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  1. - Top - End - #181
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Griffon

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    Quote Originally Posted by Zelphas View Post
    The story of how the Rogue and Assassin failed miserably against a level 1 Commoner
    Did the commoner level up from that? ^_^

  2. - Top - End - #182
    Orc in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Frog of War View Post
    Playing a completely bullheaded character is always a blast, if sometimes short-lived
    Oh, don't worry. If this one dies, I plan on making an Orc Gunslinger who always yells "Daka!" when he shoots something. I intend to make that one dumb as a sack of rocks, but lovable nonetheless. I think I shall name him "Bong".
    If there is anything I learned from D&D, it is to never bull rush a Gelatenous Cube.

    Project Loreshift, game development in Progress

    Races of Wake

    Wake Human subspecies

    Anyone who reads this has just lost "the Game".

  3. - Top - End - #183
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Griffon

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    Did the commoner level up from that? ^_^
    You know, turbo164, I think she did. She was so terrified from the weird people who were stalking her that she ran off to a monastery for protection, training in the ways of the monks (nuns?) while there. (I know monks are pretty underpowered, but succeeding on a Sense Motive Check against a PC and tripping another... it just seems appropriate).
    I think I have to give her a name now...

  4. - Top - End - #184
    Orc in the Playground
     
    NinjaGuy

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    Me - DM
    Thrall - Male Dwarf Fighter/Soldier who has a hangover.
    Quarian - Male High Elf Cleric of War, who woke up next to Thrall and the Rogue with a sheep between them.
    Lia - Female High Elf Wizard, wilderness guide and book smart.(New to the Game)
    Scruffnut - Male Halfling Rogue, hires prostitutes and sets fire to random objects. Last thing he did was buy a prostitute for a Kobold.

    Overview:
    The players have been hired to kill an fallen cleric who has decided to hide in the Catacombs under her ex-church. All but Scruffnut decide to go through the main entrance while he takes a round about way through the tunnels used by the thieves guild in the town.

    Entering the Tomb:
    Upon entering the catacombs a little ways ahead of the others Scruffnut sees a coffin on a stone slab in the middle of the room and it is moving.

    Scruffnut: I pour Alchemist's Fire on it.
    Me: Okay, the coffin opens up and a familiar looking kobold and half naked woman pop out of it, both on fire.
    Scruffnut(After putting them out): What were you doing in there?
    Kobold: Hey, I don't tell you how to use your hookers when you're given one by a complete stranger.

    The Holy Water:

    Me: Upon entering the room you notice a small pool of water in it's center. There seems to be something moving underwater
    Lia: I roll to figure out what its for.
    Quarian: Same.
    Yarl: I pee in it.
    Scruffnut: What?
    Me: Really?
    Yarl: Why not?
    Me: Okay. Lia and Quarian you know this is a ceremonial baptismal pool to sanctify the bodies before entombment.
    Lia: Oh... crap.
    Yarl: Its alright.

    Me: Yarl a giant rat surfaces and tries to bite you.
    Yarl: I cover my crotch. While stabbing it.*Rolls Crit*
    Me: Okay, there is a dead giant rat floating in the holy water, its blood turning the water red.
    Scruffnut: Orange.
    Me: What?
    Scruffnut: If he pissed in it, then the water should be yellow. Adding red makes orange.
    Me: Man he must of peed a lot.
    Yarl: What can I say? I have a large bladder.

    Best Part of the Night:
    Me: You see in the water a R.O.U.S. swimming.
    Lia: Whats that?
    Scruffnut, Quarian: Rodent of Unusual Size.
    Lia: Wait a minute... did we master the fire swamp yet?
    Haggis is Sheep's stomach filled with its intestines.

  5. - Top - End - #185
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    MonkGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by ZeroGear View Post
    Oh, don't worry. If this one dies, I plan on making an Orc Gunslinger who always yells "Daka!" when he shoots something. I intend to make that one dumb as a sack of rocks, but lovable nonetheless. I think I shall name him "Bong".
    Gunslinger eh? You know he'll be referred to by bards throughout the land as "The Smoking Bong".

  6. - Top - End - #186
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Doorhandle's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Frog of War View Post
    Gunslinger eh? You know he'll be referred to by bards throughout the land as "The Smoking Bong".
    I have a sneaking suspicion he planned that.
    Have a deviantart!

    1
    And a Pbp: Going to hell and loving it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Craft (Cheese) View Post
    "In his free time, he gates in Balors just so he can kill and eat them later!"

  7. - Top - End - #187
    Orc in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Doorhandle View Post
    I have a sneaking suspicion he planned that.
    Surprisingly, i actually missed that one.
    If there is anything I learned from D&D, it is to never bull rush a Gelatenous Cube.

    Project Loreshift, game development in Progress

    Races of Wake

    Wake Human subspecies

    Anyone who reads this has just lost "the Game".

