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  1. - Top - End - #31
    Orc in the Playground
     
    newBlazingAngel's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    That's...brilliant. In a horrible, glass in the unmentionables kind of way.
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    No I did not make my own banner, it was created by a very talented person who I've lost contact with.

    I just started playing D&D, and love the game

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    First level paladin.
    STR:14
    DEX: 8
    CON: 10
    INT:13
    WIS: 12
    CHA: 16

  2. - Top - End - #32
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Keylac's Avatar

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    You probably had to be there for this one, but here goes.

    I was just remembering my first campaign. It was a homebrewed world, with homebrewed classes, and I played a Musketeer: Flintlock Pistols, Muskets, and simple grenades. Me and the rogue liked to say we were very different: His priorities were money and fame, mine were fame and money.

    At one point, we found a magically locked and shielded box, without the key we needed to open it. I took it down to the local enchanters guild (no other way to identify how to open it) and they told me it would cost 2,000 gold. I said all right, and handed over all my money to pay for it. The next day, I'm busy, so the cleric goes to pick it up. At which point she goes into the head enchanters office, who hands her the box and says:

    "This is what we figured out. It's a magical box, that's both shielded and locked, and will require the key to open it. We can make that key for you for another 1,000 gold."

    Upon my returning to the game room (I'd been outside talking to a smoker while she did this), she informed my character what they'd found out. This resulted in what they call "Key's First Rant," a deluge of sarcastic comments about identification, enchanters, boxes, and DM's that think they have a sense of humor. I went on for a good 15 minutes, in and out of character, about how I'm so glad I shelled out all my money to find out it's a box. Favorite quote by those present was, "It's a shame I didn't have a few extra hundred to give him. I could have found out it's a rectangle too!"

    At the end of the rant they had to physically restrain my character from going and blowing up the enchanters hall. For the rest of the game, they refused to allow me to go there alone, and always did the talking, while I sat in the background, glaring, and muttering.

    - Key

  3. - Top - End - #33
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Craft (Cheese)'s Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by newBlazingAngel View Post
    That's...brilliant. In a horrible, glass in the unmentionables kind of way.
    This is almost the exact plot of an actual porno I saw once, except instead of just one wizard she kills a group of about 8 enemies at once this way (the poison took a few hours before the effects started or something).

  4. - Top - End - #34
    Orc in the Playground
     
    newBlazingAngel's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    That sounds like the plot of a horror movie disguised as a porno. I'm afraid to ask for the name...
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    No I did not make my own banner, it was created by a very talented person who I've lost contact with.

    I just started playing D&D, and love the game

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    First level paladin.
    STR:14
    DEX: 8
    CON: 10
    INT:13
    WIS: 12
    CHA: 16

  5. - Top - End - #35
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Craft (Cheese)'s Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by newBlazingAngel View Post
    That sounds like the plot of a horror movie disguised as a porno. I'm afraid to ask for the name...
    Except for the ending it was actually pretty standard stuff.

  6. - Top - End - #36
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    DwarfFighterGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Flame of Anor View Post
    That is awesome. Make sure both that he takes a lot of their stuff with him (so they're all infuriated) and that they get some clue about how it happened (so they're not too infuriated), and this could be a perfectly wonderful trick.
    Then make him BBEG of your campaign.

  7. - Top - End - #37
    Orc in the Playground
     
    newBlazingAngel's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Craft (Cheese) View Post
    Except for the ending it was actually pretty standard stuff.
    Okay...Now I feel like a perv asking for a name...What's it called?
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    No I did not make my own banner, it was created by a very talented person who I've lost contact with.

    I just started playing D&D, and love the game

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    First level paladin.
    STR:14
    DEX: 8
    CON: 10
    INT:13
    WIS: 12
    CHA: 16

  8. - Top - End - #38
    Orc in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Craft (Cheese) View Post
    This is almost the exact plot of an actual porno I saw once, except instead of just one wizard she kills a group of about 8 enemies at once this way (the poison took a few hours before the effects started or something).
    Dare I ask if it is an Anime called La Blue Girl?
    If there is anything I learned from D&D, it is to never bull rush a Gelatenous Cube.

    Project Loreshift, game development in Progress

    Races of Wake

    Wake Human subspecies

    Anyone who reads this has just lost "the Game".

  9. - Top - End - #39
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Prince Zahn's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Oookay, let's try going back on topic:
    Here's an old story of my group, hope you fellas like it too!
    ----------------------
    Cast:
    -Wizard/fighter, musclemage thing.(will be referred to in first person pronouns)
    -Elf bard would-be battlebard(aka "Bard")
    -DM who wasn't aware of the research and consequences involving the "all splatbooks allowed" ruling.(aka "DM")

    Story:
    The party signed up to an arena match, 6 of us vs. 2 other groups of six in flat out combat to knockout in whatever means necessary, but with one exception:
    -In the center of the arena hung by adamantine chains a large pool of molten lava with a sarcophagus resting upon it's center platform. A sword rests upon the coffin, bringing an optional, automatic victory to the first team who can attain it.

    When we heard the Judge explain the rules, the bard whispered and elaborated in my ear "I have...a plan..."

