More Funny D&D Stories

[Crownrock]

I've been running a game with my wife and kids for some time now, and recently invited a friend and his family to join us. I started planning how to introduce these three new pcs in to the game in progress, and decided to have everyone thrown in prison.

I was super excited about this, and spent two weeks writing an overarching story with several small quests, all taking place in this prison mine. Their only gear would be pick axes and shivs, and I was expecting at least three long sessions before they would finally find a way out.

Five minutes in to the game, my friend's wife starts a riot and breaks out.

[dehro]

I like to think I know what I'm doing in life in general and try not to be stupider than average in most things.
Around the table, with a character sheet in my hands, this character trait fails me spectacularly, and regularly.
On average I get at least once terrible brainfart per session. Often this costs me incessant ribbing from some of the other players, also, it can cost me my character.. so my characters tend to not have a great life expectancy.

My current favoured soul of Tyr was in a library that had one rule: don't take the books out of the library and, on pain of death, don't use magic in the library.
I, the player, didn't hear the second part of the rule, so I cast Amanuensis to copy a few things. Alarms went off and the DM decided to spare my character by "only" having his pinkie toes amputated.

Last Friday I did one better. Set upon healing (with a measly wand of cure moderate wounds as I'd run out of most spells) one party member, I completely ignored/forgot about the three gnolls that surrounded me. I could've dimension doored out of there, instead took their AoOs to the face.
All 3 hit me, one critted
I died. The character I was set on healing had to bail me out of there, our paladin had to restore me to life, however temporarily. In our next session I shall die again and somebody will have to waste a wish spell to resurrect me. Probably the very character I was about to heal.
I swear I'm not this dumb irl...

[MTB and DND]

I got a funny one about our two rouges. Is it me our are rouges always having laugh worthy stories.
Our party had recently killed a dragon. So the Lord of the town invited the party to a feast. Well being rouges, the pair of them planned a scheme in secret. The DM (me) had no idea what they where planning. So as you can guess I was awfully surprised when they went to buy there formal clothes for the ball. Lance, one of the rouges bought an XXL dress. I stared at the two just snickered none of the others had no idea what was about to go down. Except the swordmage that is. They had bribed him. I shrugged it of thinking that rouges just wanted to do odd things. Well turns out Lance went to the ball with pillows and blankets stuffed in the dress. Faramor, the other rouge, proceeded to explore the castle. He found the treasury after a while. Faramor went and told Lance. The sword mage, Zolderon, got a signal and "tripped" and sent food al over the Queen. Well of coarse this caused a huge distraction. I already new what was going to happen. And sure enough the rouges made there way past the guards and to the treasury. At this point you are probably thinking what the XXL dress is for. Well the rouges took the pillows out and, well, stuffed gold in. It was jingling around to much, so they hyjacked a carriage. Everything was going smothley until they rolled, you guessed it, a one. Well they where spotted by a barkeeper who thought they looked
suspicious. Well they made it back to their dorm and quickly hide the gold in a chamber pot. If you do not know what a chamber pot is you are free to look it up. I will not go into to detail about it. Well the guards came in and found Lance sleeping and Faramor pretend drunk they began to search the room. One guard decided to check the chamber pots. "You, sir don't want to look in there. My friend here has had, um, stomach problems. Absolutely disgusting." Faramor slurred. The guard looked anyways.
Well the rouges where caught. But needless to say we have never forgotten about.

[MintyNinja]

Last session my party of 10th level Evil-ish characters went to church:

They're looking for a Portable Hole with Locate Object because of a recent string of casino and gambling hall heists in the city has lead them to believe there is a Portable Hole with a ton of treasure inside it. They're correct, but there's at least three Portable Holes in this small city, each held by powerful people. The one the managed to Locate was in the possession of the leader of the local Thieve's Guild, the Priest of Tymorra. He's the least powerful, individually, of the people with Portable Holes, so good luck to the players.

After a morning of slaughtering drunks and vagrants for their skeleton army (Necromancer in the group), they stop by the Temple of Tymorra. As they enter the priest, Delmorra, is giving a sermon on how luck finds those who work hard, a popular topic in this section of the city. The group is an eclectic lot, as most parties are, but they surprise me by quietly sitting in the back row of the temple and listening politely to the sermon. It was then that they sort of ad-hoc'd a plan together without having to say anything and this is what terrifies me about my group.

The barbarian, a halfling river pirate named Wilwrick Thunderbottom, gets up and starts going up to each and every one of the parishioners in the temple and flipping them a silver coin while saying, "I'm Luck." After the tenth or so time, Delmorra the Priest calls him out and asks what he's doing. Wilwrick continues on, handing coins to people and proclaiming himself to be Luck. Delmorra takes this as an opportunity and espouses on the virtues of generosity and how Lady Luck must have truly blessed him in order to allow him to give away such wealth. In fact, why doesn't he make a donation up at the altar? Wilwrick thinks this is a pretty cool idea and the crowd seems to really like him right now, so he heads up to the head of the altar and drops in a large handful of gold to great applause. Delmorra places his hand on his shoulder and casts Charm Person, which Wilwrick fails, and asks him to truly share the luck he so obviously is blessed with (high persuasion roll, with advantage). At this point I tell the player that while he can choose to do what he likes, he feels like the man standing beside him is a close and trusted friend and that all the people here really do look at him like a hero. So he goes and throws a couple hundred gold into the center of the temple!

During the rushing panic of working class and just-above-poor people scrambling for the gold, our paladin says that she's Locating Object: Portable Hole. I realize what's happening as the rogue sneaks off to the office where the Paladin directs him. The rogue's able to slip through the locks without hesitation and eventually finds the book where the Portable Hole was hidden. As he starts putting books back, I have him give me an Intelligence check to return them in the right positions but don't tell him the result (he passed). As he's returning to the group, Delmorra is giving another sermon on generosity and he happens to spot the Rogue, the one person in the party he's met before. He drops a clue in the sermon that the rogue should recognize as a subtle "I see you," but continues on without making more of a scene.

As the party starts to leave, Wilwrick starts giving high fives as he makes his exit. "Good Luck!" High five. "Good luck!" High five. "Bad Luck!" Rolls damage and breaks a man's arm! The man is screaming in pain as Wilwrick skips to the next person with his hand out stretched but no one is accepting high fives anymore. He leaves, still in a chipper mood, while Delmorra sermonizes on how fickle Luck can be.

Spoiler: The Portable Hole

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While Wilwrick may have lost a couple hundred gold pieces, the party just stole the Treasury of the Thieve's Guild, which amounts to about 5,000 gp in gold and gems. They haven't checked it yet, so they don't even know they have the wrong one.

