More Funny D&D Stories

[The_Tentacle]

So in the most recent session of my D&D 4e group, our warlock was charged by his fey patron to get a portal inside Menzobaranzan (Drow capital city, no idea if I spelled it correctly). Because he gave us money, we decided to help.

First (this one has been posted elsewhere by both myself and the DM):
So the warlock (a Tiefling) has both insane bluff and stealth bonuses. So he is elected to sneak into the Bazaar and get some information. What he forgot was that he didn't actually speak Drow. So, using his Hat of Disguise to appear as a Drow, he goes in and begins to wander the marketplace. He hears an angry voice behind him, and turns around to see a Drow priestess addressing him. He had no idea what she was saying, and couldn't respond in the same language, so he followed my suggestions and pretended to be first mute and then deaf. Somehow, he succeeded on both checks.

Then the priestess switches to Drow sign language. He somehow fails to convince her that he is also blind, though not for lack of trying . He got out okay by hiding and switching disguises, but we were in hysterics for several minutes.

Second (same session):
So after the disastrous reconnaissance mission, we decided to send the entire party in with the wizard appearing as a Drow (he had all the languages). We remember that at one point we formed an alliance with a cleric from house Barasin del Armgo, so we decide to appeal for her for help. Half way through the diplomacy checks to get to her, I mispronounce "Barasin" as "bears in." After saying this, everyone stops talking for several seconds and then I shout "THE BEARS ARE IN DEL ARMGO!" And the rest of the session it pretty much just jokes about the house del Armgo which was conquered by bears as part of a conspiracy to bring down Drow society from the inside. And remember, it's the black bears, they blend in better down there. Since the DM nearly went ballistic from this, it's going to become a recurring joke .

[MrIrish725]

I'm relatively new here, but I'll post one or two of my amusing stories...



So it was a first campaign with a new DM, and the character list was as follows (I apologize I don't recall names of characters, it was a few years back).

Me: Half-Elf Ranger, with an especially shiny quiver and wolf companion.
Jeff: Human Cleric
Mike: Human Fighter
Robbie: Gnome Rogue
Jon: Human Wizard


So the game started as our merry band was stranded level 1's with no weapons or gear, just clothes on our back, in the foothills of a nearby mountainous range. We proceed over the hills, being politely jovial and joking, until we come across a band of roving Kobolds guarding a nearby camp that held spoils of a raided caravan. Seeing as we were out numbered and had no weapons or gear, we decided to say "Screw it" and go for it. Our fighter rushed forward, and decided to grapple one of the guards. Our wizard promptly sat down (having no spells), and started playing with the grass at a safe distance. I picked up a small pile of rocks and began using them as "ballistic" weapons which my DM allowed. That's when it became our clerics turn. He decided to rush the nearest kobold and go for a mighty punch. DM allows it, tells him to roll. He rolls a 20, critical success. Rolls for damage, scores crazy high on the damage scale. So my DM played it out as follows...

DM: So you succeed in your attack...
Jeff: Woo! Alright what'd I do?
DM: You take a mighty swing at the nearby kobold. You proceed to slam your fist into it's groin with rare seen force. You smash it so hard in the groin your fist actually punctures up through its body, into it's rib cage and your hand is now gripping the dead kobolds brain steam. Congratulations, you now have +1 Kobold Gauntlet....

He also gave him the ability to move its jaw by squeezing his hand (think of a puppet), and named it Gary and it followed us through much of the adventure, until the body rotted to nothing and fell off his arm.


Another time, myself, the Wizard and the Fighter were all together, playing a seperate spin off campaign from our primary, at this time we were about level 5 or so.

We were making our way through a cavern of Arachnos (the spider people), trying to find our way towards our fighter friend who had been kidnapped in the night. We had to climb a vertical shaft, to access an ante-chamber to allows us to continue. Being a half-elf ranger with good dex, I had no problem making my jump and climb checks....my wizard friend? Not so much. So he got the brilliant idea to levitate a coil of rope to the top, then have it drop down. DM has him roll for it....wizard rolls a 1. DM starts laughing and explains it as such...

DM: So you are levitating the rope when you feel it snag on something. You focus your energy and begin pulling, but feel a weight behind it, slowing your progress. Ranger, roll a dex check...
Me: ?.......*rolls* *fails*....I fail.
DM: *laughing harder now* You feel something float by you, but wraps around your neck as it moves upward. You feel a sharp tug as you are pulled off the wall, and now suspended by this mysterious force (it was dark and I couldn't see the rope, only a small sliver of light). You feel it begin choking you. Wizard, you focus your efforts harder, and managed to drag this now much heavier rope up to the top of the cavern. You tie the rope off, and feel the weight now slip free, and you hear something tumbling down the cavern...Ranger, roll another dex check...
Me:.....*rolls and fails* Oh **** me....
DM: You are dragged to the top of the cavern, choking and gasping for air. You find salvation and lean out to grab the upper ledge, but the edge is slippery and hard to grasp...you begin falling down the cavern....

And that my friends is how my wizard friend strangled and dropped my Ranger to his death.....I was forced to reroll a character next session, which began the adventures of "Cookie: Half Orc Berzerker"...

[illyahr]

One from one of my first games. We were still fairly low level, only about 5 or 6 at the time. I was playing a half-elf rogue named Robinda Hood (Robin Hood's cousin) who had a habit of drawing the DM's ire with her chaotic/neutral personality. He was a good sport about it and everyone thought it was a good character, but she had a knack for doing the one thing to derail his setups.

The setup:

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First off, she was a kleptomaniac and put anything unattended into her pocket (think kender from dragonlance, hence the DM's frustration). When walking through dungeon paths, she would steal the torches off the wall as we walked and store him in her pack so she could sell them later (she would make 1 cp per torch, and would end up with an extra few gold every time we went out). The DM eventually declared that all torches were bolted to the wall. At any given time, she would be carrying any number of magical and mundane items, including a Scroll of Raise Dead and a Ring of Invisibility (keyword: periwinkle).

The last straw:

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Our DM set up an epic fight for us. He set us up to raid an orc barracks to disrupt the orcs that had been harassing the local villages. With the numbers and levels he intended, he figured that Robinda wouldn't be able to disrupt too many of them at any given time, and some of his higher-level NPC orcs wouldn't be fooled by her antics. She would prove him wrong by a series of simple actions.

We entered the barracks without any trouble (we were a fairly stealthy group with some of the things Robinda had "acquired") and discovered that most of the orcs were eating dinner. As some of the group tried to come up with a plan, they hear me say "periwinkle" and then notice that I'm gone. Robinda proceeds to sneak into the mess hall and pick one orc's pocket. She then places one of the coins near the orc beside him and then "picks" the first orc's pocket again but makes it obvious this time.

The target orc was not pleased. DM made me roll a series of Sleight of Hand checks as well as a Bluff check opposed by the orc with a DC on each one of 25 (barely made each one). Since I passed all my checks, the orc saw the coins and punched his buddy. This started a massive brawl in the mess hall while I and my companions watched from the hallway and mopped up the few remaining once it had quieted down.

DM was not pleased. What was supposed to be a CR 8 dungeon turned into a cleanup operation after all but two of the orcs knocked themselves out.