    The two teams were advancing center field, bloodlust in their eyes. The bard won the initiative over me, so he began taking a sly, stylish stroll forward, The DM wasn't suspecting a thing yet. I cast protection from energy on my familiar, then took off my helmet to "wipe my brow" and my toad familiar jumped in, as it likes to, I then handed the helmet to the Bard.

    Bard: I hold the helmet high up to block my view of the hanging platform, and I cast Catapult.
    DM(with a shellshocked, yet almost blank expression on his face:) You. Do. What!?
    *1 brief rules explanation later, the DM didn't know how to handle this*
    DM:okay, roll ranged attack to see how you aim.
    *one die roll later, the Bard smiles and just points towards his D20, inviting everyone to come look at his natural 20.*

    After we all burst out laughing, the next thing anyone knew a toad was rocketing towards the molten rock pool at about 80-110 Km/h in a helm that was spinning faster than a water-wheel caught in a whirlpool.

    the helm lands perfectly atop the sarcophagus, almost magically.
    My turn was soon afterwards, and the Toad coughed up a wand of Animate Weapon(don't thank me, thank Hoard Gullet!), and cast it on the sword.

    The plan was almost successful.
    But before he could ride the sword and fly down Aladdin-style, the mummy of the sarcophagus popped it's hand out and grabbed the sword by the hilt(and strangling my poor toad.)
    Even though we ended up fighting the mummy, I was fortunate enough for my toad to succeed an escape artist check.

    To this day I haven't the slightest clue whether the DM did that to fight the splatbook ambush, or if he prepared the mummy in advance.
    He claims the latter, but I don't reeeaalllly know.
    Prince Zahn - gamer; friend; royalty. 'Tis a pleasure.

    AKA: Silvius Peak in Magestalt (OOC)


    I am on and watching these forums even when it appears I'm gone.
    I will protect you, laugh with you and lift you up from despair(and in style!),
    sure as the spirit of Vamber - the most flamboyant halfling who never was - lies within me.

    Many thanks to Ceika for my Vamber Avatar!

    Quote Originally Posted by Arcanist View Post
    I trust you mister DM! I just don't trust your NPC's!

  10. - Top - End - #40
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Doorhandle's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by newBlazingAngel View Post
    That's...brilliant. In a horrible, glass in the unmentionables kind of way.
    Pretty much. Honestly, it's a shame that most of the ways to abuse poison immunity are underused: Such as making demon/devil beer (that should also crackle with fire/lightning) as an undead skin lotion (to keep rotting necrotic flesh silky-smooth and instantly fatal) or as part of a healing potion (for paladin use ONLY), not to mention using fly agaric or raw puffer-fish in cooking...

    To this day I haven't the slightest clue whether the DM did that to fight the splatbook ambush, or if he prepared the mummy in advance.
    He claims the latter, but I don't reeeaalllly know.
    Eh, considering the spaltbooks and the D.M's possible responses, you both got off easy.
    Have a deviantart!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Craft (Cheese) View Post
    "In his free time, he gates in Balors just so he can kill and eat them later!"

  11. - Top - End - #41
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    BRC's Avatar

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    I'm currently in a 1920's campaign that's had some good moments.

    Me (A Mobster, homebrew class) and another player (Playing my cousin, a Beguiler) are approached by a shady watch salesman. Using a combination of Diplomacy and Sleight of hand we manage to sell him back his own watches.


    One of my class features is called "Friends in the Neighborhood", it allows me to summon thugs (Lower level Mobsters). I decided that my thugs are a gang of Warforged Mobsters named Sullivan (In this setting Warforged were made for WWI, and were named after the human commander of their company, in this case Sullivan's Sappers.)

    Well we were inside a mansion fighting a sword wielding bodyguard with an insane AC. I had just gotten that class feature, and decided to try it out.
    Me: Hey DM, can I summon Goons when I'm not on the street.
    DM: I guess so, how would they get in the building?
    Me: Is there a window in this room?

    The end result, my character whistled, a rope came through the window, and two trenchoat-wearing robots ziplined in and started throwing molotovs at the bodyguard.

    It then became a running joke that the Sullivans could show up anywhere. They ziplined into a demiplane (Accessed via a portal disguised as a painting, Mario 64 style). They got teleported into a cave (We had a professor or extraspacial magic who had teleported us there in the first place, so that kind of makes sense), and dropped in through the windows of a moving train to help me sweep the dining car with tommy guns (It was full of zombies!).
    Other great moments include our standard method of stealth. My pockets are bags of holding, and a special class feature lets me draw items from extradimensional spaces as a free action. Whenever we need to sneak into someplace all thenon-stealthy characters hide in my pockets.

    One of these characters is a Minotaur Soulknife (Nicknamed "Beef").
    There have been several occasions where my halfling has reached into his pockets, and quickdrawed an 8-ft Psychic minotaur.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dsurion View Post
    I don't know if you've noticed, but pretty much everything BRC posts is full of awesome.
    Quote Originally Posted by chiasaur11 View Post
    So, Astronaut, War Hero, or hideous Mantis Man, hop to it! The future of humanity is in your capable hands and or terrifying organic scythes.
    My Homebrew:Synchronized Swordsmen,Dual Daggers,The Doctor,The Preacher,The Brawler

  12. - Top - End - #42
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    RedWizardGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by BRC View Post
    I'm currently in a 1920's campaign that's had some good moments.

