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  1. - Top - End - #1051
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    GnomeWizardGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    I was once in a group playing a 5th edition campaign. The DM had us going through this vampire's castle in an alternate dimension, and we had to get the vampire's heart to return to our world. After a few sessions, we managed to reach the vampire's chamber. But only half of the party came to the session. There was
    Me: Wood Elf Ranger, 8th level
    Ethan: Half Elf Paladin, 8th level
    Blake: High Elf Wizard, 9th level

    So there we were, fighting for our lives. Blake was blasting the vampire with every fire spell he had, and Ethan had a flame tongue blade, so they dealt a lot of damage. I was standing in the corner, firing off useless shots with my bow. I decided that improvisation was needed.

    Me: "So, you know how if you hold up a magnifying glass to the sun, you can focus the light and start a fire?"
    DM: "Yeah..."
    Me: "Well, my telescope is a lot more powerful than a magnifying glass, so I hold a torch up to one end and point it at the vampire."

    The DM decided that my solution was creative, and he let it work. I dealt 40 damage with DND's first laser beam.

  2. - Top - End - #1052
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    RangerGuy

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    Dec 2014

    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Does it work IRL though?

  3. - Top - End - #1053
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    HalflingRogueGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Probably not. You need high energy to ignite stuff, and a torch just doesn't provide that energy as light. It provide it as fire.
    Yes, I am slightly egomaniac. Why didn't you ask?

    Free haiku !
    Alas, poor Cookie
    The world needs more platypi
    I wish you could be


    Quote Originally Posted by Fyraltari
    Also this isn’t D&D, flaming the troll doesn’t help either.

  4. - Top - End - #1054
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    NecromancerGuy

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    Jul 2014

    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by goto124 View Post
    Does it work IRL though?
    If it did, operating any sort of magnifying lense during the day (or even in proximity of any source of light) would be highly dangerous - which it isn't.

  5. - Top - End - #1055
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Goblin

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    It would not work IRL, for two reasons. One, there would not be enough light. The sun is several orders of magnitude brighter than a torch, and it can still be tricky to start a fire with sunlight. Second, the sort of telescopes that would be available with medieval or renaissance technology has a convex and a concave lens. Only concave lenses can start fires by focusing light, and convex lenses scatter light. You would need to dismantle the telescope, and use the proper lens to focus the light.

    That being said, I think it's an awesome idea and it's really cool of your DM for allowing it

  6. - Top - End - #1056
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    SwashbucklerGuy

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    Jun 2015

    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    I see the temptation, but I don't think I would have let it fly. And certainly never more than once. :)
    Last week I had to be in a Christmas parade ... in a suit (attorney). And to make it in time I had to leave (and come back) in the middle of the game. So I warned the DM of this and that I would have to show up for the game in a suit. I said I hope no one minded. This is what happened.

    DM: Josh (another player) has a crippling fear of suits.
    Me: S**t! I'll leave the jacket in the car.
    DM: He is in a frenzied panic just over me mentioning you will be in a suit. Dear God! He's beating the neighbor children mercilessly.
    Me: DJ (my wife) says she will send him some meds (She is a psychologist but married me anyway). Alternately, I could just take all my clothes off.
    DM: Three cars are now on fire.

    At this point DJ and I are both about rolling on the floor. The next day rain took out the parade so I didn't have to go in a suit. I told the DM that.

    DM: That's good, my neighbors will be happy their children will be safe.

    This weekend I'm going to take a suit with me.

  7. - Top - End - #1057
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    GnomeWizardGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    In the same campaign as earlier, we had moved to a different parallel universe. In this world, there was a demon raising a powerful army which we had to stop. We were told that a powerful lich would be joining the army soon, and we needed to stop him. We found a point in the forest where we could ambush his carriage, and set up.

    As soon as the carriage approached, we blasted it with fire and oil and everything we had. I shot one of the guards, but only dealt 10 damage. The wizard laughed at me, and I silently fumed.

    Unfortunately, the lich had turned invisible and began to bombard us with spells. We began to frantically search for him. The barbarian had an interesting tactic.

    Greyson: "I use my helmet to fly up, chug as much alcohol as I can, and pee everywhere!"
    DM: "Fine, make an dumba$$ check."
    Greyson: rolls "Natural 20!"

    So the barbarian peed out 50 square feet of urine, and still didn't find the lich.

    After some more searching, we finally found the lich and unleashed everything on him. My turn came, and everyone the wizard said that he thought I would do another 10 damage or some other pathetic number. So I activated all my buffs, and proceeded to deal 100 damage to the lich. Who's mr 10 damage now, wizard?

  8. - Top - End - #1058
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Goblin

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    I guess I have a few stories as well.

    Spoiler: Rogue silliness
    Show

    So, last week, in the 5e game I'm in, we were looking into some suspicious activity in a graveyard. Turns out to be a necromancer's lab. Thankfully they aren't home, since we're all level 1 or 2. We defeat a bunch of skeletons in one room, go down some stairs, and find ourselves in the necromancer's workshop. We see a note from the necro to their assistant giving instructions to put some ingredients into a pot.

    Our brilliant rogue follows the directions, and the 5 skeletons we just fought resurrect.

    We roll initiative and do well. The skeletons are trying to come down the stairs, so I plant my warlock directly in front of the stairs. And then none of the skeletons are able to beat my puny AC12. So our party is able to snipe them, since apparently they are chivalrous skeletons that won't hit a lady (character is girl).

    So we go on to the next room, and there are some zombies and some magic glyphs on the wall that are buffing the zombies. We go into combat, and the rogue throws his dagger at one of the glyphs, destroying it. My turn, I use my bonus action to give the rogue my daggers. Bard does the same. Eventually we win.

