, as DM, finally got frustrated at me breaking down every group she threw at us so she decided to set up an encounter (not a fight, just a run in) with a Great Wyrm Black Dragon Avatar of Faluzure (CR OMG). Untouchable spell resistance, impenetrable natural armor, unstoppable physical attacks and irrisistable magical abilities.

    The rest of the group immediately realizes we are not supposed to beat this thing and that it is probably my fault. However, I wouldn't be in character if I just let it go so I did what I always do, which turned out something like this:

    DM: OK, the dragon is angry that you have disturbed it but will let you go free with the proper tribute and apology.
    Argon: Ok, how's this for an apology? *transforms into a female drow* I could also...stand in...as a tribute if you'd like... *rolls a seduce check, natural 20, total is a 43*
    DM: Really? You're trying to seduce the dragon?
    Me: Yep, it's worth a shot...so to speak lol
    DM: Ok... *rolls Sense Motive, natural 1, total is 41* I don't believe this....
    *entire party ROFLs*
    DM: *sigh* The dragon turns into a male drow and smiles a toothy smile as he draws you into the trees.
    DM: It's a good thing the reproduction rates for dragons are really low.
    Me: Actually, as an Outsider I determine whether or not a child is concieved from any union I may have. I determine that the greatest thing I could do in this instance is stay in this form and birth the child.
    DM: *looks up table in Book of Erotic Fantasy* You know what? Ok, but I am retiring your character as of now.

    We all got a good laugh out of it but I am not allowed to play Argon in any campaign my wife is running. We later determined that the child would be a female Drow Half-Dragon Half-Fiend named Onyx.

  22. - Top - End - #502
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by oball View Post
    "Your jug hurtles across the cavern, smacking the spider right in the face. Roll for damage."

    "Is it intimidated now?"

    "...you know what? Yes. Yes it is."
    Very nice

  23. - Top - End - #503
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    RogueGuy

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    Pathfinder

    Brayowin - dwarf barbarian
    Lilya - human magus
    Kraxiks - half-orc alchemist
    Mattrim/myself - rogue/sorcerer

    Our group had been having a problem with Kraxiks player for quite a while. He would call and say he was on his way to a gaming session, then call again four hours later saying he fell asleep. Then he would promise he would be at the next session and miss that one as well. This continued for a while, but was putting a damper on our campaign.

    Well Kraxiks misses another session and our DM was forced to once again play as Kraxiks.

    The group had just finished clearing out the boss of a goblin stronghold when we discovered a secret passage leading to some ancient ruins beneath the stronghold. We preceded inside and found some writing warning that ahead lay a cell containing a demon that if unleashed would destroy both ourselves and the world blah blah blah

    Well my group as we are want to do said to heck with that, that demon's likely got some loot (and definitely some XP) so we made our way further down to his cell.

    Once we opened the magic door containing the demon we found nothing inside, and thinking that it was our lucky day and we had possibly discovered some undefended loot we went inside past the alter in the center of the room. Once we were all inside the demon sprung from the alter and all heck broke loose.

    The demon went first and put a pretty big hurt on the Brayowin, the party barbarian. Then the rest of the party took turns rolling terribly and missing with all of our attacks. The demon's second turn he nearly KO's Brayowin, and the party burns some swift actions saying we should get out while we still can and figure something else out.

    Well Everyone else gets out of the room leaving just myself and the demon. On my turn I BARELY make it past the demon thanks to a couple of natural 20 acrobatics rolls to get past him. Once I'm outside the rest of the party slams the door closed and we begin healing Brayowin and begin hatching a better plan.

    That's when the demon teleports behind us because... We forgot to lock the magic door!!! As far as we're concerned Plan B (also known as run, run, run) is still in full effect, so after the demon takes a few viscous swipes at Lilya, the party magus, we all begin making our way back out the stronghold.

    The last person left to flee is... Kraxiks, the chronically absent player the DM is playing.

    Thus begins some of the best role-playing we have ever had in our group...

    The DM stands:
    Kraxiks: "Keep going friends, don't wait for me."
    DM: So I start frantically grabbing all of the bombs I have, I pull them out of my bandolier, I pull them from my belt, I even find a couple I put inside of my handy haversack earlier. Once I see Brayowin reach the top of the stairs I start pulling the caps off of every bomb I can hold with my teeth and charge the demon.
    Kraxiks: "Come here you ugly mother, give Kraxiks a hug."

    That was the last any of us ever heard of Kraxiks, although once the fire was out in the lower levels, the party decided to carve "Here lies Kraxiks, loyal friend" in the walls, near every greasy spot we could positively identify as his.

  24. - Top - End - #504
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cassidius View Post
    Our group had been having a problem with Kraxiks player for quite a while.
    Well Kraxiks misses another session and our DM was forced to once again play as Kraxiks.

    The last person left to flee is... Kraxiks, the chronically absent player the DM is playing.

    Thus begins some of the best role-playing we have ever had in our group...

    The DM stands:
    Kraxiks: "Keep going friends, don't wait for me."
    DM: So I start frantically grabbing all of the bombs I have, I pull them out of my bandolier, I pull them from my belt, I even find a couple I put inside of my handy haversack earlier. Once I see Brayowin reach the top of the stairs I start pulling the caps off of every bomb I can hold with my teeth and charge the demon.
    Kraxiks: "Come here you ugly mother, give Kraxiks a hug."