[GitusMcGudis]

First time posting, had to post this story from my 5e group. Just happened today

Spoiler: Cast (Of important people at least)

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Taiyo: Gnome Artificer , who is obsessed with magical artifacts(Unearthed Arcana class)
Garth: Half Orc Paladin
Elfonse: Half Elf Warlock

Spoiler: The Story

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In our last session, our party stopped at a store that sold magical items. Taiyo proceeds to buy everything in sight, including a Bag of Beans, as well as the Deck of Many Things, and a Cube of Force.
Elfonse immediately, after gaining some distance from the rest of us, draws 2 cards from the deck. He gets ruin, and flames (which has yet to cause anything of importance,but may not get the chance too) After seeing the results, Garth takes the deck to make sure no one else tries anything. After a quick pass through the underdark (and several failed slight of hand checks by Taiyo), we reach an outpost where we were going to take a rest. Before that, however, Taiyo pulls Garth aside. After a short walk, Taiyo uses the Cube of Force, and begins planting the beans. He gives Garth the choice to either give him the deck, or the beans sprout. Garth, probably thinking he wasn't crazy enough to try anything, simply walks off. That session we learned to never underestimate chaotic neutral. We are currently level 3, and are now about to fight 2 Bulettes, and possibly a mummy lord if Taiyo decides to top himself by opening it's sarcophagus.

[Keycraftsman]

First time posting, still a noob player as well.

Party:
Human Fighter(me), slightly deranged and paranoid.
Tiefling(?) Warlock, always hid his face, comes up with "good" plans, know-it-all.
Dragonborn Monk, insane stat rolls.
Gnome mage, Tiny and scared.

Story:
We were invading a dungeon that seemed to have some demonic influence. We soon found out everything in this dungeon was a mimic.

After having descended into the cave we find a small river with a boat on shore. As we see no other way forward we proceed to use the boat but not before tying a rope to it to secure our way back.
Warlock: *attempts to bind rope around boat but notices the boat is sticky to the touch* This is suspicious.
Fighter: I attempt to set the boat on fire with my torch.
GM: Teeth appear on the boat and the thing is screeching in pain
Monk: I know I was joking with mimic boats… but now I’m having actual trust issues.
Warlock: Let’s pull it in… For……. Research?
Monk: Ok. I wanna see this thing from up close. *tosses rope and it hangs by the teeth of the mimic boat, rolls a total of 8 for pulling the boat*
Fighter: GIMME THAT ROPE THEY USUALLY HAVE GOOD STUFF IN THEM *rolls high and immediatly pulls the boat in.*
Monk: (This is total mimic brutality)
GM: The mimic pops out legs.
Gnome mage: o_o;
GM: It attacks the fighter.
Fighter: *attacks the boat*
Monk: *beats it twice*
Gnome Mage: That is a strong boat.
Warlock: It’s a mimic. You’re supposed to avoid them.

Warlock: *shoots eldritch blast rolls a 1 so it disappears in the water.
DM: The water growls as the blast disappears in the fluid.
Party: … The river is a mimic too..

And that is the moment the entire party became paranoid of mimics. We started checking everything to see if it was a mimic. Opening doors with axes, kicking over chairs, shooting arrows in chest and we were right about half the time.
I still don't know if the GM actually set it up that way or was just rolling with our paranoia.

[WarrentheHero]

I've been running a game with my wife and kids for some time now, and recently invited a friend and his family to join us. I started planning how to introduce these three new pcs in to the game in progress, and decided to have everyone thrown in prison.

I was super excited about this, and spent two weeks writing an overarching story with several small quests, all taking place in this prison mine. Their only gear would be pick axes and shivs, and I was expecting at least three long sessions before they would finally find a way out.

Five minutes in to the game, my friend's wife starts a riot and breaks out.

Something g similar happened to me. I spent a while working on this arc in which the PCs for captured by Thri-Kreen in the desert, and forced to fight gladiator-style in an Arena. Everything went wrong as soon as the Paladin managed to summon his horse. In the jail cell.

[Crownrock]

Something g similar happened to me. I spent a while working on this arc in which the PCs for captured by Thri-Kreen in the desert, and forced to fight gladiator-style in an Arena. Everything went wrong as soon as the Paladin managed to summon his horse. In the jail cell.

It's okay, I got my wife back when she was DM. I'm a wizard, and we had a campaign that took us under the sea with some water breathing potions.

When 30 foot long great white shark started following I asked if I could change my familiar's form in to a remora. (I have an item that allows me to change my familiar's form instantly)
Confused, she said that would be fine. I had my familiar swim right up to the shark and latch on to his belly, as the party and I took cover in a ship wreck too small for him to follow us. Then I cast shocking grasp through my familiar until the shark died.

Shocking grasp is a cantrip, so I can cast it continually, but it's pretty weak (2d8), and the shark had very high health. After the fourth time casting it, with the shark unable to reach us and the whole party confirming that they're not budging from the hidey hole, my wife tore up the sheet for the shark, and said, "After ten minutes, the shark dies. Not from your shocking grasp, but from boredom. I hope you're happy."

[Em9500]

I was playing a game of Risus with 2 friends. I knew from the beginning it wasn't going to be serious because the characters were a talking baseball and a flying goat wizard.

It was a dimension hopping storyline (which I was going to end with a gigantic boss fight). They had just travelled to a high tech dimension and were greeted by a police officer.

Instead of being sent on a quest by the police officer, like I had hoped, they instead attacked him and blew up a building. Then because of that, they became inter dimensional terrorists

[GuesssWho]

A lot of very silly things happened in my last game, but the one I found most memorable was that my character got cursed to be a zombie. Someone gave me a scroll of remove curse, but since I'm a zombie I'm not sure what to do with it.

I spent several minutes with the scroll on my head like a hat, saying 'make smart? Make smart?' before it was explained to me that I had to read the damn thing.

[Fluffyechidna]

I was fighting a demon prince with a bunch of buddies. I had teleported up onto his head, and I was about to smite him with lighting. Then, I had a kinda dumb, kinda badass idea. What if I backflipped off him, blasting him with lightning before landing? I told my friends the idea, and they busted out everything they had to bring it down to the point where I could kill it with one mighty bolt. So. They beat him down onto about 10 or something health? I forget. Anyway, I rolled to "kill it with lightning!" as another player put it. So. Rolled to backflip off him at the same time. A 20 and a 15. Killed it, rolled for landing. Nat 1. My Kobold broke his snout and his leg from a 12 foot (4 metre.) jump. Needed to be carried back into town by a next-to useless NPC.

Another bone-breaking incident that occurred to me while I was typing that. The same Kobold broke his arm in a later campaign. I decided to roll a constitution save for the pain. Nat 20, with a +2 modifier. He stood up and walked it off. Later, the team's "Oh, I'm so tough, I could survive a war-axe to the head." guy broke his leg. Nat 1. He screamed so loud, I made everyone roll for sonic damage.

[Drrichtoffen]

So I've been playing with some friends, but we're pretty lax on the rules and it's also an old swedish edition. Since we started, about 8 years ago, my dwarven fighter has been through a lot. No idea what the system is called but we basically played with d100, 1 being a crit and 100 being a fail (we're not really hardcore). Anyhow here's a kinda funny story:

While on our first mission (with two friends: elf mage and elven ranger) we have to traverse a cave. Some hours into the cave we find a small tunnel to the side of the main tunnel and at the end a small hole down about 20 metres that leads to an underwater stream.

