More Funny D&D Stories

[Odin's Eyepatch]

So, we had spent a large part of the campaign trying to retrieve a powerful (god-killing) sword from the bad guys, and when we finally found it, we decided to make a decoy, and hide the real sword underneath a tree near the castle we were squatting in. Fastforward a few days later, and the monk, who had made up this plan, discovers that the real sword had been stolen and replaced by a crudely done stone sword, with the words SuPRIse SUprIsE written on it.

'Monk enters room, stage left'

Monk: ALERT! SOMEBODY STOLE THE SWORD! WHO DID IT?

'Enter stage right, the rest of the party, including the sorcerer known for his practical jokes'

Monk: YOU! YOU DID THIS! ADMIT IT! <half-baked garbled accusations>


'Monk runs at sorcerer and shouts in his face. Sorcerer starts denying having messed around with the valuable artefact'

Wizard: Ok, He's gone mental, I cast Reverse Gravity on him.
DM: both "Monk" and "Sorcerer" find themselves on the ceiling.
Monk: SO! AD-
Ninja (OOC): don't they take falling damage?
DM (OOC): the ceiling is low enough that I'm going to ignore it.
Ninja (OOC): Well, I stand next to them and meditate upside down.
Monk: WHY WOUL-
Sorcerer (OOC to Ninja): Is there enough space in the Reverse Gravity for you to be next to us?
Wizard (OOC): Reverse Gravity is pretty modular, I can pretty much make it just around both Monk and Sorcerer.
Ninja (OOC): I think its 10ft cubes, or something like that?
DM (OOC): Yeah, that's it.
Ninja (OOC): I think that's enough space for me to meditate next to them in the Reverse Gravity.
Wizard (OOC): Fa-
Monk: GUYS! I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THE GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION HERE!

[AGCIAS]

So, a couple of the players in my current 5th Ed. Game are REALLY avid Warhammer players. Vast armies, constantly working with new armies and painting new minis (the DM is incredible in painting and modifying figures). So I repeated a quote from here:
"Warhammer 40K: Where the faction that is a cross between the Inquisition and Space Nazis are the good guys."

They looked at me blankly for a couple of seconds then started from denial, "No, that's not ...", to acceptance, " I guess that's right". I think I may have injured their Warhammer bone.

[GuesssWho]

I've never seen the Imperium as the good guys.

[Inevitability]

Warhammer has good guys?

[Cazero]

With litteraly quintillions of new people being born every day, statistically, at least few of them must be good.
Right?

[Inevitability]

With litteraly quintillions of new people being born every day, statistically, at least few of them must be good.
Right?

I wouldn't put it past some of the factions to genetically engineer away compassion and other such things.

[GuesssWho]

I wouldn't put it past some of the factions to genetically engineer away compassion and other such things.

Including the Imperium.

[Cazero]

Well, duh, that one is a given.
They're the last hope of humanity and are called Space Marines.

[GuesssWho]

Sounds like you have a very low opinion of humanity LOL

. . . join the club.

[p_johnston]

In the fifth edition campaign I was running a few months ago I decided to give my characters fun cursed items. The party rouge (Malcom) had boots of elvenkind that wouldn't let him retreat, The Monk (Ram) had a wand of cure light wounds that occasionally rolled on a specialized "chaos table" I devised, The Wizard (Gledon Weck) had a magic rope that liked to strangle people, things of that nature.

One of my players (Nicknamed Lucky) had just rolled up a new character, and I let him pick from the hat to get his new cursed item (the hat had a believe three choices left at the time). He picked the Iron Flask. The only description of the flask they could get was "normally these flask are able to entirely contain whatever entity is within. For some reason this one seems to emanate magic almost like it's not entirely able to hold whatever is inside." Every other member of the group immediately tells lucky "do not open the flask." "You shouldn't open the flask." "The flask is the last possible resort."

So at the end of the session, just before we wrap up, Lucky pulls me aside and we go outside to talk. After a few minutes me and lucky enter back into the apartment and I turn to the rest of the group "so the city is being attacked by a Balor...."

[GuesssWho]

Oh Christ.

. . . I'd have gone with something even worse, though. Like a Great Old One.

[Orangeboy2]

So I've got an interesting one. We are playing D&D 2nd edition and have gotten a quest that has lead us to this building called the Colossus. It is a huge, HUGE statue of a man sitting pretty much in the middle of nowhere that was rumored to kill everyone who entered. We go in, obviously, and one of our party members missed a saving throw and turns to dust by touching the door handle. (This guy had been complaining about how he hated his character, so the DM gave him a magical door as a way to introduce a new one. We used detect magic, it was a magic door, not simply a door with a ward on it.) Anyway, he introduces a new character and we enter without problem, hearing the door close behind us. We start making our way through the Colossus, and find many things, but only three relevant to this story. The first was a magical fountain thing that took its water directly from the elemental plane of water, basically a never ending world of water and fish things. The second is a mage we had met before that said specifically "Do whatever you want in here, but DON'T DESTROY THE LIBRARY!", and the last were some empty barrels.

