More Funny D&D Stories

[Geigan]

So this just happened in our Pathfinder game, and I felt the need to chronicle it.

Strange Aeons is a nasty module. For those of you who are not familiar/still plan to play this, the rest will be spoilered.

Spoiler: Strange Aeons Spoilers, Book 3

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Background: Around book 3 there is a point at which you start venturing into the dream realms through a special ritual, and start having to collect some macguffins. As a part of this, you can die in the dream, but you don't get perma-killed. No instead you get semi-permanent madnesses applied that can't be removed except through higher level magic.

During these adventures our rogue got hit with Multiple Personality Disorder, and due to their already low will save pretty much always is switching around to some new personality whenever they enter and leave the dream. It's even better because they're a doppelganger and they switch appearances to match each personality as it comes up.

So we're dealing with that and we decide to go after the next macguffin on our list. The night hag ambassador's heartstone. We use our special dream ritual and end up in a nice royal room, filled with courtiers and the ambassador herself. Plush pillows, fine wines, and some zither music. Real posh little place. The rogue reveals his personality for the moment as a kobold. This kobold hears the music, and his first reaction is to run up to the musician and smash the instrument shouting, "NO MORE MUSIC!"

You see Olp Firebane (as the doppelganger/kobold didn't get a chance to call himself), hates three things: Light, Laughter, and Music.

So the first thing that happens upon arriving to try and smooze our way through a social intrigue encounter with this night hag ambassador is some random kobold rogue begins assaulting her musician. Bad start you'd think, right?

Then the GM has him roll 3 fort saves all of the sudden. We're all suddenly confused. The rogue rolls them and the GM describes a strange mechanism in the instrument activating upon it being smashed that jabbed the rogue with a few syringes. The rogue fails one of the saves and instantly dies, getting ejected from the dream by a fort save or die poison.

The ambassador then suddenly gasps and shouts, "He's an assassin! Get him and I'll pay you anything!"

Our gunslinger wins initiative and drops him in one round to a full attack. We then asked her for her heartstone obviously, as that was what we'd come for. Our psion (me) used read thoughts as she was doing this (because what we did know was that she was a cheat) and caught her trying to stiff us, called her out on it, and then got the real thing since she didn't want to be caught lying to avoid losing face.

The encounter, as our GM described it to us afterwards, had to do with us helping the night hag find an assassin among her courtiers. I have to stress neither us nor the rogue knew that before he decided to smash the instrument. We finished a social intrigue encounter that probably would've taken at least an hour or more, in about 5-10 minutes.

So yeah, I just spent the extra session time we didn't use on that encounter typing this up and learning to breath again after laughing too hard.

[Jaxter Gronaldi]

Cast:
Steve: human sorc who flows for backstory reasons. Fire bolts anything that moves.
Luke: a ranger who specializes in hitting things.
Me: a gnome rogue. More wiz and int than anything else.
Our healer, a wood elf cleric.
Dm

Here are some funny quotes.

Dm:
"Thanks to Luke, you are all eating gourmet rat for dinner. Add 3 giant rat hides to your loot list."

Dm:"After numerous whacking with a broadsword, being set on fire, and blasted with magic, the statue dies from falling over. You collect X exp and Y gp.


I'm a 1st time poster btw

[dehro]

Cast:
I'm a 1st time poster btw

Laughter is the best way to introduce yourself.
Welcome

[weckar]

Heh... when my character died around the end of our last campaign, we were almost at epic levels, I created a whisper gnome rogue with focus on dual wielding and feats to enhance his melee skills... I was mostly expecting the final big fight to come up and that to be it, so I didn't mother with much else in the character creation process.
At some stage we end up in narrow tunnel that is magically closing/creeping up behind us forcing us at a steady pace. At the end of the tunnel is door, which is locked.
So obviously I go to try and open the door. Since the character is brand new, I look up my ranks in open lock on the sheet.
Apparently I didn't put any in there. After much squeezing and huffing and puffing, the Favored Soul in our party had to waste a miracle in order to get the door open in time to escape the rapidly approaching wall that would otherwise have crushed us.
Building a 20th lv rogue without any lockpicking skills earned me some pointed barbs for a while.

To be fair, at that level you should have just had a Knock wand or something.

[dehro]

To be fair, at that level you should have just had a Knock wand or something.

"Should have" are words that appear in many of the last sentences uttered by my characters

[rebelpyroflame]

Greetings and welcome to the last part of this leg of our adventures in crime.