We decide to go down and begin to lower the mage with a rope, when suddenly we hear a noise behind us. We drop the rope and the mage falls the last couple of meters, taking som light damage. Me and the ranger turn around in time to notice a pack of goblins (about 4 or 5 i think) closing in on us. With no escape we grab our weapons and engage them head on.

We both take some moderate damage but in the end we have slain all but one, who is now crippled and trying to crawl away. I'm fairly hurt, but i decide to execute the goblin. I walk up and roll to finish it off. The dice land on 100 and i end chucking my battle axe inte the wall behind me. At this moment the near-dead goblin slashes at me with a shortsword and sends me unconsious. The ranger ends the goblin with his bow, but now he has to figure out how to save me.

He quickly realizes he has to pull up the mage as he is the only one to have any healing spell (none of us learned first aid). So he throws down the rope and the mage begins to climb up. Now what the DM didn't know was that you only fall down from the rope when you fail the roll and our mage had basically no climbing skill. So basically what happened next was the mage would climb up a bit, miss a roll and the DM kept saying he fell down. This happened about four or five times until he finally made it up the rope, all bruised and hurt, and properly healed me

Tldr; I downed to a crippled dying goblin and our mage fell down the ropes (climbing up to heal me) five times because DM didn't read rules

Sorry for the long post, it's my first. Can post some more stories if anyone wants(hoprfully shorter)

[lifeinstarlight]

So this one time we were playing D&D and I was a playing an elven rogue noble who was stranded in foreign woods as a child and relied on stealing to survive. After finally returning home, I still had a flaw where I would steal things if I was drunk or experiencing a surge of emotion. I was set to marry a prince of another kingdom but on the night before my wedding, I stole the jewels from the castle in my inebriated from the feast and fled to the land where our campaign was taking place.
Fast forward to our initial bonfire meet and greet to our (rather large, 6-7 player) party. Someone decides it’s a great idea to lavish the pretty Elven girl with mead and wine. I get drunk, and when I say drunk I mean SMASHED. (Elves have absolutely no tolerance for alcohol, for those of you who don't know.)
While each player introduces themselves, I casually amble around the campfire, robbing them blind. (They would have had to roll a crit win to even notice.) In a gutsy move, I decide to steal the food off the campfire (my DM decided it was time to introduce myself) and instead of getting caught, I roll a natural 20 and then confirm it with another natural 20. Instead of introducing myself to the party, I take the food, frying pan and everything, off the fire, climb a tree and eat the entirety of the food for 6-8 people and promptly pass out in a drunken food-induced comatose glory.
The wind picks up, and my elf is rather tiny. The DM has me roll to stay in the tree. (taking negatives vs. sleep, intoxication, bloat) I roll… crit fail. I fall out of the tree and directly into the arms of the human monk. (He was the only one to pass the listen check and then a reflex save) The party then notices I’m clutching the frying pan. After the initial surprise at me falling from the sky, the party decides I’m an awesome party-elf and that I must join them because only the most talented could take their frying pan from under their noses.
I pass them the frying pan back, convince them (17 on bluff +high mods +circumstance) that I took their EMPTY frying pan and that they were too drunk to have cooked anything. I help them cook themselves another dinner. At this point, the cleric and paladin (also the only two sober members) return from their aside tasks (I forgot what they were doing) and voice their surprise and concern that another days rations were being used, thus catching me in my lie.
The party decides that since I’m obviously affluent, I’ll buy (to myself, steal) more rations tomorrow and this forgave me. While packing up the next morning, I steal the frying pan and keep it in my pack.
Fast forward to a few sessions later. While trying to infiltrate a goblin hireout, I roll a 1, get captured and presented to the cheiftain as a dainty snack. I’m dangling upside down in the clutches of the mutated goblin chieftain’s grasp. My obvious weapons were secured from me at the beginning of encounter. My dice turned against me and each hidden weapon I produce is knocked away. Finally the weight in my pack shifts and I remember the frying pan. I roll to grab it, make the reflex save, roll to attack and BAM, CRITICAL HIT. Natural 20, confirmed by another natural 20. I smash the chieftain in the face, splitting his skull and killing him instantly. I escape clutching my frying pan dearly. The party arrives to rescue me, makes quick work of the stunned goblins, and hails the frying pan as my savior.
Back in town, jokes are made to have a metalsmith embed spikes on the bottom of the pan. I point out that using frying pan as a weapon is typically a smart idea, but decide that for practical reasons, spikes would be very convenient for cooking at campfires. I then paid someone to enchant a ruby that allows the frying pan to heat without flames at will.
The DM not-so-jokingly decides the frying pan now does 1d6 per each of the six 6" spikes plus 1d10 fire damage.
The frying pan proceeds to become the best weapon in the game.

TLDR: Got drunk, stole a frying pan, won the game.

[Drrichtoffen]

Party: Jack, Human mage (me)
Ascendus, Human mage
Grim'gur, harbrei (some kinda goat-human hybrid) fighter

So we were at a catacomb which held dome holy ashes we'd been tasked with finding before the BBEG gets it. Only problem was that he had set up camp (with some human mercs) outside the catacomb along with a small orcish encampment. Now we knew we had no chance in a straight out fight so we decide to use a magical d20 in-game, which causes some random effect. The dice ends up transforming into a handheld demonic flame canon.

At that moment i get the most amazing idea i've ever had, so i gather the group and tell them of my plan. See, we'd recently come across a board game which, when moving one of the pieces would move a being in the world. So the harbrei grabs the flame canon, our other mage readies some fireballs and i cast an illusion to make the fighters eyes and horns be engulfed in flame. I then grab the board and move the piece forward flinging the fighter straight into the orc camp.

The ensuing chaos was glorious. Crashing into an ogre (and knocking it unconcious) the fighter stands up and lets loose a battlecry while spewing flames all around him with the canon. The orcs fled immediatly except their leader who intended to free an adolecent dragon. We fought for some time, but eventually he flew off on the dragon.

We were laughing so hard and our DM was just stunned at what we'd done

[Pichu]

Oh my go, I have reading this forever. I finished the original thread, and am still currently working on this thread. Anyhoo...

My first campaign ever (5e):
-A half-elf ranger 4 (L)
-A human cleric 4 (Me)
-A dragonborn paladin 4/warlock 1 (Q)

A note: this created what we call the L playstyle, because it is nuthin' but Charisma-based skillz

We were going to find a troll and his two ogre bodyguards to go collect a reward, when we come across a patrol of ~6 hobgoblins. I (being newb i was) charged them. I got beaten to a pulp by them. L hid in the woods, while Q started casting spells. After something, (it's a bit foggy), Q ends up talking to the hobgoblins. A hobgoblin reports back with the ranger tied up. The hobgoblin leader asks if this is Q's slave. Q says yes. However, apparently hobgoblins don't like magic, and one sneak up behind Q with a poisoned dagger. One fail con saving throw later, Q is down and the leader kills the misbehaving hobgoblin as it is his "second strike". They take us back to their camp and tie us up in a camp.

