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  1. - Top - End - #151
    Firbolg in the Playground
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    Quote Originally Posted by JackOfAllBuilds View Post
    YYEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

    [I laughed so hard, congratulations on the pun. How long did it take from conception to payoff?]
    About 5 sessions, give or take.

    I was going to start a chain of Farmers Markets as well, and name it the Green Grocers, but no one at the table would likely have appreciated the joke there. Campaign finished before I could do that.
    ~~Courage is not the lack of fear~~
    Quote Originally Posted by gooddragon1 View Post
    If the party wizard can't survive a supersonic dragon made of iron at epic levels it's his own fault really.
    "In soviet dungeon, aboleth farms you!"

  2. - Top - End - #152
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Krazzman's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Karoht View Post
    About 5 sessions, give or take.

    I was going to start a chain of Farmers Markets as well, and name it the Green Grocers, but no one at the table would likely have appreciated the joke there. Campaign finished before I could do that.
    I didn't get that joke... and the non-prophet one also flew wide above my head...

    (the thing I could image here is the similar pronounciation between prophet and profit...)
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  3. - Top - End - #153
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    Antonok's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Krazzman View Post
    (the thing I could image here is the similar pronounciation between prophet and profit...)
    Its a spoof on non-profit.

    Prophet = A person regarded as an inspired teacher or proclaimer of the will of ' a Deity'.

    So by making the shrine to honor nature instead of a deity, there was no 'prophet' involved.

    Thus the joke, 'non-prophet' organization.

    Edit: Not sure why I was compelled to explain that...
    Last edited by Antonok; 2012-08-23 at 12:10 PM.
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  4. - Top - End - #154
    Firbolg in the Playground
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    Quote Originally Posted by Antonok View Post
    Its a spoof on non-profit.

    Prophet = A person regarded as an inspired teacher or proclaimer of the will of ' a Deity'.

    So by making the shrine to honor nature instead of a deity, there was no 'prophet' involved.

    Thus the joke, 'non-prophet' organization.

    Edit: Not sure why I was compelled to explain that...
    Excellent explanation. And yes, Prophet and Profit are pronounced the same.

    And in England, there is actually a group of vendors called Greengrocers. Yes, they sell produce. The joke there in relation to my druid is that people typically percieve mother earth, the planet earth, and anything related to druids and nature as green. Add in that they sell produce... yeah.
    ~~Courage is not the lack of fear~~
    Quote Originally Posted by gooddragon1 View Post
    If the party wizard can't survive a supersonic dragon made of iron at epic levels it's his own fault really.
    "In soviet dungeon, aboleth farms you!"

  5. - Top - End - #155
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    HalflingRangerGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Karoht View Post
    I played a VoP Druid. I was handed a boatload of gold and I had no idea what to do with it.

    So I bought a massive expanse of wilderness. I hired a bunch of Druids to manage it, and put some Rangers on the payroll to help the Druids keep an eye on the place.
    Eventually, after a few more rewards came in, I helped the Druids build a temple (out of trees) along with expanding the wildlife preserve.
    I'm in a guild of rangers and druids already... mind if I steal this idea?

  6. - Top - End - #156
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    Not so much funny as much as it is awesome. My new character, Tor, is a Goliath (DM-changed for Pathfinder to make it LA 0) Barbarian. While the others of our party were going to collect refugees to bring them to a castle we cleared out, we were attacked as we were fortifying. It was me and the party's Paladin, Del. He starts by telling the giants (Three minotaurs with +50% extra HP, a troll with Regeneration 10 and +30% extra HP, and an Ettin with quadrupled HP, around 260.) that they are to stand down or be slain on the spot, as we killed their boss, who was a Marilith. The troll starts climbing the castle walls, and when he gets up, he is immediately pinned by my character. Del decides to go down and start beating on the monsters. After a couple of rounds of them trying to break down the gate, I decide to do the one and only thing my character thought to do.

    He grabbed the half-ton troll, himself being 500 pounds, pushed the troll over the edge (a 30 foot drop) and went with it. Passing his acrobatics check, he takes 3 points of damage, while the troll takes a measly 4d6, but the Minotaur?