    One of these characters is a Minotaur Soulknife (Nicknamed "Beef").
    There have been several occasions where my halfling has reached into his pockets, and quickdrawed an 8-ft Psychic minotaur.
    That made me laugh so hard, just thinking about a 4 foot halfling pulling out a minitaur twice its size. That must add a lot to intimidate checks. I'd be really scared of what else he has in his pockets. " Oh, the psychic minotaur? He's the least of the things I have in my pockets" *enemies then pee their pants*.
    "And you don't even want to know what I have in my sleeves."
    Last edited by Curtis6566; 2012-07-13 at 06:44 PM.
    GENERATION 19: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig and add 1 to the generation. This is a social experiment


  13. - Top - End - #43
    Troll in the Playground
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    Quote Originally Posted by Curtis6566 View Post
    That made me laugh so hard, just thinking about a 4 foot halfling pulling out a minitaur twice its size. That must add a lot to intimidate checks. I'd be really scared of what else he has in his pockets. " Oh, the psychic minotaur? He's the least of the things I have in my pockets" *enemies then pee their pants*.
    "And you don't even want to know what I have in my sleeves."
    Quoted for truth.....
    Any chance you can put up a link to that class?
    My Homebrew Sig.

    Woo, I have a Quote.
    Quote Originally Posted by Moonwolf727 View Post
    To avoid harming the sanity of the DM I can no longer:

    * Cast flesh to stone on a annoying Druid
    ** Cast Rock to mud on a Druid statue
    *** Scoop mud into little ceramic pots
    **** Plant tree's in individual ceramic pots
    ***** Claim that I have helped them become one with nature
    Quote Originally Posted by Chilingsworth View Post
    Congrats, you made me laugh hard enough to draw my family's attention.

  14. - Top - End - #44
    Troll in the Playground
     
    Flame of Anor's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by Curtis6566 View Post
    That made me laugh so hard, just thinking about a 4 foot halfling pulling out a minitaur twice its size. That must add a lot to intimidate checks. I'd be really scared of what else he has in his pockets. " Oh, the psychic minotaur? He's the least of the things I have in my pockets" *enemies then pee their pants*.
    "And you don't even want to know what I have in my sleeves."
    That would be even funnier if the halfling were a commoner and had that "Chicken-Infested" flaw where whenever you try to draw something you have a 50% chance of getting a chicken instead.
    R.I.P.

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    It ain't not over 'til the Rich Baker bellows.
    avatar by me. Extended sig here.

  15. - Top - End - #45
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    NecromancerGuy

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    I have a couple:

    1: there was a bard in the group I DM who did not exactly... fit in. Well the rest of the group (usually) makes reasonable and tactical decisions, the bard decided that he meant every bit of the CN written on his character sheet. Things he has done include:
    Spoiler
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    a) Me: There are two men with crossbows behind an overturned table at the end of the hallway. You can just see a large room behind them.
    Paladin: (to bard) see if you can get past them to the room.
    Bard: Sure.
    The bard is wearing the robes of a sorc they killed earlier. Over his armor. Still he bluffs his way up the two men.
    Guard: (rolls 20 on perception) Your robes seem ill-fitting.
    Bard: I just finished eating the intruders.

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    In the previously mentioned room:
    Me: the balcony is maybe 15 feet off the ground. There are stairs leading down at the end of the balcony.
    Bard: I jump off the balcony.

    Spoiler
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    Much later, they are attacking an enemy camp. They spot a concealed pit by the camp's perimeter, and trip one of the guards into it. They ignore him, figuring they can deal with him later. And engage the rest of the camp.
    Me: Alright, your turn.
    Bard: How deep is the pit again?
    Me: 30 ft.
    Bard: alright. I jump into it, trying to land on the guy.
    Whole table: *stunned silence*
    Me: *sigh* Roll.
    We get back to the bard's turn.
    Bard: I try to climb up the side of the pit.
    Paladin: GOOD.
    Bard: So I can jump on him again (rolls reasonably well on climb).
    Me: you climb up five feet.
    Bard: *cast damaging spell*
    Next round, the bard doesn't roll quite as well, and only climbs four feet.
    Me: If you jump from here, you won't quite damage the guy.
    Bard: Fine. I try to tunnel through the sand (they are in a desert).
    Everyone: WHAT?
    Suffice to say, the bard's player now has a rogue.


    In a one off session I played in, we were all level one, and shenanigans ensued:
    1) Explaining to the villain that the kingdom we just invented first imports wheat then exports it.
    2) Try to convince the villain that the same kingdom's religious ceremonies involve push ornate-yet-mass produced boxes into volcanoes.
    3) Hitting on the deceased villain's wife.
    4) poking air holes in the Tarrasque's prison.


    78% of all DM's start their first campaign in a tavern. If you're among the 22% who didn't, copy and paste this into your signature and tell us where you DID begin.

