More Funny D&D Stories

[Natediggadoggit]

DnD 4e, 3 of us, So it's our first encounter, and we were stronghanded by the city guard into cleansing their sewer system of goblins.

Our DM didn't expect us to be super lawful about everything, we kept trying to take the legal way out and talk our way out of it, instead of beating up the city guards and running, like she expected, It was her first time as a DM too, so she has to keep extending the encounter so there's something our characters are alright with fighting. I assume it's uncommon for the characters to be far more lawful than the GM expects, but it was pretty funny for us.

Well, we're in the sewer, fighting the goblins, and our avenger eviscerates one, then the goblin archers who were aiming at her roll natural 1's, so they shoot themselves in the foot, pinning themselves to the ground. The avenger turns toward them and has to double move to get to them, the goblins roll natural 1's again. They're quivering in fear now, and shoot themselves in the other foot. They're now immobilized. Our whole table is laughing pretty hard. Our avenger uses whirlwind charge and rolls high, destroying one, and then the other the next turn, the last remaining goblin in the sewer runs off, with a story about the avatar of the god of death (our avenger actually worships the raven queen, god of death in game) and tells the story. It was great.

[bulbaquil]

Our DM didn't expect us to be super lawful about everything, we kept trying to take the legal way out and talk our way out of it, instead of beating up the city guards and running, like she expected, It was her first time as a DM too, so she has to keep extending the encounter so there's something our characters are alright with fighting. I assume it's uncommon for the characters to be far more lawful than the GM expects, but it was pretty funny for us.

That happened to me, too, the first time I GM'ed a game for my current group. I was of the Zelda/Skyrim mentality that "if it's in a dungeon, it's fair game" and was surprised when the players refused to take loot from an owned mine.

[Hagashager]

My players got a taste of what happens when you leave a job unfinished. An in-game year earlier (and three real-life months) the party had taken a high priced bounty to capture an "extremely dangerous" sorcerer who had escaped from a Mage prison. It was supposed to be a low-level bounty-hunt that wouldn't take too long, and before the mage actually got the jump on them I'd have some Deus-Ex Machina NPC jump in to save them and they'd have a memorable time being a low-level party that "captured" a notorious criminal arch-mage.

The party got horrendously distracted, first plundering an ancient Lord's tomb and later getting embroiled in a Sahaugin kingdom's political revolution. After they finished said revolution the newly crowned king offered them free travel back to wherever they wanted. They chose to go back to the original town where they had taken the bounty long ago (they'd forgotten about it though.)

They return to the city to find row-upon-row of burning pyres, numerous mass graves, and legions of heavily-armored knights patrolling the city doing raids against all magic users and killing them en-masse. The party watches in horror as the supposed leader of this order of Knights steps upon a pedestal to address his new subjects:

BOW TO YOUR SORCERER KING! I CANNOT BE CONTAINED, I CANNOT BE CAGED I AM YOUR LORD!

The Party: "oh...right...well ****."

[Crownrock]

I assume it's uncommon for the characters to be far more lawful than the GM expects, but it was pretty funny for us.

You assume wrong. It's not uncommon for the players to be far more anything than the GM expects. Every GM quickly learns to stop expecting anything.

GM: "I've got this amazing campaign planned, NPCs that the players will fall in love with, a BBEG that will make them pee their pants, and puzzels that will tax their brains to the very limit!"

Rogue: "I want to kill that NPC."
Bard: "I seduce the BBEG."
Wizard: "I spend the next three sessions going shopping."
Barbarian: "The puzzle is too hard. I smash it."

[Guizonde]

You assume wrong. It's not uncommon for the players to be far more anything than the GM expects. Every GM quickly learns to stop expecting anything.

GM: "I've got this amazing campaign planned, NPCs that the players will fall in love with, a BBEG that will make them pee their pants, and puzzels that will tax their brains to the very limit!"

Rogue: "I want to kill that NPC."
Bard: "I seduce the BBEG."
Wizard: "I spend the next three sessions going shopping."
Barbarian: "The puzzle is too hard. I smash it."

"no scenario survives first contact with the players"

i think that one is one of the first rules of the "1001 bits of advice for beginning dm's".

first campaign i dm'd and finished, the players decided to keep a typical security guard as a pet. said npc was a random profile, nothing special. dude became one of the most powerful members of the company my players started. being chamberlain for monsanto was a hell of a promotion. the players revealed to me about 3 years later that what made them do it was the npc blurted out "i've got a wife and 3 kids!" a stupid throwaway line to show their intimidation check worked saved his life in front of 4 omnicidal psychopaths. needless to say, i didn't expect it. being half-drunk and improvising by this point in the campaign, i rolled with it.

the next campaign as a player, the dm didn't expect my character (a clinical sociopath) to be awesome with kids. or to hold up a toy store to give every kid i saw a teddy bear. i did it for kicks and giggles (and collecting teddy bears). turned out really useful a bit later on when a street urchin sold us our safety in exchange for 5 toys.