  8. - Top - End - #188
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    The Curt Jester's Avatar

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    Characters:

    Scout (me)
    Rogue
    Fighter
    Sorcerer
    Ranger
    Druid


    Our party had just entered a city when some thieves pickpocketed valuables from the fighter, but they didn't do so unnoticed. Unfortunately, they had a bit of a head start, so the party had to chase them through the streets and alleys. In order to head off the thieves, the party split and went down separate streets. The scout, being the fastest, managed to make the three thieves split up. Eventually, the chase led into a main road where one of the thieves fooled the crowd into thinking there was a healer giving free blessings. A massive stampede started, and they got away on the opposite side of the crowd.

    The party was split at this time. The ranger, fighter, and sorcerer had caught one of the thieves. The rogue and scout were after the other two. The druid was lagging behind. Because of the separation, the party members couldn't see everyone and didn't (in character) know where the others were. Well, the rogue and fighter managed to squeeze through the crowd and chased after the thieves. The druid and sorcerer stayed back. The ranger tried to plow his way through and got knocked over. My character, the scout, decided it wasn't worth trying to fight the crowd, so he got the brilliant idea of deterring the crowd from moving in one direction by tossing a bag full of caltrops into the teeming masses. Unfortunately, they landed right where the ranger (who he couldn't see) was, causing a massive pileup and sending the ranger into negative hit points.

    Scout: *Tosses caltrops into the crowd.*
    DM: (Incredulously) Are you sure you want to do that?

    Needless to say, yes, the scout was determined. Plus, he was rather irritated at the foolish people in the crowd actually believing some cleric would be giving free blessings in a place known for greed. He wanted to hurt them a little, too.

    So, in went the caltrops, and landed right on top of the fallen ranger (who wasn't visible in the crowd). The result was a massive pileup of newly-lame commoners who fell on top of the ranger. Trample damage sent him into negative hit points. Fortunately for him, the scout was nice enough to loan a potion to the poor guy.

    The whole group was literally laughing out loud during the whole episode. Even the guy playing the ranger was having a good time with it. In the end, I got extra XP for being the comedy act of the night.

    I should mention that such callous acts by the party aren't unexpected entirely. They are, for the most part, evil and they certainly aren't working together because they like or respect each other. In general there seems to be an air of "me first" and the desire to get ahead of the others. Cooperation happens, but almost grudgingly, and mainly because they know that they need the others in battle or for various situations. I'm sure the party will get me back in due time. Fun times!
    Administrator of the DnD gaming server, Sea of Dragons: Moonsea - a Persistent World set in the Forgotten Realms that uses the Neverwinter Nights 2 game.

    See what the server has to offer without leaving these boards! Sea of Dragons on OOTS Forum

  9. - Top - End - #189
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    SwashbucklerGuy

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    I've been playing Paizo's Shackled City campaign, updated for Pathfinder rules. Our group is intensely paranoid, and usually waxes ludicrously wrathful if we catch anyone lying to us, frequently killing the liar; something the DM has complained about more than once.

    In the course of the campaign we're charged by an angel to take over a layer of the Abyss that has been abandoned by its master who actually left a means whereby anyone who completed some trials could rule the layer. Immediately after we get this quest, we encounter a fiendish guy named Carufaun (don't actually know how it's spelled) who so happens to have the sign the Angel instructed us to follow, along with a sob story of how he's seeking redemption, and a few details as to what to expect.

    After the group explores the layer of the Abyss and completes some of the trials, we catch Carufaun in a lie. Taking the DM's previous complaints of our viciousness to heart, we merely beat the stuffing out of him and bind him in our portable hole with a bottle of air until we can finish the trials. While we congratulate ourselves on demonstrating mercy, the DM is holding his face in both palms.

    Sometime after we completed that adventure, he divulged that if we had brought him with us to the final trial, he would have betrayed us; but if we had killed him, he would come back at the final trial as a more powerful ghost. Poor DM lost the chance to give us some comeuppance for our prior zero-tolerance stance

  10. - Top - End - #190
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Dimers's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by JohnnyCancer View Post
    Poor DM lost the chance to give us some comeuppance for our prior zero-tolerance stance
    Awww, so sad. Poor guy has to settle for teaching an entire group a new way of play directly in accordance with his own values.
    Avatar by Meltheim: Eveve, dwarven battlemind, 4e Dark Sun

  11. - Top - End - #191
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    MonkGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dimers View Post
    Awww, so sad. Poor guy has to settle for teaching an entire group a new way of play directly in accordance with his own values.
    Well, what were the characters' alignments? If the party or most of it were good-aligned, then I can see the GM's frustration here... I'm assuming the party must have been pretty neutral on the good/evil axis? Anyways, funny as hell though!

  12. - Top - End - #192
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    Morithias's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by turbo164 View Post
    Did the commoner level up from that? ^_^
    There was one insane story where a commoner jumped a ton of levels.

    Okay, our group usually house rules that if you are badass enough to kill something that's high enough level you CAN jump more than 1 level at a time (this is often cause we don't give xp after every encounter, but rather the whole adventure).

    One time my friends told me a story (I wasn't actually there), of an epic campaign where they got into a bar fight in a small village.

    A drunk level one commoner snuck up behind the Level 28 or so Astral Deva and swung a beer bottle at him.

    Now in this campaign they were experimenting with the "triple 20 = instant kill" rule.