    The party wakes up underground, in a massive library, with no clue where they are or how they got there.

  16. - Top - End - #46
    Orc in the Playground
     
    newBlazingAngel's Avatar

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    Since I'm on summer break, I've got a few friends who I don't know outside of school. I will share their reactions to my presenting the star wars roleplaying game.
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    No I did not make my own banner, it was created by a very talented person who I've lost contact with.

    I just started playing D&D, and love the game

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    First level paladin.
    STR:14
    DEX: 8
    CON: 10
    INT:13
    WIS: 12
    CHA: 16

  17. - Top - End - #47
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Doorhandle's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by TheRedWidow View Post
    I have a couple:

    1: there was a bard in the group I DM who did not exactly... fit in. Well the rest of the group (usually) makes reasonable and tactical decisions, the bard decided that he meant every bit of the CN written on his character sheet. Things he has done include:
    Spoiler
    Show
    a) Me: There are two men with crossbows behind an overturned table at the end of the hallway. You can just see a large room behind them.
    Paladin: (to bard) see if you can get past them to the room.
    Bard: Sure.
    The bard is wearing the robes of a sorc they killed earlier. Over his armor. Still he bluffs his way up the two men.
    Guard: (rolls 20 on perception) Your robes seem ill-fitting.
    Bard: I just finished eating the intruders.

    Spoiler
    Show

    In the previously mentioned room:
    Me: the balcony is maybe 15 feet off the ground. There are stairs leading down at the end of the balcony.
    Bard: I jump off the balcony.

    Spoiler
    Show

    Much later, they are attacking an enemy camp. They spot a concealed pit by the camp's perimeter, and trip one of the guards into it. They ignore him, figuring they can deal with him later. And engage the rest of the camp.
    Me: Alright, your turn.
    Bard: How deep is the pit again?
    Me: 30 ft.
    Bard: alright. I jump into it, trying to land on the guy.
    Whole table: *stunned silence*
    Me: *sigh* Roll.
    We get back to the bard's turn.
    Bard: I try to climb up the side of the pit.
    Paladin: GOOD.
    Bard: So I can jump on him again (rolls reasonably well on climb).
    Me: you climb up five feet.
    Bard: *cast damaging spell*
    Next round, the bard doesn't roll quite as well, and only climbs four feet.
    Me: If you jump from here, you won't quite damage the guy.
    Bard: Fine. I try to tunnel through the sand (they are in a desert).
    Everyone: WHAT?
    Suffice to say, the bard's player now has a rogue.


    In a one off session I played in, we were all level one, and shenanigans ensued:
    1) Explaining to the villain that the kingdom we just invented first imports wheat then exports it.
    2) Try to convince the villain that the same kingdom's religious ceremonies involve push ornate-yet-mass produced boxes into volcanoes.
    3) Hitting on the deceased villain's wife.
    4) poking air holes in the Tarrasque's prison.

    Y'know, while it would slow the influx of hilarious stories, I still think that RPG rulebooks should stress that just because you CAN do everything in an RPG game, doesn't mean it's a good idea.
    Have a deviantart!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Craft (Cheese) View Post
    "In his free time, he gates in Balors just so he can kill and eat them later!"

  18. - Top - End - #48
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    BRC's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Erik Vale View Post
    Quoted for truth.....
    Any chance you can put up a link to that class?
    It's my DM's Homebrew. But other things I have quickdrawed out of my magic pockets include

    a Giant Spider (Our Synthesist Summoner)
    A Samurai
    Bombs
    A Wide variety of guns
    A Warforged Detective.
    An Angry Scotsman on a talking motorcycle.
    Several corpses.
    Last edited by BRC; 2012-07-15 at 05:18 PM.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dsurion View Post
    I don't know if you've noticed, but pretty much everything BRC posts is full of awesome.
    Quote Originally Posted by chiasaur11 View Post
    So, Astronaut, War Hero, or hideous Mantis Man, hop to it! The future of humanity is in your capable hands and or terrifying organic scythes.
    My Homebrew:Synchronized Swordsmen,Dual Daggers,The Doctor,The Preacher,The Brawler

  19. - Top - End - #49
    Pixie in the Playground
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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Well about a week ago I was testing some home brew rules with a friend which was nice since I had been working on it for like a year without testing, but anyway.

    The main character was named John Delour

    He had been taken as a slave and was being used as an attraction to show the effectiveness of the other slaves in battle. EXCEPT he was doing well (managing to kill their champion in his first fight). When he is put in a team death match his "team" attempts to flee when Rambo guard shoots one in the back with lethal precision and brutally over-kills him (he had exactly 1 HP left after the battle).

    At this point John offers to kill the escapees. Since I was not really being serious I said "sure", and thus the poor fools never stood a chance. It was after the battle that I told him they planned to spring him from his cell later that evening.

    However the guards were so impressed with his effectiveness they offered him a job as long as he killed one of the guards who lost his nerve watching John brutalize his competition.
    Last edited by Shinkirou; 2012-07-15 at 07:08 PM.