[dehro]

remember how when I last told you how a party of epic level characters were held up for days doing mundane chores for npcs on their quest to recruit allies for the final fight?
now we're the next plane over, trying to get on the good side of The Red Knight in order to get her legions. To do so, we enter a tournament which at one points pits our bard against the leader of the party, a paladin of Tyr with the sacred template and an AC as near as makes no difference to unbeatable.
not standing a snoflake's chance in hell but still determined to show valour in battle, the bard whom the paladin happens to low key have a thrist with, decides to cast the only spell in her arsenal that gives her a little breathing room, Otto's irresistible dance.
So there, for the entire arena to see, is our glorious leader, dancing up a sweat in his full plate armour.
this happens repeatedly. in fact every time he regains control, he gets hit by it.
Finally out of spells, the bard concedes victory, but the damage to the paladin's reputation is done. Fighters from the multiverse and an arena full of spectators are spreading the fabulous tale into the wind.
after the session ended, I may or may not have suggested in private conversation with the DM, that the proud paladin be regaled with a spontaneously appearing ballerina outfit, sitting next to his armour, when he wakes up in the morning...every morning.
we'll see if he goes for it.

[TrT8r]

Simple story- I thought that this thread was dead. I then noticed that there was another page .

[rebelpyroflame]

Welcome back true believers, to the continuing chronicles of how many explosions we can make in as many ways possible.

the players

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Jaune (me) – ninja, coward, sole survivor on multiple occasions (not today)
Ocelot – gunslinger, easily triggered
Le macho aka Simme with an e – druid who really didn't know how strong their spells are
Dictionary – lore oracle, wannabe passive observer
Trash panda – sorcerer, low roller for life

last time, we made our biggest explosion yet, I'm running off back into the city while the others drag their collective beaten asses back to down

the journey back, Jaune's tale

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I made my way into town. Everyone has been woken up and is milling about. I sneak into an ally to change from the guard’s uniform. One close call I get changed, make my way to an inn for the night. I "explain" how I got kicked out as the place I was staying at was next to the blast, so I need a place to sleep. I get a seat in the common room, wake up early and head back to the bar. On the way, I see wanted posters for me and ocelot in our guard uniforms and trash panda in his genuine appearance. I make my way back with little or no problems.

so, boring for me, but nice and safe. Looks like it pays to run when things go bad.

The journey back, the rest of the crew part one – failings and failures

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Since they were still fairly bloodied from the whole exploding barn thing, they decide to head north away from the city before heading in through another entrance. Unfortunately, they run into a whole battalion of guards who just exited that entrance to investigate. They try to hide in a field. Ocelot and le macho successfully hide, while dictionary and trash panda IMMEDIATELY fall over each other and get spotted. They leave two guards behind to take them back to the barracks while the rest march on.

Ocelot and Simme decide to do all they can to save their comrades. Using their years of experience with stealth and espionage, Simme sneaks up and get spotted immediately. Using skills and tactics developed by foxhound, attempts to crawl on his belly behind Simme to sneak closer, gets spotted immediately. The other guard panics at more people being here starts smacking the hell out of trash panda to knock him out. He tries summoning a silent image of a huge troll to scare them off. Neither guard believes it for a second. Dictionary decides she’s LITERALLY going to sit down and watch all this happen.

Now the previously mentioned battalion are still close by, any loud noise like a gunshot or the guards shouting could bring all of them back darn quick. So, they need to take these guys out quickly and quietly, so ocelots guns are right out. Simme decides to fight the guard, but they both end up flailing ineffectually. Trash panda tries to bluff the guard by asking “why are you hitting me?”. It does nothing. Dictionary is still sitting on the grass watching trash panda get beaten up. Finally, Ocelot decides now is the time for dramatic action, and runs like a small child. Trash panda, glad to finally have a plan, casts grease on the guard hitting him and runs as well. Dictionary decides now is a decent time to contribute and casts obscuring mist over the guard and the grease before running herself. Simme decides to cast entangle, and is shocked at just how far the radius is, trapping both guards and running freely over the difficult terrain.

Not going to lie, this entire time I was thinking that they had found a way to team wipe on two basic grunts, and that in character I would have to explain to the guild master how I had survived yet another team wipe.

(side note, HAHAHAHA Ocelot kept giving me crap for bailing from six guards with 30 on the way in a barn full of gunpowder, next session he runs from two)

Part two – trespassing and infiltration

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They successfully run and decide between them that they are not making it back to the city tonight. They also turn down trash panda’s suggestions of crossing essentially the river Thames on the back of a six round summoned dolphin, or the same with a raft pulled by said dolphins. So, they all find a barn in a nearby orchard to sleep in after healing up. When they wake up, trash panda has a crossbow shoved in his face (DM rolled randomly for it, he’s just that unlucky) and the old farmer angrily demanding why they’re in his barn. One quick story about coming from afar to town and needing a place to sleep, and a few silver pieces, they have got themselves a nice homemade breakfast. He even offers them a ride into town on the back of his cart, with Simme riding shotgun.