The End...or not:

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In a later session, we stumbled into a monstrous spider's lair. It was in some sturdy stone ruins (had our dwarf check to make sure) and they had built their webs on the ceiling so we didn't notice at first. As the first spiders attacked and we became aware of the webs, Robinda decided to set fire to all the webbing. She grabs one of the torches from her pack, has the wizard light it with a spell, and tosses it up into the webbing.

DM, after initially telling us all that the ruins were in good condition with no chance of collapse, declares that the fire weakened the structure enough to have the ceiling collapse on me, squishing me flat and destroying some of my gear. After the initial shock, the cleric remembers that I have a scroll of Raise Dead on me and convinces the party to dig up my...remains...to get to the scroll as a scroll would not be destroyed by a cave-in.

DM, not wanting the problem-character back, said they would have to keep rolling checks over several days as only one person in the group had a character that could handle that much manual labor. The group discussed it and (after a spellcraft check from our cleric) decided that they might be able to get to me before the time limit (9 days, as per item creation rules). Somehow, they kept making their checks and they dug me out on the ninth day so the cleric was able to use the scroll to revive me. Thereafter, the DM decided that the Dice Gods must approve of my character and stopped making attempts at her life. He referred to her as the Big Greasy Smear from that point on, however.

[sagiterios]

So I got involved in a joke campaign about a year ago. DM basically told us to do whatever we wanted.

He had no idea what he was about to get. This is the tale of Squidbits

multiple text walls incoming

the party

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Everybody in the party did something interesting. Our rogue was Monsieur Bearduex, and yes, he was a bear with maxed out bluff and disguise. He became default party leader. He was a very noble bear, with a monocle and cane and a bag of holding sewn into his top hat, and his own personal butler to help do whatever His Grizzlyness is not able. (Coincidentally, he rolled a 20 and is the only person in the world who actually realizes his master is a bear). Another player rolled himself up a homicidal robot. Instead of any sort of normal weaponry he opted to carry around a full sized ballista, and would grapple after he inevitably missed. Our resident caster was based off Lulu from league of legends. Polymorph everything, never really think about turning them back.

But me, I did something special.

Enter Squidbits

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now, free of character restrictions of any kind, I decided to see what I could do. So I said, "well why not an anthropomorphic octopus? He could wield cleavers, and be a master chef! That’s good, that’s good, but what about class? EH, screw it, warblade. I then poured skill points into profession: chef, craft: sushi, and jump. Why jump? Cause the octopus obviously needed to fly

His backstory was as such: some old nameless witch was looking to cook up a pot of her famous peoplepus jambalaya. That morning she had caught herself a warrior trying to make a name by taking her head. Now she just needed an octopus to get cooking. So down at the fish market, she finds a glorious specimen. Gigantic, still alive, and trying to eat everything in sight. So she stuffs it in a sack and heads back home. Then she gets to thinking. She had always chopped the people and the octopus into little pieces and left them to simmer. But what would real peoplepus taste like. SO she gets home, tosses the octopus in the cage with a paralyzed warblade, whips up some magic, and creates the very first peoplepus. That was a mistake. The spineless creature easily squeezed through the bars and bit off her foot. Then went to work on her face. And you know what? PEOPLE TASTE GREAT.

Somehow, in all the magic, the octopus had would up in control of the body, but still had the memories of the warblade. SO he spent the next day pouring over all the witches’ cookbooks, devouring every word, alongside the witch and everything else that was edible.

Now for this campaign, we rolled our stats randomly. I rolled one stat below a 14. It was something like 16 str, 18 dex, 18 con, 14 int 14 wis (before any enhancements/additions). Then he had 3 charisma. Than I asked if I could have some penalty to take off 3 more charisma. I didn’t even ask for anything in return. He wielded 6 cleavers, and had the multiattack feat line. He had something like 13 attacks at level 10. Broken as all hell. He also had a leather apron that allowed him to breathe out of water.

Meeting the party.

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I entered the campaign a couple sessions late. And this is how I introduced myself.

The party woke up after making camp for the night. Somebody who was playing a monk that was absolutely convinced he was a dragon had decided to drop out of the campaign. So when the part awoke, they discovered, instead of their comrade, a giant skeleton of a silver dragon sitting on his sleeping mat/bed/whatever. It was utterly picked clean of all meat. Close inspection revealed cleaver marks on the bones, as well as the strong smell of ammonia and some dribblings of ink. The party basically said "that’s weird" and started out on the road. At some point, they spotted a flock of ducks flying overhead. The robot decided to take some target practice, with extra overkill. He doused his bolt in alchemists fire took aim with the ballista, and for I think the only time ever, hit his intended target on a nat 20. And confirmed it. The DM ruled that a roast duck fell out of the sky and landed on a silver platter that happened to be sitting beside the road. For some reason, the robot decided to store the duck in his chest cavity, as he could not actually eat it.

Sometime later along the road, The Dm prompted a spot/listen check and signaled to me. They passed barely enough to realize there was something in the woods beside the bush. Robot decides ballista is best solution. I decide this makes robot best target. SO I use a maneuver to leap out and do a full attack (my favorite maneuver on this guy). I roll a natural one. Dm rules that sense my innate bonus was enough to leap twice that distance, I instead face plant straight into the robot. The robot who is specked to grapple and covered in spikes. So apparently 6 of my7 8 libs become hopelessly entangled on his spikes, and the DM basically expects the robot to hand me my ass. Well I had some innate racial modifiers giving me constriction, and to everybody’s surprise I was doing as much damage as the robot. I also decided to let loose my ink bladder and blind him. SO The robot is blindly flailing around while an octopus attempts to pry itself off. It looks like this is gonna take a while, so the bear and Lulu start setting up a tea party.

Now me and the robot spend several rounds struggling with each other. I’ve managed to free a couple more limbs, and am keeping up with his damage, but the robot had significantly more health than me and was still doing slightly more damage, despite me binding up his limbs. So I decide to start tearing off his spiked plates. I’m rolling great on my strength checks, and tear off both shoulder pads off, and start working on his chest plate. Out pops the duck. Now me, being essentially a chaotic hungry, is instantly more interested in the roasted duck than continuing this long and problematic grapple. So next round, the robots eyes widen as I roll a nat 20 on my strength check to free all my limbs. He is expecting me to start beating on him until he was pile of scrap. I decided to jump on the duck. I devoured it in all of 6 seconds, and sense perspective-wise he couldn’t tell I was eating a duck, and thought I was surrendering. I then walked over to the tea party, rolled myself an epically high cooking check and made the best damn cup of tea our noble bear had ever tasted. So I was invited to join the party on the promise of many magnificent flavors to be had upon their adventure.

Spiders

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So after a bit more waking through the woods we come upon a makeshift campsite by a lake. A group of dwarves are in the middle of fighting some spider-people things, maybe driders or something, don’t remember exactly. So upon witnessing this scene, I leap into action. Literally. Of course this results I a natural 1 and I fly directly into the campfire. The rest of the party is still across the lake so I’m sorta on my own (the ballista missed, big shock). So next round I pull myself out of the fire. The driders and dwarves have backed off from each other with the arrival of this strange squid-beast flinging himself across the lake. I stand, cleavers gleaming, chef hat ablaze, and prepare to enter battle against those most vile of creatures

DWARVES.