While the two holy people sleep, L starts to befriend the tent guards with food. Eventually, she is allowed to come out of the tent, but only under supervision. She is show the Worg fields, where the shaman is trying to tame the worgs. Cue a Nat 20, and L has automatically befriended the Alpha Worg. Impressed by her skills, they go back to the shaman's tent, where he cooks up an elixir to turn L into a half-hobgoblin (pre-VGtM). After rolling really well on a d100 for random effects, L gains +2 to dex and learns goblin. Also, she is given Q and I as slaves.

Note: Afterwards, we escape, L is almost killed for being half-hobgoblin, and the town guard assist use as we, in the words of TFS' Zorin Blitz (from Hellsing Ultimate Abridged), "SLAUGHTER THEM ALL!!!"

[ProfessorDex]

The funniest thing I've seen in a game was when I nearly killed a guard with a door. We were just starting out our campaign, and the DM had designed it for us to sneak our way out of a prison. Well we started out trying it that way, but eventually we decided it was taking too long.
So I was playing a dwarf fighter, and we decided we were going to wait for the prison guard to make his rounds, and we would ambush him as he was coming through the door. As he's walking down the hallway, I ask the DM if I could stun the guard by slamming the door into him.
After several minutes of determining how to calculate the damage of a door slam, he decides to treat it like a shield bash. So we get to the point where I make my attack roll: natural 20. The DM sighs and we roll for damage, max rolls again.
So the guard starts to walk through the door, I slam it into him, knocking off his helmet and leaving him unconscious on the floor. We steal his sword and armor and proceed to slaughter our way through the rest of the dungeon.
Stealth? What is stealth? Brute force defeats all.

[rebelpyroflame]

Hi, first time posting, I just had to share the crazy stories of our group

The players (nicknamed as I suck with their names)

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(all guys just for clarification)
Jaune - myself, a two ninja and probably the most competent person at most times
le macho - a female druid with a cheetah and a scimitar, named that after our first scenario where she threw three different cold fey imps into three separate woodcutting machines
dictionary - a female haunted oracle of the lore mystery, named because knows knowledge skill out of the ass, spends every combat doing literally nothing and le macho's boyfriend irk and girlfriend in game
ocelot - gunslinger, the only player with real experience, most of our first time playing, the only named one I can remember regularly as named after metal gear solid character
Shorty - a dwarfen paladin, the single worst paladin in existence
trash panda - a arcane bloodline sorcerer focused on summoning, gets into trouble a lot, has a raccoon familiar we call a trash panda that gets into even more trouble and has everyone trying to kill it

the set up is a magic/steam punk world, standard pathfinder world but a lot of emerging steam punk tech and pistols and such.

we work for a guild set up in a massive airship, think fairy tail but they can fly. We get quest through the guild master, a regular pay check on completion and most magic items we find get sold to them, but we get first dips on buying afterwards

the day off

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so we had just finished our first scenario, the carnival of tears (shorted as it was supposed to be an introductory one) and the guild master tells us to have a day of.

we end up all going to town (the airship spends most of its time here) and go shopping. As we get to the first shop we realise trash panda has had all his gold and his wand of cure light wounds stolen, so we set out to get it back.

we track the thief down to a shabby house where I attempt to convince him that no amount of money he took from us is worth the amount of damage and trouble we can cause. he chooses to run.

we get in and find the building empty. we eventually find a lift that leads to a underground MASSIVE room with all these crates and boxes in it. We find the wand and start investigating and find one full of swords. Just then we hear knocking on the door upstairs so we panic and run through a corridor that leads to a sewer, because it always leads back to the sewers eventually. As we're leaving we encounter some rats. Dictionary takes a wand of lighting we got from the last mission, places the tip in the water and fries everything, killing a dozen dire rats. Truly his greatest contribution to any of our fights before or since.

we make it back to the guild and have to explain that on our day off, we got robbed and have discovered a plot to overthrow the city.

so our DM uses this as our next plot thread, sending us to the city where this stuff was found. We get tasked with finding a way to discover who is in charge of this attempt and stopping them

The journey

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after an hour of arguing (we don't get much done, Shorty in particular seems to think ever situation is like balders gate, smash it without thinking) we take the longest route and take the bus. Along a cliff route we find a toppled tree. As we're trying to move it trash panda gets ambushed by two guys, knocked out, tied up and a bag over his head. I immediately run over to try and stop them, ocelot starts shooting and dictionary doesn't get off the bus.

Shorty's turn, decided it's not worth going to help as it would take more than two turns to get there and attack, leaving his friend to get saved by the squishy ninja and picks a fight with some guys on the other side of the tree.

Something you have to understand for the next part, my back-story is that I somehow survive total party wipes a bunch of times and the guild master doesn't trust me, so he sent trash panda, the guild librarian, to document my behaviour to make sure I'm not deliberately doing this.

as I kill the one guy, the other tries to run. I go to tackle him, trash panda, failing every roll so he's only just waking up now, rolls off the guy and off the cliff

so to reiterate, the guy in charge of keeping an eye on me gets rolled off a cliff thanks to me. He lives, outcropping tree their but still

as the fight continues one of the bandits goes after trash panda. He summons a giant bat behind him to attack him. we're just finishing up and we see his raccoon that climbed up the cliff telling us there down there. Ocelot has a great plan to use the raccoon as a projectile on the guy below, so he picks up the raccoon, rolls handle animal to reassure him and let him know the plan, rolls a 1 on the attack.

the one bandit feels a huge set of teeth enter his neck behind him, just as he starts screaming a separate scream is heard as a raccoon falls past him directly down the cliff, all the while trash panda looks on in horror

we finally make it, book a place to stay and get the lay of the land. There are three ways to go about this. First, help the town guard out until they involve us with their operations. Second, join the local guild under false names and do the same. Third, involve ourselves with the mob until we find out there big plans.

Shorty (who was put in charge of this mission in an effort to get him more involved) decided to go pray to the force (he thinks he's a Jedi paladin) for guidance (ill so couldn't make that session) and we pick dictionary to go be our leader (he had been a little quiet and withdrawn in all our sessions). The following all takes place in one session he is in charge.

group a

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me, ocelot and trash panda all go shopping/sell the stuff off the bandits. we find one blacksmith who will accept the armour after we remember to clean the blood off it, but we come up with the idea to make the leather armour into armour for the cheetah and the raccoon. The DM was incredulous, but agrees to make it in a few days, once the guy gets the measurements and consult experts.

group b, aka the library incident

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Dictionary and le macho decide to hit up the library in order to get as much info about the city layout, the local crime groups, how that elevator worked etc.

they find that just like us we can't do anything without being registered, especially as an important series of talks and lectures is happening. so first they try to talk their way in. Doesn't work.

Dictionary haunted curse kicks in and throws stuff in the guards hut. They try to sneak past a fail, horribly.

guard confronts them and dictionary attempts to convince him of her overwhelming love of knowledge (I pass around a not to the others saying "books get me wet) and dm lets them in. Where to begin with the next part.