As they approach Simme spots the wanted posters and the checkpoint coming up. A quick bit of planning later and Ocelot and trash panda go invisible when they arrive. Simme then starts chatting to the guard as they inspect the wagon, finding only one passenger (who does not have a wanted poster yet) and he start relating about how “close they came to catching them, he was THIS close to them last night but they got away from him and…...” he suddenly starts looking at Simme in a scrutinizing way. Turns out this was the guard who was smacking trash panda, so he sorts of recognises her but not enough just yet. They just about manage to fill out paperwork and get into the city, carefully avoiding the farmers questions about weren’t their more of us, what happened to them.

They start making their way down to the bar, keeping to alleyways to avoid being spotted, but find their way blocked by another checkpoint. They decide the only way is down, back in the sewers, but they must wade through “the murky depths” to get out. They then find themselves close to where the first explosion was, with several builders nearby. After several overly-complicated plans are suggested to distract them, OOC I point out that this world should be fairly used to hiring groups of adventurers to deal with any little problem, like say an overpopulation of giant rats, so they just pop out, turn to the builders and say, “giant rats, am I right?”. After all this they finally make their way back to the bar where I have been happily waiting since early morning, I got through town before the checkpoints were installed.

So finally, we were all back together AND we could begin planning the heist.


The big Plan

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The building consists of four stories, two above ground, two below.

*First Floor – offices and management
*Ground floor – Reception, meeting rooms, elevators/stairs to basement one
*Basement one – Low security, several store rooms with safe deposit boxes inside for basic level security. In the centre of the room there are areas filled with Gems, Gold, Silver and Copper Pieces, but they are all magically marked and traceable. At the back is the elevator to Basement two, which can only be operated by guard stations on both floors simultaneously
*Basement Two – several maximum-security deposit box rooms line the walls and in the centre, is all the gold bullion they keep. There is also a printing press for making coins that also mark them with a magic seal, guaranteeing their authenticity.

Our objective was the Bullion on basement two, with a bonus for getting our hands on enough of the machines to start printing out the cash. Mr Quinn would send his three girls with us, but he could not be implicated in anything illegal. He had some basic supplies, but only a bag of holding version 4 for storing the loot in, no magic items. The girls:

*jess – martial artist/barbarian, immature, crazy but nearly unstoppable in a fight
*Isis – rogue, good at disabling traps and incredibly nasty with a whip
*rose – cleric, great at charm and healing spells

Ocelot finally had a chance to inspect the Crystals he stole from the barn. They could activate an anti-magic field when knocked, but could also change into four colours:

*white – acts as a light spell
*gold – allows the user to activate spells in an anti-magic field
*blue – acts as a passkey for certain alarm spells, but only the ones they are attuned to
*red – the DM forgot, he may remember at some point

Without wasting time FOREVER trying to map everything out over a period of months IRL, we decided on a basic plan. Isis, rose, Dictionary and Trash panda would pose as a group of wizards. Jaune, Ocelot, Jess and Simme would be their body guards. The “wizards” would want to deposit a large collection of rare and valuable tomes (the books I stole from the library) into the maximum-security vault. Once down there, we would find a way to get some members away from the main group to loot what they could, then leave.

(By this point we had turned down many plans from Trash panda including getting his hands on a glitter disco ball rock to mage hand as a distraction, getting his hands on a wizard with corpse shape to make a body look like his then set up an over the top scene to make it look like a guard had died while killing him to help relieve city tension and finally blowing up a nearby building to draw the guards away from the bank for a short time while they dealt with it.)

The heist, part one – getting in

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We all dress the part, wear proper disguises to conceal our identity’s, go through the sewers to avoid the checkpoint (we have a better way this time that does not require going though sewage water) and make our way there. We notice two large statues either side that a quick spellcheck conforms are stone golems, so we really need to get this right without starting a fight. We are quickly greeted and trash panda does well at playing the part. We are sent to a meeting room, complete with a scrying crystal security camera, and jess quickly gets bored. Trash panda finds a book to give her to read about myths and legends (why it was in the meeting room I have no idea), she immediately announces that she can’t read, shrugs and starts absentmindedly tearing pages out. We are met by a gnome bank teller, and we begin are tale of coming to deposit rare magical books. We ask for a tour, to see the service we are paying for before buying, and so he takes us to the first security check point. Unfortunately, we know just how heavy the security will come down on us so we hand over all our weapons and equipment.

The heist, part two – stupid midgets

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The gnome takes us downstairs and after getting thought the first security door maned by a dwarf he takes us to a small room to check what we are depositing. I hint at rose now would be a good time to do her stuff (charm him), but she either didn’t understand or didn’t care.

A bit of background to understand what is about to happen. I stole these books from the forbidden section of the library we had robbed previously. Our DM was very keen to punish me for this and so had lined these books with various traps, explosive runes, so that the first time I tried to read my spoils he’d get me. I never read them, why would I, I’m a ninja not a wizard. Once he had to stop Dictionary from reading them off hand when he asked us what we were doing before we went to sleep so he could keep the trap set for me.