    20...20....20.

    Level 1 commoner, level 28 astral deva, beer bottle.

    Dead Deva.

    They decided this proved the rule was stupid and overruled it, but to this day I have to wonder how many levels that commoner would've gained from that attack.

  13. - Top - End - #193
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    SwashbucklerGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dimers View Post
    Awww, so sad. Poor guy has to settle for teaching an entire group a new way of play directly in accordance with his own values.
    We'll see if it sticks! I think he was really hoping to nail us with that ghost though.

    Quote Originally Posted by Frog of War View Post
    Well, what were the characters' alignments? If the party or most of it were good-aligned, then I can see the GM's frustration here... I'm assuming the party must have been pretty neutral on the good/evil axis? Anyways, funny as hell though!
    5 out of 6 party members are neutral on the good/evil axis, with one token good party member. He's become addicted to a magical elixir that raises his strength but lowers his wisdom, so we frequently do things underneath his radar; we just as frequently humor his desire to do the righteous and heroic thing though

  14. - Top - End - #194
    Orc in the Playground
     
    tbok1992's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Zelphas View Post
    You know, turbo164, I think she did. She was so terrified from the weird people who were stalking her that she ran off to a monastery for protection, training in the ways of the monks (nuns?) while there. (I know monks are pretty underpowered, but succeeding on a Sense Motive Check against a PC and tripping another... it just seems appropriate).
    I think I have to give her a name now...
    If she doesn't become a recurring character, I will be sad.

  15. - Top - End - #195
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    hex0's Avatar

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    So here's my bit. 3.X Forgotten Realms

    Party:
    Me, CN Rogue/Wizard/Techsmith Gnome, Geyser Screwloose
    (can't remember other PC names)
    Aasimar Paladin of Tyr
    Neutral Drow Ranger (who has a hat of disguise to appear as a non-drow elf most of the time)
    NG Human Druid

    Spoiler
    Show
    So we were staying in a mid-sized town in the Dales. The Druid and Ranger were out scouting, and I was sleeping in at the inn after passing out from a long night of R&D and whiskey. The Paladin got up early to heal the sick and help the poor, per usual.

    The DM had me roll spot and listen (which I had a penalty on each)...then a fortitude save...then told me I died from smoke inhalation or something. Everyone was like "wut?". I pointed out that A, my familiar was most likely awake; B, I have a good sense of smell as a Gnome. So instead I woke up when I smelled smoke and my room was on fire hardcore. I quickly grabbed my familiar and my workbox/spellbook and jumped out the 2nd story window. Thanks to evasion and good tumble/jump checks, I made it out alive.

    The early afternoon market was panicking at the fire and the singed Gnome rolling around on the ground. The Paladin was alerted to the fire and rode his mount to the scene.

    Paladin: Geyser, are you alright, my boy?
    Me: Uhh...first off, I am older than you. Second, I WOKE UP ON FIRE!
    Paladin: I see that. But, we have people to rescue! Do you have your gear and spells.
    Me: Let's see, waking up on fire tends to prevent me from preparing my spells. *looks over my stuff* ...Oh, Gond.
    Paladin: What?
    Me: MY POWDERHORN! I LEFT IF ON THE NIGHTSTAND!
    DM: A massive explosion erupts from the burning inn, scattering glass and wood at you. Reflex saves please. (I succeed, the Paladin and his mount fail miserably.)

    The Druid and Ranger start making their way back after spotting smoke rising from the town. By now, the inn is basically a lost cause. So the town guard captain shows up and is eyeing me.

    Captain: Did you have anything to do with this?
    Me: Not really.
    Captain: Excuse me!?
    Paladin: Sir, he left his explosives in the inn by mistake.
    Me: *facepalm*
    Captain: You burnt down the inn!? You better come with me.
    Paladin: Sir, I mispoke. He...
    ME: I woke up. On fire.
    Captain: We need to find out the truth, and I do not trust you. Some strange foreigner shows up and the inn explodes? Now, come with me.
    Me: I'm having a downer of a day, sir. And I don't have to go anywhere, but up!

    *sleight of hand to pull my scroll of Spider Climb out from under the lining of my bowler hat. Cast it, and run up the nearby tall building.*

    It turns out some evil wizard summoned a fire elemental, blah blah blah. I got a lot of bonus XP for admitting I forgot my powderkeg and staying in character.

  16. - Top - End - #196
    Orc in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by hex0 View Post
    So here's my bit. 3.X Forgotten Realms

    Party:
    Me, CN Rogue/Wizard/Techsmith Gnome, Geyser Screwloose
    (can't remember other PC names)
    Aasimar Paladin of Tyr
    Neutral Drow Ranger (who has a hat of disguise to appear as a non-drow elf most of the time)
    NG Human Druid

    Spoiler
    Show
    So we were staying in a mid-sized town in the Dales. The Druid and Ranger were out scouting, and I was sleeping in at the inn after passing out from a long night of R&D and whiskey. The Paladin got up early to heal the sick and help the poor, per usual.

