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  1. - Top - End - #1351
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Planetar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    A funny piece of social roleplaying from a campaign I wasn't in but heard about:

    The Accidental Wedding
    The PCs are guests of honour at a society wedding. In fact, the Witch and the Paladin are, respectively, chief bridesmaid and best man. They are having to try and jolly things along because the bride and groom have had a falling out and are not speaking to each other. A dear old soul of a Bishop who is conducting the ceremony is not only blissfully unaware of this but is elderly, a little confused, and slightly deaf.

    The Witch has been looking after the bride's wedding ring and has accidentally got it stuck on her own finger, for which it is a couple of sizes too small. She is trying to remove it, with the aid of the Paladin, while the pair whisper at each other furiously over this annoying incident.

    WITCH: Will you get this @#$%ing thing off my finger?
    BISHOP: mumble mumble mumble mumble so long as you both shall live?
    PALADIN: Well, if you stop wriggling all the time I WILL!
    BISHOP: mumble mumble mumble
    PALADIN: Aaargh, woman, you never help!
    BISHOP: mumble mumble mumble mumble take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
    WITCH: Oh yes I DO!
    BISHOP: (beaming seraphically) I now pronounce you man and wife!
    WITCH and PALADIN (together): OH NO!!

  2. - Top - End - #1352
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    PaladinGuy

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    Monk: I hide behind the cleric
    Cleric (me): I HAVE ONE HIT POINT!

    Later,
    Me: So, a monk is is always treated as armed, right?
    DM: yes
    Me: So a monks body is treated as a weapon?
    DM: yes...
    Me: I have a spell that shrinks weapons and stores them in my sleeve
    Quote Originally Posted by Grey_Wolf_c View Post
    No, it's obviously a darker and edgier version of The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

    GW

  3. - Top - End - #1353
    Pixie in the Playground
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    We used to have a player who was the WORST at everything he did. He would do needless, reckless, senseless things in game that randomly got his characters, (and others' characters) killed, cursed, or screwed on a regular basis. This was 1E/2E. But I can see the humor in much of it. Case in point:
    Characters:
    Robo the Paladin (me)
    Martigan the Fighter (Antonius)
    Klaw the Assasin (Jim)
    Banquo the Thief (Fred)
    Jun the Cavalier (Bob)
    Nanuk the Paladin (Nate)
    Krill the half-vampire bugbear (don't ask) with questionable class (Adam, the problem player of this post)
    DM (Tom)

    Our characters were doing a standard dungeon crawl adventure module that was 1E (cannot recall the name), but we were using 2E characters and rules. We happen upon a room with only one doorway, but no visible door (should have been a hint right there). In the middle of this otherwise-empty room was a normal-looking wooden table with about 8 gems of different colors atop it (again, suspicious).
    All the characters except mine entered the room with no hesitation (true paladins know no greed). All the players and their respective characters told Adam, and his respective character Krill, to NOT touch the gems until they could study them closer and glean more information about them (i.e. check for traps).
    Well, Krill, paying absolutely no heed to anyone, grabbed the red gem that was on the table. The doorway was suddenly blocked by what I can only describe as vertical "magic laser bars".
    All the players and characters shouted in unison for Krill to stop, and do nothing further. Krill then THREW THE RED GEM directly at the "magic laser bars" successfully hitting one of them. The gem EXPLODED upon contact, and the DM rolled to see who was hit by the flying schrapnel.
    Well, Martigan, who was the "lucky" winner of the "schrapnel-to-the-head award" failed his Constitution save, and was knocked out cold. The players and their characters now yelled even louder for Krill to not touch anything else. Krill now proceeds to immediately grab the blue gem. The walls on either side of the room start moving towards the characters. The players and their characters continued to shout for Krill to touch nothing else. Paying not the slightest notice to party or imminent peril, Krill now grabs the green gem. The ceiling of this room now starts collapsing towards them.
    Ignoring all the hysterically screaming characters that are all around him, Krill grabs the purple gem. Now spikes appear on the still-moving walls. By this time all the characters are bellowing like rabid bull apes for Krill to stop touching gems.
    Still not one to learn from his mistakes, Krill then grabbed the black gem. Now tons of sand starts pouring into the room from the still-collapsing ceiling.
    Within a matter of seconds Adam's bumbling character Krill managed to set off a containment-trap, knock out the only person in the room that was capable of getting them out of it (Martigan), cause the walls to compress towards the party, collapse the ceiling, spike-adorn the aforementioned already-deadly moving walls, and cause suffocating sand to fill the room (which stopped the walls, spikes, and ceiling collapse, but smothered to death all the party members in that room).
    The only reason that he did not set off anymore traps was because the sand buried the remaining gems so that he could no longer see them to grab them. Had it been possible for him to continue grabbing gems, I guarantee you he would have set off every single death trap in that room.
    My paladin spent hours digging the characters' bodies out of that mess before somehow bringing them back to life. The other players were so angry at Adam and his character, but all I could do was laugh my head off.
    Last edited by DarkFather; 2018-01-10 at 11:54 AM.