The gnome opens the book and the first page is a giant glowing rune. Thanks to a combination of reflex saves and high health, we all survive. The gnome however has now been splattered all over the room and us. I proceeded to start yelling at rose why didn’t she charm him when I said to, a small argument back and forth breaks out between us until I get her to channel energy to heal us after the blast. Trash panda starts using magic to clean us and the room.

Ocelot goes to get someone to help/replace our tour guide. He finds the dwarf and tries to explain that our guide hurt himself because he didn’t listen to us, could he go get the manager so we can complain. The dwarf is confused and doesn’t know what to do until he suddenly starts looking dopey, rose has followed and charmed him so he couldn’t mess things up for us. We tell him to go find us a new bank teller to take us to basement two.

While we wait a second gnome comes with a rich woman to use the room. We bluff him, telling him about the accident, the gnome is injured, we have our cleric looking after him and we sent someone for the manager. The dwarf comes back. He got confused and has no idea what he was doing. Rose claims dwarfs are resistant to her spells a little more than others, so we lure the other gnome back and tell him to take us to the second elevator. We get to the lift, but the gnome is pretty out of it. We try bluffing that thanks to his incompetence he got mind scrambled, and that it is lucky we disabled that rune of insanity quickly or he’d be trying to eat people. Still he can’t provide the word of the day but the guard calls the manger. We are all prepared for things to go bad here but then the manager comes UP from the basement two level. He’s another gnome but he doesn’t dress like a bank manager, he dresses like a chav.

The heist, part three – deeper depths

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There is something immediately suspicious about this guy. He clearly knows we’re up to something, but he takes us down with him, heck he even sends everyone down their back up, he needs the room for a bit. He then casts a spell we identify as an anti scrying spell before telling us we can drop the act, he knows why we’re here but he’s surprised that we’re such a mixed sort doing this. Trash panda is a good guy, while that one (jess) particularly nasty. I challenge him “if you know so much about why we’re here, why don’t you show us your hand first, why aren’t you just turning us in”. First, he casts a sleep spell, leaving only trash panda (left alone since he detects he’s actually an alright guy), Isis, dictionary and ocelot awake. Then he casts another spell. Ocelot goes in for a punch, not liking this guy’s moves, but he brushes it aside.

DM – “he starts changing, growing scales”

Ocelot – (in head) “oh crud, oh crud, oh crud”

DM – “they are copper coloured”

Ocelot – (in head) “oh thank god”

YEP, THE BANK MANAGER IS A COPPER DRAGON. WE ARE SCREWED IF WE TRY TO FIGHT HIM. Ocelot is crapping himself, Isis is so far out of her depth she can’t comprehend it, dictionary is unphased and Trash panda couldn’t care, he’s too enthralled by the thought of a dragon owning a bank/in love with this hunk of fire breathing lizard to care. Luckily as a Copper dragon he’s not evil so he won’t just kill us out of hand. It’s at this point that dictionary and trash panda remember that they can both speak draconic, so they explain we can’t talk in front of the girls. So, he wakes up our group (not the girls) and asks us to get out of the way, he can deal with Isis he just needs a line of sight. Sure enough, he knocks her out and we explain everything. It turns out he’s had experience with our guild (the guild of the white lotus, this is the first time any of us had heard it named) but he knows our guild master. Turns out, he’s also a dragon, what you thought one small guild master would be consulted about a coup like this?

He introduces himself properly as Bartholomew (we call him Bart, he likes it) won’t directly help us, but we amuse him so he will help us with our mission. He says that he will hold the girls for now (something about how they are not such bad sorts, he knows them and doesn’t want to just kill them. I say it’s because the DM and I spent too long making their sheets and characters to just kill them) although he refuses to let me take their equipment (the DM knows I know they have about 30K of magic stuff EACH and he refuses to let me exploit this) and he will call some of his boys to makes some new printing plates (we had between us decided to steal this part, as that’s all the mafia needed to start making magically tagged gold pieces for racketing the gold) with a different seal so the gold could easily be tracked rather than impossible to track, and a small portion of the gold. The problem is he needs to make a show of our escape, make it look convincing. “Tell me, how do you feel about explosions?”

That’s where we ended. Side note, Trash panda rolled about six 20’s that didn’t count for one reason or another (skill checks, joke rolls, rolls he didn’t need to make) but he kept rolling low or 1’s constantly throughout the game.

[EZCheez]

All of these are amazing stories, and the DMs seem to have their game down. The following stories are provided by my current group of beginners, with me as the DM barely keeping an adventure together.

Party: Dragonborn sorcerer named Geoffrey the Stab (He got the name from only using a pair of scissors to murder a BBEG last adventure)
A cat-women named named Damori who is homebrew class called scholar (+10 to diplomacy, wisdom checks, intelligence checks, etc. -10 all combat)
A human tone-deaf bard called Camille who's profession is freelance artist.
and a drug addict named Bloodreign who was created to be the ultimate edgelord.