    It very nearly died from a surprise troll to the face.

    We then killed the Ettin, who was the boss of the Minotaurs, and they fled.

    I coup-de-graced the Troll, causing it to make a Fortitude save or die, at DC 155.

    It got a 19 on the d20.

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  7. - Top - End - #157
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
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    It's situational comedy, which is often lost in translation.

    ... Shame. : /
    I know what you're thinking. "Did he prepare six Explosive Runes this morning or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is the 3rd level spell Explosive Runes, the most powerful Abjuration in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

  8. - Top - End - #158
    Pixie in the Playground
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    OK so this one is a little blue...

    We captured a goblin and demanded information out of him. He wasn't forthcoming, so we cast a delayed blast fireball and shoved it down his pants. Threatening that we would not dispel it until he told us the truth he quickly spilled the beans and we waved the wand of dispel magic at his nether regions.

    We untied him and he left at a run shouting that he had lied to us. We shouted back that we had also lied and ..... BOOM.

  9. - Top - End - #159
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    Well, I've been reading these stories, and I felt I should post a story that happened pretty recently.

    the party is running 4e. the party has a total of 11 pc's, though we rarely get everyone together, but we had 5 pcs to work with this instance

    the pregnant elven fighter
    the human cleric
    the elven ranger
    the changeling artificer
    And my dragon-born fighter

    We go to the leader of wizards and he asks us if we want to train up for the challenges to come. We say sure, and he throws us into another plane of existence. The first time we enter we end up fighting a red dragon, not to difficult between the 5 players, though we mostly lucked out from the dm's terrible starting roles. We killed the dragon, and got thrown back out. We're all pumped, and the wizard asks if we want to go again. The other fighter in our group gets super excited and goes hell yeah. The cleric votes yes, as does the artificer. The ranger says no, and I remain indifferent. The wizard grins and throws us back thru the portal. We end up getting thrown up against 3 blade spiders, nowhere near as bad, but the ranger is arachnophobia. He passes out at the sight of giant spiders, so he gets sucked out of the plane by the wizard. the rest of us stay and fight. They're pretty easy to fight, so we have 2 incredibly injured. I decide to make a dungenering check on the spider, and discover it can be used as a mount by humanoid creatures, so I decide to roll a nature check to determine if I can tame it. Nat 20, and I hop on its back. I then ride it into combat and kill the other two. afterwords, I'm allowed to keep the spider as my mount and ride out of the portal. Our ranger is standing there waiting for us and sees the spider, screams like a girl and threatens to kill my mount, then I tel him I'll kill him if he tries, and we have a stand off before he runs away, up a flight of stairs and refuses to adventure with me.

  10. - Top - End - #160
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lost_In_Darknes View Post
    Well, I've been reading these stories, and I felt I should post a story that happened pretty recently.

    the party is running 4e. the party has a total of 11 pc's, though we rarely get everyone together, but we had 5 pcs to work with this instance

    the pregnant elven fighter
    the human cleric
    the elven ranger
    the changeling artificer
    And my dragon-born fighter

    We go to the leader of wizards and he asks us if we want to train up for the challenges to come. We say sure, and he throws us into another plane of existence. The first time we enter we end up fighting a red dragon, not to difficult between the 5 players, though we mostly lucked out from the dm's terrible starting roles. We killed the dragon, and got thrown back out. We're all pumped, and the wizard asks if we want to go again. The other fighter in our group gets super excited and goes hell yeah. The cleric votes yes, as does the artificer. The ranger says no, and I remain indifferent. The wizard grins and throws us back thru the portal. We end up getting thrown up against 3 blade spiders, nowhere near as bad, but the ranger is arachnophobia. He passes out at the sight of giant spiders, so he gets sucked out of the plane by the wizard. the rest of us stay and fight. They're pretty easy to fight, so we have 2 incredibly injured. I decide to make a dungenering check on the spider, and discover it can be used as a mount by humanoid creatures, so I decide to roll a nature check to determine if I can tame it. Nat 20, and I hop on its back. I then ride it into combat and kill the other two. afterwords, I'm allowed to keep the spider as my mount and ride out of the portal. Our ranger is standing there waiting for us and sees the spider, screams like a girl and threatens to kill my mount, then I tel him I'll kill him if he tries, and we have a stand off before he runs away, up a flight of stairs and refuses to adventure with me.
    Wait your other fighter goes into battle pregnant?
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  11. - Top - End - #161
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    RedWizardGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lost_In_Darknes View Post
    Well, I've been reading these stories, and I felt I should post a story that happened pretty recently.

