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  1. - Top - End - #1441
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Elvensilver's Avatar

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    smile Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Hello everyone, I really love this thread, it was one of the main reasons for me to Register. So without further ado: a story, that I hope you'll enjoy.

    How the cleric got shot by a catapult- not once, not twice, but thrice in the same evening

    setting is pathfinder, heavily homeruled, and with ludicrous amounts of powerfull items
    relevant persons: Alina, human LG cleric (paladin in everything but name)

    So, our two-person party (lvl. 8) was tasked with defending a city from a undead horde. The other party member, a bard, was currently held prison in another dimension, so it was just Alina, the cleric. So far, the defending part was going smoothly, skeletons dropped like flies to the cleric‘s holy magic.
    But then, another enemy entered the fold: a human wizard or sorcerer that the party already knew for his dominate person spells. He won initiative, and proceeded to cast dominate person. Of course, Alina failed her save. He ordered her to take of her armor and give up her weapons, which she immediately did. Afterwards, he ordered her to climb into a catapult, with which the undead horde was besieging the city. That appearently wasn‘t against her nature or her surviaval instincts, so she did that, too. He let his henchman fire the catapult, and some rounds of flying later, she chrashed into a wall in the city.
    That somehow broke the domination (as well as some bones). She healed up, grabbed her horse from the stables and rushed out of the citygates to get back her belongings and bring the evildoer to justice. A quick note: these were some seriously nice weapons he took, and the armor was +4 with light fortification and included the effects of a belt of giant‘s strenght and a headband of mental progress. Also, it was made out of gilded dragonscales. Really not something you can afford to lose so easily! So, second time, second dominate person: not even protection from evil helped well enought to ward it of. The catapult was loaded again, so she was fired again into the city.
    Again, that broke the domination, and again, she rushed out to confront the sorcerer/wizard: after all, she had a superb will saving throw, and at some point, he would run out of dominate person spells, wouldn‘t he? Appearently he didn‘t. So again, flight via catapult into the besieged city.
    The inhabitants and defending soldiers were already looking at her like a lunatic. Around this time, the bard escaped from his dimensional prison. Together they rushed out of the city. This time, the wizard fled, but he took the armor and as many weapons as he could carry with him…
    Luckily, he wasn‘t as strong as the cleric and at least couldn‘t quite carry the 60-pound warhammer.
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  2. - Top - End - #1442

    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Some good stories here.

  3. - Top - End - #1443
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    GnomeWizardGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    So about a week ago, one of my friends decided to try running a special heist themed adventure for 5th edition, and invited a group of us over. We were trying to steal a magical staff from an elven king, but we didn't know the combination for the vault in which it was stored, nor did we know where the vault was. Obviously, some reconnaissance was necessary.
    We infiltrated the castle by posing as members of the serving staff, and to our good fortune, we found that the castle had a system of laundry chutes running to every room. Too small and weak to hold a human or elf, but easily capable of supporting our halfling fighter. The daring halfling began a secret search of the castle, only to be caught when he emerged into a room filled with guards. He made his escape back through the chutes, but the castle was now on high alert searching for a halfling.
    He managed to sneak out into the garden outside, but faced a problem. The whole castle was surrounded by a high wall lined with guards, with only one gate providing an exit. He was stuck. Only a crazy plan would get him out.
    The party hid him near the garbage disposal, where no sane man would tread, then returned to the servants quarters. There, we systematically spread a carefully concocted tale- 'twas no halfling the guards saw, but a horrifying ghost, a vengeful spirit from the terrible slaughter of halflings which had taken place on the very ground the castle was built! Yes, this halfling ghost was furious that the elves had built their castle on his grave, and now he was out for blood.
    By the end of the day, there was not a single servant or guard who had not heard the tale of the halfling ghost.
    That night, the rogue doused the halfling in flour, covered him with a sheet, and told him:
    "Run for the gates while howling like a mad man, and don't stop for anything!"
    As the halfling began his run, the party began screaming, "Watch out! The ghost of the halfling! He'll kill us all!" It was too much for the poor guards, who all fainted on the spot or simply took off running. The halfling fled through the open gate, and the party began slapping each other on the back in congratulations.
    But there was just one problem.
    You see, this halfling was...special. As in, an intelligence so low, zombies recoiled from his brain. And his player fully committed to the character, even inventing special rules for himself that he had to follow. One such rule was that, due to such limited storage space in his brain, the halfling could only remember three things at a time. He had forgotten how to read in order to remember the rogue's instructions. Instructions which clearly specified,
    "Do not stop for anything!"
    So he didn't. And with his high strength and constitution, by the time the party realized our mistake, the halfling was almost thirty miles away.
    Ever since that day, we made sure that the halfling always had a chaperone. Especially after we discovered that he was our worlds version of the Messiah. But that's another story.