Basically they were all drafted to the army, except the dragonborn, he was more blackmailed into it. They are on their first mission when a nuke explodes. Everyone flips out and they all file onto a cargo jet halfway through refueling. They fly away to the nearest city where they crash-land after jumping out of the cargo bay in a monster truck (a hummer with some Ex Machina'd suspension). The glove box of the hummer was home to a time traveling pixie who immediately antagonized the entire party, Camille rolled to mid-air strangle it, she rolled a 1. I ruled she squeezed the pixie to hard and it defecated. Now everyone starts to have a laugh until Camille shouts "I SHOOT THE FAIRY", yes, mid-air. I ruled it was a -6 to accuracy. Camille's luck proceeds and gets a 1. She shoots Geoffrey in the foot with a pistol. Bloodreign also hates the fairy, so as they smash to the ground (they all passed fort checks). She rolled to shoot the fairy again. Rolls a 1. Bloodreign shoots Damori with a pistol, at this point Camille's player shouts "FOOT SHOOTING PARTY!" and Bloodreign obliterates Geoffrey's foot with a sawed off shotgun. Geoffrey pulls out an uzi and pegs Camille. The pixie is defecating furiously throughout the entire ordeal until Geoffrey runs away to the historical district where (by meta gaming and messing the rules) finds a 600 year old construct in a cavern, jumps in for teh lolz. In his last moments of conciousness says "Metal... Legs" rolls low on charisma, passes out. Wakes up with golden eggs from the knee down. When police show up to the hummer, bloodreign is carted away on an ambulance, Camille rolls to grab the bumper of the ambulance and rolls a 11, barely passing. Bloodreign wakes up, knocks out 2 paramedics. Camille grabs onto the handles on the back of the ambulance just as Bloodreign kicks them open. Bloodreign rolls a 20, Camille rolls a 1. Both Camille's arms are pulled off as Bloodreign kicks open the doors (1 handle on each door). Meanwhile, Damori walks away, stealing the pixie, and jams him head first into an Uzi. No bullets but the clicking sound still happens, the pixie starts screaming as the clicking noise from the gun being out of bullets is amplified inside the barrel. While this plays out i secretly plot that they all get a +2 for foot shootings secretly.


Poorly written, Not very funny, Improper capitalizations. First post, whatcha gonna do.

[TrT8r]

I have had the Big Bad not-so-evil Guy following my PCs throughout the dungeon, which is a swamp. I have dropped obvious hints that he is the main enemy, but they think nothing of it. Heck, one of them calls him their friend. For example, the BBEG told them to turn back on the dungeon, or perish, hinting that he will kill them. He thinks that the BBEG is warning him of danger. Another example:
Me: you hear a rustling in the canopy and get a fleeting glance of a shadowy figure running in the trees.
Everyone: eh, probably a monkey or something.
They have seen traps, illusions, animals provoked into attacking them and yet they still don't get it. EX:
Me: You hear a loud noise, like a screech and then the thumping of a stampede coming at you.
Step brother: I wonder what scared them?
I should mention that the BBEG is a druid who is protecting an ancient monument called the druid stones hidden within the swamp. He also kidnapped a gnome antiquarian (look it up) who got a little to close to the site.

[TrT8r]

GM: "I've got this amazing campaign planned, NPCs that the players will fall in love with, a BBEG that will make them pee their pants, and puzzels that will tax their brains to the very limit!"

Rogue: "I want to kill that NPC."
Bard: "I seduce the BBEG."
Wizard: "I spend the next three sessions going shopping."
Barbarian: "The puzzle is too hard. I smash it."

This is true. This is what happens. This is AWESOME. Mind if I Sig parts of this?

[Crownrock]

This is true. This is what happens. This is AWESOME. Mind if I Sig parts of this?

Sure thing. Just, if you copy the misspelled "puzzle," go ahead and fix that. Don't want my typo immortalized.

[TrT8r]

Thanks!
Anyways, I have a story from this past Wednesday. I was at my D&D session, and I brought a friend and was teaching him to play and making him a character. I Heard this conversation from the table.
D(Wizard): I shove the goblin into the sack.
DM:... The goblin is at full health, you know.
D: I know. I shove him in the sack.
DM: *Sighs* ... Roll strength.
Later, I heard this.
DM: You took an innocent goblin, shoved him in a sack, and now you want to beat him to death.
D and P (ranger): *Maniacal laughter* YES!!!
I stop what I am doing and look at them with a face of mixed horror and confusion.
Later, my friends character, named Billy Mays the Paladin, and me, a halfling sorcerer, join the group. This happens.
DM: You see this bulky Human stumble in to your camp.
Me: I ready shocking grasp.
P: I shoot him with my bow.
D: I throw a dagger into his eye.
DM to D: You know what? Make an attack roll if you really want to.
D: I WAS JOKING!!!
There is more. Me, D, and P started running through the forest. We all trip. P falls down, D falls on P and I fall on D. P goes into the negatives, and we have no healer. We need to take him back to camp, so D takes the most obvious solution.
D: I shove him in a sack.

[TrT8r]

I was DMing, and we had gotten to the big fight; a druid and a couple of awakened plants.
My players were DECIMATING. All the enemies kept on missing, and they thought the fight unusually easy. The ranger even got in one really powerful hit in on the tree (13 damage out of 41 hit points)
Right up until they found out how much damage the awoken tree could do.
Tell me, when a ranger falls in the forest, does the tree make a sound?