    the party is running 4e. the party has a total of 11 pc's, though we rarely get everyone together, but we had 5 pcs to work with this instance

    the pregnant elven fighter
    the human cleric
    the elven ranger
    the changeling artificer
    And my dragon-born fighter

    We go to the leader of wizards and he asks us if we want to train up for the challenges to come. We say sure, and he throws us into another plane of existence. The first time we enter we end up fighting a red dragon, not to difficult between the 5 players, though we mostly lucked out from the dm's terrible starting roles. We killed the dragon, and got thrown back out. We're all pumped, and the wizard asks if we want to go again. The other fighter in our group gets super excited and goes hell yeah. The cleric votes yes, as does the artificer. The ranger says no, and I remain indifferent. The wizard grins and throws us back thru the portal. We end up getting thrown up against 3 blade spiders, nowhere near as bad, but the ranger is arachnophobia. He passes out at the sight of giant spiders, so he gets sucked out of the plane by the wizard. the rest of us stay and fight. They're pretty easy to fight, so we have 2 incredibly injured. I decide to make a dungenering check on the spider, and discover it can be used as a mount by humanoid creatures, so I decide to roll a nature check to determine if I can tame it. Nat 20, and I hop on its back. I then ride it into combat and kill the other two. afterwords, I'm allowed to keep the spider as my mount and ride out of the portal. Our ranger is standing there waiting for us and sees the spider, screams like a girl and threatens to kill my mount, then I tel him I'll kill him if he tries, and we have a stand off before he runs away, up a flight of stairs and refuses to adventure with me.
    All i can think of is the list of things can no longer do during an RPG.One of the rules was my character cannot start the game pregnant. Also did your DM have a house rule that a nat 20 skill check always succeds?
    Last edited by Curtis6566; 2012-08-26 at 11:40 AM.
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  12. - Top - End - #162
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    Craft (Cheese)'s Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Doran View Post
    Wait your other fighter goes into battle pregnant?
    I was sorely disappointed when the punchline of the story had absolutely nothing to do with that.

  13. - Top - End - #163
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    Quote Originally Posted by Craft (Cheese) View Post
    I was sorely disappointed when the punchline of the story had absolutely nothing to do with that.
    Seconded. But I think it's still hilarious.


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  14. - Top - End - #164
    Firbolg in the Playground
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    Quote Originally Posted by nene490 View Post
    I'm in a guild of rangers and druids already... mind if I steal this idea?
    So long as you borrow the joke along with it, sure!
    ~~Courage is not the lack of fear~~
    Quote Originally Posted by gooddragon1 View Post
    If the party wizard can't survive a supersonic dragon made of iron at epic levels it's his own fault really.
    "In soviet dungeon, aboleth farms you!"

  15. - Top - End - #165
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    Reading a thread about rebalancing the Diplomacy skill reminded me of this one. A little background before we being: there was a fair amount of overlap between the various geek cliques at my school, and several of the D&D players are also anime fans of varying degrees of obsession. This will be relevant later.

    Our party:
    • a div-specced wizard (this player always plays the exact same build, and somehow never gets bored, whereas I get bored just playing WITH him)
    • Me, a fairly standard arrows-of-death ranger
    • A halfing kleptomaniac rogue (nothing unusual so far, the next two characters are the important ones for this story)
    • The most munchkin-esque member of our group is slowly being banned from the entire game, one class at a time, and is rolling as a bard this time around.
    • Our melee tank is a female player playing a male fighter, and trying her very best to prove that cross-gender roleplay doesn't work no matter who does it


    Our group was playing as the vary standard set of murder-hobos, going from city to city, killing monsters and taking their stuff, and the bard/"leader"/party-face was complaining that all his Diplomacy and synergy skill-points where going to waste. Our kill-everything, ask no questions model of business had worked so far, but we don't want him to get cranky and upset, so we agree to let him give it a go on the next intelligent creature we see, providing it's not undead or some other abomination of evil (talking down the BBEG instead of fighting tends to upset the DM, since once of us inevitably ends up sneak-attacking them at the first opportunity anyway).

