Things I May No Longer Do While Playing IV: The Decanter of Endless Bad Ideas

[Kadzar]

*Dwarves do not have a radical proficiency for dwarven lava cannons, orbital or not.
* Dwarves have neither immunity or obliviousness to fire.
* Sponges are not known for their nigh-indestructibility.
* Defensive training works against giants, not elephants.
** No, that does not include giant elephants.
* NO ZOMBIE WHALES.
* A single untoward comment by a P.C is not enough to cause the city to enter a death-spiral of tantrums.

*I may not refer to elves as "immortal ritualistically cannibalistic hippies".
*Not allowed to create a facility that traps mermaids so that I can air-drown their young and sell their bones for profit.
*Not allowed to one-shot a bronze colossus by throwing a bunny and making a called-shot to its forehead.
*Even if it is faithful to the source material, for sanity's sake, my kobold needs to take another language besides "[UTTERANCES]".
*If my kobold thief sneaks into a fortress and just steals a pair of underpants, the other players WILL throw books at me.
*As a DM, I cannot give out socks as treasure.
**No, they do not count as "art objects", even if they are encrusted with jewels and hanging rings of marble.

((Now I kind of do want to actually play in a game set in the world of DF))

[Kelb_Panthera]

*If given the choice of giving sensitive information to either of two conflicting factions, I cannot choose "Option 3, Both"
**Not even if I could get a reward from both
***Especially not Simultaneously
****Especially not if I plan on using the ensuing conflict for more profit

See now, that sort of thing is not only allowed but encouraged in games I run.

*****Not to complain if I put too many irons in the fire at one time and the whole thing falls apart and comes back to bite me in the ass.

[Kane0]

Yeah, those probably could have used some more context...

Anywho:
*I am no longer allowed to gestalt Warlock and Rogue
**No, not even if using a greatsword with a modified hideous blow.
***Especially if I need to borrow other people's d6s just to make an attack.
****Just... no more warlocks for me

[Doorhandle]

See now, that sort of thing is not only allowed but encouraged in games I run.

*****Not to complain if I put too many irons in the fire at one time and the whole thing falls apart and comes back to bite me in the ass.

*I don't care about your head-canon, Lolth is noit Vriska.

[Arbane]

*I don't care about your head-canon, Lolth is noit Vriska.

LIES! :)

* The GM is no longer allowed to base Drow society on Homestuck's Trolls.
** Basing Drow biology on Trolls is RIGHT OUT.

[Gizladlo]

*No longer can I roll 1d10 to determine my alignment for the day while playing a TN character.
**There is no tenth alignment.
***I am not allowed to make one up.
****There are no such alignments as "Jerk Good" and "Stupid Evil."

[Amidus Drexel]

*No longer can I roll 1d10 to determine my alignment for the day while playing a TN character.
**There is no tenth alignment.
***I am not allowed to make one up.
****There are no such alignments as "Jerk Good" and "Stupid Evil."

*****The alignments explicitly do not include: Lame Good, Neutral Greedy, Crazy Gunslinger, Lawful Nuisance, Chaotic Stupid, or Lazy Evil.
******Players may not substitute a profanity of their choice for one of the words in their alignment description.

[vasharanpaladin]

******Players may not substitute a profanity of their choice for one of the words in their alignment description.

*******They may, however, do so when describing that of the paladin.

[nedz]

Well Lame Good = Paladin and Lawful Nuisance = Monk

[Das Platyvark]

I may not play the Joker again.

[Ksheep]

* My profanity of choice may not be *BUY SOME APPLES*

[vasharanpaladin]

*I may not refer to elves as "immortal ritualistically cannibalistic hippies".
*Not allowed to create a facility that traps mermaids so that I can air-drown their young and sell their bones for profit.
*Not allowed to one-shot a bronze colossus by throwing a bunny and making a called-shot to its forehead.
*Even if it is faithful to the source material, for sanity's sake, my kobold needs to take another language besides "[UTTERANCES]".
*If my kobold thief sneaks into a fortress and just steals a pair of underpants, the other players WILL throw books at me.
*As a DM, I cannot give out socks as treasure.
**No, they do not count as "art objects", even if they are encrusted with jewels and hanging rings of marble.

