More Funny D&D Stories

[CMDonovann]

Okay, so I just joined this site specifically so I could post some funny things that happened in my last campaign.

Earlier this year I got a D&D group together of almost entirely newbies. Like, me and my younger brother are the only ones out of six players who have any experience, and our experience is a tad questionable anyway. We play what I refer to as "D&D Lite," which is basically 4e but with some rules being ignored entirely and other rules made up out of my butt. Mostly we go with whatever is more fun as far as RPing and advancing the story.

ANYWAY it was the first game of our first campaign and I was DMing. My brother was playing a Dragonborn Paladin named Balasar and my friend Colleen was an Elf Rogue named Lee. The other players were a Tiefling Warlock (Akita), a Human Cleric (Bral), and... um, Leo the Elf Ranger actually hadn't joined us yet I think? Whatever.

So the group had followed some tracks through the woods, trying to find the kidnapped high priestess of the Church Of Moradin, which basically ran the town they had met in (Silverfell- homebrew setting). Lee was being super sassy and flaunting her superiority in some skills and was like, "I'm gonna go ahead and follow the tracks since I'm the only one with high enough nature/survival training to follow them. Y'all wait here." And she just flounced off into the woods, leaving the rest of the party planning her demise.

She followed the tracks out into the mountains, where they suddenly stopped at a steep cliff face. Now, I had been intending for whoever found the tracks to realize that tracks disappearing into the side of a mountain meant there was a secret cave with a hidden door. But Lee was immediately like, "I'm gonna climb the cliff."

DM (Me): You do realize that it's a sheer cliff face? It's like, a WALL of sharp, dangerous rock.
Lee: I have no fear of falling. My skills surpass those of any mere commoner.
DM: Ok... Roll an athletics check.
Lee: *rolls a natural 1*
Lee: *long string of expletives*
DM: You try to climb the cliff, but no more than ten feet from the ground, your foot slips on a loose rock. As you fall, you hit what appears to be a rocky lever sticking out from the side of the mountain. You hit the ground and take falling damage just as a doorway opens in the side of the mountain, activated by the lever you hit on your fall.

So what does Lee do? She goes back and gets the rest of the party, telling them that by her sheer skill and incredible intelligence, she had found a secret cave in the cliff. (Yeah right, Lee, you keep telling yourself that.)

Later in the same game, the party was trying to sneak up and ambush some guard they had found in the secret cave. Balasar and Lee were arguing about the best way to go about it, and finally Lee just got fed up and pushed Balasar out into the corridor where the guard was waiting. The guard had the advantage, since Balasar had fallen over, and immediately knocked his weapon out of his hands. Then Balasar says, "I'm gonna punch the guard." So he rolls for an unarmed attack and gets a natural 20, then rolls the highest damage possible and of course it gets doubled because of the critical. So The guard ends up with like 20 something damage and dies from a punch in the face, and my brother (playing Balasar) stands up on his chair and shouts, "FALCON PUNCHHHH!" really loudly. It's now his favorite way to attack.


Another funny incident happened with Balasar a few games later. The party was trying to cross a rope bridge over a huge canyon in the mountains that required a dexterity check to get across without falling, right? So the entire party gets across totally fine, all rolling really well. Then Balasar, the last one left on the other side, rolls his check and gets a natural 1.

Balasar: Well, crap.
DM: You make it about a foot out onto the rope bridge before losing your balance and falling, tearing the fraying rope bridge as you go. You fall into the canyon, screaming the whole way down, and land in the river below, unharmed, but carried away from the rest of the party by the current.
Balasar: Well, crap.
The rest of the party: Well, crap.
DM: As he fell, however, you heard his shouts echoing far upward, and just when you think it is finally silent, you hear a rumbling from above you. Snow begins falling from the highest peaks of the mountain, causing an avalanche.
Everyone: Well, crap.

They all ran into a cave in the side of the mountain, where they ended up trapped by the snow from the avalanche for a few days until Balasar, who had been fished out of the river a few miles out of the mountain range, came back and dug them out.

[Codex]

Many of my adventures had humor in them. Characters involved: Codex you know who he is, Zob Goblin Barbarian, Durra Orc Paladin.

Durra: Do you know what we need?
Codex:Our own web comic?

Durra: Not to worry. I've got this! Smite evil! Power Attack! (rolls a natural 1)
Codex:(Steps behind Zob) I'm following that guy.

Durra:(Talking about a cart) You could help me pull
Codex: No need to expend my spells
DM: A Tyrannosaurus Rex bursts out of the trees to your right. It spots the three of you and begins to stride forward, it's gaping jaws snapping in anticipation.
Codex: Ant haul! Enlarge Person!

At another point, Codex was mesmerized by an artifact that began draining his mind. Zob eventually just knocked him out and dragged him away.

[delenn]

I was DMing an encounter in a 100ft high tower, and one of the PC's knocked a guard out of the window. One of the players asked if he fell on anything below, so I told them all to suggest something, and then I'd roll for it. They call came up with great ideas (that I wish I could remember - one involved a pile of manure), but the one that won was 'another guard who's just one week away from retirement.' I felt so bad for the almost-retired guard that I later gave him a backstory.

In another game, our Sorcerer started drowning, panicked, and cast Fly before remembering that he could polymorph, so he ended up a flying octopus.

Oh, and then there was the time our party and one NPC got body-swapped. My somber, serious cleric was not pleased to find herself in the body of the local stinky, drunken vagabond (and friend/lovable nuisance, but still), and we had to immediately progress with the quest if we wanted to fix things, so there was no time to bathe. So:

DM: In this room, you find a large basin filled with water. It appears to be used for scrying.
Me: Can I lift it?
DM: Yeah...?
Me: I DUMP IT OVER MY HEAD.

[Socksy]

I once introduced a cursed Belt of Giant Strength. It would damage the Psychic Warrior's 19STR by alternating amounts of two and four points of damage, to a minimum of five whenever he failed his Will save (once per day unless he was in danger or it wanted to mess with him, he's never rolled higher than a six, and when it's not on him, the points start to return). He couldn't take it off unless it wanted him to. It also had the side effect of getting a song into the wearer's head, giving a -2 to Listen checks. (It also let natural attacks also deal Ego Whip damage, so it wasn't all bad, but nobody actually made one while wearing it which wasn't a one-hit KO). The Psychic Warrior fails to recognise it.

The rest of the party (Drow(I think) Psion, Elf Rogue, Human Hexblade) are dragging the Psychic Warrior through the forest on a cart to get the Psychic Warrior to someone willing to cast Remove Curse when they get attacked by some Kobolds and a wyrmling Green Dragon (refluffed to be a fully-grown pseudodragon variant). The Psion grabs the Dragon with telekinetic force, spins it around, and concentrates on keeping its' head pointed away from them. The rogue manages to persuade the belt off the Psychic Warrior, and it promptly latches onto her, tightening around her waist and feeding her those 14 STR points it took from him. She punches through one Kobold while the Hexblade chops up the Dragon, and the rest of them flee. The Psychic Warrior is confused and slightly upset. The rogue also fails to recognise the song. The strength boost fades after a minute, and the belt slinks back over to the Psychic Warrior, who fails the reflex save to get out of the way.