  4. - Top - End - #1354
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    dehro's Avatar

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    on one hand, this is hilarious... on the other hand, why did nobody try to tackle the moron away from the table? acting instead of shouting their heads off might have saved some of them.
    I'd say everybody (except you maybe) is at least partially to blame for the near TPK on this one, including the DM for not making everybody roll for initiative and make them realise they could have done more

    on another note.. what was the player's excuse and was it good enough for you guys to keep playing with him or did you kick him out?
    Last edited by dehro; 2018-01-10 at 05:36 AM.
    Huzza! for Linkele, for drawing the bestest avatar ever!
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  5. - Top - End - #1355
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    PaladinGuy

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    Godbound campaign:
    It's not so much a linear story as more our Gnome artificer with the words of Artifice, Knowledge and Earth trying to break the DM in multiple ways.

    Belwar: I make a set of binoculars to look at the city.
    DM: How are you making them in the middle of a field?
    Belwar: I use a multitude of sticks and grass to make them.
    DM: How are you making the glass?
    Belwar: *long pause followed by innocent voice*.... Wishful thinking?

    Oberon: So how often do you get attacked out here?
    DM (as villager) Once or twice a month.
    Belwar: I can fix this. Castle. *uses word of Earth to bring up a castle from the very ground*
    Oberon: *looks outside* You do know that after the fourth or fifth time, it's loses it's shock value?

    Oberon: *using Sun power to see through a dense wood at a bunch of hiding were-wolves.* Belwar, could you let them know we know they're there?
    Belwar: Sure! *a stone sign arises out of the earth in front of them, with the words* We can seeeeee you. *engraved on them*
    Oberon: *pauses, as the wolves flee* Not exactly what I had in mind.

    *Belwar has been making a 20ft causeway of stone through the forest due to an earlier incident with some vampire thorns*
    Oberon: *as we approach the elven city* Belwar, could you take us back down to ground level, before we alert and scare the elves?
    *an arrow whistles from the nearby trees and embeds itself in Oberon's shoulder*
    Oberon: *sighs and lifts his arms in surrender* Never mind.
    Currently taking part in Godbound campaign:
    Oberon, level 3 Dragonborn paladin, Godbound of Sun, Fertility and Health:
    Famed for:
    1) Cutting a Drider Godbound in half with a greatsword
    2) Challenging an Ent Godbound to a fist fight sans godpowers, and winning
    3) Walking the city as a miniature sun and convincing all the rioting citizens that, no, the gods are not dead.
    4) He once bought an apple.

  6. - Top - End - #1356
    Pixie in the Playground
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    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    on one hand, this is hilarious... on the other hand, why did nobody try to tackle the moron away from the table? acting instead of shouting their heads off might have saved some of them.
    I'd say everybody (except you maybe) is at least partially to blame for the near TPK on this one, including the DM for not making everybody roll for initiative and make them realise they could have done more

    on another note.. what was the player's excuse and was it good enough for you guys to keep playing with him or did you kick him out?
    Our DM (Tom) did not like Adam or his ridiculous antics any more that we players did, but he ALWAYS made sure that his stupid actions resulted in his character having to pay the maximum penalty. Tom was not the type of DM to throw ANY player out of his Dungeon, but he certainly believed in allowing them to be made to suffer the consequences of being a moron.
    And you noticed the obvious problem in the "Gems of Doom" story. The other players/characters TOOK NO ACTION to stop Krill's ridiculous behavior. Because no one called this, initiative was never rolled, leaving Adam's character free to continue being a total screw-up.
    Adam/Krill seemed to think that, "If I grab just ONE more gem, then all of this perilous danger occurring to my party, to which I am completely apathetic toward, will somehow no longer matter".
    And the characters in the room with him seemed to think, "If I yell at Krill just ONE more time, THEN he will not grab any more gems".
    Adam made no excuse for his actions, and did not even attempt an explanation or an apology. And my paladin had to use a Wish spell or something to bring them all back. And I received no thanks for it from Adam either.