*Booze does not stave off riots due to lack of food.
*Adamantine comes from space, not "the circus."
**It is most certainly not "cotton candy."
***It's dense enough to provide and ignore damage reduction, how is that "ultra-light"!?

*What the devil is a "plump helmet" and why are there three hundred of them marked in your inventory?

[toapat]

***It's dense enough to provide and ignore damage reduction, how is that "ultra-light"!?

Well, that would be easy to explain: Your Adamantine is from Dorf Fortress, where it has the strength of Nano-Diamond, while having the density and weight of Styrofoam Peanuts

[vasharanpaladin]

Well, that would be easy to explain: Your Adamantine is from Dorf Fortress, where it has the strength of Nano-Diamond, while having the density and weight of Styrofoam Peanuts

To a fellow DF player, yes. Not so to my DM's.

[toapat]

To a fellow DF player, yes. Not so to my DM's.

there are people who dont know that Adamantine from Dorf Fortress is made of the most amazing substance in the universe?

[Zahhak]

There are people who don't know what "Dorf Fortress" is

[Zale]

• I may not harvest a Succubi's organs.
• I may not dress a halfling and green then extort gold from him.
• Falling poo does not deal damage. Please stop doing that.

[DigoDragon]

* My profanity of choice may not be *BUY SOME APPLES*

• Not allowed to use it as a battle cry either.

• I am no longer allowed to invite Knight Errant to my house for tea when I'm a wanted runner.
• That house I invited them to? It's not mine. Stop breaking into people's houses.
• Also, not allowed to break open the gas line in the house and let it fill the kitchen.
• And not allowed to stuff newspapers into the toaster, programming it to start in 8 minutes.
• Look, you are simply banned from watching Jason Bourne movies, okay?

[Geigan]

*I may not use my knowledge of the area's laws to commit insurance fraud using my employer's mansion.
**Even Especially if it involves burning down said mansion and killing all their serving staff.
***Just because someone else ended up doing that anyway doesn't mean you're going to get away with it.
****Manipulating their sense of philanthropy for the purposes of performing experimental surgeries designed to "save the lives of innocents" only works if you're telling the truth.

[vasharanpaladin]

****Manipulating their sense of philanthropy for the purposes of performing experimental surgeries designed to "save the lives of innocents" only works if you're telling the truth.

*If you are telling the truth, you are required to remember that there is such a thing as "quality of life" when planning the operation.

[artofregicide]

*If you are telling the truth, you are required to remember that there is such a thing as "quality of life" when planning the operation.

** Not allowed to start an argument about quality of life vs. intrinsic value of life during the course of a session.
***Not allowed to start said argument regardless
****Exception being in philosophy class. Or the youtube comment section. Then it is pretty much expected.

[Tvtyrant]

** Not allowed to start an argument about quality of life vs. intrinsic value of life during the course of a session.
***Not allowed to start said argument regardless
****Exception being in philosophy class. Or the youtube comment section. Then it is pretty much expected.

*****Not allowed to quote Youtube arguments as doctrinal points during a session.

[artofregicide]

*****Not allowed to quote Youtube arguments as doctrinal points during a session.

****** May not use anything from Sock Puppet Theatre as a basis for any character ideas, setting ideas, or ideas period.
******* I may not wear a sockpuppet.
******** I may not name him Banjo.

[Black Mage]

* If I try to make Old Man Henderson, it's a safe assumption the DM will try to murder me on the spot. (If you haven't before, read that link. The story is glorious.)

[Ksheep]

****** May not use anything from Sock Puppet Theatre as a basis for any character ideas, setting ideas, or ideas period.
******* I may not wear a sockpuppet.
******** I may not name him Banjo.

