Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

[Morph Bark]

Meh. It's only one week til Xmas but I'm really not feeling it today.

It's my ex's bday today and naturally I'm thinking about her a lot. We haven't spoken for months but part of me wants to send her a text wishing her a happy birthday. I'm just worried that if I do, it might freg up bad feelings and ruin it for her.

Bleh. =[

Has it been less than four months since you broke up? Did you end on a very bad note? Have you had a new beau in that timespan while she has not? Do you plan on referring to your time together in the text instead of just a simple, "Hey [name], wish you a happy birthday!"? Do you still have a lot of feelings for her that might grow regardless of the outcome of sending the text?

If any of the answers to these questions is "yes", then don't. Otherwise, go for it if you want to. Heck, you might even throw in a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, though it might be better to wait for a later text with that, if you even want to do it by then.

[WarKitty]

I totally understand that. I think it's crucially important to have someone there, even just to implicitly say "Yes, I acknowledge your existence, and your impact on my life." Everyone needs human interaction, and it's a shame that people don't act more on that basis, or confuse it with a need for a sexual relationship. And entering a relationship simply for that closeness is really not the best idea. But you already know that, I think.


And that segues nicely with the Troll's experience upthread. Perhaps the girl in question just wanted a bit of closeness, and maybe went at it slightly the wrong way. But I have a friend almost exactly like that. In fact, she said "Nope, no kissing" to me as well, the first time. But we can sit and chat, have a drink and hold each other, simply just to be close to someone. Simply being touched by someone else is important, sometimes.

Yeah that's pretty much it. It doesn't help that I'm one of the people that seems to require physical closeness. That's especially tricky because it's automatically sexual for a lot of people - if you're "just friends" it's supposed to be hands off.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Yeah that's pretty much it. It doesn't help that I'm one of the people that seems to require physical closeness. That's especially tricky because it's automatically sexual for a lot of people - if you're "just friends" it's supposed to be hands off.

This ... I can understand just cuddling and whatnot with a friend, but much beyond that it gets weird. That is my new official position. And I really need to talk to her before this ends up being an event too far set in the past. We hung out today and yesterday studying for exams, and we're going to hang this weekend, but uggh.

[Wyntonian]

I'm very much in the "it doesn't need to be sexual" boat. Something like 85% of my friends are female, and I don't think there's a single one of them I haven't either been a pillow for or vice-versa. There's nothing sexual about it (well, except for that one girl...), we just flop on each other.

[Dvil]

Sorry if this is a bit confusing/rambly.

So lately I've been toying with the idea of making an OKC account. I'm not entirely sure why, or even why not. I dunno, I guess I'm just a bit tired of being alone but then again I'm not sure.

I dunno, I realise this whole post is a bit nonsense. Sorry

[Thajocoth]

Sorry if this is a bit confusing/rambly.

So lately I've been toying with the idea of making an OKC account. I'm not entirely sure why, or even why not. I dunno, I guess I'm just a bit tired of being alone but then again I'm not sure.

I dunno, I realise this whole post is a bit nonsense. Sorry

The way I see it: It doesn't hurt to set it up. I met my first gf when she found my account on an online "dating" site. Worst case scenario: It doesn't help you meet anyone.

[Dvil]

Well, I suppose that makes more sense than I'm making Yeah sure, I'll give it a go. I imagine in the next couple of days this thread will see one of those "what should I improve about my profile" posts, so I aoplogise in advance for that.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Sorry if this is a bit confusing/rambly.

So lately I've been toying with the idea of making an OKC account. I'm not entirely sure why, or even why not. I dunno, I guess I'm just a bit tired of being alone but then again I'm not sure.

I dunno, I realise this whole post is a bit nonsense. Sorry

I did it on my birthday this summer after 2 years of trying the "real way" and not getting anywhere. OkCupid helped me at least practice interacting with women, and it at least gives you an idea of what you're looking for in a person.

[WarKitty]

The way I see it: It doesn't hurt to set it up. I met my first gf when she found my account on an online "dating" site. Worst case scenario: It doesn't help you meet anyone.

Besides, I hear some of the internet axe-murderers are really cute!

[Dvil]

Well, here we are, in theory. Let me know what you think please

[noparlpf]

Besides, I hear some of the internet axe-murderers are really cute!

I happen to find slightly insane and/or violent female characters in fiction adorable.

[The Succubus]

Besides, I hear some of the internet axe-murderers are really cute!

Well, it takes a considerable amount of muscle to repeatedly swing an axe, so you'll know they stay in shape. But then there's always going to be that awkward bit in the relationship when you have to say "it's either me or the axe".

If it helps, I enjoy non-sexy cuddles as much as sexy cuddles. Humans are predominantly social animals and tactile contact is a good way of strengthening group cohesion. ^_^

[Form]

Well, it takes a considerable amount of muscle to repeatedly swing an axe, so you'll know they stay in shape. But then there's always going to be that awkward bit in the relationship when you have to say "it's either me or the axe".

And you just know they'll choose the axe.....

[TheWombatOfDoom]

And you just know they'll choose the axe.....

As in Axe body spray!