They eventually manage to get him to a cleric of high enough level to remove the belt permanently and restore the Psychic Warrior's STR, and it's nailed to one of the benches in his lab.
It starts projecting its song out loud, and the cleric says "That isn't a Belt of Giant Strength! That's a Belt of Troll Strength!"

[turbo164]

*avalanche story*

Did they eat the Rogue while stuck in the cave?

[Dundee15]

The Cast:
Alex (Male Human Rogue, Skill Monkey, Merc)
Gar (Male Dwarf Fighter, leader/plan guy, Merc)
Belle (Female Elf Ranger, 2nd in command, Merc)
Sir Gant (Male Human Paladin, thinks he's in command)
Becca (Female Human Cleric (12 year old character), team mascot)

Ward (Male Human Wizard, 'Ladies Man', Scholar)

Spoiler: Don't call me Alexis, Part 1

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The party was traveling through a forest with a religious artifact for Sir Gant and Becca's church when they were attacked by bandits that were trying to steal it. After the battle they noticed that the wagon that was holding their food and other traveling supplies had been robbed and they didn't have enough to make it to the next town. So Gant tries to hunt for food, and fails miserably. Belle takes over and gets a few rabbits for dinner. With some lucky rolls they are able to skin the rabbits and make 3 water skins. The second order of business was to get some fresh water as they could hunt on the way, so Belle ends up finding a spring. The party then spends the next 3 minutes arguing if it's safe to drink or not. So Gant gets annoyed and shoves Alex into the spring. (DM rolled on a random effect chart he had) After coming up for air he notices that he feels a bit different and the rest of the party bursts out in laughter. Becca tries to dispel the effect but DM ruled that it needed to be cured with a potion so Alex(is), Belle, and Becca drink out of the fountain while Gar and Gant look for other sources of water.

Spoiler: Meet the Wizard

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(in the next session) After arriving at the next town in their journey, the party splits up to take care of business and introduce another member to the party. Alexis goes off in search for somebody who can cure him, Gar and Belle shop for supplies, and Gant and Becca stop at the local church to pay their respects and offer assistance. At the church they learn that the wizard at the end of town needs help with something and would be willing to assist anyone who would help him however he could. Gant and Becca head out to the wizard's hut and find Ward. He offers his services to the party if they help him 'take care of' some problems in a cave to the north of town. Apparently he's been using it as a lab for testing spells and what-not when some monsters (can't remember what) took it over. Gant agrees (for the party without the full party being there) and rushes off... at dusk. The rest of the party meets back at the inn and rests the night. Alexis wasn't able to find anyone who could cure him. The next morning Becca takes the group to meet Ward and Gar decides that it would be best to go get Gant before he gets himself killed. Ward's player asks about Belle and Alexis and then has Ward start hitting on the two of them, much to Alexis' displeasure. The party gets to the cave to find Gant hanging upside down from a tree halfway to the cave. They undo the rope and go inside, clear out the monsters and recover Ward's books and then they go on their way.

I'll post part 2 when i'm not falling asleep

Woo! Part 2! Sorry it took so long.

Spoiler: Don't call me Alexis, Part 2

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Up to this point, Alexis has been "Adjusting" and was taking penalties to her rolls, but the DM ruled that it had been long enough that the penalties were now gone. Instead (s)he now had a str/con-1 and a dex/cha+1. Now heading back to Ward's place, the party discovers that he is able to create potions and Alexis asks him to cure her. After a short detour to acquire the ingredients needed from the local forest Ward whips up a potion and Alexis is cured. The party continues on to the next town and speaks with the king to see if they can help with any problems. The King sends them to work for his captain of the guard, and find out he's plotting against the throne. They take care of the bandits he sent them to go fight, and the King invites Sir Gant as a noble paladin and a guest of his choice to the party. Seeing their chance to sneak around and look for evidence, they figure that the best person to go with Gant is Alex, as he has the best chance to sneak, and can bluff his way out of any situation fairly easily... the only problem being, he's a guy. Turns out Belle had some water left from the spring and dumped it on Alex(is). Becca and Belle then took Alexis to get a makeover. Dropping a chunk of gold the make-over consisted of hair, makeup, and dress (and Becca and Belle's players REALLY wanted to RP it.)

Afterwards, Alexis and Gant went to the ball. Gant ended up getting drunk, and was making a ruckus. So Alexis snuck away to the guard captain's room during a guard shift. While she was in there, she found a letter on his desk the guard captain entered. She then bluffed her way into a seduction attempt that almost worked too well, then knocked him out. On her way out, she noticed that there were 2 guards right next to the door and she was trapped. The party ended and Gant left, forgetting why he was there in the first place. Alexis was captured and thrown in jail but she hid the letter (in a planter out the window) being a Rogue she was able to sneak out. The plan was to regroup the next day and then go see the king. Gant was hungover and the rest of the party was wondering what happened to Alexis as her dress was torn, and her hair was a mess. Ward constantly insisted that she 'got some' While meeting the king, each party member was thanked and would be forever known as an ally to the kingdom, all they had to do was tell the king their names...

King: And what do I call these fine heroes?
one by one they stepped forward
Gar: I am Gar
Gant: I am Sir Gant (cue eyerolls)
Belle: I am Belle
Becca: You may call me Lady Becca
Ward: I am grand archmage Ward of the seven kingdoms (more eyerolls)
Gant: And last is Alexis
Alex: DON'T CALL ME ALEXIS!
King: Yes, a fine young lady like her deserves to have her title spoken as well.

From then on, even while a guy, he was Lady Alexis.

Once again sorry for the delay.

[DontEatRawHagis]

Highlights from my last game:

The Cast:
Dragonborn Fighter - Claudius, a bit straight forward... you'll see what I mean below.
High Elf Mage - Trudi, the brains and diligent note taker.
Human monk - Sehn, the brawns and wise ass.
Half Elf Druid - Kaomi, blind(magic sight) and has a pension for kissing things she shouldn't be.

So the party witnessed the following, the Governor of a city dying while trying to secretly banish a god-demon in the mountains and the supreme leader is missing the city. Rumors have caused the city to fallen to rioting. The plan they decide to settle on is polymorph Claudius into the governor for an hour in order to calm the populous. I'll let the words speak for themselves...