********* Nor may I name him Wolfie
********** He doesn't appear whenever someone is high
*********** He cannot give advice to the characters
************ This is especially true if a player who's character died is acting all this out in person, and is talking to any players waiting for their turn

[Arbane]

* Your familiar is not a leprechaun.
** He does not tell you to burn things.
*** Even if he does, you don't HAVE to follow his advice.
**** No more fire spells for you.

[Amidus Drexel]

* If I try to make Old Man Henderson, it's a safe assumption the DM will try to murder me on the spot. (If you haven't before, read that link. The story is glorious.)

Words cannot accurately convey how much I laughed at that story...

[Adoendithas]

Words cannot accurately convey how much I laughed at that story...

Same here. Hopefully my players would never do something like that to me.

[Lupos]

Things I am banned from in 99% of the games I play
3.5
*I may not play a Lycanthrope, Natural or otherwise
*I may not play a Ranger, Ever
*I may not play a Druid, Ever
*I may not play a Rogue, Ever
*I may not play a Fighter unless told I may
*I may not play a Bard, Ever
*I may not play a Barbarian, Ever
**I may not use a barbarian who has lost his weapon, provide to pick up a shovel as a improvised weapon, rush the hobgoblin hoard screaming "SPOOOOOOOOOON!" and kill them all in a blood rage while the rest of the party watches on in horror.
*I may not play a Cleric for any reason
*I may not play a Paladin for any reason
**Just because I do something for the greater good and it is infact a Lawful Good act tasked to me by my god, does not mean my **** of a DM who only defines LG as Lawful Stupid can say it is an act of evil and force me to fall.
*I may never play any form of arcane spellcaster, ever, for any reason, on pain of death.
**I may not, in a game involving The Book of Erotic Fantasies, Take the Still Spell, Silent Spell, and Eschew Materials feats as a Sorcerer. I may not then use said feats to force a Succubus to swallow a Delayed Fireball when she has me bound, gagged, and giving me unwanted *cough*.
*i may never, for any reason, play a Psionic class.
*I may not play any PC classes anymore, I am restricted to NPC classes only
**I am banned from all local games.

4e
*I may not play any class not in the base PHB
*I may never use the Werewolf theme
*I may never take a bloodline feat
*i may never take a Dragonmarked feat
*I may never play a hybrid of any kind
*I may not use anything that is outside the PHB1
**I may not make a Shifter/Werewolf/Dhampyr Barbarian who can one turn two ancient red dragons just to piss off the DM who has a personal vendetta against me
***I am banned from all local games

[Geigan]

MOAR Legend
*No you may not charge your party for long distance calls just because they're far away and you're still connected to them via World-mind.
**Ignoring them when they are in trouble if they do not pay the long distance fees is generally frowned upon.

*Insurance fraud via the Medicine skill only works the first time you kill someone and revive them later.
**I may no longer use the Geography skill to learn and abuse local laws to my advantage.

*If I am to take a Dramatic Plunge I must extend the last thing I say before doing so into an echo like SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
**Just because the recurring villain took a Dramatic Plunge does not mean the Players will not follow for the purposes of finishing the job.
***I am to stop giving my villains Endless Pit to keep trying that escape. The Players are wise to it.

*The enemy's Dread Secret is not that they've really just been a Mook this whole time.

*Just because I took the Ghost Hunter feat does not mean I am allowed to hum the ghostbuster's theme during every encounter. Only when we're fighting actual ghosts.

*I am not allowed to spontaneously develop a Brooklyn accent after taking the Master Scout feat.
**I am not allowed to shout "BOINK" when fighting either.
***I may only perform double jumps if I can make the acrobatics check for it.

*Retcon does not let me replace words in the GM's memory of our conversations.

*Ruinous Charge is a privilege, not a right.

*"The Charleston" is not an appropriate fluff description for Fancy Footwork.