When we last left off, barty the dragon had given us the gold and the plates we needed. We could escape, but we needed to put on a good show to fool the city.

the players

Spoiler

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Jaune (me) – ninja man of action
Ocelot – gunslinger, ridiculously “fair” player
“Sim with an e” – druid who really didn't know how strong their spells are
Yurion aka Dictionary – lore oracle, far too enthusiastic role player
Draspher aka Trash panda – sorcerer, greatest psychopath this city has ever seen yet still chaotic good

Part one

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We decide that I (Jaune), Ocelot and trash panda should change out of the guard uniforms. We need to put on a show and since we’re wanted by the city this is our best way of doing so. Since the others are not know to the city yet, we can use them as “hostages” with the possibility of them escaping separate to us if need be. Barty tells us he is willing to do an explosion for us in the anti-magic field for flavour so long as it is in such a way that no-one gets hurt. After much discussion it is agreed that draspher will speak in draconic while Barty watches us over the scrying sphere security system telling to explain where he wants it followed by a SHAZAM. As the sneakiest member, I take the bag of holding with the gold and the printing plates inside

We ride the lift up, with sim and Yurion tied up in rope as our “hostages” and get to the guard operating the lift security doors. Draspher and I attempt to bluff the guard into thinking that these are our prisoners, that we as the “secret police” have found out these two were trying to break in and we have arrested them. Unfortunately, due to a low roll on my part, the guard is a bit incredulous about the “secret police” part, and there is talk on both sides about calling the manager. The DM has to point out that Barty said he won’t help us, so I take the problem in hand. I reach through the view hole, grab the gnome by his hair and smash his face into the table. Ocelot jumps through and proceeds to let us out

We start to sneak out and along the corridor. Ocelot peaks around the corner and sees a gnome, a dwarf and a human walking along chatting (insert bar joke here). As we start panicking the DM realises he forgot to tell us that Barty told us that we had to do this NON LETHALY. Ocelot sees the Gnome go into one of the vaults while the other two starts walking this way. We all dash silently for the guard room, but Ocelot and Sim get spotted. Carefully weighing up his options, Ocelot calmly and thoughtfully fires the entangling shot he had prepared at the two, sticking them to the wall while Sim charges over and slams her hand over their mouths, just succeeding in not getting her own hand trapped to them in the sticky goo. Unfortunately, the Dwarf starts screaming so Ocelot charges over and knees him in the head, again only just succeeding in not sticking himself to the wall as well

The rest of us quickly start moving down the corridor, I shout out a “sorry, my fault I saw a rat” to try and explain the noise. The Gnome from before sticks his head out to see what is going on. Drashper helpfully goes up and asks for some help, there has been an accident. The gnomes face pales as he shouts out “IT’S THE MAD BOMBER!”

Part two, everyone wants to burn the world

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To help Draspher player out (this campain is his first) I pass him a note saying, “silent image some flames”. What I meant was to make a fireball or flames in his hand to scare and intimidate the guy, maybe grab him as an extra hostage. Instead, he makes a wall of flames along the back of the vault while telling him “you might want to run before you burn, heheheheh”. This vault was full of about 8 bank workers, who all panic upon seeing the fire and the mad bomber, and start running out as fast as they can, all screaming at the top of their lungs.

I spot an opportunity and reverse roles with Draspher relative to the library. I run with the crowd, shouting out “run, run for your lives, the mad bomber is here!”, hoping to start a panic to help us get past the guards. The others catch on quickly, running with me while we leave Draspher at the back to create atmosphere. Except for Yurion, she was getting way to into the “hostage” thing and was only running with us because of Stockholm syndrome.

The next part is going to get complicated as we are all taking our turns in order while the events are happening simultaneously. I will label each section 1. For me, 2. For sim, 3. For Ocelot, 4. For Yurian, 5. For Draspher.

The anti-magic field goes up due to the fire alarm, and everyone starts evacuating the building in a calm and orderly manner.

1.2.3.4. We make our way past the guards storming towards Draspher with the crowd while I am trying to get everyone panicking. The rest of the guards are keeping calm everyone calm and orderly despite my efforts and start giving me the evil eye. Unfortunately as the guards are giving me the evil eye, one of them realises he might recognize me.