  7. - Top - End - #1357
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    dehro's Avatar

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    Huzza! for Linkele, for drawing the bestest avatar ever!
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  8. - Top - End - #1358
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    RangerGuy

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    After completing the final encounter of our campaign, my party, consisting of a Half-Elf Ranger (myself), a Half-Orc Barbarian, a Tiefling Rouge, and an Aasimar Bard, began looting the area.

    Our Barbarian found a +1 Magic Longsword and both our Bard and our Rouge wanted it. Having already successfully seduced multiple creatures and a couple non-living items, the female Bard decided the best course of action would be to expose her breasts and try to use them to get the sword. Not willing to give up the weapon, the female Rouge followed suit.

    Our poor, dumb, male Barbarian didn't know how to handle four breasts staring him down and he looked to my Ranger for help. Knowing just what to do, I went up to my party members and said,
    "Ladies, ladies. Can you please calm your tits?"

    The party died laughing, but our DM was fed up with our BS at that point.

    Somehow, a lighting bolt came down into the underground complex we were in and killed me. It was a fine death.

  9. - Top - End - #1359
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Beholder

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    My wimpy kobold monk got critically bit by the avatar of a god, almost killing him at max hitpoints.
    Then, with one Nat 20, he was back up, and beating the crap out of the God.
    DM's law; Don't tell them how stupid their idea is until it is already too late to reverse it.
    Generation 20. Every time you see a generation, copy it into your Sig and add one. This is a social experiment.

  10. - Top - End - #1360
    Bugbear in the Playground
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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Vampire the Masquerade campain

    One-legged Brujah with high celerity.

  11. - Top - End - #1361
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Beholder

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    I'll just give the story of my name. I don't really have stories I that can be told via forum.
    The party enters a dungeon. Fight through a few pretty basic enemies, and then they reach of room crewed by a few smoke mephitis and a buffed fire elemental.
    Cut to a few turns in, no one has been knocked out, the mephitis are dead, and our Dwarven Monk takes a swing at at the elemental.
    He misses.
    His response:
    "Oh my god, are we fighting a Tarrasque in Fire Form????????"
    This has become so much of a meme that we now have a character played by a different player who believes in the Tarrasque in Fire Form as a god.
    My group is weird.

  12. - Top - End - #1362
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Kobold

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    I've told a piece of this story on another thread, but I feel like it needs to be put here.

    The characters:
    Eli Brandyboots, Chaotic Evil Halfling Sorcerer (Me)
    Conner Dynamar, Neutral Evil Human Warlock
    (There were several others, but none are important to the story)

    We were playing a low-level dungeon crawl, and had just defeated a group of skeletons. The DM informed us that after the battle ended, a panel opened in the wall, revealing a chest. Connor was absolutely obsessed with loot, and was closest to the chest. He opened it, and inside was a perfectly cubical blob of green slime (we never found out what it was for, it may have just been random). I had gained inspiration a while back for making an OOTS pun (I can't remember for the life of me what it was ), and I asked the DM if I could use it to cast Mage Hand fast enough to grab the slime before Connor could get it. The DM allowed this, and a few Investigation checks later, we still have no idea what it does. But before someone could cast Identify, Connor decided Eli needed to be punished for stealing his (useless) loot. He bashes Eli over the head with his magic shield.

    Now this shield was called, I believe, the Shield of Guarding. It had nothing to do with guarding. Instead, it caused a random, potentially very overpowered magic effect. In the past, it had turned a high-level monster into a unicorn mount. It could have been game-breaking, I now realize, but Connor's player rarely showed up and it was really just used as comic relief. So anyway, Connor bashes Eli over the head, and this is the resultant conversation:

    DM: Okay, let me roll on the random effect table... oh gosh.
    Party: ...
    DM: Eli, there's a huge flash of light, and... you're turned into a woman.
    Party: Bwahahahaha!
    Me: Permenantly?
    DM: Heh. Yep.

    In a completely uncharacteristic flash of quick wit, I asked the DM if my sexual orientation also changed with my gender, to which he responded in the affirmative.

