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  1. - Top - End - #211
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    BlueKnightGuy

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    It's probably already heard about, but it's one of my finest moment in D&D.
    We are a group of 4 fighting to retrieve the MacGuffin into an ancient temple. It is guarded by the spirit of a paladin who challenges us whilst being under a giant platform. We start to fight and he kicks our asses pretty bad, but I have an idea.
    I send my familiar to patrol the platform. Turns out that the MacGuffin was there and that it's not guarded. My raven flies to pick it up... And dies.
    I kinda love my familiars, I talk and have fun and make them do funny and cool things, so you can imagine how pissed off I was.
    Our Dm usually gives us nice thing, and I got something like 14 Necklace of fireball.
    I take them, give them to the dwarf who launches them against the paladin, and set them off with a fireball.
    BOOOOOOOOM.
    Two hundreds d6 later we find the room completely shattered and a pretty much pissed off mage who takes the MacGuffin with no problem, having destroyed all the defences

  2. - Top - End - #212
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Doorhandle's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lisselys View Post
    It's probably already heard about, but it's one of my finest moment in D&D.
    We are a group of 4 fighting to retrieve the MacGuffin into an ancient temple. It is guarded by the spirit of a paladin who challenges us whilst being under a giant platform. We start to fight and he kicks our asses pretty bad, but I have an idea.
    I send my familiar to patrol the platform. Turns out that the MacGuffin was there and that it's not guarded. My raven flies to pick it up... And dies.
    I kinda love my familiars, I talk and have fun and make them do funny and cool things, so you can imagine how pissed off I was.
    Our Dm usually gives us nice thing, and I got something like 14 Necklace of fireball.
    I take them, give them to the dwarf who launches them against the paladin, and set them off with a fireball.
    BOOOOOOOOM.
    Two hundreds d6 later we find the room completely shattered and a pretty much pissed off mage who takes the MacGuffin with no problem, having destroyed all the defences
    ...Things your D.M is not allowed to do.
    * Not allowed to give the P.Cs a nuclear option.

    Temple of Talos (as our Druid was a whorshipper of this faith
    Do I want to know how that works?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Craft (Cheese) View Post
    "In his free time, he gates in Balors just so he can kill and eat them later!"

  3. - Top - End - #213
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    BlueKnightGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Doorhandle View Post
    ...Things your D.M is not allowed to do.
    * Not allowed to give the P.Cs a nuclear option.


    Do I want to know how that works?
    Our group is usually a storer, they never use consumables. I'm not that kind of guy :P

  4. - Top - End - #214
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Krazzman's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Doorhandle View Post
    Do I want to know how that works?
    F*** I didn't notice that miss-spell...
    Have a nice Day,
    Krazzman

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  5. - Top - End - #215
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    ElfWarriorGuy

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    OK, so a note from my DM self and Player self before this starts.
    DM: "Monks are overpowered..."
    Player: "... in all the best ways"

    This is a reboot for a campaign that never got very far, after the PC's abandoned the main questline because I made the mistake of not letting them leave for a little while, so in keeping with true PC fashion left the town they were in and never returned.

    The first story takes place in the reboot, the party (all lvl 5)consists of a half-elf ranger with a large sized wolf companion, a monk trained in the temple of St. Cuthbert, and the helplessly adorable 6int half-orc barbarien (DMPC because I felt they needed a meat-shield and a low-int one seemed the best).

    In the "reboot" the monk was getting missed by every attack that was going for him, zombies only having a chance to hit on a 19 (his AC was 21), but him using fists, meant although he hit alot, never did much damage. So monk and zombie trading blows, monk hitting, dealing no damage, zombies missing. The Barbarian, tore through the undead like butter, before breaking his greataxe, severely limiting his usefullness.

    As there were a few undead down, I had a kobold sorcerer that had been flinging empowered low-level spells at them, throw a inflict light wounds at the party, healing the damaged undead ones almost up to full, and k nocking the monk into low health, which he uttered words I will never forget.

    Monk: "I think I'm going down"
    I immediately burst out laughing, not telling them that it was because both the ranger and monk had bought 10 cure light wounds potions each before venturing here, so they could just bomb the undead.

    After killing all the undead and the kobold sorc using up all but two of his lvl 1 spells, used reduce person, suffering AoO from the monk, knocking him down to two HP, the kobold proceeded to run as fast as he could.

    The monk, who easily chased after him noticed the trip wire that was blocking his path, and stepped over it, into a pit trap, rolled 2d6 (1 for falling, 1 for spikes), the monk was knocked down to 1 HP, managing to be saved just before the kobold ended him, thanks to the ranger making a lucky shot.

    This has lead to my now strong held belief... only two things can hurt a monk, magic-missile, and traps.
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  6. - Top - End - #216
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    MonkGuy

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    Okay, here's one.

    Me and my group are in a small village that was besieged by goblins in the service of Demogorgon in retaliation for us killing Chroma, a young adult red dragon that served him. It's the second advancing wave and we're butchering our way through goblins, dretches and the like. Our barbarian, Stormcloud, begins another turn of carnage among the goblins, sending one flying back over the ironwood walls that protect the village before moving to Cleave the second, the only distinguishing feature this goblin possesses being that he is slightly disfigured from being planetouched via the Abyss.

    Stormcloud rolled a natural 1.

    The DM ruled that the goblin, in a rare feat of adequacy, slides under the barbarian's swing on his knees, springs up and stabs him with his shortsword for a whopping 7 points of damage out of the 124 he had at the time. The goblin, who we had taken to calling Merk, along with his comrades were understandably in awe of what Merk had just done, and the goblin in question just had this look of unreserved joy on his face. Stormcloud is naturally enraged by this and attacks again, fully intending on flattening Merk into the ground.

    Another natural 1.

    Merk sidesteps the blow and, upon weighing his options, hightails it out of there to the adulating cheers of his fellows. Little Merk survived the battle, and is now a legend among goblinkind.

    Thus began the epic saga of Mighty Merk the Mighty, Who Also Happens to Be Mighty, the goblin hero who singlehandedly slew Stormcloud the barbarian god, whose club would have split the world in half had Merk the Mighty not been there to pull the planet back together before felling the fiend.

    As of this writing, mentioning Merk the Mighty in the presence of Stormcloud is considered to be a sign that you hate the thought of having a long lifespan. This amuses Torgar, our human fighter, who uses every tasteful opportunity imaginable to remind Stormcloud of the barbarian's greatest embarrassment. Everyone is wondering how long it'll be before the inevitable occurs, but the general consensus is that it'll be hella funny to watch.

    Edit: Another one from the same battle.

    My paladin was facing off against a horde of dretch demons and was doing relatively well. Then one of them grappled me and they chose that point to dogpile me. It was at that point that Brianna, one of our clerics, decided to try turning the demons. The good news is that it worked. The bad news is that every single dretch exploded, covering my paladin from head to toe in demonic ichor. He just stood there, unmoving, for about a minute trying to comprehend just how unclean he was. It took a solid seven hours, three washbasins and five stiff-bristled scrubbing brushes to get it all off his armor and I still couldn't completely get rid of the smell.
    Last edited by Kriel; 2012-10-23 at 09:15 AM.
    It's the simple things in life you treasure.

    There are some things in life worth making a fuss over. This probably isn't one of them.

  7. - Top - End - #217
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    SwashbucklerGuy

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    From the ongoing Shackled City campaign I've shared other stories from on this thread:

    After using the Soul Pillars to basically fill in most of the gaps in our knowledge regarding the plot, we finally had a roster of the evil masterminds behind all the villainy. Naturally, we'd previously met some of them without having knowledge of their evil natures at the time; including a lord we had befriended (and who had taken over as Mayor of Cauldron) and his secretary, another aristocrat. My Necromancer uses a scrying pool in the same dungeon to spy on the secretary, who happens to be hosting a party in her mansion, where she's recruiting the region's unaffiliated villains (and their entourages) to the cause. The secretary is giving a speech, explaining the evil plot in broads strokes and telling the crowd that they'll have an "in" if only they take care of some "annoying gnats", namely us.