    The DM had me roll spot and listen (which I had a penalty on each)...then a fortitude save...then told me I died from smoke inhalation or something. Everyone was like "wut?". I pointed out that A, my familiar was most likely awake; B, I have a good sense of smell as a Gnome. So instead I woke up when I smelled smoke and my room was on fire hardcore. I quickly grabbed my familiar and my workbox/spellbook and jumped out the 2nd story window. Thanks to evasion and good tumble/jump checks, I made it out alive.

    The early afternoon market was panicking at the fire and the singed Gnome rolling around on the ground. The Paladin was alerted to the fire and rode his mount to the scene.

    Paladin: Geyser, are you alright, my boy?
    Me: Uhh...first off, I am older than you. Second, I WOKE UP ON FIRE!
    Paladin: I see that. But, we have people to rescue! Do you have your gear and spells.
    Me: Let's see, waking up on fire tends to prevent me from preparing my spells. *looks over my stuff* ...Oh, Gond.
    Paladin: What?
    Me: MY POWDERHORN! I LEFT IF ON THE NIGHTSTAND!
    DM: A massive explosion erupts from the burning inn, scattering glass and wood at you. Reflex saves please. (I succeed, the Paladin and his mount fail miserably.)

    The Druid and Ranger start making their way back after spotting smoke rising from the town. By now, the inn is basically a lost cause. So the town guard captain shows up and is eyeing me.

    Captain: Did you have anything to do with this?
    Me: Not really.
    Captain: Excuse me!?
    Paladin: Sir, he left his explosives in the inn by mistake.
    Me: *facepalm*
    Captain: You burnt down the inn!? You better come with me.
    Paladin: Sir, I mispoke. He...
    ME: I woke up. On fire.
    Captain: We need to find out the truth, and I do not trust you. Some strange foreigner shows up and the inn explodes? Now, come with me.
    Me: I'm having a downer of a day, sir. And I don't have to go anywhere, but up!

    *sleight of hand to pull my scroll of Spider Climb out from under the lining of my bowler hat. Cast it, and run up the nearby tall building.*

    It turns out some evil wizard summoned a fire elemental, blah blah blah. I got a lot of bonus XP for admitting I forgot my powderkeg and staying in character.
    Ok, that is an awesome story. when you said "up", I has half expecting you to pull a ripcord and fly away with sone kind of propeller.
    But now you have me wondering: when you chose the name "Geyser Screwloose", were you A) intending to be a mad scientist/inventor and B) naming him after "Gyro Gearloose" form DuckTales?
    If there is anything I learned from D&D, it is to never bull rush a Gelatenous Cube.

    Project Loreshift, game development in Progress

    Races of Wake

    Wake Human subspecies

    Anyone who reads this has just lost "the Game".

  17. - Top - End - #197
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    hex0's Avatar

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    Yes, to both A and B! You caught me...

    But, yes, one of my favorite characters.

  18. - Top - End - #198
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    Kobold

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    Our party was investigating cult activity, and the party was my Human Brawler Fighter, a more-or-less completely dex-based Githzerai slayer, an Eladrin Warlord, and a Half-Elf Druid. The Githzerai slayer was the stealthy one of the party, so he went ahead to scout, but botched his stealth check. As a result, we got thrown into a fight with several cultists. As a result of poor rolls, and some tactical blunders, we got to the point, where everyone but the Slayer went down, and he was in no shape to get out of that fight without some serious good luck, and a lot of us were getting close to dying, he decided to surrender.

    Now, the DM had not planned for this, at all. The fight was not supposed to be as difficult as it turned out to be, so he decided to just throw us in the cult's dungeons. One of us, I think the druid, mused aloud on why they didn't just kill us, and the DM piped up "Your punishment will be far greater" in the Tom Hardy Bane voice. And out stepped a masked High Priest of Bane. "When Wintergate [the city we had just been sent from] is in ashes, then you have my permission to die." According to the DM, when we asked him after the session, it was supposed to be a cult to Asmodeus, but he couldn't pass up the opportunity.
    Last edited by KobaldMinion#32; 2012-09-21 at 03:47 PM.

  19. - Top - End - #199
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    SwashbucklerGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by KobaldMinion#32 View Post
    Snip
    Timely AND funny!

  20. - Top - End - #200
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    MonkGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by hex0 View Post
    Snip
    "You die from smoke inhalation." I feel that's a DM going a bit overboard. You don't just die from failing a single fort save and inhaling smoke. You suffocate, and there are rules for that. Also, spot and listen seem like funny things to have to roll to wake up in the middle of a fire. It's a good thing you argued him out of it.

  21. - Top - End - #201
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    Beholder

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    Myself and three friends recently started up an evil campaign. there was a fifth member, but he decided to leave.

    The party:
    (Blazimun) Fang McTavish: Shifter paladin, loves eating pieces of dead things.
    (me) "Red" Hugar Donnigal: Dragonborn barbarian, banished from his homeland for breaking things
    (no user name, will be refered to as "D") Amor Nef: Elven warlock, along for the ride.

    DM: Benzer95. Horribly confused by all this.