Dictionary haunted curse sends a bookshelf flying, so they hide and leave the cheetah to take the blame. Cue off-screen Scooby do chase/yakety sax scene.

They decide they need to steal a bunch of the books to research later. le macho turns into a rat and hided in Dictionary's cloths. A young researcher starts hitting on dictionary, so le macho bite him. We all have a scare until we double check the rules that his damage is reduced rather than killing him in one shot.

As there leaving le macho the rat realise that there is a spell on the door that detects stolen books. So dictionary tears a page out of one book, gives it to le macho the rat who sneaks into another guys robes. as he passes through the field dictionary goes at the same time and le macho bites him, so he starts screaming about something being in his robes and stripping, giving enough time for dictionary to leave with her books

we meet up and facepalm over the ocean 11 style heist these two pulled up, before going to the guards to register while the others get a cheetah fitted for armour. We go there and trash panda and I go in to get the forms. We find out that it will take several weeks so trash panda bribes the guard. we then go back at night to get our forms

the bad night

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we follow the guard as the others follow sneakily behind. We go down a dark alley where he has two guys at the end, two guys on one roof and one on the other with three ready to cut us off. they tell us to give us all our gold and we'll let them live. I tell them to do the same, they refuse.

combat goes off, the others start killing the three at the back, trash panda and I turn invisible, but he doesn't move from the same spot. one guy starts chucking alchemist fire down on him. after a couple of rounds catching on fire, he runs to the others and uses a grease spell on the guy throwing alchemist fire.

Here is where it starts going downhill. He falls, smashing all the various bottles of stuff he has on him. These react in a THIRTY FOOT FIREBALL THAT WRECKS THE ALLYWAY!

we soon finish off the guard and most of his buddies, who flee. the city guard then show up to find out what's going on. I steal a set of keys from the guard and run into the streets, being on the other side of the fireball. The others go into the sewers to escape EXEPT TRASH PANDA. due to several bad wisdom rolls he insisted on, he stays behind then as the guards turn up, drops invisibility and announces he was a bystander. They cuff and bag him back to HQ.

next scene, he gets debagged in an interrogation room. They ask him what happened and he blurts out the truth, only just remembering not to tell the guards he knows who we are. They don't believe him. They think he's a psycho who followed a guard, killed him and bunch of other innocent people in a massive fireball. DM announces his lawyer enters, obviously giving us all a chance to decide who would represent him.

It is at this moment I realise none of us can do it and explain. I (despite having all the face skills) was seen entering the station AND TALKING TO THE GUARD WHO DIED. ocelot can't come because we were both seen in the city getting raccoon and cheetah armour, a cheetah who was seen at the library next two a destroyed bookshelf. A cheetah who was seen entering with a druid and a oracle. The only one who could possibly represent him is Shorty, who sucks at role-playing and being a paladin and isn't there.

It turns out it was the lieutenant of one of the crime families. they were his men and they were supposed to bring us to him but got greedy. When he heard what happened he decided he would spring us as we might be useful to him. trash panda doesn't get this properly and starts denying the idea that he did it, claiming that he was worried the guards were listening. He finally gets a clue and the lawyer leaves to do the paperwork.

at this exact moment, one of our contacts blows a hole in the wall to cut him free and escape. He finally get out, thrown out of a window into a canal and he uses a few invisibility spells to get back to the inn.

During this, we are discussing options and panicking, thinking we might have to cut our losses and leave the city. In bursts trash panda, shouting about how we won't believe what happened to him. Ocelot panics and shoots him. If he hadn't gotten healed during the fight he would have died. He informs us on what happened.

To summarise, we went to get proper papers, and now the whole city, including the guard and the mafia, think that trash panda, the fairly ineffective in combat summoner, is a COP KILLING MASS MUDERUER (there were a few innocents in the buildings killed) WHO BROKE OUT OF POLICE PRECINT BY BLOWING UP SEVERAL WALLS, AND NOW THE MAFIA WANT TO RECRUTE HIM TO BLOW MORE STUFF UP. IF THEY TWIG THAT THEIR MISTAKEN, THEY WILL PROBABLY KILL US AND SO OUR ONLY OPTION NOW IS TO BECOME THE BIGGEST BADASS CRIMINALS THIS CITY HAS EVER SEEN, AND THE GUY IN CHARGE OF THIS DECEPTION IS TRASH PANDA, AKA THE GUY WHO CAN'T TELL LIES OR STORIES VERY WELL DESPITE A HIGH BLUFF SKILL.

that's right people, we are trapped in a "cid the squid" from batman the animated series scenario. I am seriously considering burning down the police station and the library to help build up this image.

So things are not looking up for us. Ended there but I will keep posting updates if anything else crazy happens.

[Em9500]

We were playing a custom rpg, it was more of a choose your own adventure story than an rpg. So here are the characters

Alex: A unicorn ninja
Soy: a rogue, then later, a knight

I'm just going to give a brief description because the story was very long. So they were in a dungeon, trying to look for gold and the king they are working for comes. They don't know what the trap that they know is there does, so Soy kills the king and uses his body as a bridge. Another person comes in so they kill him too. Fast forward several rooms and they enter a dragons lair (they had no idea) so they start taking his gold. When he wakes up, instead of hiding, they insult the dragons mother. The dragon finds them, and Soy, continues to insult the dragons mother, so he throws Soy into a pile of gold, which the dragon sets on fire. Meanwhile, Alex uses a magical lighter and a magical pack of infinite cigarettes, to light and throw into the dragons throat. Soy's new character enters the room and shouts (it was supposed to be BROTHER!) "BRIDGET!" And the magic of the room transforms the rogue's dead body into a person named Bridget. Eventually, Alex throws enough cigarettes into the dragon to Insta kill it from lung cancer.They continue on to the last room, which they can clearly see the exit of. The only thing in the room is a fountain. No traps. No monsters. Just a fountain. Instead of doing the smart thing (leaving the dungeon!) they decide to drink from the fountain. The fountain contained halusigenic mushroom juice. Soy drinks a lot and is severely hallucinating where Alex is lightly hallucinating. Soy and Alex both go back for more. Soy dies from hallucigenic mushroom poison. Alex is alive but starts thinking Soy is a mermaid. Instead of leaving the room, he CUTS OFF SOY'S LEGS (or the mermaid's tail) TO KEEP HIS STUFF IN THEN leaves the room. As he exits, all the hallucinating goes away, Alex realizes he is holding severed legs. And finally, instead of being horribly scarred for the rest of his life, goes back in (hallucigenic effects come back) and drinks more from the fountain. Alex dies, RPG ends.

