Things I May No Longer Do While Playing IV: The Decanter of Endless Bad Ideas

[Ksheep]

**** However, baking you into a nice quiche is going a bit overboard

***** Unless, of course, it's a Red Dragon

[Black Mage]

* Dragons are not known explicitly for their baking abilities.
** All merchants are not Billy Mayes.
*** Using Find The Path to circumvent the DMs maze that he spent a week designing is considered rude.
**** When I am challenged to a duel, my first reaction cannot be to call the person a whore and immediately shoot her in the face.
***** Even if she is a whore.
****** Retroactively justifying my actions after it is revealed that she was a powerful monster in human disguise still does not make it okay.
******* My gnome Gunslinger is not a turret.

[enderlord99]

*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not contradict myself.
*I must contradict myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not contradict myself.
*I must contradict myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not contradict myself.
*I must contradict myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not send secret messages.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not contradict myself.
*I must contradict myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not contradict myself.
*I must contradict myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.

[jindra34]

*Unless playing Exalted I may not build a character strong enough to use trees, boulders, giants, castles, mountains and/or other pieces of geography as weapons.

[vasharanpaladin]

*Unless playing Exalted I may not build a character strong enough to use trees, boulders, giants, castles, mountains and/or other pieces of geography as weapons.

**Scratch that, can't do it in Exalted anymore either.

[Ksheep]

* I may not use dice rolls to determine how I react to everything
** Nor may I use dice rolls to determine my attitude or personality
*** I may NOT come to the session with a chart made up with 100 different reactions for any eventuality
**** This chart may NOT be derived from this thread

[Forrestfire]

*If two players want to play the same race, and both say that they only want one in the party, I may not suggest that they play a schiztophrenic Orc who decides which actions he does by rolling a die every time they disagree.
**If the they and the DM like this idea, I may not further suggest that they have different mental stats and class levels based on which personality is in control at the time.

[Black Mage]

* I may not use dice rolls to determine how I react to everything
** Nor may I use dice rolls to determine my attitude or personality
*** I may NOT come to the session with a chart made up with 100 different reactions for any eventuality
**** This chart may NOT be derived from this thread

Can I get a copy of that chart?

[Ksheep]

Can I get a copy of that chart?

DM nixed the idea before I made the chart

[Techwarrior]

*Unless playing Exalted I may not build a character strong enough to use trees, boulders, giants, castles, mountains and/or other pieces of geography as weapons.

In a Silver Age Sentinels game...

When the Strength focused bruiser character picks up a small car to use as a weapon, my Telekinetic cannot throw a semitruck telekinetically from across the map to crush the zombies so he can focus on the BBEG. This causes hurt feelings.

Claiming that I did this to support him does not help.

Especially if I could have just used my invisibility to avoid the zombies.

After the bruiser loses the melee with the BBEG, I may not go beat the BBEG for him using a combination of Regeneration, Invisibility, and Telekinesis, and then heal him up afterwards.

The GM realizing I've made the equivalent of a 3.5 Cleric is not acceptable. I'm still not allowed to play Clerics, even in other systems.

[Black Mage]

DM nixed the idea before I made the chart

Make it anyways I'm sure it will be popular. Especially if it's based on this thread.

[Zahhak]

* My characters are no longer allowed to reference Celebrity Jeopardy/SNL.
** Especially to antognize town guards.

* While DMing, characters are no longer allowed to sacrifice skill points for more intelligence.
** When this glass cannon is made, I cannot kill him when I get tired of him nuking my mobs
*** If I ignore those points, I cannot kill him with a minor mob

* 6th level clerics kill 2nd level fighters. Remember this.
** Even if I first say "He will kill you"

* I am no longer allowed to play violently misanthropic characters.
** I am not allowed to stare down a PC while singing "I cann't decide" because I hate their character
*** Especially if I do end up killing their PC
**** I am not allowed to betray the party by killing two members.
***** If I do, I am not allowed to follow this up by crashing the moon into the Earth.
****** Warning the group beforehand OOC by saying "I'm going to betray the party" leads to bad things.
******* Especially if you include which members of the party you're planning on killing.