Claudius: My fellow men, it has come to my attention that our village-
Guy in Crowd: City!
Claudius: I'm sorry, City has fallen to rioting believing that I had died.
Guy in Crowd: Who said died? We just thought you ran away.
Claudius: Sorry again, rumors of my departure were grossly over exaggerated. I'm still alive though.
Trudi: Maybe you should try to rally them.
Claudius: We must stand together at this time.
Guy in Crowd: Here Here!
Claudius: Now I might be gone for a while.
Guy in Crowd: What?
Claudius(Intimidation): But I will rule with an iron fist.
Sheriff(To Party): Stop him!
Claudius: You will bow before me as your one true leader!

On a ship fighting tentacles of a giant octopus. Trudi is grabbed by one of the tentacles and is being crushed to death. I removed the other players turns as Claudius

Claudius: Can I swing on one of the ropes handing from the mast?
DM: You can try. Roll an Intelligence check.
Claudius: *Crit Fail*
DM: The rope you cut wraps around your leg and your dragged up into the ship's rafters about 60ft up. Ropes and sails around you.
Claudius: At least I have height advantage. I fire my crossbow at the tentacle. *Success*
DM: One of the ones not holding Trudi?
Claudius: No the one holding Trudi.
DM: Evens or odds?
Claudius: Evens *Odds*
DM: Trudi an arrow sinks into your shoulder blade.
Trudi: Damn it, Claudius.
Claudius: Okay, I got this I'll use my dragonbreath.
DM: Roll an intelligence check.
Claudius: *Fails* Okay, flame breath it is.
DM: *Facepalm* *Rolls two dice* Okay, so the sail is now on fire and you set fire on the rope holding you aloft. Plummeting 60ft.
Sehn: He's wearing heavy armor, shouldn't he fall through the deck?
Claudius: You're not helping!

[Dunsparce]

Okay, before I tell this short story that happened the other night, I need to give some background info: In this near-epic evil campaign I play, the DM has a unique verbal tic. He likes saying "Dodongo" A LOT. Originally he said it to cheese off one particular player, but nowadays he says it in casual conversation even when that player isn't around to hear him say it.

Anyways here's the team:
-Marra (A alf-fiend gnoll barbarian. SHe(played by a guy) is the powerhouse of the team. Deals insane damage consistantly but it a little wild)
-Rowbie (Human Cleric, he's the main magic user of the group. keeps Marra alive when he goes insane)
-Klien (Halfling (complete adventurer) Ninja. He's the stealthy one in the group. This is the player that gets cheesed off when the DM says Dodongo
-Dorian (Human Fallen Paladin/Bone Knight. This is my character. His role is to take hits, as his HP, AC, and Saves are unmatched)

Well anyways last night we were clearing out a devil filled dungeon that was under the pub of the small town we hide out in after we cause mayhem. We fought some devils and made it past a trapped hallway, we made it to a library of some sort. There was a glowing ball of light shooting lightning in the center. Klien snuck in and started started looting some stuff, and touched a small crystal ball. Touching it cause a blue dragon to emerge from the orb in the center. He demanded to Klien that he put his stuff back and Warned Marra, whom was standing in the entrance of the room, to not even attempt to come into the room. Klien decided to go on a 5 minutes(in real time) rant that Marra will do the opposite of whatever the dragon tells her to do and and since he's been traveling with her for so long he tells him that he'd be better off tell her to come into the room. After this huge talk the dragon we were about to engage in combat with only had one thing to say:

"Dodongo!"

[Stromveil]

So, a few weeks back me and a few friends started a 2e campaign, and the oldest out our group is 17, youngest being 9 ish. Te 9 yr old was playing a CE wizard, and he is possibly the most evil person in the world.
Example: DM: being the first to arrive in the shop, only you and the shopkeeper are in the room.
Wiz: I attack the shopkeeper.
DM: are you sure? There are guards right outside!
Wiz: well, it's the only way I can get free stuff!
Me: (CG fighter, known for my good looks and amazing charisma checks) Dude, just wait a few minutes and I will be in the shop, if your char explains that he wants free stuff, I can just charisma my way into free stuff!
Wiz: I'm going to attack her.
DM: Just before you begin your attack, the large black woman who keeps the shop, pulls out a very large war hammer, and says "Boy you even make a move and imma mess you up good son"
Needless to say he never attacked.

[Dunsparce]

Okay, a funny thing happened a few days ago in a desert campaign I'm in. Here is the party:

Eliwood: True Neutral Human Mystic Ranger, Played by Moi
Garvish: Lawful Neutral Halfling Rogue/Wizard
Zook: Chaotic Neutral Venerable Gnome Cleric of a homebrew god of Luck

We're all level 2 at this point.

We're currently in a cave where a genocide against kolbolds had taken place. We're traveling with a NPC female kolbold cleric and we had earlier taken care of some of the people that had commited the act. My fantasic listen check allowed me to hear some more people in the distance. It was a party consisting of a Knight, his Expert Squire, a Barbarian, and a Sorcerer. We wanted loot so we decided to kill them. Garvish rolled really high on hide and move silently and postioned himself to shank the sorcerer. Zook approached them and was distracting them with Ale(And preparing Magic Weapon for my Bow) Suddenly Garvish struck with a sneak attack and instantly killed the sorcerer, starting initiative. I won and one-shot the squire. The Knight took a massive chunk out of Garvish out of revenge, and the Barbarian was about to finish him with a charge when something amazing happened. He rolled a 1. In this campaign we use crit tables, so a d-100 was rolled. He got a 100, which is "roll three times and combine" The Barbarian fell prone, broke his armor, and his axe flew out of his hand and landed at Zook's feet. It was the failure of all failures, and everyone was roaring with laughter OOC. After that Eliwood got a confirmed crit on the knight, one shotting him with his longbow. The NPC kolbold use Inflict Light Wounds on the barbarian and he was shanked by Garvish but he was still alive. Eliwood's turn rolled around again and he got ANOTHER confirmed crit, finsihing him off. From what the DM said the fight was supposed to be a lot harder than it turned out, but the luck was on our side with the rolls. (The funny thing is that the fight before that was against a few bats and it was supposed to be the simple random encounter, but we struggled badly with poor rolls and Zook and Garvish almost died and Eliwood was the only character that could reasonably hit them and kept missing.)

[CombatOwl]

In the immortal words of fraud,



His classic thread lasted almost four years, but as his last post was three months after starting it, I'm not worried he'll be upset about my starting the sequel.

So tell your funny stories! Mostly they're going to be D&D, but, really, any tabletop RPG is just fine.


Just a couple words of advice from experience:

• It's always nice if you give the characters names, or refer to them by their roles. It's difficult to read "Then K attacked the mayor but P backstabbed K with L's cursed dagger that he stole in R's house" and have to constantly refer to the key at the top.
• It would be really sad if people skipped your story because it looked too long. Perhaps not all of the subplots going on really contribute to the humor?
• Maybe your story really does have to be long to get the full humor across. If so, paragraph breaks are your best friends.
• Don't badmouth other forum members. A similar thread got locked for that, which was a great shame.
• Rouge is a type of makeup.
• Have fun!