    Me: Perfect. So, Connor... *Moves Suggestively* ...are you doing anything later?

    It was hilarious, trust me. The newly-renamed Eliza constantly taunted Connor, whom never gave in to her romantic pursuits. In fact, I think he only ever showed up for one more session...

  13. - Top - End - #1363
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    PaladinGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Braininthejar2 View Post
    Vampire the Masquerade campain

    One-legged Brujah with high celerity.
    Bob, aka Robert Holmes in my campaign. A Sabbat Salubri, known for having all 5 ranks of Obeah. As an NPC was not killed for being a healer because, in the words of his sire "He is too damn useful." When I took him over, I spent a year maxing his Obeah and Celerity stats, and got him to Fort 4. Decent marksman, plus healer.

    Now, the funny part. The ST's had this plot line going. The One Ring of a Chinese Emperor had been stolen by a bunch of werewolves, they were going to gift it to the volcano spirits to curry favour and have them destroy the city, ending the game. The Sabbat as a whole went to negotiate, but the volcano spirits considered anyone on a path evil. So me, two Brujah, a Tzimisce who was basically the closest thing to a Camarilla power manipulator we had in the game, and a Gangrel had to go down there and negotiate. That negotiation became a fight between 3 werewolves and an unknown spirit. They preferred melee, Bob does not, so half the fight was Bob using Shepherd's Watch to protect himself and his Brujah allies while simultaneously healing said allies, as the werewolves kept bouncing off the bubble.

    As one volcano spirit said after the fight: "I name you my champion, for the most defensive offence I have ever seen."
    Currently taking part in Godbound campaign:
    Oberon, level 3 Dragonborn paladin, Godbound of Sun, Fertility and Health:
    Famed for:
    1) Cutting a Drider Godbound in half with a greatsword
    2) Challenging an Ent Godbound to a fist fight sans godpowers, and winning
    3) Walking the city as a miniature sun and convincing all the rioting citizens that, no, the gods are not dead.
    4) He once bought an apple.

  14. - Top - End - #1364
    Bugbear in the Playground
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    I read the story, expecting it to be a set up for some kind of Eye of Sauron joke
    Last edited by Braininthejar2; 2018-01-12 at 06:17 PM.

  15. - Top - End - #1365
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    CosmicHobbit's Avatar

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    I already put this(Sort of)in the famous last words thread, but I thought I could put the whole story here.

    We were playing the Lost Mine Of Phandelver, and we had reached the Young Green Dragon. The Barbarian and Fighter both had the good sense to hide and try to attack it from a range, and everybody but me, the Paladin, and the Cleric had gone. I thought, "Hey...I'm a dragonborn...maybe I can reason with this beast!" I know, I know, not the smartest. Anyway, on my turn, I stepped out in front of the dragon and yelled, and I quote, "Mr.Dragon?! Can't we just talk about this!?" I roll persuasion, which I have +5 to, and...2. So, the dragon sprays me with poison, which I fail the saving throw on, and I start rolling death saving throws. Or I would have! The Cleric went after the dragon, and he brings me back up to half health! The DM lets me move my Paladin behind my rock as I make a mental note to myself that dragons don't take kindly to dragonborns.

    Not sure if you think that's funny, but I think it is!
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  16. - Top - End - #1366
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    Devil

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    This is the thread for my groups campaign and whilst it isn't 100% accurate and he sometimes dislikes when we get one over on him. RPF does write it up well and.... yes, draspher is just as ridiculous as the stories. Most sessions we wonder what **** he is gonna get us into...

    It-s-not-our-fault-tales-of-the-guild-team-that-really-should-have-stayed-at-home (i would post link but i have only just joined so i can't, its easy to find though)

    I'm Ocelot by the way.

  17. - Top - End - #1367
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Flumph

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    Sit around, friends, and let me tell you the tale of how our foolhardy brave party of privateers bested a monster 10 levels higher than us with a cantrip.

    I don't know if this is precisely funny, but this happened two weeks ago as the last session of our steampunk airship campaign in Pathfinder. This campaign is on hiatus while we play a different one, but we have promises that we'll get back to it eventually.

    It begins with our employer Redhorn giving us our orders for our next mission. We are to break into a vault and steal as much stuff from it as we can, somewhat like our last task except much more difficult.

    She isn't kidding. The vault is the one where the city guard locks away impounded magic items, and it has been recently upgraded, supposedly the most secure vault in the city.