    Because the scrying pool had multiple uses, I was able to scry on one of the servants, which gave me a virtual tour of the nearby rooms. The party spends a full minute buffing before teleporting into an adjoining room. Between the surprise round and round one, we threw two fireballs from a necklace of fireballs into the midst of the meeting, hit nearly every villain with waves of exhaustion, nailed a mook with eyebite, rendered a dread wraith powerless, dropped an obvious caster into unconsciousness, and outright killed the secretary (doing enough damage to blow through her Shield Guardian's shield other effect and destroy it as well). After this display, our Barbarian/Rogue says "What do you think guys, is that enough to advance from gnats to mosquitoes?"

  8. - Top - End - #218
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Doorhandle's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by JohnnyCancer View Post
    From the ongoing Shackled City campaign I've shared other stories from on this thread:

    After using the Soul Pillars to basically fill in most of the gaps in our knowledge regarding the plot, we finally had a roster of the evil masterminds behind all the villainy. Naturally, we'd previously met some of them without having knowledge of their evil natures at the time; including a lord we had befriended (and who had taken over as Mayor of Cauldron) and his secretary, another aristocrat. My Necromancer uses a scrying pool in the same dungeon to spy on the secretary, who happens to be hosting a party in her mansion, where she's recruiting the region's unaffiliated villains (and their entourages) to the cause. The secretary is giving a speech, explaining the evil plot in broads strokes and telling the crowd that they'll have an "in" if only they take care of some "annoying gnats", namely us.

    Because the scrying pool had multiple uses, I was able to scry on one of the servants, which gave me a virtual tour of the nearby rooms. The party spends a full minute buffing before teleporting into an adjoining room. Between the surprise round and round one, we threw two fireballs from a necklace of fireballs into the midst of the meeting, hit nearly every villain with waves of exhaustion, nailed a mook with eyebite, rendered a dread wraith powerless, dropped an obvious caster into unconsciousness, and outright killed the secretary (doing enough damage to blow through her Shield Guardian's shield other effect and destroy it as well). After this display, our Barbarian/Rogue says "What do you think guys, is that enough to advance from gnats to mosquitoes?"
    I dunno, I think that may be spider-bite level, possibly botfly level if doing so was really, really painful.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Craft (Cheese) View Post
    "In his free time, he gates in Balors just so he can kill and eat them later!"

  9. - Top - End - #219
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    RedWizardGuy

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    Well this is an older story that I forgot to share up until now. Basically, we had just escaped the dungeon of a keep we tried to assault (the lord of the keep was evil). We needed to get through a dining room full of eating guards to get to the staircase that leads to the lord's chambers. We ask a delightful servant named Jimmy if he can provide a distraction for us. He agrees, and starts taking off his clothes. We have 2 women in our group, and one says "Jimmy! I'm a lady!". Jimmy then says "I know" and the DM winks at that player (pretending to be Jimmy). Now what made it especially funny was the look of horror on the player's face, as the player was the DM's niece . Jimmy then runs around the dining room and we fight the guards, with Jimmy's only defence being a dining tray he picks up.
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  10. - Top - End - #220
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    ReaderAt2046's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Emperordaniel View Post
    After the TN gnome fighter in our party hitched up with a gnome waitress, got drunk, and jumped out a third-story window because he wanted to go downstairs (nearly killing both himself and the inn's owner in the process when he landed on him), the CG human wilder/cleric and my LG elf cleric/ex-bard decided to go "flumph hunting" so that no one would get injured in the future if the fighter jumped out a window again. After some exploring through the town, we finally found a place that my ex-bard had decided would be a "dramatically appropriate place" for flumphs to visit.

    DM: You turn the bend in the narrow road and come across two flumph ghosts floating near the base of the bell tower.
    Wilder/Cleric: *proceeds to fail his saves against both ghosts' appearance*
    Me: Ghost flumphs?! TURN UNDEAD! *rolls an 8 on his turning check* Rats.
    DM: Okay... *rolls a 5 and 6 for the flumphs' turn resistance* The ghosts, cowered by your display of positive energy, immediately turn and flee the scene.
    Me: Really?
    DM: *rolls* Moments later, a human ghost falls from the sky and splats on the ground below in the exact spot where the flumphs were floating before you Turned them.
    Wilder/Cleric: Those flumphs were there for a reason?

    At this point, we all burst into uncontrollable laughter which forced a pause to the game for the next few minutes (after which we decided to make our characters start laughing as well).
    Was this ghost by any chance black and bald?
    Prince Fraternal of Pudding, Snuzzlepal, Feezy Squeez Lover, MP, Member of The Most Noble And Ancient Order Of St. George, King of Gae Parabolae.

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  11. - Top - End - #221
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Black Mage's Avatar

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    I'm putting this one in spoilers just in case.
    This one comes from the Way of the Wicked adventure path published by Fire Mountain Games for the Pathfinder RPG. I don't think it'll really spoil anything, but I just want to be safe.

    This isn't so much funny as it is terrifying. My players love playing evil, it seems.

    Spoiler
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    The players, a rogue, a bard, and an antipaladin, and an ogre minion, were tasked with taking out the defenses of a border keep to pave the way for an invasion force. Stealth is the best way to do this, but they slipped up, and put the entire keep on alert. Rather than trying to lie low for a little while and come up with a plan, they decided to return the next night disguised as guards. They went into the barracks where most of the soldiers were sleeping. With the combination of a river right next to the keep, and 70+ snoring men, it was pretty loud. So they started to, as they put it, ringwraith them alll (Think of the scene from Fellowship of the Ring at the Prancing Pony Inn). After working their way through the bulk of the troops, they moved on to the sleeping commanders. They ended up silently killing over 100 people that night, slaughtering every defender of that keep. But then...then the rogue took all of the bodies and crafted a tree of corpses (He actually took ranks in Craft: Bodies). The heads were used as fruit hanging from the branches of arms.
    After this, they left the ogre at the keep, with the instructions to light the signal flare in two hours. The three players then went to the small town outside the keep and called an emergency meeting to explain to the peasants what was about to happen. The bard then collected the commoners who had the highest charisma for her own personal harem (it was that, or brutal rape and murder at the hands of the invading army).
    By the time the army arrived, the bard was sitting in the inn with her newly aquired slaves, the antipaladin was waiting for the general, and the rogue was walking around eating a roasted baby on a stick.
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    Quote Originally Posted by TimeWizard View Post
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  12. - Top - End - #222
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    SwashbucklerGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Black Mage View Post
    I'm putting this one in spoilers just in case.
    This one comes from the Way of the Wicked adventure path published by Fire Mountain Games for the Pathfinder RPG. I don't think it'll really spoil anything, but I just want to be safe.

    This isn't so much funny as it is terrifying. My players love playing evil, it seems.

