More Funny D&D Stories

[TrT8r]

Our WHOLE GROUP was taken out by a SINGLE TRAPPED CHEST!

I'm interested. More details, please?
Anyways, in one recent fight my players 1-shotted a bunch of kobolds. Very time, I sung this tune...
Pop goes the kobold...
Slowly. Every single kobolds had it's head blown off/open.
Same fight; sorcerer tries to use Ray of frost. Crit fail.
DM (me): At the last second, you sneeze, covering your mouth with your casting hand, freezing the dwarfs beard solid and doing near max damage.
She also managed to get her dagger on the roof with another crit fail.
Highest she rolled that fight was a 2.
One more, same session. The barbarian was going 1 on 1 with a Half dragon, who, with a set of bonuses, could attack 4 times in one turn . Half dragon wins initiative, and makes attack one, hits, barbarian goes to 3 hitpoints. Then... he critfails. Imagine a well armed, buff, intelligent half dragon missing a 6 ft. Human. He hurts himself badly, and then goes for attack three. Another crit fail. Trying to regain composure, he puts a nice gash in his shoulder. Finally, on his last attack, he knocked out the barbarian, but we were struggling to stay on task at that point.
Also; the ranger got a ring that requires somatic gestures (flicking somebody off) and verbal components (elvish curse word) to function.

[proselus]

Alrighty, this story is mildly embarrassing for me, and nearly a Darwin Award, but here goes.

Setting is d&d 3.5, 16th level characters, high magic, high loot, extra boons, lethal encounters. We had a party of 8. We had a rogue type, a cleric buffer, a cleric debuffer, a mailman type wizard, a bard gish, a warblade dervish dancer, and some sort of monk/barbarian combo. Then there's me, a psion/wizard combo using a slightly modified version of the mind mage. My spells were typically utility, or used as fuel to boost my psionics. Fairly optimized party, combat was usually rocket tag esque.

Anyway, we are about to storm a tower full of enemy clerics, and the tower itself warded to the gills. As we get there, we start buffing the tar put of ourselves. I had somewhere between 15 and 20 buffs, but most relevant was changing shape into a sand giant. As we attempt to open the front door, a dimensional pitfall opens up, 30ft radius, and anybody falling in would be whisked away to another dimension, and possibly injured badly.

Preparations begin, as we plan who's moving across in what order, and I start sweating and frantically looking across my sheets. The wizard has wing grafts, the buff bot is half celestial, as is our dervish dancer. Our debuffer is half succubus, and our monk is a half dragon. The rogue and the bard lack wings, but got a magic carpet, and since they were small folk, both fit on. I have nothing. 15th level psion, 12th level wizard, and I've picked no spells or powers that allow flight. The wards on the tower prevent summons, teleport, and shape changing (among other things) and I was now a giant, too big to fit on our carpet.

I shakily raise my hand and ask "what's the DC to jump a 30ft gap?"
*dead silence*
"how can you not fly? Your barbarian can fly. We haven't needed to jump things in 10 levels. I have no idea, now we have to look it up"
20 minute derail, all because I forgot to choose fly.

[dehro]

1) we're on the plane of chaos, facing a bunch of Giths who are held in thrall by a succubus that controls the entire village.
We decide to help. As a means of defense, our resident warmage decides to cast mass fire shield on every member of the party.
The Giths are comanded to attach us. Each of them gets a hit in, dealing at best 1 or 2 hp of damage, then they are killed by the defensive fire-strike.
By the time we manage to somehow liberate the village, only the buildings are still standing.

2) someplace else, we need to enter a specific hut in a village of Duergar whom, you guessed it, are mind controlled by a mindflayer.
To defend our position inside the hut, the warmage puts up a wall of blades in ring shape all around the hut.
The Duergar are comanded to attack us.
a few rounds later, we're standing knee-deep in minced duergar meat.