I've got quite a few, but every time I try to type one out it seems to drag on because it's the context that makes it funny. I was running a Pathfinder game where the players were a noble member of the party was going to become a Linnorm King and this is the story of how that happened. But in my usual style, I throw in lots of twists and turns where events happen behind the scenes that the players aren't always aware of. Well, one of those twists and turns was a plot by a faction of cold fey in Irrisen to take control of a part of the Land of the Linnorm Kings. They were being aided by a local Ranger, who in the process of helping the cold fey had murdered the "main" character's noble father. Assassination being the end of the local nobility's rope, the party was dispatched to finally bring this ranger to justice. They get a tip about the ranger's hideout being somewhere in the area of a remote dwarven town well away from other civilization. They travel to the town, and meet with the NPCs that provide them with the information about this quest. Now, it bears saying that I have a handful of repeat NPCs. Most of them are former characters, none of them are put into important roles, and this one in particular has the role of a shopkeeper. He's a cleric who is cursed to make a very high percentage of cursed items, but loves to tinker with magic so he keeps doing it anyway. The only caveat is that none of the curses are actually fatal (he makes plenty of those, but he destroys them rather than sells them, because he's good aligned). I make it a point to always come up with some seemingly rational explanation for the curse (for example, a bag of holding that only functions at night is billed as a "time lock bag of holding" that will protects your goods during the day). Anyway, he's one of the contacts at the town. It turns out that some of his goods have been stolen by a band of brigands loose in the forest. Three guesses as to who leads them. But being a powerful cleric (end game character), he can assist the party if they'll choose to help him--and he'll even pay them in store credit if they wish (because of a set of feats, he can make a slight profit selling items "at cost" so it's double the money if they take store credit).

I'm not expounding upon the nature of the shopkeeper just to toot my own horn--I followed his crafting procedure and some of the stolen items came up cursed. My usual way of doing his cursed items is to roll once on the requirement or dependent curse table, and again on the drawback table (and throwing out the deadly results), and try to come up with some way to make the curse seem like a benefit. Anyway, one of the items was a cursed adamantine breastplate (+3, invulnerable) which got "item must have a specific spell cast on it to function" and "character's gender changes." I generalized that as "item's bearer must fail their save on a spell" because I didn't want to mess with picking a spell for it. The ranger, being the leader of the bandits and interested in the best equipment they could find saw the obvious quality of the breastplate and took it for himself. So the inevitable confrontation comes around. The party, being a fairly... blunt and upfront party decided to assault the ranger in his own stronghold in his own favored terrain. After fighting their way through the enemies at the stronghold, they run into this encounter with a ranger in a prepared room that's been shaped into a ranger's paradise--hiding spots galore, plenty of natural difficult terrain, etc. The ranger was this crossbow specialist ranger who used the terrain for his advantage--he had set up a lot of helpless 1HD creatures around the room and sniped at the little creatures using the cover in the room to protect himself from being seen. He'd then use arrow eruption to pelt the party with full-power vital striked, gravity bowed, brilliant energy crossbow bolts. This is important because during the fight the party never actually saw him--until one of them thought to blast a hole in the cover and another readied an action to use hold person when the ranger left cover to snipe. I thought it was clever enough that I would let the technical rules violation slide (since by the rules you can cross an open space unseen as long as you end in cover). The ranger failed his saving throw and was held.

This is where it gets funny. The curse on the armor activates in the first round they see the ranger, but none of them realize what happened. The ranger gets coup-de-graced later in that same round, so even the ranger doesn't know what happened. They've all got a pretty specific description of the ranger (he was seen committing the deed, and the person who saw him gave a very good description), and they know the ranger they're looking for is a man. So the players OOC assume that "the princess is in the next castle," and spend a month travelling back to their liege lord for new orders. I find all this hilarious, and let them do it. It's not until after their characters get back home that they ask around and realize that there are no more hints forthcoming and that they must have missed something. So they then go on another harrowing journey back to the former ranger's stronghold. Once there they commence to using speak with dead on the corpse of the ranger. It takes *quite* awhile before they ask the right questions, because the already cryptic answers from speak with dead are further confused because the spirit didn't even realize he'd been cursed to be a woman at the time of death (he literally got held and killed in the same round).

[ReaderAt2046]

So me and some friends were rolling up characters for a Call of Cthulu campaign, and I rolled up extremely high POW but weak physical stats. I took this ability spread and decided to do something that a more experienced CoC player would know is utterly ridiculous: I made a PC cultist. Specifically, I made Brian Patrick Hood, whose backstory is copied here:

Spoiler

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In all worlds, in all times, in all shadowrealms and fractured realities, the house of Hood have been mages, sorcerors, wielders of supernal power. In this realm, that inbred trait drove them to the reality-warping energies of the Mythos, and they became Summoner Lords. Everything from Hunting Horrors to Fire Vampires to the Hounds of Tindalos were at their beck and call, if they paid the proper prices. An unusual mutation of common sense also runs rampant through this line, generally preventing them from driving too deep and getting involved with powers beyond their ability to control. As a child, Brian Hood was just beginning to be inducted into the lore of his family when his parents set off for a trip to Stonehenge, where they and others of the Circle intended to do…something. They never returned. Brian’s life is now bound by two tasks: To gain for himself the power that is his birthright, and to find the truth of what happened to his parents. In that quest, he has been required to work out the required spells himself, for both the bulk of his parent’s notes and all the Hood contacts within the Circle disappeared in the same disaster that took his parent’s lives.

About half a dozen sessions into the game, Brian dies and gets turned into a god and transported to a parallel dimension of reality, so he's out of the game. I am happy with this (Brian's death was pretty damn heroic, much better than I expected), and I roll up a new character. A few sessions later, another party member dies. The player rolls maximum wealth, and comes up with a really screwy idea. He decides that his new character will be an obscure scion of the Hood bloodline, who ran away from home at a very young age to become a street magician. With Brian's death, Kevin Hood inherits the entire Hood fortune.

Then the real payoff comes last session, when as a result of various shenanigans we end up between Ireland and Scotland, on a boat and in desperate need of supplies. Kevin realized that we weren't that far from the main Hood mansion in Ireland. We arrive there, and it is perfect. I don't know any better way to describe the reaction of the Hood servants than to say that it's pretty much what you'd imagine happening if you show up in Transylvania and announce that you're Dracula. And of course, Brian was watching the whole thing via magic.

Some of the better quotes/details.

Kevin: "So, did my parents have some kind of pension plan? For when you guys retire?"
Butler: "Retirement has never really been a consideration with the Hoods, Sir.

Narrator: "Looking over the servant contracts, you notice a lot of weird details, a lot of things in perpetuity that aren't normally in perpetuity. You're pretty sure these wouldn't stand up in a modern court, but considering that they're signed in blood..."