    After the fight, we tell the rogue he can keep the daggers if he wants, since the bard and I have better ranged attacks. So now the rogue has 5 or 6 daggers. We go back into town, and I ask the DM if I can go shopping. I have about 150 gold, and the bard is the only one of us who can heal, so I figure a couple of healing potions would be nice, along with a few other things. Meanwhile, the rogue looks at prices in the PHB, and realizes that daggers are really cheap. So now he has 15 daggers strapped to himself. Needless to say, everyone is watching us very carefully, especially since the bard has already gotten into trouble with the law.

    Spoiler: Gentleman's agreement
    Show

    Bandits can be surprisingly polite sometimes.

    Same group, I'm playing the same character, but the rogue wasn't there for this session, and we had a few players that weren't there for the necromancer. We were told that someone was trying to buy a dragon egg. Apparently this buyer resembles our monk, so we were sent by the authorities to "buy" the egg with fake diamonds, and slip a pin with a tracking spell onto the seller. We do this, and after the seller has left and we are about to leave ourselves, a half orc steps out of a building and stops us.

    Turns out that his group had heard of the deal, and wanted the egg. I try for an intimidation check and fail. Turns out he had a bunch of people hidden nearby. So now we have a mob of bandits.

    One of us, I forget who, tries a persuasion check and makes it. So they ask the bandit leader, "How about we settle this like gentlemen? We pick our strongest fighter, you pick yours, and they have a boxing match, winner gets the egg?" Their leader agrees and steps forward, saying he is the strongest in his group. We send our monk out. The egg is placed to the side

    At this point, I ask the obvious question. "How do we know that your men won't just take the egg and run?"

    "I give you my word."
    "That's not their word."
    "Men?"
    In unison, the bandits jump to attention and say "We will not touch the egg unless you win, SIR!"

    Now our dragonborn decides he wants a side wager. The bandit's men agree, so now both sides also have 10 gold riding on this fight.

    I don't know what the bandit's stats were, but he was a half-orc, so he probably had high strength and constitution. Our monk was level 1, as were the rest of us. Needless to say, our monk was defeated. The bandit grabs the egg and looks at it. The DM rolls a spot check for him in front of us, nat 20.

    "Huh. Did you realize that this is a fake? I guess I have no use for it. I suppose I might let it go for 20 gold if you still want it."

    We were told to bring the egg back, and promised 200 for it, so even after losing 10 on the bet and 20 for the egg, we would come out ahead. So we agreed and shook hands with the bandit. As we are leaving, he says "That was a good fight. If I ever run into you folks at a bar, remind me to buy you a drink."

    Nicest bandits I've ever met.

  9. - Top - End - #1059
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Griffon

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by Madbox View Post
    I guess I have a few stories as well.

    Spoiler: Rogue silliness
    Show

    So, last week, in the 5e game I'm in, we were looking into some suspicious activity in a graveyard. Turns out to be a necromancer's lab. Thankfully they aren't home, since we're all level 1 or 2. We defeat a bunch of skeletons in one room, go down some stairs, and find ourselves in the necromancer's workshop. We see a note from the necro to their assistant giving instructions to put some ingredients into a pot.

    Our brilliant rogue follows the directions, and the 5 skeletons we just fought resurrect.

    We roll initiative and do well. The skeletons are trying to come down the stairs, so I plant my warlock directly in front of the stairs. And then none of the skeletons are able to beat my puny AC12. So our party is able to snipe them, since apparently they are chivalrous skeletons that won't hit a lady (character is girl).

    So we go on to the next room, and there are some zombies and some magic glyphs on the wall that are buffing the zombies. We go into combat, and the rogue throws his dagger at one of the glyphs, destroying it. My turn, I use my bonus action to give the rogue my daggers. Bard does the same. Eventually we win.

    After the fight, we tell the rogue he can keep the daggers if he wants, since the bard and I have better ranged attacks. So now the rogue has 5 or 6 daggers. We go back into town, and I ask the DM if I can go shopping. I have about 150 gold, and the bard is the only one of us who can heal, so I figure a couple of healing potions would be nice, along with a few other things. Meanwhile, the rogue looks at prices in the PHB, and realizes that daggers are really cheap. So now he has 15 daggers strapped to himself. Needless to say, everyone is watching us very carefully, especially since the bard has already gotten into trouble with the law.

    Spoiler: Gentleman's agreement
    Show

    Bandits can be surprisingly polite sometimes.

    Same group, I'm playing the same character, but the rogue wasn't there for this session, and we had a few players that weren't there for the necromancer. We were told that someone was trying to buy a dragon egg. Apparently this buyer resembles our monk, so we were sent by the authorities to "buy" the egg with fake diamonds, and slip a pin with a tracking spell onto the seller. We do this, and after the seller has left and we are about to leave ourselves, a half orc steps out of a building and stops us.

    Turns out that his group had heard of the deal, and wanted the egg. I try for an intimidation check and fail. Turns out he had a bunch of people hidden nearby. So now we have a mob of bandits.

    One of us, I forget who, tries a persuasion check and makes it. So they ask the bandit leader, "How about we settle this like gentlemen? We pick our strongest fighter, you pick yours, and they have a boxing match, winner gets the egg?" Their leader agrees and steps forward, saying he is the strongest in his group. We send our monk out. The egg is placed to the side

    At this point, I ask the obvious question. "How do we know that your men won't just take the egg and run?"

    "I give you my word."
    "That's not their word."
    "Men?"
    In unison, the bandits jump to attention and say "We will not touch the egg unless you win, SIR!"

    Now our dragonborn decides he wants a side wager. The bandit's men agree, so now both sides also have 10 gold riding on this fight.