Now this is where I get to discover that I roll a lot of attacks every turn. And when you are playing with critical failures, this means a lot of interesting stuff can happen. Over the next few round I manage to chop off one of my own tentacles (they grow back in a few days), huck a cleaver into the lake, and lodge another cleaver into a rock. But the dwarves are dropping like flies, and eventually turn to run. Right into a very well-dressed bear who promptly decides that he does not much care for dwarves either. So there is now a nice collection of short and stocky corpses and some rather intimidated driders with no real route of escape (between the lake and a large rock). I finally put out my hat and get to work preparing our new “provisions”. The bear talks to the driders and learns that the Dwarven kingdom has chased them out of their ancestral home as part of the king’s ongoing war against the forest. (he ran out of elves).Only dwarves may enter the dwarven kingdom, which poses a problem for us, as robots squids and insane midgets seem to lack in the facial hair department. I immediately think of a solution:

I cut the face off a dwarf and wear it. The others seem to think this is an awful idea, but I am convinced of my genius. They instead ask the spider people to weave them some fake beards, with great results. But I insist on wearing my dwarf face. We decide to camp for the night. Lulu feasts upon her personal store of cupcakes while I spit roast a dwarf for the driders and the bear to eat.

Dwarves

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The next day we head into the dwarven kingdom. The checkpoint is guarded by some celestial sworn to the service of the king, called the Champion. I approach him with a friendly hello and ask to enter the kingdom. Doesn’t work, He immediately takes offense to my horrendous beard and attacks me. But before I have the chance to add some celestial to my provisions the bear convinces him to stand down. The celestial, awestruck by the bear’s magnificent full-body beard, assumes that he must be of the most noble heritage. I am excused as a “pestilent peasant” and we are granted an audience with the king. The king is a fat old dwarf with the most magnificent flowing beard you have ever seen. It takes up half the room. Apparently, the dwarven kingdom is in turmoil. The streets are being flooded with beard-growing drugs, and the nobility is losing their footing as masters of facial hair as a result. They task us to stop it. So we figure that the squid won’t be any help in gathering information, so me and Lulu head to explore the city. Lulu blows all of her spells playing “tag” with the dwarven children. Tag is obviously best played with squirrels. I spend my time “enhancing” my beard with squirrel pelts, and trading some delicious “mystery meats” (read: dwarf) in the dwarven market. Eventually the others find us and inform us that the drug operation is housed in an old mine. So off we go to save the day. We bust into the mining office, kill us some dwarves and find out where in the mine they are storing their drug cache. Apparently it is guarded by some sort of monster; I think it was a knell beetle. So we go to kill this thing, and I win initiative, followed by the beetle and then lulu and the bear. So I did my usual thing and leap in, and I bet you’ll never guess what I rolled. So I lodge myself in the things trumpet and lose my turn. It responds by blasting it as loud as it could, blow me across the room and dealing more damage than I am happy about. So then lulu has herself a great idea. She polymorphs the bear into the most powerful monster she could pull off at her level, cause why not? The bear suddenly finds himself a cryohydra, and blasts the thing with his breath weapon. No more knell beetle. Robot never even got to miss with his ballista.

So here we are with this GIANT cache of beard-growing narcotics. And me who has constantly been trying to improve my beard. So I down a few thousand doses. Much to my disappointment, I find that my tentacles merely crow out, become glossy and weave themselves into a braid. I really just wanted the best beard ever, but I guess you can only do so much with an octopus. As we exit the mind, we are greeted by the king’s guard, who inform us we are under arrest for drugrunning. So we blow our way past them and go hide in a shady part of town. There we meet a shadowy figure that informs us that the king had ordered the creation of the drug for his own use, but the recipe got out. So we decide he needs a good ol’ overthrowing. WE take our argument to the Champion, who is outraged at the king’s fraud and agrees to rally the troops while we take out the king. So we go to commit ourselves some wholesome regicide. We have no real difficulty getting to the throne room with the champions troops holding off the royal guard. The king is sitting on his throne surrounded by his elite bodyguards. It should be known that this king is apparently a bard well above our own level. But I’m a squid, so screw him. I do my leap thing one more time and guess what I roll? A 4! So I launch myself across the room and unload a full attack onto his regal face. (This is the first time I managed to complete a full attack round without rolling a 1) I hit with most of my attacks, and since my stance adds another d6 onto every attack, I end up burning through something like 80% of his health. Robot decides to forgo the ballista and just charge in to finish him off. As the king died, his magically enhanced beard reverted into its true state” a scraggly neck beard. The royal guards are all horrified at the king’s deception. And that’s when they noticed the bear. He walked up, rolled the king out of the throne and proclaimed “If there are any in this land who challenge my magnificent beard, let him step forward and claim the throne from under me” and sat down. The royal guard immediately kneeled and hailed him as the True King of the Dwarves.

And so a rogue who happened to be a bear became the greatest king the dwarven kingdom had ever known. The remaining supplies of beard drug were powdered and spread into the forest, causing the trees to grow beards and be accepted into the dwarven kingdom, ending the decades long war with the forest.

Unfortunately, at this point we were inundated with finals, and with the DMs graduation this campaign ended. But Squidbits will always be remembered. And who knows, he may even return some day.

[ReaderAt2046]

So we were playing D&D 4th, and it pretty soon became clear that I'd made a hilariously bad choice: playing a paladin in a crew of loonies (my crewmates included but were not limited to a ranger archer who can make 4 full-damage attacks a round (we're all at level 1), a mage character with an irresistible compulsion to futz with magic gear, and a rouge in a clown outfit). Things got off to an ok start when a flying ship fell out of the sky and its captain hired us to guard it.

After a while we get attacked by seven wolves. Of course, clown-dude decides this is the appropriate time to kidnap the first mate, for reasons which are unclear, and mage-dude decides to make the ship take off. Due to its being broken, it only gets a couple of feet off the ground, but it starts spinning around in circles and several PCs get beaned.

The next encounter has a horde of sixteen goblin minions showing up and getting shredded (our goliath berserker killed four of them by doing a Mario impression and the quad-attack ranger shredded most of the rest). I managed to get the group to take one alive for interrogation, but nobody spoke Goblin so we couldn't get much out of him, even before the goliath decided to sit on him.

Then the piece de resistance, a level 14 enemy in black armor teleports onto the ship's deck and starts trying to kill the captain. Naturally, half the party joins him and I get knocked out by the ranger's quad-power attack. At that point, it became obvious that I could no longer be part of the party, so we decided that my paladin got off the ship at the first available opportunity and went to get more paladins. Plot hook!

[oball]

Harken well, friends, and listen as I relate a tale of bravery, of peril, and of heroic self-sacrifice.

'twas in the years following the Fall, the catastrophic event that toppled decadent empires, reshaped the land itself and plunged the world into a frozen age, eternal winter shrouding the land in a cloak of ice. Four hundred years had passed since then when our heroes set out from the village of Berun's Run, charged by the elders with the task of journeying to a distant and ancient tomb to search for artifacts that might lift this icy veil and once again allow us to flourish.