    Spoiler
    Show
    The players, a rogue, a bard, and an antipaladin, and an ogre minion, were tasked with taking out the defenses of a border keep to pave the way for an invasion force. Stealth is the best way to do this, but they slipped up, and put the entire keep on alert. Rather than trying to lie low for a little while and come up with a plan, they decided to return the next night disguised as guards. They went into the barracks where most of the soldiers were sleeping. With the combination of a river right next to the keep, and 70+ snoring men, it was pretty loud. So they started to, as they put it, ringwraith them alll (Think of the scene from Fellowship of the Ring at the Prancing Pony Inn). After working their way through the bulk of the troops, they moved on to the sleeping commanders. They ended up silently killing over 100 people that night, slaughtering every defender of that keep. But then...then the rogue took all of the bodies and crafted a tree of corpses (He actually took ranks in Craft: Bodies). The heads were used as fruit hanging from the branches of arms.
    After this, they left the ogre at the keep, with the instructions to light the signal flare in two hours. The three players then went to the small town outside the keep and called an emergency meeting to explain to the peasants what was about to happen. The bard then collected the commoners who had the highest charisma for her own personal harem (it was that, or brutal rape and murder at the hands of the invading army).
    By the time the army arrived, the bard was sitting in the inn with her newly aquired slaves, the antipaladin was waiting for the general, and the rogue was walking around eating a roasted baby on a stick.
    That is pretty macabre.

  13. - Top - End - #223
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    MarsRendac's Avatar

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    A few campaigns ago, I was rereading about incantations on the SRD, and I wanted to make one that allowed a mortal to bind himself or an item to a free-floating spirit or a creature without a dual nature (i.e. an outsider), all the better to make nasty NPCs with SLAs and boosted scores. The most prominent party member was a half-erinyes archivist with lots of Knowledge checks (he gestalted outsider HD with archivist levels), so he found out about the ritual and OF COURSE he just had to enchant his weapon with a pit fiend.

    Now this guy, Joe, is already big on cheese, so he had this idea about hunting genies for wishes. It happened that his favorite magic arms dealer, for whom Joe had recently acquired a very rare item, captured a genie as payment, and allowed Joe to use the three wishes. Note that he was level 6 at the time, and playing with only one other character. This is how it went:

    Spoiler
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    Joe: Thanks, Mednevar. GENIE! CALL A PIT FIEND!
    Genie: *grumble grumble* *wish*
    Me: The entire building begins to shake violently. Mednevar's potions are falling off the shelves and shattering. Suddenly, massive pillars of charred bone burst from each corner of the room, immensely damaging the structure. A storm of hellfire begins to stir between the pillars, and through the flames steps the biggest ******* pit fiend you could imagine.
    Pit Fiend: ...
    Me: The pit fiend appears unimpressed. He turns to face the genie.
    Joe: GENIE! RENDER THE PIT FIEND UNCONSCIOUS! *this was a requirement for the incantation*
    Genie: Allakazam!
    Me: *rolls d20* The genie fails miserably against the fiend's spell resistance.
    Joe: ...*many swears directed at me*
    Me: The fiend casts a quickened fireball spell. The genie dies so quickly you don't even hear him scream... the pit fiend uses the rest of his turn to walk back through the portal of hellfire. *switch to DM devil voice*
    Pit Fiend: If you ever summon me again... I'll pick my teeth with your bones. *vanishes*
    *pause*
    Mednevar: ...you destroyed my store.

    Fight breaks out. Mednevar dies and his stock is ruined. Joe loses one of his only allies and suppliers.

  14. - Top - End - #224
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Dread Angel's Avatar

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    From last night.

    The party just finished battling a demon swarm - yes, demon swarm with traits of both - that resided in the undead corpse of a giant mammoth, as in extra large pachyderm. The battle was rough on them, as a noteworthy boss should be, and left them depleted of much of their daily resources. On their way to confront the demon, an Incubus teleported nearby, warned them that he would be coming after them if they didn't turn back, and buggered off again.

    Being PCs, they went MEH and kept going, promptly forgetting about him in the ensuing battle.

    They get back to the town, prove they slew the demon, are hailed as heroes. The Oracle, played by my girlfriend, decides to call it a day and heads up to his room in the inn. The others, including the mercenary captain they hired because they needed his chain shirt (a relic) and he was unwilling to part with it and they didn't want to kill him for it......they head for the blacksmith, just up the street.

    There is a cleric, a thug-rogue, a half-dragon-rogue-scout-bastard, and the merc who is a straight up sword and shield fighter.

    The incubus appears and the battle ensues, and it is rather awesome. The incubus defends itself brilliantly with its sword, and manages to severely injure the rogue who was the only one doing noteworthy damage to it. It spends a couple turns attempting to Suggest the rogue run away, failing both attempts.

    Meanwhile, the half-dragon botched his check and ended up flying way too far past the demon. Once he got back in range, he proceeded to miss every single attack, and defend successfully against every attack of opportunity he drew. And then the incubus landed a solid blow on him. Next turn, he casts Suggestion at the half dragon, who promply fumbles.

    The suggestion is that he turn and flee as far away from the incubus as he can.

    With his flight speed, Con score, and everything ready to go for the calculations, all that remained was for me to look up the spell duration, as I didnt know if offhand.

    At CL 8, that is 8 hours of straight fleeing at top speed.

    At this point, we stopped talking. The player of the half-dragon breaks out his phone and starts running some calculations, and I do the same. We reach the same conclusion, I break out the campaign map, and ...well.

    Had the rogue not gotten a lucky crit and finished the demon before it killed him (the other two were bloody useless at this point), Warrn the halfdragon would have ended up somewhere near the capital.......of the neighbouring country...

    At which point the physical repercussions of that much exertion would have broken the compulsion anyway, but...still.

    Thankfully the rogue did get him a few rounds later so he was only a few hundred feet outside the city...

    We laughed so hard my girlfriend woke up, and promptly buggered off to the bedroom. We called it a night there but that whole session was hilarious....when the mammoth corpse was slain, it of course fell squarely on the cleric...

    The rogue, while not evil enough to actually brain the merc himself, spent much of the time making comments like "Did it get ya? No? ......Balls." and "Finish him off!" "I'm trying!" "I meant the ogre!"
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  15. - Top - End - #225
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Razanir's Avatar

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    Three stories from a short-lived campaign.

    Jedi Mind Trick
    So the PCs wound up imprisoned for breaking a law they didn't know about in a city they didn't know about. At their trial, the soulknife (which I frequently compare to a Jedi), goes "We are not the prisoners you're looking for" Guess who succeeded on his bluff check?

    Hole in the Wall
    So they wound up getting a house in the same city. For whatever reason, one of them decided to tear a hole in the wall. So to cover it up, the CN rogue stole a painting from some rich guy's house.

    Later on, they find an abandoned cabin in the woods and occupy it as a base. Five minutes later, "We're gonna need another painting."

    The Door
    So they're on the way out of a dungeon, and come to a closed door, with a trap of inflict light wounds.
    Dwarf (Dwarf barbarian): I open the door.
    Me (DM): Roll a will save... Okay, you take 2 damage.
    Dwarf: I try again
    Me: Roll another will save... Okay, you take 3 damage this time.
    The wizard: I shove him through the door
    Me: Okay... Somehow this manages to break down the door, but [Dwarf], you need to roll another will save... Ooh, you failed that time. AND I rolled max damage.
    After that, Dwarf had an irrational fear of doors
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  16. - Top - End - #226
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    SwashbucklerGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Continuing on with Shackled City, we finished plundering the mansion of our foe and tabled the arguments over whether to keep or sell the luxurious furnishings both mundane and magical for another day. We retreated to our secret layer to recuperate and decided to try scrying on the Mayor of the city who we learned was actually a beholder, and the master of the woman we effectively assassinated in the middle of her recruitment drive for the villains.

    We didn't think it would work, surely he'd heard of our assault and would have taken some simple steps to shield himself from remote viewing. Nope, apparently he was deep in the middle of a ritual binding a demodand into his central eye and was thoroughly ignorant, AND he failed his save thanks to all those social calls of his giving us familiarity with him. We try to research Beholders to thoroughly prepare ourselves, but mostly come up empty thanks to sub-par rolling: coming away only knowing that they're abberations with an antimagic central eye and a fear ray; so we're stressing about what other horrible powers it could have and what strategy we can use on it.