    I don't know what the bandit's stats were, but he was a half-orc, so he probably had high strength and constitution. Our monk was level 1, as were the rest of us. Needless to say, our monk was defeated. The bandit grabs the egg and looks at it. The DM rolls a spot check for him in front of us, nat 20.

    "Huh. Did you realize that this is a fake? I guess I have no use for it. I suppose I might let it go for 20 gold if you still want it."

    We were told to bring the egg back, and promised 200 for it, so even after losing 10 on the bet and 20 for the egg, we would come out ahead. So we agreed and shook hands with the bandit. As we are leaving, he says "That was a good fight. If I ever run into you folks at a bar, remind me to buy you a drink."

    Nicest bandits I've ever met.
    Heh, all of my characters carry at least two daggers; never know when you're gonna need to cut your way out of a Purple Wyrm stomach or something :)

    And those bandits sound great!
    Campaign Log (updated May 12, 2016)! http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showt...d-other-tales)

  10. - Top - End - #1060
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    RangerGuy

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    Dec 2014

    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Do daggers break?

  11. - Top - End - #1061
    Dwarf in the Playground
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    May 2007

    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Not with normal use, but you'd be surprised how often you end up losing them if you're in the habit of throwing your knives.

  12. - Top - End - #1062
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    RedWizardGuy

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    Jan 2016

    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Alright I just finished reading the original thread and I suppose Ill get around to reading this one now but it's my time to tell a story.
    I'll start off with a campaign I Dm'd. 5E pleb here.
    Our second level party had just escaped from a newly formed plane of existence and had been resurrected after the BBEG had killed them all. (Lich vs lvl1's will do that; don't worry it was for story driving.) They had arrived in a small town and automatically decided to go drinking. In the party we have a dimwitted hermit barbarian goliath, a racist human fighter, and a gullible gnome druid. The barbarian proceeded to have his first drinks ever and got remarkably drunk, having just learned that the gnome could transform into a goat he begged her too until she finally agreed to. She walked out of the inn and returned a moment later as a goat, a rampaging goat. All the patrons started laughing as the furious dwarven Innkeeper started chasing this goat over tables and chairs, the Goliath too drunk to walk sat laughing his guts off unaware of what the human was about to do. When the Innkeeper pinned the goat down, the human had grabbed one of the halfling bartenders and tied him too the goat, then pushed the Innkeeper off of the druid and slapped her on the butt. Now the goat and the unfortunate halfling were rampaging through the Inn. Eventually the Druid changed back into a gnome and had an interesting time explaining the situation to the dazed halfling.
    Some of the best downtime I've ever had.

  13. - Top - End - #1063
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    GuesssWho's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Remember my tale of James, the most inept drow ever? Well, apparently he died twice in one game last night, and finally ended up with no face.

    It was something about kissing Orcus. I don't know what the **** possessed him to do that, but then he's a bit of an idiot.
    Cthulhu fhtagn R'lyeh!
    Quote Originally Posted by Nerd-o-rama View Post
    There were other programs that were deleted, but they either go quietly or spend the rest of their existence sitting around babbling about causality. Smith's different. He gets deleted and he's like "Hell no, I'm staying. And I'll steal your kernel privileges and spam copies of myself onto every last thing on the hard disk. How d'you like that?"
    Degeneration 91
    Homebrew:
    Anglermaids

    Wendigo Race
    -Complicated Wendigo Race
    False Hydra (Goblin Punch)

  14. - Top - End - #1064
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Alex12's Avatar

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    Sep 2007

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    Spoiler: That time I accidentally trivialized what the GM intended to be an epic battle
    Show

    We were playing Pathfinder. We're a small group to begin with, normally 3 party members, and one of them had IRL issues, so it was just the two of us. We're partial gestalt, level 8//6. I, the melee guy, am a unicorn Zweihander Sentinel Empyreal Guardian Warder//Aegis. My party member is an aasimar Kineticist Psion//Tactician. The two of us are trying to overthrow a tyrannical government that's a thinly-veiled reference to Communist Russia, and our current goal is to decapitate the secret police organization.

    We manage to get inside the building on false pretenses, and make our way to meeting with the heads of the secret police. But, before we are permitted in through the locked door they're on the other side of, they communicate with us through a magic mirror used for that purpose. Apparently, they've dispatched runners to look into our backgrounds. Since our story will not hold up to serious investigation, we decide "heck with it, we're close enough. We can brute-force it from here."
    Looking at our resources, we've got a couple options. I know Impaling Strike, which ignores hardness, and so could probably just chop the door down, or at least cut the lock apart. Alternately, my buddy knows Breach, which is the psionic version of Knock. We go with the second one, on the basis that it's probably faster and quieter than chopping the thick wooden door open with my greatsword. The door turns out to be magically locked, but my buddy beats the caster level check and the door opens. Since I'm much tougher than he is, I take point. I walk into the room, greatsword drawn, and announce that we're going to end the secret police. The heads of the secret police, obviously, take exception to that, and open up with everything they've got.

    Turns out there's six of them. One of them opens up on me with a power that we both recognize as Ego Whip. I pass my Will save.
    "You know I have Stalwart, right?"
    So, instead of a reduced amount of Charisma damage, I completely ignore the effect, like if I had Evasion and saved against a Fireball.
    My buddy is next, and he activates a defensive power (Energy Retort) that makes it so the first time he gets hit with an attack each round, the attacker eats a 4d6 ice blast.
    Next is some more enemies. After another Ego Whip utterly fails, they switch over to Reflex-half energy attacks
    "You know I have Evasion too, right?"
    They also discover during this time that I have Combat Reflexes (keyed off Int rather than Dex), that my reach for purposes of AoO is 10 feet, and that I can hit them on anything that isn't a natural 1.
    Within 2 rounds, half of them are incapacitated or dead, and the other 3 are fleeing for their lives. Then my buddy uses a power that's basically Psionic Entangle, slowing them down. They're still trying to escape, but I'd have to move through the area.
    "You know I can fly, right?"