    We've just left the small town we are using as our current base of operations, following the rumors to the local monsters-and-treasure outlet dungeon, and our DM asks us to make some listen checks. We fail miserably (an all-to common occurence, it seems), and he gets a wicked grin on his face. The DM makes a few rolls of his own, and his grin turns into a frown. A few "minutes" later, and our party walks around a bend in the trail to come face-to-face with a large party of orcs proceeding in the opposite direction. Everyone is too surprised momentarily to react (the orcs had apparently failed their listen checks as well, which was odd since our bard had been singing traditional dwarfish drinking songs while we hiked to keep moral up).

    The orcs outnumber us more than 4-to-1, are well equipped, and at least a few of their number look to be casters of some kind. If they have more than 2 PC levels apiece, it'll be a close fight at best, and an outright slaughter (of us) at worst.

    In our games, a fight significantly outside our challenge level usually indicates we've gone WAY off the rails, and are straying too far from the DM's prepped plot. It's hard to tell if this is the situation or not, since much of it comes down to what classes the orcs have, and that isn't something we can easily discern at a glance.

    Our wizard nudges the diplomancy-maxed bard forward. "Well, here's a your chance; see what they want".

    The bard checks his character sheet and winces. "I, uh, ...don't speak orcish."

    How do you like that? A dozen obscure languages, and he hadn't bothered to pick up orcish. It was one of those things that so many characters get as a bonus language that we are used to just having it available as standard practice, and no one in the party actually bothered to learn it. Like buying yourself a fancy new crossbow and leaving town without any bolts, or not stocking up on rope and 10-ft. poles. (guess how often both have happened? hint: it's more than once)

    Do the orcs speak common, maybe?
    No, they do not.

    Well how about giant, draconic, abyssal, sylvan, ignan, aquan, dwarven, goblin, or undercommon?
    Nope, none of those; looks like the orcs don't get out much.

    It would probably be a bad idea to try any dialect of elvish, right?
    Probably.


    The orcs are starting to look shifty, so our party fighter takes things into her own hands, without consulting the rest of us. (remember, this is a female player, male character; we'll call her "Sam" for simplicity) Sam strides purposefully forward, stopping just a few feet from the orcs, who draw back slightly in anticipation. The fighter draws "his" sword, slowwwwwwly, and holds it out in front of "him" before dropping it to the ground
    The orcs all glance at the weapon briefly, then back at the fighter.

    One other house-rule in our games: the DM is known to give circumstance bonuses for good roleplay, so Sam begins to describe in exquisite detail how "he" pulls off his surcoat and tunic, chainmail armor, and shirt, dropping them all the ground one by one. (IRL, Sam is still very obviously female)

    All the rest of us male players are pretty much listening in far-too stereotyplical rapt silence, except for the DM, who is bracing for another BAD attempt at seduction. Remember how I mentioned anime early on? The female player is a known yaoi (male-male romance) fan, and all the orcs are most definitely male. (hey, we TRY to roleplay; it's not our fault it it makes the DM die a little inside each time)

    In one motion, Sam rolls a d20 across the table and then stands up while declaring in a loud voice, "I make a DIPLOMACY CHECK! WHILE FLEXING!" She proceeds to strike her best muscle-beach pose, and attempts to looks all squinty-eyed and fierce.

    There is nothing but silence for a good 30 seconds. Sam glances at the dice, and with even with an ability penalty and no ranks, proudly announces she managed an 11.