5. Draspher really gets into the swing of things, cackling like a madman and using dragonic to communicate with barty to set off an explosion in the freshly emptied vault to intimidate the hell out of the guards in his path while trying to piss himself in fear both in and out of character.

1. Using this moment of distraction, I shout out “I told you, he’ll kill us all now run” and charge up the stairs after everyone else

5. The initial guards have all flead, leaving four guards in the hall and another 4 past the security gate leading people up the stairs. He gets barty to set of another blast behind him and the guards, clearly terrified, start shuffling back

3. I pass Ocelot a note and he gets the message, dropping a smoke bomb right at Draspher to help keep up the illusion of fire magic while he’s running up the stairs

5. Although a little shocked, he realises what’s going on and comes out of the smoke slowly, cackling like a madman

Part three, Et tu Ocelot

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1. As I get to the top of the stairs I realise that the elevator next to me leads downstairs and to the first floor, meaning that I could retrieve Draspher, make our way to the roof/first story window and escape that way (this was the closest we had to an escape plan). Barring that, the room next to me leads straight to the wall with only a much thinner wall connecting blocking the stairs from it directly. I attempt to grab Ocelot and Yurion to help me as they have great knowledge engineering checks to get the lift working, and Ocelot has 8 barrels of gunpowder to blast open the wall. Ocelot, thanks to a combination of having his own plan, receiving information due to having a much higher perception and his own sense of “no meta gaming” runs off regardless, refusing to tell any of us what he has realised due to note passing. Yurion, thanks to her hands off approach to any kind of combat encounter and the strange obsession she has with being tied up just follows Ocelot, her “captor”. This leaves me with just sim to help me, and Draspher downstairs with a large group of heavily armed guards, both of whom have their spells blocked by the anti-magic field

2. Sim, having heard me attempts to follow me into the room. Unfortunately there is still one guard keeping everyone going, and he helpfully tells her “that the wrong way miss, exit is that way”. So she fakes tripping to avoid leaving and he goes to help her up, not wanting her to be trampled to death by the gnomes still running out

5. Conferring with Barty again, Draspher gets the guard room door to slam, finally breaking the will of the guards and sending them running up the stairs. He attempts to negotiate a series of small, firecracker explosions and one to break a wall open, but he hears a magical whispering in his ear. Barty has had enough, no more explosions he was only going to offer one, he’s not wrecking his own bank for him, he’s on his own now. Extreamly worried, he makes his way up the stairs

3.4. Ocelot and Yurion have been making their way out, Yurion finally ditching the rope bondage. As they get to the main hall, they see something they refuse to tell the rest of the group, but Oclot drags his top-hat (he originally thought he had a stetson, but the figure he bought to represent himself had a top hat so he went with that) to disuse himself further and begin to make their way out

2.5. Draspher makes his way up the stairs after the last of the people and comes across the guard helping Sim up. The guard nobly, but still terrified, buts himself between the woman and the madman. As thanks, Sim tries to knock him out, but gets knocked by one of the gnomes running away and ends up falling on top of him.

1. I realise the room I’m in is a filing room, and it actually goes up to the first floor. I examine the room, and after a while chatting with the DM realise that my only useful skill is perception to find a weakness in the wall. I find that although I can’t break out the building from here, I can manoeuvre one of the filing cabinets to smack into the first story wall to make a hole to get out. I climb the ladder and try to move it, but due to being a ninja I have very poor strength and keep failing. I shout down what the hell’s taking them so long, and when sim sees Draspher grab him and get in here

5. Draspher kicks the guard in the head, only just succeeds in not hurting his foot, and tells the guard he should run now. He makes his way into the room I’m in, but can’t do much to help me

3.4. Ocelot and Yurion finally make their way outside, and it is revealed what they know. The army has been called in and a group of them have come inside to storm the place. Meanwhile around thirty of them have lined up outside in firing lines, all aimed at the door. Ocelot, following through his plan from before, goes with the others then runs down a side allyway, offing an excuse about how “he doesn’t want to die” and the guards decide it’s not worth following him. Yurion spots something and goes the exact opposite way, saying something to the dm about “following her autistic nature”. Ocelot announces he’s going to go through the side streets until he gets to behind the guards, but that will take a few turns

2. Sim, hearing the march of boots, knocks out the guard (giving him a kiss on the cheak for his bravery and kindness) and charges into the room, slamming it shut before the guards come along. We wait till they have gone downstairs and with sim’s help, I finally get the wall smashed so we can get up to the first floor, which Draspher and I immediately charge through while sim gets her breath back