There was also a great scene when one of the party members, upon going to bed, found a letter on her pillow, addressed to her, that had been posted a year and a half ago. For clarification, this party member had never been to Hood Manor before.

[JohnnyCancer]

Playtesting a total conversion of Pathfinder. We're on our second round of characters and by luck of the roll, we end up playing a group of idiots. The group's smartest character is rocking an INT of 11. So we end up playing like amoral frat dudebros, but we're remorseful if confronted with the consequences of our deeds. Case in point, while competing with another team of adventurers to clear rust monsters from a mine, we sabotage their trail markers to lead them into the main nest. Later we return and have a good guffaw when we find them mostly destroyed and we can handily steal the credit. Then we find a survivor unconscious and in the negatives. We pull out all the stops to rescue and heal him. He discovers that one of his friends left them to die and murders him in a rage, and our characters wrack their pea brains to devise a defense for him in court to get him off scott free, and generally slave away for our new friends approval.

[Alex12]

So the party is on an airship that had a bomb blow up some important parts (not the party's fault!) and is going down. It's going to crash and kill everyone on board, and the only way to survive is to have a parachute and jump. The party has the last parachutes on board (they were in an area that had been rendered dangerous by the explosion).

Due to having used summons to get the parachutes to relative safety, I was carrying two of them. We're about to jump, and we've got more than enough parachutes. Everyone in the party has one, and we've got some spares. So I toss one of them to some random NPC who is preparing for death.

The DM looks at me and goes "That was considerate of you."

What makes this hilarious is that I'm a Necropolitan Dread Necromancer shooting for Tainted Scholar. I Necropolitan'd myself and see it as an entirely positive thing. I cheerfully cast [Evil] spells, my Mother Cyst is where my heart used to be, and I could all-around be accurately described as "evil-tolerant at best." And even though I'm in a party with people who are by and large less evil than I am, some of whom have spare parachutes of their own, I'm the only one who tried to save someone else's life.

[Vertharrad]

Her is 2 stories about the unpredictability of players. In the first I'm DM in the second I'm a player.

I was DMing 2 of my favorite 3e modules about 5+ years ago - Tomb of Abysthor and Rappan Athuk Reloaded. I had initially added a martial DMPC(with the approval and consent of the players) and the party had gotten large enough to take him out of the picture. When the party gets to town He recieves a letter from his "tribe" detailing their troubles and asking him to return. The party had been having a problem with another players character of which I had come up with a way to get rid of. This NG 1/2 silverdragon Brb/Rog/Marshal was being a real problem enough that the players were getting fed up. At the time that the DMPC lets the party knows that he must leave the 1/2 dragon decides to go along and help. It almost floored the whole room. I wasn't expecting him to do this. It is funny that before any thing in game could be done he switches characters. Whats funnier is that the problem was a vampire and the 2 characters show up later as a moderately difficult encounter set right after a tough fight...


The other time is more recent...last thursday. I'm playing a elven rgr in a friends Kingmaker campaign being run at a FLGS(he has changed some things to keep OOC knowledge from wrecking the game). And theres a CN aasimar ftr/clr(of Gorum?) that rubs the ranger the wrong way. After the previous session I set up with the GM to have my character "exit stage left" when they got back to Olegs trading post. Seeing that wasn't going to happen any time soon the GM had us come across the werewolf. The aasimar, my life oracle, and the court bard Gevim Sortova(PC) approach him seeing him injured. Seeing the 2 roll heal checks I just had my oracle cast cure light. We cured him to full. It's only when the guy has left that the story he gave us falls apart(dire wolves attacked him) when the aasimar says that he had sword wounds on him. My ranger decides to track him stealthily and tells the rest of the party to continue their exploring. Thats when the aasimar follows my ranger. It was a shock to me and the DM. The DM had to tell him by IM or e-mail that he was sent back to the party after finding it's lair. Now isn't that funny?


Just goes to show you players will do funny and unexpected things. The first story I think was intentionally done by the player, the second was unintended I'm sure(I'm pretty sure the player was just playing his character).

[Drake2009]

WASSUP EVERYBODY?! IM BACK AND IM TIRED TOO! this story is rather short, so dont worry. Basicly my group was fighting some baddies. a super boss gnoll (Like things bear sized gnoll) and 2 other smaller gnolls (still bear sized). I (the paladin) an elemental and the bard are taking out the 2 smaller gnolls. the boss is running at the halfling cleric (who is up some stairs. He pushes off the hyena, frightens the barbarians and stops. The barbarian (bless his soul) has the idea to run away USING THE HALFLING. He actually grabs the halfling and the mage and jumps off the stairs. The halfing feather fall ring kicks in and they float down. Of course the mage (being a mage) falls flat on his butt and has to get up from prone. But it gave us enough time to kill the 2 gnolls and run to the bigger one. Sadly that was the end of that session. Bard didnt like being a bard! but now we started a new one! tomb raiding but legal! and we named our group... The Order of The Dire Corgie! yeah thats right! we have a gnomish cavalier and he rides a dire corgie... pretty fun so far. havent done much though. Although the halfling rogue did pick some pockets, get caught and then proceeded to get a natural 20 bluff check and run after the fake pickpocket... And I the gnomish mage. ran through the crowd and yelled (GET ON WITH IT) while the high priest was making a long and boring speech ( Rules blah blah blah blah dont do blah blah blah) then i got silenced by some inquisitors... I WAS EVEN MOVING THROUGH THE CROWD TO AVOID DETECTION! it was pretty hilarious though...

Edit: oh and i also made a bet with the monk that id go first in combat... he has a plus 13 initiative while mine is plus 8. Needless to say i lost that bet... sorta counting on his TERRIBLE ROLLS to help... seriously i think nearly half of his rolls are below ten...

[AvalancheHurler]

Didn't experience this personally, but heard about it from a friend.

Charaters:

Half-orc barbarian
Halfling rogue
Half-elf monk
Human wizard
Dwarf cleric

They were supposed to sneak into this castle, but the barbarian wasn't exactly stealthy. The wizard used his familiar (a weasel or a rat or something) to scout it out. Inside the guard house were a few guys playing cards, shouldn't be too much of a problem. Well, the wizard gets this look.

Wizard: How big is the room?
DM: About 15 feet square.
Wizard: I cast silence on the barbarian (used some feat to extend the area of effect to a 20 foot radius)

Barbarian then crashes through the door, kills the guards, actually beats one of them to death with the table they were sitting at.

And voila. They infiltrated the castle without alerting anyone to their presence.

[Stromveil]

Didn't experience this personally, but heard about it from a friend.

Charaters:

Half-orc barbarian
Halfling rogue
Half-elf monk
Human wizard
Dwarf cleric

They were supposed to sneak into this castle, but the barbarian wasn't exactly stealthy. The wizard used his familiar (a weasel or a rat or something) to scout it out. Inside the guard house were a few guys playing cards, shouldn't be too much of a problem. Well, the wizard gets this look.