    The silence thunders onward.
    The DM, having slightly more presence of mind than the rest of us, recovers first (somewhat).
    "The orcs, uh.... are too confused and surprised to react".
    (the DM is obviously scrambing to buy himself some time, while he figures this out)

    Sam scoops up the dice, and makes another roll, and takes a new pose. "I make a DIPLOMACY check, while FLEXING!" Sam's face turns red as she strains to looks as buff as a 90 pound girl can look "....14 that time!"

    The DM catches on first, with the wizard and myself following a moment later. Sam is attempting to roleplay a scene from a certain anime, which shall remain nameless. You know the one I'm talking about.

    The DM mutters under his breath "god help you if this doesn't stay PG" and proceeds to describe the orc's response.
    "The largest orc in the group pushes his way to the front, flings his greataxe to the ground, and peels off his leather armor. He makes an INTIMIDATE check...*sigh*....while flexing."
    *rolls, dice* "...15"

    Sam picks up the dice again "...while FLEXING! ....13!"
    (since normally we find new and interesting ways to fail at the unfailable, this is the longest string of double digit skill checks thus far in the game)

    DM: *rolls dice* ...9

    Sam: "WHILE FLEX-XING!"..."OMG! NATURAL 20!!!"

    DM: *puts his head in his hands* "I can't ****ing believe this.".
    Bard: "I can't believe she wasted a 20 like that!"
    DM: "Congratulations, you've made friends with the orcs."

    Sam: "WOOHOO! I win!....so do I get XP for that?"
    (hey, our group may be barely competent, but we know what's important)

    DM: *throws his hands up in the air* "Sure, you get all the damn XP you want"

    Sam: "Really?"

    DM: "No, you get 100 XP."


    The bard, who has been cowering in the back up until this point, eventually redeems himself somewhat by bartering with the orcs, trading some uncut gems we hadn't been able to spend for a selection of very useful potions.
    We part ways, waving goodbye to our new collection of orcish brothers-in-arms, and having learned a valuable lesson about not murdering every humanoid we come across just because they have different color skin, or tusks, or their entire race treats women like garbage.

    Two sessions and "three days" later, we return to the small mountain village, laden with treasure and new tales of derring-do and failed knowledge checks ("how was I supposed to know it was a rust monster and not a demon? I'll buy you a new silvered-sword with my share of the loot as soon as we get back to the city, I promise").


    In our absence, the village has been looted, pillaged, and mostly burned to the ground by the orcish raiding party we where supposed to fight.
    Last edited by Deepbluediver; 2012-08-28 at 08:31 AM.
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  16. - Top - End - #166
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    Antonok's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Deepbluediver View Post
    -snip-
    That was hilarious. Haven't laughed like that in a while.

    Also,you mind if I sig this:

    (hey, we TRY to roleplay; it's not our fault it it makes the DM die a little inside each time)
    It sums up about half my group rather nicely.
    Last edited by Antonok; 2012-08-27 at 01:37 PM.
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  17. - Top - End - #167
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    Quote Originally Posted by Deepbluediver View Post
    *snip*
    *starts reading*
    Please don't let it be that scene...
    ... sweet lord, it is THAT scene.
    *reads reads*



    Verdict: most amazing "battle" in recent roleplay history. And you can tell Sam she plays males well enough.
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  18. - Top - End - #168
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    Quote Originally Posted by Deepbluediver View Post
    In our absence, the village has been looted, pillaged, and mostly burned to the ground by the orcish raiding party we where supposed to fight.
    "We rebuild the village! WHILE FLEXING!"
    R.I.P.

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  19. - Top - End - #169
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    Quote Originally Posted by Deepbluediver View Post
    -snipped-

    Cool story bro!
    ..although I reckon those orcs should have beat the fail out of flexing man, and THEN stand on his broken body while flexing.
    Last edited by Doorhandle; 2012-09-08 at 04:22 AM.
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    PaladinGuy

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    My story is merely one of my players, Bulk Bogan Dwarven Druid of nature! His weapon of choice bear hands, not his fisticuffs no! He took the paws off a dead bear and made them into gloves so he can rip people apart with his bear hands!

    Last edited by sneakyranger; 2012-09-08 at 08:30 AM.
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  21. - Top - End - #171
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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by sneakyranger View Post
    My story is merely one of my players, Bulk Bogan Dwarven Druid of nature! His weapon of choice bear hands, not his fisticuffs no! He took the paws off a dead bear and made them into gloves so he can rip people apart with his bear hands!