The warmage is neutral, verging on neutral good... she's played by a lawyer (as in, an actual lawyer, not a rules-lawyer) who parlays her actions as non evil.
I'm not convinced.

[Jaxter Gronaldi]

The party was tryi g to open a chest with a shocker lock after killing a slime, and 1st: Me, the rogue/artificer, got zapped to.1 to. 2nd, cleric tries, zapdeath. The rangwr tries to slice.it open, sinks in, pulls out, crit fails chop check, rolls, gets the infamous you and one creature adjacent dies. Sorc and ranger dead. All that's leg is the druid. Dm rules in is knocked open. She goes and looks, and is hit with a poison, and fails the save.

[TrT8r]

So, I ran a session earlier today. It was hilarious.

Rogue: I want to sneak up on their camp.
Ranger: Me too.
(Both crit)
Me: So, Mitherang [the cleric] Goes to speak his plan to the rogue, but hears *poof* and can't see the rogue. Confused, he turns to the ranger, who is not where he was a second ago.
Sorceress: I want to roll too! (Fails badly)
Me: HE turns to the sorceress, who simply whispers "poof" and stays still.

Later.
ME to rogue: Ok, are you attacking with your shart... I mean... Crud.
Much laughter from everyone old enough to get it.
Me: Ok, roll for stank.
And finally.
Barbarian: I sneak up on the kobolds. (crits his stealth roll)
Me: Mitherang hears another *poof*, and the barbarian is gone.
Me: (OOC) Ok, you are 70 feet away from your group, next to 8 kobolds. What do you do? Choose wisely...
Barbarian: I attack a kobold.
Everyone:
Me: *sigh* a kobold is dead, and the 7 remaining kobolds are pissed.
Barbarian: I rage and attack another one.
Everyone

The fight was going well, with the rest of the party attacking from a distance, when this happens.
Barbarian: I attack a kobold. (crit fails)
Me: your sword is lodged in a stone. Roll strength to get it out. (Crits)
Barbarian: I cut the [8 foot tall, 4 foot wide] stone in half!!
Me:... Really?
Barbarian: Why not?
Me: Ok, here's what WOULD have happened, if you could cut the stone in half. The rock breaks, and falls on you. You take 20d6 bludgeoning damage and the kobold's die. You are dead, dead DEAD!!! ...Please make a new character.
Party:

[Vessyra]

I already posted this in another thread, but I feel it deserves to be on funny D&D stories:

First session of a 5e campaign, miscommunication meant that only 3 players could make it. They were:

Hasn't bothered to think of a name yet, the halfling ranger. (New to D&D)
Vax, the minotaur cleric.
Thaco, human paladin with a pile of hit points. (Me)

Spoiler: First session

Show

We were travelling along when we encountered a Shepard searching for his lost sheep. With my wisdom of 5, I ask Vax to throw me and the halfling into the air repeatedly, to search for sheep.

All of our healing spells later, the halfling and I are below half when Vax launches himself up into the air with a roll somewhere north of 20.

Unfortunately, as a paladin with a strict code, I had to do everything in my power to help my party. Which included trying to catch him. A minotaur falling from 30 feet up. When I was level 1. With less than half my hit points left.

A large amount of 1's on the DM's 10d6 damage and 2 failed death saving throws later, Vax stabilised the Pancake Paladin.

Total damage taken that session: 35

Spoiler: Second session

Show

We found the wolves that captured sheep, and Vax had the great idea of throwing me at the wolves! Since I had rested and regained my hit points, I agreed.

So far, only two sessions in, I have been knocked out three times, taken more damage than the rest of the party combined, and failed six death saving throws. Still not dead yet.

Total damage that session: 36
I think even O-Chul would be proud.

[TrT8r]

Here's a funny.
My d&d session is so unreliable that I have not played in around 5 weeks.
At least i can DM...

[GuesssWho]

Here's a funny.
My d&d session is so unreliable that I have not played in around 5 weeks.
At least i can DM...