Three we were - Duran, a human, a ranger of the wilds, with his trusty canine companion Woof; Mongo, dwarvish fighter of renown, slayer of Cave Lizards; and myself, Frnimbl Frostsnap the gnome, my bardic duty to chronicle our quest. For weeks we forged a path across the frozen wastes, living off the land, fighting frostlings, ice giants and starving wolves. Eventually we found our way to the tomb, ancient hold of the Lagossian cult, wandering healers. Abandoned for four hundred years, only undead guardians remained. A pack of ghouls fell quickly before our blades, but alas! In single combat with a mummy, Mongo prevailed, but not before the foul creature had passed on its curse and its disease.

His strength was rapidly failing, but still we pressed on. Exploring the final rooms of the tomb, we came across the ghost of Anian Lagos, founder of the cult. He related what lore he could, but was unable to aid poor Mongo. However, he revealed to us a teleportation circle set in the floor of the tomb, through which he could send us to a location that remained warm amidst the ice. We stepped inside the circle, to be transported to a balmy lakeside.

The unfrozen lake, a forested island in the midst of it, lapped at green, healthy grass, but the circle of warmth only extended so far from the shore of the lake. Beyond that, the frozen pine forests we were used to marched far away into the distance. Clearly this was the work of powerful magic. Exploring the area, we came across a strange lady and her companion, a bear of prodigous size. She was clearly one of the fae, and told us that she had been there since before the Fall. We asked her about the island, and she replied only that there was a great evil there, unkillable and implacable, but unable to cross the water. Some powerful force had placed it there centuries prior to guard something, but she knew not what. Despite her warnings, we decided to journey to the island to investigate.

Cutting branches to form flotation devices, we swam to the island. Reaching it, we saw a circular track around the circumference. Duran, using his skill as a tracker, determined that it had been formed by the same creature repeatedly walking this trail, perhaps for hundreds of years. We realised this must be the evil the fae lady spoke of, and it would not be long before it was upon us. As we spoke, we heard it approaching. Mongo the dwarf, brave, doomed soul, aware that no cure was available for his disease, quickly formed a plan.

Before leaving our village, the elders had supplied us with alchemists's fire of unusual strength. Roughly four times as powerful as normal, these fiery potions had already served us well against the undead. Mongo quickly gathered the 16 we had left and slung them about his person. Bidding us to climb trees and remain hidden, he began to shout a challenge to the unknown guardian of the island. Before long, it charged out of the trees, a tall figure clad head-to-toe in black spiked armour, rimed with frost depsite the magical warmth of the lake. Wielding an enormous axe, it charged at brave Mongo. At the last possible moment, he took two alchemist's fires in his hands and clapped them together.

A moment of light, a flash of intense heat. Where Mongo had stood only moments before was a rapidly expanding firestorm. The creature was hurled from sight by the fireball. Once the hailstorm of splinters from the annihilated trees was gone, we hastened to the centre of the island. On a pedestal stood a crystal orb, which we pocketed. Running back to the shore, we dived into the water and swam for it. The creature, blackened and battered by the fireball, followed us to the shore, but dared not enter the water. Making it back to the mainland, we collapsed, and I resolved to make sure that the sacrifice of Mongo the dwarf would never be forgotten.

(The alchemist's fires did 64d6 of damage altogether. The player insisted on finding 64 d6s and rolling it all at once. Ended up doing 202 points of damage. Magnificent.)

[Afool]

I think this might do better under the Epic Moments thread.

[Cael Armanic]

My very first encounter playing D&D (Pathfinder, CRB only)
Party: Me (Sorcerer) a bard, two rangers, a rogue and a cleric of pharasma

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In the first night we were all asleep except our cleric, keeping watch.

DM: You notice a man bleeding heavily, in ragged clothes wander into your camp. Before you have a chance to do anything he collapses, still breathing.

Cleric: I smash his head with my hammer.

DM: ...What?

Cleric: You said we were near a forest which had werewolves in. He is clearly a werewolf.

DM: How could you possibly know that?

Cleric: Well was he?

DM: ...

Needless to say, they were a werewolf but not feral. A few very angry paladin werewolves showed up not long after that and confiscated the clerics hammer. We got it back but it can only deal nonlethal damage now.

[Kamui Atropa]

Some weeks ago we had to start a new d&d 3.5 campaign (in a homebrew world named Xanteria) because the last got screwed up by one of our players. With this scenario our DM decided to punish us, if we use knowledge our characters could not have (which was s lot, since everyone of us knew the world very well). If he knew what this decision would lead to he would have changed his mind.

For this story only 2 of 7 characters are important.
Sakura a hengeyoukai(Fox) druid
Kamui Atropa (ME) a botalanian Ranger, specialiced in archery
(botalanians in a few words are plant people whose knowlegde and botanical abilities come from a magic pyramid, that allows them to crossbreed any seed. Being pacifists they took great advantage out of this ability. If they are far away from that pyramid they "degenerate" to normal humans)

It was a simple start for the adventure. A sorcerer wanted to awake a demon out of its 500 years of sleep so he sacrificed innocent people. The local judge hired us to stop that. After three dead bodies we had to find a way to improve our hunt.
So Sakura and Kamui decided to go to the library and search for a book about ancient rituals. We knew that the ritual would need a Stone called "The stone of Berias." So we talked to the librarian, but were only allowed to whisper. So I whispere the named Berias. Our DM, who can be really evil, didn't understand me very well so decided to go with what the librarian could have understood.
She showd us the way to a book. It was a big black book. When my character tried to pull it out of the shelf the DM said "It feels very heavy, as if it is working against you. Do you really want to pull it out of the shelf?"
I said "yes" because Kamui could not no that he was already doomed. I knew it.

So the book was lying on table. There was a word written in language (demonic) that neither Sakura nor Kamui could read. So I decided to open it. The other Players were informed that they heard a gigantic explosion und those standing in open space could see smoke coming form the library.

Of course Sakura und Me were thinkin "ok we are dead". But because of the explosion, because we knew what would happen next. The librarian thougt we were searching for a book about BELIAL, which is the god of devils. And these books are a gateway to his realm. Too bad our characters had no chance fo knowing that.

DM: You are standing in a huge cavern. There are skulls everywhere. In front of you there is a throne made of human bones and a Person ten times your size is sitting there. It hast horns, hoofs and seems to be very angry.
DM (as Belial): What are you doing here?
Sakura starts to smoke a jo... she starts "eating s sandwich"
ME: We don't know, there was this book...
DM (as Belial): Those books again, I should destroy them. So what can you do for me?

There was silence. We knew that we were technically dead. So we did the only thing possible. Just played out the characters how they appeared until now. So Sakura kept eating her sandwich and I said the first thing that comes to Kamuis mind.

Sakura: Want a sandwich?
A fiery gaze turns the "sandwich" to ashes.
DM: you feel the presence of your god disappearing
ME: We don't know, we were just searching for a book about rituals to summon a demon...
Silence at the table. Everyone had this "you didn't say that to him" look on their face
DM (as Belial): You want to summon a demon?
ME (thinkin): no we don't but if I say that he will kill me and I am pretty sure he knows when I am telling truth and when I lie to him. So...
ME: We are somehow involed in the ressurection of a Demon.
Silence again. Our DM repeate my last words a few times and smiled.
DM (as Belial): so may it be!
DM: He sends to flames to your chests. You feel no pain, but somethin dark has infected you. The next moment your are back and see the ruins of a library.
Sakura: I'll never eat a sandwich anymore.

