Jokes from a Necromancer

[karkus]

So because it's October, all that I've heard over the past week are these lame, Halloween-themed jokes. Some of them I thought of myself, others were just slightly changed to be more RPG-related. Enjoy!

Why was my skeletal army too afraid to fight the paladin fortress?
They had no guts!

Why was my reanimated zombie so tired in the morning?
He had to work the graveyard shift!

What did I say to my skeletons before I was going to give them dinner?
Bone appetit!

What was the easiest thing for me to do in elementary school?
Spelling tests!

What do I call my minions if they don't work hard enough?
Lazy sacks of bones!

Why don't my Shadows like to party?
They have no body to dance with!

Why are there fences around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get out!
(That one is actually a parody of the original joke, "dying to get in," and I also thought that I could do a "chicken crossing the road" sort of joke, "because they don't like it when I come and steal their dead bodies," but I thought that this one was better)

Why do I normally not Command mummies to do things for me?
Because they always get wrapped up in the details!

What did the paladins who were on guard duty say to their supervisor after the fortress was attacked by ghosts?
"We saw no body coming through here."

Why do I always tell my (living) workers to cast Levitate on their ghosts if they're ever upset?
Because it raises their spirits!

Why don't those same workers mentioned above let their ghosts out in the rain?
It dampens their spirits!

What do you do if your sarcastic zombies roll their eyes at you after you give them orders?
Roll them back to them and Command them to do the job again!

What are my Vampiric minions' favorite fruits?
Necktarines!

What website do my Vampires go to when they want to go see a zombie movie?
Fang-dango!

What did the Vampires say about the movie (that one ^) they went to?
"That stunk!" (because it was about rotting corpses)

What did I say to my Vampires when I wanted them to take inventory of the kitchen utensils?
Count spatulas! (a pun made from Count Dracula's name)

What do Vampire doctors always have you do?
Blood tests!
(okay this one's really only slightly different from Rich's Test of the Heart, but I heard it a few days ago and thought it was good)

Those are all the jokes about undead that I can remember, and I just hope that they weren't so cheesy that I put Kraft™ out of business.

Also, I realize that most of these don't make sense, like how I said that my zombie was tired, when they are actually unable to do so, and how my skeletons were eating, when they are equally unable to do so, but for the purposes of these jokes, they do.

[Traab]

/proceeds to track the OP down to "discuss" humor with a brick in hand.

[karkus]

/proceeds to apologize if I had somehow offended Traab

[Traab]

Heh, offended? No. Made me sprain my eyes due to excessive eyerolling? Yes.

[karkus]

Oh, okay. Now I see what you meant.

[Ravens_cry]

What do you expect from a necromancer but dead jokes that make you groan?

[Tebryn]

What do you expect from a necromancer but dead jokes that make you groan?

I'd expect his jokes to slay.

[Traab]

What do you expect from a necromancer but dead jokes that make you groan?

At least have them make me deadpan! I mean true, I should have expected the delivery to be stiff, but many of those jokes were just rotten!

[Ravens_cry]

I'd expect his jokes to slay.

I say they'd make the dead rise . . .to tell him to stop!

[karkus]

You guys crack me up.

[Ravens_cry]

At least have them make me deadpan! I mean true, I should have expected the delivery to be stiff, but many of those jokes were just rotten!

Don't be so negative, they can't all be gems. Black onyx that is.

[Tebryn]

I say they'd make the dead rise . . .to tell him to stop!

Tell enough of them and you can really bring a party to life.

[Ravens_cry]

Tell enough of them and you can really bring a party to life.

That would be a Thriller.

[Tebryn]

This thread is getting way to cheesy for me. I should really asiago.

[Ravens_cry]

This thread is getting way to cheesy for me. I should really asiago.

Please, no, not cheese puns. I've never been any Gouda them.

[Lord_Gareth]

Please, no, not cheese puns. I've never been any Gouda them.

They do tend to shred one's patience, I've found. At least it's better than having to panda to bear puns.

[Chromascope3D]

"Hey babe, y'know you can't spell 'necromancer' without 'romance.'"

[karkus]

"Hey babe, y'know you can't spell 'necromancer' without 'romance.'"

That, my friend, is absolute gold. Do you mind if I use it in the future? I'm dead sure that I can put it to good use.

Edit: a good response for you is "Use my joke? Over my dead body!"

[Lord_Gareth]

That, my friend, is absolute gold. Do you mind if I use it in the future? I'm dead sure that I can put it to good use.

Edit: a good response for you is "Use my joke? Over my dead body!"

You know, spelling it out like that really kills the mood. It'll be hard for this thread to get as animated again.

[Chromascope3D]

I don't get these at all, they're far too crypt-ic.

[karkus]

We're getting a little off-subject, you guys. Back to the point: my minions will most likely have to work hard to urn their stay at my stronghold.

Did you see the pun? But really, we should stop this. This humor's getting far too grave. It's almost tomb much for me!

[karkus]

You know, it's too bad that we're rot having this disgustion a month later, in Dismember. Then I could wish you all a Merry Crypt-mas!

[Morph Bark]

"Hey babe, y'know you can't spell 'necromancer' without 'romance.'"

I hear vampires are also very good at neckromancing.

[The Succubus]

I hear vampires are also very good at neckromancing.

Ugh, that sucked. Necks please. -.-

[Arcanist]

Ugh, that sucked. Necks please. -.-

No way, these jokes are priceless in the eye of the beholder mage, I would definitely give that joke 10/10 pints!

[Ravens_cry]

You may try to tickle my funny bone, but all you are doing is bleeding me dry.

[karkus]

You guys are killing me with your humor. I don't know what I even expected to see in the replies. I mean, of corpse you guys will use bad puns, ripe with the stench of cheesiness.

Some of these jokes might be copyrighted, though, so we could get hit with a scythe-and-desist order.

I'd be mortified if caught dead making jokes with you guys. I'd better leave, so that I don't lose my decomposure over these rotten puns.

[Slipperychicken]

Necromancer? I don't even know her!

[while motioning with a rotting, severed arm] "I'll go out on a limb and say..."

What do you call an undead songwriter? A de-composer!

Why do feminists love zombies? You see, zombies don't objectify women, they only care about your brains!

Why can't zombies ever get a good date? They're all limp-wristed!

Why did the zombie go to college? To find some good brains!

[MikelaC1]

What is the magic word of every necromantic spell?

Abra-cadavar

[Slipperychicken]

Y'know, I don't need to pay my skeleton defense-lawyer. He does all his cases pro-bono!

[and a variation...]

Having a skeleton horde is a pretty sweet deal. You don't even have to pay 'em. They do all the work pro-bono!

[another variation]

What, do you think this? A charity? I got bills to pay! I can't afford to do business pro-bono!

[okay, I'll stop]

Why were all the union skeletons on strike? They wanted their bonuses!

[At a dinner party] Look at you, your thin as a stick! Get some meat on those bones!

I know this whole necromantic comedy business isn't exactly popular, but come on! Throw me a bone, here!

[while flirting] I'm just a poor nec-romantic with his heart on his sleeve...