Wizard: How big is the room?
DM: About 15 feet square.
Wizard: I cast silence on the barbarian (used some feat to extend the area of effect to a 20 foot radius)

Barbarian then crashes through the door, kills the guards, actually beats one of them to death with the table they were sitting at.

And voila. They infiltrated the castle without alerting anyone to their presence.

This sounds like the time when my fighter's strength was temporarily 25 (AD&D 2e). What happened was I was enchanted by one of the strongest wizards in the land and asked to destroy a gigantic orc village. I conquested through with my buddies, but first attacked their town hall. We decided to be stealthy, but I was feeling like destroying some orcs. I ended up kicking an orc, he flew through the door, killed the one other orc in the room. I then proclaimed "See! There is nobody around that would know what happened!" Not too funny but thought I should say!

[megabyter5]

I haven't posted on this forum in a long time, but this just happened in an online Pathfinder game and my first instinct was to find this thread.

We're running Godsmouth Heresy, and I'm playing my Bones Oracle. The first undead we run into is a pair of festrogs. One of them gets killed in one shot by another party member, and then I use my Undead Servitude revelation. So, for the rest of the adventure, I have a pet undead thingamajig.

Later, we run into the boss fight, who is a sixth level character with two zombies as pets. Considering that I'm the only level two alongside three level ones, this seems like it would be pretty dang challenging, right?

The GM starts singing, "Do you wanna have a boss fiiiiight?", and we roll initiative.

My festrog, who we had nicknamed Hungry, went first. He charges at the boss with a bite attack, which gives him a free trip maneuver. The boss is prone, and suddenly it was time for him to say hello to the party fighter's Earthbreaker.

The boss is only able to drink a mutagen before he goes down, and as the party goes about mopping up the zombie minions he left behind, I respond to the GM.

"It doesn't have to be a boss fight..."

[Defiled Cross]

My cousin was playing a Human Fighter who he envisioned and scribed as the bastion of all adventurers..

..unfortunately he seemed to suffer from a momentary bout of dyslexia when filling out his character sheet.

Instead of being six feet and two inches tall, he was two feet and six inches tall.

Upon discovery, the description of his arrival to the town of Tharn naturally changed from one of awe, to one of hilarity.

[TeChameleon]

So I just did one of the weekend one-offs that my group occasionally runs through. Thus far, they've all been... basically side-stories... to the main plot; we'll run a group (often themed in some fashion) through a short adventure that will somehow tie into the main campaign.

Spoiler: The Setup:

Show

The group this time was intended to be stealth-heavy, with a certain emphasis on skill challenges. I had been tinkering with the character builder a while back and had created an Assassin that had an utterly absurd stealth score- 27 Stealth at level 16- so I decided to dust him off and see if I could fit him in. One of the cornerstones of the build was a variety of abilities that were gained by being in dim light/darkness, so I had bought an Enshrouding Candle to make sure I always had some dim light handy.

The problem was, I was having trouble figuring out how he would carry the thing. Candles, even magic ones, aren't really known for being handy to try and carry in hand-to-hand combat conditions, and my DM had already let me know that he would gleefully use that against me whenever possible. All the stopgap solutions I tried were shot down for one reason or another, until I hit upon a brainstorm. Well, brain drizzle, at least. I'd taken Soul Thief as my paragon path (we kept running into Rakshasa, and I wanted the bastards to stay dead), and I figured that ripping out people's souls and then using those to kill other people would probably mess with your head a bit.

So my assassin went from being a relatively nondescript dragonborn to being massively tall and heavily scarred, with ash-grey scales, a propensity for ringwraith-style heavy black hooded cloaks, and an Enshrouding Candle implanted directly into his skull where his left eye used to be. And thus Paik... who pronounced his name to rhyme with either 'lake' or 'pike', depending on my mood... the crazed assassin, was born.

Spoiler: The Situation:

Show

Our party was officially employed by a local lord, but for a series of complicated reasons, were actually trying quite hard to sabotage him, without losing our status of being more-or-less trusted by him. We had bailed out on our official mission to pursue our actual goal, an artifact hidden in an old, but still active, temple.

The problem was that we had discovered where the artifact was by breaking into the lord's office and reading his files, so of course he already had men there. Rather a lot of men, actually. The other members of the party were searching the temple a little desperately under cover of night, hoping to find the artifact without the enemy forces knowing we had been there.

Paik, on the other hand, had different ideas.

Spoiler: The Payoff:

Show

Paik wandered off on his own, using his ludicrous stealth skills and wide variety of ways to become invisible to avoid attracting attention. He stealthed into the enemy camp, and there the DM left me hanging while he dealt with the rest of the party quietly and hurriedly scrambling through the small temple,

Once that was done, everybody was rather curious as to what I was going to do. Much to no-one's surprise, given Paik's profession, I had him slip into the boss' tent and slit his throat. The DM was just telling me to roll stealth again to get out of the camp when I announced that Paik wasn't leaving yet. Paik proceeded to hide the boss' body, and then used a couple of magic items to assume the form of the enemy boss and create what looked like the dead body of a changeling.

Then he erupted from the tent, roaring "Changelings! They've infiltrated and we're under attack, boys!" while throwing the 'dead body' out into the firelight. One successful bluff roll later, and the enemy camp degenerated into utter mayhem. Paik gleefully skipped out, pausing only to sow a little further confusion by giving a few people contradictory passwords on the way out.

Shift scene back to the rest of the party, who have gathered at the entrance of the temple and are staring towards the burning chaos in the distance with some consternation. The party leader says "That doesn't look good. I wonder if..." and then Paik popped back into visibility with a deranged grin full of fangs and a bloody weapon. "... ah."

[GHammy]

I was going to type out a load of funny stories but there are too many to be bothered to type.

Fortunately we have actually been recording our past 4e campaign called scales of war if anyone would be interested in listening to them. I have had quite a few friends listen to them in the past few months and they have found them quite fun.

Anyways, just let me know if you want me to and if not I’ll just go about typing them up on here for your amusement.

Thanks,
G

[illyahr]

This happened a while ago in a 3.5 game I was DMing. Group is raiding an orc cave and come across the warchief. Seeing that the dude has a Fullblade so, of course, our 1/2 orc barbarian wants it. Our wizard casts reduce person on the warchief and he fails his save so he is no longer big enough to use his weapon and resorts to unarmed strikes. Our barbarian, wanting to show off charges and attempts to kick the warchief away from the weapon. He provokes an attack of opportunity. I declare that, since he is half sized, he makes a called uppercut to the barbarian's groin. Threatens critical, confirms critical, deals max damage (14 nonlethal, had a STR of 20) and the barbarian is stunned on the ground as he attempts to collect himself.