  4. - Top - End - #1444
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    BlackDragon

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Cyberpunk Campaign; Player tried to seduce a 'bigfoot' that is all i can say because well there you go
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    Quote Originally Posted by Miscast_Mage View Post
    You're a frickin' ninja below me, too!? You got mad skills, Vknight.
    Quote Originally Posted by Arbane View Post
    Rogue vs. Dog. (The new Cat vs. Commoner, only not amusing!)
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay R View Post
    You are making the assumption of rational planning. After 37 years of dungeon crawling, I still have zero evidence that the average dungeon was designed by the sane.
    "Sleep is optional, just ask Vknight" Someone I Forget but thanks... I don't

  5. - Top - End - #1445
    Troll in the Playground
     
    ElfRangerGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    in our last Pendragon campaign session we were in a huge battle. I mean, 10000+ people on both sides. In the past we had managed to hold a whole flank in a smaller battle and this time we were in an echelle together with some NPCs, but with one of the PCs leading it. About the only thing we ever did in the whole battle was 'push forward'. In a previous battle we had been the first (and only) group to manage to get into the enemy camp and we wanted to repeat that process.

    Every round the PC leading had to roll a battle roll and every time he beat the GM by one or two, winning us the day. My character ended up within 2 hp of going unconscious but wouldn't give up, even at the end when we charged the Saxon king with his bodyguards. We managed to capture the king, but I didn't join too much of the victory celebrations as I was too busy healing (I could probably have done an Elan and come up to the surgeon with my spleen in my hand asking if I needed this).
    Clacks-Overhead: GNU Terry Pratchett

    "Magic can turn a frog into a prince. Science can turn a frog into a Ph.D. and you still have the frog you started with." Terry Pratchett
    "I will not yield to evil, unless she's cute."

  6. - Top - End - #1446
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    ClericGirl

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    A few weeks ago, the party of my game needed to sneak into an enemy fortress. Fortunately, that enemy fortress happened to be owned by a dragon named Riskal and our party had acquired some kobold followers. So, the party concocted a plan: they would send in some kobolds, claiming that they worked for the dragon, and asking to be let in. Then, when the gates were opened, the invisible party would sneak in.

    So the kobolds approached the gate, and the party's invisible halfling said to one of the kobolds, "I'll tell you what you need to say. Say exactly what I say, alright?".

    The halfling proceeded to say, "I am a kobold, come bearing news for the Riskal. Wait, actually, no, don't say that, that lie won't work. Say, I come bearing gifts that I wish to bring to Riskal".

    I did mention that the halfling told the kobold to stay EXACTLY what I say. Also, kobolds have intelligence 8 and wisdom 7. So... the kobold said everything the halfling said. All of it.

    D&D infiltration: always doomed to become a combat mission. Really, the only two questions are: #1 when will the party accidentally fail stealth and end up in combat, and #2 how many times will the be able to quietly take down the enemies, only to break stealth again later? In this case, they broke stealth three times. Two of those while the party was split, with the one character scouting ahead getting noticed.
    Quote Originally Posted by Grey_Wolf_c View Post
    No, it's obviously a darker and edgier version of The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

    GW

    CATNIP FOR THE CAT GOD! MILK FOR THE MILK BOWL!

  7. - Top - End - #1447
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    NecromancerGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    This is the story of one of my players in a game I DM (D&D 5E) and their pet magical frog which survived the deck of many things

    Basically the player in question is a Dragonborn zealot barbarian with a pet frog. now bear in mind that originally there was nothing magical at all about this frog (which he called Albert) but pretty much all players loved him he was with them from level 1 to 6 and over that time was subjected to magical alcohol tasting the results of which were it was slightly bigger and bright blue nothing else. Until the barbarian got a wish which he promptly spent on awakening the frog (his character was one of simple needs and joined the party because it seemed the best way to make money by fighting) and so Albert gained common speech and intelligence the plan i think was to turn him into the party rouge. All was well until the monk relieved they had wished for a deck of many things. After watching a few of the players draw cards and get great stuff (Really lucky) Albert cried out "3 CARDS" before it was put away and thus got to draw 3 cards. In order the frog drew Knight, Moon and Idiot cards so he got a frog with 4th level fighter abilities (the card specifically states that the knight is the same race as the one who drew) 3 wishes which he spent on getting a pond, a girlfriend and a giant fly. and the idiot card brought his intelligence back to what it was before he was awakened but he retained the power of speech. Now the party has to deal with him popping up sometimes and shouting stuff like "I WANT FLY" or "ARE WE BEING SNEAKY" at random times. and of course the barbarian looks to him for advice like how to raise a baby they found a little while later "PLACE BABY IN POND WAIT TILL IT HAS LEGS". The end hope you liked it.