That was the moment, we had to make a break beacause it was late at the night. Everyone was still staring at me. The DM leand to me and said:
"Are you aware of what happened? You just talked Belial out of turning you into a cockroach or worse AND this god of evil is now interested in you AND you made it possible that the sorcerer now really has a chance to awake the demon and that all because you mispronounced Berias."
My answer: "At least I didn't kill the whole party this time"

[Scow2]

So... your characters went from the Heroes of the campaign to Villains?

[Kamui Atropa]

So... your characters went from the Heroes of the campaign to Villains?

No we have become pawns of the devil.

We tried to stop the Necromancer but it turned out, that the ritual killed him. But when we entered the tomb the falmes left our body and the Demon Theobar rose from his grave.

Since it was the demon of slaughter and suicide I think I do not have to specify what happened to the nearby town.

But thanks to a giant walking golden statue und divine intervention we found a method of killing the demon and as a bonus were sent back to moment he rose from his grave and could kill him right there.

And that was just the beginning.

During the last session we encountered a special horse. 4 things made it special.
1. Our druid talked with the horse and it stated that it would kill us all. The first one would be me because I tried to put a bridle on it so that our troll could ride on it.
2. It ist one Half Giant Horse
3. The other halfe ist a nightmare
4. It was infected by a werewolf

Number 4 was very bad for me. After another meeting with a demonic god(des) (my character seems to be cursed) I came back with a lot of bleeding scratches that could not be healed with normal magic but that burned like salted papercuts. I could not react fast enough when that horse was suddenly standing next to me and started licking on one of the bloody scratches.
DM: your wounds are tingling and start to disapear.
Me: Cool
DM: you were infected. Now you are a werewolf
*silence*
Me: Does the horse still want to kill me?
DM: I think so.

I had more of this bad luck that night.

[ReaderAt2046]

So we're playing Call of Cuthulu, and one of our party members (named Aiden) has gotten plot-hooked. Specifically, one of his friends has become addicted to a hallucinogenic magical drug called "pixie dust" and is dying. So we bring him back to the hospital and I secretly perform a Heal ritual on him (my character is an active magic-user). The ritual does nothing, and the GM informs me by secret note that the addict's body is fine. The problem is the depletion of his spirit.
This is where I come up with a really stupid idea. According to some notes we recovered, pixie dust induces a sort of collective consciousness among its users, so I propose to Aiden that he deliberately take the pixie dust in the hopes that he'll be able to communicate with his friend and wake him up. To my complete astonishment, he actually does it... and promptly gets possessed by an unknown party. Naturally, once he regains control, he decides to dismiss all my ideas on principle.

[Diezo]

The setup- It was our first time playing DND 3.5 as a group. Some of us had played before but it was usually just the prepackaged quests and whatnot. So we decided to play and make it a fun, rule-breaking game. Basically anything goes. We all took turns being DM.

The players- Me- A lightning angel Paladin and during our second game, A half-dragon, half-celestial paladin (yes the half and half doesn't work but in my mind two halves make a whole)
Paul- A demon Cleric. IRL he tried to start a religion in my basement(where we were playing) following his character, so hes crazy
Brandon- A rogue Penis. Yea an anthropomorphic penis, with twin hand Xbows, that shot daggers, which exploded.
Kevin- A mindflayer sorcerer
AJ- A human fighter. He wanted to play a for real game even though he agreed to our shenanigans, so he hated how much fun we were having and so he was often the target for our jokes and such.

The Stories- Spoilered for length, and in order to how they happened

Spoiler: Which switch is which?

Show

Kevin was playing DM. We enter the dungeon and are all in a small room. The doorway to the rest of the dungeon is blocked by bars, so naturally we try to break them down. We can't. Off to the left of the doorway we find five switches all in the up position. To us this seems simple. Flip some switches go in. We first try to switch them all down. Nothing happens. We spend almost an hour OOG trying to figure out the right combination of up/down to open the door. Nothing works.
I turn to the DM and ask, "Hey are there other dungeons around the town, like could we leave and go to another one and kill stuff?" He answers sure. Ok then I take my figure and slide him so hes back outside the dungeon. Our DM reaches over and places my figure on the other side of the barred doorway and says "Good job" We all stare at him. Finally Brandon asks, so all we had to do was leave and we'd teleport over there?"
"Yep" he replies. "You're a jerk Kev"

Spoiler: Pink Walls hurt your eyes

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We had been exploring the dungeon for a while now, easily killing things, usually by bending or breaking the rules. This really ticked AJ off, every time we'd break a rule he'd have a little heartattack and go off on us for being "stupid" and "ruining the game". By this point we were all pretty tired of AJ so we wanted to kill him. And so it began. We had got another friend of ours to play DM so that we wouldnt have to. We enter a room with whats describe d as a "garish hot pink wall" and full of orcs. Paul and I take out the 20ish orcs in one round, so we begin to loot them and the room. AJ for some reason is convinced the pink wall is important so he continues to investigate it. After a while he rolls a 20 on his search check to investigate the wall. Our new DM looks him dead in the eye and says "OK then you feel a headache growing behind your eyes, and soon your vision fades away to nothing but pink." AJ's jaw hit the ground. He was just blinded by a wall of pink paint.

Spoiler: Demonic Gods give good gifts.....but with a price, one we all really wanted

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At this point we were pretty high levels. With Paul and I continuing to make up racial abilities for ourselves and killing everything before anyone else could even get a move. One 'night' in game when Paul was praying for spells, he hears the voice of his demon god speaking to him. It tells him that the god is pleased with Pauls progress and wants to grant him a boon, anything Paul asks for. Paul immediately asks for a tank. However with no engines the god asks, but what will pull your tank. Pauls response: tentacle wolves AKA displacer beasts. The god responds very well, take this token and whenever you need your tank and beasts, simply offer a sacrifice and bathe the token in his blood. No none of us knew this had occured as we had all left to use the bathroom, get food, etc. while Paul prepped spells. When we got back we started again. First room we enter has a pair of great wyrm black dragons. Crap. ALthough we all were high level we didnt really trust ourselves to survive. Paul steps to the front of the group and takes one of brandons hand xbows. "Don't worry guys I have a plan" He turns to AJ and shoots him square in the face. The dagger goes through AJ's eye and sticks, then explodes. Aj died. Brandon Kevin and I were stunned. Paul kneels next to the corpse and soaks his token in AJ's blood, suddenly from behind him the DM pulls a toy tank and several small toy dogs to represent the tentacle wolves. He puts paul in the toy tank and places it on the board. The dragons scoff and proceed to mock us. Paul asks "did we decide how much damage the tanks gun does?" The DM shakes his head and says " no here well do it randomly each time." He puts one of each kind of die d4, d6, etc. in a baggie and hands it to Paul. Paul turns his tank toward the closest of the dragons and fires. He hits and crits. He reaches in the bag and pulls out a d20, rolls and rolls a 20. The tank had a crit rate of x4 so 80 damage plus another dice roll, so paul rolls boom a second 20. so 100 damage total, which to a great wyrm is nothing. However Paul reloads Brandons borrowed xbow and shoots one of his displacer beasts, the beast dies and the tank reload and fires again. This time Paul pulls out a d100. He rolls and 80. This continues until Paul is out of displacer beasts and the dragon is clearly on his last legs. Paul then uses Brandons last dagger to shoot the dragon. And he misses.... So then the real fight began as we beat down the mostly dead dragon as well as the fully alive one.