    Well, we concoct a plan. Redhorn bribes a guard to place a couple of bags inside the vault without looking too closely at them. Now, these bags are a set of Bags of Holding, a type of magic item that carries much more stuff inside than they appear on the outside.

    And the stuff that was on the inside was our party: Darthoridan the gunslinger (me), Tesh the gnome fighter, Braelorne the halfling oracle, Baki the... tentacle thingie melee monster, and Phage the dragon.

    So we are inside the vault now, and have free reign to stuff as much as we can into our extra Bags of Holding we brought with us. Well, except for the trio of robot samurai that were in the vault as guards. They were a reasonably tough fight but doable.

    Anyway, the time comes for us to exit. Our original plan was to stealthily open the vault door from the inside and sneak out using disguises and potions of invisibility.

    The plan had to be this way because the vault is warded against teleportation.

    Anyway, we open up the vault, and guarding the entrance room we find... this guy guarding the door.

    This is a Cannon Golem. It is a CR 15 monster, 15 feet tall, adamantine armor, with a battleship cannon for an arm and an endless supply of ammunition.

    So basically Megatron.

    Like most golems, it's immune to any magic that allows Spell Resistance, so most attack spells can't even touch it.

    The only way to damage it is to use weapons made of adamantine, which we have in limited supply.

    After it shoots Baki a couple times as we try to get past it to exit the vault, we retreat under cover of a smoke bomb and hatch a plan.

    One of the magic items we found in the vault was a set of Boots of Teleportation. Now, we can't teleport from inside the vault, but the room directly outside isn't so protected. Braelorne can cast a spell called Sanctuary, which prevents enemies from attacking whomever it's cast upon unless they make a Will save. And ALSO doesn't allow Spell Resistance.

    So what we do is, everyone except Braelorne get back in the sack, he puts on the boots of teleportation, and casts Sanctuary on himself. And he tries to just walk past the golem, all nice-like.

    UNFORTUNATELY the golem makes its will save, and blasts him, taking him into the negative hit points.

    Now, just in case things went wrong, we'd left the bags open, so we piled out again and hauled him to safety and healed him up. So, with nothing else left to do, I, Baki, and Tesh attacked the golem head-on while Phage fumbled around trying to use a scroll of Rusting Grasp (a spell that corrodes and damages things made of metal).

    Now there's a peculiar habit our oracle has picked up, possibly stemming from the time we took on a pair of fiery golems and a salamander. He knows a cantrip called Create Water, which is a spell so weak it doesn't even use up any of his magical resources to cast. And he's taken to casting it and dousing new monsters we fight in case it does something to them.

    Our DM had forgotten about this peculiarity. And also, until the very moment Braelorne started casting it, that Cannon Golems have a slight problem with water.

    You see, if a Cannon Golem gets wet, its cannon misfires and it has to spend a round repairing it.

    So, since Braelorne can keep casting this spell all day if he wants, the Cannon Golem suddenly can't attack us at all and it's too dumb to retreat, so we just spend our rounds shooting and slashing it with adamantine weapons until Phage finally manages to cast Rusting Grasp and corrode it into useless chunks of metal.

    Well, then it's a simple matter of piling back into the bags and teleporting back to base, where we learn that we had been hired BY the City Guard to test their new defense systems. And... we'd just managed to not only rob them blind, but also destroy said defenses.

    Also Redhorn won a whole lot of bets that day. And we got to keep half of what we stole from the vault.

    And that was how we reached level 7.
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  18. - Top - End - #1368
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    dehro's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Last I knew, you can't breathe in a bag of holding...other than that, that sounds like a fun night of gaming.
    Huzza! for Linkele, for drawing the bestest avatar ever!
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    Cursed zombies are more realistic.
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  19. - Top - End - #1369
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    ElfRangerGuy

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    I have a funny story that happened just an hour ago.

    So my players are travelling via ship from parts known to parts unknown.
    A thick fog rolls in and in the morning they find a giant flotsam ooze has attached itself to the ship's belly, preventing them from pulling anchor and sailing away. It isn't like a terrible menace or anything, it's an ooze and completely mindless. Just waiting for anything to come within range of its blindsight to snatch an eat. It would have detached on its own in a couple of days and moved on. This was an encounter where the easiest solution was literally to do nothing. But you know how PCs are...