    Backstory
    So, recently we were employed by a local lord to find out what had been stopping trade. On our way to Arramore, we were attacked by bandits, and found a note saying the keep at old Ashton (where we had come from) was being attacked. Wanting to take advantage of this to loot the keep, we return. This starts outside the keep.

    story

    DM: As you approach the keep, you notice several broken windows, and the door is slightly ajar.
    Red: I break it down!
    Fang: NO!
    Red: Awww.
    Fang: We go in, but very carefully.

    DM: Inside you see two dead guards, with three mercenaries standing over them.
    Red: I take a carpet!
    Fang, DM: No!

    What followed was a long tirade of Blazimun failing at diplomacy with the mercs. here are the funny bits.

    Fang: No, we were attacked by the bandits!
    Merc: Oh!, sorry they were supposed to attack the lads from the ship.
    Fang: WE WERE THE ONES FROM THE SHIP!
    Me, to D: And I'm the the one with rage abilities.
    Me: I want to roll intimidate
    Blazimun: No! I want to do this diplomatically!

    Fang: So who is in charge?
    Merc: I can't tell you but he may or may not be upstairs.
    Fang: *rolls diplomacy* Take us to your leader *rolls five +2 diplomacy skill*
    Merc: No! Men, have at them.
    Red: *rolls intimidate* You should really take us to your leader, before I get... violent. *rolls 18 +11 intimidate skill(no I didn't spec for that. I'm level 2)*
    Merc: *poops himself* AAH AAH AHH YE YE YES SIR RIGHT THIS WAY SIR!
    Fang: Well that was easy.
    Me and D *Facepalm*

    Fang: Your leader teleported
    DM: They draw their swords and grin at you
    Red: *intimidate* DROP THEM, NOW *27 total*
    Mercs: AHHHH!

    Red: I want to take a carpet.
    Fang, DM: No!
    Red: But I want it!
    DM: Its lead lined and weighs 400 lbs
    Red: Fine, I take a curtain.
    DM: It's floral.
    Fang: And luminous pink.
    Red: I take it and fashion a cloak out of it!
    Benzer, Blazimun: *facepalm*
    D: BWAHAHAHA!
    Last edited by Cpl.Punishment; 2012-09-23 at 07:50 AM.

  22. - Top - End - #202
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Craft (Cheese)'s Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by JohnnyCancer View Post
    Sometime after we completed that adventure, he divulged that if we had brought him with us to the final trial, he would have betrayed us; but if we had killed him, he would come back at the final trial as a more powerful ghost. Poor DM lost the chance to give us some comeuppance for our prior zero-tolerance stance
    Obviously the solution was to have the demon lord come back and say "Why did you stuff one of my favorite minions into a portable hole? Time to die!"

  23. - Top - End - #203
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    SwashbucklerGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Craft (Cheese) View Post
    Obviously the solution was to have the demon lord come back and say "Why did you stuff one of my favorite minions into a portable hole? Time to die!"
    The demon lord (who we discovered is a fallen angel) is mysteriously AWOL, it's probably a major plot point. The Shackled City is fun, but the plot is terribly vague from the player perspective. Only now in what I think is Chapter 7 are we starting to get any real inkling of what's happening.

    In continuing campaign hilarity, we encountered a Necromancer while seeking out the Soul Pillars of Kuran Kural (again, don't know if that's spelled right). He was the chatty type who liked to pour on the metamagic, hitting a good portion of our party with both a quickened lightning bolt and an empowered lightning bolt. After our Barbarian/Rogue tore through his mirror images in a single round of dual-wielding action; the Necromancer decided to Dominate him. Unfortunately for the Necromancer, my own Necromancer was able to cast suffocate, which left him too breathless to issue commands. He didn't survive past the following round.
    Last edited by JohnnyCancer; 2012-09-25 at 03:35 AM.

  24. - Top - End - #204
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    BarbarianGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Played in a competitve 4e "4thCore"-esque game at a convention. had to beat it and find cure in 4 hours or we die.
    I played in Tomb of the Iron Lich year before, and this was essentially a leveled down version of it, with a insane gnome necromancer and "frankenstein" as the end boss.

    Party is as follows:
    Me: Ashar, Earth Genasi fighter, MC monk master of the fist (based off Armstrong FMA)
    Mark: Clark the Clerk, hengeyokai Cleric|Warlord (lazy heal-ic)
    Jason: (forget name), elf Mage illusionist/evocationist
    Jason's GF: (forget name), elf Scout (ranger)
    Jon: Krusk, half-orc slayer (Hulk with a greataxe)

    Some of the most funny moments/quotes from the game:

    i grapplehooked a statue across a chasm and hands were full, we need to tie the end off so i can cross too without doing a George of the jungle, but its not long enough to reach a column. allies decide to add more rope.
    Jason: "Im a wizard, i dont dirty my hands with physical effort. You do it Clark"
    Mark/Clark: "IM A BIRD! I DON'T HAVE HANDS!"


    trying to find a way to open a hidden passage, we notice the chandelier isn't centered
    DM: Okay, you are BOTH swinging on the chandelier now. Its not opening. Try something else.
    me: *rolls perception* 27?
    DM: Maybe try that -extra- chain hanging beside the chandeliers chain?
    party: ooooohhhhh......