1.5. I immediately ask are there any roof access points. The DM takes five minutes to reboot (he had not thought of those at all when planning the building) before deciding no, that is too much of a security hazard, no access. The only windows are the ones in the manager’s office overlooking the ground floor reception and the large ones in the meeting rooms facing the courtyard. Draspher and I check the manager’s office and we check for the anti-magic field generator. The field is weaker here so with Draspher detect magic we find the orb that controls the field and disables it. Sim joins us and I have a plan

3. Ocleot has made his way to an alleyway behind the guards and his plan is finally revealed. He’s going to take a fuse, attach it to one of his barrels and use it as a donkey Kong style explosive. Along the way he notices the wizard from the barn, THE ONE WHO TIRED TO BLOW IT UP WITH HIMSELF AND SIM INSIDE. He makes him his immediate target

1.2.5. The first part of our plan is have sim summon a creature in the courtyard to distract the guards while she turns into a rat and hides in Draspher cloak. Meanwhile Draspher casts invisibility on both himself and me

Part four, an explosive climax

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Here is what happened next.

The wizard realises that the anti-magic field is down and alerts the guards. Suddenly a Giant Centipede appears in the courtyard, and the first line of soldiers open fire, blasting it to bits. The second line get into position as the first line are reloading when an almighty explosion goes off behind them. Although Ocelots aim was a little off and the wizard simply blocks the fire blast with his hands, preventing his own injury, the distraction works. The shockwave is such that all the windows are blown out and Yurion, on a nearby roof, loses balance and starts falling down the side. At the last second she is saved by none other than NINJA SAN! She had spotted someone on the roof and realised it must be him, hence why she went that way. He turn to her and gives the passphrase “the angels wings are brightest in twilight”. I immediately exclaim, OOC, “ow that’s what it was”. It quickly comes to light none of us had written it down and had completely forgotten what the phrase was. The DM was ticked at this, saying he should have just said anything and we would have believed him.

Getting back on track, ninja san is not too impressed by all this and demands to know what’s going on. While this is happening, Draspher and I recover from the glass shards and I get him on my back. I jump out of the window, trusting my Cat Boots to cushion my fall but unfortuanatly I failed to prepare properly for Draspher’s weight on my back, and failing a strength check I drop him half way through my jump, him landing and cracking his knees on the floor. A quick healing from sim the rat and we start running. Ocelot ran as soon as he had thrown the bomb (still seeing the wizard block the spell) and so we had all made it out without a single fatality this time.

(during all of this, I point out that the guards don’t know that ocelot had done this, all they know is the anti-magic field went down, a giant centipede appeared and there was a huge explosion. After today, there is no possible way Draspher will ever redeem his name)

Part five, searching and explanations

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4. Ninja san is understandably ticked at us. We went completely dark, the guy he sent to find us ended up unable to remember anything for three days and now the bank has been raided. Yurion gets him up to speed and he tells us that circumstances have changed, we need to get out now so he’s pulling us out. Hose’ (the lieutenant) has been killed died and the guard have seized his businesses. Yurion tells him that’s where we are all probably heading to and ninja san sends his men off to collect us, with Yurion warning him we will probably attack on sight as we are running.

1. Ninja san and Yurion both catch up to me, and aside from some funny looks from the whole group when I say “ow no, not again, can I please keep my pants on this time” I join them

3. Ocelot is confronted by one of ninja san’s agents. When asked to “halt friend” he attempts to shoot the agent. He misses and the agent is completely unflinching about his. As he goes to reload he finally gets the message and come with him

2.5. At some point while we were running, Draspher and I have both ended up losing each other. Draspher has been burning his invisibility’s and with only one left has made it to the sewer without being spotted by the guards or by ninja san. They make it all the way back to base when they discover that it has been overrun with guards. They luckily find their respective animal companions and decide to try and find somewhere else to wait. After shooting down Draspher suggestion of going to the first building he exploded they go to the first hotel. They find a single city guard and what looks like a guild member standing guard. They eventually decide to hang around on the roof. Draspher comes up with the cunning plan of drawing angel wings on one side of the roof and disguising himself as to be unnoticed. Eventually one of the agents happens to come across Sim sitting next to a poorly disguise sorcerer wearing a cloak wrapped around him with soot smeared across his face, gives them the code phrase and brings them in