Then we realized what we had created and were like 😨

[Shoggy]

While this isn't a direct campaign moment, I think it might fit here:

The Mummy as an RPG campaign: http://imgur.com/a/hSw44

[Em9500]

Technically this isn't a story or has happened to me, but I designed a Mutants and Masterminds character who I think has the worst superhero name of all time (its a really bad pun ). His superhero name is Bear Hands. Here are his origins

Barret "Bear" Urson was a commander in the military when he was attacked by a bear. he defeated it with his bare hands and ripped off its hands. He wore them to make him tougher to fight. Then one day, his squadron was investigating a villain in a super glue factory when the villain used a new, highly unstable glue to stick Bear’s hands together. But the glue bonded his bear hands and his actual hands together and now he fights crime with his bear hands as his actual hands

If you haven't figured it out, his super power is having bear hands

[Guizonde]

The funniest thing I've seen in a game was when I nearly killed a guard with a door. We were just starting out our campaign, and the DM had designed it for us to sneak our way out of a prison. Well we started out trying it that way, but eventually we decided it was taking too long.
So I was playing a dwarf fighter, and we decided we were going to wait for the prison guard to make his rounds, and we would ambush him as he was coming through the door. As he's walking down the hallway, I ask the DM if I could stun the guard by slamming the door into him.
After several minutes of determining how to calculate the damage of a door slam, he decides to treat it like a shield bash. So we get to the point where I make my attack roll: natural 20. The DM sighs and we roll for damage, max rolls again.
So the guard starts to walk through the door, I slam it into him, knocking off his helmet and leaving him unconscious on the floor. We steal his sword and armor and proceed to slaughter our way through the rest of the dungeon.
Stealth? What is stealth? Brute force defeats all.

we call that the "edward school of stealth": no witness, no crime. i approve wholeheartedly. i had a similar incident where overwhelming force was used en lieu of subtlety to escape a prison. i jury-rigged copper wire to a small nuclear reactor (post-ap universe, entire electrical grid is run on cold-fusion) in order to make a tripwire. a courier comes running past, fails the spot-check on the tripwire, and the dm looks at us. "uh, edward, as your second action of the game, you've pretty much fried to a crisp a courier, mcgyver style." we playfully argue about how big or small the generator was for a time until the dm agrees that the courier had a fate point, allowing him to survive 7 or 8 times his wound total in electrical damage (for the record, it wasn't that big a generator). upon waking up, we try and bluff the courier into thinking he's just tripped and it works. the courier really thought we were a medevac team. i ask the dm if he suffered. the dm goes up to my ear and screams "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUCCCCHH!!!" as loud as he can. we all had a laugh.

still more subtle than breaking into a prison with a (very small) nuclear bomb, a tank, and enough crowbars to arm the prisoners, but not by much. and before you ask, no, it wasn't edwards plan. she just added the (very small) nuclear bomb for pizzazz. it was just "ram tank into prison, leave big hole, arm prisoners". i'm not allowed nuclear bombs or engineers anymore. something about having a hammer.

[TrT8r]

This forum won't die, will it?
Anyways, I have a story or two. I personally wasn't involved (my character was drunk at the time), but I was at the table.
So, we had just gotten back from killing a stronghold of goblins and the cleric was asleep. Our paladin decides to play a trick and buys some fish soup and balances it on the door to the room where the cleric is sleeping. He then yells that they are serving free food downstairs. The half asleep cleric wakes up and runs out the door. At this point the cleric asks if he could make an acrobatics check at disadvantage. The DM said he could and he makes the DC. The dm rolls for where it lands. The paladin asks if it hit him anyways. The DM looks up and says "Well, I just rolled a natural one, so enjoy fish armor". Long story short, the paladin's plan backfired.

[TrT8r]

Another one that I just remembered.
I was playing with a much younger group then before (Like a 9-year old and an 11-year old and their parents). On of the boys expects whatever he does to work with no consequences . Anyways, we had just arrived on an island. We expected the road to the village that was there to be trapped in some way. So, the monk decides to climb a tree to look out ahead. Somehow, he succeeds. I start singing a traveling song (in and out of character). So, we come up on a hill and see the village. A little girl runs up to us and greets us. The following conversation ensues.
M (monk [said player]): I jump out of the tree and say hi to the girl.
DM:... Roll intimidate.
M: But... no, I was just saying hi!
DM: You just jumped out of a tree at a little girl who has almost never seen a traveler. Roll intimidate.
M: (rolls high) Uh.. that's a natural nineteen!
DM: She runs away.
B (Bard, M's brother): I start playing a song (his answer to everything). (Rolls high)
DM: She comes back, but is shying away from M.
Some dialogue later. The girl has warmed up a little and is talking with us (HINT: giving us information).
M: I take out my quarter staff and ask her if she wants to see something cool.
DM: She runs away.
M: I just asked her if she wanted to see something cool!
Me: Dude, you just took out a weapon on a small girl that you scared earlier. Why NOT run away?
I then scowl at him, in and out of character.
M: I take out a dart and say "Don't frown at me"
DM: Roll intimidate contest.
Me (good time to mention that I am a 6'11, 270 pound dragonborne barbarian): [rolls] [leans back in chair]
M: I got a 17! That is good right?! What did you get?
Me: 21!
DM: M freezes and drops his dart out of fright.
M: I pick up my dart.
DM: nope. It is lost in the mud.
M:
Lesson learned; don't scare away your information source, and don't try to scare the barbarian.

[Dimers]

Technically this isn't a story or has happened to me, but I designed a Mutants and Masterminds character who I think has the worst superhero name of all time (its a really bad pun ). His superhero name is Bear Hands.

One time I saw a superhero with mimicry powers, able to look exactly like anyone he wanted. His other traits were stuff like resistance to poison, not needing to breathe, et cetera, because he was dead-yet-moving. Name? The Dead Ringer.

[Lvl 2 Expert]

I was playing with a much younger group then before (Like a 9-year old and an 11-year old and their parents)....
...Lesson learned; don't scare away your information source, and don't try to scare the barbarian.

In his defense, we all relate most to our own experiences, and most 9 year olds don't have a lot of experience accidentally scaring people away. Maybe really young kids or hamsters or something. An adult adventurer jumping down from a tree or pulling out a stick and asking you if you want to see something cool might be a little scary (even if unarmed monks are one of the least scary types of adventurers), a 9 year old doing the same is not.

[rebelpyroflame]

Hello everyone, story time!