[Morph Bark]

Of course they will go for the axe. The axe effect is very powerful. It chops down trees and eats it's lunch and doesn't afraid of anything.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Of course they will go for the axe. The axe effect is very powerful. It chops down trees and eats it's lunch and doesn't afraid of anything.

On wednesdays it goes shopping and has buttered scones for tea!

[Serpentine]

Sorry if this is a bit confusing/rambly.

So lately I've been toying with the idea of making an OKC account. I'm not entirely sure why, or even why not. I dunno, I guess I'm just a bit tired of being alone but then again I'm not sure.

I dunno, I realise this whole post is a bit nonsense. Sorry

Wait, alone? What happened to the lady friend?

Wellp, I'm off to go see how well we match!

[Thajocoth]

Besides, I hear some of the internet axe-murderers are really cute!

To be honest, it's rare for someone to be able to easily kill someone they consider to be a person. There's usually a disconnect from the victim. I remember one killer saying that if he went on one more date with his victim, that he likely would've known her too well to kill her.

Also, no calculating killer is going to hunt from a dating site. Too much data is passed across the servers. Even if the killer is hiding behind multiple proxies, they still need to provide their victim with a meeting location. Even a private chat room bears this risk, but is the least risky method available on the internet.

Also, you should always meet people for the first time in well-lit public places. Granted, this won't tell you if they want to kill you but are hiding it, but many would-be killers don't want to go through that whole song and dance. They want a more instant gratification & will have some trouble hiding their lack of enthusiasm. More importantly, they'd be getting to know you, making you more of a person & less of a potential victim.

The best way to find a victim, even in today's digital age, is still to find people walking home at night, alone, in the dark. (Those who work nights on corners in illegal professions pretty much have to put themselves in this situation, unfortunately.) For a pickier killer, it would be to stalk their prey & learn when they'll be alone, and plan every detail of their capture. Dating sites are not a great tool for this.

It's a good thing I'm not evil.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

To be honest, it's rare for someone to be able to easily kill someone they consider to be a person. There's usually a disconnect from the victim. I remember one killer saying that if he went on one more date with his victim, that he likely would've known her too well to kill her.

Also, no calculating killer is going to hunt from a dating site. Too much data is passed across the servers. Even if the killer is hiding behind multiple proxies, they still need to provide their victim with a meeting location. Even a private chat room bears this risk, but is the least risky method available on the internet.

Also, you should always meet people for the first time in well-lit public places. Granted, this won't tell you if they want to kill you but are hiding it, but many would-be killers don't want to go through that whole song and dance. They want a more instant gratification & will have some trouble hiding their lack of enthusiasm. More importantly, they'd be getting to know you, making you more of a person & less of a potential victim.

The best way to find a victim, even in today's digital age, is still to find people walking home at night, alone, in the dark. (Those who work nights on corners in illegal professions pretty much have to put themselves in this situation, unfortunately.) For a pickier killer, it would be to stalk their prey & learn when they'll be alone, and plan every detail of their capture. Dating sites are not a great tool for this.

It's a good thing I'm not evil.

What a wonderful answer! All very good points. I don't know why this makes me so happy...I'm just pleased to see such an intelligent answer...it reminds me why I love being on this forum. I crave intelligent conversation!

Edit: What about someone who is killing another for retribution? Or a hit man? Or someone who is in the military?

[Morph Bark]

Edit: What about someone who is killing another for retribution? Or a hit man? Or someone who is in the military?

You're asking too many questions, sir. I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the line for a second.

*cli-click*

[The Succubus]

What a wonderful answer! All very good points. I don't know why this makes me so happy...I'm just pleased to see such an intelligent answer...it reminds me why I love being on this forum. I crave intelligent conversation!

Edit: What about someone who is killing another for retribution? Or a hit man? Or someone who is in the military?

I don't date bald guys with barcodes. Matter of principle.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

I've actually never played that series.

[Thajocoth]

What a wonderful answer! All very good points. I don't know why this makes me so happy...I'm just pleased to see such an intelligent answer...it reminds me why I love being on this forum. I crave intelligent conversation!

Edit: What about someone who is killing another for retribution? Or a hit man? Or someone who is in the military?

The first two would need to hunt their prey. Learn their patterns. Figure out how to get them alone. Where I mentioned "pickier killers", these would fall into that category as they have very specific targets. If they do otherwise, they'll get caught. So they won't be hunting on a dating site.

I remember reading about a Canadian hit man who decided to retire & gave the Canadian government info on everyone who'd hired him over the last decade in exchange for not getting in trouble for the murders. Hiring a hit man is, therefore, just as dangerous as trying to get rid of a body by burying it. As many villains have stated, "If you want something done right, you need to do it yourself."

Someone in the military... It's rather interesting that you brought that up. From what I gather, most people don't consider it murder if it's done for war, which is why I left it out. I do consider it to be murder. For this purpose though, it's also irrelevant. A soldier doesn't have to worry about their own government punishing them for doing the exact thing that their government trained them for & told them to do, and they're certainly not going to lure their enemy out using the internet. It's a tactic that just won't work.