Spoiler: Grey Renders make great mounts

Show

So after almost everyone left Kevin and I decided to restart at level one and work our way back up. I made an entirely new character(see above) and he just de-leveled his. Brandon agreed to be our DM. So Kevin and I level fairly quickly without much stress. We wipe out a village of orcs and have the entire nation on our tail, not a good thing. So as were running we head through some woods. On our way we run into a Grey render. For a pair of about 4th level characters we were panicing that it would take us too long to beat and we would be caught by the orc nation. So first round I dive bomb the Grey Render. As a paladin I could have a mount, I choose a Pegasus, why because Brandon allowed it. So in my charge I crit and deal about 80 some odd damage, since I was using a lance I already had bonus damage. Before I can finish the render off Kevin stops me. "No wait I want it." He has his mindflayer walk up to it and mind control it. I heal it for him using up all of my Lay on hands. We find a choke point in the woods using a river and some tough trees. And we wait. Fianlly the vanguard of the orc nation breaks thought he undergrowth and sees us standing waiting. Kevin makes the grey render roll an intimidate check, and I roll one and he rolls one. All 3 were 19 or 20. The vanguard turn tail and ran, warning the rest of the army about the terror that lay ahead. And so we survived.

[CorwinofAmber]

So a few friends and I got together to start a role playing game based around King Arther stuff ( Knights and shizzle ) No a few of us had done a little role playing before but not much and are GM had done a lot of his own writing and stuff from books. So we all rolled our knight and i ended up with the most evil badass knight in existence - Think Samuel Jackson mixed with Captain Evil, Cool, Funny but a complete C**t.

So we all enter a tourney to test out some skill and earn some favor/gold.
My Char is doing the Joust when i unhorse the other knight I'm fighting and continue to engage on foot. After a few bad roles by me and some good ones by our GM i am down on one knee and about to be knocked out Game over no prizes for me. ROLL FOR EVIL, -19 Brilliant! I grab a hand full of dirt and hurl it in his eyes. ( Not very knightly at all ) I then spring into attack and roll 20! Knocking him off his feet and unconscious all in one blow. Whoop Whoop.

Up till now its not too bad until i decide i like his armor more than mine so i strip him naked and leave him there in the middle of the arena naked. After discovering the armor wont fit me i send it to the black smith to melt it down.

When the other knight shows up at my tent and demands his armor back i oblige and present him with a lump of metal and tell him to leave while he still has both legs.

He spits at me and calls me ***** so i throw a chair and knock him out again. This time i take a few hundred gold but leave him with the lump of metal.

This was the most fun i have ever had and really pissed of the lawful good knight in our party who was shocked and horrified by my actions but thought better than to challenge me.

[BeholdenCaulf]

A few months ago in a campaign I'm running, this happened

2 PCs want to rob houses with a thieves guild despite one being a full-plated fighter and the other being a sorcerer

In the first instance, the fighter was in a bedroom and heard someone ascending the stairs

With a woeful hide and move silently, he tries the window

Locked, and no open lock class skill

Panicking with time ticking down, the fighter does the only thing he can think of and take a running jump through a second storey glass window

Later, robbing another house (or possibly the same, I can't remember) the sorcerer bluffed the general whose house they were trying to rob that the king was in danger

This backfired as the general insisted he accompany and help, woke up practically an entire infantry division and rode towards the castle, sorcerer in tow

To try and escape this situation, the sorcerer throws himself off the horse

However, nearly all of the soldiers spot this and about turn and wait for him to climb back on his horse, meaning he had thrown himself off a horse for absolutely no reason and looked ridiculous :)

[Windy]

One night my brother was visiting from out of town, so I decided to run a one-shot Pathfinder session with him and two of my friends. It was a great game, mostly because they weren't afraid to ham it up with their characters in a one-shot. Some of the highlights:

• The rogue bought the tavern's cheapest liquor, diluted it, mixed in some herbs, and sold it back at a premium as cough medicine.
• The halfling ranger rode on the shoulders of the cleric like a mount in the middle of combat. He aced all of his ride checks.
• My brother, playing the cleric, eventually found out about the evil cult. He interrupted their summoning ritual, saying, "It's time for some holy justice now. You guys had..." *sunglasses* "...your chants." YEEEAAAAAAHH!

This group is definitely going to have another adventure the next time my brother visits.

[DSmaster21]

(Note: PF)

Characters

Lewis as boldor (The most foolish rogue in the world who the player insists has a lowercase name that he often misspells as bolor or once bord)
Me as Akrem EagleFlight (My GMPC druid who always carried lots of Goodberries to revive boldor and has a bird motif and Roc campanion that covers for his lack of combat ability)
Nick as ... (We could never pronounce his bard's name so we called him Sing-Song because he insisted on role-playing his character's many many many performances)
We had 1-2 other players (it was a drop-in sort of campaign) that day but the three of us are the only ones key to this story

We were fighting some sort of large monster (Troll, Ogre, Tiny Giant) and Lewis forgot about threatening reach and declared that his character would pull his crossbow and run away to fire from further out. So I explain how this would work and wouldn't you know it the beast missed its first AOE but nailed him with the second. So I declared that since it swung at the back of his head and he was running away he got sent flying and passed out. So he lands a ways and during my turn I run over and had already used up my stash of goodberries for the day on him so I did a heal check to stabilize I rolled a 14+4 so my guy bandages his whole head. The other players went and then Nick ran over and used cure light wounds. The troll got a 0 for init so it took a swing at one of the frontliners and then Lewis went. He shouts "I leap to my feet and waste the F-worder with my crossbow". Laughing I ask him to do an acrobatics check and he succeeded (crit). I ask him to roll for his shot (5 I think) and secretly did some tallying for the fact that he had bandages over his eyes. In the end he shot himself in the foot.

I said something like "you pull the trigger and suddenly feel a sharp pain in your foot".
He (is very loud) screams "I look down at my foot. what do I see?"
Me: "Darkness"
Lewis: "What?"
Me: "everything looks black"
Lewis: (Thinking his character has fallen down a sinkhole or something, he is perfectly intelligent but cannot take hint) "nothing?"
Me: "Well you see little slats of light"
Lewis: "I run toward the light"
Me: "Roll athletics"
Lewis (grumbling about gdanged dark rough terrain and stupid random dm poop) *rolls* 1.
Me: "you fall and hit your head"
Lewis: "DM BS rant, swear, swear, Dang railroading"

Eventually we ended the fight and had to chase down a stumbling fool who didn't think to (IC) check to see why his head felt fuzzy which is what I said to him when he managed to get up again or (OOC) remember what I said while stabilizing him. This is really only the beginning of him doing stuff like this in that campaign (and, since he always plays and rogue named boldor that seems to just be there to be a comic relief butt monkey, every campaign).