The players

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jaune - me, the ninja
trash panda - summoner based sorcerer with a thieving raccoon
le macho - unusual good a wrestling druid girl
dictionary - lore based oracle girl
ocelot - gunslinger

so last time trash panda made his way back to us after becoming the most wanted criminal in the city. we all start making plans. In particular ocelot and le macho will start making hand grenades out of "wood shaped" firewood and his barrel of gunpowder, and we're planning on robbing the library again before we go to the fight club to get some street cred. ocelot stay up and makes these grenades while we all sleep.

noises in the night

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ocelot hears a noise and checks the corridor, seeing two figures in black looking in different rooms. we all get ready while I set up some caltrops in the room, some by the door some by the window. After a few minutes ocelot decides to check again and see them at the end of the corridor arguing. He shouts out "can I help you with anything?". Both turn to him and a girl shouts out gleefully "gee I knew he was on this floor". It's at this point I find out that the caltrops I set up get swept aside by the opening door

we get ready as we hear running footsteps before BLAM! the door get knocked off its hinges so hard that the caltrops get knocked all over the room and the door smacks me across the face before imbedding in the wall. She then shouts out "Kitty!" before punching le machos cheetah across the face. Trash panda summons a stone golem in the doorway and every round after that we keep hearing a "whack" followed by it being tripped and smashing into the floor.

it's at this point I start panicking. Between sessions I had helped the DM come up with a few characters. They were three girls based on Harley Quinn (a martial artist/barbarian that could tank like crazy, hit like a truck and run just as fast), Catwoman (a rouge with a whip and sap mastery's so she could hit with the force of a 80 foot drop) and poison ivy (a cleric of plant and charm domain who could turn any spell into a charm person or a heal). I realise we are outclassed and come up with in character reasons why that is, in particular Harly disengaged from combat by running up a wall, back flipping over us and chucking a portion of sneezing powder down.

I go to grab my stuff, the others getting the idea we have to bail and the cheetah smashes through the window. we cover the two (Catwoman simply leaped over the golem and a few other people in a single leap) in obscuring mist and I jump out of the window while going invisible. I then find out that there are six guys in the alleyway surrounding an unconscious cheetah. With a masterful twirl I summersault out of the window and land silently without alerting any of the guards. le macho follows, flubs her roll and I somehow dodge out of the way still not notices as a druid girl slams onto the floor behind me. Dictionary comes up with a plan to running leap into a self targeted levitation spell, granting just enough momentum to cross the 15 foot gab between her and the next roof and ocelot just makes the jump across.

Trash panda turned invisible during this and tries to go out of the front door, only for it to fade of, (probably a purge invisibility spell), sees poison ivy and tries to bluff his way past. she just grabs him, tells him that he's the one there looking for a proceeds to charm person his gullible ass

Harley then immediately leaps across this gap like its nothing while I sneak off and dictionary surrenders, telling all of us to do the same.

the social call

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Harley just flips from smashing our faces in to "ok, sure". This absolutely huge fat half-orc then strolls into our room and from my vantage point at the end of the alleyway I can see a crap ton of grunts guarding the front. this guy introduces himself as the lieutenant we saw before, and tells dictionary he had a deal with trash panda. The others agree to go with him to the club, dictionary and trash panda go in a steam punk limo while everyone else gets in a van and I hitch a lift on the outside (I was not going to surrender myself no matter what) and they begin talks.

fatass explains that he wants our help to break into a vault to secure funds. Dictionary nearly blows our cover by going in to hard about wanting to overthrow the system (I face palm so hard at this, I swear I am the only person on the table with IRL face skills to see how dumb that was) but some bluffing from trash panda about how he paid a lot of money for this info and dictionary explaining that she really hates the system and will do anything to help overthrow it.

it is at this point I fail my strength roll, fall of the cart with a cry of "son of a *whack*" but catch up and get on the roof. not relevant but it was funny.

Finally we make it there and I jump of the roof and hide while everyone else makes it in

the club

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everyone goes into the club and they start splitting into separate things. Trash panda starts using predisposition to make cards to stack while ocelot throws stone to knock his tower over. Le macho goes with ivy to heal his cheetah and ivy proceeds to try and intimidate her with a mixture of healing and aggressive groping (she "layed her hands" on a very sensitive area while staring at her straight in her eyes the entire time) and the others chat with Harley next to a huge cage for wresting fights. Two thief's are fighting to the death as punishment for stealing from the boss, winner gets to live.

I meanwhile dress as a cleric and am accosted by the bouncer who demands 10 gold entry fee. Not wanting to start a fight and since I need to get in there I give a sob story about how I need a drink as my girlfriend cheated on me with the head priest, so he lets me in for 5 (rip-off anyway) and I promise him a drink next time I see him off duty.

During the conversation with the others, Harley goes "ow, so she's the brainy one (points at dictionary), he's the sploody guy (points at trash panda) and he's the sneaky one (points at me, still disguise buying a drink)". No one took notice but that girl is sneakier than she looks.

the first rule about fight club

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le macho joins us again and decides she want a fight. Harley says we can fight Garry, points at a skinny guy, we see a slab of muscle behind him, but it is the skinny guy.

so they get ready, Gary in Speedos and le macho in a leotard as per rules. They are introduced as le macho "angel wings" (an attempt to get in contact with other agents using the key phrase) and Garry "bane"

Then the buffing rounds starts, le macho has no buff spells prepared but bane does. So Trash panda greases her and dictionary gives her a blessing and guidance spell.

despite being unprepared she is really damn good at grapples and manages to win despite being knocked out once and reduced to 1 hp afterwards, successfully choking out bane and nearly dislocating his arm. Ocelot is thrilled as he had 10 gold bet on her, with 5/1 odds and promises the bar free drinks until 10am.

finally the others are told to rest up there, there is much to talk about in the morning (it's 3am at this point) so they rest up. I let trash panda know to meet me at the blacksmiths tomorrow.

my night

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while the fight was going on I got the sitrep of trash panda. I then proceeded to play the part of a depressed drinker. as I leave some guys try to follow but I vanish away. I make it back and find tons of city guards. I check the side alleyway, yup more guards. Just then I feel a dart hit me and I start getting sleepy.

I wake up tied to a table with a dark figure over me. It's ninja-san, our main contact. He demands to know what's going on, so I inform him about how we've been hired, and how they need cash from the vault for something. He tells us we can't let the heist go off, he can't contact us directly as the main building monitors magic and can shut down magic they don't like but he can send his apprentice to keep an eye on us and no, he will not itch my nose for me, time for more knock out drugs.

I wake up in a common room an proceed to itch my nose like crazy. IRL trash panda came back into to room from the toilet, and was very confused about my sounds of joy and satisfaction from itching my nose. I make my way to the blacksmith, successfully negotiate a corner to sleep in while I wait and I get him to make me a masterwork kusarigama based on my own.

the proposition

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the others wake up and meet with fatass. He tells them the details of the plan, but they don't like just trying to blast their way in, and suggest espionage to sneak in. He tells them it's impossible, the plans are held in the library, and no-one can possibly break in there. Dictionary pulls out the books in her bag she stole, and fatasses jaw hits the floor. He tells us that if we can get info great, or else we go ahead without it.

Trash panda passes on the message and we all meet up at the blacksmiths and inform each other what has been happening.

the heist, phase one

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we all dress up as scholarly types and infiltrate the library. The talks were still ongoing and as such we succeed in getting in. We try to split off from a guard but he waits for us. We all go to the toilet, and trash panda distracts him so I can get to the third floor, the restricted section. then le macho calls out that dictionary has fallen. He reluctantly goes in and le macho grapples him while ocelot, and dictionary flail about trying to knock him out. They finally succeed despite ocelot at one point punching le macho in the face. They decide to tie him up, lock him in the toilet with le machos panties in his mouth and his "manhood" pulled out and covered in lipstick.