    And then it turned out that they were all level 3 psions, and the GM's expected plan was to have them spam Ego Whip at me until ultimately I fell down from that (since normally it still deals some Charisma damage even on a successful save) and then there'd be an epic battle between my buddy and however many psions I wasn't able to take down before getting worn down. Thank gods I built with the intention to survive anything anyone throws at me.
    Quote Originally Posted by Time Blossom View Post
    And then you wrote about it on your livejournal, dyed your hair black and started taking warlock levels.

  15. - Top - End - #1065
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    SwashbucklerGuy

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    Apr 2015

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    Spoiler: A Series of Unfortunate Events
    Show
    The game is Dark Heresy. The characters involved are a Hive world Scum and a Voidborn Psyker (mine). The Psyker has been captured by pirates, and held prisoner for ransom. The Scum concocts a scheme in which he could join the pirate crew, earn their trust and then get the Psyker free.

    He joins the crew easily enough, and within about five minutes of joining the crew, manages to annoy the Captain. Captain, being an understanding sort and considering this is the guy's first day, has him lashed. Scum's player tells the GM, that he'll endure the lashes stoically to show the pirate crew that he's a tough guy and can handle it. GM tells him to roll a toughness test.

    ....He rolls a 100 (Dark Heresy equivalent of a 1), and spends the lashing, screaming in a high pitched tone at the top of his lungs for the entire duration. The pirates at this point officially rename the Scum "Sally".

    Humiliated but still determined, he overhears a group of pirates talking about how they're planning on going down to the ship's brig and beating up the Psyker to let off some steam. "Sally" asks to join in on the fun, figuring he can use this to learn ways to bust my Psyker out. He tags along, runs into my Psyker in the cells, and, being the new guy, the pirates let him take the first crack at my Psyker.

    My Psyker, not knowing what's going on, but wanting to help the Scum build rep with the crew, doesn't resist as the Scum takes a full charging swing at my Psyker, completely overloading the Scum with bonuses.....

    And the Scum misses. More than misses, he actually injures his hand, hitting the wall behind my Psyker. So he takes another swing. And misses again. Then takes a third swing-- again, on a completely compliant target... and misses a THIRD time. Absolutely disgusted with the Scum's performance, my Psyker throws a quick headbutt, trying to piss him off, thinking the Scum's trying not to hurt him because they're comrades.

    I roll a hit and then maximum damage on the headbutt, basically flooring the Scum. The Scum gets up, takes a FOURTH swing on, again, an unresisting target, and misses AGAIN. At this point, the pirates are laughing themselves to death, the Scum gets furious at his humiliation and pulls a gun on them.

    ...About five minutes later, the Scum's sitting in a cell next to an incredibly annoyed Psyker who cannot believe that THIS was their rescue attempt.

  16. - Top - End - #1066
    Pixie in the Playground
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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Boy have I got one.
    Spoiler: The Most Evil Paladin
    Show

    So we are playing Reign of Winter and I'm playing a Paladin. And I built him to the the face of the party. Bunch of Charisma, and high
    diplomacy. Y'know to talk his way out of combat.

    So we get hooked into this adventure to help this woman (Nidya) deal with the Winter Guards that have shown up at he village and taken
    everyone there captive. Now of course Lyons (the Paladin) isn't about to let that happen, so after a few clever maneuvers we manage to kill
    most of the guards except the Captn (I gave them multiple opportunities to surrender and no one took me up on it.)

    So we need any information about who these people work for we can get. the rest of the party decides to head downstairs to release the prisoners
    and I'm supposed to stay up with this Captain and try to talk stuff over with him. Ya know like a good Paladin. Well eventually he says that if he tells me anything there's a piece of magic ice that will kill him slowly and painfully by burrowing into his heart. And he's most likely going to die anyway for failing his mission. So Lyons cuts a deal with him. He says tell me what you know and I can make your death quick and painless, it's the only mercy I can give you. He agrees, tells me what he can and I cut off his head...right as the rest of the party enters the room.

    After that the rest of the party decides to have a little fun with Lyons so. So everywhere we go, they always tell about the Evil Darth Lyons who spreads mayhem and choas. And the tales get worse every time they tell them. First it was killing a man in cold blood, then it was killing twenty, then it was burning down an orphange, then 5, then 20. Then I ate people. then I ate children. And that was before the trickster god showed up.

    So this god *cough* Loki *cough* comes to Lyons, who's just resigned to people fleeing in terror from him at this point, and decides to screw with
    him a little more. So he gives Lyons some boons.
    Boon 1: Lyons has permanent undetectable alignment (to deal with that pesky paladin aura)
    Boon 2: No matter what armor Lyons dons it will always take on the form of an ebony armor decked out with in images of skulls and adorned with spikes (This is an illusion)
    Boon 3: Whenever Lyons uses Smite Evil his sword erupts to crackling flames with children's faces screaming in anguish about his supposed foul deeds. Y'know stuff like "He ate my father, He laughed as he watched me burn." (Also an illusion)

    So our party had to do some planes hopping, and everywhere we go, the party is telling these stories (which have only gotten worse, overlord of the planes of sacrificed virgins and child cannibalism are the most current) and my paladin now looks the part.