[Deremir]

Ok so i was a new first level roug with a sevrnthish level party and we had encountered a deck of many things. So one of the cards caused a incarnation of death to show up. Everytime someone attacked someone elses death a new death showed up for them so...
Dm: what do youbdo?
Me: i pick deaths pocked.
I ended up geting several glowing pearls that blinded you when you cast detect magic on them.

[Erth16]

One of my groups first Pathfinder campaigns, we were getting into homebrew, I was playing a homebrew Dragoon, and my friend was playing some fighter homebrew with a speed of about 120 feet as a move action. So we were walking along to find this kingdom hidden in some swamps, and then this happens.

DM: You hear the sounds of several roars.

Druid: I roll Knowledge Nature, can I Identify the animals?

DM: Yes it is a pride of lions, they are nearby.

Fighter: I charge off in the direction of the lions.

*A round or two later, the rest of the 7 man party +1 dragon this was designed for are left in the dust by his run actions.*

Fighter: Ok, now I charge the strongest looking lion.
*misses*

DM: Ok, the lion *rolls* bites you and *rolls* You are stuck in the lions jaws. It is grappling you.

Fighter: ****.

DM: The other two lions begin to claw at you.

Thankfully, the Fighter was tough, and we managed to get there before he died. Then this happened.

Me: Ok I jump at the Lion grappling him.
*Misses.*
Me:...I then try to stab it.
*Nat 1*

Everyone:...
Wizard and Dragon: Is it time for fire yet?

We got out with no casualties, although due to our house rule that falling unconscious maims you horribly, the Fighter lost an arm and a leg.

There were other weird moments in this campaign, such as the time soon afterwards we ran into a meadery made entirely out of Obdurium long swords, or when we fought three paladins the fighter angered, with the Bard doing most of the up front fighting.

[AlCndnRjct]

Current campaign played usually over roll20. D&D 3.5e DM's fully detailed world with history and ****. I go over to my friends' place as they are in the same city as me and we use our laptops. On of my friends is playing a human paladin, the other friend a tyfeling rouge. The other people over roll20 are the DM and a player playing a human fighter. I'm a dwarven cleric with ADD. So we go to a fairly nice city in a place with no central authority. Sort of like Ancient Greece with its city-states. So we go to this town and the party stops in an inn. I go off to get my flail enchanted. While I'm off, the party is arrested for breaking the law of "our countess is a corrupt evil bitch so **** you". The rouge/assassin manages to escape custody and kill a couple guards with his ****huege death attack of doom. He runs off. I, meanwhile, have just left the enchanter and am on my way back to the inn. A couple guards stop me and ask who I am. I reply with the truth (no metagaming) and they try to arrest me. I hold person one of them and cast darkness. I kill the non-held one and run away through the alley. I make my way back to the inn now fully aware that I am wanted. The bartender had been stabbed by the rouge so I tend to his wound in exchange for him hiding me. Unluckily, a guard walks in and pots me kneeling behind the counter. He asks who I am and I reply that I'm just a dwarf. He tries to arrest me. Now the guards in this city have been built for grappling and using rope so he tries to grapple me and tie me up. I manage to get my hand free and cast create water on his mouth. The DM had said that a person can be considered a container. I am level 7 so that means 14 gallons of water appear in his body. He fails his fortitude save. DM takes like a minute to describe in horrifying detail the spectacle I have just created from eyes bulging to gasping and clawing for air. The man drowns in a horrifying fashion. Everyone in the inn faints. DM tells me to roll a high will save. One natural 20 later and me and the rouge player are rolling on the floor laughing our asses off at my stone faced murder. DM nerfs create water so it's effectively useless now.

[TuggyNE]

DM nerfs create water so it's effectively useless now.

So, it works like it does in the rules now? (There are no level 0 save-or-dies. Just saying.)

[The_Mask_of_Ice]

This happened during about March, at a monthly RPG convention I attend. Here's the story:

So I joined a game which used a cyberpunk FATE mod. After we went through the long process of world, faction and character creation, my Techie named Specs (I'm not too original with names) was ready. Using a stunt, I gave him a secondary character, a fighting robot/hacker named MARU (Mobile Assault and Recon Unit). So, our party was a band of mercenaries on the way to their next job in Thailand. At about this point, a friend of mine who hadn't signed up came over to our table to watch. He asked to join, and since we didn't want to write him up a new character, we gave him control over MARU. A few minutes of IRL time later, our party was in a bar, with the "face" discussing the terms and conditions with their contractor's representative. The rest of us wandered off towards different sections to chat with the customers and maybe get some useful info. So MARU ended up with a group of stoners. They made a social attack against him (offered him a joint) and rolled pretty high. He was taken out and had to change one of his aspects (smoked the joint and got hooked), so his player changed one of them to "My H4x0ring powers run on weed." Cue him RPing MARU with a "hippie" speech pattern and doing generally stupid stuff. It was pretty funny, I guess.

[AlCndnRjct]

So, it works like it does in the rules now? (There are no level 0 save-or-dies. Just saying.)

House rules to keep me from murdering everybody in one hit. Nobody knew about the rules of conjuration at that point.

[Deremir]

Ok so i was DMing for a group of eight. A barbarian a fighter a druid a cleric a rouge a paladin a ranger and a wizard. All but the paladin are CN

So they come across a small elf vilage in the trees. It was just soposed to be a place to rest and get directions further into the forest. I was describing the town when one of the players asks what was in the jail. Improvising i rattled off some numbers of player races and monsters. (none of which happened to be elves.) that player then proclaimes he is taking over the city. They proceed to bluff the paladin into thinking the elves are evil the prisoners are good and they take over the city. Just after killimg off all the elves they proceed to help a bunch of halflings to kill off the other prisoners and they set themselves up as rulers of the town.

[Count Nebula]

Hello. Been browsing both threads for a while now and decided to register to share my favourite RP moment.

Spoiler: The Leap

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Think this was about two years ago, in the first game I'd ever GM'd. Was a 3.5 evil campaign that, sadly, didn't last long due to the party leader vanishing (just a few sessions after he'd been given all the relevant plot info to lead the party in the main quest) and the rest of the players wandering off to do side-quests. The 3rd-4th level cast was as follows:

- Grant: A half-orc LE Monk, mainly made as a joke character.
- JP: A CE human sorcerer that had been marked as a child by a demon and was sworn to its will. Also slightly mad.
- Faisal: A CE halfling Rogue who wanted to set up his own evil Thieves Guild.
- Jack: A NE Changeling, and party leader.

So, the party was being contracted by an Illithid masquerading as a successful businessman in a densely-populated city to join with a merc company he had hired to break into a nobleman's heavily-fortified mansion by force, kill everyone inside and retrieve a magical artefact for it. Initially, everything was going fine; the merc company and the party had formed up outside the fortified manse and the mercs were preparing Fireball spells to take down a massive wooden gate barring passage in. That's when Grant and Faisal got a... well, strange idea into their heads:

Me: Alright, so while the merc's are making preparations to attack, what do you guys want to do?
Faisal: Hmm... how high is the gate again?
Me: It's 30 ft tall, and just as wide.
Faisal: Do you think we could climb it?
Me: Sure, if you don't have any problem with archers taking pot-shots at you the whole time.
Grant: Well, what about jumping over it? I'm a Monk, right? I can do stuff like that.
Me: You... uhh. What? You want to jump a 30 ft gate?
Grant: Nope. I have a better idea.