  8. - Top - End - #1448
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    ClericGirl

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    This is precisely why the deck of many things is amazing. Chancing death or worse seems totally worth it for hilarious stuff like that.

    Please tell me that the knight frog has full plate armour. Please, let it be so.
    Quote Originally Posted by Grey_Wolf_c View Post
    No, it's obviously a darker and edgier version of The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

    GW

    CATNIP FOR THE CAT GOD! MILK FOR THE MILK BOWL!

  9. - Top - End - #1449
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    dehro's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Two moments of our last session... We're playing hoard of the dragon queen. We have reached the castle in the swamp where the enemy cult is plotting something and need to gain access to the fortress.
    I was late to the session and when I got there two of the players were carrying out a plan to try and cross the moat.
    Basically one got into the moat with a rope tired around his waist, the other end being held by the other guy.
    That's when I walked in. When they described the scene to me I pointed out "you realise that besides water, moats traditionally only contain ****, crocodiles or **** and crocodiles? So basically you're fishing for crocs with live bait..."
    By the time I sat down, the guy in the moat had indeed been bitten by a crocodile and barely escaped with his life.

    After the laughter died down, we found ourselves scrambling for another way to gain entry to the castle. One of the party suggested that we just walk up to the entrance... "Because they'll never expect us to"
    My reason was "well... No, because it's a bloody stupid idea!!"
    Of course it's what we ended up doing. We went in under the cover of darkness to try and be stealthy... Two of us can't see in the dark, all of the enemies have good night vision. Even so we might have succeeded if not for the sorceress who, upon seeing the enemy guards thought to get them with a fireball.
    When it was pointed out to her that we were trying to be stealthy she said "it's just fire, that doesn't make much of a sound"
    On the background a bunch of burning and screaming lizard folk and the Barbican was going up in flames.
    Strategy is not our forte, but you know things are going badly when I, of all people, am the voice of reason at the table, not once but twice.
    Last edited by dehro; 2018-11-30 at 10:21 PM.
    All hail Smutmulch for crafting my avatar!
    Quote Originally Posted by kpenguin View Post
    Cursed zombies are more realistic.
    Spoiler: siggatar and previous avatars.
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    the Badass Monkby Avi. Aktarus by Chd. Dehro by Wojiz


  10. - Top - End - #1450
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    NecromancerGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by Castiel1 View Post
    This is precisely why the deck of many things is amazing. Chancing death or worse seems totally worth it for hilarious stuff like that.

    Please tell me that the knight frog has full plate armour. Please, let it be so.
    Wears Tiny custom Samurai armor which acts as full plate

  11. - Top - End - #1451
    Troll in the Playground
     
    DeTess's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    When it was pointed out to her that we were trying to be stealthy she said "it's just fire, that doesn't make much of a sound"
    On the background a bunch of burning and screaming lizard folk and the Barbican was going up in flames.
    Strategy is not our forte, but you know things are going badly when I, of all people, am the voice of reason at the table, not once but twice.
    That reminds me of the time we where sneaking into a watch tower in dnd 5e. We had the bright idea to start from the top, so I flew up with a rope. There where two guards on top, but I had a cunning plan.

    Being a warlock I could basically magically punt both guards from the top of the tower. "Magic is mostly silent," I thought. "They'll never hear it comming," I thought.

    Obviously, the guards spent the entire way down screaming.
    Jasnah avatar by Zea Mays

  12. - Top - End - #1452
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    Lord Torath's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    That's when I walked in. When they described the scene to me I pointed out "you realise that besides water, mistress traditionally only contain ****, crocodiles or **** and crocodiles?
    Remind me to stay well away from your harem! (Gotta love/hate that Autocomplete/correct feature)
    Warhammer 40,000 Campaign Skirmish Game: Warpstrike
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  13. - Top - End - #1453
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    dehro's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by Lord Torath View Post
    Remind me to stay well away from your harem! (Gotta love/hate that Autocomplete/correct feature)
    such frustration...but yes, it's funny
    I shall edit.
    All hail Smutmulch for crafting my avatar!
    Quote Originally Posted by kpenguin View Post
    Cursed zombies are more realistic.
    Spoiler: siggatar and previous avatars.
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    the Badass Monkby Avi. Aktarus by Chd. Dehro by Wojiz


  14. - Top - End - #1454
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    MindFlayer

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    My players noticed the only spot on the floor that wasn’t covered in dust inside of an old abandoned temple. The Druid in the group pokes the spot and, finding that it is an illusion, pokes his head through to see a 10 foot drop on the other side.
    Further exploring the temple they find an exquisite feast prepared but covered in a layer of dust; Druid doesn’t care and grabs the turkey and starts chowing. They eventually make it back to the pit trap and he leans over and drops the now finished turkey in, narrowly avoiding the chandelier that came crashing past his head and into the hole a moment later.