    At the rate I'm going Lyons is going to go down in history as the most evil force to walk the earth.
    Last edited by Splyth; 2016-02-10 at 09:38 PM.

  17. - Top - End - #1067
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    GuesssWho's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by Splyth View Post
    Boy have I got one.
    Spoiler: The Most Evil Paladin
    Show

    So we are playing Reign of Winter and I'm playing a Paladin. And I built him to the the face of the party. Bunch of Charisma, and high
    diplomacy. Y'know to talk his way out of combat.

    So we get hooked into this adventure to help this woman (Nidya) deal with the Winter Guards that have shown up at he village and taken
    everyone there captive. Now of course Lyons (the Paladin) isn't about to let that happen, so after a few clever maneuvers we manage to kill
    most of the guards except the Captn (I gave them multiple opportunities to surrender and no one took me up on it.)

    So we need any information about who these people work for we can get. the rest of the party decides to head downstairs to release the prisoners
    and I'm supposed to stay up with this Captain and try to talk stuff over with him. Ya know like a good Paladin. Well eventually he says that if he tells me anything there's a piece of magic ice that will kill him slowly and painfully by burrowing into his heart. And he's most likely going to die anyway for failing his mission. So Lyons cuts a deal with him. He says tell me what you know and I can make your death quick and painless, it's the only mercy I can give you. He agrees, tells me what he can and I cut off his head...right as the rest of the party enters the room.

    After that the rest of the party decides to have a little fun with Lyons so. So everywhere we go, they always tell about the Evil Darth Lyons who spreads mayhem and choas. And the tales get worse every time they tell them. First it was killing a man in cold blood, then it was killing twenty, then it was burning down an orphange, then 5, then 20. Then I ate people. then I ate children. And that was before the trickster god showed up.

    So this god *cough* Loki *cough* comes to Lyons, who's just resigned to people fleeing in terror from him at this point, and decides to screw with
    him a little more. So he gives Lyons some boons.
    Boon 1: Lyons has permanent undetectable alignment (to deal with that pesky paladin aura)
    Boon 2: No matter what armor Lyons dons it will always take on the form of an ebony armor decked out with in images of skulls and adorned with spikes (This is an illusion)
    Boon 3: Whenever Lyons uses Smite Evil his sword erupts to crackling flames with children's faces screaming in anguish about his supposed foul deeds. Y'know stuff like "He ate my father, He laughed as he watched me burn." (Also an illusion)

    So our party had to do some planes hopping, and everywhere we go, the party is telling these stories (which have only gotten worse, overlord of the planes of sacrificed virgins and child cannibalism are the most current) and my paladin now looks the part.

    At the rate I'm going Lyons is going to go down in history as the most evil force to walk the earth.
    This is why Loki is the best Norse god, he has a damn sense of humor.
    Cthulhu fhtagn R'lyeh!
    Quote Originally Posted by Nerd-o-rama View Post
    There were other programs that were deleted, but they either go quietly or spend the rest of their existence sitting around babbling about causality. Smith's different. He gets deleted and he's like "Hell no, I'm staying. And I'll steal your kernel privileges and spam copies of myself onto every last thing on the hard disk. How d'you like that?"
    Degeneration 91
    Homebrew:
    Anglermaids

    Wendigo Race
    -Complicated Wendigo Race
    False Hydra (Goblin Punch)

  18. - Top - End - #1068
    Pixie in the Playground
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    Excuse the grammar: I'm on my phone

    Ok…this is the story of Don the (un)official bard.

    Background: Don was an half angel (a home brew race created by our DM) and a spell fencer (a home brew class also created by our DM. A spell fencer is basically someone who adds enchantments to their weapons and are designed to be a counter to spell casters). He has high intelligence and strength, and slightly above average stats everywhere else but charisma, having an 11. Due to his background, he is allowed proficiency in one instrument. I picked the acoustic guitar. This happened in a 5e session. Also, cell crystals were introduced, which acted as modern sending stones, allowing you to save up to twenty contacts each. There was also a new mechanic known as "musical battles." Basically, you attack each other with music and magic until someone's HP drops to 0. HP was represented by "reputation," which you earned from either performing in public (but unless you crit or do a legit concert, the amount earned is very little) or by beating other bards. You can bet a certain amount of reputation to serve as your HP. If you win, you gain half the reputation your opponent bet and they loose all theirs. Vice versa happens if you loose.

    The party (the other two don't really affect the story).

    Don
    Balvizard: a bronze dragonborn. He has high accuracy with a bow, but low intelligence. He is a ranger.
    Shadow: a high elf ranger who has the worst of luck.

    Story: It all began in a small town known as Silver Wood. Holding true to its name, the whole town was made of silver wood. We were just passing through, attempting escort an half elf to a big city (Argus). However, due to the fact that I did not buy a guitar earlier (due to a shortage of gold), I attempted to find one cheaply. A man sold a silver one to Don for 5 gold after I passed a performance check. Anyways, seeing as now Don actually has a guitar, he decides to play it. He proceeded to roll a natural 20, causing him to be surrounded by many girls. Thus began Don's musical career...

    As we escorted the half elf, Don attempted to perform in each town the party passes by, rolling a natural 20 in each one (we passed by 2 towns), along with a performance in Argus. By then, he had managed to gain a small following.

    Skipping forward a bit…Don and co make their way to another city, having heard that something bad was going to happen there. Apparently, two people were using their musical influences for evil purposes, yet it was and still is unknown what exactly they were doing. On the way, they pass two towns. Naturally, Don decided to perform. I proceed to roll another natural 20 and a 19, furthering the amount of followers he has gained. By now, he had one crystal filled with numbers.

    Eventually, we arrive at the town. I perform again, rolling ANOTHER 20...