Anyway we get up to the head of this thing and find a fire elemental waiting for us. We try to fight it, and get absolutely trashed due to some bad rolls and having spent most of our spells for the day. So, we decide that hey, the door at the bottom is magical right? And we have a pool of unlimited water right? And there is a fire elemental at the top of this dungeon right? Sooo we break the edge of the portal to the elemental plane of water, wait for the entire building to fill up with water, get in barrels and wait for the water to kill the elemental. Then we break the eyes of the Colossus, which was made of some thin gem like material, and climb down the face of the statue with our fighter's very convenient mountaineering proficiency and equipment. Yeah, needless to say we destroyed the library and got that wizard really pissed at us, but it was worth it.

[ReaderAt2046]

So, a couple of the players in my current 5th Ed. Game are REALLY avid Warhammer players. Vast armies, constantly working with new armies and painting new minis (the DM is incredible in painting and modifying figures). So I repeated a quote from here:
"Warhammer 40K: Where the faction that is a cross between the Inquisition and Space Nazis are the good guys."

They looked at me blankly for a couple of seconds then started from denial, "No, that's not ...", to acceptance, " I guess that's right". I think I may have injured their Warhammer bone.

SQUEE!!!

[Hawkstar]

Well, duh, that one is a given.
They're the last hope of humanity and are called Space Marines.

Ironically, the Space Marines tend to be quite compassionate, at least if Dawn of War is anything to go by.

That is something I've notices about Warhammer 40k - The people themselves tend to not be bad (Unless they're corrupted by chaos). But the insidious, corrupting nature of Chaos, and sheer amount of distrust it creates, makes the awfulness mandatory. Oh yeah, and the sheer scale of everything happens to be a force-multiplier for human flaws.

[AGCIAS]

Oh yeah, and the sheer scale of everything happens to be a force-multiplier for human flaws.

That certainly does seem to be a trope in science fiction. At least in writing. In reality, it seems that it is only a force multiplier for incompetence.

[Darth Tom]

Guy at my Shadows of Brimstone game told this story about some D&D he played about 20 years ago that I just had to share.

He and a friend both had some quite optimised characters: he was a high level half-orc barbarian, and his friend was a gnome illusionist/rogue. They were playing for the first time with two guys who were ridiculously high level and optimised: to give you a flavour, the relevant character was a level 20+ elf fighter/mage with Gauntlets of Ogre Power, a Belt of Storm Giant Strength and the Hammer of Thunder; three items that allowed their respective insane bonuses to stack. Serious guys. To picture the OOC scene, throughout the story they are in the same room, passing notes to the DM for anything they don't want the other players to know.

Having battled their way through a complex, trap-laden maze filled with monsters, they encountered the final boss who was some kind of lich. In the room was a statue with a gem that was the objective of the adventure. Epic battle ensures, during the course of which the gnome decides to quietly steal and hide the gem. Battle finishes, and the characters find the gem isn't there and start searching the room. My friend is genuinely searching like the others, but as you can imagine the gnome is half-heartedly peeking under carpets and similar. Suspicion is aroused when the gnome's player starts giggling uncontrollably. Furious recriminations ensure and before long both the half-orc and the gnome are fleeing back through the maze with the other two casting up spectral mounts and such to pursue them.

Running away won't do the trick, so the gnome casts an illusion of a tunnel with a closed portcullis, with the two characters fleeing at the other end. [This is cast on a solid wall with solid rock behind it (edited because the original was unclear).]

The elf sees this, tries to lift the "gate" with his sheer strength. No luck.

Tries to use magic to bend the metal. No luck.

Teleports to the other side of the gate.

Dies instantly.

They weren't invited back.

[goto124]

Teleports to the other side of the gate.

Dies instantly.

They weren't invited back.

... dies instantly? How and why?

[Cazero]

... dies instantly? How and why?

Illusory gate on a wall. Death by teleporting in solid matter. Many possible causes. Stuck in the rock, unable to breathe or do anything, and dies slowly and horribly. Or the entire body dissolve in solid rock instantly.

[goto124]

So the illusion was on a wall. That explains a bit.

... I didn't know it was even possible to teleport into solid matter.