    That was the last any of us ever heard of Kraxiks, although once the fire was out in the lower levels, the party decided to carve "Here lies Kraxiks, loyal friend" in the walls, near every greasy spot we could positively identify as his.
    Was anyone else thinking "Mark the Red" from the movie Gamers?
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  25. - Top - End - #505

    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by Rodimal View Post
    [rant-mode]Why oh why can people not spell! Its Rogue damn it, R-O-G-U-E!!!! Rouge is a color not a character class!!!![/rant-mode]
    My Rouge Wizard disagrees.

  26. - Top - End - #506
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Threadnaught View Post
    My Rouge Wizard disagrees.
    ...Please tell me this was a homosexual Thayan.
    See my Extended Signature for my list of silly shenanigans.

    Anyone is welcome to use or critique my 3.5 Fighter homebrew: The Vanguard.

    I am a Dungeon Master for Hire that creates custom content for people and programs d20 content for the HeroLab character system. Please donate to my Patreon and visit the HeroLab forums.

  27. - Top - End - #507
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Tim Proctor's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by illyahr View Post
    ...Please tell me this was a homosexual Thayan.
    Isn't that why they made the Crimson Scourge (CityScape variant, p. 92) so they could be the rouge Rogue?
    I am what lurks under your bridge, I am the troll...

    Not sure about what I said, go back highlight it with your mouse and wham it's magically blue for sarcasm, so like everything on the internet take it with a grain of salt.

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  28. - Top - End - #508
    Pixie in the Playground
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    One of my best stories starts with my first wizard character. I played a magician con-artist that went by Todd McStiffstaff. First encounter with my party was to use cantrip to make an obviously fake ring and attempt to sell it to them. I roll a perfect bluff and go on to explain it will bring the buyer good luck. One of them buys it and as soon as he gives me some gold, the ring disintegrates. I tell him the true magic is in his heart. I then decide to follow them on their journey to attempt to make more easy money. That now 'lucky' guy instantly died in our first dungeon.

    Another time, a friends character, named Bingo, died and we started on a quest to find someone to revive him. After hearing how far away this healer was, we buried him and held a funeral. I gave the shortest eulogy ever: "And Bingo was his name-o."

  29. - Top - End - #509
    Pixie in the Playground
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    I just remembered a story from my first game of D&D. So, a friend of mine asked people in my fourth block class if they wanted to play a (very) quickly put together game of D&D. Anothe friend of mine(that had also never played) and I both agreed to play. We quickly set up characters and back story. So first friend DMs and explains we are in a large city and that we can do basically anything. Before I get a chance to say anything, the other player shouts that she wants to kidnap a passing half long child. We take him and for the next 20 minutes try finding shady people in alleys to sell him to. We eventually sell the kid to a gnome in a purple velvet suit and hat with feather.

    Later that same campaign, after we finally got on track with the quest we were supposed to find, we get stopped by a small goblin. I instantly assume he has friends in the bushes and turn out to be right. So goblin, now backed up by an Orc barbarian and two rogues, informs us we are about to die. We roll for initiative, and I, thinking I rolled highest, begin to try and talk my way out of it. Our DM informs me I now have a throwing knife protruding from my stomach because one of the rogues had a higher initiative. I shut up and wait for my next turn. By the time I have another turn, I have three knives in me, one in each arm and that one in the stomach. My friend has killed one rogue so I talk to the Orc. I offer him all my money to kill his friends. At this point, our DM explains that gnomes have invented magic guns, which the Orc proceeds to pull out from nowhere(it had been explained he was only wearing a loincloth and the DM mimed pulling it from his butt) and shoots the other rogue and the goblin. He then tells us that he's surprised that worked as the gun was broken earlier. I ask him why he had a broken gun in his butt, to which he responds by telling me to keep my money and never speak of this to anyone. Orcish butt-guns are now a running joke in our campaigns.

    TLDR:
    An Orc hid a broken fire arm in his rectum because our DM didn't pay attention to what he told us 5 seconds before.

  30. - Top - End - #510
    Troll in the Playground
     
    MonkGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    I played a female Shifter Monk in a campaign for a first-time DM. He wanted thorough backgrounds and expressed that visuals would be nice. I fleshed out a pretty thorough background for my character, her personal motives, and interlaced meaningful relationships with the other PCs that I'd coordinated with the other players. I'd even plotted the travels she'd taken in her life to get from her birth city to the monastery she lived at.

    What I forgot to add were details about the monastery itself. After reading my two-page "summary" of my character's life, the DM asked. "So... what's life in her monastery like?"

    After staring a few daggers at him, I replied, "Monastic."

    The DM shrugged and said, "Any rituals, practices, traditions?"

    So, I pulled up my web browser, headed to YouTube, and gave him my visual. "Every single day is like this." I replied.

    When the video ended, the DM attempted to protest, but the rest of the party agreed that it seemed legit. So... I had to incorporate choreographed dancing into her morning meditation. Worth it.
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