    After filling up another crystal with numbers and gaining a new one from one of the girls, I get challenged to a musical battle by a random npc bard. We roll initiative and we begin. I start off doing mediocre while the npc rolled a 20, heavily damaging me and giving him advantage next roll. However, next turn I do well while he rolls…a natural 1, twice. He ends up breaking his instrument. Afterwards, Don was challenged by more and more bards. Despite feeling that I was going to loose, I accept. The first two battles went like this…

    I perform- I do decent. They perform- they break their instruments.

    I then go up against a little girl. Right off the bat, she proceeded to wreck me until the last two turns, where she rolled two consecutive natural 1's, causing her to first fall off the stage, and then break her instrument. By now, the DM was getting pissed.

    Skipping a bit, Don goes to a club, looking for more bards to fight. The reason for this is that I have to take on one of the idols, DJ Di-struct (the other party members can't, seeing as they have both low charisma and no proficiency in instruments). However, I need 290 reputation to do so. I currently had 15. I go against a random bard…and ended up winning due to the fact that the DM rolled ANOTHER natural 1.

    I then go up against three people, they have 30 rep in total, I bet ten. Roll initiative, I go first. I do decent. They go, the first one breaks his instrument…again. The next turn, I get a low roll. They get…another 1. One hits the other with his guitar, which breaks it and knocks his comrade unconscious.

    l then fight one of the club guards, him betting 70 rep. I do the same. Roll initiative, I go, roll a decent roll. He goes, he does a violin and ballet combo (don't ask. The DM rolled for their character traits and got…this). He crits, gaining the favor of the crowd. He proceeded to destroy me until the last two turns. He tries to ballet kick me…rolls a 1…falls off the stage, knocking his rep down. I get my first good roll in that fight, and deal a bit of damage to him. He gets back up and………….……..rolls ANOTHER FREAKING 1. He breaks his instrument, sigh. After winning that battle, I challenge about three more bards, all ending with the DM rolling 1s and questioning life, before heading to bed (in game). Next day, I look for a bard to fight, but a low leveled one. I roll high on investigation and find a drunk bard. Roll initiative, I roll an ok roll, he does poorly. Next turn, I get a good role, he gets………….……..………….……..………….……..ANOTHER 1. Proceeds to throw up on his instrument and breaks it by falling on top of it. That was the last battle I fought before the session ended.

    Just to let you know…I went from having no rep to about 139…yea.

    Anyways, next session I'm fighting the DJ so Ill let you know how that goes.

    I also have a funny story about the party that I will post later.

  19. - Top - End - #1069
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    RangerGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Don the crown!

    Anyway, did you play any actual instruments IRL?

  20. - Top - End - #1070
    Pixie in the Playground
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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    @goto124

    Yea. IRL I play acoustic guitar

  21. - Top - End - #1071
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    AssassinGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    I have a few stories. I'll start with the more recent ones.

    Spoiler: Setting
    Show
    This takes place in the modern world, where magic is hidden from humans. All obviously nonhuman races wear charms that make them appear as human.


    Spoiler: The hero, maybe
    Show
    The only character who really matters in this campaign is our leader, Zephyr Catmen, a Catfolk bard. He is the most invincible character I have ever seen, and has an alignment of Chaotic Chaotic, and mediocre stats to top it all off. He is however, loved by the Dice Gods


    Spoiler: The 1st story
    Show
    I shall start at the beginning, the first session this group had. After narrowly defeating a rampaging Nephilim, Zephyr runs into town. Zephyr decides to go into the towns grocery store, and discovers a sale on soup. He goes through the aisles, picking randomly from the soups that the DM is describing, and after finally picking all the soup he wants. He goes to get a can opener, to prevent a future problem, and begins approaching the cashier.
    As he gets to the counter, Zephyr begins opening the cans of soup, and pouring them on himself, and the DM is, for lack of a better word , as well as the cashier.

    He goes to the library after this, and meets an old man, the exchange goes a bit like this
    Zephyr: Do you have any big encyclopedias?
    Old Man: I may have something *Goes to bookshelf behind him, and pulls out a huge book titled "Why white girls love pumpkin spice" and hands it to him.*
    Zephyr: *Cleans soup off of himself with pages from the book, and hands it back* Thank you.
    Old Man: No, thank you. You've done the world a service.
    As he is leaving the library, he hears arguing between the old man, and a high pitched teenaged girl, and a book goes flying out the window. Zephyr picks up the book, and asks the DM if it is anything valuable. The DM rolls, and gets a natural 20. It is apparently one of the original works of Edgar Allen Poe.

    After this encounter, he heads to the gas station to buy gas. At his point the police are looking for him, as they suspect him of causing the destruction that the rampaging Nephilim did. They are carrying around a picture of him and asking around about him. The DM rolls a perception check for them, he rolls a 1. The walk right up to him, show him the picture, and ask if he's seen the man in the photo. He replies no, but the cashier is pointing at him while his back is turned, as he passed his perception check, but that doesn't work either. He buys the gas, and then goes to city hall. He enters the building and begins to spread the gas about, but he gets thrown out, all the while spread the gas where he is leaving. He lights it from outside, but the fire is quickly put out. He tries again, this time pretending to be a window washer, using his sleeve to spread the gasoline on the windows of the building. The security team catches him, and the DM rolls a reaction roll to see how hostile they are towards him they are. Another natural 20. They tell him to stop, and go back to their work. He then tells the DM he lights a cigarette. The DM tells him his sleeve catches fire.

    Finally the last moment of the session. The group is stealing a car to get out of town. They find a Volkswagen van, but the DM tells them it's out of gas. Zephyr proudly proclaims "I bought gas!", he proceeds to fill up the tank, and drive out of town.