We all finally meet up and discuss the situation. After hearing our explanation (during this Draspher is IC and OOC crying in the fetal position in the corner about how badly his reputation has turned, and how he’s really a good guy, none of it was his fault) Ninja San explains what’s going on. Hose’ is dead, he was killed by Mr Quinn as he was getting too noticeable. His operations have been seized but the coup is still ongoing. The fact that we were successful means that we have an in with them. The guild master will cover the gold himself and ninja san will return the gold we took (Draspher for a long time had made his intentions know of giving his share back to barty, undermining the DM’s attempt to get us back on a proper gold level after starting us at half gold, this was literally the only way he would allow himself to keep it) and we would deliver this and the marked printing plates to them in the capital. We couldn’t go immediately, we would have to wait a few weeks and then go in when their getting desperate. Although we couldn’t leave the safe house, we could buy stuff through his contacts. You know what that means…..

Part six, LEVEL UP!

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We had about two weeks to acquire/make any upgrades we wanted. The DM was also interested in having us all have a craft system, but had not finalized how it would work. We were also given a large amount of gold by the guild, both to act as our “payment” from the heist and to help us flash some cash around. Still getting everything sorted properly but these are the feats chosen initially (will update with more info later)

Jaune
I got my kusarigama back and got the one end upgraded (couldn’t afford both) to a +1. I also got a headband of cha, a belt of dex and most importantly, a circlet of persuasion. I also got Craft alchemy as a skill and made myself several splash weapons and a few other alchemical toys to play with. As for Feats, I went with deceptive, I had been bluffing/disguising like crazy and so I massively boosted myself in my cha skills with all this

Ocelot
He decided to Invest in advanced firearms (house ruled so only one range increment touch), getting himself a revolver and a rifle as well as spending the time to make the proper ammo for them. He also got a beneficial bandolier for ammo and reloading. He now has four guns, a rifle for sniping, a revolver for rapid fire, a dragon pistol for backup/utility shots and the dagger pistol for melee. The feat he chose was rapid fire, meaning he can shoot three revolver rounds a turn giving him some much-needed firepower

Draspher
He got craft wondrous items and is now eagerly looking through the book for what items he can make for us in two weeks without risking creating cursed items. He also updated his spells, getting burning hands and charm person as level 1, summon swarm as level 2 and fireball as level 3. Now he can both live up to his own reputation and do some serious damage in combat. He also got combat casting as part of his bloodline so that he doesn’t keep getting punched again

Sim with an e
She decided to

Yurion
Decided to, with DM approval, get the “noble scion” feat at first level, meaning she can add cha to initiative. She also invested heavily into the oracle lessor ring of revelation, letting her get both mind drain and lore keeper (she never did much in battle so spending all that on a ring isn’t so bad for her). She now uses Cha for reflex saves, knowledge checks and initiative checks. She hopes to get the first round in encounters so she can buff us without us running off into combat without her getting involved

So that was our latest session. I am going to make an actual thread to chronical this and touch up the older posts as well.

EDIT: now a thread, check it out at http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showt...1#post22140641

[GuesssWho]

I just had the longest initiative tie ever. We rolled the same number with the same bonus and score, rerolled and tied again, played Rock Paper Scissors and both threw scissors and finally had to choose even versus odd for a third roll. It was ****ing amazing.

[TrT8r]

I can sum up my story pretty quickly.
Barbarians aren't stealthy. Nor should they try to be stealthy. But one did.
He tried to sneak around and attack the main threat from behind. He rolled a seven and was attacked by an ambush drake for triple the normal damage due to sneak attack.
Needless to say he went down quickly.

EDIT: I could have killed him. He was 1 death fail away, and a kobold could have hit him. I made him miss.

[TheYell]

(standing over Timmy's fresh corpse)

AXOS: OK gunslinger, we're leaving. Now.

GREY SUN: I'll go with you.

LENARIAN: OK, we were all in the house when we heard an explosion, right?

HAK: Nobody saw anything.

LENARIAN: That's our story.

HAK: Nobody mention the gunslinger.

LENARIAN: Yeah!

FIRUZ: I took Vow of Truth.

LENARIAN: @#$%

[TrT8r]

Frickin Paladins with their holy oaths and God's and whatnot .

[TheYell]

Actually Lenarian was the paladin, Firuz was a monk.