Upon that, he reminded me that he had a bridle in his inventory that he had purchased with his start-up gold, for reasons to date I still can't fathom (although the idea of him planning something like this all along wouldn't surprise me). Then, telling Faisal to put it on him and ride him as the lightest character in the party, Grant explained his plan to leap over the gate as an impromptu mount for Faisal. Both of them got so excited by this prospect, they decided to do it immediately, apparently forgetting a little something that I had mentioned above. Namely, that "mercs were preparing Fireball spells to take down a massive wooden gate barring passage in". After trying to repeatedly and subtly remind them of this to no avail, Faisal saddled up on Grant and charged at the gate when I also informed them that the mercs had just finished preparations and launched the fireballs. Giving them one last chance to give up on this folly... they did it anyway.

Me: You do realize that, if you don't manage this, you're both dead. Right?
Grant: Err... wait. How much damage does Fireball do again?
Me: *checks notes* Well... these specific fireballs will do 4d6 damage. So on average, I'd say about 12 damage each.
Faisal: Well, that's not so bad. We can probably tank it.
Grant: Wait, 'fireballs'? 'Each'?
Me: Yes. Five, to be precise. You two are stuck between a 30 ft wooden gate you're charging at and the 5 fireballs hurtling towards it.

At long last, it seemed the reality of the situation had finally sunk in, and I sure as hell wasn't about to let them out of it after I'd given them so many opportunities to do so already. They wanted to leap a 30 ft gate in one try or die a fiery death? Let's see them do it. To make it sporting, I told Grant the number he rolled on his d20 was how many feet he cleared.

Grant rolls a Jump check. Nat 20.
Even on a nat 20, he couldn't make that jump with a skill of 6, so I'd told him he could roll another dice and add that to his result.
Another nat 20.
Slightly flabbergasted, I tell Faisal to roll a Ride check. He's untrained (making the whole situation even more ridiculous) but hey, he might get a lucky roll.
Another nat 20.

I was in disbelief. Not only had Grant AND Faisal both cleared the fence, but Grant had done it with another 16 feet on top of that. Both attackers and defenders looked on in amazement as a huge green humanoid in a robe hurtled himself over a gate the size of a house with a halfling clinging to his back... and kept going higher even as the gate exploded into flames behind him.

They should have died from the fall damage, but I didn't have the heart. It was just too, too epic. Instead, after the battle had died down, when attackers had secured victory and the party was busy looting the mansion... they stumbled upon a masterpiece portrait I'd had a friend of mine draw to commemorate the moment.

Faisal, the Rogue, tried to Appraise it. Rolled a nat 1, thought it looked like a piece of crap, so he tore the painting off and wore it as a cloak.

Got other stories about as good as that one, but since it's the only one I have with an image accompaniment, I thought I'd put it out there.

[Dimers]

The picture really makes it work, Count Nebula.

[madtinker]

DM: you see a group of ogres, with their chief.
Me:Charge!

Me: wait. How many ogres?

[Valvert]

So, in a humorous game that occurred early in my High School D&D career:
I, a bard, had climbed a tree and was attempting to set it on fire while the rest of the party tried to actually progress in the quest. I had very little success. Then...
Me: I give the DM a wedgie *rolls strength check*
DM: You fail and are struck by lightning.
Me: Ooh, did the tree catch on fire?
Evidently, it didn't. Angered by my efforts, the resident druid attempted to shoot me, but shot short. I asked the rest of the party to give me some kindling. The nearby rogue reached down, picked up the arrow, and jokingly tossed it "at her boob." He rolls a twenty, and nails my bard in the boob. We all exclaimed over this excitedly, until our supervisor came over and demanded to know why we were all screaming over boobs. After we had pacified him by promising to only use "chest" from then on, it was time for revenge.
Me: I jump from the tree and cleave at him.
I do a jump check, and roll high enough to land on him. Then I roll for my attack, and get a perfect twenty. Combined with the momentum of my jump, I end up doing some serious critical damage. I decided to be nice and just cut off his ear.
In the end, the rest of the party ended up casting Sleep on us do we could actually pass the night and continue the quest.

[RPGaddict28]

The only two important characters are Nu, the wizard(me), and Jasper, our bard.

We went to a bar owned by an ettin, filled with other "uglies." We needed to get blueprints of an airship he stole from him. The rogues and I were sneaking around in the ettin's room, while the bard and the beefy guys were drinking and talking at the bar. Eventually the ettin came out, and the bard started talking to him. The bartender eventually tells Jasper that the ettin had a bad encounter with a women, and has been depressed ever since.

Eventually, the ettin tells him exactly whats wrong, and decided to show him as well. That's when I hear a scream, which I could tell was Jasper's, and I ran out. Bye the time we got to the bar, we got to the bar, we saw Jasper vomiting, while reaching for some heavy liquor, while the ettin was pulling up his pants.

Turns out, the ettin had his manly bits stolen by a witch.

And I just remembered, this happened earlier at the bar. The only new important character is Phillius, one of our 3 rogues.

When we first got in, we all moved around the bar, as to look less suspicious when we went to the house part of the tavern. Phillius and I decided to go to a pool table, where an orc was hanging. Phillius challenged him to a pool contest, and I cheated using Mage Hands to make sure Phillius won us the 45 GP he betted. Then, we decided to challenge him to a trick shot contest, for all his money, and since he couldn't meet our bet, his clothes.

He puts a GP in the middle of the table, and ball near two pockets across from each other. He tells Phillius to put his hands on both balls, and he's gonna sink both the balls, with one shot. We quickly realize the trick was to have the ball bounce on the GP and nail Phillius in his dangly-doos. He hits the ball, and would be right on target, if Phillius didn't pass his reflex save. It's now our turn, and we set up the same trick shot, but this time, I Mage Handed the pool ball into his balls as fast as I could. We won all his money, and his clothes. Then another rogue decided to poison him, causing him to rage, and almost knocked our ranger out with a chair.

Looking back on it, that was an amazing session.

[DontEatRawHagis]

A little background first. We are playing a campaign based on the TV show Falling Skies. Our GM has taken liberties with the storyline. In essence we know that the aliens who are conquering the planet are trying to setup a foothold on the planet in order to defeat another race of aliens.

My character's name is Sarge. In fact his initials spell out Sgt so he decided everyone should call him Sarge. Another quick fact he is an escaped mental patient. Last fact the party doesn't know this and thinks he is an actual soldier.

I have so far:

• Talked for 10 minutes straight at gun point as my companions decided to take 10 to setup an ambush on the guys who had me hostage.
• Found out key piece of storyline intel from an enemy NPC and told my fellow players I divined the information from the entrails of the aliens.

Our last session is Sunday and I can't wait to see if they figure this out yet. Because they gave my character something really important to do. And they blindly trust him.