    The DM told me that he had planned several other encounters, that triggered if the players did something, or didn't do something, but the way the session worked out they didn't encounter any of those.

  22. - Top - End - #1072
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    PirateGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    We are playing a PF version of DCC crypt of the devil lich with our party.
    Party goes like this:
    *half-elf meld with an air elemental 6 INT paladin.
    *Broken as hell elf gunslinger.
    *Greedy CN halfling rogue.
    *Half orc barabarian.
    *Dwarf cleric obsessed with order that has the worst dice rolls ive ever seen.
    *Female human cleric of pelor.
    *Myself, the young vulgar drinking human rogue.

    We see three rooms, one of them is a weaponary. Completly abandoned we enter the room, when suddenly a gnome ghost attacks our barbarian, making him dumb(er), draining his intelligence.
    My turn and by a scratch I hit the ghost with my spell storing dagger with searing light and he surrenders. Wanting to free him, the paladin makes a deal that he'll free the gnome from his suffering, while I keep laughing in his face how I took him down in 1 hit, annoying him.
    They start to find out remains so clerics can revive him, and after many yells and humiliations from me saying that we shouldnt revive someone who just tried to kill us we leave.
    Later on, on our return from the boss room, victorious yet lootless, after sleeping in a room of permanent silent, almost dying to a random encounter of shadows (thanks to the +2 protection ring I returned to the paladin cuz of a bad feeling after he got cursed items we didnt die) we head to the blacksmith gnome ghost. With myself doing the first (and probably last) speech of changing my ways after seeing so many evil, I earned myself a ghostly hug from the gnome I humiliated few days earlier.

    And ofcourse, after we got out I completly forgot of him.

  23. - Top - End - #1073
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    Kobold

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    5e
    Party:
    Quillathe, forest gnome druid.
    Bharash, green dragonborn rogue with crap dexterity.
    Charlie the tiefling barbarian
    That One Girl, high elf wizard
    Me (DM)


    Setting: Tropics.

    They are looking for a researcher's crew and his notes. They find a giant runestone only to be interrupted by basilisk.
    TOG: I cast firebolt on the basilisk.
    Me: Okay, roll to hit.
    *crits*
    Me: ummmm okay you set its tail on fire
    Basilisk's turn.
    It spends its action flailing around, attempting to stop drop and roll. Natural 1.
    Q: Does anyone have a weapon?
    C:... I have two battle axes.
    Q:GIVE ME ONE SO I CAN HURT THE BASILISK
    *much axe-related pandemonium with me waiting*
    Q:You know what? I'm just going to club it. With a staff.
    *crits*
    Me: You break its kneecap.
    BH: I'm going to stab it!
    *rolls 9*
    Back to TOG.
    TOG: I cast firebolt... Again
    *crit*
    Me: You set its knee on fire.
    Q:I'm going to club it in the neck. The soft, squishy, neck.

    And then she beheads it. With a staff.

  24. - Top - End - #1074
    Bugbear in the Playground
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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Is this thread D&D specific or will any RPG do?


    "Flash is fast, Flash is cool. Francois c'est pas, flashe non due."

    Seventh Doctor avatar by the too-nice-for-his-own-good Professor Gnoll!

  25. - Top - End - #1075
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Inevitability's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Yung Crunk View Post
    Is this thread D&D specific or will any RPG do?
    There've been stories of other RPG's, so go ahead and post those, I'd say.
    Creator of the LA-assignment thread.

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  26. - Top - End - #1076
    Bugbear in the Playground
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dire_Stirge View Post
    There've been stories of other RPG's, so go ahead and post those, I'd say.
    Right, cool. This is for a Star Wars game.

    Right now the core party is three folks. The main muscle is a clone trooper we nicknamed Easy. Kind of dopey, but good hearted. He's got kind of a muddled backstory and the typical identity-crisis backstory. My character is Dr. Mulligan; a surgeon turned smuggler. He's a human, pretty vanilla. On the outset I had intended him to be the "comic relief" character of the setting. He's got kind of a goofy backstory and his personality is the shiftiness of Sam Malone crossed with the incompetence of George Costanza. Finally there's Sabre, a Zabrak bounty. He is every dark and mysterious brooder ever written. His past is shrouded in mystery, he speaks little but his exploits are well known. He only flashes steel when he needs to. This guy is supposed to be a major deal, and this is reflected in the fact that he rolled the best stats out of all of us.

    He's also going to be our main source of comedy.

    Because we all had these very elaborate designs for our little power trio. We all decided who these people were and how they would behave. At the start we stuck to the script rather well. Easy was earnest, the Doc was sleazy and Sabre was mysterious. All wonderful archetypes. It got to the point where The Doc bribed Sabre so that he would get preferential treatment in combat (insofar as protection goes) because, after all, Sabre was the biggest and baddest bounty hunter in the sector, right? Well, funny story. There's a little parable about "best laid plans".

    See when it came time to throw dice all our elaborate machinations fell apart. From our very first combat encounter Sabre's dice turned against him. The man was a trainwreck. It wasn't merely that his presence in combat was ineffectual, but it would frequently be that he would actually hinder us. A particularly notable example is when he catastrophically failed throwing a grenade and blew up the passageway we were attempting to escape down. Or when his attempts to hack a security console only resulted in dangerous wildlife being release and promptly spilling out into an already hectic fracas. The great, expert, supercool bounty hunter was stumbling over himself, overloading his weapons, falling down stairs and tripping security wires left and right.