[Crownrock]

Here's a story from the very first game I ever played. It was a party of five using the premade characters for Mines of Phandolen, and we were all level one. We made our way in to the cave at the beginning, and found a tall ledge with a passage way at the top. One of the fighters decided to climb up the ledge, but rolled low on his strength check, fell siren, and nearly died. So the other fighter gave it a try, ave failed. I figured, as a war cleric with a high strength, I should be able to make it. Nope. Then the rogue, using acrobatics instead of athletics failed.
Finally, with most of the party nearly dead, our wizard, with a -2 STR and 0 DEX mod gave it a shot. Nat 20, only to find himself gave to face with three goblins, a bugbear, and a trained wolf, all by his lonesome.
He proceeded to destroy everything, using only his staff (he didn't want to waste a spell slot), rolling high on every attack while the DM kept rolling <10. Meanwhile, the rest of us knocked ourselves unconscious trying to climb that stupid ledge to help him. The rogue then failed three consecutive death saves.

[Jerrykhor]

My party of 6 was up against some fey creatures that love to spew some poison that stuns. The poison wasn't that nasty (DC12 Con save), but there were 4 of those creatures that keep spamming that stuff in a cone area.

Our Cleric was a guy who is notorious for having very bad rolls. And that day was one of the many times where he constantly rolled 1s and 2s. He was stunned from start for 3 rounds, and the boss died in the 4th round with the few surviving creatures scattering, so the fight was pretty much over. He was supposed to be stunned in the 4th round too, but he rolled too early because it was not his turn yet (he just barely failed the save with a roll of 11), so the DM ignored that roll. The rest of us were never stunned for more than 1 round, and I was particularly lucky, never stunned at all. So the Cleric was very salty about not able to do anything in the whole fight, other than taking damage from all the poison flying around.

I have not seen anyone fail a DC12 save for 4 consecutive rounds, its hilarious and sad at the same time. He only needed to roll 10 or more, as he had 14 con, but still failed to do it.

[Spookykid]

Recently I convinced the party to attack rocks while a big evil entity was about to come through a portal to our plane of existence and kill everyone. I did have a good reason to be upset with them and they were acting kinda dumb so I figured why not.

[Crownrock]

The worst game I ever played was one of my first on Roll20. The DM had a living world, with three sessions a week, and a ton of players. They had already been playing for a few weeks when I joined, and they were very immersed, role playing their downtime in the forums, buying property and opening businesses. It was a little overwhelming for a noob like me.
My first session went alright, but kind of boring. But that was mostly because I was first level, and the rest of the group ranged from 3-5, so I just couldn't do much.
My second session was horrible though. I think the DM had taken on more than he could handle alone, and it was starting to show.
The game started with everyone discussing their downtime activities... For an hour and a half. Finally, the DM got around to asking what I did during the downtime.
Me: Uhh... What can I do? Can i train?
DM: Sure, that will cost you X gold per day.
Me: I don't have that much. Can I just hang out in the batavern and drink?
DM: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry. Sure, you can do that.
Me: Then I guess I've been on a bender for the past week.
DM: You mean you Eat, Drink, and Be Merry.
Me: Yeah, my character just spent the whole week wasted.
DM: No, he can't "get wasted," or "go on a bender." You Eat, Drink, and Be Merry.
Me: Okay, sorry. I Eat, Drink, and Be Merry, but not necessarily in that order. More of #2 than anything.

(Aside: The only reason I was so intent on having my character drunk was because the DM was being such a stickler. It was annoying me.)

So I had missed a few sessions at this point, and I was still only level two, way behind the rest of the party again, which meant that I spent most of the session, as a fighter, hiding behind the wizard for protection, being ignored by the war cleric who thought he was a barbarian and didn't realize his healing spells work on people besides himself. We got railroaded in to a castle that had been ransacked by kobolds, and as soon as we walked through the door, the screen went black.

The rest of the party started talking about non game related stuff, clearly all familiar with one another. Since I didn't know anyone, I was kind of left out of the conversation. So I waited. And waited. Forty-five minutes later, the map is up. (I later watched the session on the DM's YouTube channel, we had been waiting on him to draw and populate three map that he railroaded us to.)

At this point, I was getting sick of it, and bored out of my mind. We had a narrow hallway, with kobold archers at the end, and I just charged face first in to a volley of arrows. I didn't care.

The session went on another three hours, but I spent the entire time watching YouTube videos in another tab, checking in every ten minutes or so. No one bothered to pick me up. They ran right by my unconscious body, cleared the entire castle, then went home. That was the last time I played with that group.

[TrT8r]

Good for you. They seem like jerks. I've had my fair share of being left out as well. It isn't fun.

[Braininthejar2]

I'm GMing a campaign based on Baldur's Gate series, and at some point I decided to make Tazok the half ogre a recurring boss.

First he was killed in part 1, when the party besieged his camp. he was mostly remembered for being the first to kill a party member.