    We decide to go two-for-two and do another of our signature "teleport to the boss and work our way out of the dungeon" assaults and nail him rather anticlimactically in the first round, without even getting the whole party to go. Frustrated and with an eye towards the duration on our thoroughly blown wad of buffs and enhancements, we decide to rush out and fight our way to the top and loot our way back down. Cue everyone's mothers and girlfriends calling and texting, calling us crazy for playing during a hurricane so we end our session early! ARGH!

    We only have one more session before a three month hiatus, so it's especially poignant. There's going to be a stop in these anecdotes for awhile, but I figure since it's worth reporting on every week I'll give a roster of the party:

    The Warriors of Mass Destruction
    *Calliope Montuak: TN Human Wizard (Necromancer) 14
    *Field Hand Oswald: TN Human Cleric 14 (Luck and Sun)
    *Rook: CN Human Alchemist 2/Barbarian 11 - his wererat strain of lycanthropy keeps him a level below the rest.
    *Stan Lethal: CG Human Barbarian 12/Rogue 2
    *Vin Lethal: LN Human Magus (Kensai) 7/Monk 6 - the Sign of the Smoking Eye keeps him a level lower than the rest.
    *Xan: (don't know his alignment) Elf Oracle 6/Sorcerer 6/Mystic Theurge 2

    Other than my wizard's familiar, we're not allowed to have any cohorts, minions, henchmen, summoned creatures, animated undead, constructs, etc. We keep an in-character journal written by "Avicci the Bard" but his actual existence in the game is very nebulous.
    Last edited by JohnnyCancer; 2012-10-29 at 10:22 PM.

  17. - Top - End - #227
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    Quote Originally Posted by Baltic View Post
    I decide to play a Halfling Bard named Elroy Grasso'blue.
    A hillbilly Halfling Bard.
    Armed with a banjolele, the Leadership feat (my character's cousin was a Fighter named Bubba), and a crapton of social-fu, we set off on our adventure.
    If I borrow this, can I give him divine rank 0?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Razanir View Post
    Everyone knows frying pans are actually weapons that people repurpose for cooking
    I am an 11/11/12/15/12/14 LG Wiz 1/Clr 1

    I have invented a new pronoun. is to be referred to as V/vim/vis/vis/vimself instead of he/him/his/his/himself or she/her/her/hers/herself

  18. - Top - End - #228
    Troll in the Playground
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dread Angel View Post
    The incubus appears and the battle ensues, and it is rather awesome. The incubus defends itself brilliantly with its sword, and manages to severely injure the rogue who was the only one doing noteworthy damage to it. It spends a couple turns attempting to Suggest the rogue run away, failing both attempts.

    Meanwhile, the half-dragon botched his check and ended up flying way too far past the demon. Once he got back in range, he proceeded to miss every single attack, and defend successfully against every attack of opportunity he drew. And then the incubus landed a solid blow on him. Next turn, he casts Suggestion at the half dragon, who promply fumbles.

    The suggestion is that he turn and flee as far away from the incubus as he can.

    With his flight speed, Con score, and everything ready to go for the calculations, all that remained was for me to look up the spell duration, as I didnt know if offhand.

    At CL 8, that is 8 hours of straight fleeing at top speed.

    At this point, we stopped talking. The player of the half-dragon breaks out his phone and starts running some calculations, and I do the same. We reach the same conclusion, I break out the campaign map, and ...well.

    the halfdragon would have ended up somewhere near the capital.......of the neighbouring country...
    That is made of funny in so many ways.
    My Homebrew Sig.

    Woo, I have a Quote.
    Quote Originally Posted by Moonwolf727 View Post
    To avoid harming the sanity of the DM I can no longer:

    * Cast flesh to stone on a annoying Druid
    ** Cast Rock to mud on a Druid statue
    *** Scoop mud into little ceramic pots
    **** Plant tree's in individual ceramic pots
    ***** Claim that I have helped them become one with nature
    Quote Originally Posted by Chilingsworth View Post
    Congrats, you made me laugh hard enough to draw my family's attention.

  19. - Top - End - #229
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Extra_Crispy's Avatar

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    Pathfinder game I am still playing. Though with a different character. Cant remember names.

    Me: NE Female (i never play female but had a good story for this one) Elf that looks completely human (to the point that she cut her ears) Rogue, Fighter specializing in combat manouvers to disarm, trip and feint.
    Friend 1: Elf ranger made specifically to kill friend 2, with favored enemy to dragons and humans.
    Friend 2: Dragon blood sorceror. With dragon traits including the ablity to pull out claws and with red skin. Player is a good guy but most of the time a complete pain. He always makes broken characters and has many other flaws which would turn into a rant if I continue.
    Friend 3: Gnome oracle and our healer. Friend 2's gf and basically wife as they have been living together for 10+ years. First time playing a RPG and basically a wallflower to friend 2 who tells her what, and when to do stuff.
    Friend 4: Started with Human Monk. Then went to halfling alchamist with a perchant for blowing stuff up and starting a drug bussiness. Very much so dislikes friend 2.
    Friend 5: Female human barbarian raised by orcs, friendly orcs. Very good role player and rules lawyer with out being overbearing.
    Friend 6: Human fighter played by a good guy but does little role playing and only perks up when there is combat.

    So as I just started the game I came wondering into the city started by the group and run by friend 2. Wondered into the adventurers guild started by friend 6 looking for a job. Get intoduced to the king and in 45 min of just talking am now the leader of the city guard. Was defently a case of "i know extra crispy he always makes good characters so his character must be good" never mind I am Neutral Evil and working on being an assassin.

    Going into some old elven ruins I am scouting. Friend 4, the monk decides to follow me and we have already gotten off on a really bad foot. Our characters really dont like each other (long not funny story) I sneak up to a room full of goblins with the monk right behind me. I decide I am going to grab him and throw him infront of me as a joke, after all 10 goblins should be no problem for the monk and I. He takes real offence to this and turns and attacks me, ignoring the goblins that start attacking him in the back. Needless to say I procede to pound him with a flail and kill him just as the rest of the party comes around the courner to finish off the goblins. The oracle heads over to the monk thinking to try to heal him and save his life. I stop her, pick up his body and throw it into a goblin fire watching him burn to ash and saying "that is what people get when they attack me" much to the bewilderment of everyone else.

    A few game sessions later after the ranger and I have been in mental contact with the real ruller of the elven ruins, a elven supremisist lich. We both came to agreements with it to basically be in his service for power and riches. The ranger agreed for less he just wanted to kill friend 2, the sorceror.
    Anyway we go to face the lich to get the "kidnapped" ranger back but know we cant really fight and beat the lich. But of course it goes to a fight. The lich procedes to have his minions fight and mostly just laugh at us while countering the sorcerors spells. The sorceror gets mad and decides to switch to claws and attack the lich in hand to hand. Standing right beside me. The ranger heads to the back of the room and starts shooting the lich, we are both still playing like we are not on the liches side, then we both get the mental "now". The ranger shoots the sorceror in the back 3 times and almost kills him.
    Meanwhile I was outside on a smoke break, and as I come back in I walk past friend 4 now playing a halfling alchemist and he looks at me as says "you keep fighting the lich, ill take care of the ranger".
    I just smile and say "ok" my turn next and and I roll to hit, rolling a natural 20 I then apply my backstab damage on a 2 handed flail directly to the flat footed unexpecting sorceror. Shower of blood later, everyone at the table is wide jawed espically the alchemist. I just smiled, after all I was evil.