You mean 'sad.' That's sad.

[Hagashager]

Here's a funny.
My d&d session is so unreliable that I have not played in around 5 weeks.
At least i can DM...

my group can only meet around once a month, and that once-a-month only applies to a session within each month, not necessarily a month of time, so it ranges anywhere from 1-7 weeks between sessions.

welcome to the club :P

[GAAD]

So, uh, my party keeps butchering my boss fights in new, exciting, and noodle-implementish ways.

There have been five thus far. In order, they were defeated by:

A religious reformation, my own trap, and a whistle that can only be heard by gnomes.

A reverse-engineered Explosive Runes ritual turned binding circle, rocks covered in bug guts and poop, and a lawyer.

A giant hunk of cheese, a balcony, and a brainwashed militia bent on a vague revolution.

A ream of psychic paper, a dozen sticks of dynamite, and a Tenser's Floating Disc dressed up as a UFO.

A full kilometer of tripwire, an enchanted dress, and an impromptu ceramics lesson.

... at this point, I'm considering making a thread to chronicle their shenanigans.

[TrT8r]

You mean 'sad.' That's sad.

I posted that at 10:30 and I was still salty about it being cancelled. I should be able to play in a week or so.
Anyways, remember kids, don't yell at a blue dragon! (A lesson taught to my brothers barbarian [The hard way])

[Protato]

I have a lot. Among other things, my party and I fed a cocaine-filled squid to a black dragon and he then befriended us. Also, my alternate character has a talking skull that glows with light whenever he opens his mouth, and now serves as both a sidekick and a light source. There's more but these are the ones I remember off the top of my head

[DeTess]

So, uh, my party keeps butchering my boss fights in new, exciting, and noodle-implementish ways.

There have been five thus far. In order, they were defeated by:

A religious reformation, my own trap, and a whistle that can only be heard by gnomes.

A reverse-engineered Explosive Runes ritual turned binding circle, rocks covered in bug guts and poop, and a lawyer.

A giant hunk of cheese, a balcony, and a brainwashed militia bent on a vague revolution.

A ream of psychic paper, a dozen sticks of dynamite, and a Tenser's Floating Disc dressed up as a UFO.

A full kilometer of tripwire, an enchanted dress, and an impromptu ceramics lesson.

... at this point, I'm considering making a thread to chronicle their shenanigans.

Please do make that thread. I want to know what they did!

[GuesssWho]

Please do make that thread. I want to know what they did!

Seriously. WTF?

[GravityEmblem]

I, despite being a relative novice to the world of roleplaying, do have a few stories of my own.

Spoiler: Reveal Funny Story

Show

I was doing a one-shot using pre-generated characters with people I had only just met. We were traveling into the Underdark to rescue a hostage. Our Rogue tried to open a door, rolled a 3, and broke his lockpicks.
Now, we had a predicament, beacause those were his only set of lockpicks. He tried to reach into the lock to get them back (not that it would do him any good, they were broken, remember?)
He rolled a one and sprained his hand.
I decided to use the "Fighter's Lockpick"-that is, breaking down the door. Natural 20 on the first try.
Me: I pull back my Warhammer, spin around to get momentum...and then gently tap the door.
DM: The door swins open.
Me:

[bulbaquil]

They say barbarians make the best trapfinders...

[TrT8r]

I should be able to play in a week or so.

Unless said group gets cancelled for an indefinite period of time and the closest group is 45 minutes away.
Whatever. I'll wait.

[AbusingWings]

I guess I will give this a shot.

I was playing an elf wizard in a small party of four. There was also a dwarf cleric, a halfling rogue, and a half-elf ranger. The party was in a dungeon clearing it out and had gone in after seeing a drow at the entrance. So the party was looking around trying to find this drow and kill it. My elf was particularly into killing him. The party had to do a listen check and the wizard and ranger heard noises on the other side of the door on one side of the chamber.