    fighting the final boss, all happening to my character:
    DM: the wizard throws a potion vial at you, it smashes open on your shoulder and...*roll*...an angry kobold pops out and chews your ear off
    --
    DM: the gnome throws another potion at you *roll* ...you drop your weapons, they animate as little robots that attack you
    me: i dont carry weapons.. unarmed fist remeber?
    Dm: hmm *looks at module* okay, your fists are now buzzsaws, +1d6 melee
    party: AWESOME!
    Last edited by JackOfAllBuilds; 2012-09-25 at 04:23 AM.
    Dwarven Prayer:
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    Our Lager, Which art in barrels,
    Hallowed be thy drink.
    Thy will be drunk
    I will be drunk,
    At home as in the tavern.
    Give us this day our foamy head,
    And forgive us our spillages
    As we forgive those that spill against us.
    And lead us not into incarceration,
    But deliver us from hang-overs.
    For thine is the beer,
    The bitter and the lager.
    Forever and ever,
    Barmen!

    Current Games:

  25. - Top - End - #205
    Orc in the Playground
     
    newBlazingAngel's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    I introduced two new people to roleplaying with the star war RP. Not the 4d6 version, or the saga edition, but the original d20 version. Wordlessly and unanimously, they both decided to be murder hobos.

    The cast:

    Me- The DM. I'm running the basic adventure that comes with the rulebook.

    Jedi Wookie- A youth pastor who is oddly psychotic when he roleplays.

    Human Scoundrel- A seasoned nerd who had taught me to play magic the gathering less than a half hour ago.

    We started off on a lovely joke going through the mind numbingly confusing (to newcomers) process of character creation.

    Scoundrel- Let's just all be humans to simplify things.
    Me- Yeah
    Pastor- I WANNA BE A WOOKIE!

    We then rip off some stats from the premade characters. And we're on our way. For a basic plot synopsis, the adventure revolves around stopping a terrorist group known as the flail who want to dissolve the senate. A chancellor by the name of Vallorum is hiring them.

    Scoundrel- *laughing* I'm sorry I can't get over that name.

    It didn't help that my best old-wise-man voice sounds a 12 year old at the height of puberty trying to imitate lord Voldemort. As soon as I mention the chancellor:

    Wookie: I RIP HIS ARMS OFF!

    When they found out their would be four hour wait, the wanted to go on a rampage. I stopped them. Then they wanted to go to a bar. As I player, I knew to shove them back onto the plot rails by telling them to march to the front of the line to confront the head of security. Once that's been done, they notice a man in a maintenance crew uniform acting "SUSPICIOUS!" The wookie tails him, easily spotting him in the crowd. The fake mechanic begans firing into the crowd.

    Oddly enough the Scoundrel thought he wasn't in the game for some reason.

    Scoundrel- Wait, so I'm not like trapped behind a wall of fat people?
    Me- Wait...Huh...Waht... WHERE DID YOU POSSIBLY GET THAT FROM!?
    Scoundrel: I DUNNO?!

    So after realizing he is in play, he decides among his options, the best was seeking to right hook a stranger among a shooting. He rolled well enough on strength and luck so that he was able to punch out a mildly large stranger who didn't appear to have an friends, while the wookie deflected a blaster bolt and force pulled the blaster out of his hands.

    They then meet Valorum who apologized for wasting the PC's time yada yada, standard fare.

    Wookie: I say hello.
    Me- Don't you mean, "ARGHGFAFKVOHF!?"

    The ride up to a private meeting room where they, the chancellor, and Mace Windu can talk.

    Wookie: I'm not sure if I'm comfortable being alone in a room with mace windu. Can I throw him out the window?
    Scoundrel- "Annakin already did."

    At which point he apologized for that easy joke. So, the wookie decides to make peace by hugging mace windu.

    Me-...You share a tender hug.
    Scoundrel- He should roll a hug check.
    *19*
    Me- He holds on a little bit longer than necessary.

    And we had to stop there.
    Last edited by newBlazingAngel; 2012-09-27 at 09:43 PM. Reason: Odd looking sentence
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    No I did not make my own banner, it was created by a very talented person who I've lost contact with.

    I just started playing D&D, and love the game

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    First level paladin.
    STR:14
    DEX: 8
    CON: 10
    INT:13
    WIS: 12
    CHA: 16

  26. - Top - End - #206
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Firechanter's Avatar

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    Feb 2011

    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    At one point when I was DMing, the party investigated at a court because some weird things were going on there. Suspicion fell on one of the higher secretaries (who was in fact mind controlled by a Vampire).

    They found out what his favourite pub was, and went there one night to meet him. The Cleric had loaded up on Discern Lies spells, which he secretly cast on the suspect, and the Rogue went over to start a conversation with him.
    The plan as such was good, but it didn't lead anywhere because the vampire had programmed his memory very thoroughly so he had no _deliberate_ falsehoods to reveal.

    Then near the end of the conversation, when the last spell was about to wear off and the Rogue was wrapping things up, I informed the Cleric that the suspect's aura had flickered green (i.e. he lied).