    Does they also deal INT damage when someone in game gets the pun?
    Exalted avatar remix by Musashi
    Original Avatar by Strawberries
    Character is Kin from Goblins

  22. - Top - End - #172
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Doorhandle's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by sneakyranger View Post
    My story is merely one of my players, Bulk Bogan Dwarven Druid of nature! His weapon of choice bear hands, not his fisticuffs no! He took the paws off a dead bear and made them into gloves so he can rip people apart with his bear hands!

    The heavy approves of your choices in weponary, as do I.

    Have a deviantart!
    Can't write. Can't plan. Can draw a little.
    Quote Originally Posted by Craft (Cheese) View Post
    "In his free time, he gates in Balors just so he can kill and eat them later!"

  23. - Top - End - #173
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Griffon

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    Mar 2012

    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    My group was clearing out a settlement of drow for some friends. They had taken a few days to recuperate after nearly dying against a drow priestess, and the drow had taken advantage of this time to flee out the backdoor, leaving lots of nasty traps in their wake.
    One 20 ft x 30ft room contained four burning hands traps, a pit trap (20 ft deep), and Explosive runes written in large letters on the floor. The group set off the Explosive Runes as soon as they entered the room, so the rest of the group retreated and the Rogue moved forward to disable the rest of the traps, with the Ninja assisting.
    The first two Burning Hands traps were disabled easily, but on the third trap the rogue rolled 15 total, setting off a gout of flame. He avoided it completely (yay Evasion!) but the Catfolk ninja was roasted. Here's what the rest of the group saw and heard:

    *gout of flame*
    Rogue: Yes! missed me!
    *roasts marshmallows on flames, turns to Ninja*
    want a marshmallow?
    *slap* (max damage on unarmed strike)
    Rogue: Ow...

    This exchange caused the assassin to call out, asking if everything was all right. The rogue proceeded to fail his Disable Device check again, and the gout of flame knocked the Ninja unconcious.

    Assassin: Is everything okay in there?
    *gout of flame*
    *rogue appears, dragging unconscious ninja*
    Assassin: ...I guess not.

  24. - Top - End - #174
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Dimers's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    So your party was a rogue, an assassin and a ninja? Let me guess, you had a cleric of Olidamarra too, and your arcanist was an illusionist with the Shadow Shaper ACF who had a black cat familiar? Or maybe a psion who exclusively used camouflage, cloud mind and control light?

    I'll tell ya, most groups are too Leeroy Jenkins to pull it off, but I would be seriously terrified of a party where every member was stealthy.
    Avatar by Meltheim: Eveve, dwarven battlemind, 4e Dark Sun

  25. - Top - End - #175
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Griffon

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    Mar 2012

    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    I'm DMing for this group, and the final member of the "regulars" so far is an Illusion-specialist wizard. They've recently picked up a cleric of St. Cuthbert for tanking/band-aids, since none of them can really take the front lines in a fight. She is Lawful Good; the rest are Chaotic Neutral. Things might just get interesting.

  26. - Top - End - #176
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    ClericGirl

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    confused Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    It's not really all that funny to me, but once when I was role-playing with my boyfriend and our group I died in a most disturbing way.

    Setting: Tamriel's infamous Black Marshes

    We were half way through a campaign that had a doomsday "someone is creating an army of dragons... undead dragons." plot. Funny thing is, the DM had allowed me to be a dragon masquerading as a half-elf cleric (in the beginning of the game I was hit with a baleful polymorph spell) with normal player character stats. It was a rather high powered campaign... what with both good and evil undead dragons running around and all... (good ones were being forced).
    Surrounded by a hord of skellies and stone golems, I'm captured by a lich cleric and a vampire fighter/soldier. Stabbing me with a poison dagger, the DM lowered my dexterity and constitution I believe, they dragged me into a circle where the lich cast a barrier spell. I think the basis of the spell was a "trap soul" kinda thing. and Lo and behold! My party arrives just then! And battle the vampire brother who is outside of the circle.