    They were practically ready to wait it out. But then this NPC comes along that the PCs have taken a liking to - a curious little monkey child(and by monkey, I don't mean figuratively. Well, not literally either, more anthropomorphically). She's exceptionally curious, comes over to see what the commotion is about. They pull her away from the area where the thing can snatch people from the top of the ship. Fine so far. But being curious, she decides to scale the mast and scoot along the horizontal sections suspended from it(I have no idea what they're called) to get a better look from a safe distance. Now, her being a monkey, she's pretty good with balance, so there is absolutely zero chance of her falling. Again, had they done nothing, things would have worked out. But no... my dragon PC decides to fly up there and scold her for doing such things/bring her down. But being a dragon, he's not terribly good at flying(even small dragons are clumsy fliers, if fast), and if he wants to do any of that he needs to make a hover check, that's a DC20(I've changed a couple of the Fly DCs from basic pathfinder in my game). He fails this by the skin of his teeth. I ask him very carefully - do you want to make a reflex save to catch yourself on the loosely hanging section the girl is standing on? "Yes," he says, "of course!" He makes that save. With all his weight jerking on the section, forcing a balance check for the girl. She didn't really need a lot to hang on - like a 6, as I said, she's good on her feet(and tail). Except she rolled a 2. And since the ship is listing off to the side with the big blob attached to it, she's now flying straight into the water, and into its clutches.

    There was an amusing little battle scenario after that, where the whole party dove after her to save her. They did manage it, as they rolled well on initiative and the ooze was mindless, so went for the biggest, juiciest target which in this case happened to be my mimic PC(large size). I say amusing, because the ooze had the "adhesive" special ability - which is exactly the same thing my mimic had, so I got a kick out of subjecting him to the same medicine he dished out on the poor little mooks I usually threw at the party.

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  20. - Top - End - #1370
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
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    The horizontal parts of the mast is called the yards, with the section closest to the mast called the bunt, the part furthest called the yardarm, and the part in between those called the quarters. And I have no idea why I know that.
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  21. - Top - End - #1371
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Random NPC View Post
    The horizontal parts of the mast is called the yards, with the section closest to the mast called the bunt, the part furthest called the yardarm, and the part in between those called the quarters. And I have no idea why I know that.
    Cashmere fabric is named for the city of Kashgar in Western China, the word "orange" meant the fruit before the color (but originally meant the tree that fruit came from) and a squirrel's pregnancy lasts 37 days.
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  22. - Top - End - #1372
    Eldritch Horror in the Playground Moderator
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    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    Last I knew, you can't breathe in a bag of holding...other than that, that sounds like a fun night of gaming.
    I think a bag, by default, has enough air for 10 minutes of breathing by a single medium creature. But that might be for a Portable Hole instead, I don't remember.
    Quote Originally Posted by Red Fel, on quest rewards
    "Is a stack of ten pancakes too many pancakes to give to the party, even if most of them fell on the floor and one or two were stepped on? I wanted to give my party pancakes as a reward but I'm unsure if it's too much. The pancakes are also laced with blowfish poison so the party would have to get an antitoxin before they could eat the ones which weren't pulverized by shoes."

    I don't think anyone would want those pancakes even if you paid them to eat them.

  23. - Top - End - #1373
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Random NPC View Post
    The horizontal parts of the mast is called the yards, with the section closest to the mast called the bunt, the part furthest called the yardarm, and the part in between those called the quarters. And I have no idea why I know that.
    What a silly bunt.
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  24. - Top - End - #1374
    Halfling in the Playground
     
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    Quote Originally Posted by enderlord99 View Post
    Cashmere fabric is named for the city of Kashgar in Western China, the word "orange" meant the fruit before the color (but originally meant the tree that fruit came from) and a squirrel's pregnancy lasts 37 days.
    Cats can run at 40 MPH, squirrels can't get rabies, and scooby doo is a great dane.
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  25. - Top - End - #1375
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    Quote Originally Posted by TrT8r View Post
    Cats can run at 40 MPH, squirrels can't get rabies, and scooby doo is a great dane.
    I'm pretty sure squirrels can get rabies just as easily as any other mammal. They just usually die to something else (such as the thing that just bit them) before showing symptoms.

    Either way, a change in acceleration is "jerk," a change in jerk is "jounce," and A Change in the Weather is 4.7 on rotten tomatoes.
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  26. - Top - End - #1376
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    Quote Originally Posted by enderlord99 View Post
    I'm pretty sure squirrels can get rabies just as easily as any other mammal. They just usually die to something else (such as the thing that just bit them) before showing symptoms.