    Players: "What did he say? What did he say?"
    DM: "<<It was a pleasure meeting you.>>"
    So you know, university Physics D&D 3.5 Optimization is essentially three seven years of this discussion among like-minded enthusiasts. Done with supercomputers, access to the textsplatbook collections of five continents and thirty languages with thousands of classes, prestige classes, feats and spells.
    On four hours sleep a night.
    With no sex.
    You're not going to find the loophole these guys missed.

  27. - Top - End - #207
    Firbolg in the Playground
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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Just this past Sunday, I had a session that got the whole party laughing for quite a while, in large part at their own stupidity.

    The party is level 11, and they have just received word via a Sending spell that an ally has uncovered valuable intel but is now captured. The intel concerns an alliance between the drow nation (the primary bad guys) and an unusually powerful group of pirates. The ally just got captured by the pirates.

    They start out pretty well. Some Sending spells on their part, allowing replies by the captive ally, yield the information that she is in a prison on a ship, and that they should find a particular drow wizard (who is also on the ship) in order to learn the details of the drow plan. Also, that rescuing her would cause an alarm to be raised and make doing anything else more difficult.

    So, they follow up by Scrying on her, Teleporting in under cover of an Invisibility Sphere, and then getting out of her prison cell with a Silent Dimension Door - leaving her behind for the moment. So far so good. They start exploring the ship. It's enormous. Recent encounters haven't challenged them much, so they're overconfident and start cracking jokes about taking over, starting their own pirate group, and/or slaughtering the entire pirate group.

    They know they're looking for a powerful wizard, and they decide he's probably at the top. They go up the stairs. I roll for a random encounter, get nothing. They go up the stairs. I roll for a random encounter, get nothing. They go up the stairs some more times, never bothering to explore beyond the stairs' immediate area, and I keep rolling no random encounters. They get to the deck, still invisible. The pirates stationed on watch, with no see invis and their attention focused outwards, don't notice. They head to the forecastle and sneak in. No random encounter. They go up the stairs. No random encounter.

    They go up the stairs to the observation dome. They have, at long last, reached the very highest location on the ship. There is going to be someone here, the only question is who/what. I roll... and get the captain of the ship and overall leader of the entire pirate group (which has a bunch of other, smaller, ships too).

    So, they find this smelly wrinkled hag of a woman using a spy glass to examine the ocean, and she immediately looks up, figures out they're not part of her crew, and starts questioning them, seemingly with little concern for her safety. They talk for a little while, but then one of the players decides he's had enough and it's time to beat her into submission, possibly to encourage her to give them information. He tries a bluff check to catch her by surprise, but she easily wins her sense motive. Time for initiative. The player gets 27. I roll for her, and she goes first. She throws an Orb of Cold at him, and the players get nervous very quickly as I start gathering and counting up a BIG pile of dice. Between her caster level, Intensify Spell, and sneak attack (she's a high level Arcane Trickster), it adds up to 27d6 damage. I roll, and it comes out to exactly 100. The character in question can take it, but it's over 2/3 of his max. Then he goes, rolls his attack, confidently announces a hit, and is surprised and dismayed when I ask for the actual number and announce that no, actually, that's not high enough.

    Cue sudden and immediate backtracking of their conversational stance as the entire party suddenly realizes they might be in over their heads.

    After a little more talking, they get out when the wizard casts Dimension Door again and uses Abrupt Jaunt to dodge her readied second Orb of Cold (which would otherwise have forced a concentration check with an impossible to make DC). They then Teleported back to their own ship with the imprisoned ally, and I had fun having an NPC yell at them about how stupid the whole "go straight to the top with no investigation whatsoever before hand" thing was.

    Everyone laughed for several minutes at how the whole thing went and speculation about how she might react to the encounter. Of course, they never did find that drow wizard (though the fact that she's married to him did come up in the conversation - before they tried to attack; you'd think that might have cued them in that she's probably high level) or any information on his plan, so they'll have to go back and try again next session...
    Last edited by douglas; 2012-10-16 at 03:15 PM.
    Saberhagen's Twelve Swords, some homebrew artifacts for 3.5 (please comment)

    Archives:
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    Isstinen Tonche for ECL 74 playtesting.
    Team Solars: Powergaming beyond your wildest imagining, without infinite loops or epic. Yes, the DM asked for it.
    Arcane Swordsage: Making it actually work (homebrew)

  28. - Top - End - #208
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    RedWizardGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Just a quick little oddity: There are 5 people in my DnD group, and I am the only guy (and the DM). It didn't start out that way, but over time the other men moved on to other things. I just find that funny.
    Last edited by Curtis6566; 2012-10-16 at 03:42 PM.
    GENERATION 19: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig and add 1 to the generation. This is a social experiment


  29. - Top - End - #209
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    HalflingPirate

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    First, the party:

    S playing a duskblade/rogue.
    J playing a Barbarian/Sorcerer.
    Cold domain cleric named Leroy Jenkins. (His strategies reflect the name.)
    Me, Forest Gnome Druid named Shortstuff.

    So, we were asked to help a town that depended on a fur trade, their hunting parties weren't coming back and they wanted to know why.