    boyfriend: I cast my wand of black tentacles at the lich.
    DM: You idiot! do you remember the area of effect for that spell?
    boyfriend: She's not that close is she?
    Me: O.O
    DM: She's right next to the lich...
    bf: *turns to me* well ehehe... sorryyyy...
    Me: What did you dooo??? Q.Q

    I had to make 6 fortitude saves in a row in order to survive. I made the first 4, failed the 5th and the damage from the 6th round killed me. I'm not sure how becoming a dracolich worked (and because the DM was trying out a different method of creating Dracolichs from good dragons), but since I died while in the circle my soul was transferred to the host object; a little black gem.

    So my boyfriend killed me and turned me into a dracolich... now THAT is love people... imagine the look on his face when he found out I was a dragon PC?

    Our next campaign should be fun though. More of a plane-touched campaign. I'm an Aasimar and he's a tiefling. <3

  27. - Top - End - #177
    Orc in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Jul 2010

    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Our recent pathfinder session had a pretty funny moment in it, of which my character was the cause.
    Our group was in the Tien area, going though the second part of the "Quest for Perfection" series. Basically, we were sent to pick up some special incense from one of the tribes, then transport this special braid to the descendant of the only person who could use it. Eventually, we come to this one check point, guarded by members of this nation that we know want to steal the braid. So our most diplomatic member, the halfling rogue (who was supposed to be a pirate) is trying to talk them out of boarding us.
    Now, my character is a Half-Elf Fighter (Xi Huan) with a vary short temper (if anyone knows Kamen Rider Den-O, he resembles Momotarus), and he was given a mission by the leader of the Lantern Lodge to find out what this nation is up to and why they want the braid. Upon noticing that the guy standing on the docks is some kind of bureaucrat, the following ensues:

    Bureaucrat (B): Allow us to board!
    Halfling (H): Why do you need to?
    B: So we can assess the value of your cargo and tax you accordingly
    Xi Huan (me): ASSESS THIS YOU MAGGOT! *leaps off ship onto dock, passes B, and strikes one of his two bodyguards with his temple sword*
    Rest of Group:
    DM: B is so shocked at what just happened that he just blinks for a second, roll initiative.
    Xi Huan: I warn you: from start to finish, I'M AT A CLIMAX!

    the battle goes on, we drop the guards and incapacitate B with the hideous laughter spell to keep him from running away. At this point, our seoceress (Felicity) wants to charm the information out of him. My guy wouldn't have it.

    Me: I grab the guy's collar and lift him close to my face.
    DM: he stares at you.
    Xi Huan: TELL US EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT THE BRAID OF A THOUSAND MASTERS!!!! *shakes B like a rag doll* *Rolls intimidate*
    DM: he is so scared he tells you everything.

    In the end, we left B on the shore, tied to a tree, stripped of everything but his loincloth.
    Man I love this character.
    If there is anything I learned from D&D, it is to never bull rush a Gelatenous Cube.

    Project Loreshift, game development in Progress

    Races of Wake

    Wake Human subspecies

    Anyone who reads this has just lost "the Game".

  28. - Top - End - #178
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Griffon

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    Mar 2012

    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Same group as before--The Assassin, the Ninja, the Rogue, the Wizard, and the Cleric. The group had been hired to "test the defenses" of a nobleman (basically, they were legally allowed to steal from him). I have a few stories from this session.

    Just to clarify, these are all seventh-level characters.