Then in part 2, he was ressurected, and returned as Firkragg's lackey, leading a group hired to frame the party - he was killed again, and this time the player skinned his body to make a cloak (she's a druid, and weird like this)

When they finally attacked Firkragg's lair, it turned out that he had a deepspawn defending it, and he had fed it with what was left of Tazok's body - so by the time they got there, there were three more of him for the party to kill.

Last session the player got tested in the pocket plane, facing a 'what if' scenario pitting her against an evil version of herself. She listened calmly to the description of her Iron Throne counterpart, her wizard cohort, the traitor guard captain, and Tamoko, but the moment I mentioned Tazok, she interrupted me to frostfell the whole bunch.

[TrT8r]

I have just made the most bloodthirsty Warlock ever.
Pact of the chain, imp familiar, tiefling, dagger for a tail, The fiend for a patron, almost all my spells are combat related, slightly insane, extremely violent. All of his weapons are designed for maximum carnage (EX: Sickle has spikes for tearing up flesh). His patron commands him to kill first, destroy the remains later. He has a habit of making himself as freaky as possible before battle (thaumaturgy, makes eyes look like they are crackling with electricity, armor of Agathys), and enjoys 'playing' with his kills.
Oh yes. He is going to be fun.
On a side note, my characters make cameos in my campaigns. Example, their forest guide is Raggenayl, my ranger.

[TrT8r]

Sorry for the frequent posting.
Another story.
I was DMing with my family. I decided to give my step mom a uncommon magic item because it was her birthday. She chose gauntlets of ogre power.

Spoiler: The cast

Show

S: stepmom; rock gnome rogue with EPIC stats for lvl 1.
M: Dad; Hill dwarf cleric with +0 or -1 to everything except for wisdom.
K: step sister; wood elf sorceress. Doesn't do anything unless someone else does it.

That is everyone who matters. Here's the story.
Me: You walk forward, and suddenly you hear a loud 'WHACK' and a stampede of animals comes up behind you.
K: I jump up a tree.
Me:... ok roll acrobatics.
K: *Nat 20*
Me: You hop up like it's nothing and land perfectly on a branch.
Anyways, a turn or two with the chase has gone, when this happens.
S: I'm light right? I try to jump onto M's shoulders.
M: *OoC*: Wait what?! I have a strength of -1.
Me: Are you sure? In real life, this would be extremely difficult.
S: Yes.
And then a series of rolls. S: acrobatics; passes, lands on M. M: strength, fails to catch a 30 pound gnome. He then succeeds on a DEX save to stay on his feet. S: strength to hold on to M, fails, falls off, fails to roll to her feet.
She almost got trampled, but I let her go. There was much friendly argument between S and M, about why it would have succeeded or failed.
I don't know about you, but something about a big dwarf failing to support a 30 pound gnome seems funny to me.

[EZCheez]

one time (way back) i was playing a homebrew engine i created. Set in a modern little to no magic game, in which the military was everything. I played a fairy barbarian, I attacked with a thumbtack that was basically a polymorphed dagger. My friend played what she called "Dank lord dungeon doomster" which was an orc that was armed only with an Iphone that disintegrated it's enemys with dank memes. My other friend played a griffin centaur that duel wielded sawed off shotguns terminator style.
When the campaign started I ruled they were in bootcamp. First turn for griffin, flys right the eff up out of there and gets shot down by anti-aircraft weapons. She was at -11 but I pulled some ex machina and revived her. Their first mission was to diffuse a bunch of landmines nonlethally. Fairy (strength of 19 btw) pulled up a rock twice his height and lobbed it into the field. kabooya. A bunch of Kobolds who were living under that field for 300 years spewed out, all screaming the end is nye, blah blah. Dank lord dungeon doomster exposed them to dank memes. I re-rolled them into a class called "Fake Emo" and they got snapchat accounts and bad haircuts as they walked off taking selfies. Next mission was to actually go out and attack the next continent in a bunch of other people as an outfit. Upon landing they got mortered, presumed dead. Only survivers, in fact. I thought they were going to be brave and carry on the mission but nope. DLDD got addicted to heroine and sold the others as slaves to pay for it. The pixie got out of the cuffs and broke free the griffin. They decided to carry on, but the crime mafia-people told Dank lord they had to catch her if they wanted more of dah good stuff.

Basically turned into a really bad scooby doo moment where she kept missing them until she found pixie and griffin and decided to ride with them, after not getting the stuff for 2 months she broke the habit. Then, on the final mission, they had to fight a dude who was bombing their country because there were no McDonalds franchises in his country.
The group dispatched them, went home. crime people broke dank lords knee caps after trying to bribe them with memes. Griffin kills some hoodlums by wing smacking them, flys away, never to be seen again (was hit by a commercial airliner) and the pixie went back to his office job, repeatedly asking for help after he couldn't hold his cup under the water cooler.

(again, sorry for awful grammer, spelling, and overall story structure.)