    Cue evil cult, in an underground complex made of ice. So we enter the large room right inside their hidden entrance with a nice water filled urn in the center with a ring and some money at the bottom. Well we beat the gelatinous cube and Leroy our cleric puts on the ring, which happens to be intelligent, though slightly insane. Of course, most of our characters can't tell the difference.

    So we search the room, find the hidden door, which we go through instead of the two clearly visible doors at the other end of the room. No one would expect the party to know about the secret passage, right? Well we get to the end and we hear voices up ahead. With my racial bonuses to hide, I scout ahead and see about eight cultists gathered together kneeling. Only problem, I'm two feet tall, so I can see the leader who is performing a demon summoning ritual, but I can't see the altar that is right in front of him and *very* important to the ritual. So I signal the party over and we talk for five minutes while the ritual continues. We finish talking and two rounds later seven of the eight low level cultists are dead. Then the DM cackles because the real fight is just beginning.

    So, S charges by the altar at the leader, failing to notice the circle in front of the altar. He is promptly taken over, and Leroy "keeps him under control" by gleefully attacking him. No one said he wasn't a team player. I send my wolf over by him to attack the leader and to make sure he doesn't get too carried away. S (under control of the DM) climbs onto the altar and then tries to jump over my wolf to get at Leroy. Cue Attack of Opportunity, the wolf hits, and barely fails to make the strength check to trip S out of the air. Leroy of course keeps hitting S. By the time the combat was over S was unconscious, but thankfully still alive.

    While this is happening we see a demon come out of the ground in front of the altar. (The DM hadn't planned for this to happen, but we spent too long talking.) So I sic a few summoned dire badgers on him while trying to take out the last regular cultist. After about five rounds and one of the badgers being swallowed we finally got the hint about the altar, which J finally takes out. The demon is weakened, and my dire badgers finish off this demon which they have fought single-handedly. Meanwhile I am just barely finishing off the other cultist warrior after four rounds facing him.

    At the same time these other two events are happening J has been fighting the leader, aided by my wolf. After the four rounds the leader has about four hp left, tries to attack J, and promptly rolls a 1. We are playing with a critical fumble card deck, so our DM draws the card for the leader. "The pointy end goes there." Stabs herself for one point of con damage. Even con score, four hp, now with one less on the con modifier. The leader has successfully killed herself.

    We gather up the treasure, and what do we do? Leave the now alerted cult base for the night to recover spells. We barely survived the next day.

  30. - Top - End - #210
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Krazzman's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Hmm I think this counts as we laughed our asses of in that session.

    We are playing in a group of 5 PCs and one DM (one PC joined this session and is new to the material).

    Cast:
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    a Favoured Soul
    a Druid
    a Rogue/Ranger
    a Bard/Warlock
    and me the Warblade/Fighter


    We were on our way to a Temple of Talos (as our Druid was a worshipper of this faith). Due to some unlucky rolls our Favoured soul (being a quite old man) was struck with lightning and began again to talk nonsense. He disarmed the Rogue, cut his "safetyline" (we were climbing) and screamed "Now you are free Fishman! Swim free! I don't need your grate anymore!" And gave him back his short sword. In-Time druid and me begin laughing... (OOC Druid had a "laughing-cramp" and couldn't stop).
    We were tested by a "cloudelemental or something like that" and due to being hit by lighning: Druid, Bard and Favoured Soul go down to sonic and electricity damage. Rogue and I kill Cloud, I begin emergency Healingbelting the group.
    Inside the temple our Favoured Soul thought it would be a nice idea to bless this temple of Neptun (not really was still temple of Talos) in the name of Istishia. High-Priest is pissed of and we have an job to do. We climb further up and are nearly immediatly under attack of... Antmen. The fight starts and our Druid gets stung by a "Tailattack". The DM mentioned "you feel how he pumped secret into your wound"... to which I yelled "Now you are pregnant!" which resulted in another laughing from the druid player. We finally figured out that they just keep respawning and the Druid tried climbing up further (6m) to get the McGuffin and well got the first two checks needed and then failed one after another. Meanwhile I got stabbed with such a tail attack and got my "witty remark" handed back to me. In her fifth climbing round she told her eagle to get the McGuffin. Meanwhile I got stabbed with such a tail attack and got my "witty remark" handed back to me.
    Now we think about betraying the priests and just leave to our next destination with this scepter or if we should actually give it back to them. Althoug a 6m tall giant gave us the advice not to trust them.
    Last edited by Krazzman; 2012-10-22 at 03:23 AM.
    Have a nice Day,
    Krazzman

    Currently Playing:
    Drako:[3.5] Human Warblade 3/Fighter 2(Hiatus)
    Desmond:[3.5] Human Cleric of Tymora 3/Warlock 1(Hiatus)
    Nikolas:[PF] Human Sage Sorcerer 11(Hiatus)
    Tokias:[PF] Tiefling Heretic Lamashtu Inquisitor 3
    "Ed"uardo:[3.5] Azurin Totemist 4(Hiatus)
    Garm Frost:[SWSE] Human Scout1/Jedi1

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