    The Super-Servant
    Spoiler
    Show
    For their first try at infiltrating the nobleman's house, the group decided to send one of their people in as a servant, knocking out an actual servant and stealing her clothes. Naturally, the Rogue and the Assassin elected to go and do the "knocking out the servant" part.
    I let them find a servant about the same height and build as the Wizard (who would be doing the impersonating). The servant (a level 1 Commoner) headed out of the mansion at midday and went to buy foodstuffs, emerging from the store laden with heavy bags. It was at this moment that the Assassin made her move.
    Going up to the servant, she asked to help her carry her bags, rolling a bluff check in an attempt to put on the "woebegone urchin" persona (the Assassin is an anthropomorphic fox, and the player often stresses how cute her character is). She rolls a 16. The Servant rolls a natural 18 and politely refuses, picking up her pace to get away from this strange furry creature.
    The rogue, deciding on the more direct approach, waits to waylay the poor servant at a bend in an alley. He jumps in with a trip attempt. 16. The human commoner rolls. 17.
    Having won the roll, the human commoner immediately tries to trip the Rogue. He fails his check and falls prone, but manages to bluff her into thinking he just bumped into her.
    She helps him up, apologizing, and he decides to take a swing at her, hoping to drop her with nonlethal damage and get this over with. At the same time as he attacks, the Assassin catches up to the Servant and decides to bull-rush her, hoping to tackle her to the ground. The Assassin rolls her bull-rush attempt. Natural 1.
    We play with critical fails at my table, so I ruled that the Assassin actually tripped and pushed the Servant out of the way, getting punched by the Rogue herself instead. The Servant freaks out and runs back to the mansion, leaving the Rogue and the Assassin staring after her in bewilderment.
    Throughout this whole exchange, the Servant never dropped a single bag.


    Deadly Hello
    Spoiler
    Show
    The group manages to get into the nobleman's house by more "conventional" means (Airwalking over the outer wall and Stone Shaping through the house walls), and interrupt an actual burglary, capturing the would-be-thief and still getting away with the treasure they were instructed to steal. They make their way to the nobleman's study, where they were supposed to meet him and return the treasure. Finding no one in the study, they decide to surprise the elderly nobleman by hiding in the study and waiting for him to return.
    The nobleman comes into the study after a few minutes, looking haggard and tired. The Rogue waits until the man's back is to him and taps on his shoulder, coughing.
    Now, I had already described the nobleman as an older, overweight man, and there had been hints that he had been feeling ill for quite a while. So when this tired, sickly old man was tapped on the shoulder, I ruled that he grabbed his left arm, made a choking noise, and fell to the floor.
    The Cleric rushed in and managed to stabilize him immediately, cuffing the rogue hard on the back of the head and cursing at him in Elvish. The Rogue is flipping out, and the rest of the group are staring in horror, when a knock comes at the door. The Nobleman's son was there, making sure his father was feeling okay. He entered the study and went very quiet. The Cleric quickly explained what had happened.
    The Nobleman's son is a middling-level wizard, so he could have destroyed the Rogue with a flick of his wrist and a word. Instead, he walked right up to the Rogue and decked him full in the face, knocking him unconscious.


    TL;DR: The story of how the Rogue and Assassin failed miserably against a level 1 Commoner, followed by how the Rogue nearly killed their employer and was punched out by a wizard.

  29. - Top - End - #179
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    MonkGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    So this story took place in a homebrewed d6 system of our GM's design. There was a party full of characters, but the important characters for this story are:

    Fubear, a huge grizzly man who rages and turns into a bear (my character)
    Nieve, a rogue who will take anything that isn't bolted down
    Solaren, the epic-leveled BBEG

    So Fubear's main schtick was that his alignment was "Hungry-Neutral". He was always hungry and making decisions based on his stomach. One day, while Fubear was occupied eating, Nieve decided it would be a good idea to steal his Platter of Infinitely Replenishing Food. Nieve failed her steal roll, and Fubear crit his perception. Being at least twice Nieve's size, Fubear turned around and punted her. Fubear double-crit on his attack roll*, and Nieve again failed her roll, this time to dodge. It seemed this attack was going to do a number on her...

    But when Fubear's foot should have connected with Nieve, a blue forcefield sprang up protecting her stomach, blocking the blow but sending Fubear and Nieve flying into the sky. This is how the party found out Nieve's secret that she was pregnant with Solaren's baby.


    *In this homebrewed system, one of your d6s is considered your "crit die". If you roll a 6 on it, you roll again and add it to the total, and keep doing so until you don't roll a 6.

  30. - Top - End - #180
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    MonkGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by ZeroGear View Post
    Man I love this character.
    Playing a completely bullheaded character is always a blast, if sometimes short-lived

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