It all worked out, I volunteered that it was all the fault of the fey (true), that Timmy had attacked us in the basement (true) and we were in the basement when he died (true). I said I didn't know what was going on (true) and I didn't know where everybody was (true). The captain asked if I expected him to believe a child had done all those murders, and I said it was 7 by my count (true). Captain asked if we were vigilantes, I said I just carried the tent for food (true-- Vow of Poverty) and the others wouldn't want me to speak for them (so very true). I said Timmy was probably mind-controlled by a magic teddy bear (true) and that I had been dominated by a teddy bear once (true). At that point the captain had me beat up a little because he didn't believe in the fey, and had everybody thrown in jail. Except the gunslinger who got away.

[IcarusWulfe]

My Artificer character from middle school was punched in the face hard enough to be knocked out and woke up with a new house (posting from phone, will elaborate later)

edit

tl:dr edgelord party members tried to do something nice for once to repay my character for loosing his house due to their shenanigains, they wanted their gift to be a supprise

So it was a campaign I was in back in middle school, when we were just starting to become more confident in the rules and had an awesome GM, but we were at the age where most of us wanted to play "kewl" characters, que everyone but me playing hood wearing edgelords. My character despite being the youngest of the group acted as "team Dad" organizing logistics, making items, and letting the murder hobos crash at his house/alchemy lab. One of the players ended up reenacting "The Most Dangerous Game" with an Astral Stalker that proceeded to stalk the party and bobby trap my character's house so that all the alchemical reagents would explode when its prey entered the building, which is exactly what happened. So after salvaging as much as possible from the wreckage, the surviving murder hobos decided that they should do something to repay me for my loss, so they drew up the plans for a fort and tracked down supplies for scrolls of stone wall and other useful building stuff, then being the low Int murder hobos they were decided they should make it a suprise, but as they couldn't get the stuff there without my character seeing it they knocked my character out with a punch and presented their apology gift when he awoke

[TheYell]

yes give the information

awesome!

[IcarusWulfe]

yes give the information

I did, edited it in to my original post

[TrT8r]

Just me and an Npc, DM controlled Dwarf. I am the violent Warlock I posted about earlier. So, we just killed an innocent goblin and I went to investigate her bag she was lugging around. I rolled a crit fail on it, and the DM said that there was a small string tying the bag shut that I could not unravel. So, the dwarven fighter decides to Axe it open. Cue another crit fail, the string isn't even scratched. I figure, hey, let's use my daggers and slice the string. Cue yet another crit fail. By this point we figure the string is magically invincible and we just cut the bag open.

Long story short; A common piece of string shrugged off daggers, axe blows, and attempts to unravel it by a generally intelligent character.

[EZCheez]

I was playing an ogre bard that, with my friends, was trying to break out of a prison after she was called as an escort to a military base that got ambushed. We broke out due to Halfhead Baldface Who had a 4 int and an 18 strength eating the door. When we broke out we had no weapons but a shapeshifting guard dog spotted us, me, being a former escort seduced it.... rolls a 20. Long story short we ended up in a cafeteria and if anyone walked in they got stunned and vomited. I ended up using my husband (the dog) as a mount for the rest of the campaign...

[TrT8r]

me, being a former esc'ort seduced it.... rolls a 20. Long story short we ended up in a cafeteria and if anyone walked in they got stunned and vomited. I ended up using my husband (the dog) as a mount for the rest of the campaign...

0_0
...D&D scares me sometimes.

[Lord Torath]

0_0
...D&D scares me sometimes.

Last Panel. Soooo much the last panel.

[Hackulator]

After hunting a powerful evil undead to the urban slum it was haunting, my paladin valiantly defeated it in combat!

Causing it's death scream effect to go off, a save or die save that I of course, easily made.

However, the hundreds of level 1 commoners within the massive THREE HUNDRED ****ING FOOT RADIUS OF THE SCREAM were not so lucky, they only made the save on a 20, meaning fully 95% of them died.

After realizing that by not learning more about what he was fighting before killing it, he had caused the deaths of hundreds of innocents, my paladin promptly turned himself in for murder.

To which the judge was like "look, ok, we'll punish you, but we REALLY need you to go finish that whole 'save the world' quest you're on first, ok?"

[TrT8r]

However, the hundreds of level 1 commoners within the massive THREE HUNDRED ****ING FOOT RADIUS OF THE SCREAM were not so lucky, they only made the save on a 20, meaning fully 95% of them died.