[Werty2001]

One time, my party and I were stuck in a tunnel that could only fit one person at a time and being beginners we stuck our barbarian in the back with our sorcerer. A fight broke out in the middle of the tunnel and half the party could'nt participate so our babarian decided to take a nap. Our sorcerer had ink and a quill with him so mid battle he draws a penis on the barbarian's forehead. Everyone in the party just couldn't stop laughing.

[TrT8r]

One time, my party and I were stuck in a tunnel that could only fit one person at a time and being beginners we stuck our barbarian in the back with our sorcerer. A fight broke out in the middle of the tunnel and half the party could'nt participate so our babarian decided to take a nap. Our sorcerer had ink and a quill with him so mid battle he draws a penis on the barbarian's forehead. Everyone in the party just couldn't stop laughing.

Seems like the logical thing to do.

[dehro]

Heh... when my character died around the end of our last campaign, we were almost at epic levels, I created a whisper gnome rogue with focus on dual wielding and feats to enhance his melee skills... I was mostly expecting the final big fight to come up and that to be it, so I didn't mother with much else in the character creation process.
At some stage we end up in narrow tunnel that is magically closing/creeping up behind us forcing us at a steady pace. At the end of the tunnel is door, which is locked.
So obviously I go to try and open the door. Since the character is brand new, I look up my ranks in open lock on the sheet.
Apparently I didn't put any in there. After much squeezing and huffing and puffing, the Favored Soul in our party had to waste a miracle in order to get the door open in time to escape the rapidly approaching wall that would otherwise have crushed us.
Building a 20th lv rogue without any lockpicking skills earned me some pointed barbs for a while.

[SithLordSchrute]

Our four man lvl 3 group: dragonborn paladin, dragonborn fighter, dwarf cleric(npc), and tiefling warlock (me).

We get to the end of this cave where the cavern is littered with various piles of bone and an alter to one side with a book. So we are already suspicious, being a horror campaign, and cast all the detect spells we can. The only thing that stood out, aside from the evil cave that drank up any blood and bodies, was an area around the alter that had this strange magic. So I cast mage hand and grabbed the book, that disappointed the dm, then we decide to activate the magic perimeter with my familiar and have us ready actions attack whatever came out.

What came out was a Homebrew monster that our dm had us roll knowledge check for, it is a cross between a bone naga and a three headed hydra. Only the npc cleric passed and long story short told us to run or die. We run but dwarf cleric is slow, and it catches up to dwarf and instantly brings him down to 2 hp. We save him by distracting him with my familiar because it is blind. I had it draw the monster to an unexplored tunnel and what does it find? A griant freaking scorpion. Naturally we lead the bone naga to the scorpion and had them fight each other.

Just image it for a second, a giant scorpion vs a three headed bone naga. My character wanted some popcorn while he watched. Best part is the scorpion died, we received the xp for it and my familiar opened a chest with gold and a Jewel that I didn't share with the group. Good times.

[GuesssWho]

I was in a one-shot not long ago where we had to prevent crazy cultists from dragging the moon down to earth. We sabotaged their calculations so that the magic chains they were using missed the moon and fell right back onto their mountings, resulting in about 500 consecutive thor strikes and reducing the whole area to a crater.

The funny bit is that 1, we were level two and 2, the setting was My Little Pony.

[TrT8r]

I was in a one-shot not long ago where we had to prevent crazy cultists from dragging the moon down to earth.

Legend of Zelda much?
Anyways, I was DMing today, and the players were trying to find and rescue townsfolk from kobalds and cultists. They got disguises from an earlier battle, and I rolled, and they encountered max enemies. 2 cultists and 8 kobalds, and 5 townsfolk. This was going to be a really hard fight, so the players tried to make the enemies go away by telling them that they will take care of the people. Cue me rolling a crit fail for sense motive. All 10 enemies shrugged and wandered off. I was dissatisfied, so I rolled random encounters, and then facepalmed. 6 more townsfolk showed up. So, I set up an ambush for them and the townsfolk. 2 critical hits later, and one dex save crit failed, all of the enemies are either shishkabobs or piles of fine ash.
The session ended with the rangers trying to eat rats on a arrow (ratkabob).

[Hagashager]

The session before my most recent one of the party fighters was killed in a heroic sacrifice to save the rest of the party from a Kraken noticing them. He then rolled a new character, a Dwarf fighter using hand-to-hand and improvised weaponry (acting as a proficiency he had to learn) He's roll playing a Dwarven Monk.

In my setting most of the races are not fond of each other, Dwarves and Elves are no exception. The Half-Elf Druid, however, is a tolerant sort, and doesn't take kindly to racism of any sort. Which prompts this interaction:

Callus (Druid): "I see we have a new member."
Krass: "Yes, everyone, say hello to Zanek, a missionary from the Dwarven city of Ozmar, he's agreed to travel with us for a time."
Callus *OOC*: "Is your character okay with elves/half-elves, or is he like all the other Dwarves we've encountered?"
Zanek *OOC and very casually*: "Oh dude, he's as racist as they come." *IC* : "Ye go' ah knife-ears with ye?"
Callus: "At least I can reach the top shelf, mud-muncher."
Krass: "Yes, Zanek, I think you'll fit right in."