  15. - Top - End - #1455
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    AssassinGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    3.5 campaign many moons ago. Our DM was a generous diety, granting extra XP for clever ideas and keeping in character IRL. Our party included an elven druid, his elven apprentice, gnome tinkerer, half-elf ranger, human rogue (me), and a human bard named Oberon Yeti-Bane. I’ll tell the tale of his name origin at a later time. Our adventure lasted the better part of a year, and there were several epic laughs. This was probably my favorite. We had come to a small city that was ruled by a powerful mage who had recently died, leaving control of the city to be fought over by his twin sons who were also wizards, each with a standing army of several hundred. One was power hungry and evil, the other was goodly and benevolent. We joined the forces of the latter. After several indecisive battles, the brothers each created golems as their champions. Our leader created a fearsome clay golem, but his dastardly brother used the remains of many of his own warriors to create a hulking flesh golem nearly twice the size of our own. Naturally our own golem was beaten in no time, as were our more common forces. So Oberon, whose player was a quick-witted and hilarious fellow, decided to take the group’s marble of holding and run up to the golem, hold the marble to its chest, and speak the command word. He made every roll demanded of him, and the golem was sucked off of the battlefield. Oberon was awarded double XP, and our group was hailed as the saviors of the city. Sadly and humorously, his idea and side effects; anytime we were engaged in stealth there was a large percentile chance that the marble would shake and make a Frankenstein-esque moaning sound, and whenever someone needed something from the marble, there was a percentile chance that the golem would grab them and pull them in for a good old fashioned beat down.

  16. - Top - End - #1456
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    NecromancerGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by The Big Bear View Post
    My players noticed the only spot on the floor that wasn’t covered in dust inside of an old abandoned temple. The Druid in the group pokes the spot and, finding that it is an illusion, pokes his head through to see a 10 foot drop on the other side.
    Further exploring the temple they find an exquisite feast prepared but covered in a layer of dust; Druid doesn’t care and grabs the turkey and starts chowing. They eventually make it back to the pit trap and he leans over and drops the now finished turkey in, narrowly avoiding the chandelier that came crashing past his head and into the hole a moment later.
    Cool Idea for a trap mind if I use it in my campaign? my players tend to ignore me when i say the area their in is too dangerous for their level.

  17. - Top - End - #1457
    Troll in the Playground
     
    ElfRangerGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Here are two stories (with the same party) from the first edition Warhammer Enemy Within campaign.

    ==SPOILER ALERT== If you are or will be playing the Enemy Within campaign, do not read further.

    Spoiler: story 1
    Show

    At one point the party arrived in Kislev in a village where an older guy lives who is a spy and we needed to find him. Apparently most of the groups that play this campaign spent hours trying to find him. We used the more direct route. I played an elf, so I had the idea to pose as a boyhood friend of this guy if we had to explain something. So we asked at the inn keeper if he knew the man and he just said 'sure, he lives over there.'
    Nobody knew he was a spy and everybody in the village knew him and could point to where he lived. We had found the shortcut.

    The same session we arrived at this guy's house and he had had a stroke, so he was bedridden. His wife was caring for him, but we needed to speak to him alone. Again, from what I heard most groups try to find convoluted plans to get rid of her (up to and including simply killing her). We just asked if we could have a cup of tea, getting rid of her for the few moments needed to speak to the guy alone and grab the documents he had hidden.


    Spoiler: story 2
    Show

    Second story. Again in Kislev we had gone into a temple run by two lesser chaos gods. Somehow we were turned into undead without us knowing and they offered to turn us back if we swore an oath (divinely enforced) not to talk about them ever. One of the party refused and died there (the player wanted to play another character, so this was a very good switch point), but the others agreed. Back in Praag we tried to get out of the oath and decided that what a god enforced, another god could undo. Since Morr didn't like undead, we decided to go to the temple of Morr and pray for divine intervention. The basic chance to get it was 1%, but you could lift that. By giving a large donation, getting the high priest to join us in praying and by keeping that up the whole night, we managed to get it up to the maximum of 15%. Two characters needed to roll (one other had died before), and I roll a 10 and the other an 11, so both succeed. Oath lifted by Morr, we could tell everything that happened up north.
    Clacks-Overhead: GNU Terry Pratchett

    "Magic can turn a frog into a prince. Science can turn a frog into a Ph.D. and you still have the frog you started with." Terry Pratchett
    "I will not yield to evil, unless she's cute."

  18. - Top - End - #1458
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Marywn's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    OK, I have a story of my aarakacro, and how she got second in a drinking contest against 4 dwarfs.