They make it to the second floor and I tell one of the spellcasters to come up and help me disarm the door. dictionary comes while ocelot and trash panda (went invisible to escape the previous guard) decide now is the time to steal books on engendering and wand making. After much ado, ocelot get the book and meets back up with us, trash panda despite distracting two guards with a summoned dog he is now stuck in the lecture, so he starts coping from his book.

As ocelot and le macho go up the stairs, they get spotted by guards previously distracted coming back up. le macho goes with on, saying she needs the toilet and go to the previous toilet, with the one guard woken up and trying to call for help. She tricks the guard in there to see if "that woman" needs help, and woodshapes the door locked behind her, finally joining us upstairs.

phase two

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I get the door open and spot several rune traps. I go with dictionary, marking off all the pressure plates I can see until we get to a giant iron door. After some deliberation I use the tannoy:

Guard: Hello, who's this
Me: city secret guard, open up
Guard: what's going on?
me: we believe that some documents have been stolen from here, and we need to investigate without causing a panic
guard: I don't know, there is no record of you on the timetable
me: yes, what part of not causing a panic do you not understand
guard: I don't know, I think I have to call this up with my manager
me: do you really want to be the one to call him, breaking the secrecy of this theft and spreading panic across the city
(guard opens the door)
guard: who's the city guard?
me: I am
Guard: you don't look like a guard
me: good eye (flurry of shuriken, three shuriken smash into him (one missed from four thrown) for 30 damage)

the others jaw hit the floor at this but we get to work opening the door. We find the document but we come a cropper when we discover the room is full of knockout gas, there was a procedure to vent it but we messed it up by killing the guard and opening the door. We shut it but I'm unconscious, ocelot and le macho are drunk and dictionaries woozy. Then the tannoy starts, it's the guards downstairs, they want to talk to Garry, he's missed his checkups. Ocelot crawls over

guard: Garry, where are you, you missed your checkups
ocelot: riggght heere
guard: are you ok
ocelot: yeah, found a botttle of wissssky in ma draw, stonger thn a tought
guard: do you need help
ocelot: yeaah, could ya seeend up a replacement, I dun feel to goood
guard: well we're having some difficulty, jerry's gotten himself locked in the girls bathroom, but we'll send someone soon.

We all try to leave but le macho fails to jump over one of the presserplates and the alarms and the anti magic field go off.

phase three, the escape

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ocelot starts rigging up a barrel of gunpowder and a few grenades with dictionary to blow thought the wall. I meanwhile fill up my hand haversack with as many old books as possible. They succeed in making a small hole and we sneak through to a small recess under the roof. I guard the hole while le macho and ocelot both keep failing to break the roof tiles to get out. the guards start arguing about who goes in first so ocelot shoots through the hole making them panic. le macho during this flubs a roll and gets her foot stuck in the wall. Ocelot finally tries lighting his powder horn and throwing it down the hole, but messes up. he misses, bouncing off the top of the hole and only my reflex save kicks it through but I take some damage and become slowed down. le macho realise she's a druid so she turns into a gorilla and finally smashes a hole. We grapple down the building, I slip, but I just fall since I still have cat boots and take nearly no damage. Just then a guy comes up saying "an angel.." smashed by le macho the gorilla.

This guys was one of ninja-san guys trying to help. We take him with us, stone shape the wall and escape. after healing up he has amnesia so we leave him with a note to give to the guard warning them about the heist and head back to the club

trash panda's day out

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trash panda has spent this entire time in the lecture hall. Then the anti-magic field activates, and the guards come in tells everyone to keep calm. Trash panda then starts riling up the crowd, talking about why we need to stick around and eventually a riot breaks out, with the wizards charging out of the gates. he uses an invisibility to escape afterwards

so that was our latest session, not how to rob a vault while not letting it get robbed and not looking like we sabotage it

[TrT8r]

In his defense, we all relate most to our own experiences, and most 9 year olds don't have a lot of experience accidentally scaring people away.

It was the 11 year old. Both times. And then he took out a weapon on a little girl.

[ComaVision]

It was the 11 year old. Both times. And then he took out a weapon on a little girl.

He took out a big stick on a little girl. I don't think kids are that afraid of sticks.

EDIT: Also, it's ridiculous that he would have to do an intimidate check. If anything, the girl should have done a sense motive (or whatever equivalent skill depending on edition) check.

[TrT8r]

5e, and he rolled intimidate for jumping out of the tree, not for the quarter staff. And, I think the DM was trying to teach them a lesson about how your actions come off to an NPC. But then again, I wasn't the DM.

[Hagashager]

Like an idiot I completely missed this thread. I dun-goofed.


My absolute favorite story was in a Black Crusade campaign I was in at the end of college.

Context:
I am playing Mazirian The Magician: unbound Psyker who is Tseench aligned. In our party is a Noise-Marine aligned to Slaneesh. A Tseenchian cultist, a Khornate soldier and Nurgle Plague Marine. We are on a space-hulk that was, until recently, a haven for undivided chaos. We are sent into find out why it is starting to fracture into different factions aligned with each God.

The party has encountered a locked door.

Now, the practical thing to do here is to have the Tseenchian cultist use some rogue skills to pick the lock. BUT NO, MAZIRIAN THE MAGICIAN IS TOO GREAT TO BE LAID-LOW BY SUCH PETTY BARRIERS. THIS IS A JOB BEST SUITED TO A GREAT AND POWERFUL SORCERER KING!

I *push* Kinetic manipulation. In Black Crusade any Psyker worth his salt pushes everything, if you're not pushing all the time ,you're doing it wrong, period.

I roll on the psychic phenomenon table, I get a 78, which means I have to roll on the Perils of the Warp. I role a 92.
In an attempt to open a door with my mind I just opened a portal to Hell. It gets worse however, apparently we had been stalked by a Grey-Knight. When I opened a portal what steps through is a Bloodthirster...who is then sliced in half by a Grey Knight.

"WHO AMONG YOU IS MAZIRIAN THE MAGICIAN!?"

*everyone points to me*

"SUFFER NOT THE WITCH TO LIVE!" The Knight charges at me.
I immediately push doom-bolt. I roll on Phenomena, and get an 80, go figure. I roll on Perils and get the option to roll twice. I roll the option to be rendered mute, and a 95. 95, as it turns out, is a consciousness transfer. GM rolls his dice, and I switch places with the Tseenchian Cultist. As you can imagine, that player is not a happy camper. Thankfully though, he's able to use my psychic powers now.
except he can't, because my body's vocal cords are muted. The Grey Knight charges at my body, throws him across the room and knocks him out. The Knight then turns to me. He charges at the cultist.

The Cultist was not having a good night.
The Grey Knight cleaves me in half. The consciousness transfer ends immediately. The cultists dies and I get off with a couple broken ribs and a concussion.

That was, without question, the absolute funniest thing that has every happened in a game, ever. Even the player who was the Cultist couldn't help but laugh. It was so ridiculous that it's become a major story now, and we totally love it.

So what's your best story. I'll post more later.

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