After a brief discussion and figuring it was not something good, I had a brilliant idea. I had just leveled up and had gotten the spell fireball. Lo and behold I found the opportunity to try it out. After going over the details with the ranger and DM it was agreed I could try my idea. The ranger went to the door and stood to one side. The cleric and the rogue stood behind the wizard. On a signal the ranger was to open the door and jump to the side as quick as he could then the wizard would shoot a fireball through the door and hopefully hit whatever was on the otherside.

I signaled the the ranger did what he was supposed too. Right as I was shooting the spell off I saw a group of dwuergar( I know I got that wrong) on the otherside getting ready to run in. I rolled to see if I could thread the needle and get the spell inside the other room and not roast us. I rolled high like and 18-20. The spell got to the middle of the group and detonated. The ranger then quickly got up and started hacking away only to find I had killed all of them and ruined the DMs plan for a big fight. Sorry not sorry.


Another fun one is I had just joined a group and rolled up a great sword wielding fighter. After nearly dying and being saved by the group I joined them and we headed out. One of the party members was a rogue named Balls. And in his backstory it is noted that he is extremely afraid of spiders. Having gotten the gist of the group I became a good member and a really good damager for the group.

We ended up going in this small dungeon and Balls ended up finding a hidden door and opened it for the group. Only there was spiders on the other side. Our fearful rogue almost ran out of the dungeon at that point. But the group got together and took out the spiders. Balls decided it was safe to come back since they were dead. My character was a little peeved that the rogue did nothing and decided to play a joke. I turned to the ranger and told her to get ready to shoot her bow. I grabbed a spider body and flung it into the hallway where Balls was standing. The ranger did great on her roll and pinned the body of the spider to the wall right in front of Balls. Needless to say he ran out of the dungeon and did not come back in.

[GuesssWho]

We are currently attempting to fight a mammoth that is inexplicably making SO MANY Dex checks. It's the Buttered Mammoth Incident. On the other hand, it critfailed three Wis checks in a row.

[Vessyra]

"Knock, knock"

"Who's there?"

"THE DOOR!"- The cleric summons a door with spiritual weapon and lays waste to our enemies

[GuesssWho]

. . . you can do that?

[JBPuffin]

. . . you can do that?

It does say "whatever form you choose..." so yeah, that sounds both hilarious AND RAW legal. Props!

[DonLouigi]

Okay, maybe it is time to share.

This is D&D 4, a few years back. I was part of the party, though I won't divulge which part. Not the thief.
Party Makeup:
-A Kenku with some sneaky class. I think assassin, but I'm not sure. Was the kind of "steal everything not nailed down"-type of stereotypicial roguish character.
-A Shardmind artificer, who was established as being really really bad at any kind of social interaction. Brilliant mind, but no people's skills.
-A Minotaur fighter, who just wants to drink in peace
-A Halfling ranger
All the characters have a shared background of beeing in the same bandit gang prior to the campaign.

We are in a medium-sized village in the only tavern and sneaky Kenku decides to go around pickpocketing as many people as possible, while Minotaur was at the bar working tirelessly towards drunkenness and ranger and artificer were in their shared room upstairs.
After a while, inevitibly, someone realizes, that their purse is missing. Kenku, being in full view of everyone, thinks, the best course of action is to use a teleporting power to leave the room.
DM: "Are you sure you wanna do this?"
Kenku: "Yeah, of course."
So from one moment to the other, directly after someone has announced that their purse is missing, the strange bird-man just disappears. Of course, he is now everyone's best suspect. And since he obviously legged it right after being done teleporting, who do the angry townsfolk turn to? The three people who arrived with the suspect.
The bailiff was called and he starts by questioning ranger and artificer in their room. Ranger, upon hearing what has happened, immediately declares "Never seen that guy before this morning!" and somehow amazingly manages to pull off his bluff check.
Officer turns to the artificer, who, as has been said, is not the best people person, and asks the same question.