    A fighter, Captain Sucker punch, the self absorbed, egotistical fighter, a dwarf refereed to as Drake(But it's dwarf batman) and My messanger monk Iss, signed up for a mead drinking contest.
    My con bonus is +2
    Naturally Iss didn't think it was a contest, and Drake was totally ready. The Captain didn't want to be beat so he joined in.
    The contest started and Iss realized that she couldn't get out so she was force to participate and 4 other dwarfs also signed up.
    Each one of use had two roll 3 con saves, Naturally the dwarfs made it. captian failed two of them, but wasn't out yet.
    I rolled and got a 7 (DC is 10), a nat 20 and a 18.

    Next round, Captain critically failed so he fell unconscious. THe dwarfs again make their saves, THe I roll a 20(no natural), 18 and 16.
    This round the save was increased to 15, and then ALL 3 dwarfs critically failed except Drake, and I rolled a 16, nat 20
    and a 15.
    after that I rolled a 7 and lost.
    I got the respect of Dwarf batman though.
    Last edited by Marywn; 2018-12-07 at 11:33 AM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Nifft View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Marywn View Post
    TIME FOR THESAURUS.COM!
    Consummate
    For a sufficiently sexy Fey patron, that might be the best word yet.
    Quote Originally Posted by Man_Over_Game View Post
    Have Barbarian Bear Totem Centaur, who's being ridden by a Cavalier Centaur, who's being ridden by a Life Cleric Centaur, who's being ridden by a Goliath Monk, who's being ridden by a Gnomish Warlock.

    HI-HO SILVER, AWAYYYYYYY~!

  19. - Top - End - #1459
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    PaladinGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    The Goddamned DOOR




    3.5e story here

    At the time, our party was a bit different from what it is now.

    Back then, we had a Fighter who had the Throw Anything Feat. We were adventuring in a dungeon inhabited by Drow (and as we would learn, a few Goblins, some Undead, and other creatures). After our Scout disarmed and unlocked a wooden door, our Fighter asked if he could "Pull the door off it's hinges and carry it around".

    This door was 6ft tall, and 3ft wide, mind you.

    Our DM, not really wanting to say no out of sheer morbid curiosity, allowed it, but called for a STR check.

    The Fighter passed with flying colors.

    As the door was torn from the stone wall, we were alerted to the squeaking and squabbling of a small pack of goblins. The Scout and Ranger fill one full of arrows, managing to decapitate the poor thing in less than 6 seconds, just by the amount of arrows they put into its neck. I charge one of them, but I ****ed up the rules on charging and (because I made the mistake) didn't attack it. The Fighter, not wanting to be left out, decides to hurl the goddamned door at one of the goblins.

    Fighter: "Uh... [DM] how much damage does a goddamned door do?"

    Cue the mental math...

    DM: "Uh... I'd say 2d10. You're gonna take a bit of a penalty to h-

    Fighter: "Nat 20!" then promptly Nat 1'd the confirmation roll. Still, he hit.

    DM: "Roll damage. 2d10, plus your STR mod"

    *rolls damage* *damage is enough to turn the goblin to paste*

    Entire Party: *Howling with laughter as our Fighter turned a Goblin to ketchup by throwing a goddamned door at it*

    DM: "Jesus Christ, they're just Goblins! They're worth 1/2 CR... I feel sorry for the poor bastards now..."

    Bard attempts to make a joke about the goblins not having a father (yes, it was racist)

    Entire Party: "I don't. They're goblins. **** 'em."

    After the... fight?... After the goblin slaughtering, our Scout used his handaxe to turn the 6ft tall door into a 3ft tall wooden shuriken, which the Fighter hurled at Drow, Undead, and tables alike. Why tables? Cause our DM had the Drow use the huge ass tables as cover by kicking them over, like they did in old westerns.

    ....Until they were turned into splinters and firewood by our Fighter and his Goddamned Door Shuriken.

  20. - Top - End - #1460
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    EvilClericGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by Carden-Gix'oth View Post
    The Goddamned DOOR

    Goddamned Door Shuriken.
    Ah, the joys of DYNAMIC ENTRY!

  21. - Top - End - #1461
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Elvensilver's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Let's get this thread back to the first page!

    My first game I ever dm'd, all the over players (all siblings and cousins) played for the first time too.
    It was a simple job: the village held an adventuring test, with some trials in the woods, and in the end you would get a certificate signed by the mayor, 20 gold and some glory. Since only a few people showed up in the tavern in the dark corner, they were send to clear out the forest and the abondened house within take the test. After fighting an sickly gnoll, some small spiders and a large cat they finally arrived at a ruined house in the woods. Now the 4 Lvl1 Characters had the dangerous and important job to clear out the old haunted manor in the woods, so they after politly knocking, they entered. Thanks to a stroke of brilliance they rolled perception. The cleric found a suspicious plate in the floor, and after taking some time to exermine it, he conclued that it was indeed a trap, most likely linked to the small holes in the walls. So, the party complemented him for his findings and proceeded to circle around the plate.
    ...
    Well exept the cleric. He, because Intelligence 17 and Wisdom 18 is not enough for basic common sense, went backwards, broke in to a run ("Are you sure?") and stepped on the plate!
    3 arrows hit him. He had 9TP.
    Avatar made bei linklele!