[dehro]

Wile E. Coyote springs to mind..


my previous 3.5 character, a half minotaur warblade, was abandoned by his fellow party members in somewhat cowardly fashion.
we needed to teleport to safety and had to split up into two groups because not one caster was high level enough to transport us all.
I was transported by a sorceress who was using someone else's magic wand, with abysmal results... we ended up somewhere in the clutches of a white dragon. to escape that, we jumped somewhere else again.. landing right next to a pit containing an unknown menace. I readied my weapons, the sorceress readied her action.. I was grabbed by an enormous scorpion, dragged out of her reach and she decided to take the hint and teleport without waiting for me to try and free myself.
my half- minotaur was nibbled to death.

fast forward to last friday, with my 2 sessions old character... we are getting collectively trounced by a party of giants led by one who has a constant field of antimagic centered upon himself. The cowardly sorceress bites it and gets plastered upon the nearest wall. To escape a similar faith, the beguiler in the party decides to teleport us all away. We spend the next round getting in reach and "touching" one another to form the teleport chain.. Except the beguiler has missed one crucial bit of info.. one of our tanks had increased its size to better stand up against the giants. large creatures count for two when teleported...
and he couldn't teleport us all.
the DM decided to assing a number to each of the teleported characters.
not for a second did I believe the die roll wouldn't turn up my number.

of course everybody vamoosed and I was left standing there, having spent my action for the round getting in reach of the spell. Next up are the giants... half a dozen of them....

[Hawkstar]

So the illusion was on a wall. That explains a bit.

... I didn't know it was even possible to teleport into solid matter.

In most modern editions, it's not. You take damage and are shunted to nearest place.

Frankly, I'm seeing a case of "How dare someone have a more powerful character than me!"

[The Random NPC]

In most modern editions, it's not. You take damage and are shunted to nearest place.

Frankly, I'm seeing a case of "How dare someone have a more powerful character than me!"

It seems like the story was 2e, in which if you did, you died automatically.

[Vertharrad]

So the illusion was on a wall. That explains a bit.

... I didn't know it was even possible to teleport into solid matter.

It's december 2015...20 years ago was 1995, 3rd edition came out 2000(I know because I "cut my teeth" on RPG's with DnD in the latter end of 2.5 in 1997, bought a dragon or two and found found out about the future release of 3e)...so 2e wherein you could teleport into solid objects((such as stone or a wall, etc.) and die.

[Hamste]

Guy at my Shadows of Brimstone game told this story about some D&D he played about 20 years ago that I just had to share.

He and a friend both had some quite optimised characters: he was a high level half-orc barbarian, and his friend was a gnome illusionist/rogue. They were playing for the first time with two guys who were ridiculously high level and optimised: to give you a flavour, the relevant character was a level 20+ elf fighter/mage with Gauntlets of Ogre Power, a Belt of Storm Giant Strength and the Hammer of Thunder; three items that allowed their respective insane bonuses to stack. Serious guys. To picture the OOC scene, throughout the story they are in the same room, passing notes to the DM for anything they don't want the other players to know.

Having battled their way through a complex, trap-laden maze filled with monsters, they encountered the final boss who was some kind of lich. In the room was a statue with a gem that was the objective of the adventure. Epic battle ensures, during the course of which the gnome decides to quietly steal and hide the gem. Battle finishes, and the characters find the gem isn't there and start searching the room. My friend is genuinely searching like the others, but as you can imagine the gnome is half-heartedly peeking under carpets and similar. Suspicion is aroused when the gnome's player starts giggling uncontrollably. Furious recriminations ensure and before long both the half-orc and the gnome are fleeing back through the maze with the other two casting up spectral mounts and such to pursue them.

Running away won't do the trick, so the gnome casts an illusion of a tunnel with a closed portcullis, with the two characters fleeing at the other end. [This is cast on a solid wall with solid rock behind it (edited because the original was unclear).]

The elf sees this, tries to lift the "gate" with his sheer strength. No luck.

Tries to use magic to bend the metal. No luck.

Teleports to the other side of the gate.

Dies instantly.

They weren't invited back.

So the gnome steals the macguffin, the two optimized characters gets annoyed, the gnome flees with the macguffin, the gnome then initiates pvp (Which it is, it might not have been a direct attack on the characters but it was done to kill them) to kill the optimized characters and somehow it was the optimized characters fault?

[GuesssWho]

It is when they're totally disrupting the atmosphere and the fun, which it seems like they were.

[illyahr]

Honestly, I was hearing Yakety Sax playing in the background while reading that story.

[Vanima Del Ray]

I was once a dm of a group where one character spoke muscle, and the harpooned a porpoise turning it into a narwhal n threw it at a dire shark....still not sure how much damage a large porpoise stuffed with a spear would deal to be honest

[illyahr]

I was once a dm of a group where one character spoke muscle, and the harpooned a porpoise turning it into a narwhal n threw it at a dire shark....still not sure how much damage a large porpoise stuffed with a spear would deal to be honest

Enough to fend off a dire shark, obviously.

[Vanima Del Ray]

Enough to fend off a dire shark, obviously.

Yup lol that was a fun night, maybe I should try that in Thursdays game??

[illyahr]

Yup lol that was a fun night, maybe I should try that in Thursdays game??

Whoa, there. Remember some of the core tennets of being a DM:
Never plan on the players doing something, they won't.
Never plan on the players not doing something, they will.