* I am not allowed to "accidentally" kill other PCs either, just because I want their gear
** Also, I am not allowed to attempt to seduce other PCs because I find it funny

* Lawful Good characters do not torture people.

* Knowledge (Math) does not grant me the ability to predict the future.
* Nor does Knowledge (Statistics) or Knowledge (Probability)
** Even if done Differential Equations

* When a player is irritating me, I am not allowed to say "Your character is struct by ball lightning. He is dead. Reroll"

* Under no circumstances may a short sword wielded by a 2nd level character do 40 points of damage.

* If a character is given the chance to do 40,000 damage at one time, they will take it.
**Even if the PCs will be taking most of the damage.
*** Especially if the PCs will be taking most of the damage

* I am not allowed to say "My character jumped from the ceiling, this generated momentum, so I do more damage"

* If a character sacrifices themselves by shoving the BBEG through a portal to hell, "There goes all the loot" is not an acceptable response

* Calling a half-dragon a "flying rat" is going to end in bad things happening to my mobs

* Telling the players "My goal is to kill all of you in the first session" does not make it OK.

* BBEGs are no longer allowed to sing.
**Especially anything by Voltaire
*** Especially "Because I'm evil"

* I am not riding a black unicorn
- Voltaire reference. Good song. Look it up -

* I am no longer allowed to talk about any work of fiction I am writing

* Purple Peppers of Death are not an alchemical item.

* I am not allowed to reference British Surrealist Comedy at any point, under any circumstance, for any reason.

* There is no such thing as "Potion of Fireball"
** I am not allowed to treat it as a hand grenade
*** Or to get the BBEG to drink it, by claiming it's a healing potion

* Doctor Who is not a good character concept
** Neither is Barney Stinson

* Peeing in beer barrels is a terrible waste of possibly good beer.
** Peeing in beer barrels is a terrible thing to do, even if it is bad beer

I know I have more too.

[Black Mage]

* BBEGs are no longer allowed to sing.
**Especially anything by Voltaire
*** Especially "Because I'm evil"

* I am not riding a black unicorn
- Voltaire reference. Good song. Look it up

Loved the Voltaire references.... I think I need to make a bard in the near future.

* I am not allowed to break the point cap on skills.
** Especially if all my skill points are going to Knowledge (religion)
*** Especially if I'm using the sacrificing rules from BoVD
**** I am not allowed to lead the party on adventures.
***** Especially if it's about "a place I read about in my books. It's a sunken city in the ocean called R'lyeh. Full of treasure."
****** I am not allowed to summon Cthulhu and betray the party and the rest of the material plane.
******* Even if the DM allowed it, the rest of my group has said never again.

[Zahhak]

Loved the Voltaire references.... I think I need to make a bard in the near future.

* DMs are no longer allowed to give me a "Ring of Instant Music" that allows me to snap my fingers and play music. I will abuse it by constantly playing Voltaire

True story. Really happened.

[Doxkid]

*"Everything burns" is a form of divine punishment, not a character concept.
**It definitely isn't a backstory

[Black Mage]

* I am not allowed to play characters that are over 9,000 years old.
** I did not invent Magic Missile
*** Especially since I'm a Psion
**** We did have dragons back in my day. They were not just little lizards
***** I am not to call the Great Wyrm Black a "Young whippersnapper" And then proceed to beat him like a red-headed stepchild.
****** I did not have to walk uphill both ways in the snow while barefoot in order to get to dungeons.

[toapat]

****** I did not have to forced march uphill 100 miles both ways in the snow while barefoot in order to get to dungeons.

fixed that for you

[Doorhandle]

* I am not allowed to play characters that are over 9,000 years old.
** I did not invent Magic Missile
*** Especially since I'm a Psion
**** We did have dragons back in my day. They were not just little lizards
***** I am not to call the Great Wyrm Black a "Young whippersnapper" And then proceed to beat him like a red-headed stepchild.
****** I did not have to walk uphill both ways in the snow while barefoot in order to get to dungeons.

*My character cannot be old enough to remember THAC0. Reality doesn't work that way!