Artificer: *stares uncertainly at ranger*
Bailiff: So, Do you know him or not?
Artificer: *still stares at ranger, obviously uncomfortable*
Ranger: Well, answer the nice man.
Artificer: *shrugs* All right. Yes, I know him, we were in the same bandit gang for a few years.
Pause, as everyone stares in disbelief at this incredibly self-incriminating line.
Artificer (OOC): What? My guy isn't good with people, and lies, and reading the subtleties of conversation. [Ranger] told him to answer, so he answered.
After a moment the scene can continue.
Bailiff: All right, there's definitely something up here. I'm just taking all of you in.

So fighter, ranger and artificer are taken to local jail, while Kenku remains still at large. To cut a long story short, when they want to disarm her, the Minotaur starts a fight, the bailiff and his two aids are killed and the party has to flee from an angry mob.

And then, when the three are in a camp in the wilds coming to grips with what happened, the kenku just casually strolls to the campfire again and says "Hi guys, what's up?". Cue the Minotaur trying to pluck his feathers and it taking combined effort from everyone else to stop her.

The game stopped shortly thereafter, but that incident is the reason I have, to this day, a strong (and probably unjustified) aversion against rogue characters, especially the kleptomaniac kind.

[TrT8r]

So, I was DMing with my family.
They had infiltrated the enemy's camp on a spying/reconnaissance mission, and they stood around for a while while taking count of the enemies. They drew a few suspicious looks, just standing around, so I called for a DC 5 charisma check so they wouldn't be recognized. Three out of five people failed. So, of course, they are captured, and the idiot sorceress admits that they were infiltrating the enemies base. Of course, they are stripped of their gear and shackled in a dirty hut under guard, to be executed at dawn. They come up with a plan (fire and illusions) and it works (my dice turned on me). They make a run for it and escape.
So, while they did rescue a valuable prisoner, they got one really crappy piece of information and almost died AS SOON AS THEY WALKED INTO THE CAMP.
And the worst part?
I had to give them LEVEL 3, due to a leveling rule. They got all sorts of powerful stuff for ALMOST DYING WITH NO GAIN. They will not get my pity for a while.

[Hagashager]

In my last session:

The Party had just finished fighting a cabal of radical druids who were going to sacrifice one of the party members to their warped view of earth.

Me: "After you untie Lactose, you all turn your attention to the alter, which, having had blood dripped upon it, shoots up the beam of light like you saw on its twin some miles away. They point to a location in the north." *The party makes their way to wherever the two beams of light are shining. The party makes no resting sessions or any other precautions.*
Me: "You come upon a very demonic looking portal, the outer rim of which is lined with blood-soaked flesh, you can feel bits of detritus and unsetting organic stuffs wafting out of the mouth of the portal. From within you hear a writhing voice screaming 'Work, damn you!'"
Runer: "I elect...the Druid goes in first" Runer shoves the druid through the portal.
Callous: *Failing her dex. check to not be shoved in* "Whoa wait wha-" *She is shoved in and immediately shot for 23 points of electrical damage as a crazed sorcerer at the top of a pedestal casts lightning bolt at her*
Callous: OOC "ooooooo, oh damn, wow."
Me: "What?"
Callous: *Shows me her current health, she had 24 hp left after the battle with the druids.* "oh...oh wow."

so yeah I nearly instagibbed, or rather, the party wizard, nearly insta-gibbed the party druid as a joke.

Runer was quite amused as the spasming, convulsing, electrocuted wreck that was our party druid when they all entered the portal after the sorcerer stopped being startled.

[TheYell]

Firuz the Blind Monk: Hak! Where are you!

Hak the Sorcerer: I cast Ventriloquism.

[Vessyra]

I was playing someone else's paladin while the actual player was busy. (Level 19)

We were several rounds into combat when...

DM: So, are you on maximum health?

Me: Yes... Oh wait, I took one hundred damage, I forgot.