  20. - Top - End - #230
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
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    That story sounds incredibly familiar.
    Thanks to Teutonic Knight for letting me adopt my Pikeman Avatar.


  21. - Top - End - #231
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    We've been referring to our group as the WMDs for so long that I had forgotten what it stood for. I thought it was Warriors of Mass Destruction but I've since been informed that it's actually Warriors and Mages of Distinction.

  22. - Top - End - #232
    Orc in the Playground
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    I've been reading the original thread and it reminded me of a few stories of my own that emerged from the last long campaign that we ran (a modified Temple of Elemental Evil to provide some context).

    The party was as follows:
    Human Rogue/Egoist, to be replaced by a Human Rogue/Swashbuckler (Me)
    Human Cleric of Pelor
    Human Warblade
    Elven Ranger

    The first story happens early in the campaign where we are ambushed on the road by bandits in a wagon. The driver and visible passenger as well as 3 bandits in the back all leap up and ready crossbows in the surprise round and demand surrender. Psion wins intiative and the exchange is a little like this:

    Me: When the driver readied his weapon did he drop the reigns?
    DM: Yes.
    Me: I use (psionic mage hand, forget actual name) to crack the reigns.
    DM: ... What?
    Me: I crack the reigns, they're unattended and under 5 lbs.
    DM: (rolls reflex saves, all fail, 1 fumbles) The horses start abrubtly and the bandits fall over, one falls out and lands on his head dying on impact.
    Party: Laughs uproarously.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The frogzilla fight was ridiculously convoluted in that campaign, our cleric was swallowed whole 3 times and our warblade nearly drowned after a bad fumble sent him into the swamp in heavy armor, compounded by striking his head on the way down due to the fumbled reflex save to stay standing. Still no casualties and it was our DM's first time having a party live through that fight.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
    My psion/rogue died to a monstrous crayfish who managed to sneak attack him while the party was fighting ghouls the cleric failed to turn, not humorous in itself but the DM brought a fridge magnet back from his vacation the week after that session that read "Beware attack lobster", it's still on my fridge. That monster also almost killed my 2nd character after it was revived as a zombie.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
    After clearing the first dungeon and on our way to the next town to learn more about the troubles we were caught in an ambush by several were-rats led by the cleric who we missed that led the first group, Laranth the Beautiful or something as such. The party is trapped in a globe of magical darkness the cleric can't dismiss, were-rats are using blind-fight + scent to outperform our party so my rogue flees. When he leaves the darkness he pauses to get his bearings and the DM has me roll listen. I am then told I hear the cleric leaving the darkness, I quickly hide and wait for him to emerge at which point I pounce for a surprise strike which I call to his unarmoured head. I hit and deal middling damage and the DM describes it as I gash him badly across the cheek and he is furious. I'm a 3rd level rogue vs. at least a 5th level cleric in a 1v1 encouter and he has all but 1 of his spells. Weighing my options I declare that I dive back into the darkness to escape. The DM kinda looks at me amused and my party just waits for the reaction, only to cheer when the cleric dismisses his darkness and begins to chase me to get revenge. That was the turning point of the encounter that made a very successful ambush into the beating of a lifetime from the warblade's silvered greatsword.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The next great story goes to the warblade who at this point was polymorphed into a minotaur to infiltrate the temple proper. We're moving towards the fire cultists and after killing a troll with a very nasty coup de grace happen across a hydra. We're winning somewhat handily but we don't have enough fire/acid to keep all the regrowing heads down. The warblade then gets the idea that he wants to bull rush and grapple the hydra. Dice are rolled and the warblade winds up exceeding the hydra by 15 on the final checks. The hydra was already scared and the grapple finally broke it to the point where we were able to keep it as a pet of sorts, it made resting SOOO much easier seeing as we'd have it curled up right outside the door to our rooms.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The cleric had a few too many examples with creative uses of stone shape as granted by an intelligent suit of armor that we created by channeling part of the elemental node's energy into it. Highlights include trapping the 2nd black dragon (the armor was made of the first), trapping a fire giant in a large hole, making a safe zone for us in the earth node by closing corridors and generally making combat a hassle by trapping/breaking up groups of foes.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The next one goes to myself in what was a truly inspired use of available targets vs a red dragon. I was scouting ahead stealthily and the party was trying to follow about 40 feet behind. The cleric rolled a 1 and cursed as she was in full plate, the DM ruled that she had tripped over a brazier and bumped a torch sconce making a horrible racket. Cue a red dragon poking it's head out about 5 feet from me to see what the noise was. I win initiative (everyone was surprised) and know that I need to do something fast to disable the dragon before it breathes on the party and generally makes a mess of everything so I inspiredly make a called shot to the eyes, one with each weapon (overpowered cleaver weapons: 1d8 damage, 18-20/x3 crit and light weapons, any TWF sneak attacker's dream weapon). Dice come up 20, 19, 19. Crits are confirmed so the dragon takes 3d8+27 x3 PLUS an additional 9d6 sneak attack damage. I think it came up 113 points of damage and the DM shook his head after failing a fort save ruling the dragon was blinded and recoiled back to his lair screaming in pain. The battle was not too hard after that one. I also blinded a white dragon after making a flying leap from a ledge to catch it by surprise while it was chasing the party cleric. The DM suggessted that I stop blinding his dragons as there could be consequences.

    Man I forgot how crazy that campaign got. It was also the campaign that made the DM declare that his next campaign would be all core books and aquatic after the warblade and Rogue/Swashbucker/Nightsong Enforcer just blew everything away. The Cleric then proudly declared that she wanted to play a druid in that group
    Last edited by Ishikar; 2012-11-01 at 03:38 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Winged One View Post
    Actually, Tarrasques are merely an extremely endangered species. They reproduce by spontaniously coming into existance when people piss off the DM.
    CRPG Rules: http://project-apollo.net/text/rpg.html

  23. - Top - End - #233
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    rezplz's Avatar

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    In my current group's first pathfinder campaign, I believe this was the story that cemented my character's status as the groups memetic badass. Even today the group makes jokes about Jason Swift, the fighter/barbarian/cavalier who did nothing but charge balls first and come out on top. Spoilered for length.

    Spoiler
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    In this story, the group was on a pirate ship magically locked into high speed on a deadly collision course with a cliff face. Due to the heavy fog and him being at the front of the ship after taking out the last of the werewolf pirates on board, Jason did not see the rest of the party jump onto one of the characters' summoned sharks and into the water. And unfortunately, the current was strong below him, as it was also in the middle of a storm, he was wearing breastplate with a heavy shield, and had no ranks in swim. If he fell in the water, as far as he knew it would be death.

    After a moment of thinking, knowing that he would be impacting at full speed against the cliffside, both I and Jason Swift grinned and shrugged. I then said, "I charge the cliff." Cue a blank stare from the DM, "That's impossible to survive, physics, blah blah blah". I point out max falling damage is 20d6, and that represents terminal velocity. So he survived crashing into the cliff, being left at 15 or so HP from max.

    The DM then pointed out that there was still water below, so I did a climb check to hold onto the cliff, using the self-made crater as a handhold. Even with the momentum, I rolled a nat 20, clinging onto the cliff face with one hand for dear life. The fog is starting to clear now, and what the rest of the party saw and heard was essentially an explosion that left a cloud of smoke and debris, and when it cleared there was only Jason Swift, clinging onto the cliff side. Still being faced with the threat of the water below, he started to climb. Because of how he impacted though, he basically had to climb at a worse-than-vertical angle - cue a constant stream of high rolls, and Jason Swift sat down on the top of the cliff, and camped for a day while he waited for the rest of the party to catch up.