[turbo164]

This happened a while ago in a 3.5 game I was DMing. Group is raiding an orc cave and come across the warchief. Seeing that the dude has a Fullblade so, of course, our 1/2 orc barbarian wants it. Our wizard casts reduce person on the warchief and he fails his save so he is no longer big enough to use his weapon and resorts to unarmed strikes. Our barbarian, wanting to show off charges and attempts to kick the warchief away from the weapon. He provokes an attack of opportunity. I declare that, since he is half sized, he makes a called uppercut to the barbarian's groin. Threatens critical, confirms critical, deals max damage (14 nonlethal, had a STR of 20) and the barbarian is stunned on the ground as he attempts to collect himself.

Reduce and Enlarge Person both modify the target's equipment as well.

[illyahr]

Reduce and Enlarge Person both modify the target's equipment as well.

I fudged it a little as the group hadn't found their battle rythm yet. Besides, it was funny.

[Ike [Jgraten]]

I started last November and it was my first time ever playing anything like D&D, I thought it would be easier to roll a human barbarian [Ike; Chaotic neutral] both personality wise and character sheet wise. Less to keep track of. In our campaign we rolled for our characteristics as well, I happened to roll 16 years old, 235 lbs, and 6'1 tall. The barbarian is a f*cking Olympic athlete...
A friend rolled a human rogue and ended up at 17 years old, [True neutral] and the other 3 chose lawful good. The rogue tried convincing them he could drink mead and that it didn't matter that he was 17, he kept bugging them and they finally threatened to knock him out if he didn't shut up. I walked up to the counter and took a stool next to them as this took place and ordered a drink. The Paladin, Wizard, and Druid all looked at me annoyed and the paladin asked how old I was.
"16, why?"
"You're not old enough to drink in these parts. It's illegal"
Knowing they know my guy is f*cking huge I say; "Do you really think you could stop me if you tried?" I then chug my mead and the wizard's.
.
.
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I also decided to spice up his bland personality to get more into roleplaying, so I decided Ike would hate small characters. Any race that is, on average, smaller than the average height of a human, Ike will dislike them.

One night we're traveling along a wide open dirt road on a plain during rain season. Our group hears yelling, metal clashing, and sees some bright golden light in the distance a couple hundred of feat away. Without hesitation or conversation we all rush headlong towards the commotion, they riding horses, I running.... faster than the horses....
I am the first to reach the commotion, I notice a lone heavily armored Dwarf cleric fighting a band of goblins, IKE HATES SMALL CREATURES. Ike continues his run, charging into the group with my Orc Double-Axe ready and makes a strength check to pick up the goblin and SMACK THE GOBLIN INTO THE DWARF'S ARMOR. K.O. The goblin is unconscious. Next the paladin arrives charging on horseback and swings his longsword at another goblin but JUST nicks his ear, barely missing his head on what would have been a devastating blow. He hasn't killed a thing yet in the campaign and becomes demotivated, he dismounts his horse and takes a some mead from the satchel on its side, sits on his ass, raises his sword and cheers before taking a large swig. I throw a live wriggling goblin onto his sword as he drinks.
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.
.
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Later the paladin is replaced by a rogue who is replaced by a warrior that happens to be a dwarf. Not fun. To alleviate the problems that arise from me roleplaying Ike as a hater of short races I had to come up with a way Ike could respect the dwarf. Naturally that would be only a fist fight and a drinking competition. One day after adventuring Ike sets out to find the dwarf at his race's tavern in our current town. He walks in and shouts "SHORTY McREDBEARD! SHOW YOURSELF YOU DUMB LITTLE DWARF!" Of course this is a bad idea to say in a dwarven tavern. Zokag Emberbeard turns on his stool, waves, shouts "HELLO THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK?!" "No, I want to trounce you in a mead drinking contest to prove just how being bigger is better you dumb dwarf!" "Well okay then! Let's drink boy-o!"
We proceed to drink ourselves into oblivion, we each have a BARREL of mead. Ike finishes his barrel first but he falls out of his stool unconscious as he finishes. Zokag finishes not even a second later but he manages to put his barrel down on the counter before he puts a dent in the wooden floor when he falls unconscious.

Another paladin we met along the way wakes us up the next morning around 4 am on the side of the tavern literally in a pig's sty, covered in mud, ****, and hay sticking out of that and our armor. Technically Ike isn't even fully awake, Ike is suffering from alcohol poisoning [severe negative added to my rolls] for several hours. and is still technically unconscious. The paladin had talked to the clergy in the town and made arrangements for some to join us and help load a large amount of dead onto some wagons to bring them back and bury them properly [they were recently animated by an evil necromancer, who we defeated, for an undead army] The paladin and the dwarf load me onto the back of a wagon and we travel for a couple hours to the evil church we conquered the previous evening. When we arrive the dwarven clerics noticed that some of the undead were still moving, and they were actually loading other corpses onto each other in piles for easy work. One of our group members fancies necromancy and found a wand of animate dead and used it to speed the work up, but the clerics are very clearly against this. [btw the clerics are armored and armed well.] Even though Ike is drunk and has no skill in diplomacy at all he speaks up from the back end of the wagon he's laying in, his head actually going just over the back of the wagon so he sees everyone upside down. "Ahehhhh.... dwarsh shuse leafs... hic." I knew I would have a hard time roleplaying an alcohol poisoned barbarian diplomacy attempt, because he needed to be crude and unintelligible. After a couple more slurred nothings the dm asks out of character what I'm trying to say and says that they'll need to roll a listen check to see if they can understand what I'm getting at. I tell him I'm trying to convince the clerics that our group will use the wand for good purposes, in defense of others and ourselves, and if the wizard tries otherwise we will handle it ourselves. The DM rolls for the clerics and he mentions they will understand the gist of my message, but I still have to deliver it. So I roll, and I take a -2 penalty to everything due to the alcohol, I roll a natural 20 and the clerics who were about to go to town on our wizard/wizard who was about to shoot a fireball at their group/Ike who was about to let himself fall out of the wagon to fight the clerics [because taking something from his friend is wrong (and he hates shorties)] all stop. The clerics say "Well... Okay then." Ike falls out of the wagon. Our wizard smiles and puts the wand away. Our group promptly bursts into laughter.

[imaloony]

So I just finished the first session of a new Pathfinder game. In it, we're playing a group of individuals who are starting work for this guild. Our first mission, to gain entrance to the guild, is a simple one: Go to a city, meet up with the informant of the guild there, and help to get a hostage out of the city and back to the guild. Simple enough, right?
Our party consists of a Human Paladin, a Dwarven Cleric, a Drow Rogue, and a Human Gunslinger (Me).
We travel for almost two weeks to get to this city, and find that it's a Socialistic nightmare of a city (The DM got the idea from Arstotzka from "Papers, Please"), and without our guild identification (Which we don't have yet because we're currently doing the interview) we're forced to bribe our way into the city.
So, what's the problem? Well, The Guild doesn't have an official branch here. They're recognized, but only just, and without our identification, we're technically here illegally, which already got us run out of a government organization with a bunch of guards on our tail.
On top of that, we completely forgot the day we were supposed to meet the informant. We show up a day early by mistake, accidentally tip our target off, and as a result, I find myself with our informant surrounded by guards. The rest of the party is nearby and the target is here, but we're outnumber 2-to-1, so the informant and I decide to take a dive into a canyon below.