  20. - Top - End - #50
    Orc in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    We were in the middle of leaving Dunford shen we were attacked by a small dragon. After our summoner tries to charm it, and fails, our wizard electrocutes it and it tries to fell. As it flees, I, the alchemist, toss an explosive bomb at it and it catches fire. After that, the summoner baleful polymorphs it into a chicken. It promptly dies as it descends while burning to death.

    Wizard: Wan we figure out what it was?
    DM: to do that, you would have to examine it in its original form.
    Summoner (to me): why don't you toss one of your dispel bombs at it?
    Me: I can't.
    Summoner: Why not?
    Me: Because I'm in the middle of eating it.
    Summoner: What?
    Me: I's breakfast,
    Wizard: does that mean he radiates magic now?
    DM: No, but a few days later his waste will.

    It was funny at the time.
    If there is anything I learned from D&D, it is to never bull rush a Gelatenous Cube.

    Project Loreshift, game development in Progress

    Races of Wake

    Wake Human subspecies

    Anyone who reads this has just lost "the Game".

  21. - Top - End - #51
    Troll in the Playground
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    wink Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Still is.....

    Now that is one way to avoid paying for rations.
    My Homebrew Sig.

    Woo, I have a Quote.
    Quote Originally Posted by Moonwolf727 View Post
    To avoid harming the sanity of the DM I can no longer:

    * Cast flesh to stone on a annoying Druid
    ** Cast Rock to mud on a Druid statue
    *** Scoop mud into little ceramic pots
    **** Plant tree's in individual ceramic pots
    ***** Claim that I have helped them become one with nature
    Quote Originally Posted by Chilingsworth View Post
    Congrats, you made me laugh hard enough to draw my family's attention.

  22. - Top - End - #52
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Hipho's Avatar

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    Ok so here's a bit of backstory first. I'm a human fighter who worships a homebrew lawful good sun god. The party cleric is a dwarf worshipper of the dwarven god of partying.

    During a battle I get knocked into the negatives and I bleed down to -9 before the cleric gets a chance to heal me. I get up and look around with wonder and say "I was laying in a field, and I felt the sun warming me and I saw the sun getting closer to me. And right when it was about to touch me....." and then the cleric butts in with..... "and then someone poured a mug of ale on your face and told you 'get up you idiot the bars closing in five minutes' "

    Had the whole group laughing.
    Quote Originally Posted by C'nor View Post

    "Then next time, don't build your block house in his territory, dear. Now please stop trying to mindcontrol the daughter of someone who could lock us both inside our own heads for the next million years or so, alright?"
    Yohalles, the Wanderer
    Lonel, Gentleman Luck
    Jongo, God of Sea-Life

    Thankyou Raven for the brain-bleach worthy avatar.

  23. - Top - End - #53
    Troll in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    I do have a couple of moments myself, let's see...

    Spoiler
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    I was playing a dwarf ranger in a campaign, I had just arrived in town and promptly knocked out the jerk trying to convice a serving girl to go upstairs with him. The next morning, I was at my table eating breakfast. I had just taken a huge swig of ale when the following exchange happens:

    DM: You feel a tap on your shoulder.
    Me(irl): *massive belch while turning to look back at DM*
    DM: You get punched in the face.


    Spoiler
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    This one is Star Wars
    Setup: The four other players and myself are called in to prevent the assassination of the Supreme Chancellor. We are at an automated traffic control center on the day of the Chancellor's speech, when a group of terrorists come in to take over the facility. A fight ensues, and we manag to take one of them captive.

    Me: Can we go? We need to go.
    Jedi: We can't just leave him here.
    Me: It isn't my fault noone brought binders.
    Soldier: Just keep stunning him.
    Jedi: That is inhumane. I will not allow it.
    DM: Lentrax, you see the Chancellor's speech beginning on a nearby viewscreen.
    Me: We have to leave now!
    Jedi: Not until we figure out what to do with him.
    *Three minutes of arguing later*
    Me(OOC to the DM): I pul out my blaster and shoot him in the face.
    Everyone just stopped, and looked at me like I was insane.
    Me: Can we go now?
    Due to Unforeseen Circumstances, I am on an erratic schedule.

    I will resume posting within a couple of days and will be trying to get some things moving again.

  24. - Top - End - #54
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    Dread Angel's Avatar

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    The cast:
    Ragnar Skegg, the greatsword-wielding fighter. Catchphrase: "I like swords!"
    Reginald Sparrow, sardonic bard.
    Valdyr, a needlessly complex werewolf/rogue/oracle/swashbuckler/sorceror played by an exceptionally petulant player.

    So we have two very classic character types, and one very, very weird one. As well as a cleric NPC named Vasil, but he's not hugely important here. I have a few amusing moments to share from their campaign, which was the AP Curse of the Crimson Throne. As such, I have spoilered them.

    Brevity.
    Spoiler
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    The PCs are in the storefront of a charity food kitchen, this group that gives free meat to the poor of the city. They were looking for a deserter from the guard. They had convinced the other deserters who were running the place to shut the doors and let them "discuss business", as the lead deserter's underlings were running various illegal operations without his knowledge. The PCs were, however, unclear as to what exactly they were asking for, and so when the guards asked them who they needed dealt with, they kind of looked at each other. Through use of Sense Motive and Bluff, Reginald and Valdyr were trying to agree on something to say without actually speaking. Ragnar, seeing them looking at each other, decided to make things easy. He drew his sword and attacked in one smooth motion...scoring max damage crits on both guards. He decapitated both with one awesome swing. (Fluff, it was actually Cleave.)