[Arutema]

Speaking of luring people out over the internet; A rather disastrous long-distance relationship where I've come to realize she was just using me, followed by a series of false starts has left me associating women with nothing but longing and rejection and being used and pain.

Now here's the hard part: I still want one. Even though I associate women with nothing positive, I still want one.

My inner dialogue has gone past the point of "how do I find someone who's healthy for me?" to "how do I purge myself of these desires?".

Looking at what I've just written I'm pretty certain I need counseling of some kind. Any thoughts as to what kind of counselor would be appropriate?

[Thajocoth]

Speaking of luring people out over the internet; A rather disastrous long-distance relationship where I've come to realize she was just using me, followed by a series of false starts has left me associating women with nothing but longing and rejection and being used and pain.

Now here's the hard part: I still want one. Even though I associate women with nothing positive, I still want one.

My inner dialogue has gone past the point of "how do I find someone who's healthy for me?" to "how do I purge myself of these desires?".

Looking at what I've just written I'm pretty certain I need counseling of some kind. Any thoughts as to what kind of counselor would be appropriate?

I wasn't really aware there were multiple kinds. Specialists, sure, but usually you go to a regular psychologist before seeing a specialist.

That sounds really difficult. I hope you meet someone far better than that.

[Coidzor]

So lately I've been toying with the idea of making an OKC account. I'm not entirely sure why, or even why not. I dunno, I guess I'm just a bit tired of being alone but then again I'm not sure.

I've heard some people have had luck with expanding their circle of acquaintances and contacts in their general geographic region, certainly. To a much greater extent than any but a lothario would get on the sexual-romantic end anyway.

Good luck, though I can't remember any of the pointers beyond the most basic ones google would pop up immediately anyway.

Besides, I hear some of the internet axe-murderers are really cute!

Hey Jane, get me off this crazy thing called love.

This ... I can understand just cuddling and whatnot with a friend, but much beyond that it gets weird. That is my new official position. And I really need to talk to her before this ends up being an event too far set in the past. We hung out today and yesterday studying for exams, and we're going to hang this weekend, but uggh.

I can't imagine what you'd be doing with a friend that wasn't also a lover beyond cuddling anyway. Well, I suppose there's naked parties and skinny dipping but I always figured that was people just attempting to put me on rather than real things that actually happen.

You'd better have talked by now.

Looking at what I've just written I'm pretty certain I need counseling of some kind. Any thoughts as to what kind of counselor would be appropriate?

Beyond see a professional, I don't know how much we can really say on this subject as far as advocating one type over another. Not that I'm really aware of fine types beyond professionally trained and not professionally trained.

[AtlanteanTroll]

You'd better have talked by now.

Mhmm. Still sort of confused, but I think it's mostly worked out now.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

The first two would need to hunt their prey. Learn their patterns. Figure out how to get them alone. Where I mentioned "pickier killers", these would fall into that category as they have very specific targets. If they do otherwise, they'll get caught. So they won't be hunting on a dating site.

I remember reading about a Canadian hit man who decided to retire & gave the Canadian government info on everyone who'd hired him over the last decade in exchange for not getting in trouble for the murders. Hiring a hit man is, therefore, just as dangerous as trying to get rid of a body by burying it. As many villains have stated, "If you want something done right, you need to do it yourself."

Someone in the military... It's rather interesting that you brought that up. From what I gather, most people don't consider it murder if it's done for war, which is why I left it out. I do consider it to be murder. For this purpose though, it's also irrelevant. A soldier doesn't have to worry about their own government punishing them for doing the exact thing that their government trained them for & told them to do, and they're certainly not going to lure their enemy out using the internet. It's a tactic that just won't work.

I wouldn't discount the military using the internet to hunt victims (a dating site I'd say might hold some useful information about a horny terrorist). While I'm not saying whether or not I believe the military is attributable to murder, I will say that they are attributed with killing, and they hunt their prey just like other predators. Either way, I think we're unfortunately getting into a risky topic there, as well as off topic...sigh.

This is the first Christmas in a long time I actually have a girlfriend, and we've been dating since the beginning of the Fall. She makes more than I do financially, and has bought me a crap ton of stuff. I don't make as much and feel guilty that I can't get her as much. How do I talk to her about this without sounding ungrateful for the gifts?

[Rawhide]

This is the first Christmas in a long time I actually have a girlfriend, and we've been dating since the beginning of the Fall. She makes more than I do financially, and has bought me a crap ton of stuff. I don't make as much and feel guilty that I can't get her as much. How do I talk to her about this without sounding ungrateful for the gifts?

I wouldn't worry about it. Instead, get her a metric crap ton of gifts in return. Gifts which are highly thoughtful but don't cost much or anything at all.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

I wouldn't worry about it. Instead, get her a metric crap ton of gifts in return. Gifts which are highly thoughtful but don't cost much or anything at all.

I've gotten her a few things and she loved what I got, so that's all good. I'm just uncomfortable with the amount she spent in general...we could have saved some of that for things to do later. I'm very careful with money because I've been crapped on by the world more times than I can count.

EDIT: Maybe I'm just not used to getting stuff...I'm usually the generous one...