    Currently playing:
    Gardin Farawyn Saskeon of Efteria, Elven Bard und Oracle
    Faire Camoretta, Halfling Monk.

  22. - Top - End - #1462
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    ClericGirl

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    I ran a one-shot in which I blend various ideas together to create a semi-cliché rescue-the-princess-from-the-tower one-shot. The players snuck up on the tower, and, in a stroke of genius, decided to split up and attack on all fronts, and used their high movements speeds run around, thus bumping into even more guards and activating even more encounters. And so it was that the party ended up simultaneously fight every single encounter that I had planned, and even the guards who were meant to be asleep. And, just to finish off, they went and accidentally killed the Princess as well.

    None of this was on purpose, either; they just did NOT work well together as a team. Heck, it took them an hour and a half to just leave the starting tavern!
    Last edited by Vessyra; 2019-01-12 at 12:26 AM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Grey_Wolf_c View Post
    No, it's obviously a darker and edgier version of The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

    GW

    CATNIP FOR THE CAT GOD! MILK FOR THE MILK BOWL!

  23. - Top - End - #1463
    Pixie in the Playground
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    We were playing LMoP, and our first encounter was several goblins. I intimidate them (roll a nat 20), and the DM describes them as "frozen with fear."

    At this point, our cleric decides to offer them his pants.

    The poor goblins, traumatized by this event, start running away, the cleric going after them, and the rest of the party after the cleric, trying to stop him! The cleric, being a wood elf and slightly faster, catches up and grabs two of the four goblins, and puts his pants on one of them.

    Our fighter says I'm going insane out of all of this (OOC), but the DM took it literally and made her roll for insanity. She got something like "an extreme hatred for the cause of insanity," and starts hitting our cleric. I try to stop her, only to be smashed in the face with my d6 sorcerer hit die. The cleric then manages to persuade the goblins to help him fight the fighter, and they do so, knocking the fighter out, but only after the cleric took some heavy flail hits in the face. Now, only the rogue is left, who Wass chilling behind all the time. He saw us dead, and looted us all, then returned to the path that we were told to take in the first place

    TL;DR: Our cleric scared away the goblins, made the fighter insane, got me killed, then had a fight to the death with the fighter. The only survivor looted us and missed. the cave for us to get to level 2.

  24. - Top - End - #1464
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    GnomeWizardGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    For this story to make sense, you have to know about a mechanic my group uses. We cycle out DM's on a weekly basis, so everybody plays and everybody DMs. We just run a lot of one shots, so for a long time, there was no real story, until one fateful day when we discovered one common thread that tied our tales together.
    A few years back, in one of our first adventures, we fought against an evil fire giant's plan to conquer a nearby city. When pressed for a name to give this villain, the DM, who had not come up with one earlier, shouted out, "Argon!" And thus was Argon the giant slain.
    Fast forward a few years, when the DM who ran the Argon campaign had left the group. A new DM was running this session, and now, it was a beholder who posed a threat. We did our research on this new evil doer, and discovered his sinister name: "Xenon."
    At this point, one of the older members of the group called a time out, and asked the rest of us,
    "Anybody remember Argon?" We all did. "And now we're fighting Xenon. Guys, this is our higher purpose! We must destroy the noble gases!" And so we began our holy mission, to destroy any evildoer who thought he could hide behind his completed valence electron shell. Baron Ununcium was the next to go, followed quickly by Krypton the sinister drow. Helium, the annoyingly squeaky dragon, met a similar fate, and at long last, the mission was completed with the defeat of the interdimensional being Neon. And thus it was that the party proved, no valence shell, no matter how complete, could ever protect evil from the reach of justice.

  25. - Top - End - #1465
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    RedWizardGuy

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    I've only played D&D once (which is a shame, I love D&D), but the one time I did, it was great.

    I believe we were playing 3.5e, and I was the team's wizard. There were too many people for one group so we split into two groups.

    At one point, we encountered this floating statue head. One of the party members (let's call him Dave) mistook it for a completely different monster, so we fled. Later we returned and it turned out that the thing only had 5 HP and died in one hit.

    Later on, we encountered this chest. Since approximately 50% of all chests in RPGs are trapped in some way, I was wary of it and cast Open/Close on it. The chest opened and no traps were triggered. Later we found out that the other group had just opened it and there was indeed a trap, poison if I remember correctly. So while the other group had to suffer from this poison trap, my group just took the loot with no consequences whatsoever.

    That's about all I can remember, all the amusing stuff anyway.
    Last edited by Firephantom105; 2019-02-16 at 08:58 PM.