    Maybe a little TOO direct.
    Spoiler
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    Very early in the campaign the PCs found a brooch that had been lost by the (newly widowed) Queen. There was a reward for that, and the four of them headed for the palace. Ragnar elected to stay outside whent he guards requested they leave their weapons, and Vasil stayed with him while Valdyr and Reggie went in to collect the reward. As they approach the Crimson Throne, the Queen gives them a big speech about how this is a welcome reason to smile in this dark time, blah blah. One of the rumours is that she murdered her husband. (This happens to be true, but yeah.) After the Queen presents them with their reward, Reggie pipes up with "I have one question. Did you murder your husband?" The Queen's bodyguard steps up as the Queen reacts in outrage. "Silence, bard! How dare you speak to the Queen like that?!" The idiot bard continues "Aha! You DID kill him! I knew it!" Ragnar didn't even question it when Sabine, the bodyguard, carries the bard out herself (unconscious) and hurls him to the ground. Valdyr was sniggering the whole time.


    The new girl.
    Spoiler
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    After many impressive battles, Reggie Sparrow met with death at the hands of a Beatific One. Rather than having him resurrected, my girlfriend (the player) brings in a character she created, a fighter2/sorc6/eldritch knight 2. As the remaining PCs are recovering from escaping Korvosa and preparing for their journey into the Cinderlands, Siva (the new char) approached them and offered to join them as a translator, guide and added blade. The others talked it over and agreed, but Valdyr (in typical fashion) wanted to test her. She agrees to face Valdyr in single combat. He takes note of her martial stance and the rapier on her hip, and he draws his own rapier. They fence back and forth a few rounds, then Siva lunges and disarms Valdyr with a fantastic maneuver. He responds by shifting to his hybrid form. While he's mid-shift, Sive steps back and whips a fireball and rolls nearly max damage. Knocks him fully flat. Needless to say, she was heartily accepted into the group by Ragnar and the NPC.


    Of course, Valdyr's player immediately launches into a massive rant about how there's no way a character at this level could legit use powerful spells and still be so good in combat and it's total favoritism letting my girlfriend have such a powerful character....nevermind I allowed him to play a natural werewolf.

    I still have Siva's character sheet somewhere. It's really simple, nothing even remotely complicated on there. He was just a seriously sore loser.
    My GamerTag: OutOfLine Lead
    Add me :D
    Avatar by Me! I take requests!

  25. - Top - End - #55
    Troll in the Playground
     
    Flame of Anor's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by Dread Angel View Post
    He decapitated both with one awesome swing. (Fluff, it was actually Cleave.)
    Well, you know, that is the canon fluff for Cleave.
    R.I.P.

    Quote Originally Posted by WampaX View Post
    It ain't not over 'til the Rich Baker bellows.
    avatar by me. Extended sig here.

  26. - Top - End - #56
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
    DracoDei's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by TheRedWidow View Post
    I have a couple:

    1: there was a bard in the group I DM who did not exactly... fit in. Well the rest of the group (usually) makes reasonable and tactical decisions, the bard decided that he meant every bit of the CN written on his character sheet. Things he has done include:
    Spoiler
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    a) Me: There are two men with crossbows behind an overturned table at the end of the hallway. You can just see a large room behind them.
    Paladin: (to bard) see if you can get past them to the room.
    Bard: Sure.
    The bard is wearing the robes of a sorc they killed earlier. Over his armor. Still he bluffs his way up the two men.
    Guard: (rolls 20 on perception) Your robes seem ill-fitting.
    Bard: I just finished eating the intruders.
    See, I would give him a huge minus to his bluff checks, but succeed or fail they would still have to roll a will save to avoid being dazed for a round from either horror (if the bluff check succeeded) or shear confusion (if the bluff check failed).
    Quote Originally Posted by TheRedWidow View Post
    Spoiler
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    In the previously mentioned room:
    Me: the balcony is maybe 15 feet off the ground. There are stairs leading down at the end of the balcony.
    Bard: I jump off the balcony.