Spoiler

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*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not contradict myself.
*I must contradict myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not contradict myself.
*I must contradict myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not contradict myself.
*I must contradict myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not send secret messages.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not contradict myself.
*I must contradict myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not repeat myself.
*I may not contradict myself.
*I must contradict myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.
*I must repeat myself.

*You may not contradict yourself repeatedly
*Or repeat yourself contradictorily.

*Not to have a quest where a goblin demands to be smote in the face.
*shooting wolves in the mouth will not grant an instant critical.
*likewise with humanoids and head-shots
* players are not allowed to ask how the BBEG shrugged off a rocket to the face.
* Cannot fill a treasure vault with "tentacles and disappointment."
*Cannot have a pony made out of diamonds.
* the polite term is "halfing", not "midget bandit raiders."
* Cannot have a N.P.C that is the "slab king" and he will not demand that the P.C be extremely awesome.
** INCLUDING not looking at explosions.
* Even if they are truly appalling in quality, their is no brand of wands that detonates themselves once thrown.
* the BBEG is not the hero, and the players are not just godamn bandits, even if looting and killing is all that they do.
*Cannot offer a sword that does incredible damage but screams in an annoying voice whenever it's used.
*No more borderlands. 1 OR two.

[toapat]

*Not to have a quest where a goblin demands to be smote in the face.

**not to found a cult with said goblin in which commoners ritually beat eachother into submission while wearing only pants*
***Not to make soap using humanoid fat obtained through the custom researched spell "Extract extra bodyfat"
****not to then have these cult members pick a fight with, and then loose to, other commoners
*****Not to then have the commoners use alchemist fire on the general goods stores
******Not to then have the commoners move into my condemned mansion after a week long innitation where i yell in their faces
*******not to realize that i am the goblin, and i am holding the hand crossbow
********Not to then invent Nitroglycerine and blow up the kingdom's treasury and market district using the cult

*Pants are not to be pointed out as non existant, they are a magic item slot interchangable with the belt slot.

[Ksheep]

* I may not hire a bunch of commoners to worship and revere a +1 light mace
** I may not be surprised when said +1 light mace becomes a demigod

* I may not believe that doors are evil
** My purpose in life is not to kick down every door in existence
*** I should not be surprised when I get killed rather violently when visiting the Sigil

[Zahhak]

* I am not allowed to play a wereoctopus
** We do not launch people out of the catapult
*** Ever
**** I don't care that you can probably take the falling damage

* I will mow the lawn more often to prevent grenade-throwing zombie infestation

* I will never use the phrase "Necros gone. Wild" while dealing with zombies
** Or ever again

* The phrase "Don't worry about the size of the ship, it'll change" does not inspire confidence

* No part of the following conversation is ever allowed to happen again:
-When faced with identical beings each one claiming the other is a pirate-
"See, it's not an illusion, it's actually transmutation. Because, actually, they're sheep who have been transmuted into humans to satisfy some deranged wizard's fantasy of watching sheep engage in a naval battle" - X
"I think we should take them into separate rooms and interrogate the crap out of them. And by 'interrogate the crap out of them' I mean 'torture them'" - Zahhak
"And by 'torture them' I mean 'make them have sex with sheep'" - X
"Because the one who enjoys it, is clearly a sheep" - Zahhak

* If a PC attempts suicide, it's the DMs fault

* I don't care if you have the needed spells, we are not going to play Portal in Pathfinder.
** Or use those spells to rip out chunks of the enemy ship
*** And we will especially not make those chunks rain down on the enemy ship
**** Or launch the enemy ship back at itself

* I don't care how many years OOC and how many characters had to die researching it, you are not allowed to make a nuclear warhead
- Not my group, but someone in a different group that one of our party played with literally spent 3 years researching DnD spells and how nuclear warheads worked to make as close of an approximation to a nuclear warhead as possible.

* I am not allowed to make modern weapons with Wizard spells.
** No, a rod of magic missile is not a rifle waiting to happen
*** Or a sub-machine gun
**** And taping multiple together does not make a gatling gun
***** And under no circumstances am I allowed to attempt to make a flamethrower

* Low level PCs do not fight the Weeping Angels
** Or anything else from Doctor Who
*** And I am not allowed to design mazes after episodes of Doctor Who
**** Especially: Silence in the Library, Flesh and Stone, or the God Complex
***** I don't care how awesome it is
****** You know what, no Doctor Who the week before doing anything DnD related.