  24. - Top - End - #234
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    BarbarianGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by rezplz View Post
    In my current group's first pathfinder campaign, I believe this was the story that cemented my character's status as the groups memetic badass. Even today the group makes jokes about Jason Swift, the fighter/barbarian/cavalier who did nothing but charge balls first and come out on top. Spoilered for length.

    Spoiler
    Show
    In this story, the group was on a pirate ship magically locked into high speed on a deadly collision course with a cliff face. Due to the heavy fog and him being at the front of the ship after taking out the last of the werewolf pirates on board, Jason did not see the rest of the party jump onto one of the characters' summoned sharks and into the water. And unfortunately, the current was strong below him, as it was also in the middle of a storm, he was wearing breastplate with a heavy shield, and had no ranks in swim. If he fell in the water, as far as he knew it would be death.

    After a moment of thinking, knowing that he would be impacting at full speed against the cliffside, both I and Jason Swift grinned and shrugged. I then said, "I charge the cliff." Cue a blank stare from the DM, "That's impossible to survive, physics, blah blah blah". I point out max falling damage is 20d6, and that represents terminal velocity. So he survived crashing into the cliff, being left at 15 or so HP from max.

    The DM then pointed out that there was still water below, so I did a climb check to hold onto the cliff, using the self-made crater as a handhold. Even with the momentum, I rolled a nat 20, clinging onto the cliff face with one hand for dear life. The fog is starting to clear now, and what the rest of the party saw and heard was essentially an explosion that left a cloud of smoke and debris, and when it cleared there was only Jason Swift, clinging onto the cliff side. Still being faced with the threat of the water below, he started to climb. Because of how he impacted though, he basically had to climb at a worse-than-vertical angle - cue a constant stream of high rolls, and Jason Swift sat down on the top of the cliff, and camped for a day while he waited for the rest of the party to catch up.
    Jason Swift does not crash on the cliffs, the cliffs crash on Jason Swift.
    Last edited by JackOfAllBuilds; 2012-11-01 at 05:58 PM.
    Dwarven Prayer:
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    Our Lager, Which art in barrels,
    Hallowed be thy drink.
    Thy will be drunk
    I will be drunk,
    At home as in the tavern.
    Give us this day our foamy head,
    And forgive us our spillages
    As we forgive those that spill against us.
    And lead us not into incarceration,
    But deliver us from hang-overs.
    For thine is the beer,
    The bitter and the lager.
    Forever and ever,
    Barmen!

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  25. - Top - End - #235
    Troll in the Playground
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    Quote Originally Posted by rezplz View Post
    ^Snip
    I take it you made a really big sacrifice to the dice gods that year.
    My Homebrew Sig.

    Woo, I have a Quote.
    Quote Originally Posted by Moonwolf727 View Post
    To avoid harming the sanity of the DM I can no longer:

    * Cast flesh to stone on a annoying Druid
    ** Cast Rock to mud on a Druid statue
    *** Scoop mud into little ceramic pots
    **** Plant tree's in individual ceramic pots
    ***** Claim that I have helped them become one with nature
    Quote Originally Posted by Chilingsworth View Post
    Congrats, you made me laugh hard enough to draw my family's attention.

  26. - Top - End - #236
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    rezplz's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Erik Vale View Post
    I take it you made a really big sacrifice to the dice gods that year.
    Haha pretty much. Luck favored me pretty well with that character. Normally when I'm a PC I'm consistently rolling ones. That wasn't even the only insane thing he pulled, though. He was a tank/crit build with heavy on the cavalier side, going with a heavy spiked bashing shield and a kukri. Even when he was 2 levels behind (a death and a couple missed sessions) he carried the rest of the party in combat (and often in social situations, he was an arrogant braggart of a character and had the CHA to pull it off)

    JackOfAllBuilds: Hahaha yes, I like it. I'll have to use that meme when the subject of Jason Swift next comes up.

    Eh, I'll post a few of his other stories that I can remember. None of them are quiiite as awesome as the cliff, but they still show what he was about.

    Caves of Darkness:
    Spoiler
    Show
    These caves were actually pretty well lit... for everyone else. Very soon after entering these caves, Jason got hit by a blindless spell, and our group had no cleric to fix that with. This only served to piss Jason off, and yelled at the group's other fighter where the bastard was. Upon getting the cleric's general location, Jason charged until he bumped into the guy and proceeded to eviscerate him while blind and having no feats for it.

    Unfortunately, town was a week away. And Jason Swift doesn't retreat when there are people watching. So, while the rest of the party was getting ready to head back to town, Jason swift proceeded to call them all ******* - while facing the wrong direction - and got them to continue through the dungeon. The whole time, he had the other fighter shout directions at him, and he survived the whole dungeon while still doing a fair amount of the tanking/killing.


    The (temporary) death of Jason Swift
    Spoiler
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    It was actually a pretty un-badass way to die. I forget what dungeon we were all in, but the mini-boss was a big bruiser type - some kind of ogre, I think - who was rocking a greataxe. Round one, Jason Swift shouts some obscenities, tanting the ogre, and the ogre responded appropriately - with a critical max damage on a charge. Jason Swift was still up though, if barely - and continued to tank for another couple rounds before being killed. The party loved their ******* womanizer of a tank so much though that they got him raised right away.

    The next item Jason bought was the determination enchantment on his armor - which 1/day had a contingent breath of life to be cast on the wearer. After getting the armor, he got a LOT of use out of it - he died once almost every adventuring day, and every time kept getting back up for more.


    Ice Wyrm on the cliffside

    Spoiler
    Show
    While climbing a snowy cliff, the party got attacked by an ice wyrm of some kind that shot out from the rock. Everyone was having a hard time hitting it, the casters couldn't get past its spell resistance, and Jason's buddy was pretty hurt. After a round that seemed to last forever, my turn finally came around. After a moment's pause - and the DM seemed to know I was about to do something reckless, I said "I rage, challenge, and jump inside the wyrm."

    The wyrm only lasted for one round after that.


    The fighter ruse... was a DISTACTION
    Spoiler
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    We were in the city of the BBEG, about to bust into his stronghold. Feeling pretty cocky, we bust right in there, but soon find things are going to **** once the majority of the stronghold was trying to kill us. I guess they didn't like us busting in or something. Anyway, things are going to **** and the rest of the party starts to run, but Jason Swift has a better idea. He runs a different way, taunting everything he can see to try to get it to chase after him. The party sees what hes doing, and move further into the stronghold to hide and reposition. For some reason the assassin went with Jason, so they started tag-teaming for a bit. They locked themselves in a supply room, and just before the enemies busted the door open, they both used their capes of the mountebank to get the hell out of dodge, giving the rest of the group time to heal and set themselves up.


    The Chair (A.K.A. "I SIT IN IT!")
    Spoiler
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    I had been particularly caffienated this day, and was feeling hyper. Which meant that Jason was even more reckless. We were going through a dungeon and come up to this room, and the first thing the DM starts describing is that there is a throne in the center of the room. As he's about to say more, I blurt out

    "I SIT IN IT."
    DM: Uh. I haven't described
    Me: I don't care. It's a nice throne. Now it's Jason's throne.
    DM: There's a skeleton on it.
    Me: I shove it off.
    DM:.... Sigh. You discover that its an illusion, but he keeps on with his automated message anyway. *Something about doom of some sort*

    If we were smart, we would have used the fact that it was an illusion to mean that something else was going to attack us. Maybe something hidden, or invisible. But I was caffienated, and as such, not quite intelligent. So Jason sat on the throne, shooting the **** with an illusionary skeleton while its telling us how we're all going to die. And then the invisible, tentacled monstrosity came and started to grapple jason.