(Facepalm)

[Vessyra]

Firuz the Blind Monk: Hak! Where are you!

Hak the Sorcerer: I cast Ventriloquism.

If Firuz does not yet know of the ventriloquism, I sense many laughs to come

[PsychoBear]

I've read this thread a lot, yet never contributed my own post to it. Here's one from a 3.5 game I was in a few years ago. Red Hand of Doom, I believe
My character: Garrr, Gnoll Ranger with very high DEX and STR, but low INT and WIS. Used a composite Greatbow, had Imp Unarmed Strike rather than a backup melee weapon. Had a badger named Girrr as an animal companion.
Other characters: It's been long enough that I find it hard to remember them, but they aren't important for the story

The party was fighting a pair of manticores near the wall of the city. Garrr was shooting at them and missing (I don't remember why, but must've been having consistently bad rolls, considering he had a good modifier with his bow).
After a few misses, he starts getting angry, picks up his badger, and throws it at the manticore.
Now is the part in the story where you would normally expect a Nat 20 and some epic badger mauling. But no. He missed. The badger flew over the wall and landed in a tree on the other side.

Later in the same fight, a manticore was on the ground, and out of his rage at earlier misses, Garrr runs up and starts punching the manticore to death (Imp Unarmed Strike), despite it still having considerable HP left.
Somehow, he almost kills the thing and it takes off in flight trying to flee. Garrr refuses to allow this creature to get away, launching an arrow at it as it retreats, killing it and causing it to plummet to the earth. Combat was over, but he throws his bow to the side, runs up to the beast, and starts beating on its corpse.
Once he was satisfied with his work, he rips a haunch off the creature, begins eating it, and walks away to the tavern. He later tried to cook the manticore haunch over the fire in the tavern, but only managed to burn it in places.

I was greatly considering multi classing into Barbarian for the pure rage he would get, but that campaign sadly ended due to the DM having to quit for personal issues. I hope to rebuild him sometime in the future

[PsychoBear]

Actually, I have another story I remember that was pretty good at the time. Might as well put that here, too, for chuckles. This one is Pathfinder.

The party:
Human Alchemist, Rowan Strayts: (Me) Dresses as a Plague Doctor, incredible modifier to Heal. Focuses on non-magical healing, as well as Alchemy
Undine Sorcerer, Radid O'Physh: Sorcerer who wears nothing but a loincloth and has enough strength that his tendency to want to punch people more valid than you might think. Also has an obsession with Fire spells
Human? Psychic, Anny G'Ma: Empathy focused psychic of some kind. A really nice person, but looks exactly like Megamind, but not blue.
Human? Oracle?, Monica: Basically looked like a little girl. I'm assuming she was an Oracle with that one curse/mystery which makes you appear as a child. Really dark kid.

The premise of the campaign was that we were all students in a magical academy, hence all players being some kind of caster class. We were near graduating, and had to set out on an adventure to research our thesis topic and write it.

The part was traveling down a road in a forest, and noticed through perception checks that each of them was missing a personal belonging. They see ahead of them a gnome retreating, carrying a large sack. The party gave chase, following him to a meadow full of flowers. Being a gnome, he was well hidden among the plants. Our sorcerer decides to use Burning Hands to set fire to the field to burn him out, with encouragement from my character. After burning away a section of the meadow, we see a hole in the ground that he must've retreated into.

While deciding what to do, a centaur ran up to us, brandishing a weapon, asking what was going on and why we set fire to this holy place (this meadow held religious significance and we were unaware). I rolled bluff and said, essentially, that we chased a thieving gnome here, who set fire to the meadow to cover his escape. OOC there was a lot of laughter had and the sorcerer backed up my bluff, corroborating with my story. The centaur believed us and allowed us to continue our chase, which involved us diving into the hole in the ground.

From then on, whenever we lied about something we did, it was a running joke that we blamed it on a gnome.