* I am not allowed to crucify mice.

* It doesn't matter that Geography in the real world includes knowledge of culture, history, and animals, Knowledge (Geography) does not grant me automatic ranks in Knowledge (Nobility and Royalty), Knowledge (History), and Knowledge (Nature)

* I am not allowed to have a cat launcher
** If I ask again, my character will be struck with ball lightning.
*** As DM, I am not allowed to give my PCs or NPCs cat launchers
**** This will result in the Dungeon King setting me on fire

* My penis is not a weapon
** It does not grant me bonuses to intimidate
*** Even if it's shaped like a Q
**** Especially if it's shaped like a Q

* I am not allowed to pester the DM endlessly about questions about his worlds geography
** I am not allowed to then send him a 5 page essay detailing why his worlds geography makes no sense

* There is a non-cannon DnD book, whose name I dare not speak, and which I am not allowed to reference in even the most oblique way.

[Doorhandle]

- Not my group, but someone in a different group that one of our party played with literally spent 3 years researching DnD spells and how nuclear warheads worked to make as close of an approximation to a nuclear warhead as possible.

If you sent that challenge to this fourm they would have one up within 3 days.

[toapat]

If you sent that challenge to this fourm they would have one up within 3 days.

agreed, and that isnt even counting the fact that the Immortals handbook has a pair Nuclear Detonation spells

[Black Mage]

* My alchemist is not allowed to have a bomb thrower and refer to it as his "N00b tube"
** It does not make a *thunk* sound every time it fires.
*** My bombs do not auto-crit if I shove them into the enemies mouth.
**** I may not take Craft (Science)
***** I may not take Craft (Paradox)
****** I do not "Know all and see all"
******* Especially if I'm playing a blind oracle.
******** For that matter, I am not allowed to play blind oracles and carry a shotgun.
********* I may not refer to my guns as "My boom-stick"
********** I also may not refer to my guns as "My p***s" so that I may shoot enemies in the face with them and call it "The money shot"

[Shpadoinkle]

*My bard cannot have ranks in Perform: Sex.
** My bard may no longer "roll to seduce" every monster we encounter. It doesn't matter what his Charisma, Bluff, or Diplomacy scores are.
*** No, the fact that he is a pansexual xenophile nymphomaniac does NOT make it good roleplaying.
**** I cannot use a recounting of such encounters as my "bardic performance." Attempting to do so will grant penalties to my allies, instead, unless they're trying to harm me in which case they revert to being bonuses and are doubled.
***** Any effort to detail such encounters will result in me taking a handful of d4's of damage. Not my character, me.

[Techwarrior]

As DM, I may not bring my personally modified d4 airsoft gun to sessions.

I may also not do this as a player.

[Squirrel_Dude]

* The halfling is no longer allowed to cast sleep spells on itself.
** The party is no longer allowed to put a sleeping halfling sorcerer into a children's daycare.
*** The party will no longer try and steal children from said daycare instead of picking up the sorcerer.

[Sith_Happens]

* My modern setting character may not have any sort of mental disorder causing him to think he's a character in an RPG.
** Especially not if the game/system he thinks he's in is different from the one he's actually in.

[Balmas]

*If two players want to play the same race, and both say that they only want one in the party, I may not suggest that they play a schiztophrenic Orc who decides which actions he does by rolling a die every time they disagree.
**If the they and the DM like this idea, I may not further suggest that they have different mental stats and class levels based on which personality is in control at the time.

Actually, this sounds like an awesome character to play. Now, if only I can get someone else to agree, we're set.

As DM, I may not bring my personally modified d4 airsoft gun to sessions.

I may also not do this as a player.

**Slingshots are also disallowed.

[TuggyNE]

******* Especially if I'm playing a blind oracle.

* If I am playing an oracle or seer, I may not yell "SEE THE TRUTH" when he uses his most powerful ability.
** Nor may I play an oracle hunter.