    Since its invisible, all the party can see is Jason floating in mid air and thrashing about. Confused, they all just stand there, leaving Jason to solo it for a bit. He busts out of the grapple just as the magus stepped in to finally help him, only for the magus to get grappled. So, since one of his buddies is in danger, Jason jumped right back in, took control of the grapple, and proceeded to make the invisible tentacle monster his bitch while the rest of the party killed it.

    The next three feats he took were improved unarmed strike, improved grapple, and greater grapple. Just in case. Which sets us up for...


    YEEE-HAWW!
    Spoiler
    Show
    Were in the BBEG's stronghold, and there's his second in command (a lamia cleric of some sort) and a few giant thugs in our way to activating the portal to get to the BBEG and win the campaign. The assassin is preparing to kill a wizard miniboss, while I'm flying (boots of flying ftw) and invisible, waiting to provide backup. The assassination attempt goes badly, which is Jason's cue. Jason swift bursts out of nowhere, tackling the lamia boss armed with nothing but a 50-ft rope and his steel testicles.

    Round one: Tackle the lamia into the wall
    Round two: Pin the lamia, and then hogtie

    Jason still had a couple things of rope left, so he wasn't done. He found the biggest thing in the room, yelled for someone to coup de grace the lamia, and tackled a giant. He took the AoO to the face, shrugged it off, and proceeded to hogtie the giant. The combat didn't last long, and then the portal was open. Still fueled with adrenaline, Jason charged in, leading us to:


    The final boss
    Spoiler
    Show
    Jason found himself alone in a huge chamber, with the BBEG. Jason was still at full health. He had not used his 1/day breath of life. He still had rage and 1 challenge left. However, he had already used his 1/day dimension door. Close enough to perfect for him.

    The BBEG's readied actions went off, sending a few area of effect spells that would have killed a couple weaker members of our party. Jason passed the most deadly save, and since he had bought a ring of evasion, was pretty much unfazed. Jason charged. Jason grappled.

    BBEG had freedom of movement.

    However, being a raging brute of a brave dumbass provided the rest of the party to get in through the portal without dying. Right as they bust in, they see jason get trapped in a force cage. Unable to get out, Jason was forced to do nothing for the entire fight as the rest of the party used Jason's momentary distraction to beat the living tar out of the BBEG.


    Epilogue
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    The toughest thing killed, and Jason having needed to sit by and watch, he felt his life unfulfilled. Seeking to prove himself the best of the party, he traveled the world in search of women and badassery, and eventually rose to demigodhood. He is now a minor diety in all of our campaigns, and he and his followers will occasionally make brief cameos.

  27. - Top - End - #237
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    Beholder

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    Quote Originally Posted by rezplz View Post
    Haha pretty much. Luck favored me pretty well with that character. Normally when I'm a PC I'm consistently rolling ones. That wasn't even the only insane thing he pulled, though. He was a tank/crit build with heavy on the cavalier side, going with a heavy spiked bashing shield and a kukri. Even when he was 2 levels behind (a death and a couple missed sessions) he carried the rest of the party in combat (and often in social situations, he was an arrogant braggart of a character and had the CHA to pull it off)

    JackOfAllBuilds: Hahaha yes, I like it. I'll have to use that meme when the subject of Jason Swift next comes up.

    Eh, I'll post a few of his other stories that I can remember. None of them are quiiite as awesome as the cliff, but they still show what he was about.

    Caves of Darkness:
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    These caves were actually pretty well lit... for everyone else. Very soon after entering these caves, Jason got hit by a blindless spell, and our group had no cleric to fix that with. This only served to piss Jason off, and yelled at the group's other fighter where the bastard was. Upon getting the cleric's general location, Jason charged until he bumped into the guy and proceeded to eviscerate him while blind and having no feats for it.

    Unfortunately, town was a week away. And Jason Swift doesn't retreat when there are people watching. So, while the rest of the party was getting ready to head back to town, Jason swift proceeded to call them all ******* - while facing the wrong direction - and got them to continue through the dungeon. The whole time, he had the other fighter shout directions at him, and he survived the whole dungeon while still doing a fair amount of the tanking/killing.


    The (temporary) death of Jason Swift
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    It was actually a pretty un-badass way to die. I forget what dungeon we were all in, but the mini-boss was a big bruiser type - some kind of ogre, I think - who was rocking a greataxe. Round one, Jason Swift shouts some obscenities, tanting the ogre, and the ogre responded appropriately - with a critical max damage on a charge. Jason Swift was still up though, if barely - and continued to tank for another couple rounds before being killed. The party loved their ******* womanizer of a tank so much though that they got him raised right away.

    The next item Jason bought was the determination enchantment on his armor - which 1/day had a contingent breath of life to be cast on the wearer. After getting the armor, he got a LOT of use out of it - he died once almost every adventuring day, and every time kept getting back up for more.


    Ice Wyrm on the cliffside

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    While climbing a snowy cliff, the party got attacked by an ice wyrm of some kind that shot out from the rock. Everyone was having a hard time hitting it, the casters couldn't get past its spell resistance, and Jason's buddy was pretty hurt. After a round that seemed to last forever, my turn finally came around. After a moment's pause - and the DM seemed to know I was about to do something reckless, I said "I rage, challenge, and jump inside the wyrm."

    The wyrm only lasted for one round after that.


    The fighter ruse... was a DISTACTION
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    We were in the city of the BBEG, about to bust into his stronghold. Feeling pretty cocky, we bust right in there, but soon find things are going to **** once the majority of the stronghold was trying to kill us. I guess they didn't like us busting in or something. Anyway, things are going to **** and the rest of the party starts to run, but Jason Swift has a better idea. He runs a different way, taunting everything he can see to try to get it to chase after him. The party sees what hes doing, and move further into the stronghold to hide and reposition. For some reason the assassin went with Jason, so they started tag-teaming for a bit. They locked themselves in a supply room, and just before the enemies busted the door open, they both used their capes of the mountebank to get the hell out of dodge, giving the rest of the group time to heal and set themselves up.


    The Chair (A.K.A. "I SIT IN IT!")
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    I had been particularly caffienated this day, and was feeling hyper. Which meant that Jason was even more reckless. We were going through a dungeon and come up to this room, and the first thing the DM starts describing is that there is a throne in the center of the room. As he's about to say more, I blurt out

    "I SIT IN IT."
    DM: Uh. I haven't described
    Me: I don't care. It's a nice throne. Now it's Jason's throne.
    DM: There's a skeleton on it.
    Me: I shove it off.
    DM:.... Sigh. You discover that its an illusion, but he keeps on with his automated message anyway. *Something about doom of some sort*

    If we were smart, we would have used the fact that it was an illusion to mean that something else was going to attack us. Maybe something hidden, or invisible. But I was caffienated, and as such, not quite intelligent. So Jason sat on the throne, shooting the **** with an illusionary skeleton while its telling us how we're all going to die. And then the invisible, tentacled monstrosity came and started to grapple jason.

    Since its invisible, all the party can see is Jason floating in mid air and thrashing about. Confused, they all just stand there, leaving Jason to solo it for a bit. He busts out of the grapple just as the magus stepped in to finally help him, only for the magus to get grappled. So, since one of his buddies is in danger, Jason jumped right back in, took control of the grapple, and proceeded to make the invisible tentacle monster his bitch while the rest of the party killed it.

    The next three feats he took were improved unarmed strike, improved grapple, and greater grapple. Just in case. Which sets us up for...


    YEEE-HAWW!
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    Were in the BBEG's stronghold, and there's his second in command (a lamia cleric of some sort) and a few giant thugs in our way to activating the portal to get to the BBEG and win the campaign. The assassin is preparing to kill a wizard miniboss, while I'm flying (boots of flying ftw) and invisible, waiting to provide backup. The assassination attempt goes badly, which is Jason's cue. Jason swift bursts out of nowhere, tackling the lamia boss armed with nothing but a 50-ft rope and his steel testicles.