After realizing that by not learning more about what he was fighting before killing it, he had caused the deaths of hundreds of innocents, my paladin promptly turned himself in for murder

I would kill the survivors. After seeing a horrifying beast kill hundreds of friends and family, and then learning it was a Paladin fault, some would prefer to die (and the ones that don't, kill them anyways! ). But then again, the whole 'lawful good' thing...
I hate autocorrect.

[TheYell]

I'd blame it all on the undead and move on, but, I've always been a fan of the Dirty Pair.

[SirBellias]

Last session.

Characters:
Old Man Pete - crazy racist old gold miner that also happened to be a Barbarian.
Agnir Deathserpent - Dragonborn coming to the West Marches to gather new stories to bring to his clan (which has a strong storytelling culture).
Hyram McDaniels - Genre-Savvy Paladin of Ares (Character made before Wonder Woman came out).

So we returned from our last adventure with a cartload of silverware, a demonic egg and a gifted child/orphan. We sell off all our loot, and after that Agnir and Hyram (my character) are dealing with other business. Some not funny stuff happened (character plots), and we decided to wait for making any decision about the orphan until the Warlock came back (another player couldn't make it) and decided to leave her with that guy. Meanwhile, in the Tavern....

DM: "Old Man Pete, what are you doing while this is going on?"
Old Man Pete: "Taking a nap on the bar in the tavern, of course. There's a beer in my hand."
DM: "... Make a perception check."
Old Man Pete: *Botches*
DM: "... Roll 6d10."

At this point, Agnir and Hyram out of character both know what's going on, and we're certainly not about to ruin the fun. Eventually Pete finds out he's been robbed, and raises all kinds of holy havoc at the bar before receiving a tip from the local Thieves Guild that it was a rival gang hiding in a cellar and butting into their territory (The Entire Town). He finds us watching the tableau with interest and tells us he's just been robbed and we're going to knock down the people that did it. Agnir had some suspicions on who these people were (he was robbed for a lot more than Pete was a couple sessions ago), and sees a chance for revenge, and I, like all good Paladins in training, saw a chance to make, like, a lot of money, you know? So we thought we'd accompany him and maybe see if there's anything about this he didn't hallucinate.

So we thought we'd get the plan explained to us along the way, so we weren't standing in a crowded bar, or, say, outside the thieves' hideout. Pete didn't say anything until we got there and scoped out the premises: an abandoned building abutting two streets. After taking this in (A.K.A. assuming it since the player didn't actually ask for any sort of description beforehand), Old Man Pete explains his plan.

Old Man Pete: "Okay, see here kids, we've got the hideout here. I've made sure to pack this here Dynamite, and we'll blow these hellions to high Hades!"
DM: "... There's alchemists fire, which is kind of like dynamite, but a lot weaker...."
Hyram OOC: "And VERY expensive...."
Agnir OOC: "What are you actually holding?"
Old Man Pete OOC: "Oh well, three sticks, I suppose."
Agnir & Hyram: *Stares at sticks*
Agnir: "Maybe we need a new plan...."
Old Man Pete: "Right, new plan. You wait out front, me and FOUR EYES over here (pointing to Hyram, who doesn't wear glasses) will go into the back door, and we all burst in at once at my signal." *Waves stick*
Agnir: "This isn't a very good plan...."
Hyram: *Whispers to Agnir* "I'd use your discretion."

So we go back to the house and Old Man Pete throws a stick to the side of the house as a signal, upon which Agnir decides to walk around and and say he isn't going to do this, as he's feeling quite happy about life as a whole and doesn't want to lose it over pocket change. Hyram agrees, citing precedents of finding much larger piles of money in the middle of nowhere.

Old Man Pete kicks the door in and goes in anyways.

After a fair pause, Hyram goes around the house, knocks, and walks in. There's no one on the main floor.

Hyram OOC: "The thief DID tell you they were based in the cellar."
Old Man Pete OOC: "What? When?"

So we wasted an extremely long time preparing an ambush in plain sight of our would be ambushees in the wrong spot so nothing actually came of it. Wonderful character development, though.

Upon further exploration, we find a suspicious carpet (too clean).

Hyram OOC: "I check the carpet for traps."
DM: "The carpet? Nothing that you can see."
Hyram OOC: "No magic circles or anything inscribed on it? Boo."

So we lift up the carpet, and Old Man Pete throws open the trap door under it and gets hit by a volley of arrows. From a trap.