  26. - Top - End - #1466
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    NecromancerGuy

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    The Barbarian and the Door of Maps
    OK so this is the story of a level 20 one shot i ran a while ago there were others in the party but today we will focus on the half orc barbarian with 26-27 strength score. basically the party head earlier in the day saved a cartographer (A map maker) from a household accident involving several shambling mounds and a crazy paladin of the ancients (another party member) they hired him to make them a map the local area to help them locate the dungeon which he told them they could collect it the next day. cut to the next morning later after decimating a small army and enslaving the rest of it largely out of in character boredom the barbarian was delayed keeping all their precious meat shields and cannon fodder from escaping and this is where the player who was a little tired and excited said "I run to the carpenters raging and kick the door open and demand the map" so I had him roll strength on the kick, intimidation and luck on whether he found a map in the poor carpenter who specialized in doors and cabinets. the results were 25, Nat 20 Nat 20 and i described as the barbarian kicked down the door into the carpenter knocking him off his feet standing on the door looming over him and screaming "Give me the Map NOW!!!" and the barbarian walked down the street mission accomplished with a highly detailed map engraved onto a large oak door held firmly in one hand whistling as he went about his merry way. it wasn't until I said it was engraved onto a door that the player realized what he had said. but we all laughed and said it was a great RP session.

  27. - Top - End - #1467
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    RedWizardGuy

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    I recently DMed part one of The Lost Mines of Phandelver for my mother and my brother. The recommended number of players for it is 4-5, so I had two DMPCs, a dwarf cleric (which I might have lazily named Durkon) and an elven wizard. The first encounter went pretty normal until after the party won, when my brother (who was playing the halfling rogue) decided to keep the eyes and hearts of the dead goblins and horses (you'd think he was a certain halflinf ranger). The party then find Cragmaw Cave, kills the goblins outside, my brother forgets to steal their eyes and hearts, and they enter. They see the kennel to their right and my brother decides to feed the wolves with those eyes and hearts he had been collecting. They let him past and the party decides to climb up the shaft in the back of the kennel. My brother, my mother, and the cleric reach the top of the shaft (the wizard couldn't catch up) and see a bugbear named Klarg, his pet wolf, and two goblins. Everyone (even the wizard) rolls initiative. My brother decides to only knock the wolf out, wanting to keep him as a pet later. He and my mother deal some good damage and the dwarf get a critical hit and deals 15 damage to Klarg. Meanwhile, the wizard slips and falls down the shaft, reaching 0 HP. My mom wound up in some sort of sniper duel with one of the goblins, sending arrows back anf forth but barely hitting. The wizard, still in the kennel, fails two death saves. If I remmber correctly, my brother killed Klarg and then the group killed the two goblins. The group finds some healing potions and my mom immediately grabs one and heads down to heal the wizard. My brother decides to just take the unconscious wolf and jump down the shaft, nearly dying from the fall. The wolf wakes up and they manage to calm it down by feeding it Klarg's eyes and heart. My mom stabilizes my brother before he has to make any death saves and we leave off there.

  28. - Top - End - #1468
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    The Kool's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Castiel1 View Post
    I ran a one-shot in which I blend various ideas together to create a semi-cliché rescue-the-princess-from-the-tower one-shot. The players snuck up on the tower, and, in a stroke of genius, decided to split up and attack on all fronts, and used their high movements speeds run around, thus bumping into even more guards and activating even more encounters. And so it was that the party ended up simultaneously fight every single encounter that I had planned, and even the guards who were meant to be asleep. And, just to finish off, they went and accidentally killed the Princess as well.

    None of this was on purpose, either; they just did NOT work well together as a team. Heck, it took them an hour and a half to just leave the starting tavern!
    Well, that sounds an awful lot like one of my absolute favorite sessions. Party of three: Vampire rogue, competent archer, and ballsy warmage (me). We were tasked with rescuing a prisoner from the highest tower of a keep. We travel to the island and probably spend 2-3 hours planning every move, every approach, investigating the island and the keep. We get into position, just the three of us, and at the word go we open every single room/encounter in the entire keep. The archer perches on the wall and snipes guards and anyone running to sound the alarm. The vampire descends from the top of the keep, grabbing the prisoner and ruthlessly clearing a path. I kite all the guards on the lower level into one room, then hit it with a maximized fireball. Within a minute of game time, silence reigned.