    Round one: Tackle the lamia into the wall
    Round two: Pin the lamia, and then hogtie

    Jason still had a couple things of rope left, so he wasn't done. He found the biggest thing in the room, yelled for someone to coup de grace the lamia, and tackled a giant. He took the AoO to the face, shrugged it off, and proceeded to hogtie the giant. The combat didn't last long, and then the portal was open. Still fueled with adrenaline, Jason charged in, leading us to:


    The final boss
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    Jason found himself alone in a huge chamber, with the BBEG. Jason was still at full health. He had not used his 1/day breath of life. He still had rage and 1 challenge left. However, he had already used his 1/day dimension door. Close enough to perfect for him.

    The BBEG's readied actions went off, sending a few area of effect spells that would have killed a couple weaker members of our party. Jason passed the most deadly save, and since he had bought a ring of evasion, was pretty much unfazed. Jason charged. Jason grappled.

    BBEG had freedom of movement.

    However, being a raging brute of a brave dumbass provided the rest of the party to get in through the portal without dying. Right as they bust in, they see jason get trapped in a force cage. Unable to get out, Jason was forced to do nothing for the entire fight as the rest of the party used Jason's momentary distraction to beat the living tar out of the BBEG.


    Epilogue
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    The toughest thing killed, and Jason having needed to sit by and watch, he felt his life unfulfilled. Seeking to prove himself the best of the party, he traveled the world in search of women and badassery, and eventually rose to demigodhood. He is now a minor diety in all of our campaigns, and he and his followers will occasionally make brief cameos.
    Amazing

    Reminds me of my once off Dragon-born Barbarian "Red" Hugar Donnigal

    The party( rogue, wizard, ranger, cleric and myself) was fighting the first encounter in a once off adventure. The fight consisted of 5 kobolds, a kobold dragon-shield and a kobold cleric.

    The wizard called initiative ( somehow) and fired into the cleric, followed by the ranger doing the same. Then came great honor and glory!

    My poor DM was treated to a blast of "EIRE!; EIRE!; BORU!, BORU!, BORU!, as "Red" leeroy jenkinsed into the cleric with a charge, bloodying him. He was imediatly surrounded by the rest of the kobolds and brought down to 1 hp.

    Start round 2

    By this time both the rogue and the cleric have rushed to my "rescue" (they did nothing, as I had moved 12 squares to make my attack) as I protested " guys I got this!" The wizard freaks out and blows up the dragon-shield (Max damage on some spell or other) and the ranger finishes him off. My turn, and I use mace-tails rage to knock everyone down, and temp-regen more than my starting HP (which was somewhere in the 30's), then get the hell out of dodge... and right into the cleric... again. I was the only one to survive that
    fight, and only managed to do that because of the following insanity

    1. +4 temp HP per strike ( mace-tail's rage, daily)
    2. +3 temp HP per strike ( recuperating strike, at will)
    3. +3 temp HP per kill ( rage-blood vigor, feature)

    That's 7 hp per hit, ten on a kill

    4. +1 to attack when bloodied (Dragon-born fury) (I never rose above 1 HP)
    5. +4 proficiency bonus (great axe)
    6. + 2 move on charge when raging( howling strike)

    He really was a survivor. :)
    Last edited by Cpl.Punishment; 2012-11-01 at 06:38 PM.
    Cause,hey, cookies. Why not?

  28. - Top - End - #238
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    rezplz's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by Cpl.Punishment View Post
    Amazing

    Reminds me of my once off Dragon-born Barbarian "Red" Hugar Donnigal

    The party( rogue, wizard, ranger, cleric and myself) was fighting the first encounter in a once off adventure. The fight consisted of 5 kobolds, a kobold dragon-shield and a kobold cleric.

    The wizard called initiative ( somehow) and fired into the cleric, followed by the ranger doing the same. Then came great honor and glory!

    My poor DM was treated to a blast of "EIRE!; EIRE!; BORU!, BORU!, BORU!, as "Red" leeroy jenkinsed into the cleric with a charge, bloodying him. He was imediatly surrounded by the rest of the kobolds and brought down to 1 hp.

    Start round 2

    By this time both the rogue and the cleric have rushed to my "rescue" (they did nothing, as I had moved 12 squares to make my attack) as I protested " guys I got this!" The wizard freaks out and blows up the dragon-shield (Max damage on some spell or other) and the ranger finishes him off. My turn, and I use mace-tails rage to knock everyone down, and temp-regen more than my starting HP (which was somewhere in the 30's), then get the hell out of dodge... and right into the cleric... again. I was the only one to survive that
    fight, and only managed to do that because of the following insanity

    1. +4 temp HP per strike ( mace-tail's rage, daily)
    2. +3 temp HP per strike ( recuperating strike, at will)
    3. +3 temp HP per kill ( rage-blood vigor, feature)

    That's 7 hp per hit, ten on a kill

    4. +1 to attack when bloodied (Dragon-born fury) (I never rose above 1 HP)
    5. +4 proficiency bonus (great axe)
    6. + 2 move on charge when raging( howling strike)

    He really was a survivor. :)
    YES. That is the kind of brilliance that Jason Swift was all about. Haha I could envision that perfectly, and it seems pretty badass. 8)

  29. - Top - End - #239
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Techmagss's Avatar

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Joey(ralph): DM
    Me (Lizardfolk Rogue named Darj): PC
    There was also another guy but I forgot his name.

    Joey: Kay, you enter the cave, and you see a large, black figure hanging from the ceiling. What d'you do?
    Me: I look closer.
    Joey: Why not? Make a spot check.
    'me rolls 16'
    Joey: You look closer.. It looks like it has... Wings?
    Anywho, that other guy rolled 20 on his spot check, Joe said;
    Joey: It looks like an upside-down head of some sorts (said he)... And it flies straight at you!
    'some slightly boring initiative and attack rolls later'
    'guy rolls 1, head rolls 18, head attacks for 2 damage'
    Joey: Damn. Okay, Darj, your turn.
    'le me realises that I had a bear trap'
    Me: Errmm... Ermm.. I arm this bear trap.
    'roll 15 on trapcheck or whatever'
    Joey: Uhh... O--kay??
    Guy: DUDE, HELP ME FOR ****'S SAKE I'M AT 1HP (it hit him again, 1hp left for him.)
    Me: ... I THROW THE BEAR TRAP AT THE HEADTHINGY
    *small hilarity ensues*
    Joey: *laughlaugh* Okay, okay... Roll a strength check, I think.
    *natural 20 on strength check*
    *Trap triggers, blood, brains and batwings fly out*
    Not very funny but semi-amusing, I hope?
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    Every GM railroads, they just make the players feel like they're free.
    Sometimes I feel I need my own title.
    How about 'Yellow Brick Road in the Playground'?
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  30. - Top - End - #240
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    BarbarianGuy

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    Default Re: More Funny D&D Stories

    Quote Originally Posted by Christ0ph3r4 View Post
    'le me realises that I had a bear trap'
    Ha! 9gag? and it was sort of funny, but hard to read with poor english sentance structure
    Dwarven Prayer:
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    Our Lager, Which art in barrels,
    Hallowed be thy drink.
    Thy will be drunk
    I will be drunk,
    At home as in the tavern.
    Give us this day our foamy head,
    And forgive us our spillages
    As we forgive those that spill against us.
    And lead us not into incarceration,
    But deliver us from hang-overs.
    For thine is the beer,
    The bitter and the lager.
    Forever and ever,
    Barmen!

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