Hyram: "Always check for traps. This is a thieves hideout. After you!" *Motions Pete forward*

And so on and so forth. Eventually we murder all the thieves (one by one, we're all tanks) and make off with far more money than we were expecting.

Moral of the story: Barbarians are great meat shields, but definitely not great planners.

[TheYell]

FIRUZ: Did you two set fire to the execution platform before we escaped?

HAK: Yep! With my burning claws!

ROQUE: I called forth the fires of Sarenrae to ignite it!

FIRUZ: Nobody moved the unconscious guards off it though...

HAK & ROQUE: ....OH NOOOOOOOO

[goto124]

I'm suprised the PCs cared about the guards

[GuesssWho]

. . . are you sure that Hyram McDaniels wasn't the dragonborn?

[sahut652]

Here's a story for ya'
So I was running a campaign for 4 players, (2 casters, a monk, and a ranger). As a DM, I like to show my mental prowess by putting my players in a situation where the weakest enemies can turn into party slaying gods.
The campaign starts at level 5, and after a life threatening encounter of 4 shield guardians with nightmare mounts, that all of the players escape without a scratch thanks to the power of the NPC of Badassdom (I introduced a horrible insta-kill disease very early on, and none of them had any healing powers), they go investigate.
At this point, I need to explain the disease. It's spread through clouding the infected's judgment, and making them very sociable. The infected then explode. And I was yelled at profusely for making such a terrifying threat so early on. If you contract it, you need to get a con. save or have 15 minutes until your HP drops to 1 and you get drunk (What I like to call it) and go try to make new friends. Its not all bad, because the players also get a dex. save to dodge the fumes of the exploded.
Any way, a hill giant walks out of the forest with some pretty obvious hints of being sick (boils, hives, ect.) and the ranger gets the bright idea to shoot it point blank. They all make dex. saves, the ranger pulls off an emasculate nat. 20 and does a double back flip with a twist out of there. The others fail both the dex and con save. Then the "NPC of Badassdom" proceeds to slap the ranger in game, and the party slaps him out of game.
MORE hill giants show up, and the party runs in the opposite direction. This is the point where I turn weak enemies into terrifying forced of nature. A dragon shows up (Who fails to hit the party once) and some kobolds. The party, naturally, ignores the kobolds, and targets the dragon. The kobolds then proceed to bombard the party with rocks, killing one of them, and bringing the others down to 4 HP.

And that's the story of why my friends don't let me DM anymore. (I healed them all afterward, but it was still a butt clenching experience).

[Vessyra]

The party:
Level 2 half-dragon monk (Cywen)
Level 6 elven cleric (me)
Level 7 elven bard (Silverpetal)
Level 6 elven ranger (Montaxeal, everyone calls her Mont)

We were investigating a hidden pyramid, and after accidentally spitting up the party Cywen came across a silver chair in an otherwise empty room, and immediately sat down without doing any checks at all.

It was a disguised torture chair.

[TrT8r]

I was DMing, and the party was supposed to save a bunch of people trapped in a church. There were two groups they knew of, one battering the doors, one roaming in a mob. So as soon as the mob passes, the ranger and the rogue loose shots at a high-ranking cultist. Ranger crit fails, while the rogue get in a solid hit. The cultist then sends 4 kobolds to investigate the alleyway where the party was hiding. The rogue wins initiative, and says this.
Rogue: Being as awesome as I am, I string 2 arrows on my short bow, and hit both kobolds in front. My arrows fly through them and kill the ones behind them.
Me: ... Are you sure?
Rogue: pff, yeah, I can do that.
Me: (secretly adds on penalties) ...O....K..
(Rolls through penalties, rolls ridiculous damage)
Me: ... Wow. Ok. Kobolds 1 and 2 are dead, and your arrow wounds kobolds three as it flies through 1.
Rogue: told you I was awesome.
They managed to wreck the poor kobolds before they could even react. The cultists had no luck, either (curse you movement speed!). The high ranking cultist did almost OHKO the sorcerer, though.

[Vessyra]

We were being asked to investigate the FeyDark by some Fey elders, and they said that we could each have one object the]at we wanted. (in order to assist with our quest). So our half dragon sorcerer immediately declares that...
"I want an invisible pet ninja rock named Fred!".

And so the saga of Fred, the invisible pet ninja rock, began.

[Jaxter Gronaldi]

Our WHOLE GROUP was taken out by a SINGLE TRAPPED CHEST!