    Spoiler
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    Much later, they are attacking an enemy camp. They spot a concealed pit by the camp's perimeter, and trip one of the guards into it. They ignore him, figuring they can deal with him later. And engage the rest of the camp.
    Me: Alright, your turn.
    Bard: How deep is the pit again?
    Me: 30 ft.
    Bard: alright. I jump into it, trying to land on the guy.
    Whole table: *stunned silence*
    Me: *sigh* Roll.
    We get back to the bard's turn.
    Bard: I try to climb up the side of the pit.
    Paladin: GOOD.
    Bard: So I can jump on him again (rolls reasonably well on climb).
    Me: you climb up five feet.
    Bard: *cast damaging spell*
    Next round, the bard doesn't roll quite as well, and only climbs four feet.
    Me: If you jump from here, you won't quite damage the guy.
    Bard: Fine. I try to tunnel through the sand (they are in a desert).
    Everyone: WHAT?
    Suffice to say, the bard's player now has a rogue.
    If he misses such antics you might point him in the direction of Swordsage with a Falling Anvil focus (see my signature). It could allow him to indulge his roleplaying preferences in a more... mechanically effective way.
    Quote Originally Posted by TheRedWidow View Post
    In a one off session I played in, we were all level one, and shenanigans ensued:
    1) Explaining to the villain that the kingdom we just invented first imports wheat then exports it.
    2) Try to convince the villain that the same kingdom's religious ceremonies involve push ornate-yet-mass produced boxes into volcanoes.
    3) Hitting on the deceased villain's wife.
    Well, depending on what their relationship was, I could totally see that. If they were abused or something and your Diplomacy check modifier is high enough to have a good chance to pull off such awesomeness? Totally turn that poor woman's life around in just a few days by showing her that chivalry (in every sense of the word) is not dead.
    Quote Originally Posted by TheRedWidow View Post
    4) poking air holes in the Tarrasque's prison.
    How did you manage to get ahold of the TOOLS to do #4 at level 1?
    Quote Originally Posted by BRC View Post
    It's my DM's Homebrew. But other things I have quickdrawed out of my magic pockets include

    a Giant Spider (Our Synthesist Summoner)
    A Samurai
    Bombs
    A Wide variety of guns
    A Warforged Detective.
    An Angry Scotsman on a talking motorcycle.
    Several corpses.
    Link to Synthesist?
    And the second to last one is the only one that is odd by my standards.
    Best homebrew:
    Grace-Gift - Truly Defensive base class, Falling Anvil Discipline - Loony Slapstick as Martial Art, Mepholk - Snuggly skunk-people. , Wing Dragon Masters of flight Comment HERE, Organ Undead Mega-Thread livers, skins, etc.
    Filk: 4000 Years(to live)
    Running: Ruceeglaelsktinag: "Justifiable Genocide", Contradiction in terms? IC OOC Active Map: None.
    For everything else see: Full list of Homebrew.
    My Homebrew is meant to be used, but, if you do, PLEASE tell me how it goes.

  27. - Top - End - #57
    Titan in the Playground
     
    BRC's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by DracoDei View Post
    Link to Synthesist?
    And the second to last one is the only one that is odd by my standards.

    The Synthesist


    Same Campaign
    We're shaking down leads at a racetrack. My character places a bet on the favorite horse (Steam Trolley)

    Meanwhile, the Samurai has wandered into the stables, and manages to get them to let him ride one of the horses (Flash Boots). He does really well on his rolls and wins the race.

    He later uses Flash Boots to chase down a really annoying Alchemist we were trying to find (I got paralyzed by that same alchemist and used as a projectile weapon by the Minotaur).

    Quote Originally Posted by Dsurion View Post
    I don't know if you've noticed, but pretty much everything BRC posts is full of awesome.
    Quote Originally Posted by chiasaur11 View Post
    So, Astronaut, War Hero, or hideous Mantis Man, hop to it! The future of humanity is in your capable hands and or terrifying organic scythes.
    My Homebrew:Synchronized Swordsmen,Dual Daggers,The Doctor,The Preacher,The Brawler

  28. - Top - End - #58
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    MidgetMarine's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    I'm presuming we're allowed to post other funny game stories in here. If not, I apologize in advance.

    In my latest Shadowrun 4e campaign, we've got a female elven face, a extraordinarily attractive one at that. And as well as being able to barter with Mr. Jhonson(s), the player didn't want to fall into the stereotypes of a face by being "great socially but rubbish in combat" or the "Can talk well, and shoot fine too." And so ranks were put into unarmed combat and the Specialization of (+2 Seduction) being purchased with some BP. Now, the results of this choice have come into play a few times but this was the best one.

    Trying to get into a mid-level corp scientist's private office, the characters don't want to get into a fire fight in the middle of the street with the armed guard in front of the office as there is a rather heavy Knight Errant presence in the area due to one of their previous run's consequences. So, after the group hacker has successfully set the security camera on the door to loop 10 seconds of footage of the guard just standing about, the face leaps into action. And by leaps, I mean walks up, dressed in a suit jacket, pants and blouse. (the blouse being buttoned down maybe slightly too low for normal social interaction) Approaching the guard the elf greets him. [As a note, I'm not including dice rolls but I can tell you that the elf wasn't doing too bad for herself, roll wise. the guard really didn't stand a chance.]

    Elf: Hello there, handsome.

    Guard: (slightly surprised and taken aback.) evening, Ma'am.

    Elf: I've been wondering something, and you look like the man to ask.

    Guard: Ask away.

    Elf: That crime scene a few blocks away, what happened?

    Guard: Some criminals had a grudge against an important go-ganger in the area. they took a rather direct approach.

    Elf: (feigning confusion) direct approach?

    Guard: they killed him.

    elf: *gasp* How terrible. Did you see it happen, you poor thing. (runs her hand down the guard cheek in fake sympathy.)

    Guard: Yes ma'am, I was.