    The weird thing was this kind of changed the whole tone of the campaign. Without our dark and serious counterbalance to Easy's naive optimism the plot took on a bit more of a comedic edge. Gradually, and with each ****up Sabre made, the trio stopped being the last hope of the Rebel Alliance to being a trio of bickering numbskulls the Alliance tried desperately to get rid of. Sabre metamorphosed into a comedic character in his own right, whose comedy came from the dissonance between how he perceived himself and how he actually was. At this point in the campaign we've embraced it and are just having fun being the space opera version of Seinfeld.


    "Flash is fast, Flash is cool. Francois c'est pas, flashe non due."

    Seventh Doctor avatar by the too-nice-for-his-own-good Professor Gnoll!

  27. - Top - End - #1077
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    GuesssWho's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Oh man, that sounds so funny
    Cthulhu fhtagn R'lyeh!
    Quote Originally Posted by Nerd-o-rama View Post
    There were other programs that were deleted, but they either go quietly or spend the rest of their existence sitting around babbling about causality. Smith's different. He gets deleted and he's like "Hell no, I'm staying. And I'll steal your kernel privileges and spam copies of myself onto every last thing on the hard disk. How d'you like that?"
    Degeneration 91
    Homebrew:
    Anglermaids

    Wendigo Race
    -Complicated Wendigo Race
    False Hydra (Goblin Punch)

  28. - Top - End - #1078
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    AssassinGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    DM: Me
    Rogue: Only person earnest about roleplaying
    Drow Cleric: The only one who is effective
    Bard: Is bon jovi, but refuses to use Inspire Courage


    The party was walking through a swamp, where they see the absolutely destroyed corpse of a Black Dragon. The area is very flat and they can see for miles, so its obvious whatever spooky creature killed it has left. I do my duty and point out a large hollow in the ground that might lead to a lair. Our rogue decides he wants none of whatever did this and decides to leave. I mention scratching noises from the the cave, and remind the players that dragons tend to have hordes, but they behave uncharacteristically cautious. Unfortunately for them, they miss the miracle of childbirth as a wyrmling black dragon escapes from its egg, finds the scent of food and follows them. They walk for a while before it catches up to them, and they all get hit directly with a line of acid. Combat begins, and no one can hurt the thing. Eventually the rogue lands a lucky hit and the infant dragon decides when in doubt do what instincts tell it to do: take to the air. The Rogue has some throwing knives, but he is too afraid of losing them in the mire to attempt to toss them at the dragon. He botches his first 2 UMD rolls on a wand of Magic Missile and isn't much use. The bard has used all of his spell to try to CC the dragonling unsuccessfully and resorts to attempting to throw clods of dirt and his greataxe, despite everyone (myself included) telling him to play "Living on a Prayer" or something. After a period of time the Cleric crits the thing with her Longbow and the fight is over. The baby dragon was about 10 minutes old and come close to a TPK. The bard and the Cleric had 3 and 4 health left respectively. whereas the Rogue had taken no damage the entire fight, thanks to evasion. A clumsier fight I had never seen.

  29. - Top - End - #1079
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    GuesssWho's Avatar

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    Tonight's game may be the funniest i've ever played, as follows:

    So we're all playing monsters. Setting is a kind of Arctic area. We're walking along when a wagon train comes by--two dog sleds and a main wagon pulled by a trained bear. We hide, but one of our characters is a scarecrow and the wagon stops to grab him with much questioning of what he's doing there.

    Another character is a ghost. He pops up beside the wagon driver, who freaks out and starts screaming about being cursed and ****. The ghost promptly possesses him.

    The caravan boss, a paladin, comes up and asks what the problem is. The ghost!driver claims to be drunk, manages to bluff his way out of being healed, and to make a long story short he casts Phantasmal Force on the paladin. Paladin starts seeing demons and wraiths crawling out of the bear, attacks the 'monsters,' kills the bear.

    Now remember, they're in the middle of the Arctic. Without a way of pulling that wagon these guys are doomed. So they all freak out and attack the pally. The pally, 'aided' by a deafness spell from the ghost, has no idea why they're angry at him and not the 'demons' and assumes a mutiny. Chaos ensues.

    This would be bad enough, but two more factors come into play. First, one character that's a succubus decides to become a copy of the pally and start screaming about imposters and two, we have a couple of spellcasters with Fireball.

    We're on a frozen lake.

    Five minutes later the wagon and one sled is at the bottom of the now-steaming lake, along with lots of guys in plate armor, the VIP that was traveling in the wagon has been 'rescued' by the succubus, everything that isn't on fire is rotting thanks to a wild magic surge, and the other sled is careening away from my character, who had decided to flirt with the last surviving soldier. (My character is a drider.)

    And that's when the blizzard arrives.

    The session ends with us hanging out in a Magnificent Mansion, watching the last dog sled fly away in the storm like Dorothy's house while the ghost tries to convince the Mansion's Unseen Servants to unionize.
    Cthulhu fhtagn R'lyeh!
    Quote Originally Posted by Nerd-o-rama View Post
    There were other programs that were deleted, but they either go quietly or spend the rest of their existence sitting around babbling about causality. Smith's different. He gets deleted and he's like "Hell no, I'm staying. And I'll steal your kernel privileges and spam copies of myself onto every last thing on the hard disk. How d'you like that?"
    Degeneration 91
    Homebrew:
    Anglermaids

    Wendigo Race
    -Complicated Wendigo Race
    False Hydra (Goblin Punch)

  30. - Top - End - #1080
    Dwarf in the Playground
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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Well, this is a pathfinder story, and I only ghost-wrote it for a friend, but I think a few of you folks might enjoy reading it.

    Spoiler: Horrible Gelatinous Storytime
    Show

    External Link for if this doesn't render right: http://i.imgur.com/53axW7a.png


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