    Either way, a change in acceleration is "jerk," a change in jerk is "jounce," and A Change in the Weather is 4.7 on rotten tomatoes.
    The atmosphere on Venus is so dense that you could generate enough lift to fly by flapping your arms. Modern science and engineering has no idea how bicycles actually work. Oxen are incapable of seeing their own hind legs. If you fell into a black hole, you would see yourself dying before dying.
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  27. - Top - End - #1377
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
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    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    Last I knew, you can't breathe in a bag of holding...other than that, that sounds like a fun night of gaming.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Glyphstone View Post
    I think a bag, by default, has enough air for 10 minutes of breathing by a single medium creature. But that might be for a Portable Hole instead, I don't remember.
    We had bottles of air in the bags that we passed around. I left out some bits and things that happened in the session to streamline the story.
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  28. - Top - End - #1378
    Halfling in the Playground
     
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    I guess I'll share one of my stupid stories:

    The actual story happened purely because of my silly character idea I had. Guy Handsome, the beautiful blond Ranger Elf with long flowing hair and a Longbow, which I fired from my hip. I would flip my hair immediately after I said something, and my Ranger "Favored Enemy" type was 'Women' so I had advantage on tracking and spoke their language (the language of LOVE). The only thing I ever did that wasn't "Look at my reflection" was shine the Paladin's armor every night. That way I could look at my reflection in his armor as we walked.

    My DM thought it was funny at first. Then he got bored of it and in an encounter against some pirates I was attacked by a cutlass-wielding madman who cut off my hair.

    I dramatized it. I moaned and cried and prayed to every deity that the other party members worshiped. Then I prayed to myself, because I was the most beautiful deity of all. Then, as part of the story, I found someone who had the magic power capable of fixing my hair.

    Naturally, the spell backfired and I was cursed with baldness. Then I derailed the entire campaign for an hour as I forced the party to find me a wig without actually showing anyone my head.

    It became a running joke through the rest of the campaign. Every time I did a hair flip I had remember to tell the DM that I wanted to hold onto my wig. The female Paladin's response to all my cheesy pick-up lines (Hey Baby, are you an Angel? Because your smile is dealing radiant damage to me.) was to stuff my wig down my throat. I even convinced a group of Kuo-Toa to worship me, because they caught a glimpse of my baldness as I hair flipped and decided that something so ugly had to be divine.

    Those were good times.

  29. - Top - End - #1379
    Barbarian in the Playground
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    I was playing a Pathfinder Society game as my Barbarian, who gets 2 claw attacks and a bite when he rages. We're walking through an alley, when suddenly a swarm of rats crawls up out of the sewer and attacks for some unknown reason! So naturally, I rage and attack, as Barbarians do. My 2 claw attacks don't quite do it, so I used the bite. That did it, so I stopped raging and started spitting out bits of sewer rat and wondering why in the abyss I just did that.

    That Barbarian's fun to play, he likes books because killing people's easy, but reading? Now that's a challenge.
    Quote Originally Posted by Chronikoce View Post
    If I handed someone a candlestick and asked them to hold it for me you wouldn't say they were wielding the candlestick. If I handed someone a candlestick and asked them to club an intruder to death you would say they were wielding the candlestick. The act of using the held item for a purpose such as intruder clubbing changes the word that ought to be used.

  30. - Top - End - #1380
    Halfling in the Playground
     
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    Short story from a homebrew campaign.
    So all of the other players are new, and are in 6th to 9th grade. As such, the DM has put us in a learning area.
    Also known as a jail. Without magic. Or weapons and armor.
    Anyways, we need a key to escape, so we get our equipment (after breaking out, of course), and find a closed door. After solving the puzzle by throwing the gnome in a nearby tar pit, we go to confront the warden of the jail.
    At this point, it should be mentioned that my character was abused by his father all throughout his childhood, until his father was executed. It should also be said that I use a whip as my main weapon.
    I, being the only experienced player, go in first. The warden uses magic to assume the appearance of my characters dad, to try and psych me out.
    I simply screamed "WHO HAS THE WHIP NOW?!?!!" And whipped him across the face.
    We took a few moments to recover and get back on topic.

    On a side note, don't stand on a sorcerer.
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