    (This results in raucous laughter from the rest of the team, who are listening in, because the guard wasn't anywhere near the scene as far as they know. And it's quite evident that he's trying to impress the elf)

    Elf: Were you scared?

    Guard: No ma'am, people in my line of work have to learn that fear is a luxury that we don't have the time for.

    Elf: You're so brave.

    Guard: Thank you ma'am.

    Elf: While fear is out of the question, I'm sure you have time for other luxuries, don't you?

    (The elf has been steadily getting closer to the guard this whole time, and is now pretty much pressing herself up against him, as she slides her hand down his thigh.)

    Guard: (Obviously thinking he's going to get lucky, but slightly torn.)
    I'm currently on duty, though.

    Elf: (interrupting, leans in and whispers in his ear.) Oh, it won't take long, I promise.

    Guard: (looking around, speaking quietly) alright.

    At this point, the elf, unbeknownst to the guard, has slipped on a shock glove.

    Elf: perfect.

    At this moment, the elf slams her hand around the back of the guard's unprotected neck, and activates the shock glove. Suffice to say, the guard went down fast. neither I, nor the players, stopped laughing for a while, especially as their characters drove their van up, bound and gagged the unconscious guard, and threw him in. When he came to, the guard was tied up and thoroughly gagged, stuck in the interior of the van, with little note taped to the opposite wall reading. "Call me." with no number accompanying it.
    Last edited by MidgetMarine; 2012-07-19 at 05:32 PM.

  29. - Top - End - #59
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    HalflingRogueGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    It's 3.5, and my DM wants to run a high level dungeon crawl, starting at lvl 17 without really knowing what he's getting into. The other two guys roll up hack and slash types. One's got a very unoptimized Half-Fiend Fighter. The other's got a monk who couldn't hit the broad side of a barn.

    I decide to play a Halfling Bard named Elroy Grasso'blue.
    A hillbilly Halfling Bard.
    Armed with a banjolele, the Leadership feat (my character's cousin was a Fighter named Bubba), and a crapton of social-fu, we set off on our adventure.

    Things were going fairly well for a thrown-together game, and walk into a room with a Marilith Demon in it.

    Now my DM wasn't the type to get bogged down in details. He and the other lads liked combat combat combat. But at the time I was bound and determined to show them there was more to life than being a murderhobo. I checked with the DM to be sure the thing spoke common, and it did. So in my best southern drawl, I tell my fellow players, "Don't worry boys, ah got this."

    "Scuse me, ma'am? These fellers and I got ourselves lost in this impressive place. We ain't lookin' for any trouble, and if it's all right with you, we'll just scoot on by to the exit and be on our way. How'd that be?"

    My DM realizes I'm trying "that Diplomacy thing", and I make my roll. I roll well, my bonuses are through the roof and I blow the Marilith out of the water. However, my DM says "okay, she's indifferent, she's not attacking you at least. But she's not letting you by."

    All right, that's a start.

    My character pipes up again. "Dang, this place you got here is some hot, and it's enough to make a fella a mite bit hungry. I'm gonna reach into mah pack here and grab me a little somethin' to eat. No need to get skittish, y'hear?"

    I had been eating mango at the time out of character, and asked if my character could have one in his pack to eat as well, so I could use the item as a bit of a prop. My DM okays it, since he encourages a little freeform fun now and then.

    The little halfling bard starts peeling his mango with a little knife (again assuring the Marilith she's not under a threat from him or his party members), and mumbles "Y'know, this mango is so good, it reminds me of the time my ancestor Jethro Grasso'blue found hisself the first mango. Lemme tell you the story."

    I look at the DM with an almost feral grin. "Bardic Music: Fascinate with Maxed Perform (oratory) and a bunch of skill bonuses. Enjoy your will save."

    The Marilith blows the save, and she's fascinated. My character has her around his little finger, telling her all about this funny little halfling trying to climb a mango tree.

    (Amazingly, the two guys I was partied with did not try to attack her while she was Fascinated. That in itself, was fascinating)

    "And the best thing about mangos? Sharing."

    One of the dirty bard-fu tricks I had up my character's sleeve was slipping a suggestion effect into the Fascinate. She got a re-roll, sure, but she blew that.

    The suggestion?

    "Share...share with us..."

    She ended up splitting the room's loot with us and joining us as an ally.

    And I?

    I got to say that I bested a demon with a damn mango.

  30. - Top - End - #60
    Troll in the Playground
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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    ....
    Did your character get an on the spot Deity level? Just saying. You convinced a demon to join the forces of good, with a damn mango....

    And people think bards are useless.
    My Homebrew Sig.

    Woo, I have a Quote.
    Quote Originally Posted by Moonwolf727 View Post
    To avoid harming the sanity of the DM I can no longer:

    * Cast flesh to stone on a annoying Druid
    ** Cast Rock to mud on a Druid statue
    *** Scoop mud into little ceramic pots
    **** Plant tree's in individual ceramic pots
    ***** Claim that I have helped them become one with nature
    Quote Originally Posted by Chilingsworth View Post
    Congrats, you made me laugh hard enough to draw my family's attention.

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