Spoiler: This is the part I'd like to call "I don't care what tier Gunslinger is in, it's fun and badass as hell."

Show

We get out of the river, and the informant chews me out while I change the powder in my musket. We eventually decide that while it would be safer to take the long way back to the city, we need to take a more direct route, as our party isn't in the best of state (The Drow, being pretty much the only drow in the city, is already known as a criminal and is being hunted), and we decide to climb our asses out of the canyon. I have a grappling hook, but I used my rope to get down to the canyon more easily in my escape and am now left without it. The informant happens to have a shorter rope; not much, but enough to do the job. We climb most of the way up the cliff very carefully, and at the top, I manage to hook the grappling hook (While hanging from one hand no less!) and I let the informant climb up first before I follow him up. Before I make it up, he comes flying back over the edge as someone pushes him, disappearing into the river below (Current status unknown) and someone starts to nudge the grappling hook off of its ledge. Thinking quickly, I draw my musket with one hand (Being a level 1 gunslinger and a Musket Master to boot, it's all I've got) and make a doppler-effect-ish scream that makes it sound like I'm falling. The guard, to my satisfaction, peeks his head over the edge to see if I've fallen, and I fire the musket one handed right into his smug face (The DM gave me less of a penalty than he should have, but given my roll, the fact that it was against his Touch and that he was probably flat footed, I still probably would have hit even with the right penalty) and successfully dodge his falling body before swinging up, reloading, and scaring his buddy off with the business end of my noisemaker. I drop the grappling hook back into the canyon, unfortunately unable to go down to see if the informant made it, but willing to give him a chance to escape again.

Spoiler: Drow are Evil (Surprise, surprise)

Show

So, fast forward to when I've reunited with the group: The guards now know my face, but since I'm an shady looking human in a city full of shady looking humans, I change my outfit a bit, which should keep me from being recognized. We kill some time while seeing if our buddy made it (Still haven't seen hide nor hair of him). I mix some new black powder (Since most of my powder was ruined with the dip I took), and, unsurprisingly, the Drow gets himself captured by the city guard.
He wakes up in a cell and manages to escape his cell and find most of his gear, killing a guard in the process. Unfortunately, the entrance is guarded. So he high tails it back to the store room where he found his gear with the plan to try and make some sort of smokescreen as a distraction to slip out of the entrance. However, in the store room he finds a bunch of unlabeled potions and a cauldron and gets a really bad idea.
He lights a fire, dumps all the potions into the cauldron. That right there probably should have been the end of it, but it surprisingly doesn't explode. And then, this happens.
Drow: "So, the corpse of that guard is still in here, right?"
DM: "Yeah, you hid it but you can dig it out of the pile of armor you left it in."
Drow: "Right. I cut off one of his hands and drop it into the potion."
DM: "Uhhh... it starts to bubble and glow."
Drow: "I cut off his other hand and put it into the cauldron."
DM: "UHHHH... it bubbles and glows even more."
Drow: "I cut off his head and put it into the cauldron."
DM: "... You hear a voice that says 'The sacrifice has been accepted, the deal has been completed,' and a grotesque looking monstrosity crawls out of the pot and asks what your bidding is."
Me: "Hey, the Drow was Chaotic Neutral, right?"
DM: "Yeah, not anymore he's not. Mark yourself as Chaotic Evil, buddy."
The Drow then realizes there's only one sensible option left: Order the demon to kill all the guards blocking his way.
Did I mention that there's still a Paladin in the party?
Anyways, that works, and the demon drags all the corpses back to the cauldron. The Drow checks the pot out and sees it has turned into a clear water that reflects the image of the guards when he looks into it. Naturally, he brings the pot along with him and sell the contents to thirsty miners outside of the city.
After the miners start exploding, he had difficulty selling his concoction, so he head back to the gate to try to get back into the city.
Drow: "I follow the Gunslinger's example that got us into the city last time and slip the guard ten gold pieces so he'll let me in. Oh, and I offer him a drink."
DM: "Yeah... the guard immediately recognizes you as the criminal Drow. The same one that was arrested and found missing in the prison massacre that was discovered while you were busy torturing those miners. He locks the gate in front of you and behind you, and twelve guards step out of side gates to apprehend you."
To be fair, the Drow went out in a blaze of glory, throwing the Horribly Unholy Water at the guards, killing five of them outright. However, the DM ruled that the most powerful Clerics and Paladins in the employ of the city had been brought in after they realized that demonic power had been used at the prison, and the 5th level Paladin cut the Drow down with little difficulty.
I was almost in the fetal position by the time it was over.

[Ike [Jgraten]]

Sir, your pathfinder story with the cliff & musket surprise blow, the rogue summoning that demon and going out in a blaze of glory... is fantastic. Thank you for sharing.

[Ferkelschwert]

Each time I come across one of these threads I feel obligated to tell this story, from the first 3.5 campaign I ever played.

A fort had been taken over by goblinoids, and we were dispatched to rout them and reclaim the property. Once we slew the goblins guarding the entrance and made it into the front hall, we made for a door off to the eastern side. As it turned out, something on the other side was blocking it off, and it wouldn't open. Several minutes were spent trying to force it open to no avail.

The commotion attracted a hobgoblin in the nearby room, who opened the door from a bloodied and battered dining room and demanded to know what the fuss was about. Our barbarian tries to coerce the big guy out of combat using Diplomacy. The cleric I was playing, being CG, took a more unorthodox approach: "We're selling these fine leather jackets..."

I made a bluff roll.

20.

"How much?" asks the hobgoblin.

Luckily, my cleric's got some studded leather armor on her, and she manages to successfully pawn it off. The hobgoblins, pleased with their purchase and having had their fill, pile out of the fortress one by one. Encounter over, and neither side had to lift a finger. To this day, I still don't know how I pulled that one off.

----

There was also that time the DM threw us up against Pazuzu, and our ranger basically held him down so the aforementioned barbarian could make demon-paste out of him. Poor guy didn't get one attack in. The flunkies took longer to dispose of than the actual boss.

[imaloony]

Sir, your pathfinder story with the cliff & musket surprise blow, the rogue summoning that demon and going out in a blaze of glory... is fantastic. Thank you for sharing.

The best part was that NONE of this was supposed to happen. At all. Us forgetting when we were supposed to meet the informant really threw the DM for a loop. He told us that the mission was supposed to have gone off without a hitch. Never underestimate player characters who ignore exposition.