    But for funny stories, my favorite is probably the time the player of that archer (very intense, loved intrigue) was having a wordy, lengthy diplomatic discussion with a tyrant lord who the party had been tasked with overthrowing. The ranger in the corner got increasingly twitchy, until he just spoke up suddenly with no provocation: "I stab him." "Wait, really?" "Yeah, wait no... yeah I stab him." "Alright... everyone roll for initiative. The ranger has stabbed the lord." The exact same player, earlier in the session, when asked to create a diversion to help the town overthrow said lord: "Why don't we... set fire to the town... and blame the guard!"
    If you need me for anything, or I forgot about something, PM me and I'll see it.
    Undead- er, undying gratitude to linklele for the avatar.
    Quote Originally Posted by frogglesmash View Post
    I guess I'll amend my original statement and instead say that Pathfinder is close enough to 3.5 to spark an argument about how close it actually is.

  29. - Top - End - #1469
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Malphegor's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    How To Deal With The One Ring, My D&D group's Method

    So we had a macguffin that was evil and bad and could not be destroyed, and we were delivering it from the temple of Loki to the temple of Thor which is apparently a bajillion miles away and we still haven't done that yet one day maybe.

    But. We realised that we had an indestructible object of power on our hands, so after a bit of debate, with topics such as 'strap it to your armour so it's a infinite-AC armour over a specific part of you', to 'why not just find a volcano- what do you mean fire elementals exist and could be corrupted by it', I realised that such an item of great power had one use for a party such as ours...


    An orc tavern- there are patrons drinking, a mild bar brawl, and a thick layer of smoke in the air, tinged with the smell of sweat and testosterone.

    The saloon doors slam open, and a tiefling wizard steps in, grin apparent on his face, doffs his pointy hat and pulls out the macguffin for the confused orcs to see.

    "Good evening gentlemen, step right up, step right up, try your might at destroying the work of a wizard who thinks orcs are dumb idiots! One gold a go, come on lads, give it a try!"

    Very carefully, we got orcs to line up and try their hand at smashing the macguffin, and all failed. By the time some of them were sober enough to demand their gold back, we had enough money for some new spells for me, a few new weapons, and a carriage out of the city.

    So if you ever find the One Ring, why not just scam people out of their money and make them pay for the opportunity to destroy it?

    (note keep the macguffin close though very easy for someone to nick it in the confusion)
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  30. - Top - End - #1470
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    PaladinGuy

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    Hey, guys. I'm back! And this time I'm DMing.

    To wrap up on that last campaign, in no particular order,

    ~We found, and took 43 crates containing 1600 pellets each of what can only be called "high yield explosives" (keep in mind, I was playing a Paladin). These pellets can be safely launched from a sling, and, upon impact, explode dealing 3d100 damage in a 50ft radius. I'll say that again 3d100 damage, in a 50ft radius ****ery ensued soon after.

    ~Using a little known, but OK'd power called "Speak High Draconic" my Paladin of Bahamut cast "Quickened Create Water" and, after some deliberation, created enough snow to trap 2 drow warriors in. He then cast "Binding Snow" (Found in Frostburn) to freeze them in a solid block of ice.

    ~The Ranger freed a captive Aasimar Half-Drow girl from slavery, and also skinned a man alive (partially)

    ~The Ogre (yes, we had an Ogre) nearly beat Kord to death in less than 6 seconds in an honorable duel, thus becoming Kord's Avatar

    ~The Paladin, Ranger, and Ogre all became Overdeities (some of you may have seen my post a few months back asking about Divine Ranks)


    But that was last campaign. You're here for a funny story... Well, I'm in the process of scamming my players, and they don't even know it. Ever here of the game "Razzle Dazzle?" It's on Scam Nation's YouTube, check it out.

    So, they (Elven Female Ranger and Dragonkin Male Knight/Crusader) debate, as usual, who's going through the nearly-rusted-shut and probably-trapped-since-the-Ranger-has-no-levels-in-Rogue-door when it opens.

    A silky voice beckons them inside the utterly dark room. Not magically dark, mind you, just devoid of light. After some persuasion the side of the Contract Devil, they hear him out. He explains the rules of the game, explains that the Contract is the Game, what they're entitled to pay is any and all gold lost, and what they stand to gain is literally anything they want, and at any time they are free to leave, provided they have paid him the money owed. If they go into the Red, well, it's a f*cking Contract Devil he's gonna take their souls, but he'll also give them back their money so they can keep playing... They decide to play. So far:

    The Ranger has to pay 256 Copper (or, 2 Gold, 5 Silver, and 6 Copper) per round has 17 prizes, and 20 Points, and has spent, so far, over 2 PLATINUM
    The Knight has to pay 64 Copper (or 6 Silver, 4 Copper) per round, has 16 prizes, and 40 Points. and has spent, so far, just over 1 Platinum.

    We ended the Discord call cause a storm is rolling in for me and one of the players and we didn't want things to be cut off, and so that's where I'm ending this for now.

    The best part? The Knight figured out, without looking it up (I changed the name if the game from "Razzle Dazzle" to "Dragon's Hoard" that it's a scam, but they won't stop playing!!

    I'll update y'all on how far they go next week, and let you know what happens.

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